


MIRROR

by Hichanchen, SMUTSIS_maria



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Are you a shrimp or a fish?, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, Can you allow yourself to be happy?, Complete, Enemies to Lovers, Fighting responsibilities, Find someone who will see something others can't, Fluff, Hoseok has a fucked up life, HyungWonho - Freeform, Hyungwon is rich and beautiful, M/M, Muse and Photographer, Original Female character that you will love, Photographer Lee Hoseok, Photographer and Model, Sassy Hyungwon, Seeing the core of a person, Smut, This story is about guilt, Top Shin Hoseok | Wonho, arrogant hoseok, coming so close that it hurts, photographer hoseok, plottwist, single dad hoseok, slowburn, you should
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-06-26 08:12:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 220,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19764127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SMUTSIS_maria/pseuds/SMUTSIS_maria
Summary: In the world full of superficial values, struggling to keep the facade pretty, a model meets a photographer who is able to remove the pretense with his intense scrutiny, his unconditional interest and the intimacy he is able to create between them. Meeting his gaze, the model comes to understand that vulnerability is something that they share.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
> We are back with our newest story: MIRROR. It is again a story that doesn't compare to the others and we really enjoyed writing it and hope that you will enjoy reading it and get a glimpse of the thoughts we had while creating it. It deals a lot with guilt and self-worth.  
>   
> The story is already written and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
> (Please write one of us on here if you want to follow, it is a private account to protect our readers =)  
> And our Instragram: [SMUTSIS Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/smut_sis/)  
>   
>   
> Thank you so much for reading us. We love you  
>   
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to learn something from it.  
>   
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> Hichanchen writes Hyungwon and his sister  
> Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok, Kihyun, Choux  
> A special Thank You to our beta-readers Molly and Natalie.  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)  
> (We also have another story prepared after this one, so stay tuned.)

He packed his bags in silence. Expensive camera and related equipment disappeared in his protective bags. Additional equipment was safely stowed in his suitcase, leaving a few free spots to stuff his clothes in between. It was okay, it was something that he was very much used to, not special in any way.

He pressed the button on his espresso machine, but the screeching noise caught his attention, indicating that there were no beans in the grinder. Fuck.

“Fuck,” he said, to verbalizes his frustration and groaned loudly. There weren't many things that threw him out of his comfort zone, but the absence of coffee was definitely high up on the list. No coffee meant that he had to drink the disgusting Starbucks soup while a dude named Marcel would address him informally and ask for his name. As usual, he would say his name and the dude would write one of the common variations, Oseok, Osak or Otheo. What would it be this time? Hoseok loved French and looked forward to being surprised.

His cab arrived on time and he threw his black leather jacket on top of the red t-shirt he was wearing. It was still cold in Paris in April, but it wasn't in Lisbon and it wasn't in Madrid, where he had to catch his connecting flight. He asked himself who scheduled a flight to Lisbon via Madrid. Moreover, why?

Thankfully, Hoseok didn't forget the most important tool, namely his old analog camera that he threw into his bag. He then placed the thick belt over his upper body and walked out the door. Running down the stairs with the heavy suitcase and extra bag, because the elevator still didn't work, he placed the valuable piece of luggage into the trunk and sat back in the Renault or whatever the car was. He only hoped that the driver wouldn't talk. He didn't feel like talking.

“So, are you going on holiday, monsieur?” the high-pitched voice asked after approximately three seconds of blissful silence. Hoseok opened one eye and glared before giving up because the guy obviously didn't care whether he wanted to talk or not.

“No. For work.” He instantly hoped that the short answer would give the driver the hint that he didn't want to communicate with him. He was wrong.

“Ah, you look so tired, you shouldn't work too much, and your Madame probably doesn't like it. My wife also tells me to work less, I think it's because she thinks that I'll spend more time with her, but it's nice, you know, they only want our time, so we should be nice and sacrifice it. Work is not everything.”

_Bullshit._

“I don't have a Madame and nobody tells me to work less either.”

_That's a lie._

“I'm going to Lisbon for three days for work and then I'm coming back. I'm not sad, I'm not tired, I'm fine, monsieur. Please don't let yourself be bothered by me; I'd like to think for a bit if it's okay with you.” Nodding with a friendly smile that he didn't mean, Hoseok leaned back into the seat and closed his eyes, feeling himself be jostled around due to the driver’s attempts to not hit any pedestrians who randomly ran across the street.

Thankfully, there was no talking anymore, only bad music, but he could deal with that. Looking out of the window, he played with the skin of his hands, pulling on it and thinking about when he could go on a trip next time, but his schedule was so full that he gave up.

_Just hope that the models are easygoing._

Smirking to himself, he focused back on the road and recognized the ramp that led to the terminal. They were here.

_Now you only have to get rid of the heavy stuff._

He paid with his smartphone and walked into the airport terminal, ignoring the driver’s attempt to wish him well by yelling that he should work less. God.

Thankfully, the security procedures and the check in went smoothly. He waved at his suitcase as it rolled away on the conveyor belt and lifted his arms in the air, stretching and trying to understand what he needed to maximize happiness.

_Coffee, Hoseok. Coffee._

The Starbucks looked like any other Starbucks on the planet and he got his huge iced Americano, being surprised by a new variation of his name, namely Oscar. Well then. Oscar wasn't sure whether it was racism or simple lack of understanding, but it also didn't matter, not that he had to deal with it often enough to care.

He immediately occupied the spot in the farthest corner, sure, nobody took away the empty cups from the table, but he didn't pay much attention to that either. Instead, he observed his surroundings while sipping on the bitter water. He could've scrolled through his timeline or liked a few Instagram posts with nicely designed clothes, but instead he decided to watch.

_It's like meditating._

There was a couple that was trying to share a carrot cake, both too shy to take the last piece. Hoseok would've stuffed it into his mouth without any second thought, he even contemplated going over there and eating the rest, but the idea of ingesting foreign bodily fluids disgusted him and he looked to the right. There was a woman, she looked around forty. She looked interesting and had a deep expression on her face. Hoseok liked it, so he took out the old camera, focusing on the woman's face. Suddenly, when he was about to press the shutter release, her expression turned shallow. Zooming out, he realized that she was staring at her phone with a smile. It was a usual smile, nothing special, nothing deep, just stupid, every day joy.

_Why are you never lucky lately? Is really everything about work?_

He swung the cam to the side in the process of giving up on taking a good picture and stopped, staring through the viewfinder. It was intuitive; he must've seen something that caught his attention, something so intense that it was sufficient to process it quick enough to stop in the middle of a movement. Hoseok focused on what he could see through the camera lens.

_Wow. You're a genius._

There was a person, a young man, black hair, small head, big eyes, round profile flowing in a curved line over his smooth nose and prominent lips. A very soft jaw and an elegant neck complimented the visual. He was very beautiful, but that wasn't what had caught Hoseok's attention. His eyes did. The big brown orbs that gazed into his cup of coffee as if it was a void, unfocused but so deep. Unwilling to wait, he pressed the shutter release one, two times, until he thought that he got what he wanted and put the camera down.

Sipping his iced Americano, Hoseok glanced over to the man with the coffee eyes, but it was gone. The expression was gone. The guy looked focused, smirk in place and talking on the phone. Meh.

 _The good things never last,_ he thought and got up taking his coffee along. There was nothing of interest for him anymore.

_

“Do you have special needs, sir?” the friendly man asked while checking him into the five star hotel at the Madrid Airport.

Yes, he indeed had a special need. A special fucking need to be in Lisbon tomorrow at ten, perfectly rested and not having a cancelled connecting flight and completely overbooked alternatives. Fuck. Hoseok hated the fact that he was helpless, unable to do anything and money couldn't solve that problem either. Damn it.

_You have to call mom too, don't forget._

Later. First, he wanted to make sure that his adrenaline spike didn't ruin his evening.

“Yes, please. I'd like a very quiet room on the upper floor, a bathrobe and a bottle of wine,” he replied, playing with the provided pen. From the corner of his eye, he could see the man with the coffee eyes that he had taken a picture of at Starbucks in Paris. It wasn't the second time he saw him, actually the tall guy must've had the same destination, because he sat three rows behind him on the plane to Madrid and also checked into the hotel with the other passengers from the cancelled flight.

Glancing to the side while the hotel employee looked for a room, he saw the slim guy leaning over the counter and staring at the poor woman that furiously tried to type something. He must have been pissed. Relatable, but the hotel people had nothing to do with the flight, so bitching at them wasn't the nicest thing to do.

_Not your business._

“I'll give you the suite, sir, it's located on the 14th floor and one of our employees will bring you the wine and bathrobe in a few minutes. Have a pleasant stay.” The older man smiled and distracted him from the coffee guy, who wasn't interesting or anything, only familiar because Hoseok took a picture once and simply recognized him.

_A suite, too bad you don't have company._

Not that he was in the mood after a cancelled flight, but the prospect might have changed that. Meh.

After going up, taking a shower and lying on the bed for twenty minutes while scrolling through Instagram and getting pointlessly angry at ugly photoshoots, Hoseok jumped up and got dressed in the black jeans and red shirt that he wore before. Thankfully, it didn't smell bad or anything, only like him and perfume. It was okay.

_There is still no wine in the room, but you can get alcohol at the bar. It's better and called Spanish pink strawberry gin._

_Fuck yes._

He felt a familiar tingling because he rarely drank when he was at home, so being on a work trip combined several good things that Hoseok usually couldn't enjoy, namely drinking alcohol and having sex.

Stuffing his card into one of the pockets of his jeans, Hoseok left the room and went two floors higher, to the rooftop bar. Damn, even the elevator was fancy.

Arriving at the spacious bar, he had to admit that the view was impressive. The airport was outside of the city, but one could see the skyline and beautiful lights around the building, connecting into tiny galaxies. Stunning was an understatement.

After looking around for a bit, he picked a spot on a couch that was actually a mini lounge created for around six people, but there was no-one, so it was his, as easy as that. The couch was located right in front of the windows, so that he could look outside while drinking his pink gin that the bartender placed on the small black table beside him.

_That's kind of nice._

As soon as his back touched the comfortable cushions and the alcohol induced warmth spread in his body, he relaxed, his sore muscles loosened and he let out a breath he wasn't aware of holding.

_Just like this._

Time passed in blissful quiet with the exception of subtle jazz music in the background. The compositions were an enjoyable mixture of smooth and sensual pieces. When he was about to take his second sip of gin, a lone figure entered his mini lounge, remarkably tall with long legs and holding his back perfectly straight. The man looked around briefly before choosing the second best spot, right next to the big window and across from him. A beautifully decorated Mojito, topped mint leaves sprinkled with lime peel, joined his gin on the small table in the middle.

_Why, Jesus? It could've been so nice._

Hoseok was too lazy to stare and to make out a face, especially when the tall man glanced to the side and towards the view, showing his side profile instead. That on the other hand was familiar and Hoseok didn't require a second glance to recognize the young man again. They must have not only shared similar destinations, but also similar ideas of a well-spent evening.

_Apart from the fact that you wanted the lounge for yourself and didn't want people around, it's annoying._

The black-haired man didn't speak and observed the illuminated skyline, occupied with his own thoughts and his drink. One single index finger was slowly stroking along the edge of the glass.

It looked as if his unwanted guest would remain quiet, so he stopped paying attention and spread his legs, taking a long sip of his gin and twirling the ice in the glass while watching the few fresh raspberries swirl along.

Suddenly the black-haired man turned towards him, quick enough for his fringe to move, but it didn't. The black strands were perfectly styled up to reveal his forehead. His gaze focused on his and a long index finger brushed over the other man's thick lips, accompanied by a smile and a soft ‘shush’. He wanted him to be quiet.

_What the fuck?_

Hoseok was too shocked by the gesture to do anything for a few seconds, before he lifted his index finger and pointed to the exit of the lounge, supporting his gesture with a movement of his head, indicating the guy should fuck off if he didn't like him swishing the ice in his glass.

The newcomer lifted his eyebrow in question and chuckled briefly, a low sound that hinted at him having a deep voice, deeper than his looks suggested. Lifting his own cocktail glass, the tall man crossed his legs and turned back towards the window, taking a careful sip.

_He thinks it's funny? If he's flirting then he fucking sucks at it._

Hoseok was a simple person, if someone wanted to be intimate, they should show it, say it, or sit on his lap. He understood those, not the primary school style flirting with hair pulling and throwing fits. Ridiculous.

_He's probably just rude, that's why._

An annoyed exhale escaped his lips and he swung his glass once again, lifting the drink towards his nose to suck in the nice mixture of gin and berries. Everything was perfect, besides the figure across from him. Hoseok would have preferred to keep the picture and never see him again.

“You must hate Jazz music, that was my favorite solo,” a low voice remarked, even lower than he had expected and the black-haired man turned towards him again, licking over his plump lips as he placed his glass on the table.

_You like Jazz._

“You're mistaken, I do like Jazz, but I'm not here to listen to the music,” he commented, voice low but not as deep as the guy's. A few long seconds passed as he observed the stranger's small face, following the middle line of his nose, sweeping over the lips and turning into a round chin. After he was done, Hoseok returned his attention to his glass.

_Handsome._

“It supports the ambience, I doubt that the impression is complete without the music,” was the reply as the other man chuckled again, index finger following the outline of his glass for a few rounds before the big hand returned to his thigh.

_He must like the glass._

Hoseok chuckled because the comment seemed ridiculous. As if sitting in a five star lounge has to be accompanied by jazz. It was like those art directors who thought sniffling their Merlot would make them appear like experts. God.

Smiling at his thoughts, Hoseok ignored the reply, spreading his legs wider and letting the back of his head touch the incredibly soft leather cushion. It was so relaxing, especially with the warmth that travelled through his body after the few sips of gin. His fingers travelled over the wet surface of his glass, cool to the touch and just as enjoyable as his comfortable position.

Instead of relaxing and sinking into the couch, his company remained sitting straight and used his index and middle finger to draw small circles around his knee, eyes remaining fixed on the view. A few breaths were deep enough to be audible. Usually, Hoseok was skilled in ignoring unwanted company, but it seemed harder with the black-haired guest. Maybe the reason was the lack of relaxation in the other man's posture, it kept him alert.

“Why didn't you take a different spot?” he asked straight out, but still preferred to look out of the window.

_Maybe he'll feel uncomfortable and leave?_

“Because, as you have successfully figured out, this is the best one,” the other man replied and finally leaned back, legs remaining crossed. Glancing over his shoulder, the handsome man smiled at him and gestured towards the big windows and the skyline. “Madrid has more surprises to offer than expected.”

_Maybe, but not at the airport._

“You're right, but I would've preferred to be in Lisbon by now,” he sighed and took a long sip of his drink. He didn't want to start a conversation, but it was less strange than sitting and staring out of the window while the guy sat across from him and judged him for making noises and assumed his lack of taste in music. “You're going there too, aren't you?”

“I'm pretty sure that I'd already be at my destination if my goal hadn't been Lisbon.” Again he was gifted a smile before his companion took a sip of his Mojito, adding the taste of a mint leaf by carefully placing it between his big lips and sucking on it. “At least the drinks are decent.”

“Mhm,” he hummed and downed the rest of the gin, searching for the small button under the table to call the bartender. “Did you get what you wanted from the woman at the reception? She looked intimidated when you almost climbed over the counter,” Hoseok commented and grinned brightly, observing the handsome stranger from under his bangs. As expected, the alcohol started to overtake his lack of motivation to communicate.

_But you can still drink one more._

“Trust me, climbing over the counter looks different,” was the reply, followed by a handsome looking grin and another tentative sip through his bright green straw. “I wanted a suite, but they gave it to somebody else a second before. Usually I get what I want, but unfortunately going back in time and teleportation aren't part of my repertoire yet.”

_Is he trying to be funny?_

“They gave it to me,” he said, brushing back his bangs and returning the moisture to his lips. “But you can come over to look at it.”

“I doubt that it's worth it.” Lifting one corner of his mouth, the black-haired man brushed through his hair and turned to the side. His profile looked aesthetic, especially with the Madrid skyline in the background.

“That’s what you think, it’s amazing. The view is even better because it’s on the other side of the building, but sure, like this you can be less bitter about it.” He finished in time to accept the mojito he had ordered before. Taking a careful sip, he chewed on the brown sugar and leaned forward, placing the drink in front of him.

“I'm not particularly bitter about it, a suite suits you and after all you have just invited me to see it. Anything else that's worth noting apart from the view? I'm considering.” The other man's body language changed, transitioning smoothly into a mirror of his own, legs still crossed but body leaning forward, towards him. This time his companion played with the straw, moving it around the glass while a gorgeous smile spread his lips.

_Now we are talking._

Hoseok let his gaze travel from the man’s long legs, to his slim waist that was emphasized by the silk shirt he was wearing and up to his delicate neck. It looked nice to bite.

_Maybe he’ll let you bite it?_

“Depends on your taste,” he whispered lowly and spread his legs, leaning in and catching the straw with his lips, eyes focused on the handsome face in front of him. “But you can enjoy the view here, it’s also nice,” he added, after changing his mind.

_Screw it. It's not worth it._

Winking playfully for effect, he left half of his drink and got up, exiting the lounge with slow steps that echoed off the wooden floor. Company was nice, but he wanted to be relaxed the next day, so he preferred to get some sleep instead of tasting some stranger’s neck and having him sleep in his room or worry about throwing him out. In addition, the man with the coffee eyes seemed like he needed more time to be convinced than Hoseok was willing to invest. The handsome person didn’t sit on his lap and Hoseok didn't have the energy to put in more effort.

_Not like he's special in any way._

***

“There's something special about you.”

The woman across from him was smiling playfully, black pencil skirt riding up along her well-formed thighs and lips a pretty bordeaux. Had it been any lighter, Hyungwon might have considered her makeup overdone, cheap even, but with the barely lit mini lounge area it worked, fulfilled its purpose of attracting his attention and keeping it for a few seconds longer. Her handbag had the same color as her lips and was decorated with a particularly thin chain. Hyungwon liked it and examined it for a little longer than the woman attached to it.

“I hear that a lot, but thank you,” he replied, too tired and at the same time frustrated to be particularly thankful. There was no depth to the compliment and the woman hadn't specified what exactly she considered special either. It could have meant anything. That she was caught off guard by his facial features and couldn't pinpoint why, that she considered him attractive and that she simply wanted to say something to keep his attention. Hyungwon had no interest in either of those reasons.

_Because there is absolutely nothing that she could give you._

His eyes finally left the pretty bag and landed on the full glass in front of him, a decent Mojito with extra mint. It was his second and Hyungwon made sure to have more of the best part, mint with lime peel sprinkled on top. It was delicious and distracted him from the second Mojito across from his, half-empty.

_He fucked off right when you showed interest._

Thinking about the way the broad man in a decent shirt and particularly nice leather shoes had left the mini lounge, cancelling his plans for the evening, conjured a frown on his face. His jaw tightened and his eyebrows pulled together, ruining his mood even more because he knew that he looked super bitchy when he did that.

“You must hear compliments a lot then, I'll try to be more creative next time,” his current mini lounge company remarked with a chuckle and switched the leg she crossed over the other, leaning closer towards him. Hyungwon didn't return the gesture and reached for his glass, emptying most of it in a few gulps. He was frustrated and there was nothing that he wanted from the woman.

_Your chance to have the suite just walked right through that door._

Chewing on his bottom lip even though he told himself not to, Hyungwon forced a smile on his lips, beautiful enough to make the woman mirror it and excused himself for the night. At least he had enough decency to do that, unlike assholes that snatched the last hotel suite and ditched gorgeous company even though they were interested.

_He definitely was, his body language and his face said it all. He checked you out, bottom to top._

The question was at which point it had gone wrong. The beginning had been a little rough because of Hyungwon's indecisiveness whether a suite was really worth the effort, but in the end, he should have been successful. The question was why exactly the Strawberry-gin-guy decided to ditch him last minute.

_You can't even remember the last time that happened._

He had heard the man got the last suite, but there was no real reason to act on it apart from his immediate frustration with the hotel personnel for not having another. It was huge and at the airport, who bothered to take a suite unless it was a businessperson with a delayed flight.

_Like Mr. Strawberry and you._

Only when he entered the bar to relax a little and work against his habit of drinking alone, he had considered joining the black-haired man in his suite. It would not have been difficult, Hyungwon had felt his eyes on him more than once and the body language that followed after a little bit of talking had told him the rest.

_Spreading one's legs to show interest is such a typical thing to do, god._

Swiping his keycard over the lock, he opened his spacious bedroom with a balcony and frowned again. It was the cause of wrinkles, but sometimes it was difficult to keep a smooth face, especially when he hadn't predicted a certain behavior and it occurred.

_Usually they are so easy, what was up with that one?_

Entering the bathroom, Hyungwon examined his face intently. The makeup layer was particularly thin at his chin and his temples from rubbing them during day, but otherwise it looked superb as always. His lips had the perfect color and there was no difference between his chin and his neck. Overall, there was nothing to complain about unless one was a makeup artist and Hyungwon doubted that Mr. Strawberry had the skill.

_Can't be your looks, you saw his face._

Sighing loudly, he leaned over the sink and began to wash the gel and spray out of his hair before drying it with a towel. Next was a headband he used to keep his bangs out of his eyes while removing the makeup and applying skin care. It came with the job, so his hands worked all on their own, used to the different steps.

Once he was barefaced and folded his suit pants and Chanel shirt next to his bed, he closed the drapes to keep curious eyes away and slipped under the cold blanket. In the suite, it might have been warm, heated up by body warmth of another person.

_It doesn't really matter, you only wanted to sleep in the suite but he would have wanted more than that._

It was probably for the better. Hyungwon needed to be fit for work tomorrow and the delay was only going to make it worse, push the schedule further back and give him less time to sleep. Lack of sleep was one of the things he hated the most, right after eating vegetables.

_Too bad that both goes with the job._

There was no reason to be frustrated about a random stranger ditching him after showing interest. There were more important things to think about.

_He probably just got nervous because you asked him what else he has to offer._

Hyungwon doubted that it was more than the suite.

_

“I apologize, Sir, unfortunately there are no more window seats available. However, I can offer you a middle seat with more leg space.” The Air France employee smiled at him apologetically, before his eyebrows lifted up in the hope that the leg space was going to save him.

Hyungwon couldn't believe it. He had already been forced to get up at six-fucking - thirty for the earliest plane to Lisbon and they weren't even able to give him a window seat. How many people were taking that plane that all of them had checked in before him?

“Fine,” he muttered, but the intimidated look on the employee’s face told him that his expressions must have indicated that he was everything but fine.

“Maybe there is something else I could do for you, Sir?” the guy tried and Hyungwon's eyes focused on the prominent blue sign a few meters away, promoting a premium lounge while waiting for the flight with free wine and snacks.

_Perfect._

“Actually, I think there is,” he commented and felt his lips spread in a wide smile.

Special allowance in hand, Hyungwon made his way to the entrance of the lounge after abandoning his suitcase and having only a simple shoulder bag for his wallet and other important items. Even if he wasn't able to sit at the window, he had the advantage of spending the one and a half hours with a glass of wine and hopefully delicious snacks instead of the waiting area in front of the gate.

A lounge employee greeted him with a wide smile and instantly asked him what he would like to drink. It was exactly the way Hyungwon liked it, immediate service even before he had to look for it. Playing with the strap of his bag, he sat down on one of the soft black leather couches and crossed his legs; eyes scanning over what kind of people were rich and fancy enough to spend their time in a private lounge.

There was a woman in a Gucci dress, a businessman in a simple, grey suit that probably had his company pay the lounge access for him and Mr. Strawberry from last night. His eyes focused on the same red shirt that the person had been wearing yesterday that slipped down on one side due to his position.

A second glance revealed the pitch-black hair that was styled up and black headphones that covered his ears. Mr. Strawberry had his eyes closed and was visibly relaxed. Must have been because of sleeping in the fucking junior suite.

_Let it go, Hyungwon. Let it be gone with the wind, it only makes you frown._

Just as his gaze stopped at the guy's face, one of the small eyes opened, turning round and staring at him, before the second one opened and the other man's gaze moved to a small table with an espresso cup. Mr. Strawberry lifted it to his lips and took a sip, face performing something comparable to a seizure with how all of his muscles appeared to participate in the movement, before he put the espresso cup back on the white saucer. Leaning back against the black leather couch, the other man’s lips lifted up in a smirk and he closed his eyes again.

_He thinks you've been checking him out._

Hyungwon rolled his eyes to demonstrate his annoyance, even if nobody was there to see it, and made his way to an empty table next to the personification of pointless confidence.

_Only people with baseless confidence freak out when it gets interesting._

No matter how often Hyungwon told himself that the suite hadn't been worth it, the fact that the guy ditched him right when he showed a hint of interest was ridiculous. Even he needed more than a brief glance and a mirrored body posture to confirm his attractiveness. Whatever Hyungwon had done to show interest, it must not have been sufficient.

_Even now, he seems like he doesn't care apart from feeling full of himself._

Just when Hyungwon was about to pass the small table his pettiness hit and he brushed the table with his hand while throwing himself on the black couch next to it. His pettiness was effective, as the hit was strong enough to knock over the espresso cup, right on the guy’s pants.

_Well, fuck. That was a little too much, wasn't it?_

Huge eyes stared at him, as the man picked up the empty cup that managed to leave a few darker stains on his black jeans and one on the red shirt, tiny but kind of super visible.

_Fuck, you only wanted to piss him off._

Hyungwon definitely regretted it at this point, especially when the ruining of clothes was involved. His eyes immediately assessed the damage, but it was obvious that if Mr. Strawberry was going to Lisbon for work, he couldn't continue wearing that shirt.

“Shit, I'm sorry,” he exclaimed, adding genuine remorse to his acting and grabbed a few of the tissues that lay next to the espresso cup. He held them out towards Mr. Strawberry because he was definitely not rubbing over anybody‘s chest in a first class lounge. “Was it still hot?”

The guy had his eyes closed and inhaled sharply, before slowly opening them and lifting his arm with an isolated index finger, pointing at the exit, very much like the one time he had wanted to listen to the jazz solo at the hotel bar and attempted to make the sounds stop by shushing the other man. His head made a similar movement, dark gaze focused on him without blinking. It looked ridiculous to him.

_Does he really want you to leave the fucking lounge? Who does he think he is?_

Hyungwon lifted an eyebrow in sheer amusement that the guy assumed he had any right to throw him out.

_Apparently, he also barely controls his temper._

“I'm sure you are able to buy another one, if you want I can pay for your dry cleaning. Will that calm you down?” he asked and placed the tissue back on the table. There was absolutely no way he was willing to put in a single ounce of effort after being blatantly told to fuck off.

_Rude asshole._

The guy reached for his headphones and pressed some button, before sighing and licking over his lips tentatively, as if to calm himself down.

“That’s so nice of you,” he said, but he looked fucking nasty while talking. “But I have to decline, just leave; it will be more than enough.” Pressing another button on his headphones, Mr. Rude Strawberry leaned back and exhaled loudly.

Hyungwon chuckled, loud and clear, before leaning back into the couch and deciding to not give a single shit. The guy was rich enough to go to the premium lounge, his shirt wasn't all that nice anyway and he was an absolute dick. The conclusion was blatantly obvious, ignore and move on.

Crossing his legs, he waved one of the employees over and requested an Americano, smiling brightly and wrapping the person around his finger in a matter of seconds. Assholes didn't deserve to be charmed.

“Could you assist the gentleman? I have accidentally brushed the table and I am terribly sorry,” he elaborated and pouted a little.

The employee watched him intently before immediately beginning to say that it was fine and there was service available if necessary and that he was going to take care of it as quickly as possible. It was almost hilarious. Not hesitating much longer, the employee tapped Mr. Strawberry’s shoulder after the other man didn't react to words.

_Assholes also don't deserve to be left alone._

Opening one eye, the black-haired fucker pushed his headphones to the side and pointed at him, not glancing into his direction.

“Please don’t mind him. He’s a stalker, I have no idea how he managed to get in here. But could you get me another espresso, please?” Smiling brightly, the rude bastard leaned back again and closed his eyes, legs spread as if he was all that.

Luckily, Hyungwon had the employee on his side, who immediately began explaining that he was a nice gentleman who inquired about his well-being and other things that were absolutely unnecessary. It was hilarious and Hyungwon watched for a few more moments before closing his eyes and relaxing.

Nothing happened for some time, before Hyungwon registered a shift. He opened his eyes and watched as the rude asshole stood up and walked towards the two seater at the farthest corner of the lounge, obviously ignoring him on purpose. A few moments after sitting down, the black-haired man opened his bag and took out an ancient looking camera, staring at some random guy a few meters away and tilting his head. It looked weird, until he lifted the camera to his face and pressed the shutter release.

_Of course, a photographer._

Hyungwon should have known the creepy staring, the fascination and interest without acting on it. Of course, Mr. Strawberry was a photographer, fascinated by looking but too scared to get close. There weren't many photographers that Hyungwon would have considered socially skilled.

Smiling even more, he closed his eyes and relaxed again, legs crossed and head tilted back. It was a comfortable and at the same time ridiculously attractive pose. Hyungwon could feel a few stray eyes on him, observing. He doubted that Mr. Strawberry was among them.

_That man just doesn't know what's good._

***

There was a reason for avoiding people. They were mostly annoying and created unnecessary fuss. There was only one exception, namely if they were naked, overcome by pleasure and moaning. The tall, clumsy guy from last night was neither, so he only got annoyed after getting espresso on his shirt and trying to survive the dude’s attempts to get close kindergarten style with pointless annoyance and petty bullshit.

It got better after he changed locations and saw an older man with glasses, reading a book. The look was amazing, deep and in thought, Hoseok couldn’t point out what kind of thoughts the person could be thinking and that was what made it interesting, unpredictable and magical. Pressing the shutter, he smiled and put the camera back into his bag.

_You have an hour, so you may as well buy a shirt._

He stood up and switched the song, inhaling deeply and letting Troye Sivan’s ‘Dance To This’ lift his mood as he left the lounge along with the annoyance that he had felt before.

After buying a gorgeous, black silk shirt that showed his collarbones, having another coffee and super tasty pastries that he would’ve eaten ten pieces of if he didn’t have to work out for ten hours right after, he finally boarded. Unfortunately, he had to deal with the familiar roundish profile every now and then as he waited in line behind him at the gate and again when he sat down at his spot at the window and tried to ignore the black-haired figure moving closer along the narrow aisle.

_God, just act as if he is not on the same plane. It’s not that hard._

“So, you're the one who took the window seat? At this point it really feels like you're doing it on purpose.” There was an eye roll as the other man got comfortable in his seat and attempted to fit his long legs into the provided space. Hoseok could feel the big eyes on him, passing over his chest mostly. “But that shirt is gorgeous.”

_It’s only one hour twenty. One hour and twenty minutes, Hoseok. It’s nothing._

“I’m not sure what this is. Should I feel punished?” he asked, before staring at the blinking red on his headphones. _No. Fuck, noooo_. “But thank you,” he murmured, understanding that he had no way of shutting the guy up, at least not after his headphones ran out of battery and without being violent.

“Negative emotions might be considered a punishment,” the man remarked and winked once, grin spreading his lips. Spreading his long legs, the other man shifted again to straighten his knees. “But that shirt is a blessing. I want one.”

“You can spill another espresso on me, and then you can have it.” Grinning in reply, he embraced his shitty fate and spread his legs wider, touching the guy’s knee, but only because the dude didn’t respect the space that was given and put his legs everywhere. Scratching over his collarbone, he leaned back and waited until they took off to finally recline the seat and try to sleep.

_There will be models and you’ll have fun. Think about the positive things._

“Sorry, about the space but my legs are super long. Can we figure this out to maximize comfort for both of us?” There was a gorgeous, apologetic smile on the guy’s face as he tapped his knee with a slim index finger.

“Want to sit on my lap? I don’t think there’s enough space, but sure, make yourself comfortable.” Attempting to brush his bangs back because he forgot that he had styled his hair up, Hoseok glanced at the guy’s lap and noticed the way his pants hugged his slim legs.

_He does have nice thighs though._

There was a shift as the black-haired man reached for the armrest and lifted it up before lifting his right leg and throwing it over Hoseok's thigh. Sinking back into his seat, the other man exhaled softly and smiled.

“Perfect.”

_Really?_

He lifted his eyebrow and shifted under the weight that wasn’t much, but still enough to remind him of the fact that there was a leg on his lap.

_Wait until the flight attendant comes and tells him to sit the fuck straight._

“Enjoy it as long as it lasts,” he commented and placed his palm on top of the other man’s thigh.

There was a low chuckle and a nod as his seat neighbor closed his eyes and relaxed, remaining still until the flight attendant passed by and he smoothly returned to an upright position as if nothing happened. As soon as she left there was again the weight of the guy’s firm thigh on top of his.

_He’s a snake._

“You’re a sneaky bitch,” he murmured and let his fingers walk upwards starting from the bony knee, before his hand stopped a hand length under the other man’s crotch. He smiled and looked out of the window as the plane accelerated and finally took off.

If the person with the coffee eyes didn’t talk so much, Hoseok might have considered him nice company for a night.

“You're a rude dickhead with nothing to show,” the low voice replied, but the other man didn't move, leg still resting on his thigh and breathing calmly.

_Nothing to show?_

_Ah, apart from the suite. He is bitter, that makes sense._

“You’re bitter that I didn’t take you along last night and it shows in your behavior,” Hoseok whispered and smiled to himself, hand tightening around the firm thigh. He liked how it felt against his fingers. “Don’t worry, you’ll forget about it. Time heals almost any wound.”

“I have no wounds that require healing, I take care of them myself, honey.” Opening one eye and winking at him, the handsome man shifted his leg, resting it higher up on his thigh.

_He’s exhausting, why can’t he be quiet?_

“Then you should use the precious time, being in the air for thinking instead of talking, you know?” Stroking over the jeans-covered skin slowly, he stopped right before the space between the guy’s legs and pushed the limb from his lap, shifting and fixing the position of his jeans that rode up because of the unnecessary rubbing. As soon as the pants rode as low as he liked it, Hoseok pulled out his lip balm and applied it carefully, smacking his lips.

“You're the one who broke the silence with an insult,” the black-haired man commented and simply put his leg back before resting his head on Hoseok's shoulder without warning. Black hair tickled his neck a little and he felt the soft exhales against his collarbones. The third person in their row lifted an eyebrow, glancing over to them. Envious or pitying him, Hoseok didn't know.

_Wow, he's a leech._

“It wasn’t an insult, it was an observation, babe.” He tried not to pay attention to the additional weight on his lap and shoulder and leaned back, reclining the seat. The black-haired man didn't reply but Hoseok felt the full lips spread into a smile against his neck. After observing the white clouds outside, he focused his gaze on the guy’s face, following the line of his profile with his eyes.

It was interesting, sometimes his gaze resembled a touch, the way he looked at something as if he was feeling it with his fingertips, his hands, and his lips, it felt more intense when his gaze turned like this and he had some situations when other people asked him why he looked at them ‘weirdly’. His position was safe because the guy couldn’t see him. The big eyes closed after some time and Hoseok might have been a creep for surreptitiously getting out his cam and taking a picture of the round nose and the slightly parted lips. Not that he had any idea how the picture would turn out, as he couldn’t focus in his position.

_There must be some reward for this torture._

Pictures were a nice reward as was silence, so he told the flight attendant to fuck off when he was asked to put his seat back in position and held the small head carefully when they landed. Not that he was being nice or anything; it was selfishly motivated because it was so much better when the snake slept. Unfortunately, he couldn’t keep it up forever, so he threw the warm leg down from his lap and pulled at a strand of the black hair, hoping that he’d wake up.

“We’re here, get up.”

There was a brief jerk as the other man's eyes fluttered open for what felt like a second until they closed again and he buried his face in the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply. It freaked him out a little bit, but he tried not to show it, carefully shaking the man after curling his fingers around his bony shoulder.

“Hey, snake, wake up, we’re in Lisbon, come on,” he whispered into the curled up ear while leaning in and accidentally touching it with his lips after misjudging the distance.

“Mmh,” the low voice hummed as the black-haired man slowly lifted his head. His cheeks were rounder and made him look younger as he blinked a few times. It looked innocent, sweet until his whole demeanor suddenly changed, and he sat up and slapped his cheeks a few times. Reaching for his black leather bag, the other man pulled out a small hand mirror and began applying some gel to his face and adding lip balm as a finish. The puffy cheeks disappeared more with every passing second.

His lips curled in distaste and he swallowed the outpouring of sarcastic and rather mean comments, instead he was happy to have gotten the two pictures and to finally say goodbye and move on with his life without having the annoying person next to him.

_He should sleep all the time. It’s the only nice part of his existence._

“Would you go through?” he asked and pointed at the people who were already exiting the plane. He had half an hour before the photoshoot and his stress levels rose steadily considering the fact that he still needed his equipment and time to set it up.

“Sure,” the guy commented nonchalantly and closed his hand mirror with a sudden ‘click’. So overdone.

Standing up in a graceful motion, the tall person grabbed his leather bag and disappeared down the aisle, not bothering to look back or say anything else. He watched him leave, noticing his back that was perfectly straight as he walked and Hoseok's eyes immediately switched to his legs and the way he walked.

_A model?_

Suddenly his eyes widened as realization hit him out of nowhere. Of course, the black-haired bastard was a model, the sneaky behavior, the extraordinarily handsome face, no manners, no idea about anything apart from clothes, the amount of energy the dude obviously invested into his appearance and how he walked. Oh well.

Chuckling to himself, Hoseok got up and grabbed his camera, taking a picture of the other man’s back-view, just for fun, because he could, because he didn’t have to and because it wasn’t related to work.

 _Bye bye,_ he thought as he left the plane and made his way to the baggage claim, hoping to meet some nice company for the night after he was done with work.

_One that only moans and doesn't talk._

***

“You can go through to change already. One of the photographers was delayed, so they need a little more time to set up.” The stylist smiled briefly and Hyungwon chuckled at the comb that was hidden behind her pretty ear, revealing a flower tattoo along the shell. It was a daisy as far as he could tell and looked delicate, so he stared for a little longer.

“Thank you, Carolina,” he replied and didn't shy away from smiling brightly and gesturing towards her the pretty flower. “That tattoo is gorgeous, it suits you.”

There was a grin at first, and then the older woman shushed him and pointed her brush towards the changing area. It wasn't a room, but Hyungwon was used to that. When he first started there wasn't even a corner, he had changed right where he got his makeup done, his legs waxed if necessary and his butt lifted with little bits of tape.

_It improved a lot already._

Hyungwon felt moderately satisfied considering his situation and the fact that his plane had been cancelled, he didn't get the junior suite and he felt like he was the princess sleeping on a pea. Mr. Strawberry was muscular and broad but his shoulder and especially its height was still not optimal for a proper nap. His neck was a little stiff, but it had been better than staying awake throughout the flight.

_In addition, you got what you wanted._

Still grinning he quickly removed his beige pants and the elegant white shirt, changing into the provided clothes. The style was a mixture of smooth and casual, something the journal wanted to promote again. The blue, stripe pants weren't tight and felt almost skirt-like along his legs. Hyungwon liked the white string with which he tied them on his narrow waist. It wasn't visible because of the bit of fabric that was folded over it, but the ribbon was still recognizable around his crotch. The shirt was a simple white T, but what made the outfit elegant again was the equally blue and striped blazer. Hyungwon kept it open and sat down on a chair for the stylist to do his makeup and fix his hair. He was sure that the plan was forehead this time.

Once his bangs were styled to his and Carolina’s satisfaction, another stylist whose name he didn't know fixed the way the blazer covered his chest, namely only partially. Keeping a charming smile on his face, Hyungwon left the area to meet the photographer.

Entering the room, he saw a figure that crouched on the floor, back turned to him, lifting the tripod and presenting his plump, gorgeous ass.

_What a view._

“I need a minute, sorry for the delay,” the low voice murmured without the muscular man turning around.

“Sure, that's not a problem at all. I was also delayed because of a plane cancellation in Madrid. Just tell me when you need me, I'll be on standby,” Hyungwon replied and stepped back to not disturb the other man in his art.

Suddenly, the broad figure jumped up and turned around, staring at him with his round, familiar eyes.

“Fuck my life,” the photographer whispered and covered his eyes with the palm that he lifted in front of his face, exhaling sharply.

Hyungwon stared right back, at the muscular arms and chest, at the thick thighs and the shirt he had wanted to have for himself. There were Mr. Strawberry’s tiny T-Rex hands, covering his face as he suffered from a mental breakdown only because Hyungwon was the model. He was a damn good model too.

“Is there a problem?” he asked politely and glanced towards the rest of the team who already threw them confused glances.

_You don't need any of this bullshit. Can't he just take the pictures?_

The guy removed his hand and looked around, beckoning someone over, the art director from the magazine they were shooting for.

“Give him to Marc, I'll take the other one,” Hoseok commented and removed his cam from the tripod. The art director looked confused, pointing at the clock on the wall.

“But the other one won’t be ready for another hour.”

“I don't care. I saw Marc around, he can shoot him.” Mr. Strawberry looked completely calm, packing his equipment back into the huge black camera bag in front of everybody's eyes.

“Oh- okay,” the director murmured and turned around giving signs.

_He's ditching you again, but professionally._

Hyungwon's blood froze in his veins at the way the stylist team glanced at him before busying themselves with their brushes and eyeshadows, as if there was a need to rearrange them. The art director remained confused but wasn't able to say anything, not if the photographer was independent and didn't want to shoot him.

_It's your fault, you pissed him off enough to ruin the shooting._

He stared at the way the photographer packed up his equipment, efficient and as if there was absolutely nothing holding him back, neither the fact that Hyungwon was the model booked for his shoot, nor that he was ditching the preparatory work of a whole bunch of people.

_You were supposed to be his model._

His bottom lip trembled as he watched the way the black-haired man threw a folder on a table because it didn't fit into his bag immediately, one with the name ‘Lee, Hoseok’ on it.

Hoseok Lee, freelance photographer Hoseok Lee. The guy that took a photo of a young girl in front of the Eiffel Tower and had all of Europe lying at his feet to buy it even though every fucking idiot took pictures in front of it every day. The person who was famous for his shoots for Vogue and during the major fashion weeks.

_Fuck._

“W- wait,” he stuttered and stepped closer, placing his hand on the folder to keep it from falling off. “What keeps you from shooting me? Is there something that I did that makes me unsuitable as a model? I promise I will do my best to correct it.”

The man named Hoseok Lee looked up and took the file from his grip.

“Huh? You're a model, just like any other model, but I think it'll be better if Marc shoots you and I take the other guy. It's three days, you know? I’m practicing self-care.” Smiling, the black-haired man stood up and placed his packed up equipment into a corner. “Ah, I can even get a coffee now.”

Hyungwon stared as he furiously thought about what he could do to change the photographer's mind. His nervous gestures surfaced even though he hated it, playing with his fingers and chewing on his cheek.

“But what makes you so sure that the three days will be terrible? I can try my best to make sure they won't be. I'm a-” he swallowed because of how humiliating it felt, “a quiet worker.”

“You can get a coffee too; I doubt that you had time after the plane ride. Marc is a little slow so he will probably be ready in ten minutes. He's a good guy and you'll fit well, don't worry.” Smiling in reassurance, the muscular man walked to the coffee machine that was located in the small room next to the main set.

_He doesn't give a single shit what this means. He takes away your position in the magazine, just like that._

Hyungwon didn't follow. There was nothing he could do without saying please. He couldn't say please, it was too much, too humiliating. He had done nothing that warranted being ditched professionally. He hadn't insulted the other man's art and he was absolutely different privately, when there was nobody hurting his pride for no reason.

_Moreover, he's doing it all over again._

His fists shook and he inhaled sharply to keep himself from turning around, grabbing his bag and leaving the set, ditching the whole gig and going back to Paris. But he couldn't, not after signing the contract and having a two year deal with the magazine.

A confused looking guy came out of the dressing room, blonde and slim, with a camera in his hand.

_The second photographer._

“What's going on? What's up with Hoseok?” the guy asked and looked around, probably searching for the black-haired man who just walked out, smelling his coffee.

_Apparently, you're up._

Hyungwon felt uncomfortable with his position and the blame that settled on him with each passing second. Still he forced his facial features to relax and a smile to grace his lips. He could do this, even when he wanted to rip his face with his bare hands.

“Nothing. Could you switch with me?” Mr. Strawberry asked and took a careful sip. “But you should get ready now because the model is already on hold.”

“But why? Isn't it your shoot, the concept is different too and it's the clothes that you picked with the art director, aren't you upset?” the photographer named Marc asked and glanced in his direction, as if he was the reason for Hoseok Lee to ditch the photo shoot.

_But it's not because of your art, he doesn't even know your art._

“I'll get over it, you can do your own concept, you know I'm a bit particular in what I need for the aesthetics, so, just do whatever you like, he's a professional and he's handsome.” Hoseok Lee moved his head in his direction and took another sip of his coffee.

_He's trying to pretend that it's not about you._

“I apologize if I have done something to upset you. Can't we at least try? You can still cancel the shoot if you're dissatisfied with my work then,” he tried and stepped closer towards the photographer again. The photographer that was supposed to be his.

“You can set up already,” the black-haired man commented and waited until Marc left them and started unpacking his own equipment.

Turning towards him, Hoseok Lee took another sip and licked over his lips.

“Don't make a fuss and let him take pictures instead of me. Let's all have a nice three days, okay?”

“If you hadn't met me before this, you wouldn't have cancelled the shoot. You're judging on a snippet of me you have seen outside of my profession. Isn't it unfair towards me?” Hyungwon swallowed and forced his face to relax again, to remove the frown and the ugly way in which his forehead moved when he got upset. “I don't understand how you thinking that I'm a terrible person has anything to do with my skills as a model. I have no plans of making your life hell and I want to do a good job. Why can't we just both try our best?”

“First of all, yes, I judge you based on the snippet I've seen, but it's not my responsibility whether you think it's fair or unfair. You'll get your shoot and a photographer, so professionally speaking, I have no idea why you don't go with what I said. Secondly, my art depends on my mood. I don't like the way being next to you is affecting my mood and I don't want to do a shit job, you know? Marc will take some pretty pictures of you with your handsome face in the middle and you'll love it, you don't need some artsy guy making a concept for you. Don't worry, you said I'm a rude asshole, yes, I might be, so you'll enjoy working with someone who is nice to be around.” Downing his coffee, the photographer put his empty cup on the table and sighed, glancing at him.

“It's not only about me, it's also about the stylist team that prepared this, the makeup artists that invested their time and came early, only to have to remove everything and switch concept. It's about the rest of the team that prepared everything for us to start right this instant without delays. Because of a personal dislike for my person, you might be ruining work for a whole bunch of them, the way we ruined each other’s.” Brushing through his styled hair, he stepped even closer to examine the other man's facial expressions and chewed on his bottom lip, tasting lipstick. “I'm fine with you disliking me and we don't need to talk, we can simply work. Can't you at least give me a chance to change your mood?”

Suddenly the photographer's lips spread in a grin and he leaned closer, exhales brushing over his cheek.

“And that's the cool thing about us meeting before this, because if we hadn't met I might have believed all this fake consideration. They will be fine and so will you. I really like your lip bite though; it looks like something genuine, even though I can't tell with you.” Stepping back, the black-haired man waved at the art director who brought a tall, blonde man, probably the other model. “OK, I have to work. See you around,” Hoseok Lee murmured and left to greet the newcomer.

Hyungwon wanted to scratch that grin of the other man's face with his bare hands.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You also don't need to offer more than your pictures anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 12th of July at 2 PM CET.  
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Motives. Everybody had them and Hyungwon, the black-haired snake that seemed to accompany him like a leech since he has boarded the plane in Paris, wasn't an exception.

He couldn't have known who Hoseok was, his behavior on the plane and in Madrid was too different from his acting on set. The model was exaggerating his professionalism, but Hoseok wasn't an idiot. The snake could have fooled others with his handsome face and soft features, but for him it was clear that something changed, that Hyungwon suddenly wanted something from him. Now, after Hoseok had decided on another model.

_Just that you can't do anything with your guy besides maybe fuck him in the evening, it's a catastrophe._

Rubbing his temples, he announced another break, the third one by now, and took his camera along to look at the pictures in peace. He knew that there were no proper ones, nothing he could use, but he needed to see something apart from the blonde man's pale face. Fuck.

_You can't work like this. Who knows, maybe his expressions will change after you spend some time together and your ideas come after you get inspired by his pleasure-filled face?_

Slipping past the staff to the neighboring set, he walked along the wall, gaze focused on the other model, Hyungwon. His eyes immediately focused on the black hair and big lips that they covered up because Marc didn't know what was good. Hoseok was so disturbed by that and the change in outfit that didn't fit the concept. Damn it. He shouldn't have been angry about it because he wanted it like this, but art was like a kid, you are sometimes angry but you love it more than anything else, nevertheless. Always.

_You do._

He stopped in the middle, right across from the spot Hyungwon was standing on. The other man's eyes were focused on the camera and he pulled the typical model face, slightly parted lips and big, wide-open eyes. The black-haired snake was indeed extraordinarily handsome, but he didn't care about it in particular. Not as much as others in his field did.

_You would've told him to ditch his expression and to think about the Madrid skyline, the taste of the mint leaf that lingered on his tongue as he looked outside. You would've advised him to remember what he saw there and which associations came to mind._

Sighing, he observed every movement of the black-haired man in a dark blue blazer, which they thankfully left. After a few moments passed, he couldn't resist and lifted the heavy camera to his face, zooming in and focusing on the model’s face before pressing the shutter. He switched to the preview and smiled. It was okay.

_However, you are supposed to shoot the other guy, Hoseok. You abandoned the snake and there was a good reason for doing so. Too many negative emotions._

Suddenly he felt eyes watching him. A brief glance towards the set immediately revealed that it was the model, observing him intently while still effortlessly following Marc’s instructions. It seemed like his colleague didn't even mind not having the other man's eyes on his lens.

_Why is he like this?_

Hoseok considered telling Marc to focus, but remembered that it wasn't his business and not his concept anymore. It was some rather beaten up, sad and empty version of it. He should've abandoned it. Instead, Hoseok lifted the heavy camera once again, zoomed in and took a few pictures, watching the interesting features in the LCD display without lifting his gaze.

Hyungwon had looked right into the lens and even though his facial features were originally soft, it gave off an intense feeling, as if the other man wanted to jump at him. He liked it. A lot.

_He can do it._

Sighing, he looked up again, gaze locking with the big coffee eyes.

_He probably thinks you're fancying him or some similar bullshit._

The other man's gaze remained intense as he turned to the side and removed a stray strand of hair from his forehead. A stylist immediately ran to the stage to put it back because Marc insisted, but there was a brief moment of annoyance on the model's face that Hoseok didn't miss. There was no reason to fix the strand, it didn't belong and had no purpose in the shot. Pseudo-artistic bullshit, that's what it was.

_He doesn't look content. But it's also not your business._

Hoseok watched the shoot for a few more seconds before returning to his own set and immediately getting annoyed at the lack of chemistry and lack of ideas. He sucked badly if he didn't see anything behind the shell.

“Oliver, let's call it a day, I need some time to think,” he commented and smiled, reassuring the guy that it wasn't because of him. After seeing the satisfied face, he knew that the model didn't get the problem at all. “Let's get a drink, later in the evening,” he commented and winked, getting exactly the reaction he anticipated. An obvious spike of excitement and a semi-shy response. It was enough to know that he had company for tonight.

Leaving his equipment as it was, he took his file and walked over to the kitchen.

_Having some fun won't give you ideas, will it? It never does, so why would it be different this time?_

After making himself a coffee, Hoseok sat down at the white table and opened the file to rethink the concept, scribbling down ideas and drawing different sketches next to the perfectly planned shoot he had wanted to do with Hyungwon. Before he knew that it was him, that is.

_But you liked the way he looked just now, how he showed his anger, it looked amazing, apart from the lips._

Hoseok would have to Photoshop them back into the picture later.

“I prefer the sketches on the right,” a low voice commented behind him until he saw a shift to his left and the model he had replaced sat down next to him, one leg immediately crossing over the other. He looked good in the blazer Hoseok had chosen, but the rest of his outfit and the adjustment of the makeup was terrible, to say the least. As if Hyungwon knew, he reached for his lips and rubbed the back of his hands over the top lip, removing the concealer a little bit.

“I prefer the make up the way it was before,” he commented and returned his attention to the sketches. The snake was right, the previous sketches were much better, but it was too late now.

“How is your chemistry? Everything okay?” he asked with fake interest because he knew the answer already.

“My pulse was definitely higher when you stopped by the set to take a picture of my wrath,” the model commented nonchalantly and stood up again to prepare a cup of coffee for himself. “He's fine, but I feel like we get better results if I tell him when to press the shutter.”

_Sad. Nevertheless, not surprising. Marc is not the creative type, but it could have worked out._

“Well, one can't always have luck with photographers, just like one can't always have luck with the models,” Hoseok murmured, adding a detail to the previous sketch for no reason. “I liked your expression, so I took a picture. Don't worry, I won't publish it, it's for me.” He wished he could've told Oliver what to do and how to look.

_You did. Only it didn't help._

“You sound like you have no control over this whatsoever,” Hyungwon remarked and lifted an eyebrow as he sat back down, observing him carefully. “You said you need the right mood to take pictures, apparently you had it just now.”

_He's unusually persistent about this._

“It was two pics, one because I was curious and the second, because I liked how furious you looked,” he explained. Taking a sip of his coffee, Hoseok closed the file and sighed. After some time went by in silence that he appreciated a lot, he focused his gaze on the black-haired snake and stared.

“Now you tell me why you suddenly want me to take pictures of you. I know that you had no idea who I am, but your opinion of me apparently changed after we met again on set, so what's the reason? What do you want?” Hoseok leaned closer and observed Hyungwon's face to not miss a single twitch.

“Pictures,” the model replied immediately and brushed through his hair, removing the strand that had been placed where it didn't belong before. “I've seen your work, you catch something genuine, even if the setting is fake. I want to know what you see when you see me.”

_A mixture of the title of your last interview and selfishness. Fine. He's a consistent asshole._

“Aha. My model sucks and I suck at the moment, so I'm not sure about catching anything. Maybe it'll change after I've slept like a normal person without having a cancelled flight and being bothered. I think you're safe with Marc.” He smiled and took his file, placing the used cup into the sink. “He should've left your lips alone though,” he added, before walking towards the door.

_He annoys you so easily. It was a good decision to switch._

“But what if I'm able to show what you want me to show,” Hyungwon called after him, slowly standing up from the chair and emptying his coffee in a few gulps, adam's apple bobbing with each swallow. “You liked the anger, what else would you like me to show?” The model's eyes were intense as he watched him, hand carefully returning the cup to the table and mouth slightly parted.

_His lips, for fucks sake._

He was unable to ignore the torture, so he walked over and pulled a tissue out of the box that stood on the right side of the counter before coming closer and reaching for the other man's face. Carefully, he closed his fingers around his round chin, pulling it up to see better and wiped the concealer from Hyungwon's thick, makeup-covered lips. After he was done, he released a breath he wasn't aware of holding and felt way more at ease.

_Now it's finally gone._

“Just shut up,” he whispered, and turned around, leaving the kitchen to return to his hotel room and get some rest without having to witness how Marc ruined his concept.

_You wanted it like this._

He did. At least he thought he did.

_

“Did you like the outcome of the shooting today?” the blonde man asked while closing his lips around one of his nipples and sucking intently.

_No._

Why were people so annoying? Hoseok inhaled and exhaled to calm down and formulated something nice to reply, without telling Oliver to fuck off or that he sucked and his expressions at the photoshoot made him want to stop taking pictures all together.

_Be nice. You gave him some pleasure and he gave you some too, so don’t be a dick._

“Can we not talk about work? Can we like- not talk at all? I want to hear more of the other sounds I know you can make,” he murmured while his hand travelled along the model's long spine. It was the second round that he actually didn't mean to go for, but Oliver went off and screamed so nicely, so he was still considering.

Again, the pale face appeared in his sight, lips moving and producing the kind of sounds he didn't like.

_God._

“But you heard me moan already, now you can tell me about my performance, it's important to me, especially because I heard that you chose me, even though it was actually Hyungwon who was planned for the shoot. He’s actually quite famous, Hyungwon. What is it that you liked so much about _me_?” The way Oliver’s face changed made him want to slap him, which was extreme, but so was the baseless arrogance that the blonde man displayed.

_Nothing. You liked nothing and now it’s even less. Fucking disappointing. What’s wrong with this whole trip?_

Oliver was trying some weird conditioning on him, asking stuff and sucking on his nipples in succession. It was super annoying, so Hoseok grabbed a fistful of the other man’s hair and pulled the blonde man off.

_Tell him, so that he understands._

“Listen, Oliver, you have a model face and your body is okay, but that wasn't the reason for choosing you for the shoot. It wasn't about you at all, so don't think about it and more importantly, don’t imagine anything, because whatever you might think the reason for changing the concept and the model for the shoot was, you were not part of the reason. You were simply there.” He sat up and carefully pushed the guy from his chest. “I plan on working some more because I'm still dissatisfied with some parts, so it would be nice if you left. Get some sleep, we have a long shooting day tomorrow. It will be exhausting.”

_Nailed it._

That was the point where he stopped paying attention to the blonde model that looked a little shocked, but people had to listen to an honest opinion sometimes. Walking towards the bathroom, he said his goodbyes and slipped into the shower, washing the remnants of sex and Oliver’s strong perfume off his body. The hot water was pleasant and he was satisfied with his decision to not go for a second round. It would've involved a lot of topic talking and him probably telling Oliver that he sucked and that he hadn’t been able to see anything behind the shell. It wasn't necessary to tell people that they sucked that bad, especially if they couldn't do anything about it.

After getting dressed, Hoseok took his old camera and packed it into the small leather bag that he threw over his shoulder before leaving the hotel room. He wanted to work and working meant that he would go to the beach at night and enjoy the sound of the waves while thinking about what to do with this giant fuckery. His company for the night turned out to be more disappointing than inspiring, so he looked forward to erasing the uncomfortable memories by adding some nice ones on top and hoping that they would overshadow the negativity and emptiness he felt.

_You don’t like feeling like this, it’s like you are not able to touch things when you see them._

Walking down the hallway, lost in thought, he noticed too late that a tall, black-haired figure walked towards him, gaze focused on the floor. A few seconds passed, before he recognized the snake who had a bottle of wine in his hand and stopped in front of a room, probably his own. Hoseok stopped too and watched the expression on Hyungwon's face, it was interesting, something pulled him to look closer, to take a picture, but there wasn't enough time as the model pushed the handle and disappeared behind the door. Closing it without noticing him.

_He would've talked to you if he’d noticed. Right?_

He stood still for a few moments, artistic mind fighting with the rational one, a battle that was lost from the start because he was an artist.

Suddenly, there was a notification sound and he opened his texting app, staring at the mixture of bunny emojis and words. ‘Did you take pretty pictures today? You have to show me, I'm curious.’ The message immediately painted a smile on his features and he felt his expression soften as he typed a reply.

‘Not yet. However, I will. I'll show you when I'm back,’ he replied, still smiling and adding a big blue heart emoji right after.

_You didn't take any pretty pictures, but you should. That’s why you’re here, away from home._

The text from the familiar number gave him the necessary push as he walked the few steps and stopped in front of the dark-brown door, knocking loudly. He was determined to see whether he was right, whether there was anything behind the shell, whether the expression that peeked through occasionally was any good, deep enough, and dark enough to work with.

_Maybe you’ll see nothing, or it won’t fit your art and you can finally let it go._

Personal emotions were one thing, but artistic expression was another. He didn’t like the black-haired man, he really didn’t and if it wasn’t about art he wouldn't have talked to him. Ever.

_Sacrifices, Hoseok. One has to make sacrifices for art._

He heard quiet footsteps and some shuffling before the door opened approximately twenty centimeters wide. Huge brown eyes peeked out and widened even more as soon as they focused on him. Hoseok knew he had to say something, but he took his time to watch first. Pushing against the door to see more, he revealed the rest of the other man’s small face. He liked the yellowish light that threw shadows on Hyungwon’s round nose and his thick upper lip, how the long lashes moved with each blink and the dark color of his eyes. But most of all, Hoseok liked the genuine surprise and a hint of nervousness he could see. It had been the right decision to knock.

_It looks as if it’s there. At least for now._

“I heard you got a nice room this time, so I came to visit,” he commented and grinned. Hoseok had no reason to reveal his motives, especially after cancelling everything himself and before admitting to anything. He needed to see whether it had been a mistake in the first place.

“I see, so the stalker isn't me anymore,” the handsome man replied and smiled. It looked genuine and playful as he opened his hotel room door wider and stepped to the side, inviting him in. “You got me right before I removed my makeup, you're lucky.”

_He doesn’t think that you want to fuck him, right?_

“You feel stalked? I can leave, I was about to go to the beach but changed my mind last minute.” Hoseok gestured towards the window with the sea view and smiled back before pointing at the other man’s face. “I’m not lucky. Remove it.”

“What?” Again, there was genuine surprise on the other man's face and Hoseok didn't need to guess that it was about the makeup. Hyungwon's long fingers slipped along the door handle, wrapping around it delicately as he appeared undecided about how to act next. Hoseok loved it. “You want me to remove it? You have already adjusted it before. It wasn't enough?”

“I’m not your photographer, so it’s not my business, but you said I was lucky, which isn’t true because I don’t like it. The make-up, I mean.” The door was still open, so he stepped inside and looked around, to at least pretend that he was interested in the room that looked identical to his own.

Hyungwon hummed and closed the door, turning the lock smoothly as if it was an automatic reaction, nothing that he explicitly decided to do. He didn’t really care because it meant nothing.

“I said that you are lucky because I wouldn't have opened the door,” the other man commented and walked over to a dark brown armchair, sitting on the arm rest with one leg immediately crossing over the other. A smile played around his lips as he gestured towards the bottle on his table. “Wine?”

_Does he need wine to show you?_

“Sure, if it’s any good,” he replied with a smirk and sat down on the bed, spreading his legs and watching the tall man. “You’re self-conscious without make-up? I have trouble believing it, although… ”

_He did go crazy after the plane ride, immediately applying stuff and slapping his face._

“I never said I'm self-conscious,” the other man replied but the hesitation that stretched for a few seconds before he smiled said something else. Lifting up from the armrest, the tall model walked over to the bottle and took out two glasses from the shelf next to it. After opening the wine with a few quick motions of his big hands, he poured the dark red liquid into the glasses, holding one of them out towards Hoseok. Instead of returning to his spot on the armchair, the model remained at the counter, leaning against it.

A small smile graced Hyungwon's plump lips as he lifted the glass to his nose and inhaled the scent.

_Ah, here it is._

Sighing in annoyance, he took the glass with a nod, before looking away. After taking a long sip, he watched the sea-view instead and thought about why the hell he decided to visit the snake in his cave. The wine tasted okay though.

“I’m pretty sure that your face looks better without makeup. The eyeshadow is overdone and your lips are still covered,” he commented, to at least leave some advice, making his visit valuable in some way.

“It always depends on the makeup. I don't really like this either, but even natural photoshoots require makeup, so it's a big beauty lie anyway, isn't it?” The model sighed, but relaxed again after taking a sip of his wine. “I'm still trying to understand what gives me the honor of your presence, Mr. Photographer.”

_Fine._

Sitting straight, he took another sip and put his glass on the table, watching as the model observed his movements. Hoseok stopped taking care of his facial expressions and narrowed his gaze.

“Well, I won’t play the snake game then, that’s fortunate. To be honest, I don’t care about your room, I don’t care about your self-confidence or your wine. You looked playful, which might be a cool strategy, but I don’t want you either. Actually, I rather dig that one deep expression I saw once and I came to see whether it’s somewhere to be found, but it’s not. You’re just bitter, but I’m not interested in bitter.” He stood up and pointed at the glass. “The wine was okay though.”

_It was._

“Then maybe you should finish it,” the black-haired man answered, voice low and different from the way it had been a moment ago. When his eyes met the already familiar, coffee colored ones, there was more intensity in the eye contact, more tension in the space between them. There was something challenging in the way the big orbs narrowed a little and the other man's lips parted, as if he couldn't bear to keep the air in his lungs. Hyungwon let his fingers slide along the stem of the glass until they reached the bottom and pushed it a little further away on the counter. “If… there is something that you want to see, and then maybe you only need to ask.”

_What is he trying to do?_

Hoseok didn’t want to ask anything, he wanted to get his picture and go to the beach. He wasn’t interested in some weird ass staring competition and he didn’t want to talk or to have sex. There was only the certainty about the existence of something that was worth working with on his mind.

“I don’t want to finish it, I’m not your kindergarten teacher and not your photographer to tell you what to show and what not to show. Furthermore, I’m not at work, I only got curious, but there wasn’t a point as I figured, so I’ll leave you because I’m not a stalker and not bitter about not getting stuff either. On the bright side you will finally be able to remove your make-up.” Lifting up one corner of his lips, he prepared to leave, but stopped in the middle of a movement and focused on Hyungwon’s face for a little longer. He inhaled and let his gaze stroke along Hyungwon’s left eyebrow, over the middle-line of his nose, gently tracing the outer curve of his lip, so soft, velvety, and travelling over his jaw and neck, before taking the shorter way back to his eyes. It was an interesting feeling, touching with his gaze and usually he would’ve been careful with his ‘creepy’ gaze, but at this point he couldn’t bring himself to care.

_Interesting._

Something in the black-haired man’s expression changed when their eyes met again. The intensity that had focused in the frown and the way the model narrowed his eyes disappeared suddenly, as if someone had pulled an emotional plug, replacing all that anger with something raw, something vulnerable. It stayed for a few seconds, staring right back at him until Hyungwon blinked, sucked his plump lips into his mouth and turned away, focusing his attention on his glass of wine.

“Then leave.”

_No fucking way._

“Give it back, it was right there,” he murmured in excitement, eyes widening and hand reaching for the other man’s chin and turning his head back to him. Hoseok took out his camera with his free hand and looked into the coffee-brown eyes, waiting for Hyungwon’s attention to return to him.

_Please._

The black-haired man lifted his gaze, lips still trapped in between his teeth until he suddenly let go of them and Hoseok could see the way the bottom one trembled, only visible because he was so close.

_Gorgeous._

“Fuck off, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered.

_You can fuck off after you captured it._

“Yes, give me a second, please,” he replied and lifted the camera, focusing on the other man’s face through the lens and finger pressing the shutter quickly. It was perfect he knew it. Smiling, he let go of Hyungwon’s chin and packed the cam back into his bag. “Get some rest, I won’t disturb you anymore,” he commented and walked towards the door, unlocking it and slipping through the narrow space, silently closing it behind himself. Hoseok ditched the idea about the beach because he had the best possible outcome after visiting the black-haired model. The next steps were clear and there was no point in thinking about it.

_It’s there. You were annoyed and made a mistake, Hoseok._

***

There was no sound when the door fell into its lock behind the other man, leaving Hyungwon helplessly amongst the broken remains of his pride.

He would have preferred it to make a sound, loud enough to evoke a painful throbbing in his temples and thereby distract him from the grotesque void in his chest. The air passed through the thin space between his lips, but it had no effect, Hyungwon still felt the same.

_Used, you feel shamelessly used._

He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this way and he didn't want to. The knowledge that the feeling was familiar was enough to make him sick to his stomach and reach for the glass of wine on the counter, emptying it in one go.

_You shouldn't have opened the door, you should have stayed with your wine, alone, the way you like it._

The photographer had come to him because he wanted to see something genuine, see behind the layer of makeup, behind the layer of skin even. The black-haired man had come to see him, to strip everything away from him and capture the raw essence.

_But who the fuck is he to be allowed to capture it, to imprison it?_

The other man had said it himself, he wasn't his photographer. Hyungwon didn't owe him anything and he also didn't need to show him anything. He had offered entry into his private space because he had hoped for the black-haired man to change his mind and shoot him after all. He had wanted to experience which side of him the photographer could see, but Hyungwon felt like Hoseok Lee had simply grabbed the garment he held in front of his face and ripped it away, tearing it to shreds and discarding them like a dirty piece of cloth.

_He made you feel naked. Naked and raw._

Hyungwon hated it and the thought alone was revolting. His fingers shook when he poured himself another glass of wine, but he ignored it just like the few drops that landed on the counter instead. He felt like somebody had walked into his safe space, used his insecurities to look inside of him and took a picture as a souvenir.

_He has the physical proof of your weaknesses while you are left with the void._

Swallowing bitterly, he strode over to the door and turned the lock, unable to keep himself in check, to get rid of the hurt he felt at what had just happened.

_He provoked you to see it, and once he got it he left._

Shaking from his own emotions, Hyungwon grabbed the other man's half-empty glass and threw it against the wall with full force. The noise was pleasant, similar to the way the door should have sounded to help him snap out of it. The shards fell on the carpet like small raindrops and the red colour of the wine created a sun on the white wall.

He watched the shiny glass for a little longer than he should have, examining the edges and the way they scattered on the floor. Exhaling slowly, he tore his eyes away and made his way to the bathroom. After all he still had to remove his makeup and get ready for bed.

_Only for you to see._

_

The dark red color spread evenly over his lips as he stared at the familiar reflection in the mirror. He saw it every day, for hours on end, always covered in a different layer of pretense.

Hyungwon didn't mind, it was what he lived for and if he had any particular love for what was behind all of it, he might have chosen a different profession. Reality wasn't what he was selling, not really at least.

_Only small bits of it, a taste that melts on the tongue and disappears._

His eyes travelled from his reflection to the few dried drops of wine on the counter. Hyungwon would have loved to color his lips with wine, a dark bordeaux. If the color of wine was at least as long lasting as the marks it left on white fabric.

Sighing, he brushed through his styled black hair and fixed the way the collar of his white shirt graced his neck. He knew that the stylists were going to redo everything anyway, but he preferred to do the base himself, to influence who he was when he left the sanctuary of his private space.

_You'll have another day of telling that guy when to press the shutter._

Groaning in frustration, he stepped back and grabbed his bag. He had to get this over with and focus on the enjoyable part of the job. Preferably, far away from Lisbon and the mixture of hurt and hatred he still felt towards that fucking asshole.

_It looks bad on you and you know it, stop frowning and keep your features smooth._

His eyes fell on the few drops of wine again and he hesitated for what felt like two seconds before licking his index finger and making them disappear. Hyungwon had no use for reminders.

Entering the set, he was rather overwhelmed by the chaos, beginning with people running around and moving equipment around and finishing with his stylist talking animatedly to the second, in his opinion rather typical, model.

“... I think because he doesn't like mixing private and professional stuff. We had a lot of fun last night, so I guess he decided it was better to switch to Marc. But it's fine, I understand his decision,” the guy said, while his own eyes focused on the black-haired asshole telling Marc to hurry up and move his equipment. The rudeness was no joke.

_Is that why he came to you? He fucked the other model and suddenly it got awkward?_

Hyungwon couldn't believe that a man who was supposed to be a famous photographer wouldn't be able to separate his private and work related relationships, but then again Hoseok Lee had also been unable to shoot him because of their previous encounters.

_He fucked that guy, but got scared with you. Interesting._

His eyes passed over the set to understand what the hell was going on and why the black-haired man had decided to switch back to the original arrangement again.

_So first he fucks off and now everybody suddenly has to dance according to his whims again?_

“Hey, Hyungwon,” the art director rushed over to him, burying a petite woman under a heap of clothes that she threw on top of her. “Plan change: you're going back to Hoseok, so get ready, he just designed a new concept in- like a night and we're going nuts. But on the bright side, I heard that it's fucking genius, you're lucky, oh my god. Thank Jesus, I had real trouble explaining to the chief editor why Hoseok didn't want to shoot you.”

The calmest person on set was Mr. Lee, carefully putting up his tripod, checking the lights on both sides, and advising the staff as if he had not created the chaos in the first place.

_He’s absolutely nuts._

Hyungwon shook his head in disbelief before nodding at the art director and making his way to the stylist who threw him into the chair. Only when Hyungwon stared at his face again, observing the curve of his lips and the red color, did he realize what was the actual element of surprise within the whole switch of concepts.

_He decided to shoot you after all._

It didn't make any sense. Why would the guy want to shoot him after telling him that whatever it was that he wanted to see wasn't there? Hoseok Lee had even emphasized that he wasn't his photographer and not the one to tell Hyungwon what to do.

_Apart from the fact that he simply took what he wanted by force._

His fists shook in another spark of anger until Carolina suddenly put her palm on his forearm, smiling apologetically.

“I know, it's probably super stressful with all those switches, but he’s supposed to be good at what he does. I'll switch the lipstick, okay?”

“Don't you dare touch his lips,” the low voice behind him said while the black-haired asshole leaned over to Carolina and continued pointing at him and whispering a fuck ton of things that he couldn't hear. “I want to start soon,” the other man finished and simply ignored him, returning to the set.

_He doesn't give a single shit about you, but he wants to shoot you._

Hyungwon couldn't understand the other man's reasoning, it wasn’t obvious at all. Most photographers were fascinated by his face and wanted to shoot him and his body because of that, or because of their personal favoritism. But the black-haired man who was running around and muttering instructions as if nothing major had happened, didn't care about him at all. It wasn't about him and the way he looked, that much was obvious.

_Is it because of what he forced you to show?_

Again his fists shook and his jaw clenched, but he held back to allow Carolina to apply a little bit of eyeliner. It was minimal compared to what he was used to.

_Is it his attempt to see you without make-up?_

Hyungwon immediately felt like throwing another glass of wine against a wall, or better yet, at the photographer’s face. He didn't want to show him anything, none of the things he took without consent.

_Now it's under a contract, so it's your job._

He liked his job; he really did, the way he could show his body and himself in a different light through the eyes of another person. He enjoyed the effort he had to put into his appearance and the opportunities it gave him. It's been a long time since modelling had felt like he was selling himself, but the arrogant photographer was stirring up feelings of self-disgust that Hyungwon had abandoned a long time ago.

Walking over to the set up space, he saw the black-haired asshole adjusting something on his cam.

“Are you ready?” the low voice asked, without Mr. Lee lifting his gaze, like a normal person would.

_Because he doesn't give a single shit, he only cares about his own ideas._

“Yes,” he replied, unwilling to waste any more air on the other man. Fixing the light blue shirt creation, he entered the prepared set and waited for specific instructions. After all he didn't even know the concept yet. Only that it involved a bed that stood in the middle of the set.

“I had this amazing idea yesterday, because you hate me a lot, but still want me to take pictures. I didn't sleep, but I managed to come up with a new approach that enables you to get pictures and have a free day tomorrow because I can wrap it up today.” Smiling, the photographer watched his every move, following along with the camera.

_A concept that incorporates hatred and only needs one day?_

Hyungwon lifted an eyebrow and sat down on the provided bed, wondering where this was going. He approved of the mattress though, the way it only gave in a little bit and reminded him of the one he had at home. A smile passed his lips, but he swallowed it as quickly as it had appeared.

_You still don't know what he wants._

“You could've came barefaced, that amount of makeup is for people who can't find the right lighting,” Hoseok murmured before taking his camera and walking towards him, slow steps echoing off the wooden floors until he stepped on set.

“What's your first thought when you wake up, Hyungwon?” the low voice asked and lifted the camera, hiding his face behind it.

_It's easier when you cannot see that it's him._

“That if my bed was a sea I wouldn't mind drowning in it,” he replied truthfully. It was the first second or two, immediately followed by the realization that his face was probably puffy and he looked like shit.

“Mhm, then drown,” Hoseok whispered and walked around him.

_It could be a threat._

Hyungwon stared at the camera lens for a few seconds before simply letting himself fall back on the mattress. He didn't weigh much, so he flew up a few centimeters before settling on the soft sheets. The blanket and pillow were all freshly washed and smelled like spring flowers, so he focused on the scent and the softness of the sheets. He was an expert, so of course he kept his body arranged so that he showed his good angles, but his face relaxed.

_You're working and you're paid for showing what you're told to show, so do it._

“I see you pay attention to your posture when you drown, remarkable,” Hoseok chuckled before he felt a light touch on his collarbone as the other man fixed his collar and a few strands of his hair, before the shutter went off a few times. “I like it, but you don't hate me enough.”

_He only can't see it, because it's yours to keep._

Suddenly he heard shuffling and opened his eyes, everybody was leaving while Hoseok gestured for all the staff to fuck off.

“But-” the stylist muttered.

“Get out,” Hoseok commented without sparing her a single look.

Hyungwon sat up and couldn't help the way his eyebrows lifted in surprise at the sheer audacity of the other man. He had worked with famous photographers before, more than once and even some that had been on his list of people he dreamt of working with. However, none of them had ever thrown the whole staff out, just like that, as if they weren't necessary and the photographer could do everything on his own. It was unbearable how everybody kept sucking up to the other man, only because he was famous.

_You did the same, until you saw that he doesn't give a single fuck about people._

“What the fuck?” he muttered and stared at the way the black-haired man clicked through the previews of his shots, as if there was nothing special about ditching the whole production team.

_He seems to be particularly versed in ditching people, brushing them off like dust._

“Your levels of pretense made this necessary,” Hoseok commented and brushed back his bangs. “Now you can hate me and curse me like you did yesterday in the spark of authenticity that shone through. You could also say ‘I won't do anything you tell me, you cruel bastard’ but tell me now, cause I don't like wasting my time.”

Hyungwon watched the other man for a few moments, considering whether to tell him immediately that he was going to get nothing from him. Nevertheless, he hesitated, examining the set, his clothes, the way the other man stared at the preview shots he had taken.

_You're curious, you still want to know what it is that he sees._

“I'll do it,” he replied and got more comfortable on the bed, leaning back on his arms and crossing his legs. “But I still hate your guts, especially since you seem perfectly aware of being cruel.”

“I don't think I'm cruel, I simply know that you don't understand me and others don't understand either that's why it seems cruel. I'm tired of explaining because it doesn't work. Fact is, I made a mistake based on my gut feeling towards you, I still don't like you, but I like what I can see.” Smiling to himself, the black-haired photographer walked around him again “What do you think before falling asleep? What's your last thought? Imagine there's nobody here, I'm gone too and you're completely alone, laying in the soft sheets and sinking into the waves.” The other man's voice sounded like a river, low and fitting to the words.

Hyungwon preferred it when his eyes were closed, when he slowly lowered himself to the mattress and sunk into the feeling of the soft sheets. Like this he could pretend that the photographer wasn't there, that it didn't matter whether he hated him or not. His fingers brushed over the soft fabric, enjoying the way it tickled his skin and how easily he could tune everything out.

_What do you think about when you are about to fall asleep?_

He chuckled at the thought because an ‘if’ was missing. If he fell asleep. He needed it and he suffered when he didn't get enough of it, but as so often the case, the one thing he yearned for the most didn't come to him easily.

“I think about how much time I have left until I need to wake up again, how exhausted I might be, how much time my routine will require,” he whispered and inhaled the detergent of the pillow. Again, it reminded him of spring, like falling into a basket of flowers and falling asleep. “I also think about whether I am satisfied with what I have done, whether I need to improve.”

_The wine helps with falling asleep._

“You don't need to verbalize it, you can simply think it, I can feel it through your posture, the way you move, how fast you gasp for air. But you are free to talk if it helps you,” the low voice whispered somewhere on the right, only disturbed by the shutter that was working nonstop. “How does it feel to be sleepless? Is this bed your friend or your enemy? Is it a positive drowning or a negative one when you let yourself sink into the sheets, knowing that something that you're expecting to come won't? That it's a place of endless waiting. That others can have it just like this whereas you're lying here, wishing for nothing more than a bit of unconsciousness?” The shutter didn't stop, filling the room in a repetitive clicking noise while Hoseok talked and while he didn't. It created an enjoyable background noise.

Hyungwon thought back, remembered the way it had felt to lie on his hotel bed, to close his eyes and beg for sleep to finally wash over him like a wave, to lull him in an embrace instead of pulling him under the surface like it did after an exhausting day. He hadn't been able to call for it the night before, frustrated with the hurt in his chest and the self-hatred for falling for the black-haired man's schemes. He regretted opening the door and fooling himself, but at the same time his embarrassment and shame had given him an opportunity.

_The chance to be photographed, just the way you wanted it._

Hyungwon just didn't know if it was worth it in the end.

“Perfect, now I need you to sit on the floor and lean your head on the bed. You can think whatever you like, I'll tell you if it doesn't fit.” As soon as he opened his eyes, he had Hoseok's hand right in front of his face, adjusting his hair before the other man took a picture while he stared at him. Creep. “Don't worry; you can go back to bed later, for the final series.” There was a tiny smile and it was weird to see the cruel bastard smile. “It seems as if you'll get rid of me faster than you anticipated. I hope that gives you a positive outlook.”

Hyungwon didn't care about how much time it took, as long as he was able to focus on the lens or on blackness instead of the triumphant face. The gaze reminded him of the fingers on his chin and the sound of the shutter when he had wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

Sitting up, he blinked a few times to get used to the light and crawled down, back leaning against the bed and hands loosely resting on his knees. It reminded him of his darker modeling days, when he was barely able to keep himself upright from exhaustion and didn't even reach the bed before fainting. The floor next to the bed and the pain in his limbs had been the first sensation when he woke up back then. So much had changed since then, he had a permanent contract and a few deals as an add-on. He had a decent resume and could afford turning down projects he didn't want to waste his time on.

_You also don't need to offer more than your pictures anymore._

He gasped and closed his eyes to think of something else, to focus on the sheets against his neck as he threw his head back, the softness and the calm. There was no need to show something he didn't want to show anymore.

_Not unless it is taken from you._

Hoseok was shooting during the time he thought about his past, but Hyungwon only realized when the sound of the shutter ceased and left them in complete quiet.

“That went faster than I thought. Now the bed again, but it's a tricky one because I saw you sleep and I know how it looks, so I can't take anything below that.”

“You want me to look asleep?” Hyungwon replied and for the first time felt genuinely challenged. His eyes opened and he lifted his head from the bed, stretching out his legs to give them some more room for movement. It wouldn't be the first time that he was being photographed on top of a bed, eyes closed and expression peaceful, but he had never been asleep for these pictures. To be honest, Hyungwon wasn't even particularly sure what he looked like when he was really asleep.

_Your face is probably ridiculously puffy and your mouth is open._

Grimacing at the thought, he got up from the floor and climbed on top of the bed. It was still as soft as he remembered and he grabbed and released a fistful of the blanket absentmindedly.

“Do you want me to lie down the way I normally do or in a particular way you find appealing?”

“I don't care. I only want you to sleep. For real.” The black-haired photographer sat on the floor in the middle of the set and stopped paying attention to him. “Feel free, I'll wait.”

_What?_

“But I struggle to fall asleep,” Hyungwon muttered and couldn't believe that the guy actually wanted him to fall asleep, to curl up, probably hiding his face and drool on the fucking pillow. There was nothing aesthetic about a real person asleep, nothing at all.

_Maybe he wants to humiliate you and that's the most effective way he could think of._

“I know, you thought and talked about it, that's why I'm preparing myself to wait and also sent out all the people, but I can't go out because somebody has to be here to make sure that you're asleep. Please don't mind me, I'll sort the pictures.” Smiling, Hoseok Lee let his gaze travel from his face to his upper body and his legs before returning to the camera.

Hyungwon stared, dumbfounded that he was supposed to fall asleep, in the middle of a studio in the morning. Although he wasn't sure whether it was still morning. He had no feeling for how much time had passed and how many pictures the other man had taken of him.

_It must have been shitloads with the constant shutter noise. How are you supposed to fall asleep while he chills out next to you?_

“Maybe you should offer your thigh and shoulder, it was easier then,” he commented sarcastically and remembered how easily he had fallen asleep after struggling throughout the night. It hadn't even been particularly comfortable, but back when the other man had still been Mr. Strawberry his shoulder and thigh were better than squeezing himself into the tiny seat.

The muscular man got up and fixed his shirt that slipped down one shoulder. The action revealed a particularly aesthetic collarbone and Hyungwon followed the beautiful shape until the photographer suddenly lay down on the bed.

“But I will have to get up to take pictures; you aren't a very light sleeper, right? At least you didn't move when I tried to wake you up on the plane. But I'll be careful.” Nodding at him and shifting closer, the crazy photographer looked at him, awaiting some kind of action.

_Does he actually expect you to wrap around him and sleep?_

It sounded ridiculous to him. Hyungwon didn't even wrap around men he slept with, why would he wrap around somebody he neither knew properly nor liked. He doubted that a single instance of falling asleep on the black-haired man's shoulder was a sign.

_But what else are you supposed to do? Insulting him won't make you tired._

Chewing on his cheek, he shifted and carefully closed his fingers around the other man's upper arm. The warmth and firmness surprised him, but he didn't let it, conjuring calm and peacefulness over his features. He was supposed to sleep after all.

_Why does he keep making you do things you never do? You don't even touch the people you like much, why him?_

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip to chase away his thoughts and slipped closer, resting his head on the warm shoulder. It wasn't really comfortable, but he still tried to stop thinking and fade into dreamless sleep.

_But it's not working._

He opened his eyes again and observed the way the photographer’s muscular chest rose in front of his eyes before lowering with the next exhale.

_His shoulder isn't comfortable, but his chest might be._

Licking over his lips briefly, he moved even closer and rested his head on the other man’s muscular chest, lifting up a little with each breath. It felt nice, even if he wouldn't have admitted it out loud. His fingers travelled over the cool sheets until they reached the photographer’s middle and he rested his hand on top of the other man's abdomen, feeling his heartbeat and breaths.

Hoseok stayed in place and only the way the cotton blanket covered him hinted at the fact that the other man was awake and listening to his exhales.

It felt calming even though Hyungwon wouldn't have expected it. His eyes roamed over the other man's body for a few moments until he finally closed them and listened to the soft exhales instead, accompanied by the rustling of the sheets when he shifted his legs and slipped the left one over the other man's thighs.

He still couldn't believe that he was doing this, but with his eyes closed, a warm body under his and regular breaths in his ear, Hyungwon was almost able to imagine that he was somewhere else, lying on top of somebody he wanted to be with instead of the photographer who kept hurting his feelings.

Almost.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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After searching for a compromise, Hoseok had finally found it. A compromise between his personal dislike towards the black-haired model and the fact that he had made a mistake by declining the shooting. His fault was obvious after he had visited Hyungwon in his room and saw it, the desperation and a whirlwind of hurt, anger and loneliness mixed with the feeling of injustice.

_He didn't want you to see._

But people were hypocrites, they wanted him to take a picture that looked special without having to show him a special something that he could capture. He wasn't a magician, a photo can only capture something that's there.

_It’s there._

A lot of people thought that he was cruel, mean, an asshole, a selfish bastard, rude and socially incompetent. Whatever. He was a photographer, his job was capturing a moment in time, a moment that showed something, was meaningful, filled, deep, raw, vulnerable. His job did not entail being nice to others only because he attempted to achieve a better status or to fuck someone. It wasn’t his style. His style was straightforwardness, because it was the easiest. For him.

_You want to take pictures of him because there is definitely something inside, something you can pull out to the surface and capture with the camera._

He had been absolutely straightforward and pragmatic about it. Knowing that he wouldn’t be able to work with the black-haired snake, if he didn’t find at least one thing that he liked about him, he searched and finally found it. It happened around 5 a.m. while he sat at his desk in his hotel room and drew some weird shit that turned out to be a bed. He liked Hyungwon when he slept.

_His expression was soft but vulnerable and so perfect that you took a picture._

It was a little tricky to get a bed and new but washed sheets that were comfy and didn't only look nice for decoration. It turned a little chaotic after he told the crew about his plan changes and asked Marc to take the dude who he couldn’t look at without shuddering. In the end, it was worth it. At least he hoped so.

_If he complies._

Hyungwon was angry at him but it was okay as long as it didn’t disturb the shoot. Regarding the new clothes, Hoseok was surprised at how perfect the light blue oversized shirt looked on Hyungwon, even better than he imagined it to be.

The memory card was filled in a matter of two hours and there was only one part left. The most important one. He wanted Hyungwon to sleep. Just like he had on the plane, to lose himself and lose consciousness disappear in the loneliness of the waves. Hoseok wanted to capture it because he had seen it and it left an impression.

_Plus, it’s the only thing you liked. Apart from the whirlwind, but he would have slapped you, if you asked him to show it again. He was excessively invested, looking at you right from the middle of it._

Hoseok definitely hadn’t thought that he would end up on top of the bed with the long body wrapped around him, but here he was, holding a finger under Hyungwon’s nose. It was a little difficult to tell but the regular breaths and the way the other man’s limbs curled around him loosely made it seem as if Hyungwon slept.

_Have fun crawling out of this grip._

Carefully, he curled his fingers around the other man’s slim wrist and lifted it from his stomach, moving his body to the side and holding the bony knee with the other hand to lift it from his thighs. After what seemed like ten minutes, he was free and shuddered a little, feeling cold after being enveloped by warmth for a time he couldn’t estimate.

_The pictures, Hoseok._

Right. He immediately got his camera, but watched the sleeping beauty first. It was really nice, the way Hyungwon’s features softened and lost their pretense, their careful arrangement and mimics. Hoseok loved it, the other man’s face looked as if he was soaring and it gave him a feeling of levity just from watching. But a job was a job, so he walked over and fixed the shirt that rode up and a few strands of the black hair, freeing one ear that he considered especially pretty with how weirdly it was curled and pulling the blanket down a little bit.

_Perfect._

He smiled and took pictures, a lot of them, while being sure that most of them were usable. It didn’t happen often, but he was always incredibly content when his concept and the model fit so well that the pictures turned out perfect. The way he wanted them to, capturing what he wanted to show.

_And now?_

Now he was done, but the black-haired man was sleeping, lips slightly parted and long fingers fisting the blanket. He liked the sight, so he took another picture, before leaving the camera on the bed and walking out.

The staff were talking and preparing for Marc’s photoshoot. Not that Hoseok cared; he only had one request, so he found the art director and pointed at the set.

“I don’t want anyone to go in there until I come out,” he commented, making sure that Hyungwon could sleep as much as he liked. “We are doing a special issue and I want to take a picture when he wakes up, but he has to wake up by himself, so don’t let anyone in.” The tall woman nodded in understanding and left, spreading the message. He really liked her understanding and professionalism.

Hoseok returned, sorting the photos in the preview and clicking through the insane amount of material, while his glances wandered from the camera to the figure on the bed. Hyungwon didn’t seem that peaceful by himself, so he lay on the bed next to him and hoped that the presence of his body made the other man feel at ease, however that worked.

Reaching for the blanket, Hoseok covered the long body, before touching the tip of the round nose to make sure that Hyungwon wasn’t cold, a life hack.

_He seems cold, but you can’t do much apart from the blanket, can you?_

Suddenly the black hair moved and Hyungwon jerked, shaking a little. It must’ve been a nightmare, Hoseok knew those, not from himself, but he knew how it looked when someone was suffering from one, so he crawled closer and curled his arms around the slim body, pulling the shaking guy into his embrace. Personal preferences and affection were the one thing, but nightmares sucked.

_But what about your picture?_

He hesitated for a moment, he really did, but in the end, there was the sensation of Hyungwon’s rapid breaths against his neck and suddenly there wasn’t much he thought about, wrapping his arms tightly around him and simply breathing.

The slim body jerked a few times in his hold, enough to have the cold nose brush over his neck repeatedly. Hyungwon was sleeping deeply, not waking up as the nightmare must have continued and the other man's arms wrapped around him in a desperate motion, holding on tightly. The seconds ticked by but the model didn't let go, even when the frequent breaths calmed down and the weightless body stopped shaking.

_What are you doing, Hoseok?_

He was unsure whether hugging his models through nightmares was a part of his job description, but for him it seemed natural in that kind of situation, so he simply went with the flow. Sure, he would have liked to do something proper in the meantime, but the bed was super comfortable and Hyungwon still held onto him, just like his arms were wrapped around his clothed back. Regular breaths were hitting his skin, reminding him of the dampened sound of a shutter as he closed his eyes and listened until there was nothing.

***

His body felt surprisingly light as his senses began to return to him one by one, first the sensation of warmth that he wanted to keep forever, then the sound of air leaving lungs and bed sheets rustling. Hyungwon attempted to turn to the side, but failed to do so because of a mass of warmth that seemed to surround him.

Humming lowly, Hyungwon refused to open his eyes yet and inhaled instead. The air was a little sweet and resembled perfume, not a scent he expected hotel sheets to have.

_Are you not in the hotel?_

His mind was still a little bit clouded and he struggled to come up with the hotel he was supposed to be at in the first place until his fingers brushed over something unexpectedly warm and he jerked away.

_You're not alone._

Another second was sufficient to remember. Hyungwon opened his eyes widely and shifted enough to create distance between himself and the man lying next to him.

The pitch-black hair was spread all over the white pillow, creating a mind-blowing contrast. The photographer who told him to sleep was lying next to him; fingers reached out towards him and curved lips slightly parted and releasing soft exhales. He looked peaceful and soft, curled up around the blanket.

_He wanted you to sleep, but ended up sleeping himself._

Hyungwon stared, disbelieving that he had not only fallen asleep for real, but that the man who wanted him to had done the same, curling up and dreaming peacefully next to him.

_Seeing him like this one might even think he's not a jerk._

He leaned in to examine the form of the photographer’s lips. They looked a little different, curved on the top like a child that attempted to draw a bird by drawing two curved bows. The sight conjured a smile on his face and Hyungwon resisted the urge to follow the outline of the other man's mouth with his index finger. There was no point to it and he shouldn't be acting on pointless whims.

Sitting up properly, he examined the way Hoseok Lee held onto the blanket and the way his muscular chest rose and fell regularly. He wasn't dreaming, but it couldn't have been deep sleep either.

_He looks like he's smiling even though he's not._

Biting down on his bottom lip, Hyungwon lay down and kept himself from breathing, just in case of morning breath. He wanted to see the photographer’s face up close, to find something that he could capture with his eyes and keep for himself. He wanted to fill what had been stolen from him with a piece of the black-haired man, replace the emptiness with a chunk of intimacy.

_He's vulnerable like this, unaware of what's happening around him._

He was still chewing on his lips out of habit when one of the small eyes suddenly opened and fixated on his face, staring at him across the few centimeters between them.

_Fuck, you're too close._

Hyungwon's eyes widened, but he didn't move back because he knew that he would have looked scared. He wasn't scared, only curious to find something to keep as a token.

“Why would I dream about you, this is weird,” Hoseok muttered and closed his eye again, snuggling and rubbing his cheek against his shoulder as if he was a blanket or a pillow.

_He thinks that he's dreaming?_

“Because I must have left an impression,” Hyungwon replied, voice still low from sleeping. He didn't move and remained close, watching carefully. Only his breaths were irregular because he probably had bad breath and didn't want the other man to know.

“You mean at Starbucks? I only like the depth, it’s intriguing,” the black-haired man muttered into his neck as he slipped closer, inhaling deeply and releasing a low hum right after.

Starbucks? They hadn't met at Starbucks. Hyungwon couldn't even remember the last time he had been to Starbucks with how hectic the whole thing was. In Paris maybe, right before the flight to Madrid.

_But you didn't meet him there._

“You probably dreamt that,” he replied and wondered how anybody could want to sleep on his shoulder. It wasn't particularly soft or anything.

“I dreamt meeting you? What kind of nightmare was that?” Hoseok chuckled and leaned back. The round eyes watched him for a few seconds before widening comically. The muscular man sat up and stared, expression turning into breathtaking sadness. “I didn’t dream it, but I also didn’t get my picture. Oh no.”

_Now he's awake, but he sounds like he really saw you in that Starbucks._

Suddenly Hyungwon felt curious, curious to know what it was that Hoseok Lee had seen back then.

“You fell asleep too,” he stated and looked around the empty studio. “How much time passed? And why did nobody come in?”

“I told them to stay out,” the black-haired man murmured and looked at his watch before his eyes widened again and he lifted both hands to his hair, creating a giant mess out of it while groaning loudly. Hyungwon really struggled with the sight and resisted reaching out to fix it. “Damn it. I really wanted that picture, but you didn’t look as if you had a good sleep, so I stayed and fell asleep. It’s 11 p.m., damn it.”

_You didn't look like you slept well._

Hyungwon tilted his head in question until he remembered the vague remnants of a nightmare. It was frustrating when certain experiences had become meaningless over time, but dreams were still able to pull them to the surface in all their horrendous glory.

_Wait, it's 11 o’clock._

“Shit, I slept most of the day. I'll look like shit tomorrow. I probably look like shit now.” He reached for his face and groaned at the soft puffiness of his cheeks. He hated it, he hated it so much. There was no way that he could still take any decent pictures and he wouldn't be able to fall asleep at night either, not exhausted enough. “God, your hair.”

He gave in and reached out to fix the black strands, arranging them decently around the other man's head instead of the bird nest that he encountered.

“I don’t give a shit about my hair, but I want that picture. On a scale from ‘You’re crazy, but I trust you’ to ‘No fucking way, you bastard’, how likely is it that you would let me take a pic of you while you wake up tomorrow?” Hoseok was watching the movements of his hands, gaze intense and reminding him of the way the photographer had looked at him before forcing his vulnerability to show.

_What?_

“I will look like shit,” Hyungwon commented even before he had the time to consider the proposal. The gaze brought a wave of fury and frustration that washed over him right after. He didn't wear any makeup while he slept and his face was always swollen when he woke up. Hadn't the other man seen enough of him already? Why did he want to see all those things?

_He's supposed to show perfection, but he only uncovers your insecurities._

“Let’s be pragmatic about this, you’re definitely biased because you only see yourself in the mirror, comparing and immediately judging your outer appearance based on some kind of internal picture you have that you consider ‘pretty’ or whatever. I have seen you asleep because you have no manners and simply wrapped around me on the plane and I saw you waking up. I’ll be honest with you, I really want to capture it, the second you wake up, before all your thoughts start and you begin doing all those unnecessary things like slapping yourself or whatnot. That was the reason for telling you to sleep on set. Sure, I have a lot of beautiful pictures of you sleeping, I think about 50 or 60, but I want the waking up one. A lot.” Tilting his head, Hoseok Lee stared at him without blinking. “I like how you look when you’re asleep. Maybe I should’ve taken you along to the suite.”

Hyungwon simply stared at the photographer and his messy hair in addition to the pillow mark on his right cheek. It looked a little stupid and didn't fit to the reasonable words that were coming out of the other man's mouth.

Reasonable apart from the fact that Hoseok Lee liked the way he looked when he was asleep and actually wanted to come to his hotel room to take pictures of it. He could understand pictures of sleeping, maybe, but waking up? That was plain weird.

“You want to release those, don't you?” Hyungwon asked, almost shuddering at the thought that his puffy sleep face was going to appear in a magazine. It wasn't what he wanted people to see, not at all.

_In addition, you wouldn't have come along to the suite if you knew that he was going to take pictures of you without your permission._

“Uh, it’s a little complicated because I can only release the pictures I took at the set or with the consent of the model, so you would have to give your consent for me to release it along with the others. To be honest, I don’t care whether I am allowed to put it into the magazine or not, I just want it.” Suddenly the black-haired man leaned over and stretched out his index finger, pointing at his chest and tilting his head. “You are intrigued, aren’t you? But you also should be because I’m the only one who is able to capture this specific moment. You can’t and other photographers are usually not interested in stuff like this.”

_He's trying to convince you to do it by saying that it's special._

Hyungwon grinned, suddenly relieved that the roles had changed and he wasn't the only one who wanted something anymore.

“But my sleepy face is usually something that I try not to think about, so why would I want a picture of it? Why do you want a picture of it? I don't understand, Mr. Photographer. What does it give you?” He leaned back on his arms and examined the pillow mark. It had begun to fade and Hyungwon already missed it a little. It made the black-haired man look less intimidating and especially less influential.

Crossing his legs on top of the bed, the muscular man brushed his hair back and stared at him, gaze turning to the mixture of intimidation and intensity. It didn’t stay on one spot, but travelled instead, over his features, his neck and shoulders, touching his hair and sliding along the shell of his ear. It was weird.

“Because it’s important to see your own vulnerability from a third person perspective. It makes you stronger. Knowing it, you won’t have to stare at me from the middle of your emotional turmoil like you did in the hotel room yesterday, but… ,” Hoseok hesitated for a second, “... whatever. Our session is over as I promised and you are free to do whatever you like. I will be able to make a nice pictorial out of the material I already have. Thank you for that, I was suffering a lot taking pictures yesterday, but it was easy today.” The photographer nodded and got up from the bed. After a few seconds of hesitation, Hoseok took his camera and started disassembling the equipment before arranging it in the black camera bag.

Hyungwon observed him as the discomfort kept increasing, starting at the tips of his fingers and moving on to the center of his body. He didn't like the way it felt, because it reminded him of regret, of the sensation of rejecting an opportunity only to know that he shouldn't have. There was a spark of anger, simply because he knew that the photographer’s influence and convincing played into it. Hyungwon knew it wasn't all his, it was Hoseok Lee telling him that he could capture something special, something that would remain between them, like a secret.

_A glance into what another person sees without having to reveal it to anybody else._

The other man did it for himself, because he wanted to see and capture it. Hyungwon knew that, but still there was his own curiosity to deal with. He liked the current concept and Hoseok's way of taking pictures, even if he hadn't admitted to it yet.

_You might regret it if you say yes, he hurt you before by pulling out your insecurities._

But then again he could also regret not experiencing it, staying with his own picture of his face and the pressure of keeping it perfect at all times. Maybe it was even safer to show it to somebody who didn't matter, a person that had nothing to do with his life and was going to leave it as quickly as he entered.

Stretching out his legs, he crawled to the corner of the bed and sat up; observing the way the photographer closed the zipper on his camera bag.

“Fine,” he said and bit down on his bottom lip, anticipating the reply.

***

As so often, he struggled. Struggled to explain to others why certain moments were worth being caught on camera whereas others weren’t. The pure sincerity of the moment during which the consciousness and unconsciousness mingled into each other was so important and so rare, that Hoseok kept regretting not taking the picture, even though he didn’t regret hugging the model in his sleep.

_He is self-conscious and he doesn’t like you._

What role affection played in the whole thing wasn’t clear to him until he remembered that he declined the model because of his annoyance.

_Yeah. That._

If Hoseok wasn’t Hoseok he could’ve been nice, told the black-haired Barbie doll that he was pretty and his makeup was on point, he would’ve fucked him and had taken a picture, but it wasn’t his style, so he talked about insecurities instead. He talked about art and how capturing a certain unconscious moment was incredibly important to understand yourself, especially at a point where your brain couldn’t or didn’t have access. Photography could do that and he was in love with it because of that.

_However, people don’t understand. That is why you hugged and slept and now you will go back to your hotel, pick the photos for the pictorial and fly home tomorrow morning._

He sighed and put the huge objective into the provided case, before concentrating on the rest. The low voice murmuring a brief ‘fine’ caught him off guard while he put the tripod away.

_Fine? What’s fine?_

He ignored it, thinking that Hyungwon was talking to himself, before his eyes widened and the realization that the other man agreed to take the picture hit him out of nowhere. Hoseok was still somewhat sleepy.

_She always tells you that you look like a confused bunny right after you wake up._

“You will let me take the picture?” He turned around and froze in the middle of a movement, simply staring at the black-haired model who chewed on his lip, probably because it was huge and nice to nibble on.

“Yeah,” the other man replied softly and lifted his gaze, butt safely placed on the edge of the bed while his hands held onto the sheets.

“Thank you,” he said and smiled while his mind was busy coming up with a pragmatic solution to be able to take the picture while creating as little fuss as possible, catching his plane at 10 a.m. and preferably without being a huge bother. “My room or your room?” he asked after checking the possible scenarios. It was unlikely that Hyungwon would be able to sleep now after sleeping on set, so the hotel room was the best possible solution without interfering with both of their schedules.

“Your room,” the model replied immediately and brushed through his black hair. The gesture seemed subconscious because it didn't change anything about the way his hair looked, still styled despite sleeping and rubbing his head against the pillow and his chest. There was a hint of surprise on the other man's face, probably because he hadn't expected Hoseok to be thankful.

“Awesome. Then come over when you’re sleepy.” Hoseok smiled one last time before returning his attention to the task, namely putting all his equipment into one suitcase without losing anything. “My room number is 889.”

_You’ll get your picture and then you both can part ways without having ill feelings._

The thought made him feel calm and satisfied, so that he worked with a hint of a smile on his face until everything was done and he waved at the shy looking model and left.

_

It was almost 2 a.m. by the time he had looked most of the photos for the pictorial, arranging them next to each other and trying to choose which ones to pick. His first feeling had been right, the shooting was a success, especially with the pictures of the black hair spread over the pillow and the model’s sleeping face. It looked soft, almost childish, but Hoseok liked it because it created such a dissonance with the sneaky, bitchy attitude Hyungwon showed as long as he wasn’t in front of the camera.

A smile spread his lips and he couldn’t contain the excitement at the prospect of getting the picture he had wanted since the model slept on his shoulder. The best.

_You could show her. That would be a really pretty picture to share._

Leaning forward, Hoseok narrowed his gaze, watching the stains of makeup on the model’s face and sighing in resignation. His pictures weren’t about perfection. They never were.

_Because it doesn’t exist._

Suddenly there was a knock and he got up quickly, pulling the belt of his white bathrobe tighter around his waist. His hair was still wet from the shower, but Hyungwon didn’t come to see him, so it didn’t matter.

_It also doesn’t matter if he came to see you._

Right.

Exhaling sharply, he pulled his lips into his mouth and released them before opening the door. He smiled and his gaze met the other man’s coffee eyes, jumping to the bottle of wine that Hyungwon held in his right hand. After an additional glance at the other man’s face, Hoseok realized that Hyungwon wasn’t wearing makeup, which was marvelous and made his smile turn extra bright. The model was wearing a bathrobe too, tightly wrapped around his slim body and a pair of those typical white slippers provided by the hotel. The other man's hair wasn't wet, but it must have been blow-dried after a shower judging by the fluffiness. The pink color on Hyungwon's cheeks told him the same story.

“You look fluffy, come in.” He left the door open and walked back into the room, sitting down on his chair and continuing his previous task.

The model sighed and walked towards him, one hand resting on his shoulder as the tall man leaned on it and bent over to see what he was doing on his laptop screen.

“Are you choosing the pictures?” Hyungwon pointed at the photo on the right. It was him when he threw his head back against the bed while sitting on the floor. “I like this one.”

“Yeah, it’s a nice one. Almost all of them are nice, especially the ones where you’re asleep.” Hoseok didn’t pay much attention to the additional weight, simply because it wasn’t much and because it didn’t disturb him in fulfilling his task. After scrolling through a few more shots, Hoseok pointed at the bottle and lifted his gaze to the model’s face. “I see you brought medicine.”

“Impressive how quickly you see through it,” Hyungwon remarked with a grin.

“I am attentive and I like observing others, it’s a part of my job and amongst others also a reason why I don’t like to talk. You can’t observe when you talk.” Hoseok pointed at the mini bar with the two wine glasses on top, expecting the other man to understand what he meant and serve himself.

_You do talk, but only in intimate situations._

The model let out a low hum, stepped back to get a wine glass from the minibar, and opened the bottle he had brought. “I might share if you ask nicely. It's a good one.”

“You like to be asked for things, don't you? I'll accept it if you share,” he replied, unwilling to comply and grinned, picking another picture where the other man's cheek looked like a cream bun. Choux, to be exact. Hoseok didn't mean to take it for the pictorial but he loved how soft it looked.

“That's a weird picture,” the black-haired man remarked and poured two glasses as if Hoseok hadn't said anything in the first place. “Do you enjoy red wine? I remember it being strawberry Gin last time.”

_Do you?_

“Don't know, I never thought about it, I always have a feeling of what I want to drink at a specific moment. I don't think I'm able to generalize it like this. I figured that you do, or at least you self-medicate with it.” Sucking in the scent of the brought wine, Hoseok pointed at the picture. “I love it. Your cheek looks like a cream bun, but don't worry; it's not for the pictorial.”

“Thank god, you have rather exquisite… taste.” Again, the model lifted an eyebrow and took a sip of his wine before placing Hoseok's glass in front of him. “A cream bun, really? An éclair or what? Is this your way of saying you want to bite it?” Chuckling, the black-haired man leaned against the desk.

Hoseok thought about the other man's words and considered whether he wanted to bite the other man's cheek. It looked nice, but he didn't want to hurt it.

“Not an éclair, a bun, a round one, Choux a la Crème, you know?” He couldn't believe the model didn't know the difference between an éclair and a cream bun. “And no, I don't want to bite it, your neck looks more bitable to be honest.” Humming to agree with himself and remembering how he thought about biting Hyungwon's neck while they sat in the lounge in the hotel bar in Madrid, Hoseok took his glass and took a sip, closing his eyes to remove the input.

“Fascinating,” the other man commented, but it sounded a little deadpan, as if he couldn't believe Hoseok's elaborations on buns. “I can eat neither, so I'm unfortunately not very familiar with French desserts. My bad.” Hoseok heard the soft scratching of slippers over the floor until the sheets shifted. Hyungwon must have sat down on top of the bed.

“I guess not eating cream buns is the reason for your attitude. You're tired, right? I'll stop talking so you can sleep,” he commented and took another sip, ruffling up his wet hair and leaning against the backrest of his chair. He considered moving to the bed and reading something.

“Don't you plan on joining?” the model asked, voice a little lower than it had been before. “I came to become tired, I have brought everything I need.” A glance towards the other man revealed him sitting on the bed, legs crossed and bathrobe revealing most of his thighs. Hyungwon was sipping his wine and observing him.

Hoseok's gaze stayed on the naked skin for a few moments longer, before he focused on the model's face again.

“I'm unsure because I have to take the picture, but I will if you need to wrap around something to be able to fall asleep. I managed to escape last time without waking you up, so I'm positive about it.” He smiled and left his head in the same position, resting on the back of the chair and gaze focused on Hyungwon.

“I always sleep alone, so I'm not sure why wrapping around you was effective twice. Maybe it's the novelty.” Shrugging, the black-haired man emptied his glass. He was fast.

“It's the lack of expectations,” Hoseok commented immediately. “I don't have any towards you, so you don't have to think and adjust your behavior, it's calming.” Lifting his index finger, he pointed at the bottle lazily. “I would offer you more of your medicine, but I'm too lazy to get up.”

“Same,” the other man replied and laughed, teeth showing and cheeks lifting up. The sound was nice too, pleasantly low. Of course his arm jerked, ready to grab the camera that was still connected to the laptop, but the expression disappeared faster than he was able to react. The situation reminded him of a friend that told him that it's hard to take pictures of animals, because they simply don't care and one had to put a lot of effort for a good snapshot.

_He's like a shy antelope with a tiger attitude._

“You're fast,” Hoseok chuckled and placed his hand back on top of his thigh that was partially covered by the bathrobe.

“Huh?” Hyungwon lifted an eyebrow and placed his empty wine glass on the floor before falling back on his elbows. “Are you accusing me of drinking too fast? It's my only sugary pleasure.”

“Not your drinking habits, they're meaningless. I meant the speed at which you hide your expressions when it gets interesting. I'm a little greedy, even though I promised to only take the waking-up picture.” He smiled brightly and pointed at his lips before relaxing and returning to his previous neutrality. “Like this.”

The other man chuckled again.

“You shouldn't be taking pictures of models if that is what you want.” Sighing again, the tall man lifted his body from the mattress and grabbed his glass before refilling it at the desk. “Neutrality is what they usually want for magazines, looking hot and mysterious, untouchable even.”

_They want it because they don’t know anything about art or want the model to be a clothes hanger instead of a living person._

“I don't care about models and I don't give a shit about their neutrality either, I only work with them if they have something I find interesting. The magazines know, the models know, the art directors know, so usually nobody gets hurt.” Hoseok abandoned his position and poured some wine into his glass. It was good enough to go for a second round.

“So you mean nobody had a problem with you ditching the whole concept, giving the magazine a different photographer for the main section, only to switch everything the next day?” Hoseok didn't need to see the lifted eyebrow to know it was there. The black-haired man smiled again and clinked their glasses together. “On never having to deal with each other again?”

“Problems only arise when there are two sides with contradictory motives involved. The magazine doesn't like my approach. Fine. Get someone else. I'm not doing it for fame. And no, I'm not as eager as you to not see each other again. I have no emotions towards this, I was annoyed before, now it's just nothing, so even if we see each other again, so be it.” Smiling he let his glass touch the other man's briefly.

“Interesting, I was pretty convinced you hated my guts after cancelling the shoot only because I poured espresso over you and slept on your shoulder. Especially after coming to my hotel room and making me feel the way you did.” Hyungwon's tone changed, turning low and much rougher even though the other man didn't elaborate. The second glass of wine disappeared as quickly as the first.

“I was the one who made you feel like that?” he asked, ignoring the first comment. “Are you sure about that?” His gaze narrowed and he put his glass on the desk, turning towards the man on the bed.

“Yes.” Hyungwon stared right back, eyes dark and focused as he carefully placed his empty wine glass on the floor and crossed his legs. The bathrobe slipped dangerously high up, but there was no sign of fabric below it. “You forced a genuine expression from me, even physically turning my face to see it.”

_He's not wearing anything? Did you give him any weird signs? You didn't, right?_

“Let's say I touched you with my gaze and you responded. There is nothing bad about it, I'm only a tiny bit concerned about taking a picture right after it happened, but otherwise, there was nothing bad or mean about it. It's mean to shove fake bullshit into other people's faces, but I'm not judging you for that, it's not my business, only an opinion.”

“It's mean to take something that people don't want to give, Hoseok.” It was the first time Hyungwon said his name, voice turning deeper on the last syllable. “People want to see perfection; most of them don't care what's behind it. Why do you?”

_This is getting complicated._

“God-” he exclaimed, rubbing his temples. He hated explaining. “Because it's literally the only thing I'm interested in, I don't care about anything else and I don't try to be close to anyone because my motives are clear and communicated accordingly. If I look at you, how is that taking something you don't want to give? You don't want to be looked at? Fine, then I'll watch the wall.” Exhaling sharply, he turned his head and started at the incredibly ugly picture that happened to hang right in his visual space. Hoseok hated it when he had to communicate with people privately because there were other rules and it took so much effort.

“How are you different from people that only want the fake image then? It's the same, you don't give a single shit about the person and the effect your actions have. You care about art, which is fine, but not in private.”

_There it is. You have to make it clear, Hoseok._

He shifted and turned the chair, so that he was able to face the black-haired man. His gaze focused on the coffee-colored eyes and he inhaled a long breath, making sure that he had Hyungwon's attention.

“The difference between me and the people who want fake is that I'm honest and my purpose is always clear, so… ” Sucking in another breath, he leaned closer. “If you are here to be cared about, then you should definitely leave, because the only thing I want is to capture, on film, the moment you open your eyes after deep sleep. That's it.”

“You think it's fine because you tell people that you don't care? How does it make it better?” The black-haired man inhaled sharply and sat up, leaning back on his hands and slowly uncrossing his legs.

“Because they have the opportunity to leave instead of getting pointlessly attached and accuse me of ruining their lives. You might hate me, but you'll also forget about it because I was simply ‘some asshole’. It would be different if I complimented you, pushed the buttons right where your insecurities are, and fucked you as a nice finish, just to leave with a pic or whatever. On the other hand I don't understand why we are talking about my way of dealing with people if you should be the one sleeping.” Hoseok tilted his head and kept looking at the other man's bare face. He looked so good without makeup. “Or is it one of your attempts to get back at me for hurting your pride?”

“It's my attempt to understand you,” Hyungwon whispered before standing up and placing his empty glass on the wooden surface. He didn't refill it this time, but left it on the desk as he walked back to the bed. The model’s long fingers loosened the belt of his bathrobe as he turned around and let the white cloth slip down his back, pooling at his feet and revealing his gorgeous naked body.

_Well fuck._

Hyungwon was beautiful and he knew it, Hoseok was sure, but he didn't understand why the model would come naked apart from a pretty obvious reason.

_You didn't give any hints. Maybe he's trying to make you desperate, only to ditch you right after? One of those sneaky games people like to play to feel better about themselves._

Sighing, Hoseok watched a little longer, before his curiosity overcame his lack of interest.

“Why are you naked?” he asked, gaze traveling over the long spine and Hyungwon's firm, small ass, curving beautifully from his lower back. It was perfect timing to look without having to explain the intensity of his gaze.

“Because I sleep naked,” the other man replied and lifted his right thigh to climb on top of the bed, not bothering to look back. He was gorgeous, starting from the broad shoulders and continuing over his slim waist to his luscious thighs.

_He might sleep naked, but he definitely doesn't put on this kind of show when he's alone._

The only thing left would be him reacting after all his monologues about not giving a shit.

“I see. Well then - feel free,” Hoseok replied and felt challenged. Standing up, he took off his bathrobe, remaining in tight black trunks and walked around the bed before laying on top of the blanket, one leg bent and back resting against the headboard. Sighing, he grabbed a book. Nietzsche was his best friend. There was no way he'd have a boner while reading Nietzsche.

_Your stomach looks nice like this._

It did, muscles flexed and soft light throwing shadows along the lines.

Hoseok could feel the other man's eyes on him, sliding over his body until a soft sigh followed and the gorgeous model shifted next to him. Hyungwon was lying down on his back, arms loosely placed on the pillow and eyes closed. He didn't bother to cover himself with the blanket yet as it only hid his feet and part of his left calf.

_This snake._

“You also need no blanket? Impressive,” Hoseok hissed, throwing his head back and starting to suffer from the sight next to him. The long legs, hairless elegant body, small, dark nipples, just as he liked it.

God was dead, but he wasn't and that was exactly the problem.

“I do, but the wine keeps me warm for now.” The gorgeous man smiled and shifted his legs a little, rubbing his thighs together as he opened his big eyes and looked at him. The way Hyungwon's flat chest lifted with each breath was beautiful. “But I really like being looked at.”

_He would feel so nice in your arms._

The gaze made him shift and rearrange the heavy book on top of his chest.

“Why?” he asked, catching the other man's look and staring right back. “I guess you get compliments often, but I didn't have the feeling that is what you were searching for. Not that I'm an expert, it's my weird gut feeling. You're nice to look at, but it's also exhausting.”

“I don't usually search for compliments, but when I do show myself I enjoy the attention.” Hyungwon was still smiling and rolled to the side, turning towards him. The black-haired man partially hid his face with his arms, unfortunately also hiding his smile in the process. “Why is it exhausting?”

“Because you're a snake,” he murmured and licked over his lips. “An attractive snake.”

“A snake?” The handsome model laughed and stretched out his tongue, moving it back and forth as if he was impersonating a snake. “I take the compliment though. You also look quite nice, you obviously work out.”

“There's nothing bad about being a snake. In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.” Hoseok cited Nietzsche and grinned. “You're giving me a headache. What is it that you want? Do you want me to look at you?” Turning to the side, Hoseok placed his head into his palm and stared.

“Yeah,” the gorgeous man replied and licked over his lips, meeting his gaze. His left leg was slightly bent and his perfectly straight and long penis was resting on his right thigh. “Also, I approve of you knowing your German philosophers.”

_Will he be able to sleep if you intimidate him?_

He couldn't find an answer to this question, but he also didn't want to. Instead, Hoseok narrowed his gaze and returned moisture to his lips, letting his eyes travel over Hyungwon's long legs, his thighs, stroking them with his gaze, staying a little longer between his legs before observing the lines on his lean stomach and the way his small nipples hardened under his gaze, almost as if he really brushed over them. Swallowing once, Hoseok continued over the other man's delicate neck, imagining his teeth grazing it and nibbling on the small earlobe right after. The lines of Hyungwon's face were blurred, like wool yarn, going from his round chin to his big, soft looking lips and up to the round nose and finally stopping at his eyes, coffee colored and staring at him. Of course.

_Just watch him run away after this._

He hummed, finishing with the perfectly done eyebrows and exhaled sharply, feeling his body tingle all over, betraying him immediately.

“Wow,” Hyungwon whispered as the silence stretched between them, filling the air with tension that surrounded them like thick fog. “Is this… how you look at people? You've done it before too.”

“I feel it when I look. I know it doesn't mean anything to you but it resembles touching with my gaze,” he whispered back and swallowed once again. “But you wanted to be looked at, so I did.”

“I-” The black-haired man licked over his lips again and held his gaze, pupils wider then they had been a moment ago. “I like it. It's genuine.”

_Wait, he likes it._

“You're indeed giving me a headache. Usually people consider it intimidating and creepy and I was expecting the same response.” Hoseok spoke quietly, feeling how the fact that the black-haired man reciprocated his gaze made his skin burn, making him feel hot and cold at the same time. A shudder travelled down his spine and he hissed, letting his eyes fall shut for a second.

“It feels like you touch me, even though you’re not. It might be the first time that I can tell it is me you are looking at.” The mattress shifted and he heard a soft exhale. “I can understand why some might think it is creepy, mostly because it is intense. It seems as if you remove every layer between your eyes and what you look at. But I like it.”

_He understands._

His eyes opened and focused on the coffee-brown orbs right next to him. Hyungwon came closer, meeting his gaze.

“It does feel like touching, but it's usually difficult to explain to someone. Aren't you tired?” he tried, breaths becoming faster and eyes almost begging him to look again.

“People are probably scared of you seeing something they don't want you to see. It's also your imagination, it must be endless.” Again, there was a brief smile as the other man chuckled. “There is adrenaline coursing through my veins, so I'm sure I'll be utterly exhausted in a bit.”

“But not because you're scared. You don't look scared.” The low whisper left his lips as he decided to watch more. Wetting his lips, Hoseok let his gaze slip down Hyungwon's chin and circle his elegant, long neck that transitioned into the soft shoulders and prominent collarbones that his gaze stayed on, sliding over the smooth skin repeatedly before going down and focusing on the nipples. The sensation was so real that he felt his fingers jerk.

_It's enough._

A deep inhale accompanied the tingling in his limbs while he lifted his gaze back to the big, brown eyes.

“I'm not scared,” Hyungwon replied quietly and Hoseok could see how his fist closed around the sheets, holding on tightly as if it was necessary. The gorgeous man's lips were parted and enabled the quick intakes of breath that lifted his lean chest. “I find myself wishing everybody would touch this way.”

“I guess you were right about the situation yesterday. I looked at you like this but you didn't want it, I'm sorry about that, but I'm not sorry about liking and capturing what I saw. I would do it again.” His speech was disturbed by the sudden need for oxygen every few seconds. His body reacted to the view and Hyungwon's response and the only thing he could do was to turn around and read Nietzsche.

Hoseok didn't. He looked instead.

“What did you see that was worth it all?” the low voice asked him as the eye contact stretched indefinitely. There were goosebumps on the other man's golden skin, but he didn't succumb to his gaze.

_Him and his loneliness._

“A lot. It's difficult for me to explain, I- I get stressed out if I have to explain my art to others because they struggle to understand. But I liked it, even though you didn't. You're-” he murmured and pointed at Hyungwon's body, “You're cold. Use the blanket.”

“I'm not sure it's the cold,” the model replied and brushed over his own shoulder and waist with his delicate fingers. “I wanted to hurt you yesterday. Remembering the way you made me feel still makes my blood boil.”

“Hurt me?” he asked, not removing his gaze and not moving his body, head still leaning on his hand. “Do you still want to hurt me? Now is the perfect opportunity, I don't think it'll come again.”

_You're curious._

“You want me to hurt you?” Hyungwon's expression was serious and his fist was trembling, breaths still frequent and rough.

_No. But you want to know what he'll do._

“Not really, but you said you want to, so feel free.” Hoseok was nuts, but more than that, he was curious. Pain wasn't relevant in terms of hurt because he considered it a normal response to life, what else could Hyungwon had done? Not given him the picture? It would have been sad, but not bad enough to hurt. “I think to be able to hurt me you need to get closer, but I won't let you.”

_You have no idea what he will do._

The eye contact stayed and only grew in its intensity as Hyungwon reached out and rested his hand on his shoulder. The touch was light, barely present at first until he slowly registered the pressure that he black-haired man applied gradually, almost enough to break his skin. The model exhaled slowly as he let his nails run over his arm, leaving angry red lines.

The feeling was intense, so he hissed softly, watching the expression on the other man's face and taking the burn that the scratches caused him.

_Tiger, huh?_

“Did it help?” he asked quietly, exhaling once and wondering about the insane amount of tension that surrounded them. It wasn't supposed to be like this and he doubted that it was only the sexual kind of tension. He knew how it felt and this wasn't it.

“Not yet,” Hyungwon replied and let his fingers travel along his elbow to his chest where he walked upwards with his index and middle finger until he reached a spot right below his collarbone. Applying pressure, the black-haired man repeated the same action, scratching over his chest as he watched his response. It hurt.

Suddenly there was a spark of anger that appeared out of nowhere that mixed with the sexual attraction and arousal, making him gasp and narrow his gaze.

_Why are you angry? You told him he could hurt you._

“And now?” he hissed, sucking in a long breath in an attempt to calm himself down. His wish to jump Hyungwon and stop him was overpowering.

“I'm getting there,” the other man whispered and slipped closer, hand travelling over his abdomen and clothed hips to his thigh. Inhaling softly, Hyungwon returned the same pressure and Hoseok could see the red lines appearing on his pale skin.

_Don't._

Using his gaze instead of his hands, Hoseok curled the second into fists and let his eyes roam over Hyungwon's naked body, easily imagining how he would throw him on his back and sit on top of him, clashing their lips together and tasting blood because it was fucking insane.

The thought forced a louder hiss past his lips and he curled his hand around the pillow tightly.

The other man's eyes met his and Hoseok could see clearly how they widened, as if Hyungwon could tell what was going on inside his mind, the motions he performed without using his body.

Stroking over his hip and stomach again, the black-haired man paused at his other thigh, caressing it with false tenderness until he scratched over it again, exhaling roughly in the process.

There was a groan and the pillow flew against the wall, as he bit down on his lip until he tasted blood. His gaze pierced the almost black eyes across from him as he imagined sinking his teeth into the long neck, the slim body moving under him like a snake, the loud moans and whimpers, he was going insane.

“Now I feel better,” Hyungwon whispered suddenly, breaking the silence that was only filled with their gasps. The black-haired man stroked over the lines he had created, following them with his fingers carefully until he pulled his hand back, finally breaking the contact.

His blood was boiling, just like his insides and his skin and he finally closed his eyes, deciding to shut out the sensations around him.

“Then sleep,” he hissed and slipped under the blanket, covering his head and hoping that there was no sound apart from the blood that kept rushing in his ears.

There was a brief chuckle and shuffling until the blanket lifted and the other man slipped under it, exhaling slowly and wrapping it around himself.

“Goodnight, Hoseok,” Hyungwon murmured and turned away, leaving him to his thoughts.

 _Fuck you,_ he thought and genuinely considered whether he wanted to have the picture.

***

There had been so much hesitation at first, hours of staring at the door to his own hotel room with thoughts of whether he actually wanted to leave it. Hyungwon had changed his mind more than five times during the hour that led up to him taking a thorough shower, covering his naked body with a white bathrobe and finally making his way to the hotel room of the photographer that desired to take a picture of him when he woke up.

It was too personal, all of it. Hyungwon hated showing more than he was comfortable with, revealing himself behind all the layers of makeup and gorgeous clothes. It felt safer to be covered up, to know that there was always a part of him that belonged to him alone and nobody else.

_But he wants to see everything._

What Hoseok Lee wanted him to show was personal, but the reason for wanting to see it was not. It wasn’t about him and Hyungwon could tell. It was only about the picture, about whatever it was that the photographer could see behind it all, but it wasn’t about him.

_It's not you, so no matter how you look, he is going to find what he is looking for._

That must have been the reason he decided to go after all, to show what he was confident in while still hiding the bits of himself that were his and his alone. The vulnerable side of him that Hoseok had captured against his will was going to stay hidden.

_That part will stay yours, even if you let him see everything else._

Their interactions were complex but distant; words were exchanged to fill the empty space, to avoid talking about what each of them was concerned with. It had been the photos for Hoseok and the reason for the photos for Hyungwon.

_You also want to know why he hurt you._

Hyungwon was a skillful liar. Lying was an ability that benefited him in the job and he had lied easily when he told the black-haired man about sleeping without clothes. It was a partial lie, he never did.

_Unless you have company._

There was something calming to the thought that his body had an effect on others, that he could change their perception of him through his body and the way he looked alone. It was empowering and gave him influence over what happened to him, even if he showed something vulnerable.

It was easy to see that he evoked the same response in the photographer, no matter how much the other man attempted to hide behind books and quotes. Hyungwon knew that the muscular man found him attractive and that he liked his body, it was clear as day.

_You didn’t expect the gaze though._

Hyungwon had been prepared to be undressed by the photographer’s eyes, to experience how affected the other man was by seeing him, but he had also been prepared to fight against being touched. There was no need to do that. There was also no need to protect his vulnerability because the black-haired man didn't attempt to rip it from him, he appreciated it instead, as strange as it was.

He struggled to describe how it felt when the other man really looked at him for the first time, cutting through all the layers between them and only observing the essence of what was there, the essence of him. It almost felt like a touch, like fingers that stroked along his legs instead of eyes that watched. Hyungwon preferred the gaze over any touch.

_Because he’s allowed to look as much as he desires, but he's not allowed to touch._

At first he had enjoyed the way the distance remained while the atmosphere changed, followed by his body reacting to the tension between them and the way the black eyes made him feel when they met his. It was intense and unlike any touch he ever had to endure. Hyungwon would have chosen the prickling sensation along his skin and the breath-taking eye contact any time had he been given the opportunity to choose.

The tension wasn’t only sexual and it also wasn’t aggressive, not until the other man reminded him of the pain and anger he had felt the day before, shattering a wine glass against the wall. Hyungwon remembered how much he had hated the black-haired man at that moment, how much he had wanted to hurt him, to shatter him instead of the delicate glass.

He hadn’t expected to hear an invitation to act according to his whims.

_However, you don't want to hurt him anymore, not really._

His mind had been in turmoil, struggling to find a way to act accordingly without changing the eye contact or breaking the tension between them. Hyungwon didn’t want to end the sensation between them by slapping the black-haired man. He wanted to keep the indirect intimacy, so he did.

His hands were careful at first, only to eventually leave bright red marks on the other man’s skin, first on his arm, then on his chest and finally on his thighs. Hyungwon liked the way the lines looked, vibrant against the pale tone of Hoseok skin. It felt empowering, thrilling even to be the one to leave a mark, to create something lasting. The feeling only intensified when he met the look in Hoseok’s eyes, the sudden anger that developed and filled the air with even more tension. He barely contained himself from closing the distance on his own, to wrap his arms around the muscular neck.

_You never want to be overpowered, so what's different now?_

Hyungwon could feel it, almost taste how much the black-haired man wanted to move, to overpower him and stop him from hurting him further, but he didn’t.

_He only watches you instead, trembling from the desire to act and take you._

He couldn’t tell what stopped him in the end, the adrenaline in his veins, the frequency of his breaths or the way the black-haired man closed his eyes and groaned. Hyungwon pulled his hands back after caressing the product of his scratches and lied.

_You told him that it makes you feel better, but it doesn't. The hurt is still there, eating you from the inside even if you make him angry._

Hyungwon didn't cover the other man's skin in red lines to extinguish the hurt or to hurt the man in front of him. He had done it to leave a mark and fuel the tension, to know that he has seen something precious while escalating whatever was happening between them.

_You're acting on your curiosity, just the way he did._

His hands felt hot against the cold sheets when he slipped under the blanket, joining Hoseok who had hidden himself by pulling the warm cloth all the way over his head.

_Did you go too far?_

Hyungwon couldn’t tell, he only knew that he didn’t regret it, just like he didn’t regret coming to the hotel room in the end.

_Now you only need to find out what it is that he can see._

For the first time Hyungwon was convinced that Hoseok had seen him, the essence of what was behind the makeup and his brown eyes. Hoseok had the ability to see behind it without judgement and Hyungwon had the ability to get to the core of the other man, push through his defenses.

_He might have taken something from you, but you took something in return, even if it wasn’t your intention._

_

The seconds passed as awareness returned to him bit by bit, making the transition from sleep to wakefulness and the delicate sensation of soft sheets around his naked body.

Hyungwon was already aware enough to know that he couldn't be alone. The soft fabric against his naked legs and behind was a proof of that. He was instantly aware of his position, of the way his legs were arranged, whether his body looked good from all sides and how to hide the puffiness of his face in the best way.

_You always need to look perfect when you have company._

The process was thorough but quick inside his head and only when he felt satisfied did he sigh and open his eyes, meeting a familiar hotel room. One that wasn't his.

_He wanted to take a picture of you when you wake up._

He instantly sat up and looked around, worried about what it was that Hoseok had captured. Hyungwon was curious how he would feel about the sight, whether it was him or a part of him he wanted to abandon. Glancing over the furniture in the room, he couldn't help his surprise that there was nobody next to him. The bed only harbored his naked body and the other side of the blanket was cold, as if nobody had even bothered to lie on it.

_But he did, you remember it clearly._

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip and wondered if the photographer had gone to the bathroom, missing the moment that he had been interested in the most. However, that thought was abandoned as quickly as it arrived as his eyes scanned the room.

The two wine glasses from the night before were still standing on the counter, but those were also the only foreign objects left in the hotel room. The laptop was gone and so was the sleek black case the black-haired man had travelled with. None of his clothes littered the spacious room and there were no personal items on the small table in the middle or on the nightstand.

_He left, without taking the picture._

The realization surprised Hyungwon even if he couldn't quite tell why. It was only a picture, so the other man could have easily changed his mind and left earlier, especially if Hyungwon was taking too long to wake up.

_But he cared so much, it was the one thing he really wanted to see._

The other man had explained why it mattered to him, why he was interested in a photo of Hyungwon waking up. It had been important enough to ask for it, to have Hyungwon at his hotel room at night to fall asleep and experience him waking up.

_He must have changed his mind after what happened._

Hoseok had been on the edge, breathing heavily and barely holding himself back, but the response had only fueled the tension between them. What had happened to transform the tension into a desire to escape? Hyungwon couldn't tell. The photographer must have suffered from his previous decision to allow Hyungwon to provoke him and to bear the touch while the tension between them stayed.

_You must have gone too far._

Even if Hyungwon had wanted to reach out too, the way that he stretched the seconds between them and provoked the other man must have been too much.

A single thought remained that forced a cold shudder to travel down his back, causing goosebumps to spread along his skin. If the other man had changed his mind and didn't want to take the picture any more, to capture the essence he had seen and wanted to catch, then there could only be one reason for it.

_He looked inside you, but he didn't like whatever it was that he saw in you._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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The coffee machine made a grinding noise without the unbearable screeching that accompanied it when there were no beans and he smiled, leaning back against the counter, inhaling the scent of freshly brewed coffee. He loved it.

Choux had left and he already missed her voice that surrounded him from the moment he was pulled out of his sleep to the moment she closed the door behind herself after giving him a warm kiss on his cheek. But then again, she always scolded him when he drank coffee, rolling her eyes and being overly dramatic about it, so he was thankful for the bit of silence and the alone time with his cup of hot black.

Pulling the coffee from under the machine, Hoseok walked towards the living room and opened the door. The sun was shining through the open blinds and covered the room in a gorgeous golden color. It almost seemed as if somebody had painted everything in a thin layer of Venetian gold ink, making the grey leather couch and the rest of the mostly wooden furniture look more precious. Like a chamber of a Prince or a princess.

_Too bad, you don't do interiors. Just people._

During the past few weeks, he genuinely considered changing his focus, but his artistic mind was like a stubborn child, screaming at him and throwing itself on the floor, pressuring him to give in.

_It's people, Hoseok. You can't do anything about it._

The old analog camera stared at him from its spot on the windowsill next to the white orchid. It reminded him like a curse, a silent judgment, a bystander or a witness, the feelings it induced were all similar. Anger and hurt.

_Why aren't you developing the photos? It's not only him on the film._

Hoseok shook his head and refocused on the big windows that showed him Paris in all its glory, buildings covered by the morning sun and making the city seem so much more appealing than it was when one strolled in the streets. Hoseok would have gladly stayed inside, but he couldn't. He had a magazine shoot at ten.

_One might think you're a masochist._

He preferred the bitter taste of coffee to the bitter thoughts and the pressuring, poisonous feeling in his stomach caused by the latter. He hadn't taken the picture of the black-haired model, he didn't want to. He didn't want to look at him and he didn't want to see or catch anything, the only thing he had wanted was to live without having to see or talk to him again.

_That worked well so far._

It did. He had cancelled a shoot two weeks ago because the art director proposed the model to him, putting a picture in front of his face. One that he had shot for the sleeping pictorial. As if to mock him, the pictures became famous, but he successfully managed to avoid the big eyes that stared into nothing from the huge advertisements he passed on his way to the photo shoot locations.

_Fuck him._

Taking a sip of his coffee, Hoseok concentrated on the taste that spread the bitterness in his mouth, turning into a prominent sensation that was able to dampen his thoughts.

_You still think about it, even though you shouldn't._

Because that person managed to hurt him. It was not by scratching his skin that he had to hide from Choux for two weeks until it healed, no, the black-haired man managed to rip open a wound from a long time ago, by making him feel pain to feel better.

_Like her. She did that all the time._

Hoseok remembered a broken camera, ripped film, a content smile after she had seen his face and the hurt that poured out of his expression. She was satisfied.

_Fuck them both._

His coffee time didn't turn out the way he had planned, but the mind was unpredictable, so he emptied the cup and got up to pack his things, silently hoping he was going to see something he could capture.

_

It was chaotic. The set was a mess and didn't fit the concept, the clothes and Elodie, his petite model for the day. They had put flowers everywhere, covering the whole thing in pink.

_Giant fuckery._

“But how are we supposed to change it to dark blue in such a short time?” the set designer whined at him, gesturing wildly. Personal incompetence wasn’t his area of expertise, so he shrugged.

“I don't care,” he stated while the door on his right opened and he could see a glimpse of dark blue. The walls in the hallway were dark blue.

_That’s it!_

“I'll shoot her in the hallway.” He pointed at the door and walked over to his bag. After some shuffling, he took out his big Canon camera and checked the settings.

“But- you… you can’t do that, there’s another shoot on the other side of the studio,” the designer murmured, but Hoseok didn’t really care. He wasn’t about to steal anyone’s set or anything, he only wanted the wall. The dark-blue wall.

_His arguments are shit._

“Who is the photographer?” Hoseok asked without lifting his gaze.

“Kihyun Yoo,” the grey-haired man replied and brushed his hair back to distract from the nervousness that was obvious in his every movement. Again, Hoseok didn’t really care because hearing the familiar name made him ecstatic, so he smiled brightly and shook from excitement. He decided not to comment and simply walked over to the second set, opening the door and slipping inside.

_This will be easy._

“Kihyun,” he called the short silver-haired man who was dressed in black linen pants accompanied by a loose white shirt and stood at the side, looking at some previews on his camera that looked bigger than him. He looked good. “I’m going to shoot in your hallway because they made a princess-style set and I feel like puking, okay?”

_He usually understands you, so he’ll agree, right?_

“Why again? It’s the third time you've done this, just tell me that you have a crush on me and stop creating a fuss on my sets.” There was a bright grin as his friend lifted his gaze that he mirrored, knowing that he had a good chance of getting what he wanted.

_He’s the best because you don’t need to explain._

“I wish.” Hoseok laughed loudly and winked at the other man, not paying attention to the set or the model because he only needed his friend’s consent. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Are you with Choux?” Kihyun asked and took a few steps towards him, looking around and probably expecting a positive answer judged by his bright smile.

“Not this time, she’s coming along tomorrow because it’s Saturday, but you can come over today if you like.” Hugging the silver-haired man, Hoseok squished him on purpose and glanced at the camera in his hand. “So, I can shoot in your hallway, right?”

“Yes, you bastard, and I don’t want to come over because you won’t let me drink. Are you coming along to Milan fashion week?” Winking, the photographer lifted the camera and clicked through the preview ignoring him. Hoseok got curious and glanced over, blood freezing in his veins before he had the time to realize why.

_It’s him._

The coffee eyes were staring right into the lens, at him. The sight provoked a feeling of nausea, a wish to empty the contents of his stomach, making him dizzy and swallow repeatedly. Exhaling sharply, Hoseok stepped back and lifted his gaze that settled on the set. His ignorance was remarkable when it came to visual input he wasn't interested in and he wished it would’ve stayed like that.

_Instead, you feel his nails caress your thigh before they dig into your flesh and break it._

The snake was sitting on the provided chair, chewing on his lips, visibly in thought and staring at the ceiling instead of his photographer. There was discomfort in his posture that he masked by crossing his legs and stroking along his thigh.

_Fuck him. Don’t even bother to look. He likes to be looked at._

Hoseok let out an audible sigh and returned his attention to his friend, who looked interested in his weird reaction.

“Something up?” he asked, but Hoseok only shook his head and pointed at the wall.

“I’ll shoot over here. Don’t mind me.”

_Don’t mind him. He doesn’t exist._

The thought was a calming one and he got his breathing under control after thinking about the color shades of the clothes that the beautiful woman was going to wear. The yellow, black and blue fit so well together.

“Are we shooting here?” Elodie walked over to them, coordinated and always aware of each step. Hoseok could see it without having to concentrate on it. Her brown hair was carefully arranged on her shoulders, complimenting the yellow blazer she wore.

“Yes, don’t try to impress me, that’s not what I’m paying attention to.” Hoseok sighed and reached for the woman’s shoulder, brushing the hair from it and letting the locks swing prettily. “Let’s be provocative today, I have the feeling that you have the potential, we only need to pull it out.” He concentrated his gaze on his model, thankful for the welcoming distraction from the fact that he didn’t want to be in the same room, same building, or the same city with the black-haired bastard.

_Don’t mind him. He doesn’t exist._

_Not for you._

_

Hoseok liked being right. He liked the knowledge that there was something he was able to see. That something that others couldn’t see, in addition to the skill he possessed to pull it to the surface and capture it on film. Those things made his job and his passion so gratifying.

_You like your job. You do._

“Amazing. We’re done.” He smiled at Elodie, because she definitely deserved it. The woman was sitting with her back leaning against the wall, legs spread and head tilted, looking like a panther that was about to jump him and bite into his neck. It was perfect. “Good job.”

Chuckling lowly, the model stood up and brushed the dirt from her black suit-pants, slapping his shoulder right after.

“You are insane, aren’t you? Let’s get a coffee, I haven't eaten since yesterday.”

Hoseok hated the way the people in the business treated their bodies, but it stayed no matter how many times he tried to influence it by ensuring that the pictures would look great, even if someone had a meal the evening before.

“You are. You should buy yourself a cream bun for all the effort,” he murmured while scrolling through the preview and simultaneously moving towards the kitchen. As soon as they arrived, he let himself fall on one of the chairs, feeling the exhaustion in his limbs from squatting, crouching and other weird acrobatics he, as a photographer had to perform to take a proper picture.

“Coffee?” he heard a low male voice say next to them, followed by a big cup that was placed right in front of his nose. The scent was delicious, but it couldn't distract him from the person standing next to him. The black-haired snake was smiling brightly and handed another cup to Elodie, who thanked him and appeared surprisingly shy.

_Pretentious bastard._

“I saw the last bit and I'm sure it will turn out amazing. I didn't know you had so much rawness in you, Elodie. I like it,” Hyungwon easily complimented the petite woman, face genuine just like his body language.

_As if he’s genuine. If he was genuine, he’d try to hurt her to ‘get it back’._

It was hard to pretend that the snake didn’t exist if he stood right next to him and put a coffee cup in front of his nose. The delicious scent didn’t distract him from the memory of sharp nails against his skin and the low voice saying that it made him feel better.

_That your pain made him feel better._

Hoseok stood up and went to the machine, taking an espresso cup and exchanging the coffee pad for a new one. He listened to the liquid dripping into the white porcelain, gaze focused on the thin stream that filled his cup.

He could feel the presence next to him before he could hear the words.

“Is there a reason why you're avoiding me? Am I infectious?”

Hoseok ignored it, eyes not leaving the cup before it was full and he took it out, sipping on the black liquid and burning his lips. Hissing loudly, he jerked, but caught himself in time to move away from the tall figure that made him uncomfortable.

A brief involuntary glance at the other man's face revealed incomprehension, Hyungwon had apparently no idea why Hoseok would want to avoid him. The pump lips were pursed but there was no raised eyebrow, none of the mocking gestures the other man usually performed.

_Why does it matter whether he knows why you’re like this to him? It doesn’t._

“You told me to do it, Hoseok,” the low voice spoke eventually, not following him this time. His heartbeat got faster, hammering inside his ears and fueling the anger and the hurt that spread like a disease without him being able to stop it or to do anything about it.

_He is telling you that it’s your fault._

“Fuck you,” he hissed, not able to hold back the poisonous response and walked to the farthest end of the room, lifting himself up on the counter. He sipped on his coffee with his eyes closed and tried to create a monotonous noise by scratching over the surface of the kitchen counter with his left hand. It usually helped to distract him from unwanted memories or thoughts.

“Fuck you too,” he heard, followed by steps. “At least I tried.”

_Tried... to make himself feel better._

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his thigh and opened his eyes, glaring at Elodie, who looked intimidated tremendously, jerking and pulling her hand back.

“I- sorry, is something wrong?” she asked, eyes wide and looking mildly scared.

_You freaked her out._

“No. My mood went down, nothing major,” he replied truthfully and slipped down from the counter and decided to call it a day. “See you tomorrow.”

“Waaaaaait, where are you going?” Kihyun yelled, stretching the sound unnecessarily and pushed him back into the kitchen. He was holding a bottle of pear cider in his right hand. “Look what I found! Are you sure that you don’t want to drink, it’s absolutely delicious.” The silver hair flew up as Kihyun threw his head back and gulped down a third of the bottle. A hero.

“I want to go home, come on, you know I don’t drink.” Hoseok whined and kept his gaze focused on his friend, watching as his adam’s apple bobbed while swallowing.

“I let you shoot in the hallway, so you can keep your friend company, you rude bastard. Give and take, you know?” The bottle landed on the table and a strong arm wrapped around his shoulders. “You know that I only booked that model because of your pictorial? It was fucking amazing, how did you manage? He really looks asleep, it’s crazy. I even bought the magazine, can you imagine that?”

_Amazing._

“I hate it,” he commented truthfully and glanced at the bottle with mixed feelings.

_You don’t drink, Hoseok. You don’t._

“Wait, what? What do you mean you hate it? It’s genius, the clothes, the light, the minimal makeup, the expressions; it’s as if you’re made for each-other, a photographer and his muse.” Hoseok wanted to slap his best friend, or shut his mouth, or both.

_He’s just trash._

“Shut up, I hate the whole thing and it makes me want to vomit. You can like it as much as you want, but stop talking about it with me. Just stop.” His outburst had an effect, as the silver-haired photographer turned to him and stared for a long time, before grabbing the bottle and taking another sip.

“Personal?” Kihyun asked, but didn’t wait for an answer and didn’t attempt to stop him as he left the room, not glancing at the tall figure that he could clearly see somewhere out of the corner of his eyes.

_You need to find a way to stop caring. It’s not worth it, Hoseok._

***

It felt good to be in Paris for once, to know the streets he took, to frown at the dirt that collected under his freshly polished leather shoes and to be able to speak French. Of course, he didn't mind speaking English, he had to do it all the time when he had foreign pictorials, but French was peaceful for him, the language of his childhood.

_Your thoughts leave your lips easier when they are in French._

The current pictorial was in a studio again and even though Hyungwon enjoyed the certainty of not getting wet in the rain, he preferred the way his face looked with natural lighting. But Kihyun Yoo was one of his favorite photographers, a natural with precise instructions. He also didn't touch him and was capable of expressing his thoughts with words.

_Those are the best ones._

Hyungwon had been perfectly relaxed, focused on his shoot and the intimidating look he was supposed to wear. There was rarely something to break his concentration, but unfortunately a familiar broad back, black hair and small eyes had that ability.

_It's him._

There was no reason to be uncomfortable around the photographer who had gifted him an additional burst of fame, after all Hyungwon had received countless offers for magazines and themed pictorials because of the bed-themed shots.

_But it's not about him, it's about what he did afterwards._

Hyungwon had experienced several rejections in his life, of course he did. Modelling needed to be learned and turning his body into what it was now had taken months and years of effort. He knew what it felt like to be rejected and he usually knew why it happened and could understand if another model was chosen in the end.

_But with him you can't. He rejects you whenever you are offered, even if the alternative is worse._

Hyungwon wasn't perfect, he knew that, but he also knew that nobody really was and he had put in a tremendous amount of work to get pretty close to it.

Hoseok Lee avoided him like the plague and the way his gaze changed once he saw him told Hyungwon much more than a simple paper rejection was able to.

_You make him uncomfortable. Whatever you did, it made him so uncomfortable that he cannot bear looking at you._

The avoidance in the kitchen and the blatant 'fuck you' was the final point at which Hyungwon wished he could turn off his emotions and the voice in his head that told him it was because of what the other man saw inside of him. It couldn't have been that bad, could it? They had experienced tension and closeness, it was intense, but the other man hadn't been disgusted, not when those dark eyes were eating him all on their own.

Hyungwon had tried to solve it, to talk to him and make conversion, only to be cursed at for no reason. It was unbearable, both for him and for all the other people that the black-haired man continued to involve.

_It's not even your conflict, it's his. You don't really mind him and appreciate him, but still he hates the air you breathe._

It must have been the emotions, the way Hoseok had agreed to getting hurt but couldn't bear the closeness and Hyungwon taking control in the end, anger boiling behind those black eyes.

_You didn't crack and didn't touch him, that must have changed his mind._

If there was something that Hyungwon missed about their encounter, then it was the special gaze, the way the photographer was able to touch with his eyes, to really look at a person instead of the outer layer of perfection that he had built up.

_It's intimidating because you don't like to show yourself, but the way he does it is different, exhilarating._

The black-haired man enjoyed what he saw instead of being disappointed, that was the difference. But Hyungwon wasn't so sure anymore, not with the current behavior. There was no point in getting close now, not with the obvious hate and avoidance.

_Not to mention the lies._

Hyungwon was leaning against the wall next to the kitchen door, taking a few deep breaths to get the anger out of his system while Hoseok Lee was talking to his photographer and pretending that he didn't drink.

_As if, you can list all the alcohol beverages he had without a problem._

After all, strawberry gin had been the reason for calling the other man Mr. Strawberry, before Hyungwon learned his name and who he was. Maybe I would have been better if Hyungwon had accepted the first rejection and they never talked again.

_But he was the one who came to you because he saw something authentic that he pulled out by force. What changed?_

He sucked his lips into his mouth as the two men begun to talk about the pictorial that had increased their levels of fame. Hoseok was capable of pulling something real out, to move beyond Hyungwon's hard shell with his permission.

_Stop thinking about it, he doesn't even want to have anything to do with you anymore._

It hurt a little even if he pretended that it didn't. It was a reminder that most people preferred to look at him in a magazine.

_You chose this, get over it._

His hands trembled when the black-haired man ripped the kitchen door open and rushed past him, not even bothering to look in his direction.

If only it was that easy.

_

Groaning, mostly quietly to himself, Hyungwon pulled his suit pants down his long legs and threw them over a chair in his dressing room. That was the advantage of being back in Paris, he had some fame and was treated accordingly. The space wasn't much, but it was private and the only person walking in and out was his stylist, fixing his hair, pulling at a shirt or gesturing for him to sit down on the makeup chair. The brown-haired guy with a trimmed beard was funny because he barely talked and mostly rolled his eyes before hinting at him to do something. Hyungwon had the vague suspicion that he didn't speak French and somehow that also didn't surprise him considering Kihyun Yoo’s wide ranged friendships.

Apparently, his photographer was also friends with the reason for his current frustration and the constant throbbing in his temples.

_You want to ignore it but it's impossible._

They were sharing a set area and a kitchen, it was difficult to not see each other at all considering that most people worked according to the same break schedule, but still Hyungwon saw the petite model more often than he saw the photographer. One might have thought that Hoseok purposefully avoided the kitchen at this point, only to avoid seeing him.

It hadn't made sense on the day the photographer left and it made even less sense now. How bad could it be for the black-haired man to avoid everything connected to him? Dislike was easy, one simply didn't interact or cancelled deals, but the way Hoseok behaved was almost phobic. It hurt a little, even if Hyungwon would have never admitted to it.

_Because the last time you interacted, you showed him more than you show anybody else. Whatever you showed him must have been terrible._

Hyungwon hated the thought because it didn't fit with his self-image. He preferred to be untouchable, above all of these childish conflicts, but Hoseok Lee was making it difficult. Even Elodie had been ridiculously shy next to him, more than usual while trying to make sure nobody was around to see. It felt like he was some forbidden territory, an outsider that lived at the edge of the city and nobody was allowed to interact with. Luckily, Kihyun Yoo wasn't somebody to care about what other people did or didn't do.

_You'll kill him if he ruins your deals with other photographers as well._

He wanted to be nonchalant, he really did, staring at his gorgeous reflection and the attractive mix of colors on his eyelids, but his mind kept returning to the way Hoseok had looked when he told him to fuck off. It wasn't hate only, for that there had been too much emotion in the words. One might have thought seeing him caused the other man physical pain.

Once he was done and only needed to switch part of his outfit, Hyungwon forced himself to think ahead and practice facial expressions while pulling his shirt over his head. Just when he threw it on the chair next to him, the door opened, just like that, without a single knock or a warning.

Hyungwon immediately wanted to tell the person to get the fuck out of his styling room, in a friendly manner of course because he was at work, but all those intentions were completely wiped away when his gaze fell on a pair of blue eyes peeking from the door crack. A few seconds passed before a round face and black hair joined the sight.

“Hi,” the girl said and smiled, lip corners curling upwards.

Whatever anger and worries Hyungwon had before that exact moment became obsolete as he stared at the gorgeous little thing standing at the door to his room, wondering what gave him that blessing.

“Hello, pretty,” he replied with a wide smile and pulled the shirt he was supposed to wear over his shoulders, buttoning it up quickly. A second glance, just to be sure, revealed that it was indeed a girl. She had long black hair, tied into two ponytails on the side, big, blue eyes and could have been any age from six to ten. It was hard to tell.

“My name is not pretty, it's Amelie. You don't need to be ashamed, because nakedness is normal.”

“It is,” Hyungwon agreed, a little dumbfounded by the immediate conclusion that he was ashamed. “Amelie is a pretty name, so your name might just as well be pretty.” Again, he smiled, unable to help it.

“Thank you. My dad gave it to me.” The girl walked in and closed the door, looking around with interest. Hyungwon couldn't help his amusement at the politeness amidst the impolite entry. The gorgeous little child was wearing a pair of green jeans and a bright blue shirt, making her look like a field on a sunny day. “Are you a model? My mom is a model too.”

_Huh, is she Elodie’s?_

Hyungwon ditched the thought as soon as it appeared because the model was barely twenty-one, too young to have a little girl older than five.

“Yeah, I'm a model,” he replied and walked over to Amelie before sinking to his knees and establishing eye contact. She had a very interesting face, especially with the bright blue eyes that immediately caught one's attention. “I'm Hyungwon. Your mom must be pretty then, just like you.”

“Hmm, I guess she is, but I look like dad, apart from this.” The girl pointed at her eyes and blinked a few times to support her words. “You are also pretty, Hyungwon. Who will take pictures of you today?” Suddenly the girl's small hand reached for his face and poked his cheek. “You're soft, like choux.”

Usually Hyungwon would have been angry about being touched just like that, but that couldn't be applied to children, could it? The little girl was too sweet for her own good and he couldn't help but smile at the gesture, even though it suggested he had fat cheeks.

“I've never had choux before, is it tasty?” he asked and decided to return the touch by stroking over Amelie’s hair once. “Your hair is really soft too, almost like silk.”

“Actually, nobody knows my name here; they all think my name is Choux because uncle Kiki calls me that and everybody else too. In addition, you should pay more attention. I asked you who is taking pictures of you and my hair distracted you. You must be lying about not having Choux. It's the tastiest there is, I don't know anybody who doesn't know.” The girl spoke nonstop before she started laughing, puffing her cheeks on purpose and making a farting noise by pushing her finger into it.

Hyungwon couldn't help but laugh too, amazed by how adorable the little girl was, warming up to him in a matter of seconds even though he was a stranger.

_She is not the only one warming up. You love her already._

“I'm sorry, you're right, I got distracted. The one taking pictures for me is…” Hyungwon suddenly realized the connection between the nickname Amelie used and his photographer, “uncle... Kiki, I guess?” He laughed again, simply because the nickname sounded so ridiculous. “But I have really never tried it before; I need to pay attention to what I eat unfortunately. But maybe I will try it someday, just for you.”

_At least you know that she's Kihyun's niece now. And that either his sister or his sister in law is a model._

Hyungwon was a little envious that the photographer had such a gorgeous little sunshine in his life.

“Ah! Kiki? This is a secret, because people aren’t supposed to share their private conversations, you know? But you are funny and nice, so I’ll tell you, but you have to swear to keep the secret first. Give me your finger; it will be a pinky promise.” Stretching out her small pinky, Amelie reached for his hand and curled it around his own pinky. “And stamp,” she whispered, connecting their thumbs. “Okay. Are you ready to hear the secret I know?”

“Yes, I am,” Hyungwon replied, voice lower and quieter, automatically playing along. It felt like the whole world was going to make sense in the next thirty seconds and he loved it.

“So,” Amelie started, leaning in and whispering in his ear. “I heard Kiki talk about you, and he said that he really likes working with you and your professional attitude, even though I have no idea what that means, anyways… he also said that there is a personal problem between you and another person? Did you fight with someone? It might be something you didn’t know, but Kiki talked about it, so it must be true, he usually doesn’t lie.” Leaning back, the girl widened her eyes, as if she was the one most shaken by her own revelation.

_Well, fuck._

Apparently, even the children on the set knew that he had a complicated relationship with Hoseok.

Hyungwon widened his eyes too before covering his mouth with his big hand in surprise.

“Thank you so much for sharing that with me, Amelie! Uncle Kiki said some really nice things about me then, those mean a lot,” he replied and smiled widely, genuinely happy to hear the compliment. Compliments meant the most when they were told indirectly.

_But you have to explain the other situation to her too, at least mostly._

“And about the argument… well- that man and I had a few conflicts, but then I thought we found a common language, only that- I think something happened to make him hate me. So now he ignores me and I don't really know what to do about it.” It felt strange to explain it to a child, but at the same time, it felt so relieving to say it out loud, to at least tell somebody what he was thinking. “It- kind of makes me sad, but… you really cheered me up by coming here, Amelie. Thank you, really.”

“Oh no,” the girl whispered and hugged him out of nowhere. “I’m so sorry that you fought with your friend. My dad always says that one has to be straightforward about it, tell the man that it hurts you and if he’s a bad person then you should be happy that he is not a part of your life.” The small hand stroked his hair, as if he was a plush toy that the girl liked the most. “Or you should go to someone who will make you feel better. When I’m sad I always go to my dad and then he hugs me and tells me a story or shows me pretty pictures and then it’s fine again. I will bring a pretty picture for you tomorrow, if you like.” Leaning back, Amelie smiled brightly and nodded at him.

Hyungwon watched the beautiful face and fought the way his chest constricted and his eyes burned. It was stupid, it really was, but the way Amelie talked about having somebody to go to when she felt bad only reminded him that he didn't. He never really thought he needed it either, he preferred to be independent and he didn't want to be touched against his will either, but here he was, almost sobbing because a little girl shared her secrets and sources of affection with him.

“That- that'd be really nice, Amelie. I’d love to see a pretty picture,” he whispered and held his breath.

“I will come back tomorrow because I don’t have school but am not allowed to stay home by myself, so we will see each other again, right? I will try my best and bring you something that will cheer you up! Do you want to be my friend?” The child cupped his face and squeezed it between her small palms. “Also your tummy looks funny, like a violin.”

Hyungwon chuckled, not sure what that was supposed to mean and emotional at the same time. Amelie was so sweet and open, immediately wrapping him in her small palms.

“I’d absolutely love to be your friend, Amelie,” he replied and enclosed a small hand in his big one, careful not to squeeze too much. “We will definitely see each other tomorrow, I'll make some time.”

“But now you have to go, because Kiki hates it if people are late,” she whispered and jumped back, pointing at the door. “If he scolds you tell me, I’ll scold him back, because I can be scary, even though I look like Choux.”

“I will,” Hyungwon replied with a loud laugh and brushed through his hair before fixing his shirt and checking his face one last time. “Take care, Amelie, and thank you so much for coming to me. You are a real blessing.”

The girl waved at him, smiling brightly with her curved lips while showing the big teeth before she disappeared behind the door.

The change in mood was impressive, bright smile on his lips and excitement bubbling in his chest. Hyungwon couldn't wait to see the little sunshine again the next day.

_Because she has no preconceptions about you, it's just you and she can see it._

_

Hyungwon enjoyed his work, even the parts that others mostly didn't consider nice like changing and having his makeup done. He also didn't mind staying still for a long time or hanging from strange places for effect. All of the above were fine with him, but he couldn't remember the last time he went to work with a genuine grin.

“Good morning, Kihyun,” he called out towards his photographer and waved at him with a bright smile. The other man was in the process of checking his equipment and adding decorative items to the set. Hyungwon liked the other man, he knew what he was doing and was good at it, but he looked forward to seeing the other man's niece more.

“Oh, hi, Hyungwon. Are you ready for the last day?” The silver-haired man smiled, watching him for a few seconds before returning his attention to the set. It must’ve been important. “Choux created a mess here yesterday, moving everything and telling me that the chair didn’t look as if it belonged to the flowers and that it sucked, but I’m weak, so I’m changing it.”

_He's really not calling her by her real name._

Hyungwon smiled because he liked the idea that using the little girl’s first name was something special.

“I understand, she's a sweetheart,” he commented and was surprised that he understood Kihyun. Before he would have called the photographer crazy for changing the set because of a child, but here he was, nodding along in comprehension. “Where is she? You still need some time to set up, right?”

_Selfishly motivated, Hyungwon, you only want to talk to her._

“Yeah, she ran somewhere around the changing rooms, let’s hope she won’t freak out Elodie,” Kihyun replied with a laugh and pointed at the room that he had changed in yesterday.

_Maybe she's looking for you?_

Smiling widely, he nodded at the other man and quickly walked to the changing room, opening the door and expecting his stylist while hoping to see Amelie.

A first glance revealed the beautiful child that turned in the middle of a sentence and smiled like a fucking sun.

“I’m sorry, but could you leave us alone?” she asked the stylist while pointing at the door. “I want to talk to my friend in private.”

Hyungwon chuckled as the bearded man, that Amelie wasn’t afraid of, shrugged and pursed his lips. Gesturing towards the clothes he was supposed to wear briefly, his stylist left the room, complying to a little girl throwing him out. It was hilarious.

“You should become a queen,” he commented and immediately kneeled to stretch out his arms and embrace the beautiful girl.

“I brought something for you and I don’t want to brag, but it was really hard to get money and the picture.” Amelie smiled beautifully and hugged him with one arm, while holding something in another.

_She got money, oh god, hopefully she didn't steal it._

“I hope you got the money in a legal way,” he commented before kissing the soft cheek and glancing towards the small hand. “What did you get me? I got you something too.”

“I would never steal!” the girl exclaimed in outrage and opened her mouth to demonstrate how shaken she was. “I asked my dad. But I didn’t tell him that I’m getting it for you.” A sneaky smile appeared on the round face as Amelie opened the small paper bag and got out a pastry. It was a little squished, but the joy and happiness on the girl’s face and the way her eyes sparkled in excitement made it the best present. “I got you Choux, because you never tried it. I hope you didn’t lie.”

“No- no, I didn't lie,” Hyungwon replied, shaken that the little girl invested all that effort to get him a pastry. Feeling blessed, he reached out and carefully took the pastry in his hands, looking at it with guilt at the pit of his stomach. He was right before a pictorial, he couldn't stuff the whole thing into his face. “It's beautiful and looks really soft, Amelie. Thank you so much. Is it okay if I try it now and eat the rest after taking photos?”

“No. I want to watch you eat it because models always lie about eating. You are beautiful; the Choux will make you more beautiful and happy.” Smiling, the girl tried her best to hide something behind her back.

Hyungwon nodded slowly while expertly pretending that he didn't see. It must have been a surprise and he wasn't going to be the one to ruin it. The only problem was the pastry and the fact that Amelie was smarter than he had expected.

“Not even if you watch me take a bite and then I'll eat the rest later? You want me to eat all of it now?” he asked and glanced at the white cream.

“Yes, because you won’t eat it later and I might not be able to make sure that you do, but I put so much effort into this, so it would make me sad if you lied to me. I think the Choux will make you feel sweet and joyful, like riding on a giant sugar cloud and laughing really loudly.” Amelie’s mouth transformed into a curved smile as she watched him intently. “You could say that you don’t like the taste, but it’s not possible, because Choux a la crème is the most tasty thing ever.”

Giant sugar cloud sounded about right as Hyungwon lifted the pastry to his lips and opened his mouth wide to take a bite. The texture was fluffy and melted on his tongue just like the sweet cream. It tasted like heaven and he would have rolled in it had it been acceptable behavior.

His eyes widened a little and he met the little girl's gaze, curious if it would make her happy.

Her blue eyes were open wide and she watched him with a giant smile, it even looked as if the girl held her breath, observing his reaction and trembling from excitement. There was something intense about her gaze, but Hyungwon couldn’t point out what exactly.

Fueled by the pretty smile, he smiled back before taking another bite, allowing the pastry to melt in his mouth and spread its delicious taste. It was good and he almost forgot to regret it when he ate the last bit and licked the cream off his fingers.

“Sugary heaven, that's what it is,” he replied and stroked over Amelie’s hair with his other hand. “I really like it.”

“I’m so happy that you like it, I think your face is even prettier, now that you ate the Choux. I got a pretty picture, as promised. It also took a lot of effort, so I hope that you like it.” The girl chewed on her curved lips, before taking out a black and white photograph. It looked as if it was developed from a 35mm film and showed a man, internally gazing into the coffee cup standing in front of him. The man was familiar but also not, soft profile inconsistent with the deepness of his eyes.

It was him.

Hyungwon stared, eyes widened as he attempted to comprehend what he was seeing. Usually he wouldn't have been surprised to see a picture of himself, after all there were more of those out there than he could count. What made this particular photo different was that he had never seen it before. He didn't know it and he also didn't know when it was taken.

“Where did you get this?” he asked quietly and moved a little closer to see better. The coffee cup was familiar but he couldn't see the logo. What surprised him the most was his expression. It couldn't have been a pictorial because it wasn't controlled at all, it was simply him.

“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret,” Amelie whispered and stretched out her hand for him to take the picture. “But you have to promise me that you will cherish it. It’s special.”

“It is, I can see that it's special,” he murmured and accepted the gift with careful hands. “I don't think I've ever seen myself like this. Thank you, Amelie. You do so much for me, I doubt that what I give you will repay that.”

Licking over his lips, he reached for his leather bag and hid away the picture before getting out the small bracelet he had taken from home. It was a little nostalgic and Hyungwon wasn't too sure what made him decide to give it to the little girl, but he knew that it was the right thing to do.

The small pearls were uneven and a little misaligned, but the bracelet still mattered to him.

“I made this when I was little. It is from a special beach where I collected the pearls myself and put them together.” Stretching out the small piece of jewelry he pulled it over Amelie’s small hand. “I wanted you to have it because you're just as bright. I hope you like it.”

“Oh my god, this is beautiful! You are my first friend. Apart from my dad, but the kids at school say that my dad doesn’t count. That means that you are a real friend! Moreover, you even gave me a present! Thank you so much, Hyungwon.” The slim arms wrapped around him and squeezed with as much strength as the petite girl could muster. Hyungwon hugged back, a little overwhelmed by the affection and gently patted her back.

“You're not my first friend, but definitely the youngest. That's something, isn't it?” Smiling, he patted Amelie’s back once more before standing up and twirling her around once. She was so light. “I only wish I had a way to contact you, but I doubt that you have a phone. Today is my last day on set.”

Hyungwon had never expected himself to befriend a child in a matter of days. Already he was worried about not having the chance to see her again.

“I have a number at home… but… my dad might get angry if I get called by an adult. He said I'm not allowed to talk to strangers,” Amelie muttered, obviously uncomfortable about the topic. “I'll still give it to you. You can hang up if he picks up.”

“I'm not sure that's a good idea. Shouldn't your dad know that you're friends with me? I'd be really worried if I was your dad. What if I'm a bad person?” Hyungwon nodded to support his words and observed the girl intently. Her father must have been very strict, but it was also understandable with how easily she talked to strangers. “Maybe I can meet your dad someday and he can see that I'm not that bad? After all your uncle likes me.” He chuckled because there was no way he could get used to calling his photographer uncle. “But I'd be happy to have the telephone number, and then I have a way to contact both, you and your dad.”

“He- he is really nice, my dad, I mean, but sometimes he doesn’t understand my point, he’s a little stubborn, you know?” the girl whispered before hugging him.

Suddenly there was a brief sound of someone knocking before the door opened and a pair of dark eyes peeked inside.

“Choux?” a familiar low voice asked, forcing shivers down his spine before he even realized that it was the black-haired photographer who had done everything possible to avoid him.

_He has the shittiest timing, doesn't he?_

It seemed typical that the reason for his discomfort and recurring self-consciousness would come right when he was feeling happy and at ease.

“What… what are you doing?” the other man’s eyes widened as soon as his gaze focused on the girl in his arms. Amelie leaned back and stared, expression moving between being scared and ashamed.

_Is it because of you? Is she ashamed to be seen with you?_

“Nothing. He’s a friend,” she murmured and loosened her embrace, stepping back and chewing on her lips. Hoseok looked scary, scary as his gaze narrowed and his face turned even paler than it had been before.

“Why are you scaring her?” Hyungwon exclaimed immediately and brushed over Amelie’s head carefully. He didn’t want her to be scared or uncomfortable because of the other man.

_Who the fuck is he to make her feel bad?_

“He’s not your friend. Let’s go,” Hoseok hissed and opened the door, waiting until the girl sighed and glanced at him once.

“You are,” she whispered and walked over to the rude asshole, whining and shaking her body, unwilling to leave.

“Who the hell are you to force her?” Hyungwon asked loudly, unable to bear the dissatisfaction on the little girl's face. She went along, so the photographer must have had some authority, but he was too rough. Hoseok’s expression changed into apparent anger as he stepped in front of Amelie, hiding her behind his broad back.

“That’s none of your business. Stay the fuck away from her while I’m asking nicely,” the black-haired man hissed, face pale and small eyes almost black. He had no time to react as the muscular man turned and walked through the door, preventing him from looking at the girl that tried to wave at him.

_What an asshole._

Hyungwon groaned in frustration and almost ripped the shirt off his body, getting ready to change into the clothes for the shoot. He couldn't believe that the other man not only ruined his photo shoot and confidence with his sheer hate, but he also took away the nice company that was giving him happiness.

_What have you done to deserve this?_

If only he knew.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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“Why do you suddenly need to buy choux? I can buy it for you,” Hoseok murmured, wondering why Amelie insisted on going by herself and asked for money to be able to buy it alone.

 _Stubborn, just let her,_ he thought while observing the room where he developed the pictures from his old camera. Hoseok wouldn't have done it if the huge blue puppy eyes hadn't been staring at him the whole morning, begging for pretty pictures and making up nonexistent promises he apparently broke by not showing her the photos.

_You haven't promised anything and she knows it._

“Why don't you like the sleeping guy? He looks like a nice person.” Choux chewed on her croissant and pointed at the second shelf inside his cupboard where he kept the pictures of the bed pictorial.

“I'll tell you if you tell me why you suddenly want to buy pastries and carry them somewhere,” he replied and winked, sipping on his coffee. The girl rolled her eyes and sighed, speaking with her mouth open and covering the table in crumbles. Children were pigs, no matter how he looked at it.

“Iths foa fend,” she said. It sounded so funny that Hoseok had to mimic it.

“Foa fend? What kind of friend? Kihyun? You know he only eats other people's heads, I told you.” He made a serious face and nodded.

“Oh come on, dad, Kihyun is not a friend, he's just Kihyun. I have another friend. He is really nice.” Amelie stuck out her tongue, but was quick to pull it back before he could say anything. “And now it's your turn. Why don't you like the sleeping guy?”

_Because he acted as if he understood you before causing you pain to feel better. Because he made it hurt more than it would have if he hadn't acted all understanding about your gaze._

“He is a bad person and he-” Hoseok wanted to explain, but it was too complicated and Amelie was sensitive about emotional topics, so he sighed instead. “We had an argument and I simply don't want to have anything to do with him. He's the kind of person I wish wouldn't exist for me.”

_It would've been better if you never met._

“But what if this guy thinks the same about you? Like, what if he's hurt because you don't like him? Isn't it sad? Can't you make up?” His daughter leaned closer and observed his face, trying to get through to his thoughts.

_She said she's friends with some guy._

“Okay, Miss Lee, what did I tell you about making friends with random strangers? Is it a smart or a reckless thing to do?” Hoseok leaned in too, starting a staring competition.

“Sometimes it's a nice thing because I can meet very nice people and make friends, like I did yesterday. Now excuse me, Mr. Dad, I need to look at the pretty pictures you promised, but never showed to me. I'll pick one to keep for myself.” There was a glimpse of a pink tongue, as Amelie stood up and marched towards the red light room, disappearing behind the door.

_Why is parenting so exhausting?_

Hoseok didn't know, but having a child showed him on how little resources and energy people were able to survive.

_Just let her have the choux and check on her, you can't prohibit her from talking to strangers, she's too stubborn for that._

Sighing, he packed the prepared lunch into the light blue box and swung his bag with the camera over his shoulder.

“Let's go, Choux.”

“I'm coming,” the little girl exclaimed, hiding a picture behind her back and hurriedly stuffing it into her backpack. “The pictures are really pretty, as you promised.”

_You didn't promise anything._

“I love you,” he smiled and leaned in, placing a kiss on the girl's soft cheek. “My sweet choux.”

“I love you too,” she smiled back and stretched out her small hand. “The money.”

_Yes. Of course._

_

Suddenly everything made sense. The choux, the weird questions about Hyungwon and the interest in his pictures. The way his anger boiled like lava inside his veins, when he saw his daughter embraced by the one person that had tainted his joy of living for the past few weeks, was indescribable. He wanted to kill him, his fists tightened and it seemed fortunate that his daughter knew this expression and listened without starting a discussion about why it was okay to be friends with a stranger and whatnot.

_He was the one she was talking about._

This sneaky bastard even had the audacity to ask him who he was to get Amelie out of the room. Hoseok was shaking while his anger spiked up and spread in his body like a disease while he was thankful for the presence of his daughter that led to the fact that he was able to hold himself back in the end. Breathing heavily, he sunk to the ground and looked into the blue eyes.

“Is he the friend you were talking about? Is that why you asked me about him? He's a bad person, Amelie, and I don't like it that you're next to him. It hurts me a lot, really,” he whispered, hands shaking as they curled around his daughters shoulders. It was enough that he had fought for two years to keep Sarah away from the kid, he didn't need more people to make her miserable.

“But I like him, dad, he also feels bad that you two fought and it hurts him too. Just make up and we can all be happy. He's my first friend. You told me that one has to be straightforward! Then you do it first.” Pouting her lips Amelie sobbed, turning away from him.

_Amazing. Now you made her cry._

“You don't understand, because it's complicated, just do me a favor and don't talk to strangers,” he murmured, unable to take it when his daughter cried and hugged her, placing a kiss on both of her cheeks. “Don't be sad, we are going to Milan next week. It will be interesting and I promise that we'll go swimming and Kihyun will be there too.”

Suddenly, the tears disappeared as quickly as they appeared, even though the girl still sobbed while turning around. “Is it the fashion week?” she asked, wiping her wet cheeks with the sleeve. Hoseok was glad that she didn't sniff into it.

“Yes. I will have to work, but not a lot. Only if it's interesting. I'll see.” Smiling, Hoseok stroked over Choux’s head. “Which picture did you take?” he asked, observing the girl's face for hints of a lie.

“The one with the coffee,” she replied, looking to the side and chewing on her lips. “It was my favorite.”

_The first one._

“Well done,” he whispered back and swallowed down the mixture of pride and pain that appeared like a reminder of what has been there. In the coffee-brown eyes. “It's my favorite too.”

_

Travelling with Amelie was amazing; there was no boredom, no freedom and no silence. His daughter was a talented girl, talking nonstop and changing focus as soon as he stopped listening.

First, it was the random dude next to them on the plane, then a fancy looking woman that shared a taxi with them, carrying a leather bag. Amelie was considerate and explained that it was bad to carry animal skin around as an accessory.

_Great._

As soon as they arrived at the hotel, Kihyun had kidnapped the child and they went to the city, planning to play board games until one of them passed out, leaving Hoseok alone with his thoughts. He would have loved to drink something to forget about the black-haired snake, but he didn't drink when he was with his daughter and even if he did, the bar wouldn't have anything strong enough to erase the model's existence.

Still, he went to the bar, enjoying the view and drinking a Virgin Mojito in the comfortable space. Thankfully, nobody joined him and he closed his eyes, listening to the quiet soul music that accompanied the noises from the bar, footsteps and ongoing conversation.

There was sudden shuffling, followed by a slim figure that sat down not too far away from him, legs crossed and typical Mojito caught between long fingers.

_No._

He lifted his gaze and forced his body to relax, straw caught between his lips to not say any kind of bad curse.

_You knew that he would be around._

Hoseok did, but still it was outrageous that the pretentious bastard sat next to him, as if he didn't do anything wrong.

“Go sit somewhere else,” he commented with his eyes closed and took a sip of his Mojito.

“Do you dislike me so much that you are unable to bear me a few seats away from you?” the other man asked softly and followed his example by also taking a sip of his drink.

“Yes,” he replied without the need to think about the question. “If I could move to another city to not see you, I definitely would.”

“But why?” There was lack of understanding in the other man's low voice and Hoseok could feel those dark eyes on him, watching him intently. “Was what you saw in the end terrible enough for you to leave and never want to see me again?”

_The thing you saw? No. The thing he showed._

“It wasn't what I recognized when I saw you for the first time, it also wasn't the thing I saw while taking the picture of you that you hated me for. It was what you decided to go for after coming to my room, putting on a show just to show me that I shouldn't have been wasting my time with you. Thank you.” Maybe Hoseok needed to go somewhere else to be left alone, but it seemed like a lost battle, so he didn't.

“What?” The surprise only increased as Hyungwon grabbed his glass and moved past the two seats that separated them, sitting down in front of him. “You hated my fingers on your skin? I asked you before, Hoseok. To me it looked like you enjoyed it, I could see your reaction in your eyes, you wanted to touch me. But what happened to have you react like this now? I thought we shared a moment there.” The other man's lips were pulled into his mouth, the model’s attempt to hide his emotions as his hands stroked along the edge of his glass.

_This fucking snake._

“You're telling me I enjoyed you scratching me open then hearing that it made you feel better? Buy yourself a scratching post and don't talk to me,” Hoseok hissed before downing his cocktail. He started getting emotional and it was bad. Really bad.

“That wasn't even the point, I was fueling the tension, acting according to what you said without breaking it. Had I slapped you, it would have ended.” Inhaling sharply the black-haired man tightened his grip around his cocktail, fingers turning white. “In what world do you live in if you really believe that revenge is able to make anybody feel better?”

_Now he's rowing back after you told him the reason._

“You fueled tension? What tension?” Hoseok whispered and lifted his gaze slowly, letting it slide over the other man's jeans covered thighs, his slim waist and chest, stroking over his neck carefully before tightening his gaze on it. A sharp exhale followed and he returned his attention to his empty glass. “Why am I even looking at you?” he asked and looked at the other man like a hypocrite.

Hyungwon's eyes were wide and his lips were parted, not hidden from view but easily traceable with his gaze, a dark red color. There were shadows playing on his golden skin from the light spots around them. The other man wasn't guarding his expression this time.

“Because… this is the tension I mean,” the low voice whispered in reply as Hyungwon's second hand joined the other, curled around his cocktail glass, knuckles white.

“You think I will touch you? I won't. I also won't look at you or try to capture anything within you. I will remember the way you touched me, telling me how good it makes you feel and wish we'd never met.” Hoseok leaned in and stared at Hyungwon's face, breaths picking up and fingers curling into fists.

“The way I touched you isn't what made me feel good. The way you looked at me did. I…” The black-haired man swallowed but didn't break the eye contact, lips trembling. “I was curious whether you were going to break your gaze and touch me, because I didn't want you to.”

_Fucking snake._

“It's remarkable how much of a manipulative bastard you are. I'm impressed.” He stood up and glanced down at the beautiful, soft face that didn't harbor what it promised. “Find yourself someone else to play with and stay away from me, if you don't want me to touch you,” he heard himself hiss, remembering that the snake hugged his daughter. “And don't you dare come near Amelie.”

“You can't forbid me to befriend a person that isn't you. Make your own decisions, but don't force them on others.” There was hurt on the other man's face until he masked it as he did with everything else, swallowing and taking a big gulp of his Mojito.

“If you break even one hair on her head, I'll kill you with my own bare hands,” he whispered and meant every word before walking back to the elevator and going down to his room.

His blood was still boiling when he lay down on the bed and had flashbacks of what he saw when he looked at Hyungwon. There was a problem with his special way of looking at people, the sight was so intense that the pictures stayed in his memory, colorful and vivid. He hated it.

_You should have looked outside. Now there's more of him in your head._

He wanted to wait until Amelie came back, but his eyes fell shut in a matter of seconds, accompanied by the ridiculously detailed view of Hyungwon's clothes and the badly blended makeup on his neck.

***

Hyungwon hated it when his mood was compromised in a matter of seconds and instead of being his gorgeous, composed self, there was only an emotional mess with smudged makeup. He hadn't cried or anything equally pathetic, but it hurt that he attempted to be genuine with the other man to solve the conflict only to be told to fuck of with different words again. At first he had thought that the photographer understood him, blessing him with that intense gaze of his.

_But he only made you vulnerable to step on it again._

Hyungwon felt anger return as he resisted the urge to punch the bathroom window he was staring at. After all, the hotel property was not the cause of his outbursts.

_You need to do something about it, you can't just go on like nothing happened._

Reapplying his lipstick and fixing the smudged makeup on his neck, Hyungwon took a few deep breaths and thought about what options he had to confront the other man without the risk of him escaping.

_You might have to ask Kihyun._

After changing his outfit to a gorgeous white shirt that emphasized his waist and tight suit pants that hugged his legs like a second skin, Hyungwon felt recovered and attractive enough to go out and see people. He was lucky that Kihyun had given him his phone number and later on his hotel room number in case they wanted to have a drink. The photographer was particularly fond of drinks.

Smiling widely because he hoped to return his positive mood and good feelings, he made his way two floors down to get to Kihyun Yoo’s hotel room, in the hopes of getting some info about the best way to contact Hoseok.

_He even forbid you from seeing someone else’s niece. That’s simply ridiculous._

Hyungwon understood that the girl was absolutely loveable and deserving of protection, but the way Hoseok had reacted upon seeing him with her made no sense whatsoever. The black-haired photographer had looked scared. One might have thought he was her bodyguard, making bullshit rules and forcing her to do things she didn't want to do. It was hurtful too because he genuinely liked the little girl, he had no ill intentions towards her. Hyungwon still had the picture, standing on his nightstand.

_How terrible does he think you are that he thinks you could hurt a child?_

Suddenly the door of Kihyun’s room opened and Amelie jumped out, chuckling cutely. Hyungwon’s face had an immediate glow up as he smiled, unable to contain his happiness and surprise.

“I'll go back and see whether dad is back and come again if he isn't.” The girl waved with a key card at Kihyun before turning around and finally recognizing him. “Hyungwon!” she exclaimed and hugged his waist, burying her face in his stomach.

Chuckling, he wrapped his arms around her and bent his knees to hug her tightly.

“What a surprise to see you here, pretty! Did your dad bring you along?” he asked and kissed both of her cheeks in greeting. She was dressed more formally, wearing a black dress that was dirty at the hem, probably from crawling around.

“Uncle Kiki spent the whole day with me while dad relaxed a bit, he doesn't feel well with a lot of people, so he was by himself. I guess he is back by now, so I wanted to go to my room. Do you want to come along?” A bright smile spread the girl's pale cheeks as she pointed at the room two doors further.

“Oh? So close!” Hyungwon exclaimed and laughed briefly, stroking over Amelie’s head. “If your dad is so stressed by people, then maybe we can make it easy for him and I can take you to the fashion show tomorrow? You could look at the runway and sit with me when it's not my turn. How does that sound?” The idea was utterly spontaneous and Hyungwon had never taken anybody backstage before, but he couldn't imagine that anybody would mind a gorgeous little girl.

“I'll sit with him while he takes pictures, but he doesn't take them all the time, so I can talk to him. He will miss me if I'm gone for too long.” The child smiled and pulled at his hand, gesturing to come along.

“Oh, that's too bad. To be honest, I used some contacts to have a particular seat next to somebody and can't change it anymore. But hopefully I can see you from the runway. I guess I can also come along and meet your dad.”

_You made sure to sit next to him to be able to talk, but that didn't go too well today, did it?_

Hyungwon followed the light pulls and forced himself to forget about his argument. Hoseok didn't want him to be with the little girl, but he couldn't give a single shit when she smiled at him like that and pulled him along. “Hopefully your dad won't get angry because I'm a stranger.”

“My dad- he might be a little scary sometimes, but he is actually the nicest person on earth. Really. Also you're not a stranger.” The girl’s words were barely a whisper as she placed the card in front of the reader and opened the door carefully, fingers tightening around his wrist. “Don't run away, okay? Friends don't run away.”

“They don't,” Hyungwon whispered back even though it was an arbitrary rule he had never heard of. He was a little worried that Amelie considered it necessary to tell him to stay.

_Doesn't speak well for her dad, does it?_

The light was on and the girl led him along the small hallway before peeking around the corner and turning around, smiling. Hyungwon felt like a dirty little secret.

“He’s sleeping,” she whispered.

_Oh._

“Are you sure we should disturb him then? Maybe I should come another day?” Hyungwon whispered back and gestured towards the exit. He really didn't want to intrude on anybody’s privacy because a little girl pulled him along. That really didn't sound like a good way to meet Amelie’s dad.

“No, it's perfect, because he won't get upset, at least not immediately. He looked really hurt, so I guess it's better if he sleeps.” The girl took off her black ballerina shoes and pulled him into the room. The bedside lamp was on and covered it in a warm light, a little golden. There was a figure on the bed, broad, lying on his back and still wearing clothes.

Hyungwon was just about to ask why Amelie’s father was hurt when they stepped closer and his eyes widened comically, air remaining stuck in his throat without exhaling any of the words he had planned on.

The man on the bed had black hair, curved lips, especially at the corners and a slightly pointy nose. Hyungwon knew the face better than he might have wanted to, familiar with the round chin and the broad neck. Hoseok's muscular chest was rising and falling calmly, the same way it had when the other man fell asleep next to him on set. The sight was gorgeous and peaceful, only his heartbeat wasn't, hammering in his chest and making him dizzy.

“Fuck,” he whispered and resisted both of his automatic responses. The first one was running away while the second was stepping closer and examining Hoseok's peaceful face. It was so different from the contempt Hyungwon had seen the last times they met. Only one thing didn't quite fit into the picture.

_She said that's her dad._

Holy fucking shit.

Hyungwon's eyes widened even further and he pointed at the man on the bed. It couldn't be that Hoseok had a daughter, could it? The other man looked super young and his behavior had been so different when they met for the first time, teasing and suggestive.

“That's- that's your dad?”

“Yes, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but you were fighting and I thought you wouldn't like me if you knew, but he asked me which picture I picked out of the ones he developed and I picked the coffee one and he told me that I did well, because he also likes it the most. He can't hate you that much, he's probably just hurt,” Amelie whispered quickly, still holding onto his wrist as if scared that he would run away as soon as she let go.

Hyungwon sank to the ground and wrapped his arms around her, it was more for his comfort than for hers, as he inhaled her flowery scent and tried to make sense of everything. Was Hoseok married while having side flings on work trips? It made sense and fit with the blatant lie that he didn't drink. However, Amelie also didn't talk about her mom much, so it was even more confusing.

_That's why he told you to stay away, she's his daughter._

“This is a really weird question, but how old are you, Amelie? Your dad seems really young,” he whispered before stroking over her head again and realizing that he didn't calm her down. “It's okay that you didn't tell me. He- he mentioned the picture before, so I'm sure he likes it.”

_It's the one at Starbucks, isn't it?_

“My dad is kind of old; he got me when he was 24. I'm eight years old and he is 32. He does look like a baby sometimes, especially when he sleeps,” the girl whispered and hugged him tightly. Hyungwon hummed in understanding even though he was surprised. Hoseok did not seem like a young father at all, drinking at hotel bars and taking models home. He had even wanted to take Hyungwon to his room, only to ditch him in the end. “He has a lot of pictures of you, Hyungwon. I also like the one where you look as if you're about to cry, but I wanted to show you a nice one, one that wouldn't make you sad, so I took the one with the cup.”

_It's because you were close to crying that moment, he caught it perfectly, the honest weakness._

“You've done well,” Hyungwon praised the girl while understanding what she was talking about, knowing that it was the moment Hoseok had forced him to respond with vulnerability and took a picture as a token. “I was really angry with your dad at that moment. But I'm not anymore, not really, because I know that he has a special way of looking at people. But I did something to make him really angry at me. I'm not sure I should be here. He might scold you.”

_He's really her dad. No wonder he's furious because he hates you more than anything._

“He is sometimes annoyed, but he never really scolded me, only when I almost got hit by a car. I don't think he will do it. He only said that it hurt him that I'm next to you.” Amelie leaned in to whisper in his ear, probably considerate of her dad sleeping.

_You hurt him, enough to share with his child._

Again he hummed, eyes constantly returning to Hoseok's sleeping form on the bed. He had wanted to talk to the other man, but this wasn't the situation he had anticipated. His fingers kept playing with Amelie’s dress as he furiously thought about what to do. Knowing that the other man even told his daughter that he was hurt caused guilt to well up in his chest, weighing him down.

_Did you really hurt him that much?_

Hyungwon was sure about his actions and had his reasons, but he wasn't an asshole. He was going to apologize if he had really hurt the other man to that degree.

“Do you think he would let me apologize?” he whispered and stepped a little closer, pulling one of the other man's shoes off his sock-clad feet. That must have been the most domestic thing Hyungwon had ever done, apart from that drunk CEO, he preferred not to think about. “He shouldn't sleep in clothes though.”

“I wanted to ask you…. “ the girl muttered next to him, before pulling the blanket over Hoseok who must've been so tired that he slept like a dead person. “What did you do for him to run away from you?”

_How to explain this to a child?_

Hyungwon licked over his lips and thought about how to bring his thoughts and behavior across in the least disturbing way.

“I… really don't like to be touched against my will. It comes a little with the job, you know? People touch you all the time when you are a model, but I really don't like it, it makes me feel like a thing and I'm sick of that. But Hoseok- I mean your dad, he didn't touch me, he only looked at me, really looked at me. Not many people do that.” He swallowed, feeling awkward to be explaining this to an eight-year-old. “I wanted to know whether he would still not touch me even if he really wanted to, so I provoked him.”

“Go to bed, Choux, it's late,” a low voice sounded from the bed and his gaze immediately settled on the black eyes that watched them from the bed. The black-haired man was awake, leaning against the headboard and observing what was happening in front of him.

Hyungwon panicked, heart beating so furiously that it almost hurt as he wrapped his fingers around the girl’s shoulder, as if she could save him.

“I brought my friend, dad,” Amelie whispered, playing with the bracelet he had given her back in Paris.

“Mhm, I see. Go brush your teeth first, I already put your toothbrush into one of the cups in the bathroom.” It was strange because Hoseok seemed calm in this insane situation. The girl nodded and smiled at him before entering the bathroom and leaving them alone.

“Are you still trying to pay me back? I'll give you the picture I took and you can leave me alone.” Hoseok looked vulnerable, as if the fact that he came with the girl sucked all the aggression out of the other man's actions.

“No, I don't want to pay you back at all,” Hyungwon whispered and convinced himself to step closer, sinking to his knees in front of the bed. It was the perfect height to look at the other man's face and his heart continued beating furiously in his chest. The older man lifted up on his elbows and observed him intently. His pale face looked a bit darker in the golden light and his hair wasn't as styled anymore after sleeping. He had dry lips that curved prettily at the corners and Hyungwon realized after looking closer how similar the lip shape was with Amelie's. Hoseok wasn't smiling even though it looked like it, at least a little.

It was the perfect moment, as close as he was possibly going to get before the black-haired man tried to force him out of his life again.

“I want to apologize for hurting you. I'm sorry, Hoseok.”

_You didn't even know that you hurt him in return, it hadn't been your real intention._

“You're sorry? It's okay. We didn't have a nice start, you and me. I think we are not good together and keep pulling out each other’s weaknesses and stomp on the vulnerability until it bleeds. I'm sorry for taking that picture. I'll give it back,” Hoseok whispered quietly, low voice barely reaching him as the black eyes fluttered shut and the black-haired man exhaled.

_But you don't want to stay away anymore, something changed and it’s not only the little girl._

“I don't mind you taking the picture anymore because I know that you didn't judge me for what you saw. I thought you wanted to see my weakness and make fun of it, but you appreciate it. That was the reason for being so fascinated by your gaze and how you look at people. You didn't judge or detest what you see, you didn't want to touch and ruin it. I couldn't believe it, so I provoked you. I'm sorry.” It was a relief to apologize, to admit that he must have hurt the other man enough to avoid him and lose composure around him. It hadn't been Hyungwon's intention and finally having the chance to solve it was like a stone that lifted off his chest. “You can keep the picture. It is yours.”

“It feels burdening to know that I took something that you didn't want to give. I don't need things like that. I also don't want to look at anything. To be honest, I'm just exhausted from all of this.” The photographer lay back on the bed and turned his head to face him again. “Don't kneel, it doesn't suit you. You are more the ‘jumping up and biting into one's neck’ type.”

The words hurt a little even though Hyungwon couldn't pinpoint why. It must have been the fact that even an apology didn't result in them making up, not really at least. Whatever he had done, it was enough to quench all desire to interact with him, even if the hatred was gone.

_However, you know that hurt stays, it takes a lot to get rid of it._

“It might not suit me, but I still apologize when I've done wrong, I'm not an asshole,” he murmured and stood up, sitting down at the edge of the bed. It felt intimate because of his position and how dark it was. “You have a charming daughter, Hoseok. At first I didn't know that she was yours.”

_He seems too young to have an eight year old daughter._

Hoseok sighed and pointed at the bathroom. He looked tired.

“She's sitting behind the door with her ear pressed flat against it to hear every word. Nobody brushes their teeth for such a long time.”

_They don't. She is probably hoping that you make up; she must have known that you argued._

“But they should, those fuckers don't shine bright all on their own,” Hyungwon commented and chuckled, imagining the little girl attempting to eavesdrop. “I can take care of her if you like and you can continue sleeping. But take off your clothes or you’ll feel like you were chewed up and spit back out.”

“It's fine, it's late, she needs to sleep too. To be honest, I really don't want to take anything from you.” Hoseok lifted his upper body from the sheets and started unbuttoning his shirt. Hyungwon felt terribly out of place, like an accessory that nobody bothered to wear. He hated the feeling, but Hoseok was so tired and at the same time resigned that he couldn't really be angry at the black-haired man.

“Go to bed Choux and stop listening, nothing will happen, don't worry,” the older man said loudly before the door opened and the girl appeared wearing her pajamas. Running towards the bed, she jumped on top of Hoseok and covered his face in kisses, pushing him into the mattress. It was adorable and he bit his bottom lip to suppress a smile. He should have left a long time ago.

“Be nice, dad,” she murmured, “Good night and I love you.” Stretching out her hand, Amelie glanced over at him, slightly ashamed. “The dream.”

“Here.” Hoseok acted as if he caught something from the air and put it into the girl's palm. “It's an especially nice one. One that protects you from nightmares.” The beautiful child smiled and turned to him, pressing a short kiss on his cheek and running off with the caught dream, before the door to the neighboring room closed with a loud sound.

Hoseok sat up and finished unbuttoning his shirt, letting it slip down his broad shoulders and pool at his wrists.

“I think I overstayed my welcome,” Hyungwon whispered and stood up from where he had been sitting on the corner of the bed. It felt strange to see the other man with his daughter, tender and affectionate. It seemed rude to intrude, so he sucked his lips into his mouth to hide his expressions and how lonely it suddenly felt and glanced at the black-haired man’s naked chest and attentive eyes.

“It's still there,” Hoseok whispered, looking right to the core of him.

“Sometimes I wish it wasn't,” he replied quietly and made his way to the door, opening it as silently as he was able to. “Goodnight, Hoseok.”

It was moments like these, when Hyungwon spent time surrounded by people and saw their affection for each other, that he realized how little of it he had of his own.

***

“Did you make up?” Choux held onto his hand and jumped around him on their way through the venue. He still had a painful pulling inside his chest from the night before. The night where the black-haired man kneeled in front of his bed and apologized for hurting him.

_It hurt._

The apology was painful too because he had to admit that he had been hurt by Hyungwon's actions, that there was no neutral nothingness he would've preferred to feel instead of the uncomfortable pulling inside his chest and stomach.

_The depth is still there too._

The way the black-haired man looked at him, the vulnerability and the loneliness were breathtaking.

_You keep returning your gaze to him._

“There is nothing to make up. For making up there has to be something first,” he murmured and stroked over his daughter’s hair.

“Aren't you lying? He said that he provoked you but you took pictures together, they're all over Paris. You also have so many on your other camera. I saw them. You must've liked each other and became friends before he upset you.” Amelie was adorable, but unfortunately, she had no idea how adult relationships worked.

_Speaking of which, you shouldn't have any relationships._

“I'm not. I think there is something interesting about him, but he doesn't let me see it without getting emotional and trying to hurt me, so there's no future for us as friends. I won't be sad if you two are friends though, so don't worry. Is he nice to you?” Hoseok changed the topic before sitting down in his designated spot, watching his daughter stare at something before the little head turned to him, and she grinned brightly.

“Yes, he's the nicest and he even gave me a present. I'll go sit with uncle Kiki, he hasn't finished telling me the story from yesterday and I really want to know what happened in the end.” Only a few seconds passed before his daughter disappeared on the left side of the row, grey dress fluttering because of how fast she moved before she simply threw herself next to Kihyun and curled her arms around him.

Hoseok lifted an eyebrow, but decided not to say anything, concentrating on the settings of his camera and hoping that there would be something to see that was worth capturing.

He saw a motion from the corner of his eye as somebody sat down next to him, long legs crossing and shiny fabric of the black suit pants reflecting the light. He recognized the big hand immediately as it rested on the other man's knee and he drew circles on the cloth with his long fingers.

_He's stalking you, isn't he?_

“I expected to see the little sunshine,” Hyungwon commented and smiled briefly before returning his attention to the runway. The show was about to start and the model was dressed as if he planned to become a part of it any moment.

_Your fate is shit._

“She was supposed to sit with me, but changed her mind a few seconds ago. She’s with Kihyun.” Hoseok gestured to the left and lifted his cam, taking a test shot to check the lighting. “You can try sitting next to her and let the others shift one spot.”

“I'm fine next to you. I hope so are you?” Again the black-haired man smiled, elegant fingers brushing a single black strand away from his eyes. Hyungwon arranged it into his carefully styled hair that made him look mature. There was a delicate necklace around his long neck and a light top covering his shoulders and chest, cut like a spiral that enveloped his body.

He and his artistic mind had a short battle that lasted about three seconds, before he gave up and finally let his gaze wander up the model’s firm thighs, circling his waist and brushing along the collar of his shirt. Hoseok’s eyes slipped under the light fabric before following the lines of his collarbones and stroking up his golden neck, softly, slowly, before focusing on the handsome face. There were no words to explain how satisfying it would’ve been to reach out and smudge the makeup on the other man’s face, to free the golden skin and take away the pretense, to let his back hit the wall, feel the sharp exhale against his face, rough and raw. He breathed out and licked over his lips.

“Who knows?” Hoseok replied, finally lifting his gaze to catch the look in Hyungwon’s eyes.

The other man didn't reply, observing him intently as his chest lifted slowly, remaining in place for longer than one would have expected before exhaling again. Hyungwon held his gaze, wrapping his own around it as if he was reluctant to let the moment escape.

_He told you that he likes when you look at him like this. He’s enjoying it._

Hoseok decided to observe more. Leaning forward subconsciously, he concentrated his attention on the shell of Hyungwon’s ear, the way it was bent and how soft it looked. Stroking along it with his eyes only, he imagined tickling the spot under the cute earlobe with his rough breaths, tracing the model’s soft jaw and combining the light sensation of air against the other man’s mouth with licks of his tongue, warm and wet. Hyungwon’s lips were intriguing. So intriguing.

There was a gasp, masked by a pink tongue that immediately licked over the other man's mouth as he swallowed, adam’s apple bobbing. Hyungwon hid his reaction well, posture remaining straight and in control. Only the small glitches in the other man's gestures revealed that something was happening between them.

The way his eyes stopped, watching the other man’s heartbeat pumping blood through his jugular vein, Hoseok remembered how they lay next to each other, barely dressed with mounting tension and Hyungwon’s provocation resulting in his anger, mixed with arousal, his thoughts of how he wanted to jump the other man like a hungry animal and how he held back, throwing a pillow instead. His thoughts transferred into his gaze, intensifying and making his breaths hitch, before someone stopped in front of him, obviously trying to say something.

_Snap out of it, Hoseok. You’re not here for this._

The model bit down on his bottom lip and turned away, focusing his attention on the person in front of Hoseok before pretending that he wasn't listening, head tilted to the side and fingers stroking along his own lean thigh.

“Hoseok Lee, it’s been ages!” The guy’s face was familiar, but Hoseok had absolutely no idea where he knew him from. There could have only been two possibilities.

_You took pictures of him or you fucked him._

It was easy with pictures because he usually remembered the models he worked with if they left an impression.

_The second._

“I can’t remember your name.” He lifted his gaze and stared at the other man. He looked okay, brown hair and green eyes. “I do remember that we might have had an encounter, but otherwise I have no idea, sorry.” Blinking a few times, he returned his attention to the camera in his hands and checked the picture he took. The lighting was okay, but he needed to adjust the brightness to capture the clothes and the faces at the same time.

“Uhm, it was literally a month ago? How can you forget? I thought you might consider doing a pictorial with me, I worked on the stuff you told me last time about my expression.” The low voice didn’t leave him in peace, so he glanced up again, trying to come up with a nice reply.

“I forgot because it wasn’t impressive. I won’t consider a pictorial with you and I don’t think you worked on it.” Tilting his head, Hoseok looked at the guy again, to be fair. “Nope. Have a nice day, there are a lot of cool photographers here who have different standards, I’m sure you can find someone.”

_Was that mean?_

Not really, he was honest and the shocked expression proved him right. People hated the truth. Finally, the guy left and Hoseok glanced to the left, past Hyungwon, to find Choux, who tried her best to braid Kihyun’s hair. Marvelous.

“That was pretty harsh; you might have crushed somebody's dreams just now. Wouldn't constructive criticism be better?” Hyungwon asked next to him and shifted on his seat, observing him for a few moments before following his gaze. “You're not as harsh with her, are you? Humans are fragile souls, even if ridiculously selfish.”

_People are so quick to give advice._

“Imagine an aquarium,” he started and lifted his gaze, focusing it on the other man’s big, coffee-brown eyes. “The aquarium is filled with shrimp, it’s so fucking full of it that you can’t see anything. I know that there are fish and I’m interested in fish only, but those shrimps always appear in front of my eyes pretending to be a fucking fish, as if I can’t differentiate between them. I don’t have much time and I can’t hold my breath for too long, so I just want to see the fish without having to explain to the shrimp that he isn’t one. If I was smart, I would ditch the aquarium and only take care of my own small baby fish, but unfortunately my artistic mind doesn’t let me.”

Hyungwon let out a low hum before lifting an eyebrow and turning towards him. The lights were getting darker, so the other man spoke quietly, lips moving in big motions.

“If I borrow your metaphor, then I guess everybody is a shrimp to me, dressed in a fish costume and pretending to be something they are not. They come close and want things while pretending to be interested in what's under the costume, but it's all lies.” Chewing on his cheek, the model turned towards the runway as the first person stepped on it, a pretty woman dressed in a long black dress with a feather crown on top of her head.

Hoseok didn’t give a single shit and stared at the other man’s antics instead.

“Why do you think that I keep looking at you, even though I would prefer it if you weren’t there?” he asked, and blew into the small ear to get the attention he deserved without having to touch the slim shoulder.

Hyungwon turned towards him, lips caught between his teeth and eyes big as they watched him for a few moments before answering quietly.

“Because for some reason you're not interested in the shell, peeling it off with your eyes, bit by bit.” The eye contact broke, but it didn't look like the model was interested in the runway as his gaze stayed on his shoes until he finally looked up again. There was something intimate about his face, as if Hoseok had done exactly that, brushed off the outer layer. “I'm still trying to understand you.”

“It’s easy. I’m fascinated because even though I’m familiar with fish, I’ve never seen a Piranha around here.” A smile spread his lips and he looked away. He couldn’t determine whether it was okay to be honest, or if the said Piranha would take the information and bite him in the shin, but at that moment it seemed like the right thing to do.

“Sounds dangerous,” the black-haired man replied and returned his attention to the runway, breaths still quicker than they had been before their eyes met.

“It does. I like it.” Hoseok lifted the camera and took a picture of a woman wearing a jumpsuit. He liked her expression.

“I will have to go backstage soon, but I hope that you can tell the little sunshine that I'll try to see her later. If that's fine with you.” There was a small smile on the other man's face while he talked about Choux, hands relaxing and tension disappearing from his facial features.

_He likes her, but who doesn't?_

“You definitely talk like someone who has never been hit in the face with her fat dinosaur pillow, but sure, I will.” Chuckling, Hoseok stopped paying attention to his neighbor and concentrated on the catwalk, taking pictures once in a while. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much worthwhile.

“Thank you,” he suddenly heard when Hyungwon stood up, fixing his suit pants and preparing to leave. “For listening in the end.”

It seemed weird that listening was something he needed to be thanked for, but people were strange, so he nodded and crossed his legs to have more stability for his cam.

_He might look soft, but you know that there are sharp teeth behind those plump lips._

It was intriguing.

***

There was loud chatter around him as the models prepared to get dressed, throwing various expensive clothing items from their body to the chairs and back. Hyungwon was mostly occupied with finding his own stylist and getting the harness fixed to his clothes, to avoid it slipping to less optimal places as he walked. The transparent shirt wasn't the most comfortable, especially against his nipples and in the hot spotlights, but it looked good. Spreading his legs to be shorter, he waited for the short woman to fix the blush on his cheeks and adjust a few strands of his hair.

Hyungwon was surprisingly distracted considering he was about to go out on the runway. His thoughts wandered to his conversation a few moments ago, to the photographer’s fascination with particular people and his blatant ignorance towards all others. Hyungwon wasn't the nicest person, especially not away from the set, but he knew how much being told that you suck could hurt. He had experienced it first hand when he started.

_You would have never thought of yourself as a fish before, but he seems to be convinced._

Hyungwon's skin was still prickling after the other man's intense gaze, the way he stroked his neck and shoulders with his eyes alone. It felt so real that his body responded, cheeks heating up and heart hammering furiously. He wasn’t in the right state to go out on the runway, but he couldn't change it anymore. His mind didn't want to let go.

_He called you a Piranha._

Chuckling, Hyungwon fixed the fabric on his arms, pulling it down to make sure there were no wrinkles. He had been called a lot of things during his career, but a Piranha was new. It sounded dangerous.

_If only they weren't so ugly._

Sighing, he checked his hair and makeup for the last time and got in line behind a gorgeous, tall woman with nice round shoulders and short black hair. It wasn't typical and Hyungwon liked the mix in models for this year's show.

_He's not interested in your appearance, is he? He wants to take off the costume, but what does it give him? Knowledge?_

Hoseok didn't seem to take him for a trophy, something to place on his shelf and forget about. The other man did not intend to get closer than they already were, not beyond the eyes that kept pulling his clothes off and stroking along his skin.

_It's complicated._

Hyungwon wasn't too sure what it was that he wanted himself. Did he like being stared at? He did, but he still didn't want to be touched, not in the way most men planned on touching him. There was nothing to be gained from the encounter, so he wasn't interested.

_But it's different with him, isn't it?_

It was, it felt like Hyungwon got an insight under his own skin, felt the beating of his heart and excitement he wasn't familiar with. The only problem was that Hyungwon had no idea how the other man's daughter played into the whole thing. She was lovely and he enjoyed talking to her, but she also didn't fit into the equation of the tension between them.

_He's raising her alone, isn't he?_

It sounded tiring and might have explained why the black-haired man had no energy left for being polite, spending all of it on his beautiful daughter. Hyungwon was still confused about the lies and the ‘no drinking’ policy, but he had enough decency not to ask.

_Stop thinking and focus on your posture._

He pursed his lips and took a few deep breaths, waiting for the woman in front of him to step out before he followed a few moments after, focusing on the line he was supposed to walk while smiling playfully on his way. His outfit was playful after all. His eyes found the black-haired man even without trying. It must have been the gaze that found his in a matter of seconds, heating up his insides. He would have looked longer but the contact broke due to the object that lifted in front of Hoseok’s eyes, covering his face and taking his sight with the bright light of the flash that lasted for a split second before there was another.

Hyungwon followed his planned routine, smiling once more and posing while staring into the crowd instead of at the man that kept grabbing his attention. There wasn't much time to change into the next outfit, so he turned and focused on his steps as he walked back. Only when he was away from the lights and already had hands pulling at the fabric on his skin he released the breath he had been holding, heart louder than the music in his ears.

_You're not at the age to be excited anymore, are you?_

He wasn't, so it was time to turn the whole thing around and play. He knew what Hoseok liked to see, the honesty the other man enjoyed, so Hyungwon was going to provide it, small bits that the photographer could attempt to catch.

His next outfit was less revealing but hugged his ass nicely, perfect for the routine and the expressions he had planned. Confidence returned to him as soon as the lights were on him and his eyes found Hoseok easily, teasing the other man with what he liked to see.

_The inside of your shell._

The shutter went off again among all the others, but he could get a glimpse of the dark eyes and a smile that played around the other man’s lips as he looked at his preview after photographing him.

_He likes it._

Hyungwon smiled and continued to grant small bits of his authentic self with each new outfit he wore. On his last runway walk, he remembered to blow Amelie a kiss before disappearing behind the curtain, steps light but sensual at the same time. He had a little bit of time to switch before the change of models and hurried up to return to his seat and get rid of the excess of makeup. He still wanted it to be perfect but the bright colors weren't necessary anymore. Once he looked natural but gorgeous, he waved at his stylist and returned to the hall, quietly looking for his seat.

He couldn't resist the grin once his eyes fell on Hoseok and the way the other man looked at him, intensity returning with each second that his dark eyes stayed on his body and face.

“You look better like this,” the photographer commented, before simply lifting his camera and taking a picture, all of it in a matter of a second.

_He's fast, he probably caught all the moments you gave him._

“Without the glitter?” Hyungwon asked and pointed at his eyelids before laughing and throwing himself into his seat. “I like it light and natural when I'm off stage.” He loved the fact that the other man was taking pictures, because he knew what it meant. It meant that there was something to him, something worth capturing.

_Who knows, maybe he still wants a picture of you when you wake up._

“I prefer it when you wear nothing. No makeup and no clothes,” was the low reply, while the photographer glanced at him. There was something to the way Hoseok Lee looked at him and it had obviously returned after he apologized. Hyungwon loved it, he wanted those eyes on him at all times, and staring in the same way they did now, sliding along his neck. Hoseok must have had an affinity towards it.

“Would you like to take pictures?” he asked slowly and crossed his legs, leaning against the backrest while his eyes focused on the other man, watching the way breaths left the small nose and how the photographer’s lips parted. There was always tension between them and Hyungwon couldn't resist fueling it.

“The piranha wants to model for me? Without its ugly shrimp costume? What gives me the honor? Will you bite and eat me when I'm injured?” A smirk lifted one corner of Hoseok's lips as the older man licked over them. The gaze he loved so much accompanied the sarcastic words.

“You don't have to do much for it, only-” Hyungwon smirked and lifted his hand, pointing at Hoseok's eyes without touching the other man, motion delicate, “only look at me the way you do.”

The silence spread between the narrow spaces that the tension left, before the other man's lips moved while his eyes sunk into his skin like sharp teeth.

“I'll come to your room at five.”

“Can't wait,” Hyungwon whispered back and winked before focusing on the runway. None of the outfits could compare to the beating of his heart when the black-haired man ripped the layers of his clothes with his eyes.

_

The smile on Hyungwon's face had changed over the course of the day, starting with a grin at getting what he wanted to a soft smile as he passed the row of doors until he arrived at the room Kihyun Yoo stayed in. The other man must be a babysitter at this point.

Knocking on the dark wood, he waited for a few moments and hid the small bag he prepared behind his back.

A pair of dark brown eyes appeared before the door opened fully and he encountered one of his favorite photographers wearing pink unicorn pajamas and looking fucking ridiculous.

“Hey, can I help you?” the pink unicorn asked, visibly ashamed and accompanied by a quick noise as the blue eyed girl appeared between the other man's legs, meowing.

“Hello Mr. Unicorn, I hoped that l could borrow the cat for a little trip,” Hyungwon replied and winked at Kihyun to show him that it was fine. At this point he'd have worn a shrimp outfit if Amelie wanted him to. He really couldn't say no to children even if he was able to tell everybody else to go fuck themselves. Children didn't have a shrimp costume yet, they were all displaying their true selves.

“Look, it's the fish. Have you asked the tiger if you can borrow her? Because he'll bite off my head if I neglect my responsibility as an uncle.”

_Why the hell does he think you are a fish? At this point it's getting ridiculous._

“I'm no fish, but yes, I did,” Hyungwon replied and kneeled down to wrap his arms around Amelie and pull her away from the space between Kihyun's feet. She was still as light as a feather. “I even have a present for you, pretty.”

“He let you? Seriously though, he did?” Kihyun looked as if he heard something mind blowing and life changing. Hyungwon rolled his eyes before nodding. They had argued, but it hadn't been that bad.

_Lies, it was terrible and he almost had a mental breakdown after seeing you with his daughter._

“Yaaaaaass,” Amelie exclaimed and wrapped around him like a monkey. “We are going to the City in a bit, do you want to come along? Dad wanted to take pictures of someone, so we are going without him. He also said you're a piranha, that's why fish.”

_Amazing information to share with an eight-year-old, good job Mr. Lee._

“Did he now,” Hyungwon muttered and started to dislike all the stupid fish references. Fish looked dumb, super dumb. “Unfortunately, I'm going to have my pictures taken later, but I thought we can walk around the nearby park once and you tell me all about those exciting things you saw. How does that sound?” Again, he smiled before shaking the light blue bag with a ribbon that he had brought. “I'll also give you your present then.”

“I would love to,” the politeness returned and the girl climbed from his lap. “I'll go for a walk and come back, so you can take off the pajamas, but don't put it anywhere, we will need it later.” Amelie talked like a project manager accompanied by Kihyun’s sighs that sounded more amused than tired.

“But bring her back safely, or he'll kill you.”

“Roger,” Hyungwon replied with a grin before taking the pretty girl's hand and leading her towards the elevator. He was happy that he could spend some time with her and give her the present he bought.

“I wanted to thank you,” he murmured when they left the hotel building and crossed the street to the small park nearby. “Your dad accepted my apology, so now I can see you. That makes me really happy, so I got you a present.”

Seeing the little girl wasn't the only thing he gained, but Hyungwon decided it was better to focus on the stuff that was relevant for Amelie.

_You're never going to get used to calling Hoseok ‘your dad’, it’s plain weird._

“I told you he's actually the nicest person ever, but he said that to be nice you need a lot of strength, so he can't be nice to everyone. It's a secret and I only tell you because you're my friend but-” The little girl stopped and beckoned him, trying to reach his ear but failing with her short height.

_Yeah, he has to fight off all those shrimps._

Hyungwon chuckled and leaned down, humming to show that he was listening.

“So, after I told dad that you're my friend and he got sad, I saw him in the one room where he develops pictures, it has red light in it. He was looking at your photos for a long time, that's why I don't think that he hates you a lot,” Amelie whispered into his ear, moist air hitting his skin, before the girl leaned back and nodded with a serious expression on her face.

_Did he now?_

“Do you want me to tell you a secret too?” Hyungwon asked and smiled widely, curious about the girl’s reaction. Amelie seemed aware about Hoseok's affairs and very attentive.

A furious nod followed as the girl turned to him with one of her protruding ears. She must have inherited them from Hoseok too.

“The person that your dad is going to photograph today is me,” he whispered and leaned back again, bright grin on his face.

The child looked hilarious, mouth wide open and huge, blue eyes staring at him in dramatic shock.

“Oh my god, is this true? Was it because you apologized yesterday?”

That was more difficult to explain.

“I think it's because we sat together today and I showed him what he likes,” Hyungwon explained and brushed through his hair, feeling a little awkward. It sounded weird, but luckily, Amelie wasn't a judgmental adult. “Are you ready for my present?” Leading the little girl to a bench, he gestured for her to sit down and handed her the bag.

“Well, I guess I deserve the present because the reason for you sitting together was that I saw you approaching and ran off to Kiki.” Grinning brightly, Amelie clapped her hands in excitement. “What is it?”

Hyungwon took out the small communication devices and pointed at the picture on the packaging.

“It's a way for you to talk to me, if you want to of course. You have one and can write messages into it, like a phone, and I'll get the messages and can reply. Do you like it?”

“This is the best, oh my god. Dad doesn't allow me to have a phone even though I begged him one thousand times, but this is almost like a phone! Thank you so much!” The tiny arms curled around him and the girl jumped from excitement. “Ah, I saw you on the catwalk today, you looked really pretty. Do you have a girlfriend?” A second passed before Amelie slapped her forehead lightly. “Or a boyfriend?”

_He must’ve taught her that both is possible._

Hyungwon smiled again and shook his head. He really loved how Amelie spoke French, well pronounced but a little high pitched. “No, I don't have either unfortunately. I'm all on my own with my favorite Bordeaux.”

“Bordeaux? What's that? Oh wait, wine? My dad also liked wine but he stopped drinking after mom moved out. If you're lonely, you can marry me when I turn eighteen, because then I don't have to ask him if I'm allowed to.” Amelie played with her black hair, scratching over the package with the beeper.

_That escalated quickly._

“Ehm, you could also find somebody who is your age and treats you well,” he replied with raised eyebrows, not used to sudden marriage proposals.

_She also said her mom moved out and he stopped drinking. He didn't, but maybe he avoids it at home because of her._

“Have you been alone with your dad for a long time?” he asked to not be too obvious about his question. He didn't want to upset the pretty child.

“I don't want anybody my age, they are all idiots.” Amelie huffed, before focusing on her hands and replying quietly. “I think I was five when it started? But I don't remember it well only when mom moved out. It was two years ago on dad's birthday, he doesn't like it, so we act as if he's born on the same day as me, even though it's not true.”

Hyungwon's breath hitched from shock, eyes widening as his arms wrapped around the little girl almost automatically. That must have been so terrible; he never had a father and had always been convinced that the men were the one who left.

“But isn't it nice? Then you can give each other presents and nobody is left out,” he commented with a smile and placed a kiss on Amelie’s forehead. “Your dad is also really good at taking care of you. I mean, wow, look, you're even here in Milan with him! That's really amazing!”

“He worked more before, but now he can't anymore because he doesn't always want me to be at my grandparents’ place. He should also stop drinking so much coffee because it's bad and tastes bitter and he never invites friends, only Kiki and it doesn't count because they are cousins. But I guess it's still better for him than when mom was with us, it made him so unhappy, now he is only lonely.” Sighing, the little girl sucked her lips into her small mouth and looked at her present again, probably to cheer herself up.

_He's lonely too even though he has her, a literal sunshine._

He had thought that having a person that cared made a big difference; similar to the way he had felt excluded when he left the older man's hotel room the night before. But there was apparently much more than meets the eye.

Hyungwon swallowed and couldn't remember the last time he wanted to have more time for other things apart from work. He couldn't believe that Amelie shared details about her life so easily, talking about Hoseok and his divorce and how badly the other man had taken it. He thought of telling the little girl about his own experiences, but couldn't bring himself to mention it.

“Well, now you have me as a friend, so maybe I can visit?” he tried and hugged the small girl again. “I could also take you for a day or two, I'm sure. I would only have to settle my schedule. Your dad raised my popularity, so life is easier at the moment.”

_Your apartment isn't child friendly at all, only expensive furniture and liters of wine._

“He won't allow that. At least he said that it's okay to be friends with you, so I'm happy. He will take pretty pictures of you. You are lucky.” Stretching out her hand, Amelie showed him thumbs up and jumped from the bench.

“Who knows, maybe I can convince him,” he muttered and held the tiny hand as he moved towards the exit of the park. It was time to take Amelie back to Kihyun and prepare himself to remove all the layers that he liked to cover himself with. “He’s not like the other people I know, it confuses me.”

_Maybe you are not the only one who wants somebody who looks past the shell._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Choux left with Kihyun and he spent the rest of the thirty minutes he had lying on the bed and looking at the previews on his camera that was about to contain more pictures of the black-haired model that he had a strange attraction to.

_It's more than just a passing interest, you keep telling yourself that it's intriguing, but you are not only fascinated by what's behind the shell, you want to know what his teeth feel like. How it feels when the piranha bites._

Maybe that was the reason for taking the pictures, for the gaze Hoseok kept on the tall man, for the pictures that flooded his brain as soon as the intensity spiked.

_No touching._

He knew, so it was okay. He was with Choux, so there was no drinking and no sex. It was a rule Hoseok had never broken before and he didn't plan on breaking it now either.

_Undress him and look what's underneath. Maybe it's not as intriguing as it seems._

His reasoning was shit and he knew it. Pulling a black shirt over his naked body and tightening the belt of his dark linen pants that felt especially nice against his skin, Hoseok was rather content about not being a model. That was the worst, having to wear uncomfortable clothes, not being allowed to eat or breathe and having their characters ruined until only a shell remained.

He took his camera and glanced at his watch that showed him that he was ten minutes late. Oh well, less time to be intrigued.

_You're excited._

He was, but he didn't want to let it show. Brushing his bangs in front of his eyes, he knocked on the correct door that he found without any problems.

There was a little bit of shuffling behind the door before the handle was pressed down and he met the model's bare face, eyes big even without additional color surrounding them and hair wet from a shower. The black-haired man hadn’t blow-dried it this time as it partially covered his forehead and hung into his gorgeous eyes. There were a few drops on his neck, running down and disappearing below white fabric.

“Come in,” Hyungwon commented with a smile and opened the door wide, revealing that he only wore a white bathrobe. Much like last time.

“Preparing to sleep?” Hoseok smirked and walked past the tall figure, inspecting the room, the windows and how the light fell on the bed and partially over the light brown carpet that was painted in the afternoon sunrays.

“Bed or carpet. Rather carpet,” he said and lifted the camera, taking a picture to see whether the sun was enough. “You look beautiful without makeup,” Hoseok added without lifting his gaze. He didn't need to look to know that he was right.

“Thank you,” the other man replied and smiled a little. “You happen to be the only person that ever said that to me, twice now.” Moving towards the carpet, Hyungwon stood in the middle of it and brushed his right foot over it. “You want me right here? Seated or lying down?”

“We are not playing the provoking game, so either you show me and I take pictures or you don't and I leave,” he whispered, focusing on Hyungwon's weirdly shy expression. “And I will look at you. A lot. It might get uncomfortable.”

It was quiet for a few moments as the black-haired man watched him intently and licked over his plump lips. Nodding slowly, Hyungwon reached for the belt of his bathrobe, loosening it with careful movements. The eye contact remained, followed by a small smile as the white fabric made way for gorgeous, golden skin, slipping down the other man’s shoulders and landing on the brown carpet. Hyungwon had a gorgeous body, broad shoulders, small dark nipples and a slim waist and continued into his round hips and endless legs. The model knew that he was attractive, playful smile spreading his lips.

“I like it when you look at me, after all that’s why I wanted you to come.”

Hoseok rolled his eyes, swallowing the comment about him literally saying when and where he'd come without Hyungwon being the one to initiate it, but fine. Whatever made the model's self-confidence spike up.

“To be honest, I feel stupid because my brain tells me that I should stay with the huge amount of pictures I already have in my head from looking at you like this, but my eyes want to look more.” Smiling a little, Hoseok stepped back and relaxed fingers of one hand curling around the edge of the desk while holding the camera in the other. His eyes were hungry, perceiving the other man's body whole, before focusing on the details, like how smooth his skin was, sandy color and probably soft to the touch. He also understood why Choux said that his stomach looked like a violin. The incredibly slim waist and the lines from his lean muscles could have been strings on an instrument.

“Then look more.”

A soft breath passed the other man's lips as he lowered himself to the floor and sat down on the carpet, legs still crossed. His long fingers stroked over the brown fabric until they reached his own lean thigh, travelling along it. The touch was tender and curiosity accompanied it, filling out the black-haired man's eyes.

_Oh, fuck._

Hoseok wasn't ready to look at Hyungwon touching himself, but his gaze followed involuntarily, head tilting to see better.

_What a tease._

“Will this be a not safe for work pictorial?” he whispered and sunk to the floor to get a better angle before leaning in and capturing the long fingers around naked skin. Usually he only did faces. “You make me curious, what is it that you want? For me to throw another pillow?” Hoseok put the camera to the side and stared, gaze gaining intensity with every centimeter of skin that he saw, like a sports car accelerating.

“I just like the way you look at me, I can feel it,” Hyungwon whispered and slid his hand over his thigh to the knee, sinking the tips of his fingers into the smooth skin. The lean chest rose and fell a little quicker even though the black-haired man only played with his thigh, no more. “Do you want it to be not safe for work? I thought I'm simply showing myself.”

“It was a joke.” His lips moved and he could hear the sound, but Hoseok only registered the input from his eyes that were all over the slim body.

_It's as if he does with his hands what you do with your eyes._

“What is it that you're trying to show?”

“Your touch,” Hyungwon whispered and stroked along his chest all the way to his long neck, scratching over it lightly. “I'm adding another sensation to the way my skin tingles from your gaze alone.” The shadow that the motion created on the beautiful body was breathtaking, creating a few dark lines along the slim man's crossed legs. Hoseok hated him. Hated him for pulling the want out of his body, for making his skin tingle and blood rush through his system.

_Show him._

Hoseok leaned back against the wall and inhaled deeply. Licking over his lips, he let his eyes dig deeper into the golden skin that was shining under the last rays of sunshine. Overwhelmed by the intensity, he almost grabbed Hyungwon's chin with his eyes and let go for a brief moment before sinking his gaze into the other man's neck.

Hyungwon observed him, following his gaze to his chin by stroking along his jaw line with careful fingertips and finally burying his nails right above his jugular vein, sliding along the delicate skin. A gasp left the pale lips and Hoseok could see how the beautiful man's thighs tightened at the sensation, loosening their cross formation.

“Don't hurt yourself, you fool,” he whispered, stroking over the red lines carefully, eyes repeating their path until they focused on the dark nipples, hardened and so gorgeous with the shadows that played along Hyungwon's skin. The spot was perfect.

The black-haired man released a shaky exhale and changed the way his hand moved, returning to tenderness and light touches. There was hesitation and teeth settled on a plump bottom lip. After observing him for a few moments Hyungwon finally slipped his hand down to his chest, stroking along his flat stomach upwards until he reached his nipples. Only the thumb touched the erect bud, rubbing over it briefly and accompanied by a moan that the other man suppressed by pulling his lips into his mouth.

_You can't be doing this, Hoseok._

“You don't have to do it,” he whispered and removed his gaze, concentrating on the camera in his hand that harbored one single picture. At this point Hoseok wasn't sure that he wanted to capture it, it was too intimate.

“I like it, but you're right, it might be… too much.” Hyungwon blinked a few times before meeting his gaze again. Suddenly a smile returned to the full lips and the gorgeous man placed his hands on his thighs, spreading them slowly. He was obviously aroused.

“Only looking then,” the black-haired man whispered.

_Shit._

Hyungwon was beautiful and he teased, showing his teeth briefly before hiding them behind his thick lips. Hoseok was burning from the inside, thankful for the multiple layers of clothing and for the rules, he made for himself when he had his daughter with him.

“Why do you like it when I look at you? Others look at you too. Comes with being handsome,” Hoseok muttered and lifted the camera, taking a picture of Hyungwon's face, illuminated by the red of the sunset.

“Because you look past the shell, I told you,” the other man replied softly and lowered his body further to the ground, back touching the carpet. Bending his knees Hyungwon looked at the ceiling, face changing as if he was gifting it to Hoseok for a picture, emotional and raw.

Lifting his camera, he hesitated for a second before releasing the shutter. He never did.

_Why?_

Because suddenly it seemed as if the pictures weren't the only things that he wanted from the person across from him.

_You're not supposed to want anything else. It was about art, always._

“But you hated me for looking past the shell.” His voice sounded quiet and low in the empty hotel room.

“But you didn't look past it to make fun of it.” The vulnerability stayed, accompanied by a tremble in Hyungwon's motions and a soft exhale as the other man slipped closer towards him, golden skin rubbing over the brown carpet.

“Why would I make fun of it? I make fun of the shell because it's cowardly to hide behind it and expect people to believe it. Mostly I don't care though, apart from when I see something interesting, like a piranha.” His gaze focused on the other man's face again as he continued to observe him intently, interested in what else would come out of the pretty mouth.

“Because most people step on vulnerability or use it for their own purpose. It's easier to be the one in control, isn't it?” Again, a smile danced over the other man's face, returning the feeling of danger that he evoked. “It doesn’t feel like you would touch me, or take whatever you want from me without a second thought.”

“I gave you the chance to sit on my lap, but you didn't do it. Ever since then I knew there was nothing like tension between us, so I accepted it. I have no reason to step on anything, if I hate something, I leave.” Hoseok would've watched Hyungwon for hours, preferably without being watched in return to concentrate better. His arousal started to calm down due to the topic and lack of provocation, so he was thankful for being able to get a grip on his thoughts.

“I’m never with someone, unless there is something to gain, it's hurtful otherwise.” Hyungwon swallowed before removing the emotions from his face, the hurt that had been present for a brief moment. “But let's not talk about this; I want you to touch me with your eyes again.”

Crawling closer, the black-haired man stopped in front of him, sitting on his naked calves his hands on his thighs. He was observing him carefully, small smile on his lips as if he knew exactly how Hoseok reacted to him.

“You don't need to be close for that,“ he whispered, voice getting lower automatically, and upper body leaning against the wall to relax his muscles.

“Then look at me,” Hyungwon breathed out and got up on his knees, watching him intently while a single index finger reached out and slid over his clothed knee and calf, barely tangible.

“You're demanding,” Hoseok replied smiling and straightened his posture, gaze wandering over the other man's lean chest, his gorgeous nipples that would feel so good against his tongue.

The black-haired man hissed, teeth nibbling on his lips as his fingers travelled back up his knee and stroked along his thigh, applying pressure while watching his face.

“I hope the scratches healed,” Hyungwon murmured and stroked along the area where the red lines had been, burning his skin.

“I have a scar. Do you want to see it and leave a signature?” Hoseok hissed back, rough exhale escaping his lips at the sudden touch.

“I want to see it.” The reply was soft, just like the touch against his skin, caressing the spot as if it was precious. Just the wrong one. Hoseok chuckled briefly and pointed at the spot on his chest.

“You’re a sneaky asshole, so you left it where everybody can see.”

“The worst is on your chest, really?” There was genuine surprise on Hyungwon's face as he let his fingers travel along his body until they reached the spot he had pointed at, caressing it sensually. “You must have sensitive skin for it to scar.”

His eyes never left the younger man’s face while his body reacted like a bushfire, taking everything along and burning it in the flames. At least Hyungwon hasn’t slipped his hand under his clothes, leaving the fabric of his t-shirt between them like a shield. He indeed had sensitive skin.

“You ripped it open. If you had killed me that night, the police would have immediately found you, you fool. Especially with that amount of skin and blood under your nails.” Hissing quietly at the touch, Hoseok shifted a little to increase the distance between them. “But I’m thankful that I didn’t kill you because I was close.”

“I didn't apply that much pressure, only enough to hurt,” the low voice whispered until the black-haired man suddenly added his second hand and used both to lift the shield that his shirt had been, slowly uncovering his chest. “Can I see it?” The slow motions were more torturous, giving his body more time to react, so he grabbed the seam and pulled the piece of clothing over his head, revealing his pale torso with three thin scars right under his collarbone.

“Please sign under it, now that you’re famous.”

It was quiet as Hyungwon stared at the three lines, taking them in with his eyes and finally his fingers as he reached out and stroked along each line separately, index finger gliding over it. Once he reached the bottom of the third line, Hyungwon took a deep breath and met his eyes.

“I will,” the model whispered before suddenly moving forward and covering the top of the lines with his thick lips, pressing a kiss to the area. His reaction to the sensual gesture was intense and so contrary to the way he was expecting himself to respond. A shudder traveled down his back and he gasped, trying to lean back, but only pressing his body against the wall without effect. His fingertips tingled with the wish to touch back, but he refrained, held himself on a tight leash and looked instead, breaths hitching and leaving him without oxygen.

“It was a joke,” he whispered.

“I know,” Hyungwon replied before adding another kiss to the middle of the lines. The beautiful man rubbed his lips over the hurt skin downwards until he reached the bottom and finished it with another touch of his lips, hot like a flame.

His wish to throw something against the wall was overwhelming, especially after Hyungwon simply ignored all his attempts to keep them out of dangerous territory.

“I’m sensitive,” he hissed, and almost reached out to grab the other man’s chin, but pulled his hand back and curled it into a fist instead.

“I feel it,” was the reply as the hot lips returned to his skin, moving over his chest and briefly brushing over his nipple. Hyungwon didn't use his tongue and kept all the touches light and tender, but Hoseok felt like grabbing his hair and pulling him off. Hyungwon must have enjoyed the way he reacted without touching him in return. He remembered the other man talking about not wanting to be touched. When he talked to Choux.

Sucking in a long and strained breath, Hoseok trembled a bit from the arousal and tension that kept growing between them, due to the difference in what they allowed themselves to do to each other.

_You’re not allowed anything, Hoseok. You’re here with a kid._

“I keep waiting for you to bite me, so I can throw you against the wall and blame it on my reflexes.”

“You only needed to ask,” Hyungwon replied, voice low and closed his lips around his nipple, teeth biting down just enough to reach the line of arousal without crossing over to pain.

“I won’t,” he replied before making a sound that was something between a hiss and a moan. “Why are you doing this? What are you trying to show me? I don’t understand.” He rolled back his eyes and slipped a few centimeters lower down the wall, legs spreading automatically and his hair rubbing against the tapestry.

“I'm not showing you, I'm trying to see,” Hyungwon murmured against his skin, lips spread in a smile. The other man's hands stroked over his thighs while those luscious lips continued brushing over his chest, wetting his nipple and teeth nibbling on his skin when he expected it the least.

_He is probably trying to see the moment when you crack._

Hoseok almost threw the camera, but got his shit together in the last second, before taking the white fabric of the other man’s bathrobe and throwing it on top of Hyungwon to not see his face. At least that.

“There is nothing to see, Hyungwon. Absolutely nothing.”

The touches stopped as the younger man fumbled with the bathrobe and removed it from his head, black hair ruffled up and a pretty blush covering his cheeks. He must have enjoyed caressing Hoseok despite smiling at his antics.

As if to tease him, the pensive expression returned, lips parting and eyes becoming vulnerable. Even Hyungwon's hands trembled a little as he swallowed and broke the eye contact.

“For you or for me?”

_Is he an asshole or a fool?_

_A piranha._

“For you, I can see your teeth perfectly well,” Hoseok whispered and leaned forward, leaving only a few centimeters between their faces. His breathing was rough and strained and Hyungwon must have felt it hit his skin. Focusing on the coffee-brown eyes, he returned the moisture to his lips and blew against the other man’s mouth before leaning back slowly.

The response was pleasing to observe, the gasp followed by fists that curled on the brown carpet, widened eyes and parted lips, red blush on smooth cheeks and goosebumps that began on Hyungwon's chest and continued all the way to his feet. Hoseok wanted to capture it, definitely, so he grabbed the camera and pressed the shutter before putting the bulky device in front of the gorgeous person across from him.

“You can delete it if you don’t want me to keep it, or I will give it back to you as soon as I print it. It’s yours, not mine,” he whispered, knowing well how vulnerable Hyungwon seemed right in that moment. “ But-” he found the other man’s big orbs and leaned forward again, making sure they were looking into each other’s eyes, “I want you to know, that you’re so beautiful like this.”

_You should have stayed with pictures._

***

Hyungwon had been excited, breaths stuck in his throat while his confidence returned the less time there was until Hoseok's arrival. He remembered the way the other man had reacted to him, how much he had wanted to touch him, but didn't.

_He preferred to move away, to put distance instead of touching you. That means so much._

His curiosity was still there and it was only intensified as soon as Hoseok stepped into his hotel room and undressed him with his eyes. Hyungwon couldn't help but follow the gaze, slide his bathrobe down his shoulders and show himself to the fullest extent, allow those dark eyes to penetrate through his shell and see what was behind it.

The reaction was the same, wonder, fascination and the yearning to touch him that Hoseok didn't act on. Hyungwon couldn't understand how the other man kept himself from acting, from touching him, grabbing a fistful of his hair and tilting his head the way he could tell he wanted to. There was so much restraint and tension between them that he couldn't resist himself, reaching out and touching the soft skin, the white lines that he had left on the other man's body. It was a mark that was going to stay, visible unlike the mark that Hyungwon had from before, an invisible one.

_He values what he sees and doesn't break it with his hands._

Hyungwon couldn’t resist tasting the smooth skin with his tongue, to listen to what sounds the other man was able to produce. He couldn't act on his own desires without expecting consequences, but the curiosity prevailed and he gave into his desire to nibble on one of those gorgeous buds that immediately produced a gorgeous hiss, like music to his ears.

_You're becoming obsessed with the way he looks at you, you shouldn't._

He shouldn't have, but still he continued, mouthing and kissing the warm skin until the black-haired man couldn't bear it anymore and threw his bathrobe at him, covering his face and everything that was happening around him.

_He says there is nothing to see and covers you, does he not want to look at you anymore?_

He could feel the hurt come to the surface, knocking on his awareness and causing his hands to tremble, but Hyungwon didn't hide it. He showed it all, knowing that Hoseok loved to see it, wanting to see the weak parts of him even though nobody else did.

His heart was hammering in his chest when the gorgeous, muscular man moved closer, holding his attention with his black eyes. Hot air tickled his lips and he couldn't hide his response, gasping and feeling goosebumps spread over his skin. His body responded with arousal and heat, but there was no way to hide it, not with the other man that close to him, lifting the camera to his face and capturing the moment. His breaths were ragged and fear spread through his limbs, cold and unpleasant as his eyes widened and he understood that Hoseok had closed his fingers around another vulnerable moment of his, one that he hadn't gifted to him on purpose.

His legs trembled due to arousal and his emotional response when Hoseok suddenly told him that he was beautiful, just like this.

_He likes you without the costume, without the shell, only you._

The words sounded too good to be true and Hyungwon remembered the way Hoseok had grabbed his chin to turn his face and enable to capture his expression.

“Are you lying to get to me?” Hyungwon replied as his lips pressed together and the colossal fear he hadn't been aware of crashed down on his mind and his self-awareness. He was showing Hoseok so much and the confirmation that the black-haired man enjoyed it was only the gaze, not the camera. How could he be so sure?

_You're only showing him more by reacting like this. Do you want him to see that badly?_

“To get to you? I have no reason to lie. The only person I lie to is my own child, and I have no reason to protect you from anything.” Hoseok's face changed and he took the camera, and clicked something before holding it in front of his face. “It's gone.”

“I remembered that you touched me before,” Hyungwon whispered and felt his fists clench at his sides. “It was a moment like this one.”

“Mhm, I did. I apologized. I was so fascinated that I didn't think about how it would make you feel.” Hoseok's movements were fast, grabbing the shirt and pulling it over his torso. The muscular man jumped up and glanced at him. “I deleted the other pictures too. Can't delete my memory though, sorry about that.”

“Don't delete it,” Hyungwon murmured and shook his head. He didn't know what came over him as he reached out and wrapped his fingers around the older man's wrist, keeping him close by holding on. “Don't leave either, I don't want to be hurt and hate you.”

“You can hate me, just don't be hurt, I'm confused and I have no idea what you want from me because you're not honest and I can't look into your head, I can only… watch you. You don't want pictures. Then don't ask me to take them because when I’m next to you, I don't even want to take any, but then I remember that it's the reason I came. That's why I said we shouldn't be next to each other. I love seeing you like this, but you hate it so much. We are at odds, you know?” Hoseok looked vulnerable, hand shaking in his grip.

Hyungwon stood up too, still holding onto Hoseok's hand and watching the other man intently as his heart hammered in his chest and ears. It was complicated and there was no correct answer to Hoseok's objection. Hyungwon loved being watched and observed, to feel the other man's eyes on him and be worth photographing.

_But you keep being afraid that he's photographing something terrible about you, the raw inside of the shell, not the one you polish and show him._

“I don't want to be like those models that look for your validation to become worthy, but it feels like you are the only one who is able to give it,” he whispered and couldn't help the way his lips trembled, face burning just like his chest did.

“But I told you that you're a piranha, that's why you don't need my validation. What I find fascinating about you is still there even when I'm not around and I've seen it often enough to know. I don't like the model business and I don't like models for personal reasons, so don't try to sell me anything I wasn't interested in in the first place. You can also just be my daughter's friend. It's fine with me. No need to make it complicated,” Hoseok whispered, but his eyes stayed on him, observing intently. They were close but the photographer seemed like he was getting further away with every word, increasing the distance between them.

_You can't let him, it's breaking something._

Hyungwon understood, he knew what Hoseok was trying to tell him. The black-haired man assumed that he was trying to keep him there by giving him the shell, the one thing he didn't want to have. It wasn't about his affection towards Amelie either, Hyungwon loved the little girl independent of his relationship to Hoseok and the way the older man's gaze made him feel. It was complicated but not because he was making it complicated.

He observed Hoseok and the way the photographer kept escaping him with every passing second, despite standing right next to him. There was nothing he could say to explain his situation because he didn't understand himself. There was nothing he wanted from Hoseok, not in the way that usually convinced him to bear touches, but he still wanted the gaze, to feel it on him and have those eyes touch him like hands could.

Holding his breath, Hyungwon bridged the distance between them. Their chests were brushing when he let go of Hoseok's wrist and circled his arms around the other man's neck, embracing him. He couldn't quite tell what made him touch the other man on his own, it must have been the way Hoseok stood next to him, distancing himself and reminding Hyungwon of himself and the constant loneliness he drowned in. For once he didn't want it, neither for Hoseok nor for himself.

A rough exhale brushed over his neck and he saw Hoseok circle his arm around him, but he couldn't feel it on his back, only against his sides.

“Don't worry; there are no pictures, so it never happened.”

Hyungwon didn't care whether there were pictures, he cared about what the other man was thinking, but he couldn't tell, not at all. The touch was barely there and so was the older man in his arms, slipping right through his fingertips.

“Is there something that you want from me, Hoseok?” he whispered eventually, nose exhaling against the other man's neck and lips grazing the soft skin.

“I would say no, but then why am I here?” Stepping back, the photographer chewed on his lips and removed his arms from his waist. “I'll go back, it's late. Don't be hurt, there's no reason.” Hoseok removed Hyungwon's arms from his neck and walked over to the door before turning around and watching him with the same intensity. It only lasted a few seconds, but it was enough to feel it. “I didn't lie,” the older man added and left.

Hyungwon still felt the tingling sensation move over his skin that Hoseok's gaze caused in him, stealing his breath away and mingling with goosebumps.

_If you were younger, you could have lied to yourself that it's the cold._

Unfortunately, he knew himself too well to fall for poor excuses, explaining away things that he wanted in order to forget about them. This wasn't such a simple case, there was no way for him to forget about it, to ignore the fact that Hoseok Lee was the only person he knew that was genuinely interested in his weaknesses and treasured them after pulling them out. It didn't make sense, the sudden tenderness which Hoseok treated him with.

_You have to keep this somehow, Hyungwon. This is the most alive you've felt in years._

Licking over his lips, he sighed and turned around, eyes falling on the black camera lying next to the brown carpet right in front of his bed.

_He forgot it, he was so distracted with you that he forgot his camera._

His steps were slow as he made his way towards the device, lifting it off the ground with careful hands and turning it on, hands shaking. It felt valuable even though he hadn't cared about cameras before, never beyond his photo shoots.

Pressing the preview button, Hyungwon slowly clicked through the mass of pictures that Hoseok had taken. None of them were him in his hotel room, showing the intimacy they shared. The only pictures left were of him on the runway, revealing bits of vulnerability for Hoseok to see and capture, a present that he gifted to the black-haired man. There were so many pictures beyond the runway, not only of him but also of others, brief meaningful moments in time.

_It's not only you, Hyungwon. He can see it in everybody._

There was a hint of a smile on his lips as he clicked through every picture, sitting naked on his hotel room floor and for some reason believing that his core was special and worth photographing. The black-haired man enjoyed seeing everybody’s core, not only his.

_Snap out of it._

It wasn’t like him to be melancholic and sit on a carpet while wallowing in depreciative thoughts, so he sighed at the futility of it all and carefully placed the camera next to him. It was precious and Hyungwon envied Hoseok’s ability to capture the good parts, the essence in others’ actions and gazes.

Suddenly there was a knock, careful but repeating endlessly. Hyungwon’s eyes widened and for a brief moment he thought of simply standing up and opening the door, handing Hoseok the camera and returning to his peaceful evening.

_But what if it’s not him?_

Chewing on his lips, he reached for his bathrobe and threw it over his shoulders, covering his naked body and tying the belt firmly around his waist. Moving towards the door, he tried to unlock it until he realized it wasn’t necessary and simply opened it.

He had to look down to see the little girl, blue eyes looking up at him and smile breathtaking.

_Thank god you put on the bathrobe._

“Hi Hyungwon! Dad said he forgot something and asked if I could get it for him.”

“Did he?” Hyungwon asked back and opened the door, a little uncomfortable because he wasn’t wearing make-up. It was different when it was Hoseok, the photographer had a strange preference for his bare face, but literally, nobody else did. “What did he forget?”

He obviously knew it was the camera, but he hoped to keep it for a few moments longer.

“He said ‘something precious’ but there are only two precious things for him, his camera and me. I'm here, so it must be the camera.” Amelie laughed loudly and walked into the room, looking around curiously before spotting the camera and immediately lifting it to her face, clicking on the preview. A few seconds passed before she lifted her gaze, disappointment written all over her beautiful face. Hyungwon could have never been fast enough to stop her without flashing the poor child with his uncovered thighs.

“You liars! You didn't take any pictures!”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened at the accusation and suddenly he felt impossible glad that Hoseok had deleted the pictures.

“We did, only he deleted them right after,” he murmured and stepped closer, glancing over the little girl’s head at the preview of him on the runway. “They were very intimate, so he decided not to keep them. I’m still unsure whether I approve or not.”

“But now they are gone. Did you fight? He didn't look happy at all. Usually he is super smiley and giggly when he takes pretty pictures, but this time he wasn't, so I thought you fought again.” Chewing on her lips, the girl hugged the big camera with both hands and looked up at him.

_She always speaks the truth, doesn’t she? He met you but he ended up devastated again._

“I don’t know. Something always happens between us, but I don’t understand it yet. I’m sorry that I can’t explain it to you,” he murmured and sat down on the carpet again, sighing loudly. “I wish he hadn’t left.”

“Ah, he always runs away, so people don't see him sad, especially me. I think he sent me to get the camera because he didn't want me to see that he was sad, but I know how his mouth looks when he is unhappy, so there's no point hiding it.” The girl held the camera with one arm and drew two bows pointing downwards while mimicking the expression with her own lips.

Hyungwon chuckled because it looked funny, even though the message wasn’t. It sounded cowardly to always run away, but Hyungwon was familiar with the desire to hide vulnerability. Hoseok was doing what he told him not to do.

_A hypocrite._

“You’re a very smart girl,” he muttered and stroked over Amelie’s black hair. The thought of having been naked next to the girl’s father was a slightly uncomfortable one and Hyungwon struggled to make sense of what he was actually doing. “Maybe he looks even sadder now, so sad that he wouldn’t want you to see it.”

“I know, that's why I'm going to stay here for a bit and then go back.” Amelie smiled beautifully and put the camera on the bedside table, before jumping on the bed. “You're my friend, so you shouldn't make my dad sad because it makes me feel bad too. But you won't anymore, right?”

“I think we make each other feel that way. I am a little upset too, but I am especially sad that he deleted the pictures and left.” Hyungwon moved closer towards the bed and rested his head on top of the sheets. “Maybe I can try to explain. He likes to see something that I struggle to show. I want to show it, but it scares me, so I get emotional when I do.”

“Ah, we learned about that in ethics, it's a conflict. You have to sit together, talk about your feelings, what you expect and then agree on a compromise. I can teach you how to do it! After you do that, you can be friends again.” The black-haired girl nodded and ruffled up his hair.

_That moment when an eight-year-old is smarter than you._

“That’s an amazing idea,” he whispered until he decided to be realistic about it. “The only problem is that neither of us know what we want and expect.”

“But don't you have a mind for that? You have to think about it. For example, I want the green onesie the girl on the runway wore, for my dad to be happy and a programmable robot. It's easy, you just have to try.” Suddenly the girl opened her mouth wide and pointed at his thigh. “Oh my god, are you not wearing clothes?”

_Well, fuck._

Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he reached out to pull his bathrobe further down.

“Y-yeah, I didn’t expect you to come, I’m sorry,” he murmured and suddenly felt guilty for not putting on something proper before opening the door.

_At least you don’t have to think about what you want now, it’s difficult and more complex than wanting a programmable robot._

“Did my dad take pictures of you naked? Is that why he deleted them? He always keeps the naked ones in a special closed up drawer, but I know where the key is,” Amelie grinned and wiggled her eyebrows.

_Dear god, she probably saw all of them._

“He- well, yeah. But he didn’t delete them because I was naked; he deleted them because I got emotional.” The same sensation returned to his chest and he glanced at the white ceiling, chewing on his cheek. “Are you sure you should be looking at those pictures?”

“How do you know that I looked? I only said that I know where the key is.” Looking guilty, the girl fumbled with her blue shirt. “Dad was probably curious after I said that your stomach looked like a violin.”

“I’m sure he was,” Hyungwon replied and couldn’t help but find the little girl absolutely adorable. “It’s okay that you looked at the pictures, after all it’s only the human body, right? It’s normal. You also have one.”

_Just hope Hoseok didn’t photograph people fucking._

“Yes, it wasn't interesting. I like the pictures of mom, they're also there, that's why I looked.” Jumping up, the little girl hugged the camera with both arms, walking towards the door. “But you can't tell dad, he'll be super sad.””

Hyungwon didn’t know what to say. It was scary how cheerful and nonchalant Amelie sounded when she talked about her mother. One didn’t need to be an expert to know that the poor child wasn’t able to see the woman that had given birth to her, secretly looking at pictures when she missed her. The longer Hyungwon interacted with Amelie, the more he received an in depth view of the other man’s life, more than Hoseok would have ever shared with him.

_He must be so hurt to hide them._

“I won’t tell him,” he replied and stood up to open the door for her. “Will you tell him that I would like him to come again?”

The girl nodded with a breathtakingly beautiful smile on her small face before turning around and running along the long hallway in the direction of the elevator.

_

Entering the elevator towards the upper levels of the hotel, Hyungwon genuinely wondered why it was so important that Hoseok looked at him. There were so many people that considered his body attractive and could look at him to their heart’s content. There was the perfect place for that and luckily, the hotel was able to provide it.

_The sauna._

Wrapping his extra-long bathrobe around his body, he smiled and joined a few gentlemen in the elevator, earning interested looks. He was used to it, so he smiled playfully and winked as the two executives left the elevator. His face was mostly bare with the exception of a little bit a foundation to keep his skin color equal and the gorgeous red that he smeared on his lips. Hyungwon felt attractive and everybody was going to see it.

It was an Italian sauna, so the genders were separated or wearing swimming clothes, so he was glad that he could enter the area for men and be naked while having curious eyes admiring him. He could feel the glances when he loosened the belt around his waist and hung up his bathrobe next to the sauna he had decided on. He liked it hot and enjoyed watching people give up before him, unable to bear it.

Grin in place, he opened the door and found an empty bench at medium height, placing a towel on top of it before lying down and bending his right knee. Hyungwon knew that he looked amazing and he wanted everybody else to know.

Some time passed and one of the men across from him left, making room for a pale, muscular body that he immediately recognized without looking up to see the face that was framed by wet, black hair.

Hoseok Lee loosened the white towel that was wrapped around his hips and sat right across from him, spreading his legs and looking at his feet without recognizing him.

Hyungwon stared, admiring the muscular thighs that he was already familiar with and watching as the sweat drops developed and rolled down the pale skin. His gaze travelled further, arriving between the other man's legs. The photographer had a gorgeous, thick dick, nice to look at even without an erection. Hyungwon remembered that first time they had talked, back in Madrid and how back then he had concluded that the older man had nothing to show. He had been wrong.

_This is the first time you are seeing him undressed._

His gaze wasn't like the other man's, he couldn't undress and touch people with his eyes alone, but he still enjoyed the sight, watching the drops of sweat and the way Hoseok's abdomen contracted when he leaned back. It wasn't how Hyungwon had expected to meet again, but he couldn't resist observing and taking in the details, to see what he hadn't been allowed to see before. Even in the dimmed light, the three white scars on Hoseok's chest were visible.

Brushing back his hair, the older man lifted his gaze, briefly looking around with a neutral expression on his face. Hyungwon would have called it ‘bored’. It changed as soon as the photographer recognized him, eyes narrowing and intensity spiking up as if someone had pressed a button. Licking over his moist, swollen lips, the black-haired man leaned back and spread his thighs, shifting on top of the towel.

_He's doing it on purpose, isn't he?_

He smiled and lowered his left leg, showing off his body and the line of his waist. He enjoyed being looked at and unfortunately, he loved being observed by the black-haired man the most. He wanted to return the intensity, to feel it again.

_You came here to feel the gazes, but he can make you feel even more than that._

Unfortunately, Hoseok didn’t share his opinion and looked to the side after basically digging his gaze into his sweaty skin and roaming all over it. His small eyes closed, followed by the smooth movement of the muscular body that lay on the towel. The older man bent one leg, probably to hide his gorgeous dick.

_He doesn't want to look at you?_

That was technically fine, but the photographer didn't even give him the opportunity to keep checking him out and memorize all those beautiful details.

He looked around to see who else was willing to take the hot temperature, there was only one older man, so Hyungwon used his skills and glared at him, with as much contempt as he could muster.

It didn't take long for the guy to turn around and be shocked by his expression, enough to feel uncomfortable and leave, towel in hand.

_Much better._

Smiling at his effectiveness, Hyungwon sat up and crossed his legs, still watching Hoseok intently.

“Now it's just you and me,” he whispered and uncrossed his legs, spreading them a little, enjoying the sensation of warmth spreading over his whole body. The temperature was hot, but he liked it and examined the drops that ran down Hoseok's temples.

“Is it? This is not how I imagined my relaxing trip to the sauna turning out,” Hoseok’s low voice replied as the other man turned and looked at him with only one of his eyes opened.

“How did you imagine it?” Hyungwon asked and showed more, legs spreading further and skin tingling in anticipation of the other man _really_ looking at him.

“Lying in the steamy hotness while having absolutely no thoughts.” The older man didn’t remove his gaze and only blinked once, opening both eyes and observing him intently. Hyungwon loved it, so he licked over his lips to return the moisture he kept losing.

“Do you have too many thoughts when I'm next to you?” he asked and stroked over his slim thighs, removing the drops that collected and enjoying the sensation. He was so thin compared to Hoseok, half of the other man's size. It was a little bit of a turn on if he was honest.

“I do. How about you? Don't you want to enjoy the hotness without some creepy dude watching you?” the older man chuckled and stroked over his chest, brushing over his nipple lightly and releasing a barely audible gasp. Hoseok must've decided that it was a bad idea and let his arm fall to the side.

Hyungwon chuckled because the other man had gotten him all wrong, expecting him to go to the sauna to soak.

“It's the reason I came, Hoseok,” he murmured and bit down on his bottom lip, this time he felt them tremble at the touch. His legs remained spread and he definitely liked the sight of Hoseok's body too much. If only the older man could stop hiding it. “To be looked at.”

Suddenly the curved lips spread in a grin and Hoseok seemed intrigued.

“But if I look at you I might pass out because all the blood will leave the important parts.” The words were accompanied by the other man's thigh sinking to the bench and revealing his gorgeous dick, half hard and absolutely perfect.

Hyungwon swallowed, too late to realise that it was blatantly obvious. His own body was quick to respond to the fact that his presence was enough to arouse the older man. He enjoyed the sight, staring for a while as he prepared a reply.

“I don't know a single man that passed out in the sauna because of an erection. I doubt you will be the first one,” he commented and winked, weight resting on his hands and thighs still spread. Inhaling softly, he lifted his right leg, bending it at the knee to reveal more of himself and his smooth skin. He wanted to play with the other man's response, see the want again.

“Ah, why do I keep torturing myself,” the low voice asked as the black eyes focused on him, stroking over his slim waist and closing around his nipples. Hyungwon loved it, so he allowed a gasp to escape his lips and leaned back on the sauna bench. It wasn't appropriate for the place they were in, especially considering his erection that filled out slowly and lifted off his stomach.

_But that's why you chased everybody else away, isn't it?_

“Because you like the way it feels,” he whispered and followed the gaze, brushing over his left nipple and moaning softly. It was much more than he usually did, but it felt all right as long as it was the black-haired man.

_Because there is no touching, only tension._

“Fuck,” Hoseok cursed and groaned, head thrown back and black hair rubbing over the towel-covered bench. The other man sat up quickly, so that they were sitting across from each other, wet, naked, aroused. “Let's not, huh?” the photographer asked, desperation seeping through.

“But why? Don't you like the way it feels?” Hyungwon asked with a smile and stretched out his left leg, stroking along the other man's calf with his toes and sliding further up. He kept looking into Hoseok's eyes, savoring the attention and the tension.

The dark eyes pierced his, reminding him of the moment he had left the scars on the pale chest, tension so thick that it was hard to breathe.

“No,” Hoseok hissed, gasping for air. “But you like watching, while feeling superior. Don't kid yourself, you're not.”

“I'm not, because I want you to look at me. I lose something as soon as you avert your eyes,” Hyungwon replied softly and let his toes rest on top of Hoseok's knee for a few moments before holding onto the edge of the bench he was sitting on and moving forward to be able to stroke along the firm thigh. It felt amazing to touch it and his eyes continuously slipped between Hoseok's legs and focused on the obvious sign that the other man was aroused, veins visible along the gorgeous thick erection. Hyungwon liked it even more when it was erect.

_You have an unhealthy fascination with him, don't you?_

Hoseok twitched briefly before pushing his leg from his knee and throwing half of the towel over his gorgeous groin and covering his obvious arousal. Hyungwon immediately pouted, disappointed that Hoseok robbed him of the sight. He wanted more, to feel those eyes while watching how the older man's body reacted to his own imagination, erection twitching and goosebumps spreading. Hyungwon wanted to know how Hoseok imagined it, whether he grabbed him clashed their mouths together, held onto his hands or pulled at his hair. He wanted to know it all.

Exhaling roughly at the tension mixed with thick air, he lifted his leg again, stroking along Hoseok's calf and moving back up to his thigh. He wanted to know how those hot hands felt when they wrapped around his ankle, stroked along his leg and sent pleasant shivers down his spine.

“You can thank the fact that I have Choux with me, because otherwise… ” Hoseok's black eyes roamed over his body and stopped at his neck, gaze narrowing while the older man licked over his lips. “Don't provoke me.”

Hyungwon attempted to keep his face the way it was, intrigued and with a smile, but his body betrayed him as his erection twitched and he watched Hoseok's muscular arms, imagining how those hands would feel on his leg.

_Now you are the one imagining._

He ignored the warning and he ignored the fact that the black-haired man had come to Milan with his daughter, slipping closer and sliding his foot towards the middle of the other man's body, enjoying the muscular thighs below it. His breaths were ragged and he felt dizzy. The image was so simple, only fingers on his skin and yet he wanted it so much, whole body burning up as soon as their eyes met.

_It's too much._

“Touch me,” he whispered.

***

_You're an injured cow and he's a hungry piranha, swimming around you, waiting for the right moment to bite._

When he went to the sauna, Hoseok imagined a hot nothing that would calm down his thoughts, instead he watched the black-haired model chase away the last person from the wooden bench, only to torture him, make him react, feel aroused beyond belief and ignoring his requests.

The sensation of the long foot, gracefully sliding over his wet thigh made him see black in front of his eyes with how desperate he felt wanting to jump the gorgeous man, to grab him roughly and to make him stop his provocations. Show him that he wasn't the one having the upper hand in this.

_You can't do this, you're with Choux._

The additional spike of arousal that was caused by the other man's long, gorgeous leg slipping towards his groin and moving under the towel forced a hiss past his lips.

“Touch me,” Hyungwon whispered and he was so close to giving up, to just grab the slim waist and pull the attractive body on top of his lap, sink his teeth into the soft skin and moan loudly when the firm ass rubbed against his erection.

_Fuck. You can't do this, Hoseok._

Letting out a rough exhale, he pushed the other man's long leg from his lap and stood up.

_Just go._

He should've, but he couldn't, instead, Hoseok stepped in front of the black-haired model and sunk down, catching the other man's hips between his arms that he propped against the wooden bench. As soon as there were only a few millimeters between his lips and the skin of Hyungwon's thigh, he blew air along it while moving up. He sucked in the intoxicating scent of the model's fresh sweat and his skin, without any bullshit he could've smeared on it. His lips exhaled against the tip of his erection, his stomach that flexed under his breaths, the dark nipples, the golden neck that smelled so good that he barely resisted biting into it and finally the lips. One last exhale followed before he licked over his mouth and focused his eyes on the coffee-brown ones.

“I won't touch you. Stop provoking me,” he whispered, glad that he managed to stay sane.

_You are insane._

He was.

Hyungwon was breathing heavily, eyes wide, lips parted and whole body trembling. There had been so much bravery in the model’s actions that disappeared as soon as Hoseok stepped closer, fueling his arousal and widening his pupils in a matter of seconds. There was so much to see on the other man's face, the raw want, the playfulness, the vulnerability from being affected and rejected. Hoseok could see it all.

“But I like this,” he pointed at the model's face, before leaning back and removing his arms. It was dangerous.

“Why… won't you touch it then?” Hyungwon asked, eyes wide and lips trembling as the black-haired man didn't move a single centimeter. The pink color on his round face was beautiful and the fresh sweat had washed away everything that could have covered it.

_Because you won't be able to stop._

“It's-” he started and increased the distance to reduce the likelihood of changing his mind. “A secret,” he whispered, smiling just like his daughter did.

The gorgeous man in front of him watched him for a few moments, chest still rising and falling roughly. Those coffee-colored eyes were focused on his, searching for something while pulling him in until Hyungwon suddenly turned to the side.

“You're meant to keep those,” Hyungwon murmured and some of the tension left his slim body.

“Mhm, I want to keep it to myself. You should be careful, you've been in here for a long time,” Hoseok commented before wrapping the towel around his hips and walking out. He needed a cold shower.

_

“Did you take pictures of Hyungwon naked? Why did you delete them? Didn't you like how his tummy looked like a violin? Did you fight? You should just talk to each other, then it will be fine, you know, in ethics Mrs. Thomas told me that… ” Hoseok sighed and couldn't help the way his daughter's voice started fading out while he stared outside and hoped that the staff would open the door soon, so they could finally leave the plane.

“I don't want to talk about him, Choux. He's your friend and you can be friends as much as you like, but I don't want to be friends with him and I don't want to talk about him, so please,” he begged and earned a dissatisfied expression, pouty lips and slim arms that crossed in front of his daughter's flat chest.

“That's not true. You wanted to take pictures and you said that he's a piranha, so you must like something about him. He told me that you both don't know what you want, maybe you need to talk about it, as I said, in ethics…”

“Choux, stop. I know what I want and he is not anywhere on that list, so you can be friends and keep me out of it, okay? Thank you.” Glancing in the direction of the exit, he stood up and took their luggage, the grabbed the girl's hand and moved along the aisle.

“You always say that. It's not fair.”

It was tiring, so tiring to deal with his own mess of thoughts, his behavior in the sauna, the fact that he tried his best to avoid the black-haired man, the excuses and the strange feeling that it shouldn't have been like this. Hoseok should have not given a single fuck and moved on, taking care of his daughter and taking pictures for his job.

_You're doing neither. Instead, you keep thinking about him and neglecting everything else._

It was unacceptable, so he cancelled three pictorials and made plans to spend time with Amelie in addition to doing his best at avoiding working with Hyungwon. It was so incredibly exhausting.

Hoseok wanted to go on a work trip again.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Hyungwon's alarm rang and just like every other day he wondered whether there was anything special about the way he looked when he woke up. A week ago, he had honestly considered satisfying his curiosity by recording himself once, but his brain told him very insistently that it was going to be a giant shit show with a lot of disappointment.

_You'd probably never let anybody stay over after seeing your squished face._

Hoseok had a special way of looking at people and Hyungwon doubted that he could recreate the effect with a shitty camcorder. It wouldn't do it justice and he'd only end up hating his looks.

Sighing loudly, he threw the blanket to the side and immediately examined his puffy face in the big full size mirror across his bed. It was gigantic and back then he had bought it to know what he looked like while having sex. A very plain and observation-driven thought.

His cheeks looked like shit, so he quickly washed his face with cold water and went through his typical skin care routine. It wasn't really necessary as he had realized over the two days that he barely slept and had no time for anything including food.

_But you still like to calm yourself by taking care of the way you look._

If appearance gave you your job, you have to take care of it.

Remembering the new addition to his routine, Hyungwon smiled and walked back to the bed, taking a look at his kid’s pager and whether Amelie had written him a message. He would have been very surprised if not.

As expected there were three messages, starting with ‘I had an amazing idea today in the morning while talking to dad, he asked whether I'm visiting one of my school friends and I said yes.’ Amelie’s grammar and spelling were a little off sometimes, but Hyungwon thought that was rather cute. Another message followed, ‘But I don't like the kids at school so I'm going to visit you instead please write when I can visit you and where you are living.’ The little girl ended the stream of information with ‘I only have time after school.’

_She's so adorable._

Still smiling, Hyungwon took out his schedule and checked when he would be done with his morning pictorial. It wasn't anything complicated, only an underwear shoot and the only stressful thing about it was not eating. He was probably able to finish that quickly and have the little girl over.

Taking a detailed look at his apartment and the arrangement of the things he owned, he wondered if it was even suitable for kids. He had a gigantic collection of wine bottles, covering one of the walls in his living room and there was an empty one on his small living room table next to the couch. Hyungwon had enjoyed it the evening before to fall asleep easily, after all, today was one of those days he had to get up early.

_Your apartment isn't suitable for kids at all. You don't even have toys._

He had to buy some on his way back from the shoot, fuck. Returning his attention to the beeper, he quickly typed a reply, annoyed that he couldn't swipe with the version for kids.

‘I’d love to have you over, but make sure your dad knows. You can come around 4 p.m. if you like,’ he replied with his address attached and hoped that Amelie told Hoseok and there was no risk of getting killed by the little girl's dad. Hyungwon had already realized that the photographer was very particular and overprotective when it was about his daughter.

_You'd love to see him too, but that's probably too much to ask._

Hyungwon had been borderline obsessive over the past few weeks and looked at every pictorial he could find under Hoseok's name. He studied the images in an attempt to identify what special quality the photographer had seen and captured on film. He also wanted to see if the models showed any signs of being as affected as he was by Hoseok’s unique way of looking at a person. The other man was obviously a talented photographer and Hyungwon would have loved to have another pictorial too, it was the easiest way to interact instead of semi stalking.

_That's what you're doing, isn't it?_

‘Dad said he will bring me there and asked whether my friend's parents are rich. Are they?’ Amelie replied.

Hyungwon chuckled at the question until he realized that Hoseok was going to drive the little girl, all the way to his apartment.

_He will be here too._

His eyes widened and he considered asking Amelie whether her dad knew that she was visiting him, but he wasn't an idiot. Hoseok would have probably cancelled the meeting in a matter of seconds and said that it wasn't a good idea or whatever. The older man had impressive skills at avoiding him, be it professionally or privately. Hyungwon also had the suspicion that Amelie hadn't shown Hoseok the beeper.

‘No, but it's a nice area here,’ he wrote back, understanding that Hoseok must have expected Amelie to visit a young friend, one that lived with their parents in a rich neighborhood. ‘Tell him that I'm really happy that you're visiting and that I'll make sure to have nice food. What do you like to eat, Amelie?’

_You only have salads and a bunch of meat, that won't do, Hyungwon._

‘Choux,’ was the simple reply, followed by ‘a la Crème’. Hyungwon stared at the words before sighing loudly and having no idea how much a little girl could eat. Couldn't he just buy pizza, some Choux and be safe?

‘Do you also eat pizza?’ he wrote and couldn't believe that he was having a child over when he knew absolutely nothing about looking after one. He had to buy something nice for her to play with, didn't she say she wanted a programmable robot? He would just have to buy one on the way back home in addition to decent food.

_You don't eat pizza though, stay with your salad and don't be tempted._

‘Yes, but I'm not allowed to eat it often. I'm so glad to see you, it has been months!’

 _Weeks_ , Hyungwon corrected in his head and smiled. Hoseok was going to hate him a little, but if the girl liked pizza and Choux, then that was what she would get. Replying with a lot of hearts, he quickly dressed in a fancy shirt and black suit pants, applied the amount of makeup necessary and styled his hair. Once he looked as close to perfect as was possible, he hurried to his driver and contemplated what one needed to entertain a child. The thoughts stayed all the way to the studio, keeping a pleasant feeling of excitement in his chest.

_Enjoy not being alone for once._

_

It was 3:45 and Hyungwon felt mediocrely prepared. He had bought two card games that were okay for eight-year-olds, one programmable robot that looked super cute and ten books that they could read if all else failed. He had four different pizzas, five Choux a la creme, juice and naturally flavored water. There was also some fruit that he bought in case Amelie wanted to eat something small in between. It should be fine.

He had also removed all suspicious adult stuff he could think off, at least the wine bottles that were easy to reach and he closed his cabinet with stronger alcohol. Everything else suspicious was either in his bedroom or somewhere he couldn't remember. He doubted that Amelie was going to look through his cupboards.

Right before the designated time, he remembered that there was no way to access his apartment without knowing the number, because there were no last names for privacy reasons. As a model, one often had obsessive bastards that tried to get into private spaces and were intrusive, wanting to see more than the pictorials provided. Grabbing his beeper, he quickly told Amelie to press the bell with the number 12.

The message was just in time as the bell followed only a few minutes after and Hyungwon buzzed them through after glancing at the monitor by the door. Amelie was barely visible in the camera because of her height, Hoseok on the other hand was easy to recognize. The black-haired man was wearing a black button down, hair styled up to reveal his forehead and Hyungwon couldn't help the way his heartbeat sped up, excited even though there was no reason to be.

_He'll only give you his daughter for a few hours and leave again. Get used to the thought._

Hyungwon still couldn't forget the tension in the sauna, the way he told the other man to touch him only to be rejected in the end. He never asked to be touched, but he cracked at that moment, enough to ask for it and have all his desires be exposed in a matter of seconds when the older man breathed against his skin. Fuck, his body still responded to the memory.

There was a knock at his apartment door and he dared one last glance into the mirror. He hated himself a little for removing most of the makeup, only leaving an equal skin tone and red lips. It was the stupid thought that Hoseok preferred him without makeup even though Hoseok wasn't the one visiting him, not really at least.

His tight ripped jeans and red button down looked good, so he smiled and opened the door, meeting eyes with Amelie first before allowing his gaze to travel up and meet the black eyes that make his blood boil.

“I knew it,” the gorgeous black-haired man whispered, glaring at his daughter that looked semi-guilty.

“I told you it's a friend. Hi Hyungwon!” Ripping her small hand out of Hoseok's grip, Amelie stepped closer and wrapped her arms around his hips. “I missed you soooo much,” she whispered before turning to her dad, who looked borderline intimidating “You can get me in two hours. Or three.”

Hyungwon chuckled and crouched to hug the little girl properly. He had never thought his height would be compromising before, but children were a whole different world.

_He's angry that it's you, isn't he?_

“You wish. Half an hour and I'm staying with you,” the older man hissed, focusing his gaze on him. “Or I can take her back now, that would be fine with me.”

“I invited her after all, why would you take her away immediately?” Hyungwon replied and lifted an eyebrow, stroking over Amelie’s beautiful hair. “Would you like something to drink, Amelie? I have three different juices and cucumber and watermelon water, what do you like more?” Smiling widely at the happy child, he glanced up at Hoseok, almost shivering at the look in the other man's eyes.

_He’s going to stay._

“Coffee for you?”

The older man hummed and put his car keys into the pocket of his slim fit jeans that hugged the well-formed muscular thighs.

“If you want to kill me, you should feed me cucumber, but you won't because you're my friend. I want juice.” The girl threw her jeans jacket from her shoulders and slipped out of her sneakers, immediately running to his living room.

_Fair enough._

“Say please,” Hoseok hissed after the girl, reminding her of manners. As soon as Amelie was out of sight, Hoseok glanced at him, pink tongue sliding over his curved lips. He still looked pissed.

_Probably because he has to see you. It has nothing to do with his daughter._

“What's the problem with her hanging out with me? You said we could be friends,” Hyungwon commented and gestured for Hoseok to come in.

“I don't know you,” the photographer replied and abandoned his leather shoes, following him to the kitchen.

“You know me better than the kids in her class.” Pursing his lips, Hyungwon grabbed a cup from his cupboard and turned on the coffee machine, listening to the loud grinding of the beans that kept the older man from replying for a few seconds. Once the noise disappeared, he peeked into the living room, checking on Amelie. He had left the toys and the robot in the shopping bag on the coffee table.

“I have orange, apple and mango juice, which one do you prefer?” he asked and opened his unusually full fridge. “I also have fruit if you like.”

“I have no idea who you are,” Hoseok commented and glanced at the contents of the fridge. “You only bought it for her, didn't you? I expected water and one salad leaf.” The black-haired man grabbed the edge of the counter and lifted himself on top of it torturously slowly, veins visible and muscles flexing on his bare forearms. The photographer had rolled up his sleeves.

It was stupid to pretend that he had no reaction, so Hyungwon didn't pretend and blatantly stared instead, wondering why Amelie hadn't answered his question and left the two of them alone.

_That's a pretty bad idea, the two of you just go nuts._

“You forgot the protein, I have lots of meat too,” he replied with a grin and took out the apple juice, assuming that to be the default. Hoseok said that he had no idea who he was, but that wasn't true.

_You showed him almost everything._

“I can't believe that you think you don't know me at all, I showed you more than I showed anybody else,” he murmured and bit down on his cheek. He didn't want to sound bitter about it. After all, it was supposed to be a happy day with Amelie.

“What you showed me was what my gaze did to you, it doesn't mean that I know you. It doesn't mean anything besides what it is. A reaction to me looking at you. Just like my gaze is a reaction to your expression.” Hoseok was talking quietly, mindful that his daughter was around.

“Oh my god, I can't believe that you got me the robot! It is for me, right. You don't have any other friends who wanted it as much as I did?” The girl jumped around and hugged the package with the blue robot, laughing and looking happy. Hyungwon immediately smiled back, excited that Amelie was so happy about something that barely involved any effort.

“Amazing,” the older man murmured, looking dissatisfied. “Don't buy her expensive stuff.”

“It's fine, she mentioned that it was something that she really wanted and I have nothing at home that she could have played with.” Turning towards Amelie, he nodded. “It's for you, Amelie, but maybe we can keep it here for you to play with and figure out how it works?” Grinning, he filled a glass with juice and handed it to the little girl. He still had a few things to say to Hoseok, but the beautiful smile on Amelie’s equally curved lips was distracting.

“Let me finish making your dad's coffee and then we'll join you in the living room, okay?” he asked and gestured towards the cup that only needed milk. It was a way to have a few more seconds with Hoseok.

“Yes!” The girl galloped back to the living room, talking to the robot in the process and deciding on a name.

“I'll stay here, you can spend time with her, after all she's the one you wanted to see, but I don't trust you, so I'll stay around.” Hoseok took the cup and nodded, whispering a brief ‘thank you’.

Hyungwon thought of just turning around and joining Amelie in the living room, but he couldn't bear the constant misconceptions that Hoseok appeared to have. Stepping closer, he stopped right between the black-haired man's legs and stared at him, eyes focused.

“I showed you vulnerability, Hoseok that has nothing to do with the way you look at me; it has to do with you not judging me for it. That is as deeply as you can know me, there is nothing else to see inside of the shell,” he whispered and turned around again, exhaling sharply because being close to the older man affected him too much.

Plastering a smile on his face, he entered the living room and sat down next to Amelie who had unpacked the robot and hugged it while attempting to read the instructions at the same time.

“What shall we call him?” he asked but still felt the tingling urge in his body making him want to go back to the kitchen and stroke his fingers along Hoseok's thighs. It was terrible.

“I want to call him Wonny, because you're Hyungwon and you're cute too. I asked dad, but he said that I'm not allowed to marry you, so I have to pick one of the idiots from my class, I guess.” The girl sighed and rolled her eyes. “You didn't fight, right?”

“No, not really,” he replied and kept smiling. “You dad is just worried because he thinks that he doesn’t know me. Maybe I need to write a book about me and give it to him.” Rolling his eyes, Hyungwon grabbed the instructions and attempted to focus on the amazing things that ‘Wonny’ could do. It was difficult when he knew that there was a gorgeous man in his kitchen that he reacted to, but that apparently hated him a little.

“Where's the bathroom?” Amelie jumped up and looked around after downing her juice.

“If you go out through the door, then it’s on the left next to the living room,” he explained while still staring at the French words on the manual. This was ridiculous. Why did Hoseok even decide to stay if he was sitting in the kitchen like a creep? Did he think Hyungwon was going to be mean to Amelie? What did the black-haired man expect?

_Maybe he thinks you’ll poison her or something, like a fucking snake._

“Do you want fruit or something to eat?” he called towards the kitchen, remembering his manners. “I don’t think the kitchen is the best place to hang out, maybe you can chill on the couch and read a book. I have enough.”

He heard the sound of feet hitting the kitchen tiles and slow steps approaching, until he could see the attractive man in the doorframe.

“You seem very concerned about me.” The low voice was a turn on and so was the dark gaze that slid from his feet up to his eyes. Hyungwon swallowed and pretended to be concerned with the blurry words in front of his eyes, kneeling on the ground next to a robot. This was ridiculous.

“I prepared for a little girl and not a grown ass man with critical eyes. Of course I’m trying to adjust,” he murmured and gestured towards the couch. “Feel at home.”

“I think I will feel more at ease if I remember that I'm a guest you weren't expecting,” Hoseok commented and smiled playfully for the first time since he stepped through his door. The older man sunk into the black leather and spread his legs, watching him intently. Hyungwon hated him for spreading his legs right in front of his fucking face, at the perfect height because he was kneeling, fuck.

“Dick,” he hissed and immediately looked down at the funny blue robot, resting in front of him as the seconds ticked by and Amelie still didn’t appear. It was probably the situation and the way the other man made him feel, turning every second into a minute with those eyes on his body.

“You mean me? Wow, I didn't know that one gets cursed out after coming to your home as a guest. I'll go get Amelie, she has this weird habit of hiding in the bathroom when adults are talking, it's my fault.” Hoseok stood up and fixed the fit of his jeans.

_It’s because he argued with Amelie’s mother, isn’t it?_

Hyungwon didn’t dare ask and nodded slowly as his eyes travelled upwards from the other man’s thighs until they finally reached his eyes. It felt strange to be the one to sit on the floor in front of somebody without any sexual intentions. He rarely lowered himself for anybody and Hoseok was no exception.

“You know exactly why I cursed at you, Hoseok. I’m figuring out how to deal with your presence and you know what happens between us. Don’t pretend to be innocent.”

“To be honest, I have no idea what happens between us, I only know that nothing can happen as long as I'm with her, so I prefer not to be around you.” Suddenly the older man crouched down next to him and took the blue robot, pressing a button on the side. “I wanted to give her this thing for her birthday, so I know how to turn it on.” His hot breaths were so close that Hyungwon could hear them.

“I only pretend to understand what happens, it makes it easier, you know?” he whispered and barely resisted to reach out and stroke over the other man’s thigh, but the time wasn’t right. There was no tingling beneath his skin yet, no eyes that focused on him and touched him without the need for hands. His breaths were faster, but not ragged yet and only the muscles in his thighs flexed a little at how close the older man was. His eyes watched Hoseok’s hand intently, the way he handled the small robot while crouching next to him.

_He’s right, he’s with his daughter. You have to stay calm, Hyungwon, or he’ll never come again nor bring her to you._

It was intimate, but the situation was also amusing somehow, seeing Hoseok put effort into researching programmable robots for kids and joining him on the floor, reducing the implicit power dynamic between them. Hyungwon appreciated it greatly even though he didn’t comment on it.

“I’m sorry that I ruined the birthday present,” he murmured and smiled a little, enjoying the proximity while still feeling in control of himself. “Maybe you can buy her a different one and she’ll have two friends, one here and one at home.”

“I'll give it some thought. I might be repeating myself, but you better not hurt her, in case you forgot that I wanted to kill you with my bare hands back on the set.” Winking at him, Hoseok stood up and walked to the bathroom, knocking quietly.

“You can come out Choux, we didn't fight, we looked at the robot. It's on now.” The older man's voice sounded so soft and affectionate.

_She must be so scared, especially knowing that you keep arguing._

Hyungwon hated the thought, the knowledge that the little girl had seen so many arguments that she automatically hid in the bathroom, scared of what might happen. He didn’t want to be another person that made her feel that way, constantly having conflicts with her dad and scaring her. Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon got up and followed Hoseok to the bathroom door. He needed approximately two seconds to decide to wrap his right arm around the older man’s shoulders casually and to knock on the bathroom door lightly.

“Yeah, we’re fine. We wanted to set up the robot with you. It’s ok if we do it all together, right, Amelie?”

The door opened and the pair of beautiful, blue eyes looked up at them.

“Really? That's so awesome!” The girl's face lit up as she saw him hugging Hoseok. Rushing past them, Amelie let herself fall on her knees in front of the toy and started pressing buttons while reading the instructions.

“Yeah,” Hyungwon replied again and slowly removed his arm from around Hoseok’s shoulders, feeling the warmth of the other man’s body slip through his red button-down. His goal had been to calm the little girl, but here he was, reacting to a simple touch because he knew that it wasn’t meaningless even if he pretended that it was.

He sucked his lips into his mouth and glanced at Hoseok to assess how the other man felt about it. It was important for Amelie, so Hyungwon hoped that Hoseok wasn’t going to deny it, pointing out how much he hated him and didn’t want the two of them to be friends.

Suddenly, strong fingers curled around his wrist and Hoseok pulled his arm back, holding onto him with a gentle touch, thumb rubbing against his wrist bone carefully.

_He's playing along._

But the playing along wasn't even the point, it was Hoseok touching him, brushing over his skin affectionately.

“Mhm, Hyungwon bought all those things for you, so I'm a little impressed,” the older man smiled playfully and winked at him.

It was unusual, not comparable to how they interacted before, but he played along and grinned before winking back and enjoying the heat of Hoseok's fingers on his skin. It felt exciting even though it was a simple touch.

_Don't focus on it too much, you have a child to play with._

“I’ve never had such a young friend, remember, Amelie, so I had to prepare,” he murmured and moved towards the little girl on the ground, tugging on Hoseok's grip to join them on the floor. “Your dad said he's an expert on robots. Do we believe him?”

_Will it really be the three of you now?_

Hyungwon had no idea how that was supposed to work and he still felt the trace of Hoseok's touch on his wrist. He wanted it back, but it was probably better without. That way he could keep his composure.

“Yes, he can do a lot of things! You only know about taking pictures, but he can also play guitar and hit you with his foot while turning.” Amelie didn't pay much attention to them and tested out her new toy.

Hyungwon laughed at the comment, imagining Hoseok turning in bed and hitting somebody with his foot. The guitar playing was interesting too, especially considering the popularity effect.

“Oh, you must have been popular in college, playing guitar all melancholic,” he remarked while attempting to imagine the muscular man in college, looking all soft with a guitar. The dark gaze made it impossible, penetrating through his own in a matter of seconds.

“I only played for myself and otherwise I kicked a… at Taekwondo. It was too long ago.” Hoseok muted his curse and shifted, visibly awkward with how they sat there, close and kind of touching. “Should we go back, Choux? Hyungwon is probably very busy.”

Oh, that kind of kicking while turning. The image immediately switched and Hyungwon found himself staring at Hoseok's thighs again, associating their broadness with strong kicks and jumps. This was torture, but still he didn't want the two of them to leave yet.

“But Hyungwon purposefully made time, and it's nice to have company,” he commented and watched how Amelie managed to make the robot talk, greeting her with a cute voice while turning in circles adorably. Reaching out, Hyungwon stroked over Amelie’s black hair and removed a loose strand from her eyes. It still hurt to imagine how much an argument affected her.

_That's why she also hid in the bathroom the last time, pretending to brush her teeth._

“How about pizza? I have three different types and I even got the Choux stuff you like so much!” Grinning widely, he pointed towards the kitchen again where he had arranged the Choux on a small plate and hidden it on top of the fridge. Nobody but him was able to reach that anyway.

“Yes! Pizza! I'm allowed, right? Next time you can visit me and dad will bake Choux, he's really good but he never does that. I told you he can do anything.” The girl ran after the robot that had moved towards the window.

“Yes, you can have pizza,” Hoseok murmured and shifted under his touch. Hyungwon smiled and couldn't resist the desire to stroke over Hoseok's shoulder in response, touch careful and light. There was fabric separating him from warm skin, but having the older man sitting next to him like this was already more than he could hope for.

“If you make it yourself, I might even consider eating some,” he whispered and finally stood up. He had to make the pizza after all; it didn't appear through magic just like calories didn't disappear only because something was tasty.

“He ate the one that I bought,” Amelie yelled from the living room while Hoseok followed him, lifting to his feet smoothly and moving like a snake, without making any noise.

“I need to make sure you don't poison her,” the older man murmured after they arrived.

Hyungwon smiled at that, easily able to tell that it was a lie.

_He wants to be around you, doesn't he?_

Taking a pizza out of the freezer, Hyungwon preheated the oven and placed it on a tray. He rarely did anything in his kitchen apart from spraying a little bit of olive oil on his salad, so it felt weird to run around and do things. Hoseok's gaze remained on him and he could feel it. Sucking his lips into his mouth, he finally turned around and leaned against the counter, meeting the dark gaze that catapulted his heart to his throat.

Hoseok was standing across from him in a similar position, before pulling himself up on the counter like before. The other man's gaze gained intensity as he let it travel all over his body, his face and his hair, stroking over the curve of his waist and dipping under the collar of the red shirt he was wearing.

_Fuck._

Hyungwon was glad that he wasn't holding anything as his eyes widened and he barely contained a gasp that threatened to pass his lips. Nobody was able to look at him like that, touching him with their eyes alone, but the man in front of him did it easily, reducing the space between them and riling him up, while sitting on the counter with his legs spread, not moving a single inch.

He swallowed audibly and placed the pizza in the oven, allowing himself to forget about it as soon as his fingers left the handle. He wanted them to be somewhere else, stroking over the muscles that threatened to burst the strained fabric and listen to the hiss that was going to leave the other man's lips.

_Because he cannot contain them, just like his response to you._

His feet stepped forward, over the tiles that separated them even though he shouldn't have. It felt like Hoseok beckoned him over, connected their gazes and tugged at an invisible string, attached to Hyungwon's chest.

Standing right in front of Hoseok, hips grazing the other man's knees, he placed his hands on the counter, inhaling sharply.

“You're driving me wild, Hoseok,” he whispered.

***

People who dared to ask him personal questions always wondered about the same thing.

_How is it to raise a child all by yourself?_

Hoseok always had the same answer. A heavy burden enabled him to achieve the kind of happiness that he would never be able to achieve by doing anything else. Not his job, not his passion and no relationship was able to give him the kind of joy and fulfillment the small sunshine that was his daughter could. The people always looked shocked because he called it a burden. In the end it was what it was. It was heavy and pulled at his energy, questioned his existence as an individual, especially during the first years and expected many sacrifices no one had warned him about.

_Because if you presented young couples a list with all things they would have to bear after having a child, on a timeline of eighteen years and ongoing, they wouldn’t do it. Duh._

Still he was happy, there was no sign of regret, never, not even after his relationship started to fall apart. Only those times when Sarah had used his affection towards Amelie to hurt him, then he caught himself wishing that the girl wasn’t born to not have to see and experience all that.

_But she is well now._

Compared to two years ago, his daughter had improved so much. She was able to go to school and liked spending time with her grandparents and Kihyun; she also didn’t have as many nightmares as before and smiled a lot. It cost Hoseok a lot of time and effort to make the little girl feel safe, but it made him so happy. That was the reason for not turning around and leaving when he saw Hyungwon’s handsome face behind the black door.

_She really likes him. You can’t make her unhappy, only because you have no idea how to deal with him._

Well, Hoseok was pretty sure that he knew how to deal with it and that the whole thing would end as soon as he did, but he was around his daughter and there was no way he’d throw someone against the wall, ravishing his neck while having her with him. There were rules that he made for himself and those contributed to the fact that Amelie was okay.

_No drinking, no sex._

The things that he liked and enjoyed, but couldn’t. At least as long as he was with his daughter.

_And definitely no relationships. Ever._

It was clear, so so clear to him. There was only one thing that didn’t fit. The tall figure that walked towards him, slowly coming closer, gaze locked with his and black hair framing his interesting face. His movements were smooth and natural, a model through and through, but the vulnerability, the loneliness still remained. It almost seemed as if Hyungwon pulled it out to shove it into his face because he knew how weak Hoseok was for it, how much he liked it and yearned to see it, daring to look closer, to tickle it out without the touch that he used in the other man’s hotel room a few weeks ago. He regretted it, even though he didn’t regret the outcome.

_He didn’t want to be touched._

Feeling how his muscles tensed at the proximity, he kept his eyes open, taking in every detail while his mind tried to pay attention to the black-haired man and to the presence of his daughter at the same time. It was hard.

_That’s what the rule is for. She is priority number one. Always._

“You're driving me wild, Hoseok,” the low voice whispered, as Hyungwon moved his gorgeous thick lips and kept his big eyes focused on him as if he was some godly creature. He wasn’t, he was as human as it went, trying his best to not clash their lips together and press the slim body against the wall, feeling it tremble under his touch and the weight of his body. Shit. Hoseok licked over his lips and wanted to reply, to curl his fingers tighter around the edge of the kitchen counter, but…

_You want to see more._

He had no real excuse because he didn’t have a camera, nothing to capture the moment besides his own two eyes. Lifting his right hand, he reached for the other man’s small face, stopping a few millimeters from touching the golden skin. Hoseok felt the warmth it released and imagined how smooth it would be as he focused on the way his fingers looked against the background of the younger man’s face. Narrowing his gaze, he moved, stroking over his cheek without touching him, curling his hand around the other man’s neck, drawing lines along it before he stopped at the thick lips, tracing their shape with his index finger from minimal distance and exhaling sharply. Fuck.

_That’s not it, Hoseok, you keep wanting to do more, you want to do it all and he can feel it._

“I don’t know why, but I think I want to get bitten,” he whispered while keeping his hand in the air in front of Hyungwon’s lips.

A sound left the other man's mouth, so close to a whimper that Hoseok couldn't believe it at first. But the slim body was trembling in front of him, accompanied by rough inhales and attempts to hold the air for longer until it was exhaled all at once. Still watching him intently, Hyungwon moved forward and parted his lips. Hot air tickled the skin of his hand until that luscious mouth slowly closed around his index finger, tongue sliding along it until he felt the light pressure of teeth. Shit. He was crazy.

Turning to the side to see whether there was any sign of his daughter, Hoseok turned back and licked over his lips, goosebumps spreading over his body like a disease, reminding him that he was feeling too much for what was happening between them.

“You’re insane,” he muttered, rolling his eyes and throwing his head back at one of the licks of the other man’s hot tongue.

“I might be,” Hyungwon whispered before taking more of his index finger between his lips while wrapping his tongue around it. The younger man's exhales were still brushing over the back of his hand and the distance between them kept reducing as Hyungwon moved closer, barely keeping their hips apart.

_You’ll snap, you can’t, get a grip, Hoseok. Your child is here._

Pulling his hand back carefully, he leaned in, making sure not to touch the other man.

“Wait, Hyungwon, wait- don’t, I’m here with Choux and she actually came to visit you,” he whispered against the shell of the younger man’s prettily curled ear before sucking in some of his intoxicating scent and leaning back. “I don’t do stuff like this when she is with me, never. I also won’t start now, only because you make me lose my mind.”

Hyungwon was visibly struggling, nodding slowly but remaining in place with their hips almost touching. Hoseok didn’t know what he had been thinking, when he curled his hands around the edge of the counter and slipped forward, sliding down and brushing their groins together in the process. He had to bite down on his tongue to not moan at the intensity that the friction blessed him with. He felt like he was fifteen again.

Hyungwon moaned, loud and clear before immediately lifting his left palm and covering his mouth with it, eyes wide. His breaths were ragged and only when the oven began beeping, the black-haired man pulled back and almost stumbled on his way to turn off the timer. His eyes were still wide as he glanced towards Hoseok, hand covering his lips.

Damn, he wanted to walk towards the black-haired man, slowly curl his arm around the slim waist and press his body against any available surface, taste his lips, his tongue, his neck. Feel how his hips felt against Hyungwon’s slim ones, look at him like he liked doing while his hands supplied the additional sensations, made it more intense, fueled the arousal and made it explode with how much he wanted the beautiful man. Fuck. He wondered if Hyungwon could see it in his gaze.

“I want you,” Hyungwon whispered suddenly as his hand finally fell away from his mouth and revealed his gorgeous lips, parted by soft gasps. A few more moments passed until the other man turned away and held onto the handle of the oven, hands shaking.

“What a torture,” he whispered back and turned around to get plates, just that there weren’t any, only glasses. He walked through and opened every fucking cupboard until he found the plates. They didn’t look as if Hyungwon ever used them.

_He’s a model. He doesn’t eat._

Hissing at the fact that his arousal didn’t plan on going anywhere, he put the plates on the table that was definitely too big for one person. Hoseok walked over to Hyungwon and breathed into his neck before leaning in and whispering into his ear.

“Do you think I’m a bad person for wanting you to suffer at least as much as I do?” he asked, hoping that the black-haired man wouldn’t drop the pizza.

“What makes you think that I don't?” Hyungwon opened the oven and let some of the hot air escape, almost burning his face. Only when the heat dissipated, the model opened it completely and looked for gloves, knuckles white from how tightly he was holding on.

“Ah, just because of the way you are provoking me,” he hissed and spotted the dark blue silicone gloves in one of the overhead shelves. He was short but his jumps were no joke, so he simply walked around the tall man and jumped, getting both at the same time. To save the model from burning his face, his hands and what else was there, Hoseok put the gloves on and took out the furnace grate with the pizza on top. It looked good, so he opened the drawers to find a cutter, but there wasn’t one, so he took a knife, cutting a big heart into the pizza and smiling at the result. Amelie really loved it when the pizza was heart-shaped.

“Are you ready to face a kid, or do you need a minute?” he asked, turning to the handsome young man. Usually, Hoseok didn’t care that much about outer appearance, but Hyungwon was the rare exception where everything seemed to fit. He was imperfect perfection.

_Snap out of it, you don’t know him._

“I'll- I'll be fine,” Hyungwon muttered and brushed through his black hair. The way the other man uncovered more of his forehead showed Hoseok that he wore less makeup than usual, golden skin retaining its beautiful glow. After taking another deep breath, whatever the other man must have been thinking disappeared behind a big smile. “Amelie, the pizza is done! Let's eat in the kitchen.”

_He’s definitely not suffering enough._

Lifting his eyebrow, Hoseok returned to the counter and jumped up, spreading his legs and thankful for the fact that he didn’t have to run around with a boner.

“Oh my god, it’s a heart. Dad, did you cut it?” Choux asked. “Grandma will make pizza for me too, when you are in Berlin. I can watch lots of TV then too.” He smiled and nodded, remembering that he had a trip coming up next week. Hoseok watched as the food disappeared in the girl’s mouth and how she kept talking without chewing her food until the end. It was hilarious.

The only thing that was out of place in this domestic scene was the tall black-haired man who kept stealing glances at him, fueling his imagination and luring him with something that was buried deep behind his facade. Something that Hoseok needed to see.

_

Everything was settled, Choux had cried a little, but she often did, a remnant of the time he was in divorce proceedings and she was scared that he would leave her. It hurt his heart every time, but his mom took good care of his daughter and she kept telling him that she wanted to stay longer when he picked her up after each trip. Still the tears were hard to endure because he felt so vulnerable when it came to her. The only person he truly loved with every pore of his body, every fissure of his brain and with every breath he took. She was his everything. Amelie.

_You’re emotional again because you have to leave and feel bad about not being able to take her along._

On the one hand he was sad, but on the other hand it was one of those rare occasions where he could let go, not think and not feel responsible, because his parents were nice enough to take his responsibility from him for a few days. He looked forward to the hotel bar, to the big pictorial that he could design just the way he wanted to and to sex.

_You haven’t had sex for weeks, since Lisbon. Oh god._

It had been a long time ago and it was bad. In between there was only black hair, golden skin and thick, red lips accompanied by breathtakingly beautiful loneliness and vulnerability that he kept thinking about, getting frustrated, aroused, frustrated, affected and then frustrated again. Shit, he really needed to feel someone sit on his lap and to touch a nice body and hear some moans instead of being borderline obsessive about a model he shot a pictorial with once.

_And your daughter’s friend. He’s Choux’s friend._

The fact that Choux liked him was even worse, it made everything more complicated. Thankfully he survived the last time they met with a boner and four days of very vivid dreams, but it was torture. He didn’t need torture, he wanted the piranha to show it’s teeth, take a picture, or many pictures and then move on.

_He doesn’t let you. He keeps feeling bad about it, so what are you even doing?_

Maybe they only needed to let go, to have sex once, to touch each other until they both had enough and kill the tension. It couldn’t be hard, could it?

_Don’t think about him, you’re supposed to think about all the nice things._

As soon as he arrived at the hotel after the forty minute trip from the airport, Hoseok threw his equipment into his room, showered, put on a fresh shirt and black ripped jeans that made him look at least five to six years younger and made his way to the bar.

Entering the fancy establishment on the tenth floor, he looked around, spotting a nice seat not too far away from the entrance, but also a little hidden and only attractive to those who wanted some alone time. He ordered a gin and tonic and made himself comfortable, leaning against the soft fabric of the chair and waiting for his drink.

_You missed it._

He did. Sipping on the delicious mixture the bartender prepared for him, Hoseok spread his legs for comfort, glancing around once in a while. If there was no prospects for company, he considered going back to his room and touching himself, but after enjoying the drink. As usual, he wasn’t fond of putting out too much effort.

“Aren’t you Hoseok Lee?” a male voice asked. It sounded nice, so he turned and looked at the person standing about two meters away from him and staring at his face and between his legs.

_Well, that’s easy, right?_

“Yes. Are you a model?” he asked, even though he didn’t need too. Of course the man was a model. Tall, symmetrical face and slim built, fake smile, everything was there.

“Yes! I guess people are telling the truth about your special eye for things. Can I join you, or are you here with someone?” Hoseok loved the question, because literally nobody cared whether he wanted to be left alone. Swallowing his sarcastic comment, he gestured for the brown-haired model to sit next to him because he wanted company. He didn’t want to talk though.

“I’m not a great talker though and I don’t like conversation either, so if you’re fine with other kinds of attention, you’re welcome to join me.” He let his gaze travel over the guy’s thighs that looked nice and his flat chest. His neck looked okay too, no comparison to Hyungwon’s, but it was off limits anyway. Smirking, Hoseok connected their gazes and slipped lower on the chair, spreading his legs.

_He knows who you are, so he probably hopes for something._

“Wait, before you sit down,” he commented and sighed, taking a sip of his drink and lifting his gaze slowly. “This is completely personal, I separate personal and professional contacts, right now it’s personal and you have to be aware of that.” Licking over his lips, he gulped another few sips of his drink and started getting tired already; underestimating the fatigue he had during the past few weeks due to Amelie’s school issues, work and the black-haired piranha.

“Oh, private sounds lovely,” the young man replied quickly, glancing at him while mirroring his motions. That one was set.

“Do you want to go up with me?” Hoseok asked straight out, not removing his gaze from the handsome features and downing his drink. Either he had company or he would fucking sleep, because the exhaustion was no joke and he wasn’t sure whether he had any energy left to appeal to anybody.

There was a brief nod and careful fingers around his bare forearm as they walked towards the exit. Just when he was about to turn around the corner he felt eyes on him, causing him to turn and glance towards the bar. It didn’t take long for him to focus on big, coffee-colored eyes that observed him intently while long fingers closed around a glass of gin and tonic.

_It’s him._

Hoseok had no idea how it was possible, as he had checked all his jobs two weeks in advance to make sure that he won't torture himself with the sight of the gorgeous black-haired man. Swallowing once, he curled an arm around the model's waist and pulled him closer, fingers stroking over his sides in the process. He liked the guy's hiss that followed, but glancing to the bar, he liked the sight of the thick, parted lips more, showing him that Hyungwon was affected.

The black-haired man wasn't dramatic in his response, but he allowed Hoseok to see just enough of it. The way his fingers tightened around his glass, the widening of his eyes, brief break of eye contact as Hyungwon licked over his lips only to look at him again. The model was alone, sitting at the bar in a transparent shirt that showed off his slim body and tight leather pants.

_Gorgeous._

It was a weird feeling. He could've told the young man that he changed his mind without feeling guilty, he could have walked towards the bar and whispered into Hyungwon's small ear about how much he wanted him instead, but he didn't do any of it. Instead, he watched the stunning figure as long as he could, eyes not breaking contact until he forced them to, moving his hand lower over the young man's firm ass and giving it a light slap. He liked the response, he did, but it wasn't comparable to how he felt next to Hyungwon.

_You don't want the tension to dissipate._

_Not yet._

***

_Why do you always do this to yourself?_

Hyungwon didn't know. In the saying ‘borderline obsessive’, he had managed to step over the ‘borderline’. After finding out that Hoseok was going to Berlin, he had used at least three different business contacts to end up with a deal for the same three days. Hyungwon had never invested so much effort only to be in a city at a particular time. He had even booked the same hotel, assuming that was accurate information. He had chosen the hotel as close to the shooting location as possible and it made sense that Hoseok had chosen the same one.

His expectations had been rather straightforward, sitting at the bar, talking, maybe drinking together while fueling the tension and resulting with those gorgeous hands on him in the end. It was a simple plan, idiot proof considering how much Hoseok wanted him. It was obvious and tattooed on every inch of the other man's body.

_Still your expectations were wrong._

He had made the mistake of not looking around at first before sitting down at the bar. Hyungwon had been sure that he had come early and could enjoy a few intrigued glances before Hoseok decided to come and have a drink. Apparently, someone had been faster than him, another model he wasn't familiar with but that had managed to grasp the older man's attention. It was frustrating because Hyungwon knew he could have been in that situation, be the one to have those hands all over him, stroking along his lower back and ass, wrapping around him and pulling him close. Hyungwon wanted Hoseok to grab him and push their groins together the way he had in his kitchen, breaking his composure and evoking a loud moan.

The thoughts alone made him gasp as he almost broke his long drink glass with the strength he used on it, fingers trembling from the force. He was being stupid and the biggest problem was that he couldn't just be like Hoseok and take someone else's hands.

_You don't even want to be touched, why are you like this?_

It was different with the black-haired man; Hoseok's gaze fueled something in him and caused him to want more, to be touched. It was a first considering that Hyungwon only slept with men that had something to offer and even then, he was meticulous.

_The time of you needing something from them is long over._

The question was what he needed from Hoseok. It couldn't have been the touch alone, could it? Hyungwon had never needed a touch only; it was something almost barbaric to him, meaningless and plain as if he was a piece of meat.

_Maybe that's the difference, his interest isn’t with the shell, even when he touches you._

Groaning softly, he inhaled more of his cocktail and winked at the bartender when he felt the other man's gaze on him. It gave him a little bit of what he had come for, but it wasn't comparable to what he needed.

The minutes passed and turned into hours as Hyungwon drank a little more than he should have, feeling the alcohol hit him when he decided to stand up. His vision blurred for a few moments but it wasn't bad enough to be obvious or unable to get to his hotel room. Bar patrons were terrible when they could tell someone else was tipsy and assumed that gave them to right to be touchy, so he left the area with quick steps and stumbled into the elevator, pressing the number fifteen. His room had a nice view but that was about it.

_Maybe you won't need the wine tonight._

Once the elevator doors opened, he moved through and focused on the long hallway, covered in rooms with numbers. He was really not in the state to figure out his room number. He saw a tall guy leave one of the rooms on the right. A second glance was sufficient to recognize the model Hoseok had walked out with. The brown-haired man had blush on his cheeks and looked satisfied.

_Of course, he does after being nailed into the mattress._

Hyungwon pursed his lips and considered going to Hoseok's room and sleeping in his bed without letting the other man close just for the hell of it, but that told him he must have definitely been tipsy, coming up with shitty ideas.

For a brief moment, he wondered whether he was even on the right floor, but there must have been a reason he pressed number fifteen.

_If you went to his room, you wouldn't have to look for yours. Maybe you could even get him to lie still and help you to fall asleep. He's done it before._

The thought was tempting, very tempting and Hyungwon stopped in front of the door, staring at it. He didn't want to seem desperate, but desperate would have been jumping the older man as soon as the door opened. He wasn't going to do that, Hyungwon was going to step through and sleep on that comfortable bed. At this point only the fact that his cheeks were pink spoke against letting Hoseok see him. He hated the way it looked.

_He might look at you and you like that. He just got off, so he can look all he wants._

Chewing on his warm lips, Hyungwon lifted his fist to the door and knocked. There was a bit of shuffling and some time passed, but the door finally opened, revealing the barely dressed photographer with a towel wrapped around his hips and wet hair hanging into his black eyes that widened as soon as they registered him.

“What are you doing here?” the low voice asked, but the door opened almost automatically, as if Hoseok didn't mean what he was saying.

Hyungwon didn't reply and merely walked past him while the image of the black-haired man in a towel remained in front of his inner eye. It was unfair and sped up his breaths.

Brushing through his hair with his fingers, he inhaled a few times and finally began unbuttoning his shirt. He had come to sleep, so that was what he was going to do. The transparent fabric pooled at his elbows until he let it slip to the ground. He wasn't making it into a show, he knew that he was gorgeous anyway. There was no need to prove it.

Enjoying the eyes that he could feel on his back, he unbuttoned his leather pants and bent over to slip them down his long legs. He didn't wear underwear when he wore leather pants and smiled a little at the expression on Hoseok's face that he expected to see.

Licking over his lips to return the moisture that alcohol had stolen from him, he turned around and finally allowed himself to meet Hoseok's gaze.

_But not for long, or you might give in._

The intensity was overwhelming, especially considering the fact that the attractive man was right after an orgasm, after getting his edge off and after being close to someone.

“What are you doing?” The older man swallowed while his elegant hands played with the towel that was wrapped around his hips.

_He wants to take it off, doesn't he?_

Hyungwon smiled and stretched the seconds, preferring to look at Hoseok without replying, at the drops on his skin, the defined muscles that he had the privilege of only seeing a few times. He enjoyed the sight for as long as he dared to before turning around again and entering the bathroom.

He was quick about his goal, finding another toothbrush provided by the hotel and scrubbing the alcohol off his teeth and tongue before washing his makeup off with soap. He was much less prepared than usual, but coming to Hoseok had been a spontaneous decision.

Once he dried his face and hands, he forced his heartbeat to calm down and returned to the main room, easily throwing himself on the gigantic bed and drowning in the soft blanket. Smiling, he stretched out his arms to hold onto fists full of softness and met Hoseok's eyes again.

“I came here to sleep, will you let me?”

“Are you drunk? You came here to sleep? You don't have a room? Where's your luggage?” Hoseok just managed to pull his underwear over his gorgeous ass when he lay down and walked over, sitting on the edge of the bed and watching him intently. “Is everything okay?”

Hyungwon nodded, melting at the gaze that swept over his whole naked body. It was exactly what he had wanted the whole evening, those black eyes focused on him, on him alone.

“I have a room, but I just saw where yours was, so I prefer to be here,” he replied and bent his right leg, tempted to press his thighs together under Hoseok's surveillance.

“You prefer to be here? You want to sleep in my bed? Did I understand you correctly?” The pale, muscular man climbed on the bed and lay in the exact same position as the time that Hyungwon had left scars on the photographer’s milky chest. Hyungwon's gaze immediately found the thin lines, tracing them with his eyes until he gave in and traced them with his fingers too, careful and hesitant.

“Yeah,” he whispered and held his breath for a few seconds, focusing on his fingers only. “You helped me fall asleep before, so why wouldn't you be able to help me now?”

“Because you're obviously drunk in addition to driving me crazy?” the low voice whispered, as Hoseok's chest rose and fell under his touch and he could feel the changes in breathing. A reaction to his touch.

“I'm tipsy,” Hyungwon remarked and brushed his index finger over Hoseok's nipple before removing his hands. A smile was spreading his lips at the sight of the older man's reactions. He was gorgeous, but sated. “And you are satisfied, so it should be fine, shouldn't it?”

“I know, right? It should.” A sigh followed before Hoseok pulled the blanket over his body and turned towards him, observing him with his dark eyes that looked as if they were piercing him. “Let's sleep then.”

“Will you let me touch you? Lay my head on your chest?” He slipped a little closer and arranged himself under the blanket as well, enjoying the immediate heat that Hoseok's body provided. It was perfect to close his eyes and let go, stopping the thoughts and the constant yearning at the same time. The low voice hummed in reply while Hoseok lay on his back and turned off the lights, covering them in darkness.

Hyungwon slipped even closer, reaching for the hot body, stroking along the older man's muscular arms and placing his head on top of the firm chest. He could hear Hoseok's heartbeat, hammering against his ear and the black-haired man's scent entered his nose with every inhale. It was calming even though it was foreign to be this close, to touch and have his hands roam the warm skin until they found a comfortable spot.

_This is the safest place you could have gone to after drinking, isn't it?_

“Thank you, Hoseok,” he mumbled into the other man's ear and let the darkness take over.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Hoseok’s first order of business on waking was to push the long leg from his groin. It was obviously necessary to reduce pressure and friction from the shifts. It seemed as if Hyungwon did it on purpose even though the gorgeous black-haired man was obviously asleep, exhaling the rest of his blood alcohol content right into his nose.

_He would never do that if he wasn't._

Hoseok loved it and the subconscious authenticity that accompanied the model's movements and actions. His eyes took it all in and stored it in the depths of his memories, along with the expressions of vulnerability, the big black pupils that widened in a reaction to his gaze, all of it.

_You are obsessive._

Definitely, but the fascination was bound to fade eventually, so he enjoyed it as long as it lasted, supplying him with sensations of unknown intensity, intriguing him, making him want to look more in depth. Hoseok wanted to be even closer than he was now, have his lips touch the top of Hyungwon's head, and nose inhale the other man's scent.

_It's so nice when he's asleep._

It hadn't changed. Back when they first met, Hoseok had been fascinated with the model sleeping and it stayed the same. More than once his gaze wandered towards his camera that lay on the table, but he couldn't bring himself to go and get it. He thought about the expression on the beautiful face when he had blown air against the thick lips and took a picture.

_He hated it._

They were a mess, a giant mess, but so was his body, reacting and tingling in arousal after getting his groin rubbed over and the sight that didn't make it any better. Hyungwon was wrapped around him, naked skin enveloping him and producing heat.

The model had a stunning body. Slim waist, smooth sandy skin, a sensual line from his lower back and over his small butt and big hands with long fingers that almost managed to circle his bicep.

_You want to feel them all over you._

A twitch followed that rather particular vision. He couldn't believe that he had already forgotten what his one night stand looked like after Hyungwon had simply entered his room, undressed and stretched out his ass on his bed, demanding body heat so he could go to sleep.

_Demanding bastard._

The thought resulted in a shift under the almost weightless body. Hoseok didn't think of himself as a nice person, so it was okay to have particular wishes. Like seeing the other man's wake up face in all its glory.

_You couldn't take the picture._

Moving away gradually and carefully to not wake up his guest, Hoseok finally managed to get out from under him and lay across from the handsome man who put both his hands under the pillow and slept on his side. Hyungwon looked like a gorgeous child with the innocence and authenticity the position and the softness of his features displayed. He mirrored it and waited, glad that his arousal decreased to make room for fascination and attention in his gaze.

_You can see more like this._

Time passed with small shifts and lips that parted with soft breaths. Hyungwon was fast asleep and barely moved, but once the gorgeous body left the depths of sleep and began to shift, his breaths increased in frequency and the younger man turned, pushing the blanket to the side but without opening his eyes. Turning back to his side, Hyungwon huffed once and pouted his lips, fisting the pillow and squishing it a little.

His face was the most interesting part. There was so much softness and calm in the eye movements, hidden by the other man's closed eyelids, how the thick lips changed their shape with every inhale and the prettily done eyebrows supported the tiredness and unwillingness to leave the blissful unconsciousness. Hyungwon was beautiful and for the first time since they met at the Starbucks in Paris, Hoseok wanted to tenderly kiss him.

_Why?_

He had no time to think about it, as he observed the model's posture that was calm and relaxed, without contraction in his muscles until it suddenly switched and awareness kicked in. Hyungwon straightened his back and exhaled slowly, head sliding over the pillow to hide his cheeks. He was awake.

Hoseok was a little sad that it didn't last longer, but all good things were like this.

“I should've taken a picture,” he whispered, shifting a little closer and waiting for the handsome man to open his eyes and be all shy and uncomfortable about himself and the reality Hoseok was able to see.

“Why didn't you?” Hyungwon whispered back and slowly opened his eyes, blinking to get used to the brightness of the hotel room. The younger man's expression lost some of its tension when their eyes met and Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip, nibbling on it as his gaze wandered over Hoseok's body and finally returned to his face.

“Don't know. I guess I remembered how upset you were last time. But it's okay, I remember it all.” Smiling, he reached out and stroked over Hyungwon's huge bottom lip, making it roll a little. It looked hilarious. “You're a piranha but you look like a baby. Is it a disguise?”

“Survival,” the black-haired man replied and closed his lips around his finger, biting it lightly before letting go. “It also makes people underestimate me and give me things. Being a model isn't a gift as you probably know.”

_You like it when he reacts to you._

“Yes, I don't like models, but I liked your morning breath, it smelled like digested Mojito.” A grin spread his cheeks and he sat up, thankful that he wasn't hard anymore and glanced towards the other man.

“Morning breath happens to be the reason I don't sleep over anywhere,” Hyungwon replied and covered his mouth with a frown, looking embarrassed.

“You're a weirdo, but I was rather intrigued nevertheless,” Hoseok commented and winked, walking towards the bathroom. After he took care of his business and brushed his teeth while staring at the other man's toothbrush that he threw in the sink recklessly, Hoseok returned to the room.

Hyungwon was lying on the bed, legs crossed and leaning back on his arms. The black-haired man was chewing on his cheek and visibly in thought, as if he was slowly reminiscing about what happened after he stumbled through the door to Hoseok's hotel room.

“Why do you avoid me professionally?” Hyungwon suddenly asked, not concerned about his naked body at all even though it was perfectly on display with the blanket pooling at his feet.

“Because I fear that I won't be professional.” Hoseok walked to his luggage, getting out a pair of dark blue jeans and a black button down. Pulling the pants over his ass, he buttoned up and rolled up the shirtsleeves, all the while his gaze roamed over the attractive body on top of his bed. “You're being risky,” he pointed out.

“Why, tempted?” Hyungwon asked with a sensual grin and turned towards the side of the bed by lifting his legs in the air and leaving nothing to Hoseok's imagination. The black-haired man stood up and made his way to the bathroom, followed by a closed door and the sound of water.

_Snake._

Groaning he packed his stuff, slipped into his shoes before glancing at the closed door one last time and walked out, leaving the tempting young man in his hotel room. It was better like this.

_Don't get tempted._

_

The shooting went well and he only saw Hyungwon twice during the breaks. Hoseok pitied him a little because the photographer was average and couldn't really pull out the right things, let alone capture them.

_It's not your business._

He knew, but still his obsessiveness enhanced his attention and he always listened if someone mentioned the other man's name or if he suddenly appeared in his sight, glancing at him as if he knew exactly what Hoseok was thinking.

_He doesn't. Thank god, he doesn't._

Maybe he should've simply fucked him instead of his one night stand to stop this whole mess, maybe he should've stared at the gorgeous man until the low voice begged him for it, body reacting in a matter of seconds and trembling under his gaze alone, just like it did in the sauna. Fuck.

_He was breathtaking when he woke up._

A sigh followed and again, he didn't pay attention to his surroundings until it was too late. Too late to spot the slim person with blonde hair, the sharp gaze, the something he had seen years ago and mistook for loneliness.

_You make mistakes, did you forget?_

His body froze in place, just like his mind immediately started coming up with a plan to avoid any kind of interaction, with a way to leave, to not shoot here anymore, to go back to Paris. There was only one thing that was worse than having Sarah next to him.

_Having her next to Choux._

Hoseok didn't understand how it could happen, how he could miss the fact that his ex-wife was filming at the same location. He always checked in advance.

_Because this time you only checked about him._

It was too late and the woman almost reached him, mouth corners lifting up and showing a fake smile she didn't even bother to hide.

“Oh, long time no see, Hoseok. How are you doing? How is Choux?” Hoseok wanted to kill her for mentioning their daughter after what happened. She had lost the lawsuit and her parenting rights, but he knew how much Amelie had suffered from all of this.

“I was fine before meeting you. Let's not talk to each other. It ruins my mood,” he hissed in reply, curling his hands into tight fists at his sides as he attempted to walk past.

“I don't think you should be doing this after ruining our relationship and leaving your kid without a mother. You know that it's your fault, that's why you don't want to talk. You simply can't handle that I'm right about it and that you ruined mine and her life because of your selfishness. Did you leave her with your mom again? Is that how you can be here and work? You should be fucking ashamed of calling yourself a father. It's disgusting.” The words shouldn't have hurt, he didn't want them to but they did, so much that he felt the need to scream.

“Fuck you,” he whispered and walked towards the exit of the set, eyes burning and chest constricting as if someone had filled it with lead.

_It hurts because she is right._

***

His fingers felt sticky when he brushed through his hair and Hyungwon couldn't help the frown on his face. The photographer he was working with had about as much skill and talent as an eight-year-old with a toy camera. Maybe he was being meticulous, but Hyungwon was used to much better work, especially at the current stage of his career.

The eyeshadow was too much, the gel in his hair was disgusting and he couldn't wait to get to his hotel room and get pretty for the bar, show off his gorgeous face and body and hopefully meet the black-haired man he couldn’t stop thinking about since morning.

_Lies, it’s been months by now._

Hyungwon sighed aloud and forced a smile on his lips as his photographer walked past him and smiled widely. The person could get better with time, but right now wasn't it.

_At least you can be sure that Hoseok Lee doesn't hate you._

Rather the opposite, at this point Hyungwon felt like the older man had genuine sympathy towards him. There was no way that he detested him or avoided him because of dislike. Impossible.

_Because you saw what it looks like when he really doesn't like somebody._

The brief meeting that he had observed from his small table next to the cafeteria, big palms wrapped around a cup of coffee, had told him more than any description could have. Hyungwon had no idea who the blonde woman was that Hoseok had talked to. The fake smile but gorgeous face had been distracting until he saw the pure contempt on the other man's face. There was so much hatred and disgust, mixed with guilt as Hoseok turned around and just left, not bothering to talk to her anymore.

Hyungwon had been so shocked by the soundless conversation that he couldn't contain his own expression of surprise that only disappeared when he met the blonde woman’s eyes, feeling the smile she directed at him. He returned it, but couldn't help the discomfort that developed in the pit of his stomach.

No, Hoseok didn't hate him. He hated that woman, more than anything.

_

The sigh that left his lips was his third one, the result of bad company despite decent drinks and the lack of a particular photographer he had hoped to meet. Hyungwon had even been smarter than last time and hung out at the little lounge that Hoseok had used the last time, waiting for the older man to appear and preferably light him up like a match.

_But he's not here._

It was disappointing and showed how obsessive he actually was, hoping to see the photographer and enjoy his gaze. Waking up in a foreign bed with a gorgeous man next to him had been a little embarrassing, especially since he had been mostly drunk the night before.

_Only the way he looked at you and his fascination with your sleeping face made it okay._

For a brief moment Hyungwon considered repeating the whole thing, visiting Hoseok in his hotel room and allow him to photograph the moment he woke up that the black-haired man had wanted to do since forever.

_You're desperate, aren't you?_

He wanted those eyes, more than anything. He wanted them on his body, his face, and cause goosebumps to spread along his legs and fuel arousal that hadn't been there seconds before. Hyungwon had reached the point where the consequences didn't matter to him anymore. The older man was the only person he had ever met that didn't put his hands on him while he was vulnerable, drunk and naked in his bed. It was safe but dangerous at the same time, in different ways.

_It's perfect._

Swallowing, Hyungwon went to the bathroom of the bar and washed off his makeup, disbelieving that he was going to risk being seen only for the sake of looking the way Hoseok liked it.

_Since when do you want somebody that much?_

Since that someone pulled off his shell and smiled at the contents.

He remembered the way to Hoseok's hotel room well, avoiding anybody else that could have wanted to interact with him until he finally stood in front of the closed door and knocked, heart threatening to jump out of his chest and land in Hoseok's palm.

_It was easier when you were drunk._

He waited a while and almost gave up before the door opened wide, but the person opening simply walked back into the room without looking at who it was.

_Is he expecting somebody?_

Hyungwon lifted an eyebrow and pushed the door with his index finger to open further, carefully peeking into the hotel room. There were two bottles of wine on the table. Both looked empty and the room smelled like a college party. Hoseok didn't say anything and lay on the carpet.

_Holy shit, is he trying to drink himself into oblivion?_

Hyungwon would have chuckled at the irony considering his own behavior the day before, but the way the black-haired man looked lying on the carpet didn't let him. Hoseok was breathing slowly with his eyes closed, shirt covered chest lifting and sinking with each intake of oxygen.

Licking over his lips to keep his composure, he closed the door and stepped closer, crouching next to the other man's head.

“You okay there?” he asked and resisted the frown at the smell of partially digested alcohol. The wine wasn't even all that good either.

_What the hell happened?_

“Mhm, super okay. Are you living here now?” the low voice asked without the other man opening his eyes. Hoseok was apparently well enough for sarcastic comments.

“No, but I thought you wouldn't mind my presence. You seem to be at the point where anything is better than another bottle of wine.” Pursing his lips, he stood up and removed the bottles from the table, putting them on the counter where the room service could take care of them. It felt almost domestic when he grabbed a glass of water and poured some into it.

Making his way back to Hoseok on the carpet, he didn't bother crouching and sat down next to the older man.

“Here, drink some water,” he muttered and observed the photographer’s closed eyelids.

“Ew, I don't want water, I thought it was another bottle that I ordered and not you. Sorry.” The small eyes opened and the older man made a funny face, pursing his lips. “Was that mean?”

“It's fine,” Hyungwon muttered and wasn't sure what to do about the older man's destructive tendencies. What was the point of getting piss drunk and lying on the carpet? There was only a purpose if it was to forget or to sleep. Lying on the carpet wasn't the best indication of wanting to sleep.

_So it's to forget?_

“What happened?” Hyungwon asked quietly and crawled towards Hoseok's shoes to get the older man into the bed somehow. The first part was to take off his shoes. Hyungwon was a better drunk, undressing all by himself instead of rolling around on the carpet. The glass of water was somewhere next to them and he made a mental note to not knock it over.

“Do you feel tension again? There's none, I swear. I don't think I'm any good for your purposes right now. You deserve to be pressed into the wall and ravished, but I only want to lie on the carpet, so it is better if you find someone who is aware.” Hoseok was trying to support his words with gestures but it looked ridiculous.

“It's fine,” Hyungwon replied again and wondered where all that responsibility suddenly came from. He sighed and reached out for Hoseok's shoes, slipping them off the other man's feet. He was grateful that the black-haired man had decent hygiene and didn't smell like the Paris fish market in the 18th century. “Let's get you ready for bed. The carpet isn't the best place to lie on.”

Crawling back up, he was stupid as was to be expected and hit the glass of water, covering Hoseok's side and shirt in water.

“Fuck,” he hissed until he realized the advantage. “Even better, just take it all off and get into bed. Maybe brush your teeth too because- ah just do it.”

“Is this foreplay?” Hoseok asked with a doubtful look on his face. “Why do you want to undress me? Just leave me like this, I'm fine. Choux is not here, so I can be irresponsible. I left her again, ah, I should've checked the models, but I only checked for you.” Suddenly, the older man rolled to the side and stared at the space under the bed.

_He checked you? For what?_

“Okay- what? You are just babbling drunk bullshit at this point and if you think foreplay skills involve covering you in water while you roll on the carpet, then I'm really sorry for the boy you fucked yesterday. You can be irresponsible, but you need to function tomorrow, so grab my fucking hand and stand up.” For a brief moment, Hyungwon considered slapping Hoseok right across the face, for personal satisfaction, but he couldn't.

_He's drunk, you can't really blame him for being an idiot._

Only when he was sober again.

“I don't want to. Just leave,” Hoseok whispered and scratched over the carpet repeatedly. “I wonder why they didn't bring the other bottle. Maybe it was her, she likes it when I'm hurt.”

_It's not drunk behavior, Hyungwon. He's devastated._

The words left a sensation of bitterness in his chest as he stared at the man next to him for a few moments, watching the way he abused the carpet and didn't look at anything in particular.

“Who's ‘her’?” he asked even though he had a hypothesis. It could have only been the blonde model, the woman that conjured an expression Hyungwon had never seen before on Hoseok's face.

_He hates her more than anything._

“Ah- Sarah, she's also a model, you might get along.” Suddenly the older man managed to peel himself from the carpet and move towards the bathroom, holding onto the wall for stability that was definitely necessary.

“She seemed like a bitch,” Hyungwon remarked to show solidarity and jumped up from the ground to wrap one of his arms around Hoseok's waist and give the older man a hand on his journey. “Is she the reason you decided to get piss drunk?”

“I was trying to get her face out of my head, it's so hard. That's why I need another bottle. The brain cells that remember have to go.” Grabbing the toothbrush, Hoseok barely managed to put toothpaste on it and stuffed it in his mouth, glancing into the sink while his hand moved automatically, accompanied by a few tears that ran down the older man's cheeks. If Hyungwon wasn’t standing next to him he wouldn't have noticed that he was crying.

_It's not just any model, Hyungwon._

It was also not any woman and the longer he stared at the thick drops that quietly ran down Hoseok's face, the more he felt like adding a few of his own, pain that the sight caused burning his eyes.

The older man had met Amelie’s mother on a work trip even though it must have been the last thing he wanted for himself. Hyungwon remembered what the little girl had told him, the effort that Hoseok had put into removing the blonde woman from his surroundings, even hiding her pictures.

_You should have known, Amelie told you that her mom was a model._

“There are other ways to forget,” he whispered and grabbed his own toothbrush, hoping that Hoseok could remain stable for a few moments. He was quick, abandoning his typical routine then he wrapped both of his arms around Hoseok's waist. He swallowed, waiting until the black-haired man spat out the toothpaste and washed his face.

The cold water wasn't effective and Hyungwon could still see new drops developing and running down the round cheeks, leaving wet trails. It hurt to see, so he reached out and cupped Hoseok's face, turning it towards himself.

“Focus on me,” he whispered, gaze jumping from one almost black eye to the next.

“No. You have your own loneliness to deal with, I've seen it, you don't need my demons, they're safe in here.” The photographer pointed at his temple and grabbed the wall with his shaky fingers, walking towards the bedroom. Hoseok was a mess.

“To me it seems like you have more than you can handle,” he murmured and followed the wobbly steps to the main room, hands shaking with the desire to wrap his arms around the muscular man and make him feel better somehow. “You keep wanting to see the demons of others, pretending you can manage your own. Why do you think that you can bear it, but I can't?”

“I don't want you to bear it. It's my burden because I forced it on myself. It has nothing to do with you. You don't have to do anything only because I look at you the way I do.” A smile appeared on the handsome face, but it looked hollow. Hoseok tried to unbutton his shirt, but failed, finally grabbing the seam and pulling the piece of clothing over his head. “Go to bed and forget that you've seen me like this. I shouldn't have opened the door.”

_A pity party, how familiar._

Hyungwon didn't reply, because there was no point. Hoseok had already made up his mind and was emotional, focusing on the pain and attempting to ease it while blaming himself for its existence. It was familiar, all of it, the attempts to forget, to drown in alcohol, to blame himself for decisions made.

_But there are always reasons for decisions._

He unbuttoned his own shirt, threw it on a chair and repeated the same procedure with the rest of his clothes. There was no goal to impress this time, he only wanted to be fast, to get rid of everything and lie on the sheets. Once there was nothing covering his body, he crawled on the bed and slipped under the blanket, lifting it up while observing the older man standing next to the edge.

“Stop talking and come here,” he whispered, chewing on his lips.

“I guess you bonded with Choux about being bossy,” Hoseok murmured and let out a desperate sigh while trying to fight with his pants. After some time the attractive man finally managed and crawled under the blanket, turning to the side and staring at him. “I don't want you to see me like this. You're a piranha, you'll eat me if I'm injured.”

Hyungwon leaned in, leaving only a few millimeters between his and the other man's lips.

“Says the man who wants to see me vulnerable all the time,” he whispered and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck in a single motion, pulling him close. His fingers didn't hesitate to slip in between the dark strands, stroking over the silky hair.

“I like it, it's beautiful,” Hoseok whispered in reply, reaching out and tracing the shell of his ear with a touch so light it almost felt like he was imagining it. Hyungwon swallowed and buried his nose in the other man's neck. The scent of alcohol was still there, but he ignored it, focusing on the soft skin and the hot breaths tickling his neck. It wasn't sexual, not at all. He only wanted the older man to calm down; to relax and fall asleep the way Hyungwon had the night before, at peace with everything and himself.

“It is until the pain suddenly becomes real.”

“Real pain is beautiful too. Depends on the place it's coming from.” He felt the warm hands around his waist, but again, they were barely touching him. “Why are you here? You don't need to comfort me.”

“Don't worry,” he murmured and rubbed his lips over the warm skin while still holding on tightly, hands continuously stroking over Hoseok's hair. “It's purely selfish.”

He shifted and moved closer to feel the black-haired man’s chest against his own, touching all the way down to their hipbones.

“I only like falling asleep in your arms,” he lied.

***

He felt like jelly turned wine-vomit that someone spewed on a wall in some shady club in Paris. However, his alarm didn't care and he had to get up and go to work, knowing that his ex-wife would try to do her best to make him feel like shit.

_Fuck._

Groaning loudly, he curled his fingers around a pillow and overestimated his strength, having to pull it harder to finally throw it against the wall and open his eyes.

It took literally a second until another pillow that he wasn't even aware of landed on his face. There was a force pressing it down, pushing him deeper into the mattress accompanied by a rough voice.

“You fucker!”

_Who's that?_

Hoseok had no particular memories of last night apart from drinking wine and passing out after the third bottle. However, he didn't know Taekwondo for nothing, so he grabbed what was there and turned the guy, pushing him into the bed and swinging himself on top of him, knee pressing into a bony arm. He needed a few moments to realize that it was a familiar face.

_Hyungwon._

“What the fuck?” he asked himself.

The black-haired man attempted to free himself but failed, expression switching from anger to hurt in a matter of seconds. It was more visible than usual on Hyungwon's bare face, cheeks round and a healthy pink.

“You're the one taking away my pillow and squishing me with your fucking weight. The one who should be cursing is me, you asshole.”

“Just admit that you like it,” he hissed, because he had no means to act nice after killing half of his brain cells with wine. Nevertheless, his knee on the other man's arm looked painful, so he slipped lower, feeling Hyungwon's erection between his butt cheeks.

_Uhm._

“Why are you so uncomfortable!?”

_Also, why is he here?_

“Says the guy who passed out and pressed the fucking air out of my lungs. Since when is a tight hug an invitation for premature death?” Hyungwon huffed and turned to the side, but the other man's facial expression showed that he was embarrassed, at least until he hid it expertly.

“I have no idea why you're here. But as you already are, stop hiding your face.” Grinning, Hoseok decided that it was a good moment to roll his hips.

Watching the other man's expressions for a few seconds, he got up and crawled from the bed. “My shoot starts at nine,” he commented as if nothing happened.

He could see Hyungwon chewing on his cheek while sitting up slowly, probably embarrassed by the genuine response he showed, and gasping into Hoseok's face.

“How are you even able to walk after yesterday? Thank god I made you ditch the third bottle.” Huffing again, Hyungwon jumped up and beat him to the bathroom, locking himself in.

“I am able to; I just have no inhibition, which is precisely the reason why you shouldn't be here. Go back to your room,” he yelled while searching for something to wear.

“Let me at least brush my teeth and take a fucking piss before I go,” Hyungwon yelled as he heard the sound of the tap. “I'm not one of your model fuck boys, hoping for a pictorial. I've graduated from that.”

“Then why did you even stay? There's no reason for you to be here.” Hoseok wanted to yell, but murmured instead, pulling his jeans up and abandoning the shirt until he brushed his teeth. Walking towards the bathroom, he knocked, brushing his hair back and hoping to taste something different from half-digested wine.

“I'm good,” the low voice replied as the door finally opened and Hoseok was met with the model's pretty, pink face and his gorgeous naked body.

_He is so beautiful._

“God, you need to leave,” Hoseok murmured, but didn't move an inch, gaze walking over the other man's pretty legs to his stomach and chest, up his neck and tracing his lips. Damn. He wondered where he got the energy to do anything besides lying on the carpet and dying, but his sense of responsibility was no joke and so was his unbelievable attraction towards the person in his bathroom.

“I'm getting there,” Hyungwon replied and smiled suddenly, obviously encouraged by Hoseok's intense gaze. Biting down on his bottom lip, the black-haired man hesitated at the door, holding the eye contact.

“Are you now?” he whispered and felt the goosebumps travel all over his body at the sight. It wasn't only about the arousal, it was also about the insane attraction, the aesthetics and the tension. It was also about the way Hyungwon kept pulling him in with his vulnerability he wanted to see so badly. The problem was only that the other man hated it. He hated it a lot while Hoseok wanted to snap, grab the slim waist, the narrow hips, pull the black hair, sink his teeth into the soft neck. Fuck.

The pattern of the tall man's breaths changed, they were quicker and accompanied by gorgeous motions of his chest. Long fingers held onto the door handle, hesitating to push it and walk out, break the eye contact. The tension flared up in a matter of seconds, even though it hadn't been there before Hoseok entered the bathroom.

“Do you… still want me to leave?” Hyungwon asked and licked over his lips.

“No. But I'm also not in my right mind right now, I told you,” he whispered, moving closer almost automatically. “I give you three seconds to leave. One,” he hissed.

Hyungwon hesitated, eyes jumping from his eyes to his lips and over his whole body. He could see the way the lean muscles contracted and held the tension until it suddenly reduced, like a decision that was made.

“You'll need more than forty minutes before a shooting for me,” the gorgeous man commented and blew him a kiss before closing the bathroom door.

_Fuck._

He was thankful, he really was because he lost awareness of his actions and his brain only knew one body, one face, one name.

Hyungwon.

_It's not supposed to be like this._

_

“Did you drink? Really? Shouldn't you know better?” The familiar low voice that caused nothing but pain and anxiety inside his chest returned as he sipped on his coffee, trying not to die from the bad hangover. He was trying hard to remember what happened last night, whether he did or said something that could've been considered bad timing, bad behavior, too much information, or all three.

_She won't leave you alone._

“Are you here to make yourself feel better? It wasn't about you. I don't give a single flying shit about you, Mrs. Lee. Please change your name, I don't see why you have to take things other people cherish and taint them.” It was better this time, he was prepared to be treated like shit, cursed at, made responsible for any bad in the world and to protect Choux if the woman was going to try to say something.

“You should've thought about it before I let you inside my body and before saying yes. I heard you're having fun on your work trips, using the poor models who want an opportunity for a pictorial to let them ride your dick. I bet you're telling them that there is something special about them, just like you did with me. Does Amelie know that her dad is a person like that?” The last bit was definitely too much, so he turned his head and glared at the beautiful woman he once liked.

“Fuck you, Sarah. Don’t let me ever hear her name come out of your mouth. Leave me alone and leave her alone. It can't be hard, you’ve done so well for the past year,” Hoseok hissed and gulped down his coffee and burning his tongue in the process.

“Oh, come on, Hoseok. You act as if it all happened because I did some meaningless stuff. Who is the one who lied to me for years before simply abandoning me to fuck around the way you wanted to, you asshole? ” There it was again, the main accusation he had to deal with. “Amelie still doesn't know that you fuck dudes right? That it was the reason why she has to grow up without a mom?”

_Leave. Just leave, Hoseok._

He got up and walked towards the exit, brushing over someone's shoulder on the way out, but he couldn't even tell who it was. His eyes burned and he wanted to drink even though his stomach revolted at the thought alone.

His feet carried him to the empty room that was used for props and he closed the door, sinking to the middle of the floor, surrounded in darkness. It hurt so much, so fucking much.

_At least you didn't bring Choux along._

It was dark and quiet around him, nothing but blankets, flowerpots and boxes. Suddenly the door opened, but only let in a thin line of light. It wasn't enough to illuminate him, but sufficient for the big but thin hand that slipped through, holding a glass.

“Water?” Hyungwon’s low voice whispered behind the door. “It doesn't do anything magical, but it's better than nothing.”

He would've chuckled if he wasn't fucking devastated. Water was okay, so he curled his fingers around the glass and gulped down the refreshing alternative to coffee and wine.

“Thanks,” he whispered, pressing himself against the wall to feel the cool surface and calm down. He was getting reckless, throwing his vulnerability all over the place and relying on others.

_On him. You really shouldn't be relying on him._

“Want me to tell them that you saw something fascinating to take a picture of? Could buy you some time to be left alone,” Hyungwon murmured and Hoseok could feel the long fingers stroke over his shoulder briefly in reassurance. It was much more than he would have expected of the black-haired man. Instead of replying, he curled his hand around the thin wrist and pulled Hyungwon into the room, door closing and leaving them in complete darkness.

“Why do you care?” he whispered, eyes slowly getting used to the lack of light and making out the shiny surface of the coffee-brown eyes.

“Because it must suck,” Hyungwon muttered and Hoseok could see the other man glancing to the side and staring at a plain cardboard box as if it was worth his attention.

“Let me repeat my question. Why do you care whether something sucks for me or not? Why are you always here when I feel like shit? Isn't it weird?” His fingers warmed up due to their body contact and he shifted his grip, leaving a hint of a touch while still holding onto Hyungwon's slim wrist. “This is not about tension, is it?”

The model looked uncomfortable and his body language changed, enough for Hoseok to be able to tell in the dark. White teeth settled on his full bottom lip as Hyungwon finally ripped his eyes away from the meaningless cardboard box and looked at him.

“It's purely selfish,” the black-haired man whispered, meeting his gaze, “I enjoy your company.”

_Fucking liar._

“You enjoy my company? How much? How much do you enjoy my company?” he hissed, angry because of the blatant lie and leaning closer until he could feel the tall man's exhales against his face. “This much?” He made sure to not touch the beautiful person; he only licked his lips and loosened his grip on the wrist he was still holding. Leaning in a few millimeters until there was barely space between their lips, Hoseok blew against the parted mouth, fingers curling into fists to not give in to what he wanted to do so badly. “Or like this?”

Hyungwon clenched his jaw, freezing in place and staring at him without saying a word, dragging the seconds like feet through heavy sand.

“Enough to not shamelessly use your weaknesses when you feel like shit,” the plump lips whispered against his, brushing lightly with each word. The younger man's gaze stayed stable, holding his just like his lungs held onto oxygen.

“I don't know how you would use me. There is nothing to use, you have a pictorial, you're famous and I'm not what you want. You confuse me and you lie, but still you are here with your glass of water.” Suddenly Hoseok remembered that the other man had emptied a glass of water over his chest while he lay drunk on the floor and told him to leave. “You did the same thing yesterday, right? Is it because of Amelie? I told you, you don't have to. Why did you come to my room, sleep in my bed, and show me how beautiful you look when you wake up? I already have a space in my head that's filled with you, I don't need more,” he lied and exhaled sharply, upper lip slightly brushing over Hyungwon's soft mouth. Hoseok wanted more, but he shouldn't have, not to forget and not to feel better. He should stay miserable until it went away on its own.

_Because it would mean she was right._

“It has nothing to do with Amelie and you know that as well as I do. Yesterday I told you that I enjoy falling asleep in your arms. You keep assuming that there is some ulterior motive and I keep telling you, that's it. The motive is right here for you to see.” Hyungwon exhaled sharply, but didn't attempt to move. The soft breaths had increased in frequency and Hoseok could feel the tension build, only because of how close they were. “I like the attention and you’d like to forget. Isn't it perfect?” the gorgeous man whispered and brushed his bottom lip over Hoseok's on purpose.

His inhibition short-circuited and he caught the soft, plump mouth, melting and exploding at the same time, so intense, so exciting and he wanted to know what Hyungwon tasted like, but he couldn't. He couldn't do it.

“Perfect? There's nothing like that,” he heard his own low voice as he managed to lean back and let some air pass between their lips. He heard quick breaths, felt the tingling of his skin and the way the tension didn't fade, only got thicker, pulling him in just like those lips he stared at.

Hyungwon's eyes widened and the younger man exhaled roughly, tongue slowly licking over the smooth surface of his lips.

“There isn't,” he breathed out and Hoseok could feel long fingers touch his hip bone and travel upwards along his sides. “But I'm pretty good at getting damn close to it.”

“I'm not convinced,” he lied, while his whole body started burning at the simple touch alone, at the wish to connect their lips again as if he was able to breathe again, to feel, to forget.

_Can you say no to this?_

Reaching for Hyungwon's face, he brushed his fingers over the other man's cheek, tracing its form in the darkness. He wanted to take pictures, to capture it in proper light.

“You don't like to be touched, do you?” he asked and removed his hand, slipping it into the pocket of his jeans instead.

Hyungwon hissed and sucked his lips into his pretty mouth right after, reluctant to reply as his hands travelled higher and Hoseok could feel fingers sinking into the strands of his hair.

“I don't,” the black-haired man replied while staring at him. “I hate it when people want to use my shell for themselves. But… you don't care about the shell, do you?”

“I don't. But you don't want to show what's behind the shell, do you?” Hoseok asked back and exhaled hot air against Hyungwon's lips. It felt intense to look at each other in the darkness. It felt intimate and important, even though it shouldn't have. “It's your decision. I'm nobody to you, so why would you? I understand you very well. I just - I think that it's beautiful. You are beautiful, behind the shell.”

Hyungwon didn't reply as his eyes widened a little, revealing the vulnerability that Hoseok loved so much, his authenticity that shone through with each passing second and the honesty with which the black-haired man bit down on his lips and applied pressure to Hoseok's shoulders.

“Kiss me, Hoseok.”

***

_Hate is only the response to somebody who can hurt you._

Hating a person so much that all usual behaviors become obsolete and one simply runs, must have been the reaction to intense hurt. There was no other explanation.

Hyungwon had never seen that much pain and conflict on Hoseok’s face, not even when he had been drunk and cried. The older man's features were shattered, lips pressed and eyes squeezed together. It hurt to watch.

_How could you do nothing?_

He hadn't even thought twice after seeing the broad man run past him, brushing his shoulder. His body moved to the kitchen all on its own and prepared a glass of water. It may not ease Hoseok's suffering, but it was a small sign of affection.

_She blames him for living._

Hyungwon could imagine that Amelie’s mother wouldn't be fond of the other man sleeping with men, but it was none of her business at this point. Hoseok was free to be with whoever he wanted and Hyungwon had never met anybody who was that careful about who he was with as long as his daughter was around. Even if Amelie knew, it was fine to have a love life. The only thing one might have criticized about the black-haired man was giving young models false hopes, but somehow Hyungwon doubted that was the case. False hope looked different.

_You know that too well, first hand._

He had no expectations when he offered a glass of water and attempted to explain why he was so concerned. There was no explanation. Nothing connected him and the photographer who pulled him into the dark storage room. Nothing apart from the tension that was built from gazes and Hyungwon's curiosity about what Hoseok could see, what revealed itself behind the mask, the facade he had built up.

None of these things explained his behavior and Hoseok wasn't willing to listen to his lies. Lips touched his and sent electric impulses throughout his whole body. A kiss wasn't supposed to feel like that. It was supposed to be wet and unpleasant, an unnecessary connection between two people, but here he was, burning up from the inside and wishing for nothing more but those lips against his. Hyungwon wanted to feel it again, to have Hoseok come closer and meet his lips.

_It's the first time. You never wanted him to kiss you before._

He had helped because the other man's pain was unbearable and looked like something he could understand, a feeling that nobody deserves. But Hoseok was able to switch within seconds, wrapping him around his finger and playing with his intense responses. It was purely sexual, the tension he felt when Hoseok looked at him, really looked at him.

His lips tingled from the touch as he thought about how to explain to Hoseok why his touch was different. Hyungwon hated to be touched, but it must have been the intention. Mostly people touched him because of his looks, the idea that they could own him for the time being, take over him.

_But he's not like that at all. He finds you attractive, but that's not what fascinates him._

The thought excited Hyungwon so much, that there was something behind the layers, the layers of makeup and pretty features, that Hoseok was fascinated by and wanted to see. It wasn't about the shell, but it was about what was behind the shell.

The darkness intensified the touches, turning every breath into a caress against his face. Hoseok spoke, voice low and gorgeous, telling him that he understood Hyungwon's hesitation, that there was no reason to show vulnerability.

_There wasn't, but still you did it, yearning for the gaze and the hint of a smile._

_You're addicted._

“I just - I think that it's beautiful. You are beautiful, behind the shell,” Hoseok finished quietly, genuine and raw.

Hyungwon couldn't help the way his eyes widened, the understanding that the black-haired man wasn't only fascinated by what he could see. It was exactly what Hyungwon had thought, that Hoseok had seen something beneath the shell that he liked and enjoyed. It was a first, the first time that somebody told him there was something to him and didn't mean his face.

His hands were trembling and he couldn't suppress the yearning, the desire to pull Hoseok's hair and tilt his head, mouths clashing together to taste the older man. Hyungwon wanted it, more than anything. He wanted to feel those eyes on him, to have them touch him while those curved lips whispered against his skin, telling him what they could see.

“Kiss me,” he whispered, unable to hold it in.

Hoseok watched him, holding his breath and he could feel the black eyes on him, stroking his face before a pale hand reached towards it and repeated the gentle touches, careful and aware. The air got thinner between them, filled with a breath that Hoseok had been holding and the hotness of the other man's skin, before his warm, curved lips enveloped his mouth, exploring it and he felt fingers sink into his hair.

Hyungwon whimpered at the touch, unable to help it as he immediately returned it. His arms wrapped tightly around Hoseok's neck and pulled the older man as close as possible, chests flush against each other and one of the muscular thighs squeezing into the space between his own. There was a low moan and only when a curved mouth caught it did he realize that it was his own.

It felt hot suddenly, as if his skin was burning and there wasn't enough air to breathe in. There was no point to what they were doing; no logic, but still Hyungwon couldn't resist the touch. The older man's lips were wet but warm against his, sending sparks of arousal between his legs.

Hoseok's hands were careful, one curling around his waist and another raking through his hair while the juicy lips explored his mouth, sucked on his bottom lip and exhaled hot air filled with hisses.

There was no control over it, no hidden intentions to make the older man follow his wishes or give him something particular. There was no thought apart from the desire to have Hoseok closer and have him touch every inch of his body. Hyungwon wanted their eyes to meet and to feel that gaze on him while the warm hands acted on every single thought in Hoseok's head. It wasn't like him at all, desperate and urgent, but here he was, whimpering again and tugging at the black-haired man's shoulders.

A careful movement of Hoseok's tongue parted his lips, before the older man stepped back, loosening his embrace reluctantly.

“You said I need more than forty minutes before a shoot for you,” the older man whispered, gaze roaming over his face while the touch of his hands faded slowly from his awareness.

Hyungwon stared, breathless from kissing and mind blank from arousal. A few moments were necessary to process what Hoseok had even said, hands still pulling lightly.

_He's right, you're in a fucking storage room, Hyungwon. In the middle of a shoot._

Peeling his awareness from Hoseok's guilty mouth, he grinned and licked over his lips.

“You do, and a nicer location. I'm picky.”

Hoseok hummed and licked over his lips before leaning in and sucking on his bottom lip, before letting go with a wet sound.

“You're addicting,” the low voice whispered and the dark gaze supported the other man's words so well. “But I don't want to do this when there is anything else on my mind besides you.”

“Then maybe you should think about ways to intertwine our professional paths,” Hyungwon replied quietly and stretched out his tongue, sliding it over the form of Hoseok's lips. They tasted delicious, like coffee and something sweet. It was difficult to resist, so he closed his eyes for a few seconds to be demanding and in control, the way he liked to be. “I prefer it when you're the one to take my pictures.”

“Then you should let me see what I want to take pictures of,” Hoseok replied and met his tongue briefly. “I won't take pictures of the shell.”

Hyungwon smiled, perfectly aware of what it was that Hoseok wanted to see. Biting down on his bottom lip, he reached for the door handle and pushed it down. It was sufficient to let in a small line of light, the right amount to illuminate his face. It was simple with Hoseok, much easier than with anybody else. Hyungwon relaxed his features, dropped his guard and let Hoseok see it, the vulnerability, the uncertainty, and the worries. It was all there at once, almost overwhelming him because he allowed it to show. His hands trembled from the desire to close the door again and become invisible.

The older man lifted both hands and formed a camera out of his thumb and index fingers, making a shutter noise with his lips and smiling.

“Breathtaking,” he whispered.

Hyungwon smiled at that, nodding briefly.

“I might let you see it,” he whispered and leaned in, touching the older man's warm lips for a brief second before ripping the door open and slipping out as fast as he was able to. It wasn't the most graceful escape since he stumbled over a random broom, but it gave him some time to reflect on the way it felt to kiss when he wasn't trying hard to be somebody else.

_It's almost too much._

It was bright outside the room and he needed a while to get used to the light. Luckily there was nobody in the hallway, wondering why the hell he just came out of the storage room.

Hyungwon brushed his hair back and hurried towards the set, mind already coming up with an excuse for his disappearance.

_You should have looked for an excuse to see him again._


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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The sun had already risen from behind the beautiful but somewhat dirty beige residential buildings as he sunk into the comfort of the couch that afforded him the breathtaking view. Choux was at school and he had a free day that he planned to spend on cooking something for the week, grocery shopping and calling the magazines that left messages in his mailbox.

His gaze stayed on the espresso in the Klimt-style porcelain cup that he got from a good friend, before it passed over the grey carpet, the wooden cupboard and finally the bookshelf that he kept the pictures of his pictorial with Hyungwon.

_You want to look at him again. You know it won't help, why would you do it?_

Hoseok sighed, drank the rest of his coffee and placed the cup on the glass table in front of the couch. There was no use in resisting it, so he walked towards the shelf, carefully pulling out a file with the pictures.

_You'll suffer._

He knew and still his gaze travelled over the gorgeous prints, hungrily taking in every single detail and licking over his lips, remembering the other man's taste, his plump mouth and his big hands on his sides. It was a weird combination of different feelings. There was some arousal, some curiosity, some longing, affection and a little anxiety.

_It's the first time in a while that you’ve missed someone like this._

Groaning loudly because the feeling simply continued to stay inside his chest without any resolution, Hoseok grabbed his phone and dialed the number saved under one.

“How are you?” his cousin’s low voice sounded from the speaker and he smiled.

“I'm fine, and you? I wanted to ask you for a favor.” Hoseok was prepared to be cursed at, so he deliberately put some distance between the phone and his ear.

“What is it?” Kihyun didn't seem very surprised and also not angry for some reason.

“I want to have the pictorial you're doing with Hyungwon today.” He was crazy, unreasonable and egotistical, in addition to having a lack of inhibitions and starting to get emotionally involved.

“I'm literally preparing the set right now, you unreasonable bastard, have you made up? I heard you went to a shooting even though Sarah was there. Why? Are you losing your mind?” His friend sounded worried and he rather had a point.

“I was. I drank myself into oblivion and Hyungwon somehow managed to couch surf on my bed for two consecutive nights, but now I want to take pictures of him, so I need your pictorial. I promise I won't change your concept. Not completely,” he rowed back.

“You… You what? Just take it. You better be here in fifteen minutes, he's getting ready. You can tell him what the fuck happened.” Huffing, Kihyun hung up on him.

It was egoistic and reckless, but still he had only one thought.

_You'll see him again._

_

He pulled into a parking spot he just made up because it actually wasn't one. It was a sidewalkish-kind-of-spot, but it was located nicely right in front of the entrance to the set that happened to be inside a loft that the production company rented specifically for Kihyun’s shoot.

_And then he tells you that you're demanding._

Shaking his head at his friend's demands after having no reason to because he literally stole his photoshoot, Hoseok entered the building and ran up, nodding at Kihyun who shook his head at him. They were indeed related, genes were scary.

_You'll see him._

His heartbeat picked up and he exhaled all the air that his lungs contained, before sucking in a very long breath filled with the scent of Kihyun’s coffee and something reminiscent of flowers. His friend gestured towards the prepared black and white set. It looked good, maybe he really wouldn't have to change anything. It was perfect.

_You'll see him._

He smiled to himself like an idiot and started setting up his equipment. Thankfully he didn't have to do the lighting either, it was nice and something told him that Kihyun prepared it just the way he knew Hoseok would have wanted it. He was thankful, he really was.

“Go and explain to him why the crazy photographer is taking pictures of him and not the rational one who just cares about a nice outcome,” Kihyun’s low voice murmured as the other man gestured towards the fitting rooms.

“I will,” he replied quietly and walked towards the slightly open door, heart beating so fast that one might have thought that he did something physically straining. He didn't.

_You'll see him._

His thoughts were like a broken record, but he couldn't do anything about it. Knocking carefully, he waited for a sign to come in.

There was a low hum, familiar to his ears and immediately constructing the face Hyungwon most likely made as he produced it. Hoseok lightly pushed the door and looked around the small, improvised fitting room. The man he was looking for, sat on one of the makeup chairs and watched his reflection as the stylist applied blush to his cheeks. It was a bright peach color. Kihyun must have planned for Hyungwon's face to be the brightest part of the shooting.

_He's gorgeous, but still you want to wipe it from his face._

“Can you leave us for a second?” he asked the bearded man who seemed to be having a heart attack just from seeing his face.

_He doesn't like you, does he?_

Hoseok didn't care, so he gestured to support his words and waited until he was alone with the black-haired man, who turned to the side and stared at him with wide eyes. Hyungwon didn't attempt to mask his surprise or pretend that he had expected Hoseok to come. It took several long seconds during which they stared at each other, and the younger man held onto his makeup table, until Hyungwon was finally able to speak.

“Have you come to visit your cousin?” he asked and smiled a little, fingers relaxing and legs crossing almost automatically.

“No, I don't do stuff like that. I came to take pictures of you, if you're ready.” Hoseok smiled and gestured outside. “Ah, and also please remove the blush, it's terrible,” he added.

The model lifted an eyebrow before simply grabbing a wet tissue and wiping over his face, eyes remaining focused on him.

“You're going to take pictures of me? What else do you need me to remove?” Hyungwon asked and chuckled briefly.

“I would say everything, if I was impulsive but let's be professional about this. Just remove the eyeliner and the highlights on your cheeks.” Hoseok was extremely impulsive, but the other man didn't need to know that. He let his gaze travel over the white clothes the model wore. They fit so well with his slim build, so he didn't suppress the smile on his face. Hyungwon was perfect.

“You're not impulsive? That's new.” The younger man smiled, teeth settling on a beautifully red bottom lip. It seemed natural and Hoseok could still remember the color Hyungwon's lips had in the morning. Suddenly the other man winked at him and turned back towards his mirror, focusing on his reflection. The white knuckles were what told him that his gaze still had an effect. “I'll take care of it even though you crashed my shoot and will probably change everything as always. Just for you, Hoseok.”

“I didn't crash anything, I asked Kihyun, even though I admittedly haven't asked you and I literally didn't change a thing about the set. He told me to tell you myself, so I'm here and you have no point whatsoever. You need to put in some effort to gain my appreciation.” Hoseok winked back and leaned against the wall, hissing at the stylist who tried to enter to fuck off again.

“Don't scare him, he's sensitive.” Hyungwon chuckled again and didn't stop smiling, even when he reached for another wet makeup wipe and went over his eyes and cheeks. “I'll need him to fix this mess.”

“What mess? Don't diss my preferences. I'll wait for you.” He smiled to himself this time and left the room, pushing the bearded guy inside instead.

His cameras were perfectly set and Kihyun had left, reminding him that he had to be home when Choux came back from school. He remembered that.

_But still you're here instead of doing all those things you wanted to do._

Sighing, he concentrated on the set and the white figure that walked out of the fitting room and stepped on the black and white floor, watching him.

“Are you ready?” he asked, holding the heavy camera in his hand and only waiting for the things that he knew Hyungwon could show him, just like he promised.

“Always,” the beautiful man whispered and sat down on the chair, legs spreading slightly instead of crossing as they usually would. Hyungwon was not only opening up internally, but also showed it in his body posture and the vulnerability that slipped past his controlled features, pulling Hoseok in like a hidden chamber that he was too curious about to look for the exit.

Stepping closer, he narrowed his gaze and started walking circles around Hyungwon, taking in every detail, anything that he hadn’t seen yet and that he couldn't know from pictures. After he was done, Hoseok crouched down between the other man's legs and looked up, slowly lifting the cam to his face and focusing on the other man's expressions.

Hyungwon lifted an eyebrow first, revealing that he was insecure about the angle and attempted to adjust the tilt of his head. It took a few moments until the fakeness suddenly dissipated, as if the black-haired man suddenly remembered that he was dealing with Hoseok. The luscious plump lips parted and big eyes focused on the lens, revealing everything at once, like a small present only for the camera, for him. There was insecurity, hesitation, authenticity and beauty, all at once.

Hoseok pressed the shutter release a few times, trying to catch it all, one moment in time, important and definitely rare, worth catching and making it last. He didn't say anything, it wasn't necessary, instead he got back to his feet and walked a few steps to increase the distance between them. He wanted to concentrate on both, Hyungwon's face and his body.

_You are so fascinated by him._

It felt strange to him, but art was like this, wasn't it? It forced him to do crazy things, pissing people off and making them think that he was an insane person.

Hoseok brushed his hair back and grabbed a chair from the side, placing it in front of himself and sitting on it, backrest pressed against his chest and legs spread.

“Let's see,” he whispered, low voice audible in the empty room. He loved working without people around. His gaze narrowed on the model's long legs first, brushing over the white fabric and stroking along the creases.

Hyungwon responded immediately, chest lifting with a deep inhale and legs spreading a little wider. Challenge returned to the beautiful man's face as he spread his legs and slipped a little lower in his chair, one eyebrow a little higher than the other without being mocking. The black-haired man was really good at his art, showing hints with fluid transitions, as if he expressed his thoughts through his body.

_He keeps teasing you with it._

Hoseok smirked at that, holding his camera in his right hand, ready to take pictures, but the thing he wanted to see wasn't there yet. Dealing with Hyungwon meant putting in effort, he had recognized it from the start, that's why he didn't go through with his offer to show his suite to the other man. Now, that they were alone on the set, he was willing to put in effort to see something that he knew was there if he stared long enough.

Focusing his gaze on the lean thighs, he slipped higher, touching the toned stomach, brushing over the small, hardened nipples, dark and so attractive. He wanted to know how they would taste when he played with them, rub the tip of his tongue against them, what kind of sound Hyungwon would make. Hoseok licked over his lips.

A soft gasp left the other man's mouth, resembling music to his ears. Hyungwon was beautiful as defiance made room for arousal and curiosity, features and muscles relaxing again. The posture stayed for a few seconds only until it faded again and restraint became visible through the tension in the younger man's hands, fists clenched. His eyes were big and attentive, pulling him in.

Hoseok wanted him. He loved the way the gorgeous body moved under his gaze, how Hyungwon looked at him, how his legs spread slightly, revealing how tight his pants were. He loved it all.

_It's insane._

He took a few pictures and slipped closer on his chair, tilting his head and enjoying the angle from which he could see the golden skin of Hyungwon's neck that transitioned into his flat chest, one of the dark nipples peeking out if he leaned in close enough.

Licking over his lips, Hoseok crossed his arms on top of the backrest and laid his chin on them, gaze brushing over Hyungwon's bare neck, so tender and bitable. Shit, he couldn't help it and lifted his finger in front of his face, stroking over the image in front of him.

Hyungwon tilted his head back, as if Hoseok was really touching him, golden neck uncovered and glistening in the bright lights. The black-haired man's hands that had been loosely hanging at his sides, reached for the edge of the chair and applied pressure, showing how much the gaze affected the gorgeous being in front of him.

Hoseok kept filling the memory card with gorgeous shots, but it didn't prevent him from reacting. He would have captured the thick tension between them if he could, but it was impossible and only showed on his and the model’s faces.

“What are you thinking?” he asked, shifting closer and spreading his legs wider to adjust to his growing arousal. His gaze didn't leave the black-haired man even for a second.

“I'm thinking about how your touch would feel,” Hyungwon whispered back and exhaled sharply. The black-haired man removed his hand from the chair and reached for his neck, fingertips carefully stroking upwards towards his chin. It looked beautiful and caused the model to lean further back, but their gazes remained connected. “Whether your hands are just as daring as your eyes are.”

“They are,” he replied, filling the silence with the sharp sounds of the shutter release. “I wonder about your voice and what you sound like when you can't control it anymore.”

“Do you?” Hyungwon asked and chuckled, lips spreading in a smile. “You might be able to find out if you keep going like this.” The beautiful man closed his eyes for a few seconds before hitting Hoseok with genuine emotions again. It was raw want, written on every feature of the small face, the eyebrows, the wide eyes and the parted lips. Every inhale screamed how necessary it was and Hyungwon's big hands travelled over his slim chest until they settled on his lean thighs.

Hoseok wanted to touch him with his hands, his lips, and his tongue, take him in with all his senses at once. The mind was a funny thing, already coming up with possible excuses why it was okay to simply stand up and grab the small face, clash their lips together, let his fingers run over the other man's neck, shoulders, and sides. Grab his firm thighs and lift him, push his skinny body against the black walls, hear what it sounded like when the model couldn't hold back. Shit.

Hoseok hissed, gaze still penetrative and intense as he stood up and walked the two steps, glancing down.

“Can I kiss you and take a picture right after?” he asked.

Hyungwon didn't reply at first, but he could see how the other man's breath hitched, lips parting and Adam's apple bobbing.

“Yes,” the gorgeous man whispered eventually and increased the grip on his own thighs, leaving small dents in the fabric of his white pants.

_Why are you doing all this? It's not for the pictures, is it?_

He stepped closer, crouching down slowly until their faces were across from each other. Lifting his hands, he let his fingers slide over Hyungwon's smooth cheek, gaze travelling along.

A low hiss entered his ears, followed by big eyes that settled on his face. Hyungwon was watching him intently, body trembling under his touch.

He wanted it to stay longer, to make it last, savor every second, but he let go of his inhibitions and leaned in, catching the thick lips, warm and so soft, making his own mouth tingle in anticipation of what he could feel, what was possible.

Hyungwon remained in place, but immediately kissed back, warm tongue meeting his. The black-haired man melted into his touch, lips soft and easily giving in to each motion of his body and mouth. A soft moan disappeared between them, but Hoseok couldn't tell whether it was his or Hyungwon's.

It felt like eating, but getting hungrier as time passed. His tongue was exploring Hyungwon's mouth, tasting coffee and something else that he couldn't determine. Hoseok melted into the kiss, fingers sinking into the other man's silky hair and pulling lightly, all of it accompanied by a desperate hiss.

_You only wanted a picture, didn't you?_

He didn't.

Hyungwon moaned at the pull, right into Hoseok's mouth as the younger man suddenly reached out and grabbed his arm. Pulling him even closer, Hyungwon returned the kiss with more vigor, nibbling on his bottom lip and sucking it into his mouth.

_It's a perfect moment._

Hoseok moaned, but leaned back, pulling Hyungwon's lip with his teeth until he let go and exhaled sharply. He needed a moment, but lifted the camera and focused the lens on the other man's gorgeous face, pressing the shutter release a few times, catching the raw want in the beautiful face.

“That's it.”

“Kiss me,” Hyungwon murmured and pulled at his arm, attempting to let their lips meet again. The black-haired man looked stunning, swollen lips, big eyes, heavy breaths leaving the sinful mouth and the desperate attempts to have Hoseok closer.

_Shit._

He put the camera on the floor and licked Hyungwon's taste from his lips, before grabbing the small face with both palms and clashing their lips together, a desperate moan leaving his throat. It took less than a second for the model to wrap both of his arms around his neck and pull him between his legs. Hoseok could feel the pressure of Hyungwon's slim thighs squeezing him.

“You're making me lose it,” he hissed and let his hands travel along the slim man's sides, over his hipbones and thighs, before curling around them and licking into the hot mouth. There was no reply, only long fingers that sank into his hair and tilted his head to the side before basically devouring him. The tugs were insistent, keeping him close until plump lips kissed along his jaw and neck instead of his mouth, biting his sensitive skin.

_What about professionalism? You're literally at work, Hoseok._

“Fuck, I can't be doing this, I'm not on holiday,” he whispered, leaning back and staring at Hyungwon's wet, swollen mouth. His inhibition worked for exactly a second before he caught the thick lips again; moaning at the touch and how intense it felt.

“I don't care, take a holiday,” Hyungwon muttered before using his grip on Hoseok's shoulders to pull himself up and turn them around. His body hit the chair, followed by a slim body leaning into him as the younger man held onto his shoulder with one hand while tugging at his hair with the other. There was so much urgency involved, soft moans leaving the beautiful man's lips.

“I can't take a holiday, I'm at work. I'm supposed to take pictures of you, not have you on my lap while losing my shit.” Fuck, Hyungwon was too attractive, too eager, too rough, all those things that he liked so much.

“You don't have me on your lap yet, but you're close,” the other man whispered and nibbled on Hoseok's lips while placing one of his knees on top of his lap. The caresses continued along his neck, followed by a bite that sent another wave of arousal between his legs.

_The piranha will eat you right here._

Circling one arm around the other man's ridiculously slim waist, Hoseok stood up and bit into the delicious neck, before soothing it with his tongue and leaning back.

_Oh god you managed._

“This isn’t our last time meeting, is it?” he whispered and picked up the camera from the floor.

“That-” Hyungwon gasped and licked over his lips, “depends on whether I get more when we meet again.” The black-haired man was so stunning when he was breathless, allowing Hoseok to hold his waist while keeping his long arms wrapped around his neck.

“I can't promise anything. And I never do.”

_Besides that one time when you broke it._

“But I do want to see you. Independent of whether I can taste you.” Brushing his hair back, he removed his hands from the other man's waist and stepped back some more, to not trigger himself.

“Then you will see me,” Hyungwon replied and brushed through his hair. A few more seconds passed during which Hoseok could observe various emotions pass over the gorgeous man's face, until simple calm settled in and the model turned around. Hoseok observed his white back as he opened the door to the small fitting room and disappeared inside it.

_You can't be next to each other. It's dynamite._

After he had packed up his equipment and Hyungwon got dressed into his own clothes that consisted of a black suit, they said their goodbyes in a professional manner and left the set. There was only a little bit of the want in Hyungwon's gaze when they walked down the stairs and he glanced at the parking ticket stuck to his car, a little embarrassed for parking like an idiot.

“Get in, I'll drop you off at your apartment. It's on the way,” he suggested and unlocked the doors, gesturing for the black-haired man to get in.

Hyungwon smiled as if he knew perfectly well that it wasn't really and nodded, sliding into the passenger seat like he belonged there. There was nothing apart from the same, pretty smile directed towards him as he got into the car. Only when he turned on the motor and moved out of his shitty parking spot, he suddenly felt a big hand on his thigh.

“Will you let me have the pictures, or are they your guilty pleasure?” the black-haired man asked softly.

“They're beautiful, I'll pick the ones that suit the concept and the magazine will get those. But of course I can give you the others if you're interested. I have very high standards when it comes to the quality of pictures, so I usually don't bother taking any if there's nothing to see. They are probably all good. I don't have your number though.” Hoseok spoke fast but looked ahead, concentrating on the busy streets of Paris.

_Don't hit anyone only because you're excited about a hand on your thigh, like a teenager._

“Of course you don't,” the model replied with a smile and took a pen out of his small leather bag. Hoseok expected a paper to follow, but it didn't. Instead, the black-haired man opened the black pen and leaned in. Something ticklish brushed his bicep, but continued steadily, moving quickly towards his forearm. Hyungwon was writing his phone number on his arm.

_He's crazy, isn't he?_

“Did you just write your phone number on my arm? You don't want to be called, do you?” he hissed as soon as they stopped at a crossing and the traffic lights turned red. Turning around, he glared at the handsome man who was showing his teeth, grinning at him.

“Where else did you want me to write it? On your cheek? Your windshield maybe? I usually don't give out my phone number, but you're an exception.” Hyungwon spread his legs and leaned against the backrest, eyes closing briefly as he relaxed. It looked unrestrained and stunning again, but the traffic light turned green and Hoseok had to return his attention to the street. “How’s the little sunshine?” The low voice sounded calm.

_Yes. Your daughter and you were supposed to cook and now there's basically no time before she arrives home from school. Fuck._

“She would be even better if I would've went along with my previous plans instead of being crazy and driving to the set to take pictures that I wasn't supposed to take. But yeah, she writes to you a lot. I keep seeing it.”

He stopped in front of the modern building and turned off the engine, glancing at the handsome model next to him. The last time he had a model on his car seat was when he was still married. It felt weird.

Big eyes observed him briefly before Hyungwon smiled and removed his seatbelt. The beautiful man didn't leave the car immediately, but leaned over him instead. Soft fingers brushed over his cheek, followed by plump lips against his. It was brief and disappeared as quickly as it happened before Hyungwon opened the car door and disappeared in the entrance of his building, waving his hand briefly, back straight and walk perfect.

Hoseok had no idea what just happened, so he drove off, arriving at his place after fifteen minutes, because it was better to not think about why he was driving a model home, making out at work and kissing in his car.

_Since when was this a good idea?_

Since he started wanting to see the black-haired man more often, but all the stuff that happened hadn't been planned at all.

_You have to be careful about this._

Hoseok turned the key absentmindedly and saw Choux running up the stairs after him.

“Dad! Where have you been? Wasn't it your free day today?” The bright smile and slim arms around his waist reminded him of why he was being so cautious.

_Because she was hurt more than enough by you._

“It was, but I decided to take some pictures. How was school?” he asked back and took off his shoes, placing them on the rack and glancing into the heavy backpack to check for homework.

“It's always the same. But did someone write on you? What is this?” The big blue eyes looked up at him as his daughter grabbed his arm, pointing at Hyungwon's art. “Was it a child? It looks super messy. Didn't they go to second grade? That is when you learn how to write prettily. And it's only numbers. Is this a two? It looks like a dying swan.” The monologue ended with his educated daughter licking over her fingers and furiously rubbing over his arm until two of the numbers disappeared. It must be fate.

“Well, now I can't call anymore. Would you like to eat something different today? How about we order pizza and watch Pokémon together? We haven't done that in a long time.” Smiling, he leaned down and pressed a kiss against the girl’s firm cheek.

“Pizza? Oh my god, yass!” Choux kicked her shoes into the corner and ran to the living room, screaming about which topping she wanted, but her enthusiasm didn't make him feel better about the fact that he had ditched his responsibilities to see something behind someone's shell.

_It's usually not worth it and you've made that mistake once._

There should have only been one thing that mattered.

Amelie.

***

_You are being too easy._

Hyungwon sighed aloud and threw his bag on his couch, ignoring the way its contents spilled over the black leather and onto the floor. His phone was among the items, reminding him that he had just given out his phone number without a second thought, scribbling it on the other man's arm.

_Just hope that he can't read your handwriting._

He groaned, this time in frustration. He was acting unlike himself, ditching all his safety measures and not using his brain. There was no need to be closer to Hoseok or give him his phone number, there was nothing Hyungwon could gain apart from tension and a few gazes. The black-haired man had been right to say that he was successful on his own and doing great. He didn't need the other man's fame or contacts.

_At first you cared about his status, but you're past that now. What the hell do you want?_

Hyungwon remembered Amelie asking him the same thing, telling him that he only needed to know what he wanted to figure out their relationship.

_Him, you want him._

As ridiculous as it sounded, it seemed to be true. Hyungwon kept moving closer and even allowed Hoseok to touch him, to kiss him and take a picture right after. He was losing it.

Pulling his beeper out of his pocket, he chewed on his lips and read the fifteen messages Amelie had written him in the meantime. It was mostly about her school experiences, a kid that was mean, her Lego skills, her dad cooking something because it was his free day.

_Huh._

Hyungwon looked at the message again. He wasn't dumb and knew that Hoseok had decided to do his photoshoot last minute, but Amelie must have been unaware.

_You miss her._

‘I had a nice photoshoot today,’ he wrote and added a few smileys and hearts for good measure. His mood improved a little despite his mental fuck ups and he entered the bathroom to remove his layers of makeup and peel off his shell. It was okay because he was alone, the way it was supposed to be.

That was until he identified the small bite mark on the side of his neck, enough to drive a stylist up the wall.

_Fuck, since when do you let people mark you?_

He brushed his fingers over it and swallowed at the memory of how it had felt the arousal and tension mingling into a potent wrecking ball.

_You'll have to cover it up._

Once he was dressed in his silk pajamas and felt comfortable and relaxed, he lay down on his bed and grabbed his beeper and phone. There was no message on his phone apart from work calls, so he ignored those. Amelie was better at staying in touch than her dad. There were already three new messages.

‘Dad ordered pizza and we watched Pokémon.’ followed by ‘Some kid wrote something on his arm, so I removed it, the numbers looked so funny!’ without any punctuation and finally ‘Do you want to visit me at home?’

Hyungwon stared at the words, unsure about what to be more offended by, that Amelie thought his writing looked like a kid’s, or that she had just erased his effort and taken away Hoseok's opportunity to call him.

_Well, fuck._

At this point, it really felt like he was the one who had to invest all the effort in keeping them close. He had been the one to change his schedule last minute to come to Berlin and pick the older man up after meeting Amelie’s mom. Hyungwon was doing much more than usual, now Hoseok couldn’t even call him, and he had been the one to take a step forward.

_But he was the one to throw Kihyun out and take over his shooting, so maybe it's fine?_

‘I’d love to visit you,’ he wrote and left out the exclamation marks. He didn't want to seem too eager even if he doubted that Amelie could tell.

_Why don't you just call her?_

Hesitating for a maximum of two seconds, he pressed call and waited for the little girl to pick up. They hadn't done that yet, but Hyungwon was curious and a tiny bit stalkerish.

“Oh you can call with it?” the high voice replied and he heard a giggle and shuffling. “Dad is sorting out pictures, so you called just in time! Would you come visit me?”

“I would love to, Amelie,” he replied and couldn't help but smile at the sweet voice and the shuffling. “Your dad and I are also getting along pretty well.”

That was one way to put it.

“Oh, you are? That's awesome! You can come then!” What followed right after was a detailed description of her address, phone number, the directions how to get there with public transportation and the description of the shops that were around the area.

Hyungwon laughed loudly while reaching for a pen and a small notebook that he had noted his dreams into a while ago. He scribbled down the address and the phone number for good measure and left out everything else. It was cute though.

“Thank you, that was very detailed. You learned really well! When do you get home on Thursday? That's when I could make some time.” He smiled again and switched the ear he was holding his beeper against. “Should I bring your robot along?”

“Yes! I will be home at four, you can have dinner with us at six if you like! I miss my Wonny and I miss you, we haven't seen each other for a long time!” Amelie explained but shushed herself, probably aware that her dad was working.

“Alright, then I'll come by on Thursday and bring your little friend. Now give your dad a kiss and get ready for bed. I'm faster than you,” Hyungwon commented and chuckled at how he sounded like an old man, lying in bed at 9 p.m.

“I am in bed. I sleep with my beeper. And I already gave him a kiss. Two. Do you have someone who gives you good night kisses?” Amelie whispered and shuffled, probably under her blanket.

Hyungwon swallowed and chewed on his cheek, fighting his emotional response to something as childish as a good night kiss. He didn't need anything like that, he was okay, great even.

“I- no, I don't. I'm on my own usually,” he muttered and felt thankful that Amelie kept the beeper with her at all times. It must have been meaningful to her and Hyungwon felt the same way.

There was silence before he heard a super loud smooch.

“Here. Now you have one. Good night.” The girl didn't wait for his response and hung up.

Hyungwon smiled and held the beeper against his ear for a little longer, envying Hoseok for having such a bright little sunshine in his life.

_Well, you kinda did have a kiss._

One that he stole for himself.

_

The weather was sunny, but Hyungwon had no regrets about missing out. He was particular about sunshine and tended to avoid it, especially if he planned to continue his career for as long as possible.

He was well-prepared, small robot and chocolate arranged on the seat next to him as his driver turned into Amelie’s, and more particularly Hoseok's, neighborhood. There were a lot of old, baroque style residential buildings and bakeries.

Hyungwon liked it and it was a nice change from his usual tall glass buildings and overdressed men and women in fancy cars. It was as fake as anything, nothing genuine at all and he hated it a little.

Once they stopped in front of a pretty, light-blue painted apartment building, Hyungwon couldn't believe that Paris even had places like this. The atmosphere resembled a fairytale in comparison to his.

_Is this the first time going somewhere aside from work in years?_

His eyes widened as soon as he realized that it was. He hasn't been anywhere in Paris apart from studios, shooting locations and his own apartment. Climbing out of the car, he thanked his driver and gestured that he would call him as soon as he needed him and walked up a few small stairs towards the front door. There were several names, but the name ‘Lee’ was decorated with two blue bunny stickers.

_He probably never has anybody over who is not familiar with Amelie._

Hyungwon couldn't imagine anybody serious pressing that bunny sign and talking to Hoseok about concepts. Maybe he was also imagining everybody to be too stuck up. It corresponded to his experience though. After being buzzed through, he ran up the few flights of stairs, hating the fact that he didn't have enough muscle mass to be nonchalant about the involuntarily workout.

Pressing the bell, he checked his face one last time in his pocket mirror and prepared to meet Amelie’s gorgeous face. He even adjusted his position to be ready for her height.

He heard super loud steps approaching quickly and accompanied by noises that suggested excitement, before the door was ripped open and he was met with the girl's pretty face that looked like the rising sun, cheeks pushed up by her adorable smile and blue eyes turned into crescents.

“Yas, you came!” she yelled and jumped on him, circling her thin arms around his waist and squeezing. Hyungwon laughed loudly and lifted her up higher, holding onto her small body and twirling her around twice. He dropped the robot and the chocolate, but they were going to survive.

“Of course I did!” he exclaimed, adding some fake shock to show he couldn't believe Amelie doubted him. Still holding the pretty girl in his arms, he met her blue eyes and smiled widely. “I always keep my promises. I even brought everything I was supposed to and my favorite chocolate for your dad.”

“I asked dad whether you two get along well and he said he doesn't hate you as much, so I think he won't be angry. Come in!” Jumping back, Amelie turned around in time to see Hoseok, who leaned against the doorframe and sighed. The older man was wearing black linen pants and a simple white shirt, but he still looked so good.

_She didn't tell him, did she?_

Hyungwon smiled apologetically and lifted the chocolate and the robot from the ground, waving with the chocolate.

“That's for you, it's my favorite.”

Hoseok lifted an eyebrow, before staring at his daughter. His expression didn't look amused.

“I did tell you that it's a friend! And you said you didn't hate him as much anymore,” the girl murmured while chewing on her lip. She looked guilty. Well, Amelie wasn't wrong. It definitely wasn't hate anymore.

“Lying is a no no and you know it. You could've told me.” Hoseok walked over to them and crouched down in front of his daughter.

“But then you would've said that you don't want other people at our place because one should have one place where one doesn't get hurt and it's home, so we should keep it ours.” Amelie almost cried, but Hoseok curled his arms around her and whispered something in her ear until she nodded and pressed a kiss on his pale cheek.

Hyungwon couldn't believe that such scary words had just left the lips of a child. He wasn't even sure whether it was something one should have told a child.

_They are his own thoughts, aren't they?_

“But you should've told me that your friend doesn't eat because I prepared dinner,” the handsome man commented and stood up, gesturing at his shoes. “Please take them off.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly and slipped out of his shoes, feeling guilty because Hoseok wasn't too far from the truth. He never felt guilty about his diet unless he broke it, but the other man was quick to switch it around.

_Like everything else._

“What did you make? I could make an exception if it's good,” he remarked and smiled before walking towards Hoseok. He had no idea how to greet him, but Amelie was watching, so he simply wrapped his arms around the older man's neck and squeezed once before letting go. It was kind of awkward, so he chewed on his lip.

Hoseok looked semi-terrified before catching himself and smiling. It looked a little fake after the expression of terror.

_So much for acting normal._

“Ratatouille,” the older man commented and disappeared into the kitchen. “Please wash your hands, Choux.”

Hyungwon lifted an eyebrow, contemplating how he felt about Ratatouille. While nobody was watching him, he pulled out his phone and checked out the calories real quick. It was a lot, but definitely better than Choux, so he followed the older man to the kitchen and looked around. The apartment was spacious and looked elegant, unlike how Hyungwon had imagined it. Somehow he had expected a lot of drawings by Amelie, but there were none.

“You have a big apartment and the ceilings are high, I like it,” he commented and pushed back one of the chairs at the dining table to sit down and watch Hoseok arrange plates. “And Ratatouille is nice.”

“Is it? I see. Would you like something to drink?” the black-haired man asked after placing the glasses on the table. Hoseok seemed so different from how he usually acted around him at work or when they met abroad.

_He is back to not drinking and not making out._

Hyungwon observed him intently, the way he moved around and pretended to be busy although he had prepared everything already.

“It's too early for wine, so water is fine,” he replied and crossed his legs, head resting on his palm. Amelie must have found the robot because it was suspiciously quiet.

_Confirmed suspicion._

“I don't have alcoholic drinks at home.” Hoseok opened a bottle of water and poured it into his glass, leaning over the table. “I can't believe I'm having someone over.”

“Why? You have a gorgeous apartment and contrary to my expectations there are no scribbles all over your walls.” Hyungwon chuckled and waved at Amelie who had just managed to let the robot move towards the kitchen and say hello before it disappeared again.

“You're doing amazing!” he exclaimed to make sure the little girl knew that she was doing amazing.

“It's not about my apartment. It's about the fact that I don't have people over. I don't like it. But you're my daughter’s friend and she's super stubborn, so that's fine, I guess.” Hoseok talked while making himself a coffee, propping up against the kitchen counter with both arms while waiting, muscular back on display and easily traceable through his white shirt. Hyungwon stared, but it was okay since there was nobody to see and judge him. The only one observing him was the small blue robot sliding into the kitchen, turning once and finally squeaking before driving off again. The toy was cute.

“I'm your daughter's friend, but it's not like I'm a stranger to you,” he commented and took a sip of his water. Hyungwon was immensely grateful that it didn't have calories, unlike the food.

“A stranger? It depends on how you define a stranger. Is it someone you've never met? Then yes, you're not a stranger. If by not being a stranger you mean me knowing whom I am dealing with? No, then you're a stranger, which makes me kind of uncomfortable because you're in my house.” Turning around, the handsome man pulled a cup from under the machine and placed it in front of him, gaze intense, but not in the same way he knew it. Less arousing and more intimidating.

_He doesn't know what to expect from you._

It wasn't difficult to understand, after all he wasn't sure what he wanted either, why he kept intertwining his life with the other man's while wanting to live his own.

“I'm just Hyungwon,” he replied and shrugged, attention switching to the small girl in the doorframe that was staring at them. “Right, Amelie?”

“Hyungwon is also pretty and kind! You shouldn't be like this, papa, he is my friend.” The girl walked over to Hoseok and stopped, looking up to him, gaze firm. “I don't want you to be mean to him. It makes me sad!”

The broad man crouched down and stroked over the girl's black hair, returning her gaze.

“I'm not mean, I'm only a little confused because we never have guests beside Kihyun and I don't really know your friend well. Maybe you can tell me about him later.” Hoseok kissed his daughter’s cheek and stood up, acting as if the whole conversation never happened and as if he didn't try to stare him down while serving him a cup of coffee.

_Smooth._

Hyungwon grinned and took his glass of water, emptying it to focus on his cup of coffee next. Hoseok's company was enjoyable, mostly because the older man was very attentive and difficult to figure out at the same time. However, the main purpose of his visit was Amelie, so Hyungwon got up and smiled at the older man on his way out.

“Wow, you must have already taught the robot so many things! Will you show me and then we'll eat the delicious ratatouille your dad made.” Crouching down next to Amelie, Hyungwon stroked over her head and smiled widely.

_Hope that the ratatouille is actually decent._

Hoseok watched them on their way out, but he could see the broad shadow occasionally, appearing in the doorframe of the girl's bedroom or rushing past them, black eyes finding him but letting go again. Goosebumps spread over his back and neck whenever he felt Hoseok's gaze, breath hitching and fingers clenching around the carpet or the controls for the robot. He was doing his best to focus on playing with Amelie, but the older man wasn't making it easy.

“Dinner is ready,” the low voice sounded from the kitchen, followed by steps and the other man's appearance in the doorframe.

Hyungwon looked up, currently occupied with watching Amelie testing out a new function while having her legs thrown over his lap and small fingers furiously typing big buttons.

“Let her show me her magic and then we'll come,” he remarked and winked once. He wasn't quite sure why he did it, but something constantly told Hyungwon that the other man was tensed and needed something to calm him down.

_It's because he doesn't trust you._

“Okay, but Amelie promised to do her homework after dinner, so don't make it too long.” Hoseok lifted an eyebrow and let his right hand slowly slide down the door he was holding onto, all the while watching him intently.

Hyungwon's eyes widened even before he realized the reason for reacting the way he did. His hands held onto the carpet they were brushing over and he couldn't bring himself to break the eye contact. It stayed, just like his heartbeat forgot about beating for a few moments, only to resume with increased vigor.

_He isn't doing anything, it's only his hand sliding over a door frame. What's wrong with you?_

Hoseok licked over his lips and moved his fingers towards the handle, curling around it, knuckles white. There were a few seconds of eye contact only, a few audible breaths before it all suddenly ended with the low voice muttering something about the food getting cold and disappearing into the kitchen.

_Snap out of it._

Swallowing, he ripped his eyes away and focused on Amelie’s big blue eyes, waiting for his attention. It was cute, really, but something kept pulling him towards the kitchen. It wasn't a something either, it was a grown ass man with eyes that could undress.

_God, you're like a teenager._

“Let's go eat,” he muttered and pulled at the little girl’s sleeve. “We don't want your dad's hard work to go to waste, right?”

“I like pizza more, but dad cooks better than my friend’s moms. Dad also said everybody can cook, it's not for girls only,” Amelie exclaimed proudly and pulled him to the kitchen, pointing at the chair next to Hoseok. “Sit here, and then we can eat all together.” The girl clapped her hands in excitement and grinned at Hoseok, who stared for a few moments before his usual expression returned, showing calmness instead of thoughts he couldn't identify.

Hyungwon sat down and smiled, hoping that it removed all possible suspicions that the older man might have had.

“I usually don't eat much for dinner, but I'll make an exception just for you,” he remarked and grinned at Amelie’s happy face. “I also like this spot, it's close to both of you.”

_God, you should just shut up when you don't know what to say._

Domestic shit wasn't really Hyungwon's thing.

Hoseok ignored it, opened the lid after taking Amelie's plate, and filled it with ratatouille.

“Did you eat after going home? I don't think so, so take this opportunity.” The older man simply grabbed his plate and placed it in front of him filled with all kinds of stuff.

It was at that moment that Hyungwon realized he really had to eat all that. There were shitloads of vegetables, in addition to some type of carb that he hadn't eaten since he turned fifteen. He felt dread pile up at the realization and swallowed once, aware that he couldn't say no after literally promising that he would eat. Grabbing his fork, he chewed on his lips and observed Amelie at first.

The girl was already eating, munching on her food and trying to tell Hoseok something with her mouth open before she pointed at her dad and looked at him.

“Look at how funny his mouth moves, that's why he is a bunny!” Amelie exclaimed and he could see Hoseok stop chewing and stare at both of them in succession before hissing that they should eat.

Hyungwon tried to hide his laugh and bright smile by sucking his lips into his mouth, however, his mouth corners betrayed him. He allowed a few more moments to pass as he told himself and especially his body that one time more food for dinner couldn't kill him and also wouldn't make him fat and unfit for the job the next day. It was probably ridiculous and he had been okay after the choux too, just a little puffy and dissatisfied enough to stay at home the whole day and make sure that nobody saw him.

_But you can't sit here like this, it's weird Hyungwon._

Poking his fork into the food on his plate, Hyungwon decided to play it safe by eating a little bit first. It was okay and entered his mouth easily, disappearing as a chewed mess. The ratatouille was a little sweet on his tongue. He liked it, especially the eggplant.

“It's really good, I'm surprised,” he commented with a smile and took another bit with his fork that he carefully inserted into his mouth. His plate was ridiculously full though, more so than necessary.

“I might look like a bunny, but your friend has a huge mouth,” Hoseok commented while pointing at his face before taking a sip of his water.

“It's useful,” he replied and winked again, because it sure as hell was.

_Especially when you need to tell people to fuck off._

“You're cute though, looking like a bunny but flexing your arms all the time,” he added and bit down on his bottom lip, feeling playful.

“Be careful that I don't break you.” The black-haired man grinned but his eyes looked intense. At least before Amelie slapped his forearm. The girl finished her food in a matter of a few minutes and got up. Hyungwon felt old at this point.

“Don't say things like that. I'll do my homework now, but then I can watch Pokémon with Hyungwon, okay?” Hoseok nodded at that and continued chewing on his food.

“Sounds great,” Hyungwon added, much like Amelie not bothering to chew first. There was no point. His eyes immediately returned to Hoseok though and the fact that the little girl had just left them alone in the kitchen.

_Have fun with that. Not._

“Does it taste comparable to the usual salad leaf a thousand times chewed?” the low voice asked, dark eyes watching him intently while Hoseok finished his meal.

_Dick._

Hyungwon pursed his lips and stared back, confident that at least part of the contempt he felt was going to reach Hoseok.

“It's good, but I don't see why you need to criticize my food choices. I didn't reject anything.”

“It's not a choice. It's an occupational disease.”

“And the occupation is a choice.” Hyungwon lifted an eyebrow and placed his fork next to his plate, body leaning towards the black-haired man.

“If you feel better telling yourself that the suffering is a choice you made, then fine. Whatever you prefer. I hope you liked it.” The broad man stood up and collected the dishes, filling the dishwasher right after.

Hoseok was smart, blatantly insulting him only to throw something neutral in at the end, thereby making it uncomfortable for Hyungwon to defend himself. Instead of saying anything, he observed the older man working and arranging the plates. They was something mysterious and fascinating about Hoseok that kept pulling him in, the same force that had resulted in them making out on set, fingers burning to explore further.

_Don't think about it._

The older man returned to his spot and pulled the chair further out, sitting down on it and spreading his legs wide. It looked so fucking suggestive combined with the gaze.

The image was immediate and so clear in his mind, his body on top of those muscular thighs, leaning back against the kitchen table. Hyungwon could imagine it so well; how Hoseok's warm hands would begin at his thighs and slowly make their way up, tracing his body and slipping under his shirt. He could almost feel the hot fingertips sliding along his ribs and brushing his nipples. The thought pulled a gasp from his lips and he blinked a few times to remember that he was sitting on a chair next to Hoseok and definitely not on his lap. Fuck.

_You actually hate doing this stuff, why are you so eager? You don't sit on laps for fame anymore._

“Need some water? Or maybe some fresh air?” Hoseok asked; voice low and so incredibly attractive. The pale hands rested on top of the other man's thick thighs, fingers digging into the fabric a little. “Ah, I don't have your number anymore, Amelie didn't like it.”

Hyungwon wanted to grab him and ravish his face, but he resisted because he knew where he was and his self-control was actually something to be proud of. At least it had been all this time.

_But you also never really wanted anything that you didn't get in the end, did you?_

A grin appeared on Hoseok's face and he licked over his lips. “Also, I'm not really a person who calls a lot.”

“I'm sure that…,” Hyungwon trailed off and grinned back, two fingers walking over the surface of the table slowly until they reached the edge, “she wouldn't have erased the number, had she known it was mine.”

Licking over his lips, he let his fingers jump down to Hoseok's thigh and slide over it until he was able to pull the older man's phone from his pocket. Winking once, he typed in his number and saved it under ‘Piranha’. He hated being a fish, but he liked the associated danger. Chewing on his lip, he returned the older man's phone to his tight pants and couldn't resist tracing the muscles.

Hoseok stood up suddenly and walked to the door, shutting it, before coming closer. A split second passed before the older man's handsome face appeared in front of him, excessively close and forcing him to lean back. “You're daring. I think you forgot that this is not your aquarium.”

“I'm curious,” he replied and resisted swallowing because it would have told the other man immediately how he felt. Hyungwon was feeling desperate, enough to climb on top of Hoseok and nibble along his neck. The thought reminded him of the bite mark on his skin, the area that he had concealed in the morning. His fingers immediately reached for the sensitive spot, eyes observing Hoseok.

The older man followed him with his gaze, licking over his lips tentatively.

“About what?” Hoseok whispered, glancing towards the door before returning the intensity and leaning closer, one hand curled around the kitchen table.

“What sitting on your lap feels like,” he replied, holding the eye contact with as much vigor as Hoseok used in his attempt to intimidate him. Hyungwon wasn't intimidated, only intrigued.

“Then you should've sat on it. Why the sudden regret?” the older man's low voice commented as Hoseok exhaled right against his lips, smelling like coffee.

Hyungwon knew exactly what the other man was doing, tempting him on purpose, playing with his fascination, his desire to kiss and touch.

“It wasn't that interesting back then,” he replied and purposefully closed the distance, licking over Hoseok's bottom lip. It tasted as good as it looked, sweet and a little bit like coffee.

Again, the dark eyes glanced towards the door, before Hoseok grabbed his chin and caught his bottom lip with his sharp teeth, exhaling sharply and sucking it into his mouth.

Hyungwon hissed, unable to help it and leaned over the table to deepen the kiss, exhaling into Hoseok's mouth. The older man tasted so good, good enough to forget about everything around them, where they were, who they were, what they were supposed to do.

His arms curled around the broad neck and his hands instantly grabbed black hair to pull on, not giving a single shit about whether it was appropriate. He wanted to taste more, to have that tongue meet his while those hot hands roamed all over his body, like in his imagination.

Hoseok seemed cautious, trying to push him away, but not hard enough to matter as a sharp hiss disappeared between their lips and the older man basically took him and pushed him a few steps until his back hit the kitchen door. The curved, hot lips travelled over his jaw and neck, sharp teeth nibbling on the outline of his collarbones before returning to his lips. Hoseok's hot tongue pushed into his mouth, followed by the other man's broad hips pushing him further against the door.

Hyungwon felt as if somebody had stuck his fingers into a power socket, only that there was no pain, only current running through his body and spreading goosebumps all over his skin. Arousal spiked up as soon as the black-haired man pushed him against the door and allowed their groins to meet. Usually he would have been angry with somebody attempting to take control from him, but it was not the case.

_Because you want it._

“Fuck,” he hissed and pulled at Hoseok's hair again, breathless and wanting so much more. It was the same situation, Hyungwon wasn't prepared to be close at all, but still he fueled the tension and burned with it as soon as it exploded between them. They were the powder and it’s fuse, creating the friction through their interactions.

“Touch me.”

“Shhhh,” Hoseok shushed him, placing his pale palm against his mouth, before he felt a warm hand under his silk shirt, carefully tracing his stomach and brushing over his nipples while the curved lips attached to his neck, sucking and licking at all the sensitive spots. Hyungwon moaned against the other man's fingers, understanding their purpose.

“I think I'm becoming a wounded cow that stepped into the lake knowing there were piranhas in there and I fucking hate that,” the low voice whispered into his ear before Hoseok rolled his hips into him, accompanied by a loud inhale and sharp teeth sinking into his shoulder.

Again, his moan was caught by the older man's hand until Hyungwon simply bit down on Hoseok's index finger to be able to answer.

“To me it seems like you enjoy being bitten,” he gasped and licked over the bite marks, eyes focused on those almost black ones. His thigh smoothly slipped in between Hoseok's and rubbed over the older man's groin. Hyungwon loved the way it felt against his clothed leg.

“I don't, that's why I'm wondering what the fuck I am doing here with you. In my home.” The last words must have brought some sanity back as the older man removed his hands from under his shirt and stepped back, eyes fluttering shut and sped up breaths audible in the otherwise silent room.

Hyungwon didn't want the moment to break again, not yet, so he reached out again and grabbed the older man by his t-shirt. It was easy to bridge the distance and have Hoseok's massive body against him, hot and fucking irresistible.

If the gorgeous man wasn't going to touch him, then it only meant that Hyungwon had to be the one to play again. Not hesitating for long, he let his fingers slip under the soft fabric until they found Hoseok's hardened nipples. The buds felt amazing to the touch, so he bit down on his bottom lip and rubbed over them while using his thigh to stimulate Hoseok's groin. Hyungwon couldn't help his curiosity and desire to see the black-haired man aroused beyond belief, even more than he had been in the sauna, gorgeous erection obvious.

“What do you want, huh?” the older man hissed and curled his arm around his waist, pulling him flush against his chest, catching his hand between their bodies and preventing him from rubbing his thigh over his groin.

_There it is again. What do you want?_

“This,” Hyungwon gasped and contained revealing the way Hoseok's grip made him feel, knees almost giving out. The arm around his waist kept him steady and sent another wave of arousal through his bloodstream. Shit, he wanted to be looked at, undressed and devoured right here.

“I doubt that you want to make out with me in my kitchen while my child is doing her homework, you liar,” Hoseok whispered and stared at him, dark gaze sliding over his features in the same way he had experienced it before, raw and arousing.

There was so much want that he didn't know what to do with it, how to control it and keep it in check. His fingers itched to bury themselves in the older man's back, to rip his shirt to shreds and have his hands all over him, to pull the black hair and feel teeth in his neck. Hyungwon wanted Hoseok to do all those things that his eyes screamed at him, to undress him, worship him with his hands and lips.

“I want you to touch me,” he whispered and pulled at Hoseok's grip on his wrist, unable to free himself. He would never admit it, but it was kinda hot.

The handsome face came closer and he could feel the other man's strained breaths against his lips as the grip on his waist tightened.

“You want me to touch you? You told me I need _more than forty minutes before a shooting_ for you and we are at my house now. I would never touch you here. Ever. It's strange enough that you're here.”

Hyungwon tried to calm down, breathing quickly to get enough oxygen into his lungs. He didn't want to be the only desperate one, but he wasn't.

_Because he's a hypocrite._

Hoseok was telling him that he wasn't going to touch him, but Hyungwon still felt the brief brush of fingers that had danced over his naked chest and nipples. His legs trembled a little from arousal, but it wasn't obvious because of the force with which he was pushed against the door.

“You always think further than I do. After all, you're touching me already,” he whispered and pulled at Hoseok's black hair to tilt his head and clash their mouths together again. It was addicting and the touch of their lips immediately turned him on more.

There was no reply, only Hoseok's hungry lips that were devouring him and travelling from his mouth to his neck after a few seconds, before stopping right next to his ear.

“Oh, this is not comparable to the way I could touch you.”

_Fuck._

Hyungwon wanted to scratch over the older man's thighs again and watch that anger and loss of control he had seen before. He contained a moan by sucking his lips into his mouth, whimpering quietly. He knew how to shut up when he had to, the problem was that his body responded more when he did, aware that the situation was secretive.

_You are losing your mind, making out with photographers at their home that you don't even want a pictorial with._

Maybe Hyungwon wanted a pictorial, but preferably one that ended like the last one, with him on top of Hoseok and their tongues playing with each other. At this point, he didn't even care if Hoseok was going to bite his neck again even though he would have killed anybody else for doing that.

Hoseok looked at him, lips glistening from the kisses they had just shared, before the dark eyes widened suddenly and he pressed a hand against his mouth with force.

“I'm finished!” Amelie's cheerful voice sounded from the living room.

“You did great, could you turn on the TV and get the snacks? We're coming in a bit!” Hoseok replied through the door that he opened a little while still holding onto his waist. As soon as the girl replied, the black eyes found his and the older man let go of him, stepping back.

“You can join after you've calmed down,” Hoseok whispered and pushed him to the side to open the door and disappear behind it.

The comment was a pointless one as he held his breath and straightened his back, staring at the wooden door.

Hyungwon doubted that there was anything that he was as good at as hiding his feelings.


	10. Chapter 10

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No matter how Hoseok thought about it, letting Hyungwon inside his apartment had been a stupid idea.

_Because now you keep thinking about him._

He sipped on his coffee and waited for Choux to come home. His gaze kept wandering towards the kitchen door and he continuously remembered the quiet whimpers, the hot tongue, big, cool hands on his chest, playing with his nipples like the other man knew exactly how to make him go crazy.

_Because he does. He knows that you want him too._

It had cost him a lot of effort to not wipe the decorations from the dinner table and put Hyungwon's slim body on top of it, ravishing it just like he knew the younger man wanted it. And how he wanted it too.

But it was stupid, it was his home and now not only did he have a whole room inside his head filled with memories of the beautiful model, but also associated his home, his safe space with the sharp piranha teeth and the adrenaline from getting bitten and liking it.

_Why didn't you just fuck him in Berlin? It would have ended then. He also makes Amelie like him and she will be super sad if he left now. Amazing, Hoseok._

Groaning loudly, he emptied his cup and went to the living room, wondering where Choux was. She was supposed to be home thirty minutes ago.

_What if something happened?_

His thoughts immediately changed, replaced with scary scenarios, filling his blood with adrenaline and triggering the worst kind of anxiety to ever exist.

_What if something really happened?_

He called Kihyun with shaky hands and asked him whether Amelie went to his place, but she didn't, the school also said that she left an hour ago. There was no way that she got lost; it was only ten minutes from the school to their apartment.

_Fuck._

Grabbing his leather jacket, he tried to come up with different possibilities of where his daughter might have went while he ran down the stairs and jumped into his car.

_What if she went to him?_

It was stupid and Hoseok knew that the model would have called him, but still he dialed the number, just that nobody picked up and he buried his face in his palms, breathing loudly to return his ability to think. Shit.

_If he doesn't pick up, you need to check._

He needed approximately ten seconds to leave the parking spot and drive towards the quarter with the tall buildings, fingers grabbing the steering wheel and knuckles turning white from the force.

_Fuck. Just hope that she is there._

He was on the verge of crying, regretting that he didn't buy Amelie a phone when she asked him to. At least he would have been able to contact her.

Breaking in front of the building, Hoseok left his car in front of it and walked past the security guard, who said something that he didn't hear because he was busy running to the elevator. Pressing the button he remembered from last time, he resisted the urge to punch a wall and jumped out as soon as it arrived, immediately rushing towards the black door and knocking loudly.

_Please let her be there._

There was shuffling and the sound of feet moving towards the door.

“That's probably your dad, ready to pick you up, right?” Hyungwon's low voice asked, followed by the sound of the lock and the model's small face. The black-haired man was smiling at him and had a remote control in his hand; however, his face fell as soon as he met Hoseok's gaze. “Holy shit, are you okay?”

He didn't give a single flying fuck about Hyungwon, or manners, or whether it was okay to simply push the tall man aside and step into his apartment, looking around until he found his daughter, staring at him with guilty eyes.

“Why would you do that?” he whispered, trying not to break down from the simultaneous rush of adrenaline and loss of tension in his muscles. “Why would you just come here without telling me?”

Hoseok felt how the tears shot into his eyes, but there was no way he could cry in front of Amelie, he couldn't do that. Not after what happened before, he had no right.

Turning around, he walked out and closed the door, pressing his forehead against the cold wall and breathing loudly. He could hear hushed whispers behind the door, but wasn't able to make out any words. The seconds ticked by until the door suddenly opened. There was no time to glance to the side as slim arms turned him around and embraced him tightly. His face was pushed into the crook of Hyungwon's neck as the black-haired man held him close, not saying a word.

He hated it. He hated being like this, helpless and overly emotional. The embrace made it worse and he wanted to push Hyungwon away, he really did, but his hands curled around the slim waist instead, carefully, gently pressing the slim body closer and sucking in air desperately.

_But he didn't say anything._

“Why didn't you call? I thought something happened to her,” Hoseok whispered, removing his hands from the other man's body.

“She said that there was some time until she had to be home and wanted to ‘pop by’,” Hyungwon replied, but didn't loosen his embrace. “I thought you knew and… I don't have your number. I'm sorry, this must be so terrifying.”

His hands shook at his sides and he really wanted to run away, but he couldn't. Choux was still behind the door and he stood there, unable to do or say anything.

“I hate this so much, fuck.”

“I calmed her and said that we need a moment,” Hyungwon murmured and Hoseok could feel the other man's fingers travel from his shoulder to his hair, stroking along it softly. There was no reason for the black-haired man to be so affectionate, but still he was. “Take the time you need. I'm sorry that I didn’t contact you, I should have asked her for your number.”

The touch was tender and careful, different from the way they had touched before. There was nothing sexual to the motions, long fingers sliding over his hair and nape to begin at the top of his head again.

_He's comforting you. You keep making him do things for you. What the fuck are you doing, Hoseok?_

He moved away and escaped from the tall man's embrace, slipping through the door and finding Choux crouched on the carpet.

“It's fine, let's go home, just - don't do things like this without telling me. It's okay that you like him, but I need to know, otherwise I'm scared that something has happened to you,” Hoseok whispered and pulled his daughter into a tight hug before helping her into her shoes and grabbing her backpack.

“Let's go home.” He opened the door and glanced at Hyungwon. “The number that called was me,” Hoseok whispered and pulled Choux after him towards the elevator.

It was too much for him, he didn't feel as if he could stay next to Hyungwon any longer, showing his vulnerability and the turmoil going on inside him, behind the walls of his profession, behind the lens, behind what he could see in the mirror after he woke up.

He didn't want to let anyone in.

***

Hyungwon was pretty sure that bad television advertisements had taught him that children always said the truth, not bothering to lie or to consider other people's feelings.

_But she didn't really lie, she never said that she told him._

His apartment felt empty when Hoseok grabbed the little girl by the hand and pulled her through the door, voice calm but feelings a raging mess. Hyungwon had seen and felt it, observed the hurt and terror on the black-haired man's face in addition to the tremble in his hands. He had never seen the photographer like that, absolutely terrified of losing the one person that meant the most to him.

_He was out of it and barely realized what was happening._

It wasn't his business and Hyungwon shouldn't have cared, but still he kept glancing towards the door the two of them had disappeared through, worried that Hoseok wasn't in the right state to go anywhere.

_But it's his child and he must know what he's doing._

He wasn't in the position to get involved and he also had no idea what possessed him to embrace the older man. Probably the look on his face, burning its way through Hyungwon's attempts to avoid getting close to people.

_You're literally trying to get close to him, Hyungwon._

Whatever was happening between them was a mess and he barely managed to keep up with all the changes in his life. He had been perfectly fine before, alone with his big apartment, his wine and his salad. Now it felt lonely without the little girl around, without those black eyes observing him intently. Only the scrambled toys and empty plates told him that he hadn't been alone.

For once.

_

‘So your dad has a free day today and will cook for you?’ Hyungwon typed into his beeper, feeling a little bit shameless, but not enough to change his behavior. It was too late for that anyway, standing at a cashier and paying for the pile of vegetables and fruit that he bought.

_You love the little sunshine, but you need to deal with this fixation._

His driver had done an amazing job at standing in a no parking area while he shopped for groceries and ignored people that stared because they were overwhelmed by how gorgeous he was. Usually it amused him because he didn't try that hard, but today he looked like a god, tight, black suit pants, a partially see-through silk shirt and minimal makeup. He wasn't happy about the minimal makeup but his plans weren't compatible with painting his face too much.

_Because he hates it._

One might have considered it sneaky to ask a child implicit questions to find out if dad was home alone, but Hyungwon was a little desperate. There was no other way to get the older man alone and whenever they met with Amelie around, there was simply too much suppressed tension. They couldn't constantly make out in a kitchen while the little girl was busy with other things.

Therefore Hyungwon had to act, preferably while the black-haired man was playing stay at home dad.

_You're the ‘might seduce your dad’ type, aren't you?_

Hyungwon chuckled and successfully ignored the fact that the older man had neither called him, nor gotten in contact in any other way. Amelie has hinted that her dad preferred not to talk about him, but well, there could be many reasons for that. Possibly, it reminded Hoseok of how Hyungwon's hands felt on his skin or how their tongues met. Those images were definitely on _his_ mind, popping up at the most unnecessary moments.

Paying with his credit card, he smiled at the cashier that stared at his face with parted lips and hurried back to his driver. Sometimes Hyungwon was grateful that the man didn't ask any questions, even if he lifted his eyebrows.

He had nothing booked that day and he rarely needed to be driven anywhere when there was no work. Private trips were rare, simply because he never visited anybody.

_Apparently you do, unannounced._

There were a few issues with his visit, one of them being that he had to lose some weight and get more definition for an underwear pictorial in two weeks, but he was visiting somebody that was not going to approve of his eating habits. There was no reason to give a single shit, but still he did, buying shitloads of food for Amelie and the other man to compensate.

Once his driver turned into the familiar street, he felt a little uncomfortable, nervous that Hoseok would simply slam the door in his face. Hyungwon doubted that his pride could bear that. His steps were quiet on the stairs and he was nervous enough to forget to wave at his driver who honked once.

_Just fucking do it and hope that you'll get what you want._

The easy part about the whole visit was that Hyungwon knew Hoseok wanted him too.

Licking over his lips to make them prettier, he rang the bell, hands busy with the multiple grocery bags.

He heard steps before the door opened and he could see the other man's handsome face, followed by his hands that furiously tried to button up his short-sleeved linen shirt. The dark eyes widened and the movements stopped altogether, as if Hoseok was too shocked to continue.

“What are you doing here?” the low voice murmured, door opening a tiny bit further.

“What does it look like?” Hyungwon asked back and rolled his eyes before switching all the shopping bags to his left hand and using the right to push Hoseok inside his apartment. The other man's chest was muscular and he loved it, hiding his desire to have his palm pressed flat against it. Smiling briefly, he walked through to the kitchen and placed the bags on the table, turning towards Hoseok who had followed him. “I'm visiting.”

“Are you? I can't remember inviting you, or did I? I must've not been in my right mind.” Watching him, Hoseok continued buttoning up before pulling himself on the counter and watching him.

That was okay, Hyungwon could work with that amount of resistance.

“You didn't, but since I end up pressed against the wall when I visit your daughter, I thought it's safer to come when she's not here.” Winking briefly, he took out the apples, the bananas, the strawberries and the grapes. Then he continued with the vegetables, mostly greens and a few tomatoes for happiness.

“You misunderstood. I can take care of my family well enough, you don't need to worry. Just don't come near me if you don't want to be pressed against the wall.” Hoseok watched him before jumping down and taking the groceries from him. “Are you my domestic aid? Thanks, but I'm fine.”

_He should have stared longer with all the effort you put into your outfit._

“Definitely not,” Hyungwon remarked and crossed his arms in front of his chest, watching Hoseok sort the groceries he brought. That was already a first step, since the black-haired man hadn't thrown him out. “But I'm not opposed to the first part, so I have no plans of staying away.”

The older man turned around after finishing stuffing everything into the fridge. His gaze wandered over his body, head to toe, one eyebrow raised. Hyungwon enjoyed it to the fullest but didn't show.

“Are you on your way to a shoot? But then you don't have as much makeup on, this is interesting.” Hoseok pulled himself on top of the counter again and took a strawberry, biting into it slowly while his gaze stayed on his face.

Hyungwon wanted to stuff that fucking strawberry into the other man's curved mouth, but didn't, simply because he liked the sight too much. His eyes travelled from the red juice on Hoseok's lips, to the barely buttoned up shirt and finally to the muscular thighs that stretched the fabric. The black-haired man was gorgeous and knew it, showing off on purpose.

“Tasty?” he asked and leaned against the table, legs spreading a little. He knew that he looked hot, there was no point for Hoseok to pretend that he had no interest in ravishing him right there, in his fucking kitchen.

_But you want him to look at you first, undress you with his eyes._

“It's okay. But I guess I'm more into fish.” The older man grinned, licking over his lips quickly. The dark eyes returned to his face, observing at first, before it got more intense, almost palpable against the skin of his neck, the outline of his shoulders, his chest and his clothed thighs.

Hyungwon's lips parted automatically and his eyes widened a little, responding to getting exactly what he wanted. He felt it slide over his skin; touch him without any bodily contact. The sensation was just as intense as he remembered it and his thighs spread almost on their own while his knuckles turned white from the effort it cost him to hold onto the table. He wanted more, to feel all that desire be dropped on him like a bucket of burning coal.

“I thought you would just drop it when I don't do anything, but I guess I miscalculated.” Hoseok tilted his head, but the gaze stayed. It gained intensity again, slipping under his clothes and leaving burning trails all over his body. The way the older man's curved lips parted while his dark eyes settled on his lips, how the pink tongue slid over the soft looking surface. It almost seemed like a real kiss.

Unable to help it, Hyungwon let go of the table and reached for his own lips, sliding his index and middle finger over them lightly, just the way those black eyes did. The heat began in his chest and dripped towards his groin, making his pants much tighter than they had been before. He should have been embarrassed by responding so quickly to a mere gaze, but he wasn't.

_Because you can see how much it affects him._

“I like looking at you,” the low voice whispered as the gaze met his eyes, staying on them for a while before moving back down. Again, the older man lifted one hand in front of his eyes and drew the path of his gaze with his isolated index finger, tracing his nose bridge, his lips, and the outline of his neck. “So interesting.”

“What is?” Hyungwon whispered back and fought the tremble in his body that threatened to show just how much he enjoyed it. His heart was hammering in his ears and he couldn't focus on anything but the older man, mentally begging for him to continue doing what he was doing. “That I like the way you look at me?”

“What I can see when I look at you like this, but also that you let me, how you react to it. I like it a lot.” Hoseok looked down at his spread legs, letting his gaze wander over his clothed thighs, his hipbones. He saw a glimpse of the other man's tongue that wet the curved lips once again.

“I love it when you look at me like this,” Hyungwon admitted truthfully, resisting less than he had the last time similar words had left his lips. He needed the gaze, the way it removed the layers while appreciating everything that was hidden behind them. His right hand was still at his lips, following their curve until he let it stroke over his chest and all the way to his thigh, following Hoseok's gaze.

“Do you know why I keep looking at you?” Hoseok asked, leaning onto his muscular arms that the older man kept propped against the kitchen counter, hands right between the thick thighs.

Hyungwon really wished there wasn't so much fabric covering the other man's gorgeous body. The sauna had been the only time he was able to see Hoseok in his full glory, in every sense of the word.

“Why?” he replied and attempted to give his groin a little more space, breaths becoming ragged from arousal.

“Because I like it when you're raw and naked, without anything covering you. It's interesting and also…,“ swallowing once, the handsome man smiled briefly, “intriguing.”

_Raw and naked._

Only vulnerable was missing in the package, but Hyungwon didn't feel vulnerable or like Hoseok could hurt him. If he had any suspicions, he would have never gotten close or even allowed the black-haired man to lay a hand on him. It was rather the opposite, it felt like it was fine to show himself, to peel off the layers and let him see. Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip and felt himself give in to the intense gaze and the fascination that Hoseok showed through his body language and expressions.

_You need this because he really looks at you._

“Then why don't you look closer?” he whispered and pulled himself on top of the table, anticipating what was to come.

There was nothing that Hyungwon loved more than being the only person, the only one that the gorgeous man in front of him could see.

***

Staying away from Hyungwon had worked well. He didn't call the beautiful model and neither did he talk about him to Amelie much. His daughter caught on and only told him about Hyungwon occasionally. It had been okay like this, calm and without any major happenings. Until…

_Until he simply came to you._

He tried. Tried not to pay attention to the tall man's elegant and subtly revealing clothing choice, to his minimal makeup, very close to how Hoseok liked him the most. He also tried to stay on his spot, but it didn't matter, because his gaze already went underneath the thin fabric of Hyungwon's shirt, slid over his firm thighs, nibbled along his uncovered neck, golden skin giving in under the touch of the other man's long, bony fingers that played along.

Hyungwon was beautiful. His black hair that hung into his eyes as he pulled himself up on top of the dinner table, how his thick lips parted, reacting to his gaze, helping Hoseok to take off his costume. The layers that the tall man kept hiding behind. What remained was gorgeous intimacy, vulnerable nakedness. The image reminded him of a naked child holding a knife, so easy to get hurt, but ready to hurt back, awaiting it and prepared to stab as soon as you came too close.

_You want to take pictures of him. Again._

It was frustrating, no matter how much he wanted to keep it simple, to stay as acquaintances, the gaze that met his, and the big, coffee-brown eyes he had seen at the airport Starbucks in Paris, the depth was there and he wanted to see more.

“Then why don't you look closer?” the low voice whispered, inviting him in, intriguing and triggering his curiosity, intensifying his bodily response to what was happening between them.

“Do you want me to see?” Hoseok asked while sliding down from the counter he had been sitting on. Taking a step closer, he chewed on his lips and inhaled deeply, silently hoping he would get some of the other man's intoxicating scent without any expensive perfume ruining it.

The black-haired man watched him intently, legs spreading a little further and emphasizing how the thin fabric of his pants stretched over his groin. Hyungwon's right hand was still resting on his own thigh, scratching along it lightly while the other held onto the edge of the table.

“Yeah,” the gorgeous man whispered.

_Just hope that he doesn't freak out._

Nodding briefly, he stepped between Hyungwon's spread legs and leaned closer without touching the attractive body. His eyes focused on the coffee brown orbs as he licked over his lips, exhaling against Hyungwon's hot mouth. The worst thing was that he was perfectly aware of how it tasted, how hungrily the gorgeous man could taste him, low whimpers disappearing in the space between their lips.

The younger man held his gaze, chest rising and falling rapidly but without him being intimidated by his gaze. Rather the opposite, Hyungwon remained in place and only the way the black-haired man's slim thighs brushed over his own revealed that he had moved towards him, attempting to have him closer. There was no fear involved, no discomfort at being looked at, only his raw expressions and fingers that grabbed the table edge with newly found strength.

He leaned in, sucking in a long breath, smiling at the scent that he had missed so much. His eyes followed the outline of Hyungwon's neck, exhaling against his jugular vein that pulsated quickly under his gaze.

“I miss seeing you naked,” he whispered because he remembered how beautifully raw Hyungwon looked when he lay on his bed in his hotel room, waking up from his good night’s sleep. Still he didn't touch the golden skin, he only looked at it from up close.

The beautiful man's long fingers travelled up his own chest until they arrived at the black nacre buttons of his shirt, opening them one by one. Hyungwon did it slowly while observing him intently. There was a stunning second of hesitation during which everything was visible on the younger man's face, every hint of doubt, of worry to disappoint until confidence returned full force and Hyungwon revealed his lean chest.

“Then watch me,” the low voice whispered and let the black see-through shirt slip down to his elbows.

His eyes followed every single movement before travelling over the newly revealed skin like a beautiful country, wanting to visit every single spot, worship it, and kiss it.

_Still, he is in your kitchen, Hoseok._

“I am watching you, but I am also aware that you're in my house. I don't need you to undress, you can stay the way you are. I don't need you to do anything. It's enough that you can take my gaze.” Exhaling sharply, Hoseok stepped back until his butt hit the counter and he pulled himself up. It was much safer like this, this way he didn't have to be afraid of succumbing to his wish to touch.

“But I enjoy the way you look at me, how your face changes when you see more of me. We're alone, so it's fine, isn't it?” Hyungwon pulled himself further up on the table, bulge straining his pants. He looked gorgeous, see-through shirt pooling at his elbows and waistband of the black pants emphasizing his narrow waist. “Come here.”

“I like it here, it's cozy,” he replied as his lips spread in a grin. “I can see you well from here.”

The other man mirrored his smile and licked over his lips before tilting his head back and showing off his long and golden neck. Hyungwon knew exactly how good he looked and even the vulnerability of being stared at didn't intimidate the black-haired man.

“Are you scared?” the younger man whispered and stroked over his chest, brushing over a nipple and gasping softly.

“Scared? Of what? You? I told you this is not your aquarium, I feel perfectly fine, but I also don't want to lose it, so I keep my distance. You just want to be looked at and for that I don't need to be close, do I?” Hoseok decided to join the game and started unbuttoning his shirt slowly.

Hyungwon pressed his lips together and swallowed, obviously wanting to say something but deciding not to. The way the coffee-colored eyes followed the motions of his hands and observed his body, told him that looking might not have been the only thing the model wanted from him.

“We're alone and you're at your home, so shouldn't it be fine to lose it?” the black-haired man replied eventually and stroked over his chest again. His fingers followed Hoseok's eyes, covering the areas that he was exploring.

“No it's not. Because it's my home and you can touch yourself as much as you like, it won't change the facts.” He swallowed a few times and closed his eyes to recover from the intensity of his perceptions, only listening to his breaths.

“Fact is-” The model jumped down from the table and walked towards him, eyes attentive and lips parted. Long fingers reached out and brushed over his cheek, touch barely perceptible as Hyungwon licked over his lips and only left a few centimeters between them. “Fact is that you want this as much as I do.”

“I do? Usually I know pretty well what I want, but it's a little confusing recently.” Hoseok spread his legs to accommodate the tall man better. Like this, they were the same height and he used the position to blow hot air against Hyungwon's lips.

“Sounds like denial to me,” Hyungwon replied and leaned in further, lips closing around a patch of skin below Hoseok's collarbone. There was a hint of tongue before the black-haired man sucked, playing and nibbling on the sensitive skin. The model’s hands rested on his thighs, tracing the outline of his muscles. Hyungwon's hands felt so good, just like the plump lips around his skin. His shirt still held onto two buttons that he didn't manage to open, but most of his chest was uncovered.

“Don't you think you would stop wanting it if I give you what you want? But I don't want to give it to you because you might stop giving a shit and hurt my child,” Hoseok hissed, fingers wrapping around the edge of the kitchen counter and head thrown back.

“I would never hurt your child, Hoseok. She might be the only person that is dear to me,” the black-haired man hissed back and licked over his nipple, teasing it by moving his tongue from side to side. “I thought you were hoping for this to end finally, but here you are attempting to push me away.”

Pressing his lips together to not make a sound, he exhaled sharply and reached for Hyungwon's hair, pulling him from his chest. The rough action evoked an involuntary whimper from the younger man's mouth.

“It's not only about me. You got involved with Choux, so I can't just cut you off, she keeps talking about you and you keep appearing inside my mind, there are too many memories. What is it that you want? Do you want to be looked at? I look at you. You want to be touched. How? Where? Tell me the way you like it and I might do it, but then you told me you hate being touched. I know how you looked at me after I took the picture, how much you hated me. It's nice to capture it because it's real, but I don't need to see it again.” Hoseok pulled again until their faces were a few centimeters apart and stared, gaze gaining intensity again and burning fueled by his grip on the other man's hair.

There was no warning as the vulnerability hit right back, eyes wide and beautiful face perfectly readable. Hyungwon seemed so unsure, staring back at him and breathing heavily. The model's lips looked wet and his adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed.

“I don't know,” the low voice whispered. “But I want you.”

“Why? There must be something that I have that you want from me. You have everything.” Hoseok removed his hand from the silky strands and grabbed the small face with both palms instead. “What is it?”

“I told you before,” Hyungwon whispered, trembling in his hold even though he had been stable before, kissing Hoseok's skin and pulling gasps from him. “You like what you can see beyond the shell. It's different because you make me want to be touched, it has a different purpose. You don't touch me to use me to get off, you do it because you can't help it and because I want you to.”

Hoseok could deal with many things. Emotional blackmail, people trying to pull things out of him, but the way Hyungwon shed all his layers at once, right in front of his eyes, he wasn't prepared for that at all. His fingers shook against the golden cheeks before he simply leaned in and kissed him.

_There is nothing else you can do now._

It was gentle, almost careful, worshiping and giving instead of the usual push and pull that resulted in arousal and tension. He was drowning, drowning in the breathtaking gesture, the rawness and trust despite the lack of trust. Fuck. His lips brushed over Hyungwon’s, kissing them repeatedly and keeping the touch soft like a cloud.

The beautiful man whimpered into the kiss, arms wrapping around Hoseok's waist and pulling him closer. The touch remained tender and each additional kiss removed more tension from Hyungwon’s shoulders, allowing the younger man to relax in his hold and stroke over his sides with his cool hands.

His own fingers travelled over the broad shoulders and curled around the ridiculously slim waist, bare skin feeling so hot to the touch. Hoseok embraced him, letting their chests meet and curling his legs around his middle. It wasn't desperately sexual, it wasn't. Hoseok was good at pushing off arousal and this wasn't it, it was the need to be close, to support the kisses with more skin contact.

Hyungwon whimpered again, this time in an attempt to have their lips connect again, kissing desperately but without urgency and the usual roughness that ended with bruised lips and burning arousal. It was difficult to explain, the need to be close and to caress each other, long fingers stroking over his sides and digging into his skin a little when their kiss deepened. The black-haired man moved his arms up and wrapped them around his neck again, pressing them completely flush against each other.

“Don't- fuck, don't stop kissing me,” Hyungwon muttered and buried his face in his neck when their lips separated, tongue licking along his jugular and mouth desperately searching to meet his again.

Hoseok couldn't have stopped, not by himself. His hands kept Hyungwon close, roamed over his bare back while he kissed the other man's bony shoulders, his neck and finally his lips again. The intensity was overwhelming, something had changed and Hoseok knew exactly what it was. He wanted to turn back time, to not know how breathtaking Hyungwon was when he shed everything and appeared in front of him in his complete vulnerable rawness. He wished he didn't know how elegant and beautiful Hyungwon was behind all that.

“I wish you weren't the way you are,” he whispered, lips searching for the thick, swollen ones and kissing them as if it was the only thing in the world.

There was a spark of hurt that painted Hyungwon's face as he gasped and looked at him, mouth parted and chest rising and falling quickly. It stayed for a few moments, accompanied by rising urgency that hadn't been there before.

“Why?” the black-haired man asked and tugged at his shirt, thereby ripping the last two buttons off and uncovering more of his skin. A soft moan left Hyungwon's lips when he connected their bodies again. “Don't like what's behind the shell anymore?”

“No, I like it too much,” he whispered back, and pulled Hyungwon closer, stroking over his black hair and his tiny curled ears. “I hate it.”

The younger man sucked his lips into his mouth, hesitating for a few seconds until he simply pulled at Hoseok's shirt to have him slip down from the counter. Lean arms wrapped tighter around his neck and he felt a slim thigh stroke along the side of his hip as Hyungwon connected their mouths again, softly gasping into the kiss.

“Stop hating it and kiss me.”

Hoseok connected their lips, tasting Hyungwon's mouth and pushing against the other man's lower back to have him closer. His tongue slipped between the thick lips and he moaned softly at how good it made him feel. His shirt slipped down one shoulder and pooled at his elbow, but he didn't care, the feeling of Hyungwon's warm body pressed flush against his chest made him forget everything else.

The black-haired man attempted to wrap one leg around his body, holding on with his arms and meeting each kiss eagerly while his thigh continuously rubbed over Hoseok's hip and behind.

“Hold me tighter,” Hyungwon murmured and nibbled on his neck, sucking the skin into his mouth and stimulating it with his tongue. Beautiful moans sounded between them, breathy and low.

Hoseok bent his knees and wrapped his hands around Hyungwon's firm thighs, lifting the tall man and letting him curl his legs around him. His mouth was so hungry for more, more of the soft lips, the sped up breaths. He wanted more of the kisses, the careful touches.

“Give me more,” the gorgeous man spoke his thoughts and slipped his long fingers into the strands of his hair, pulling lightly while tightening the grip of his legs. The urgency kept increasing with each gulp of oxygen that entered his lungs. Hyungwon kissed his collarbones, his neck, his lips, biting down on the sensitive spots and tugging at his shirt to remove it from the other shoulder.

He was losing his mind, nibbling on Hyungwon's gorgeous neck, wanting to feel more skin, hear more moans, and see more of the gorgeous small face showing everything he liked so much about the tall black-haired man.

His feet moved independently, carrying the handsome man along the hallway while their lips couldn't bear a second of distance, caressing each other before he entered the room.

_What are you doing?_

The photos hanging on the walls, the broad bed and his camera lying on the desk. His bedroom forced a flood of memories to flash past his inner eyes while his grip loosened and he let Hyungwon slide down his body, shaky fingers trying desperately to grab something but only scratching along his clothed thighs.

_You just carried him to your bedroom. Why would you do that? Why would you do any of that? Why can't you follow your own rules?_

Sarah's face appeared before his eyes, telling him that he was a bad influence for Amelie, that he better not bring anyone home because she would do anything to take away his parenting rights. He just stared into nothing, before turning around and leaving the room, unsure where he was even going.

“Hoseok, what-” he heard Hyungwon call out behind him, but he didn't hear the rest. It wasn't relevant. He returned to the kitchen and closed the door before sinking down the wall and burying his face in his arms that he put on top of his knees. Why was he not able to live like he lived before? Drinking and meeting people on business trips and keeping his home a safe place for his daughter.

“Hoseok?” he heard again, this time a little louder, right behind the door. There were a few seconds of silence during which he didn't reply until Hyungwon carefully opened the door, big eyes meeting his. The younger man had pulled his shirt up to cover his shoulders but hadn't bothered to button it up. There was hurt on the pretty face that the model skillfully attempted to hide with anger. But Hoseok didn't believe it.

_Why did you look closer? You knew there was something. Why not let it be?_

“Mhm,” he hummed, looking up at the handsome man from his messy curled up position on the kitchen floor while biting his lips.

“What happened?” Hyungwon’s face changed again at the sight of his facial expression. The black-haired man crouched down in front of him, big palms stroking over Hoseok's knees carefully.

“I'm getting reckless when I'm around you. I wish you weren't this beautiful underneath all this,” Hoseok chuckled and gestured at the other man's body. “I can't be close to you. Not here.”

“Why?” Hyungwon asked, leaning closer and observing his face intently. The model looked serious, lips pulled into his mouth and eyes slightly narrowed. “Do ghosts of the past visit you when you're at home?”

“It's complicated. The ghosts of the past live inside my head, but the memories are all inside these walls.” Sighing he got up and started buttoning up. “Sorry for the weird talk and sorry for making you feel unwanted. I wish you knew how much I… ” Hoseok stopped and swallowed, deciding to ditch the confessions, there was no point in them. “I wish I could say it's not about you, but that’s bullshit because someone else would've never made it to this far.”

“But what does stopping give you apart from the hurt and the attempt to not feel that way?” Hyungwon asked him softly and reached for his face, brushing over his cheek with his thumb and carefully curling his arm around his neck. The model's other hand landed right where he was about to button up his shirt, cool against his burning skin.

“It gives me peace of mind. I know that I'm doing what I am supposed to do. This is a space where my child needs to feel safe. Here is no space for my personal… desires.” He spoke, but the words were so hard because his desires kept kicking in, begging him to kiss Hyungwon, to connect their bodies again.

“What makes you think that your child can't be safe next to your desires? Are you ashamed of liking men? I was pretty sure that you raised her to be tolerant.” The black-haired man slipped his hand past his neck and sank his fingers into his hair, tugging to have him closer. “You're no machine, Hoseok, stop pretending to be one.”

“She'll come home soon,” he whispered, ignoring the other man's words, before increasing the distance between them.

_You still have his pictures._

Hoseok left the kitchen and got the thin file from the living room before returning and handing the pictures to Hyungwon. “I have something that's yours.”

“Are you hoping to get rid of me by giving me this?” the younger man asked, looking hurt again. His bottom lip trembled a little as his fingers closed around the file, taking it from him roughly. “Amelie isn't stupid, Hoseok. If you think that she can't tell you're restricting yourself, then you're wrong. Who are you doing it for? Her? Is that what she wants?”

“I'm not hoping to get rid of you. I'm hoping that you will understand that there is literally nothing I can give you besides my fascination with you and what's inside you. I won't listen to your opinion on this either, because it's my business and the only thing you could accomplish is to hurt me but you don't even like hurting others, or do you?” he looked down on the scars on his chest and chuckled bitterly.

Hyungwon stared, bottom lip trembling much like the big hands that hung pointlessly at his sides, dropping the file he had been holding. The pictures spread out over the wooden floors but the black-haired man didn't even bother to glance down, still staring at him. Hoseok had seen that face before, the raw hurt mixing with anger, it was the same face he had taken a picture of, the one that Hyungwon left marks on his chest for.

“Hurting people is a shit strategy to keep them away,” the younger man whispered, lips still trembling and big eyes reflecting more of the light than they had a moment ago. “And you should know that.”

Something wet landed on the floor as Hyungwon turned around and ran to the door, quickly slipping into his shoes and not even bothering to button up his shirt. Hoseok only heard the sound of the door falling shut, echoing through the apartment.

Hoseok would have loved to say that it was better like this, that broken expectations were worse than being hurt by the truth, but the way his eyes stared at the pictures spread over the floor and the unquenchable desire to run after the beautiful young man told him that it had been too late for that.

_Reality doesn't change, only because you want it to, Hoseok. It doesn't._

***

Fingers furiously searched for buttons to push them through a random loop of his shirt, not even caring if it was the correct one. Hyungwon's vision was a blur and he didn't care about where he was going or if it was where he wanted to be.

_You want to be anywhere but here._

His eyes burned and he wanted to punch something, to see Hoseok's face and scream at him what an asshole he was for making him feel this way, for pulling him close and pushing him away right after. Hyungwon wasn't stupid, he understood Hoseok's problem, his overprotectiveness towards Amelie. He had seen it more than once, but it shouldn't have kept the older man from getting close to people, following through with his own desires and interests. Distance was only necessary when the other person was a danger to what one wanted to protect, Hoseok knew that Hyungwon could never hurt Amelie, he knew it perfectly well.

_Still, he hurts you instead to get rid of you._

His right hand wiped over his eyes, coming back wet and Hyungwon wanted to scream out loud for feeling this way. He didn't want to, he wanted to be by himself and not give a single shit. He wanted to be back at the point in time when he didn't give a shit about the black-haired photographer and only tried to get his share out of him.

_Why did you even get involved? She told you so much about him, so you can't be ignorant anymore._

Hyungwon had tried to help, to have the older man talk to him and figure out what had happened for Hoseok to reestablish the distance so quickly, pushing him away.

_He doesn't want your fucking help, just stay away._

Trembling from the anger and the tears, he pressed the number one on his phone and checked whether location tracking was on, stopping in a small alley that was surprisingly deserted for Paris. Maybe it was also him, terrifying to others with the mess that he was and the anger in his eyes. The shell must have turned ugly, rotting from the inside from being shown too much.

_Nobody wants to fucking see that._

The familiar black car stopped in front of him and he ripped open the back door, throwing himself on top of the leather and wrapping his arms around himself. He hated it, but being inside a closed space made it only worse, lips trembling and breaths struggling to leave his lips.

His driver threw him a brief glance before returning his attention to the road and turning the car around, driving him home, where he belonged.

_Even he knows that you're better off by yourself._

His fingers were still trembling when he left the car behind and passed the security guard to the elevator, but his face was mostly fine, covered by his bangs and showing nothing at all, just the way it was supposed to.

The buff man waved at him and gestured that he had something to say, but Hyungwon wasn't in the state to listen to switched security rules or changes in parking arrangements. He couldn't give a single shit right now and wanted to be alone.

The closing elevator doors and the eventual sight of his apartment door was relieving, it meant that he was finally home and could be himself.

_It's time to stop being hurt and stop giving a shit._

Hyungwon would have to find a way to keep the pretense that everything was okay while not seeing the older man. He didn't want to, he couldn't bear the thought of seeing him again, not now.

_And possibly not ever._

Unlocking the door with his key code, he inhaled the scent of his apartment, only to stop in his tracks, eyes widening. It smelled like a mixture of fried seafood and basil, which were both not the way an empty apartment was supposed to smell. He quickly turned to the full sized mirror in his hallway and glanced at his face, hating the puffy eyes and cheeks and how humongous his lips seemed. He wanted to take something and throw it against the wall, tell the person to fuck off and leave him alone, but there was nothing but a small glass ashtray.

A glass ashtray that belonged to the only person that could have visited him.

The said person left the kitchen, bright smile on their face and long black hair tied into a ponytail. She looked the same way, chest covered by a thin top and a brightly coloured bra that was easy to identify through the fabric. A pair of hot pants were on her hips and the slim girl had slipped into some of his slippers, drowning in their size.

“Welcome home, little one,” his sister exclaimed teasingly despite being the little one and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Nothing’s changed at all, you look like you want to choke me.”

“Because I hoped to be alone,” he muttered, hugging back slowly and feeling strange because his sister always looked a little different when she returned. There was definitely more distance between their chests than last time and her lips looked a little less plump than he remembered them.

_She must have gone under the knife again._

“You'll be fine, I made you food. I saw you in pictures, but damn, they must be photoshopping you lots, look at this!” Grabbing his cheek, she pulled at it a little and laughed, letting go of his neck. “I'll stay here for a bit because I'm changing clubs, that's fine right?”

Hyungwon would have loved to say no, point out that he just had a terrible day and really didn't want to take care of his older sister too, but it didn't come out.

“Whatever,” he muttered instead and escaped to his bedroom, body lying flat on the bed and face buried in the pillow. It was his attempt to forget about everything. Maybe it wasn't so bad, if he had to deal with his sister, then he didn't have to deal with Hoseok Lee treating him like shit.

_You're not that alone when she's here._

“Holy shit, you own toys? Do you have a fucking kid, Won? But you're gay as fuck!” Instead of giving him peace, his sister ripped open the door to his bedroom, waving around the robot for Amelie and the other toys Hyungwon had bought for the next time she visits.

_Nevertheless, you prefer to be alone._

_

Hyungwon was grateful when weeks of hard work paid off and he had reached his pictorial goal, losing the kilograms and looking stunning in underwear. He had worked out daily to add the missing definition and the stylist in charge looked for much longer than he should have despite seeing people mostly naked all the time. It was good for his ego and distracted him successfully from the person at home and the fact that he hadn't been able to work for two weeks, preparing his body.

Furthermore, it was difficult to not become obsessive about the way he looked when his sister was an expert at spotting things, pulling at his clothes or his cheeks with a smile. It was a little frustrating because she never said why she actually came to him, nothing apart from having to change jobs.

_She must have broken the rules again._

Brushing through his wet sprayed hair, Hyungwon stepped out onto the set, which was a gigantic bed, much to his disappointment. He had done many bed pictorials in his life, but only one famous one that he remembered much better than he should have.

_The photographer must have seen it and wants to do something similar, only for underwear._

Putting on a soft smile, Hyungwon stepped next to the bed and turned towards the photographer, introducing himself politely.

The guy had a sleazy smile and looked at him as if he was a piece of meat.

“Yeah, just lay down,” the guy ordered, fumbling with his camera. Hyungwon's eyes widened briefly, but his body knew the treatment, immediately shutting down his authenticity, hands curling into fists to calm down. It was an important pictorial, one he had prepared for and was paid a lot of money for. He couldn't afford cancelling it.

“Okay,” he replied and lay down on the bed, emphasizing his good angles and relaxing his features to appear soft. His makeup was thick and rosy, but it was appropriate for showing so much skin.

Instead of hearing a shutter, the guy started pointing out his flaws in an unreasonable manner in addition to his filthy hands trying to fix his underwear, obviously only to touch him.

_Fuck._

Hyungwon’s blood was boiling, followed by disgust and an attempt to move further towards the middle of the bed. The stylist, who had obviously seen it, quickly occupied himself with clothes, arranging them pointlessly on a rack. It must be an authority issue again.

_You know those all too well._

He had been so sure that he was done with pictorials like that, able to tell photographers to fuck off when they treated him like shit. He had also been convinced that he didn't need to tolerate disgusting hands touching him.

_This is why you hate touching. This is exactly it._

Bile collected in his throat at the memories that piled up and he slipped even further away, heart hammering in his ears. It was important, he couldn't just- fuck.

“I can fix it myself,” he tried eventually, adjusting his underwear quickly without a real purpose and lying back down on the bed.

“But you don't know how I want it to look,” the unfamiliar voice replied, accompanied by fingers that slipped under the waistband.

“Fuck off,” he heard suddenly while the photographer jerked and turned around, removing his hand. Familiar black hair appeared in his sight, accompanied by hectic activity that started spreading among the staff. Before he could react, there was Hoseok's pale hand that simply grabbed the guy by his shirt and pulled him away from the set, not paying attention to anything. Hoseok didn't even look at him and dragged the guy after himself while telling staff to take a five minute break, politely, as if he was in his right mind.

_He isn't, fuck._

Hyungwon sat up, glancing around to understand what was going on and if any of the staff had more of an idea then he did. He didn't even know where Hoseok had come from, the two of them weren't even on speaking terms. Hyungwon had only written to Amelie and attempted to stay clear of difficult topics, like visits that involved her dad. Why the hell would Hoseok suddenly drag another photographer out of the fucking studio?

_He fucking lost it, shit._

Hyungwon ran over to the stylist, giving him the nastiest look he could manage and ripped a bathrobe from his hands. Wrapping it around himself, he hurried in the direction he had seen Hoseok and that fucking asshole disappear into.

_He was about to touch you, in front of all those people and a camera._

Hyungwon wanted to vomit, body suddenly freezing and saliva collecting in his mouth as he moved along the hallway barefoot.

He didn't know how much time passed, just that suddenly the black-haired man came out of the fitting room, accompanied by the filthy photographer who whined about at least being able to get his camera back.

“I told you to stay in the fucking room, you fucker, I'll get you your stuff and then you better fuck off,” Hoseok hissed at him in a way Hyungwon hasn't seen before. As soon as their eyes met, the expression of anger faded and he nodded.

“I would like to take over this one, if it's okay with you. The magazine knows me, they asked me before they asked him,” the low voice murmured and a pale finger pointed at one of the other rooms. “You can take a break if you like, I'll need five minutes anyway, ” Hoseok said, just like that, walking towards the set, probably to get the other photographer’s camera.

_It was supposed to be his pictorial but he denied you again._

Hyungwon felt a mixture of anger at being rejected again and thankfulness for Hoseok stepping in. He wasn't sure that he could have done something, not with a job of that importance.

_They would think you're making an issue out of nothing because being touched as a model is fucking normal._

Hyungwon wrapped his arms tighter around himself and took a few deep breaths. He couldn't be angry at Hoseok for denying him, he would have done the same after what happened between them.

_You didn't have the time to reflect on it either because she takes all your free time._

Chewing on his lips, he made his way towards one of the other rooms, grateful that it was empty. He let his body slide down the wall and enjoyed the solitude. There wasn't a single person, not even light and it calmed him down. It was okay now; nothing was going to happen because Hoseok never touched him against his will. It was okay, it was going to be fine and he could fulfil his part of the contract without problems.

_Your heart is still beating furiously._

He had no idea whether time was passing or his heartbeat lied about the seconds, too fast to know how much time it really was. His long arms wrapped around his knees and he enjoyed the fabric of the bathrobe against his cheek.

There was a careful knock then the commotion from outside grew louder before the door closed again and muffled the noises.

“Do you need more time?” Hoseok's low voice asked in the darkness, somewhere close to him.

“Nah, I'm good,” he murmured and stood up, focusing on the older man who was still struggling with the darkness. Hyungwon stared, using the moment when he was the only one who could see properly, observing the expression on Hoseok's face and the way he held himself.

He should have been angry, remembered how hurt he had been, enough to cry in the car home and even in the street. Nevertheless, at this point he only felt thankful.

Chewing on his cheek, he simply stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck, scared how relieving it felt, like he had yearned for it all this time. He hated how easy it was, as if he belonged in that stupid embrace instead of on the floor on his own.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Hoseok gasped at the touch, trying hard to mask it right after, but he heard it clearly.

“I didn't decline the pictorial because of you. I declined it because I don't do underwear, but well, I guess I do underwear now.” There was a smile in Hoseok's voice as he felt the other man's arms wrap around his waist carefully to return the embrace. “Remember his name; he's famous for being exceptional trash.”

Hyungwon chuckled, burying his face in the warm neck despite the height difference. It felt safe and at ease.

“I don't even know his name; I never really care about that unless they introduce themselves in person. But- I'll keep this one in mind.” His head immediately returned the memory of the guy's fingers slipping under his waistband and Hyungwon got angry at how helpless he had felt in that situation. He shouldn't have, the stylist and literally every other member of the crew should have jumped in instead of the photographer next door. “That stylist was a fucking dick, looking away and pretending to be busy. Fuck, thank you.”

“People often look at how others behave before making a step, that's the problem. Morals shouldn't be collective, they should be internalized. I'm sorry, I really am, I- I mean you told me how much you hate… it.”

It happened gradually, slowly, as the pale fingers started stroking over his hair, accompanied by Hoseok's soft exhales against his cheek. It seemed as if the older man needed his embrace as much as he needed it himself. Hyungwon smiled against the warm skin and leaned into the touch. It was calming.

“I'll try my best with this underwear thing, you can also hate me if it's bullshit, but I'll take full responsibility, I swear. I even called them.”

“Don't worry, Hoseok, it's not all you. I'm good at what I do and I prepared a lot for this,” Hyungwon commented and inhaled the delicious scent, only slightly mixed with cologne. The fingers in his hair felt so good that he didn't want to let go. “I think you're the only one who can touch me which is all kinds of terrible. Shit.”

It was so easy to speak the truth in the dark, like there was no need to pretend. It was only them, embracing and expressing their thoughts.

“It feels precious. I don't want to break it.” Hoseok leaned in carefully, until the warm, curved lips touched his forehead, keeping the soft kiss for a few seconds before it disappeared again. Hyungwon hummed and brushed his nose over the hot neck before pressing a kiss to Hoseok's jugular.

“I miss Amelie. I was so hurt by what you said that I didn't want to see you ever again. I'm doing great,” he muttered and laughed lowly, breathing in the delicious scent again. He didn't want to let go even though he knew that there was a schedule and they’d already ruined it by changing photographers. All those people had schedules too, waiting for them to stop embracing in a dark fitting room. Hyungwon wanted a kiss, but he still had enough hesitation not to ask for it. The older man was only different because it wasn't his home, his safe space.

“I'm sorry that it hurt you. I can bring her over for a few hours and then pick her up, if you don't want to see me. Oh and we should hurry up with the pictorial too. I know I shouldn't get involved with you, but I am not sorry about it.” The older man stepped back and nodded eyes dark and as intense as ever. “I'll wait for you outside?”

Hyungwon nodded too, taking a few breaths until he fucked pretense and grabbed Hoseok by the collar, pulling him into a deep kiss, teeth almost clashing together by accident. The curved lips were as soft as he remembered them and the darkness felt so safe, like he could feel and think whatever he wanted. He was lying again; he wanted to see Hoseok, despite everything.

A sharp exhale left Hoseok's nose and he felt strong arms wrap around his bathrobe-covered waist, lips returning the kiss and tongue playing with his, bodies pulled flush against each other. Hyungwon melted into it, feeling safer than he had ever felt before. His arms wrapped tightly around Hoseok's neck and he whimpered into the kiss, allowing the sound to leave his lips. It felt so good, like it was meant to be, him kissing his photographer in the darkness.

“I can't stay away from you, can I?” The older man traced his jaw and placed kisses all over his neck and collarbones, rushed breaths sounding in between them and showing how affected he was. “But your shell looks especially nice today, so let's not let your hard work go to waste. Let's make a deal, I take nice pictures and then we go have Choux at Choux’s favorite place.” A playful smile spread the older man's cheeks, it looked cute and he had never seen it before apart… from when Hoseok was with his daughter.

_Is he being genuine with you?_

He nodded and placed one last kiss on one of the pretty cheeks, hands stroking over Hoseok's hair.

“I deserve a fucking Choux after all that dieting,” Hyungwon replied and smiled back, stroking along the older man's cheek to make sure he was really experiencing it, seeing the stunning expression on the handsome face.

Wrapping the bathrobe tighter around himself even though he was about to shed it, he made his way towards the door and nodded one last time before going ahead. Upon his return to the set, some of the staff was already exchanged, probably because they had been booked separately. Hyungwon smiled at the new stylist and let his lipstick be fixed that had magically ended up on his cheek. Fuck, hopefully Hoseok was aware. The pretty girl that fixed his makeup only smiled, but didn't comment on the fact that he had obviously been making out just now.

“It's as good as new, but we'll do a little less blush, okay?” she asked and tapped on his peach colored cheeks. The previous photographer had put a lot of emphasis on making him look much younger, but Hoseok probably had something different in mind.

Taking off the bathrobe, Hyungwon made his way to the set, ignoring the fact that he had been touched inappropriately on that bed.

“Remember, it's about the underwear and not me,” he remarked as soon as his eyes fell on Hoseok and he laughed, stopping next to the bed.

“If it wasn't about you they would've used a mannequin and they know it.” The gorgeous photographer grinned and walked around before taking some pictures to see the light until the whole thing finally started. It seemed like Hoseok put a lot of effort into what he was doing, probably because he wasn't too familiar with it. However, the shooting time flew by as fast as he exchanged the expensive underwear.

“Good job,” Hoseok exclaimed and clapped for him and the staff before nodding at everyone and starting to pack up his equipment.

Hyungwon watched the older man for a little longer than necessary. There were a few light red marks along his jaw, barely visibly for somebody who didn't know what to look for. There was something gratifying to the sight, as if it told him that it really happened, they really kissed in the dark because they wanted to, unable to help it.

He had only one regret, that Hoseok hadn't looked at him the way he usually did, ripping his ‘extraordinarily shell’ to shreds the way Hyungwon really wanted him to.

_You've already forgiven him, haven't you?_


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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He wasn't an aggressive person, at least before he had to protect his daughter from the terrible woman he married and before he saw how that fucking asshole tried to touch Hyungwon in the middle of a shooting. He was furious, so furious that he pushed the dude into one of the fitting rooms before calling the magazine and telling them that he suddenly decided to do underwear pictorials.

_You're fucking nuts._

Just as nuts as it was to make out with the model in full make up in a dark room during a schedule. It almost seemed as if he wasn't allowed to forget about Hyungwon, that he wasn't supposed to stay away.

_Because as soon as you're close to each other, there is no way. There is too much tension and you want it. Both of you do._

He also had no idea how to explain his sudden wish to see Hyungwon stuff Choux into his huge mouth, but it was there and he acted on it, inviting the model to come with him to the place he usually got Amelie's Choux a la crème.

_There's nothing you won't do, is there?_

Again, it was weird to have the younger man on his passenger seat, but he looked gorgeous. Hoseok was able to catch some of the glances that were sent in his direction while he drove to the bakery. Instead of thinking about the way there, Hoseok kept thinking about the way Hyungwon clashed their lips together after telling him that he didn't want to see him. That liar.

_He lies all the fucking time, as if it's the first time._

The thought made him smile and he finally parked in front of the familiar building.

“Let's see if you will disappoint me.” Hoseok grinned brightly while putting all kinds of pastries on the plate. Fact was that he was going to have a Choux fest and Hyungwon was forced to participate. Something about it made him happy, but he couldn't point out what it was.

Hyungwon observed him intently, sitting at one of the tables in the back and lifting an eyebrow, judging him silently.

“Your daughter made me eat Choux for the first time, I didn't disappoint her. But what's your goal, get rid of all the effort I put into losing weight and getting more definition?” Frowning at him, Hyungwon blew air upwards to make his bangs fly up briefly. It looked funny.

_You really want to see him eat pastries today._

“I want to see how you stuff it into your huge mouth while being happy about it.” He returned to the table with a plate and two coffees and sat down, crossing his legs. “You have to try all of them to guess my favorite.”

_You really want to see him today._

“What?” Hyungwon's eyes widened as he stared at the huge pile of pastries. It was clear that it wasn't a joke anymore, and that the model was genuinely worried. “That's more sugar than I’ve eaten in the last five years, Hoseok. They won't give me jobs.”

“Listen, I’ve known the modeling business for ten years now and I know how fucked up this is. You don't need to eat all of it, but you have to try a piece of each one. I don't know anyone who has lost their job because of Choux, but I do know people who are models and love eating sweets. Sarah Lee for example.” He had no idea why he mentioned the person who tried to ruin his life, but it was a good example. She ate pastries and was a successful model. “I like Choux too, but I work out to compensate because I like being muscular and defined.”

_You keep thinking about it because of the day._

“I'm lazy,” Hyungwon replied and chuckled, eyes still focused on the pastries. “My sister will kill me. She's hanging around at my house and she can tell immediately when my stomach isn't flat. She'll give me shit.” The black-haired man groaned, but buried his dessert fork into the first type of Choux. Suddenly his eyes widened and he looked up again, as if he realized that he mentioned something he hadn't planned on mentioning. “Never mind, you can't just talk about that woman and not expect me to suddenly spill personal information. I have no sister, fuck.”

“Huh? But she wasn't there last time? Or was she? In addition, why would she care whether your stomach is flat? You are literally the personification of a wooden plank.” Hoseok tilted his head and put his fork into the same pastry the black-haired man tried to cut. He wasn't very good at it, so Hoseok cut off a piece and lifted it to Hyungwon's pretty thick lips. Damn it, he was so attractive.

There was guilt on the black-haired man's face, but he closed his lips around it, chewing slowly until he looked like he was experiencing pure bliss.

“Shit, this is good,” he muttered and butchered another piece, squeezing it weirdly to remove a piece, a small one. “Well, actually she lives outside of Paris, in the south, but she gets in trouble sometimes and stays at my place during those times. It's- a little tiring, but she knows what looks good.”

“I don't trust her,” he exclaimed and cut off a piece, stuffing it into his mouth and chewing. He was thankful that Amelie wasn't there to make fun of him for chewing like a bunny. “I think you look good when you eat Choux.”

“You look hilarious, but I love it.” The model laughed loudly and ate a piece himself, humming in bliss again. “You're kind of cute to be honest. I'm happy I don't have to go home right now and that's rare.”

_There it is._

“I also don't have to go home because Choux is with Kihyun today. He begged so much, so she's staying over,” he lied and took a sip of his coffee to neutralize the sweet taste and be able to try something else. Cutting a piece of a caramel éclair, he lifted the fork to Hyungwon's mouth and nodded. “You don't like having guests?”

“Depends on the guests, but I never have any apart from her. She’s already asked if I accidentally got somebody pregnant because of the toys, god.” Groaning, the black-haired man brushed through his hair and leaned in to close his thick lips around the offered piece. Hyungwon had a really big mouth, barely chewing before he swallowed the mass and took a sip of his own coffee. He looked gorgeous, distracted from his appearance and focused on food and complaining. “I don't like this one,” he pointed out and gestured towards the chocolate éclair. “The Choux a la crème is the best so far. It melts in my mouth.”

“Mhm, I like that one too,” Hoseok replied absentmindedly, thinking about accidentally getting someone pregnant. “Are you bisexual?”

“Definitely not,” the black-haired man replied and laughed loudly. “I was weirded out when I started modelling and female stylists were more touchy than necessary because I was a rookie.”

Hoseok nodded and stuffed the complete chocolate éclair into his mouth to not think about uncomfortable topics. His cheeks turned humongous, but he did his best to finish chewing without opening his mouth. Gulping half of his coffee right after; he finished and sighed, looking up at the handsome man. “If you don't want to go home, do you want to see my studio instead?” he asked for no fucking reason at all.

_Why are you like this, Hoseok? Are you that desperate?_

Hyungwon lifted an eyebrow before smiling brightly, finally removing his gaze from Hoseok's mouth and meeting his eyes instead.

“I’d love to,” the black-haired replied quietly and rested his face on his palms. It was silent for a few moments until Hyungwon's expression changed and he smiled even more. “Are you bisexual?”

_Have fun explaining._

“I thought I was straight for the most part of my life, but I don't think so anymore. I guess I'm pretty much gay.” The topic was uncomfortable again, so he pierced a huge piece of Choux and stuffed it into Hyungwon's mouth before doing the same with his own.

The model coughed, holding onto his neck and attempted to chew. Once he finally managed, he threw Hoseok a judgmental look for what felt like two seconds before his features relaxed and he looked thoughtful.

“That's possible I guess. Do you think it's because of bad experiences with Amelie's mom, or independent of that? I know a few models that decided to be with women after the whole touching and getting pictorials business. Maybe that's why I think I'm kind of asexual unless I want something.” Again, the beautiful man chuckled, but it sounded shy.

“There was something interesting about her, but I only found out later what it was, that was the problem. It wasn't because of bad experiences with her, at least not in my case. I simply thought about a few things when I happened to be in a situation to reflect. The last three years seem clear to me. So, yeah.” Hoseok finished his coffee and licked the cream from his fork. “Asexual, you say?” he murmured and lifted an eyebrow. It could be the case, but not with him. Not when Hyungwon was with him.

“Well, at least I had no need to be close to anybody. It rather made me vomit to think about it, you know. Like today, it was… Kind of bad. However, I was pretty; it was my start into the career and my sister's bad influence. I was dumb and eighteen and thought I could make decisions and signed a contract with a real asshole. Worse than the dude today.” Hyungwon quickly reached for his coffee and covered his face with it, keeping Hoseok from seeing his expression. “I'm glad you stay away from that woman, I- I heard you talk and she seems like a real bitch.”

“I'm glad that you seem better now. Besides getting good night kisses, I heard. Amelie said it was a serious issue.” He smiled, remembering how his daughter talked to him about it. That she needed to find someone who would give the black-haired man his good night kisses. Reaching for the plump mouth, Hoseok removed the crème he had been staring at for the past ten minutes and licked it from his finger.

Hyungwon licked over his lips belatedly and slapped his hand, cheeks gaining color.

“What the hell?” he hissed, but didn't elaborate further, occupying himself with a small device that he pulled out of his pants and quickly typed on. It was the same one that Amelie had.

“You can't eat, it's not my fault. Are you going to scold her? You better not.” Hoseok narrowed his gaze on purpose and brushed over Hyungwon's calf under the table to get his attention.

“Of course not, I'm bragging that I'm at her favorite place with ‘dad’ and that ‘dad’ happens to be mine for now. She forced Kihyun to draw for her.” Hyungwon glanced up briefly and winked at him before replying with one hand and using the other to reach for Hoseok's fingers, stroking over them.

It felt weird. His heartbeat picked up at the gesture, forcing a long exhale to escape his mouth, parting his lips. His eyes couldn't look away from the other man's beautiful face and he returned the touch, not giving a single shit that he was in the middle of Paris in a bakery he regularly went to with his daughter.

_You are changing._

Hyungwon looked up from his beeper and smiled at him before returning his attention to the small screen. The hand that was tenderly brushing over his moved closer and intertwined their fingers, slowly, as if it was nonchalant and subconscious, but Hoseok could tell that the younger man wasn't typing anymore.

Hoseok wanted to kiss him, touch those plump lips in the middle of Paris, in a bakery that he went to every day while stroking over his long fingers and experience that it was okay to feel like this. That it was okay to not only want but also do all those things.

Just that it wasn't his life that he was dreaming about.

_This movie is not about you._

“Have you been to my exhibition before?” he asked, removing his hand and smiling as much as he could while grabbing his bag from the floor. “For some reason I invited you to my studio, so I guess I can show you the exhibition too.”

“You have an exhibition? My stalking skills must have gotten rusty,” Hyungwon commented and stood up too, packing away his beeper. The tall man looked a little disappointed but hid it expertly, grinning instead.

“I never advertise and I used the studio more often a few years ago. But it's very cozy and you can see a few of my pictures there, if you're interested that is. Otherwise you can also just sit on the huge couch in between all the plants and drink coffee.” His hand brushed against Hyungwon's big one, before he jumped into the car and waited for the gorgeous man to take his spot.

“I enjoy all of the above. Your pictures are amazing and I also like couches and coffee. I never thought I was such a simple person.” The model licked over his lips and buckled up, one hand slipping towards Hoseok's thigh until it rested there throughout the car ride.

During the last five minutes, he finally decided to place his right hand on top of Hyungwon's. His was small in comparison.

“I don't think that you're simple,” he whispered while turning off the engine and unbuckling quickly to buy a parking ticket for once. He gestured for Hyungwon to follow and climbed up the two flights of stairs, before he unlocked the door, slipping past red curtains and finally arriving at his small exhibition hall filled with pictures, plants and a big couch.

“I don't know why I brought you here, but voila.”

Hyungwon didn't comment and immediately moved towards the first photograph, examining it intently and without speaking until he moved towards the second. The black-haired man was attentive, stepping closer and observing the tiny gems hidden in each picture, the emotions, the feelings, all of it.

“You're amazing,” the low voice whispered after the model had seen about half of the exhibition. “Why does nobody know about this? You are famous; people should be pulling each other’s’ hair to see it. I feel blessed.” Turning around, Hyungwon smiled at him, arms crossed in front of his chest.

“Only close friends know because it’s connected to my studio, but I do other exhibitions sometimes.” Hoseok walked towards the handsome man and reached out, curling his hands around the bony shoulders to turn Hyungwon around. Chuckling, he pushed the slim figure towards the picture on the far right. He liked it a lot. The look in the coffee brown eyes that he had seen for the first time. He really liked it a lot. “See. You didn't give me permission, so I can't let people come here.”

“Oh my god, it's the one that Amelie gave me,” Hyungwon commented and turned around to look at him with wide eyes. “You keep it here? But why?”

_Why?_

“Because I like it?” he asked back, confused whether he did something wrong. “You don't want it? I'll take it down if it makes you uncomfortable.” Hoseok chewed on his lips and let his gaze jump from the picture to the original and back. Hyungwon was definitely stunning.

“Oh no, it's an honor to have it here, I mean it. I just-” The younger man looked so out of place suddenly, glancing around and chewing on his cheek. “I was just wondering what you… see in it.”

Hoseok stepped closer until there were only a few centimeters between their faces.

“I see you,” he whispered.

***

Hyungwon hadn't been able to tell Hoseok about the little bit of red on his chin, watching it with silent satisfaction and amusement. It was adorable when the older man chewed his pastry or smiled brightly, amused by something.

Their meeting was different this time, light and without pressure, like a walk along the Seine without any unnecessary words or undisclosed desires. It was only them, eating pastries that were going to make him fat, drinking bitter coffee and laughing about everything and nothing at the same time. Hyungwon couldn't remember ever feeling this way, without needing to do something, or having to take somebody home. It was only them and Hyungwon's embarrassing attempt to be busy with his beeper.

_Why would you hold his hand? Are you fifteen?_

He wasn't, but he still wanted to, so he did, pretending that he didn't and smiling at Hoseok's beautiful face. Hyungwon had done the same during the car ride, resting his hand on Hoseok's muscular thigh, hot under his fingertips even through the fabric.

His heart skipped a beat when a warm palm was placed on top of his, showing affection without saying a word. It was so intimate, but he couldn't really talk about it, so he didn't, silently enjoying it and melting in his seat.

_You are embarrassing._

Nothing had prepared him for the spacious studio and the mini collection of photographs, gorgeous shots of people in thought, in conversation, happy, hurt, all of it. Hoseok was able to capture the most intense moments around him without being involved in them. Hyungwon held his breath, as he looked at the beauty, overwhelmed that he was not only allowed to see it, but that he was part of the collection.

It was the picture on his night table, him in thought with a cup of coffee, face pensive but so vulnerable at the same time. He didn't remember it and he didn't remember his thoughts, but he felt the emotions while looking at it, while observing the features of his own face.

_He can see things that nobody else can see. He sees them in a few people, but he seems to like what he sees in you._

Hyungwon swallowed and felt hesitant about his conclusion. It felt special, being at the older man’s studio, kissing him, coming to his house. All of it was new and something he wouldn’t normally do.

_You're not the only one acting out of line._

Hyungwon wanted to know what it was that Hoseok could see that fascinated the older man enough to capture it.

The distance between them decreased as the black-haired man stepped closer, pausing right in front of him, eyes focused on his. Hyungwon's skin tingled at the eye contact and he licked over his lips in a nervous attempt to keep his composure.

“I see you,” Hoseok replied quietly and the overwhelming wish to kiss the other man returned full force, beginning at his fingertips that tingled. He wanted it so much, more than anything. He wanted to show Hoseok how much the words meant to him, that they made him lose composure and fueled the want to be close. Hyungwon felt like he could offer himself on a plate and it would be okay.

_Your face must be saying it all._

“You're beautiful.” The words escaped Hoseok's curved mouth before a pale hand lifted in a familiar manner, tracing his eyebrows, nose and lips without touching him. “But not this,” the low voice murmured before the hand disappeared, dark gaze replacing it and gaining intensity. “I mean what's under it.”

_He doesn't care about your shell. But what can he see under it?_

“What do you see under it?” he whispered and stayed in place, heart hammering in his ears. “Isn't it devastating and dark?”

_Rotting on the inside from being exposed too much._

Hoseok smiled and shook his head, black eyes observing him. It almost seemed as if he could see right through him, inside him.

“It's stunning. Raw and vulnerable, but also dangerous, ready to hurt back, holding a knife, or having sharp teeth, whichever metaphor you prefer. It's as if you're standing in front of me, naked and showing all the beauty you possess at once, but if I step close enough I can see that you're ready to hurt as soon as someone wants to touch it. That's why I only look.”

“But-” Hyungwon swallowed again, aware that his face showed how nervous he was, how overwhelmed he felt knowing somebody felt that way about him, fascinated by his core. His hands shook as he reached out and placed them flat against Hoseok's chest, feeling the other man's heartbeat.

_But he is the only person you allow._

“But you can touch me,” he whispered, hands betraying his emotional state because of the tremble that continuously passed through them. “I'll keep you safe.”

_Because he does the same with you._

Hyungwon didn't know how he could trust another person to that degree while not trusting them emotionally. He couldn't understand it, but here he was, offering to be touched despite getting hurt not too long ago.

“I don't know why I feel like this, but I'm fine with only watching. I don't want to break it.” Hoseok placed his palms on top of his, warming them and gaze sliding over his face gently.

“Would touching me break it?” Hyungwon asked and stepped closer, enough to be able to press his forehead lightly against Hoseok's, breathing the same air. “Do you plan on hurting me? Is that why you think it will break?”

“I- I don't plan to, but my life isn't like this happy ending movie. My life is more… a drama with a broken protagonist who suffers but makes sacrifices to help the next generation. I have nothing to give, that's why I do all these weird things like forcing you to go to a bakery and show you my secret workplace, like this kid that shows his stupid toys and hopes that the other kids like him?” The older man looked devastated, black eyes glistening and teeth chewing on his curved lips that were able to create such beautiful smiles. He felt Hoseok's hands tremble against his own.

_Holy shit._

Hyungwon had expected a lot of things, denial, a quick distraction, but he hadn't been prepared for the outpouring of emotions that grabbed his heart and squeezed it painfully. Hoseok looked vulnerable, so vulnerable that there was nothing left to do but wrap his lean arms around the other man's neck and hold him close.

“Who’s the kid? I'm the one who tried to hold hands in a cafe,” he admitted and stroked over the black hair. “You're doing fine, because you show the things that are the most meaningful to you. If one of us has nothing to show then it's me, because… there's just me and the shell.”

“I thought about how nice it would be if I could just do what I like. I really wish it was my movie. I would've kissed you then.” The curved lips spread in a sad smile. “But don't worry about me, you are breathtaking, I've seen it. Maybe I can't give you anything else, but I can be your mirror.”

Hyungwon let go of the black hair and cupped the warm cheeks instead, tilting Hoseok's head back and kissing him intently. The touch was breathtaking, tingling throughout his whole body as he moved his lips against the other man's, tasting him with his tongue.

“Then I'll be the one to act for you,” he whispered and licked into Hoseok's mouth, gasping into the intimate kiss.

A few moments passed before strong arms embraced him tightly and held him close while Hoseok kissed back. There was something different about this kiss compared to the others they’d shared. There was so much intimacy and vulnerability. It was easy to break. It wasn't fueled by arousal, but raw emotions shared and deepened through the touch of their lips.

Hyungwon felt desperate to hold onto it, to save it from breaking by staying close and connected. He brushed over Hoseok's cheeks with his thumbs while placing kisses all over the curved mouth. He wasn't acting like himself, following the older man to his favorite places and kissing him without warning. It wasn't like him, but there was nothing that Hyungwon wanted more.

_What's happening between the two of you?_

“It's okay,” he mumbled, not only convincing Hoseok but also himself, hands continuously stroking over the other man's soft skin.

Hoseok seemed similarly desperate, fingers roaming over his back, sinking into his hair, stroking over his sides. The warm lips placed kisses on his face and his neck, sharp exhales hitting the wet spots that the beautiful man's tongue created.

“I don't want to hurt you. I really don't.”

“Then don't,” Hyungwon replied and hummed lowly, resuming the kiss and attempting to walk backwards where he remembered the red couch to be. “Let's not hurt each other then. I'll take care of you.”

“But I told you, there is literally nothing I can give you, how can you not have any expectations?” Hoseok asked, but caught onto his intention, turning them and letting himself fall on top of the couch. The dark, wide eyes were staring at him, intense but also sad somehow.

“I think you're lying to yourself about not being able to give anything. You've decided that for yourself but it isn't set in stone,” he replied quietly and climbed on top of the other man, hands resting on each side of Hoseok's face and thighs arranged on top of the older man's lap. He acted without thinking much, heart beating quickly because he could be so close. “I don't even know what I want yet apart from being looked at, so it's fine, isn't it?”

_You're lying to him again._

“You're a fucking liar, but why do I like it so much?” Hoseok whispered and leaned forward, kissing him desperately, hands slowly sliding along his sides and over his lower back, slipping under the fabric carefully.

Hyungwon gasped at the sensation and deepened the kiss by wrapping his arms tightly around Hoseok's neck, leaning his body against the other man. They were so close and both of them were nuts for bullshiting each other and even themselves.

“Because you want my lies to be true as much as you want me.”

“Kiss me. Kiss me more,” Hoseok whispered before moaning softly at a shift of his body on top of him.

The other man’s desperation fueled him, so he kissed Hoseok's chin and licked over his neck, all the way to his collarbones that he sucked on, rubbing his tongue over them. The black-haired man tasted good and Hyungwon rolled his hips once, unable to help it. Hoseok was so gorgeous like this, wanting more and pulling him as close as possible.

“I- I'm usually not the type for gentle caresses, I live off intensity, so I trust you to bite me if you don't like something.” Hoseok moaned softly, before stroking over his thighs, scratching over the fabric lightly and watching him with his black eyes.

Hyungwon moaned at the sensation, rolling his hips again and nibbling along the length of Hoseok's collarbone. He wanted to hear more of those soft sounds, low and desperate with stuttered words. It wasn't like him at all because listening to somebody else moan didn't give him anything, or at least it never had before, but here he was, worshiping the older man's body with his lips and tongue.

Lifting up the shirt, he crawled a little lower and covered Hoseok's stomach in kisses, dipping his tongue into his navel before licking upwards and sucking on his nipples.

Hoseok was more pragmatic and simply pulled his shirt over his head, remaining half naked. The black-haired man looked gorgeous, having a perfectly shaped body without an occupation that required it.

Moaning softly at his touches, Hoseok pulled his loose shirt down to close his gorgeous lips around one of his nipples, humming against it.

Hyungwon moaned loudly and pulled his thighs together to remain in place. He was sensitive and barely able to contain himself, fingers immediately tugging at Hoseok's hair to feel more. The arousal was sudden, hitting him right when he was vulnerable from the intimacy.

“The sounds you make, oh god,” Hoseok hissed and let out a gorgeous low moan before sucking harder, accompanied by the strong hands curling around his thighs and pulling him closer and tighter against the muscular body.

“Shit,” he hissed and threw his head back, pulling at the soft strands to feel more. Suddenly he wanted it so much, to be close and be touched, to have Hoseok drive him mad with his hands and lips. The moans were like a waterfall now, making him dizzy. It was similar to the image he had back when he visited Hoseok, imagining the older man pushing him back against the table and sucking on his nipples.

“I love the way you taste and you didn't use perfume, fuck,” Hoseok moaned and he felt teeth rubbing against his sensitive buds while the older man's hips rolled into him. He could feel how much the muscular photographer wanted him.

Hyungwon groaned at the motion, body trembling and screaming for more. He was grateful that he didn't wear perfume, after all it didn't appear in pictures. His hands reached for the naked skin and brushed over it, stroking the hardened buds and scratching lightly over the defined muscles. The black-haired man's skin tone contrasted with his own, looking pale and almost milky.

He wanted more, so much more.

“Do it again,” he ordered and rolled his own hips, teeth settling in his bottom lip.

The older man licked over his lips quickly, before curling his fingers around his hips and rolling his lower body while pressing him down into the movement. A split second passed before the curved lips closed around his nipple and sucked, hips repeating the motion.

“Oh god, Hoseok,” he moaned and scratched over the pale chest without meaning to, body responding to the pleasure. He threw his head back automatically, exposing himself as much as he could to enable the older man to do more, to make him moan and touch him as much as he wanted to.

There wasn't much hesitation before he felt teeth against his neck, hands wrapped around his waist and the other man's hot chest pressing against his clothed one. Gorgeous, low moans sounded muffled against his skin while the pale, skilled fingers scratched over his clothed thighs, his inner thighs, his knees, until Hoseok simply rubbed along the length of his erection, hissing and eyes fluttering shut.

_Fuck._

The situation spun right out of his control, driven by the sudden explosion of arousal and the desire to feel more. Hyungwon moaned, unrestrained and breathy, body screaming at him to act. He almost ripped his silk shirt in the process of pulling it over his head and threw it into a random corner of the older man's studio.

“Touch me,” he moaned and sat right on top of the black-haired man's groin, arms wrapped tightly around his neck and gasps hitting the gorgeous face at a quick pace. Hyungwon shifted to feel how aroused Hoseok was, how much he reacted to him. “I want you to, Hoseok.”

_He makes you burn up._

The black eyes watched him for a few seconds before Hoseok pushed him down from his lap and got up, pressing him into the couch, settling between his legs and immediately ravishing his neck. Next was his chest and the muscles of his stomach. The older man's strong hands kept his legs spread as Hoseok opened the button of his jeans with his teeth and pulled down the zipper.

“Tell me if I do something you don't want me to do,” the attractive low voice said as Hoseok licked over his lips, watching him from under his black bangs.

Hyungwon was hyperventilating, hands sinking into the red leather of the couch and holding on desperately. He never asked anybody to touch him, but here he was, not even regretting it as his lower body burned and his legs trembled in Hoseok's grip. He nodded furiously and gasped again, throwing his head against the couch pillows. It felt like being worshiped, having every inch of his skin kissed and touched and he enjoyed it so much.

 _You would undress for him, just so he could touch you all over_.

“Look at me,” he managed to force out of his throat and lifted up on his elbow to watch, to meet those black eyes. He needed the eye contact; it was what made him want to be close so much, to be touched by the black-haired man.

_It's him, you want to see that it's him._

A gorgeous smile appeared, ripping through all the arousal that was written on Hoseok's face, while he watched him for a few seconds before leaning in and letting their lips touch briefly.

“How can I not look at you?” the low voice whispered as the handsome face appeared again.

Hyungwon felt the sudden urge to cry even though it was fucking ridiculous. He hid it by grabbing Hoseok's face and keeping the older man close, kissing his lips repeatedly and wishing that he could just drown in their intimacy, not think about anything else.

“I'm not here for your shell, so I need to look closely.” Lowering his head, Hoseok placed kisses along the seam of his underwear, one hand rubbing over his clothed erection.

Hyungwon struggled to keep staring, to look at the way the black eyes observed him, checked how he responded, whether he liked it. He felt breathless with arousal, stemming from the touches and the way Hoseok looked at him, stroking over his skin with his gaze at the same time. The desire to rip all the layers between them was numbing, sending trembles through his legs and fingers that still attempted to hold onto the couch. Hoseok wanted to see what was beyond the shell and Hyungwon felt like he had never been more honest.

“You're taking my breath away,” he whispered, followed by a low moan and an attempt to spread his legs wider. He resembled a teenager, unable to control his desires.

_Because for once you really want it instead of using it to get something else._

“I've never been more aware of touching someone,” Hoseok hissed back and let his fingers dance along the sensitive spots, dark gaze still piercing him with its intensity.

Open-mouthed moans were the level of elaborate response he could afford, elbows constantly giving in while he attempted to focus on Hoseok's face. He wanted to take everything off and watch how those curved lips travelled along his hipbones and legs, pulling even louder moans from his lips. Hyungwon never struggled with self-control, but he felt that giving it up and throwing it at Hoseok was the best choice even though he never really lost it.

_Even now, you know what is happening, but you don't resist it because you want it._

Hyungwon had lied about only wanting to be looked at, he knew that he wanted much more, to be touched, to have the black-haired man around and become a part of his life.

But there was still another question he couldn't answer, not even with a lie.

_Why?_

***

_Don't break it._

There were a few different approaches to the truth. It could be something that came from a very rational place, a thought-through conclusion one only needed to communicate to someone else. There was the truth that came through a discussion, a common truth. And then there was the truth that grew slowly, rooted in a very dark place, the truth that one didn't like to think about, but that was there nevertheless. It had been the kind of dark, uncomfortable truth that he spilled right into Hyungwon's face, one that the other man tried to neutralize with another lie.

_He probably knows that it won't help._

He jumped on it because he wanted to kiss Hyungwon so badly, to see more of his core, to hide behind the arousal, the attractive moans, to not show how sincerely devastating it felt to tell the depressing truth to someone that started to matter to him.

_You don't keep people who matter around._

Hoseok was thankful for the quick change, for Hyungwon's sensitivity, for the way the beautiful black-haired man spread his legs and wanted to be touched. He knew what he was doing, but it was still different. His awareness was much higher, he didn't have to control his gaze and the experience was more intense for him because he could look. Because there was something, he wanted to see.

“Can I?” he asked and hooked his fingers under the waistband of the black Calvin Klein trunks.

The beautiful man forced himself to lift up on his elbows again and nodded, chest rising and falling rapidly. There was a stunning pink color on Hyungwon's cheeks and he moaned softly even though Hoseok hadn't touched him yet. Blunt nails scratched over his red couch, leaving tiny marks. It was meaningless. The couch was.

Licking over his lips briefly, Hoseok didn't deny himself the pleasure of seeing Hyungwon's pretty erection any longer. The tip was wet, he leaned in, slowly exhaling against it, and teasing it with his tongue, eyes focused on the incredibly attractive, pleasure-stricken face.

“Hoseok- I- shit,” the younger man mumbled and stole the one thing Hoseok enjoyed the most by lifting his palms to his face and covering it, loud moan disappearing behind the big palms. Hyungwon's thighs trembled at the brief licks and he attempted to pull them together unsuccessfully. It seemed automatic instead of an attempt to escape the pleasure.

Hoseok wanted to undress him, to sink his teeth into Hyungwon's inner thighs, but he decided that he would take what was offered. He didn't want to break it. It was precious.

First, he removed the big palms from Hyungwon's handsome face, before taking the firm erection into his mouth and sucking on it, hands curling around the pretty hipbones. He didn't care about dieting, the model looked gorgeous, every time they've met until now, drunk, after eating pastries, in the sauna. Always.

Hyungwon threw his head to the side with a loud groan, echoing through Hoseok's studio. The black-haired man lifted his legs and threw them over his shoulders in a quick motion, heels pushing into his back to bring him closer. A small smile suddenly spread those plump lips as the model's eyes met his.

“I- can't believe you're finally touching me,” Hyungwon whispered and stroked over his hair instead of pulling it, tugs careful and adding to the intimacy of the gaze.

“I'm weak,” he whispered after letting go for a few seconds. Having conversation wasn't the best sign for overwhelming pleasure, so he licked over his finger and rubbed it against the other man's small, dark nipple, while taking Hyungwon into his mouth completely.

That must have been it as the beautiful man almost screamed and threw his body on the couch, unable to hold the eye contact. Fingers blindly tapped the leather and his arms until they settled in the couch fabric and held on so tightly that Hyungwon's knuckles turned white. The lean thighs squeezed his head, but Hoseok didn't mind. He continued pleasuring the gorgeous man with his mouth while adding sensations to his nipples.

“Look at me,” he hissed, after letting go for a second. “You wanted to be looked at, so let me look at you.”

Blinking a few times, the younger man looked up, meeting his gaze. He looked vulnerable, teeth settled on his bottom lip and hands attempting to reach for Hoseok's body instead of the leather.

“I don't want to look away,” Hyungwon breathed out and kept holding the gaze, body trembling.

_Then don't._

He kept silent and licked a strip from the shaft to the tip, twirling his tongue around it and rubbing it against the nice, sensitive spots. His gaze stayed on Hyungwon's face as he took him completely once again, stimulating more this time and letting the velvety tip rub against his throat.

The younger man invested his best effort at keeping the eye contact and Hoseok could tell how it fueled his arousal, adding blush to the soft cheeks and revealing every emotion that passed through the other man for him to see. It was fascinating, the arousal, the loud moan, followed by shame for responding so strongly and the realization that Hoseok enjoyed seeing it, returning the vulnerability all over.

He wasn't someone who lived off other's vulnerability, so he tried his best to make Hyungwon feel good. He loved how the firm thighs tensed under his touch and the way the black-haired man released himself with a scream, unable to keep the eye contact and head rubbing against the red leather. Hoseok sucked the gorgeous man through his orgasm, put his legs back down and closed his pants with skilled fingers, resting his head on his arms that he placed on top of the pretty jeans-covered thighs.

After a few moments, he felt long fingers intertwining with the stands of his hair, tenderly brushing through it all the way to his nape until they began anew from the top of his head. Hyungwon didn't say anything and merely stroked over his head, struggling to catch his breath. Their interaction didn't fit that of Hoseok's typical sexual encounters, too raw and intimate.

“Are you okay?” he asked, lifting his gaze for a few seconds.

“Yeah, only a little overwhelmed,” Hyungwon replied quietly and sat up, right hand still stroking over Hoseok's hair. The index and middle finger slipped behind his ear and massaged his temple carefully, accompanied by Hyungwon's left hand travelling over his naked shoulders and back. “Will you let me cover your body in kisses?”

“Huh?” He looked up in surprise after having absolutely no expectations apart from preferably not being looked at with eyes full of hate.

“I would like to touch you too, you're beautiful,” Hyungwon repeated and chewed on his lips, long fingers travelling over his collarbones and neck, stroking over his hair and his cheek.

Suddenly there was the sound of a phone vibrating against fabric, but the black-haired man didn't seem to realize, watching Hoseok intently.

“I... think it's your phone.” He pointed at the pocket of Hyungwon's tight jeans and swallowed, reacting to the tender touches.

“I don't care,” the low voice murmured and the long fingers continued their path along his skin, stroking it tenderly. There was no change on the other man's expression until he suddenly froze and his eyes widened. “Shit, my sister.”

Hyungwon struggled to get his phone out of his tight pants and picked up, looking obviously uncomfortable.

“Aren't you planning on coming home? There are no groceries and you know that I have no money,” a woman’s voice pointed out loudly, followed by a loud sigh and the sound of liquid entering a glass. “I thought you always come home, you're not having an affair with a married man, are you? Those toys are suspicious, Hyungwon. Trust me; they will never divorce for you, no matter what they say. They fuck well and then they go back to their families because they matter more.”

Hoseok could see the color disappear from Hyungwon's face the longer his sister spoke, eyes widening as he stared at him, fingers of his left hand still intertwined with the strands of his hair.

_She's not wrong._

“I'll be home in a bit and we can order you something if you like,” the model replied carefully and hung up, eyes remaining wide. “I'm sorry about that.”

“It's okay,” Hoseok smiled and got up, grabbing his shirt and pulling it over his head, covering his chest. “She has a point.”

“But you're not a married man,” Hyungwon pointed out and chewed on his cheek while Hoseok covered his body with fabric. “I prefer to be with you and I said the truth when I told you that I want to touch you. I don't want you to think this is my excuse for not having to be close to you.”

_It doesn't really matter, does it?_

“I told you, it's okay. Even if you do not want to be close to me. It's not what I anticipated from having you here. I'm fine.” He smiled briefly while turning around and walked towards the restroom, expression disappearing when there was nobody to watch him anymore.

The grey mirrors showed him a pale face, swollen lips and a little pink lipstick on his chin. He smiled at his own stupidity and removed the trace; washing his face with cold water and watching it drop down his eyelashes. He wished he had something to occupy himself with, but Choux was with Kihyun and he was alone today. He should have been happy about the opportunity, but he wasn't.

_Because you can't be with anybody today._

He returned to the exhibition space after a few minutes and smiled again.

“Do you want me to drop you off?” he asked.

“I want you to stop lying to me with your facial expressions,” Hyungwon whispered and stepped closer, right hand reaching out and brushing over his chin with his thumb. “You removed it.” There was something sad to the black-haired man's expression even though it had only been a bit of lipstick.

“You wanted me to keep it? I washed my face. I guess we both have our ways of lying. It's okay.”

“I- I don't know. There was something about it,” Hyungwon replied, not bothering to tell Hoseok a pointless lie he would have been able to see through. Fingers brushed through his hair instead of along his chin, tender and careful. “Did I… hurt you?”

_Hurt?_

Hoseok watched him, while slowly shaking his head. Instead of saying more he leaned in and kissed the younger man's pretty forehead.

It wasn't his best day, not at all. He didn't want to go home. Hyungwon wasn't the one who hurt him. He kept being reminded of the deep-rooted truth.

It was especially bad today.

On his birthday.


	12. Chapter 12

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Hyungwon had never felt this reluctant to return home, not even during the past two weeks when he knew his sister was going to be waiting for him. Even now she was lying on his couch in underwear only, beautifully slim and perfectly hairless, legs propped up on the arm rest and right hand lazily swirling a glass of wine she must have opened for herself. Hyungwon felt very much inclined to join and forget about the mess in his head.

He disliked being touched, but there had been nothing he wanted more, even after releasing himself between the older man's lips. The feeling had stayed, only mingling with post orgasmic bliss. Hyungwon had felt dizzy, but aware enough to know that he wanted to touch, to stroke over Hoseok's skin, worship him in return like the black-haired man had been worshiping him.

_You wanted to stay with him, to keep stroking over his hair for as long as you could._

He never cared whether sexual interactions were mutual, mostly he just made sure people wanted him and gave him things, preferably without him having to give them anything in the end. There was nothing he wanted from Hoseok; Hyungwon wasn't close to him to get something. The touching was what he wanted and it made no sense, not if he considered their complicated interactions.

_You don't trust him, not when he fakes smiles, but still you feel safe._

Shaking his head, he ignored his sister’s sarcastic comments and thought about what had devastated Hoseok enough to look at him with those eyes, empty as a dead seashell. It was terrifying somehow, the opposite of the smiling face that invited him to eat Choux.

_Is it because you were close? Did it break?_

Hyungwon swallowed, scared that they had ruined it, gotten rid of the attraction and the yearning they had for each other. It should have been a good thing, something freeing, but it wasn't. He would have never said it aloud but currently it was the only thing that made him feel alive, like himself and more than the makeup and the clothes covering his body.

“Holy shit, where is all your makeup?” his sister remarked and Hyungwon felt the sudden need to hit his head against the wall, hard enough to be able to unhear the words. It wouldn't work, even if he tried, so he brushed through his hair and grabbed the bottle of wine, taking a sip right from the neck.

“Are you okay? You never go out without makeup and there's some redness under your eyes, you should have covered that.” His sister jumped up from the couch and stepped closer, lifting his bangs to look at his forehead. “You should get a facelift, it's really simple.”

Hyungwon pushed her hand away and made his way to the kitchen, taking a few deep breaths to tell himself what he always did when she began to criticize his looks.

_She made her decisions and you're going to make yours. You are doing fine and don't need anything._

“Where have you been? You look like a part of you died on the way home. Are those CEOs not giving you nice offers? Just get a little prettier and it'll be easy, then they won't discard you like trash.” Laughing, the black-haired woman flipped her long hair back and blew him a kiss. Hyungwon couldn't get used to the change in her lips, it felt like she was attempting to look less like him.

“I was out with a photographer I'm on good terms with,” he replied and grabbed his favorite wine, Merlot, and poured himself a glass. He had no resources to be discussing his relationships right now.

“Ah, he’s offering something nice but wants to have your company first?” A giggle followed and his sister squeezed his shoulder briefly. She was wrong, but she didn't know that. It made sense, after all that would have been the reason a few years ago. The two of them had more in common back then.

“No, I enjoy his company.” Sighing, he took a sip and imagined all his bad thoughts dissolving in the red liquid and disappearing in the depths of his stomach as they were supposed to, out of sight and out of mind.

“Dear God, he’s married, isn't he, Hyungwon? I know this face, I've been there, done that. It's the ‘I want him but I can't have him’ face. Give up, they never abandon family and you'll never become a part of it. Better take care of your real family.” His sister sent him two finger guns and pointed at herself. “Me.”

_Why did Hoseok think that she has a point? What was he thinking?_

Hyungwon couldn't tell because it had been the moment Hoseok hid his expressions and distanced himself. Why weren't they able to part on good terms? Not even the kiss to his forehead made him feel at ease. The black-haired man had been hurt and Hyungwon couldn't tell why.

_Does he think that he would have to abandon his family for you?_

There were no such thoughts in his mind, only complex desires, fascination and vulnerability he couldn't hide because Hoseok was able to see right through it.

Usually Hyungwon would have kept his makeup on, drinking on his own until his sister fell asleep, but today he was too exhausted. Entering the bathroom, he washed his face and thought about what the black-haired man might have been feeling when he did the same, on his own after pleasing him.

_Did he feel used?_

There was nothing worse than that, it was a feeling Hyungwon didn't wish on anybody. That's why the way he created tradeoffs with people rarely ended up being sexual. It felt terrible and he didn't want the black-haired man to feel that way because of him.

_But he said you're not the one who hurt him._

But Hyungwon was also not the only one who had the ability to lie. His hands trembled a little as he dried his face. He really wanted to be alone, without eyes watching him and interpreting all of his behaviors.

“Drop him, he makes you feel and look terrible,” his sister commented behind him, leaning against the frame of the bathroom door.

_He makes you feel like more than a fucking shell, but she doesn't know that._

“I'm going to bed.” He entered his bedroom and changed into his pajamas, beeper safely placed on his bedside table because he had to fulfil his tradition of writing to Amelie before going to bed. It was late, but she could always see it in the morning. There were several messages and he smiled at what adventures Amelie experienced this time, last time she had protected Kihyun from a bug.

‘I'm a little sad because it's Dad’s birthday today, that's why I'm with Kihyun, but he is probably alone. Usually he is in a different country but he is at home this time. Do you think he is fine, all by himself? Nobody can kiss him good night.’

Hyungwon stared at the words, struggling to grasp the meaning as memories of Amelie talking to him about her mother leaving returned to him. He remembered it clearly, how she said that her mother left on her dad's birthday.

_He pretends that his birthday is the same as hers, but it's today._

Hyungwon wanted to punch a wall at his own stupidity, being the older man's company only to run away after orgasming.

_It’s the day she left him and he's all on his fucking own while you're pitying yourself for not being pretty enough, fuck._

Hyungwon grabbed the beeper and typed furiously, right until he remembered that the little girl was most likely asleep.

‘I'll be with him,’ he answered instead, even before he had decided on leaving. He threw the blanket to the floor and almost ripped his pajamas in his attempt to get rid of them. He knew that there was no way to have known, Hoseok would never share information like that, but he still felt stupid for not being able to tell what was going on.

Hyungwon still remembered how the photographer had gotten drunk, alone in his hotel room, crying because of meeting that woman. He must be devastated while Hyungwon lay in bed, annoyed that he wasn't on his own.

It was so scary that he could have stayed at home, knowing nothing if Amelie hadn't written to him.

_You'd have left him all by himself._

‘Thank you so much for telling me,’ he added to his previous message and slipped into a pair of simple ripped jeans and a t-shirt. It wasn't like him at all and he had no time for makeup either. His driver wasn't crazy enough to work at this time, so he didn't bother calling him and simply stuffed his phone and wallet into the pockets of his jeans.

Rushing to the front door, he slipped into leather shoes even though they were excessively fancy for his look and lifted his right hand in a brief wave.

“I'm going out, don't wait for me,” he commented and opened the door.

“But you look-” his sister began but Hyungwon didn't hear the rest, already running down the stairs instead of taking the elevator. The metro wasn't running and he didn't even know how it worked after having a driver, so he hurried to the security guard and asked him to get him a cab. A surprised look was all he got in reply as the buff guy made a call for him, not asking any more questions.

_You're crazy, he's never seen you without makeup before and you look like you just ran away from home._

Once he saw the Renault turn around the corner, he ran to the entrance, jumped in the passenger seat, and mumbled the address, mixing up the numbers and having to repeat it again. The driver laughed, asking him whether it was _l'amour de jeunesse_ , young love. It wasn't, it was him being batshit crazy in an attempt to avoid somebody feeling like shit. Somebody that he liked, a person that cared about him and not the shell he presented himself in.

“I made a mistake,” he replied and leaned against the backrest, sucking in a few deep breaths.

“Then you should take a gift to apologize, it's rude to come empty handed.” The driver briefly turned to the side to look at him and smiled, gesturing at a picture of a woman with two little girls, probably his family. “I once waited in front of her house with flowers for four hours when she was angry at me. Afterwards she was still angry, but because I got a cold.”

Hyungwon smiled back, examining the picture. It was a nice one. Maybe that was how it had been for Hoseok and Amelie before everything fell apart. His chest constricted at the memory of the little girl telling him about it, about her fear of arguments, about her secretly looking at pictures of her mother.

_He must feel so guilty, especially if he later realized that he doesn't love women that way._

“You have a beautiful family,” Hyungwon whispered and observed the red traffic light, wishing there was something similar above people's heads, telling him ‘stop, not a person you should have anything to do with’. Yellow would be the shady ones, sometimes problematic but mostly okay, like acquaintances. The green ones were the best ones, people for life.

“You'll find your own,” the driver remarked with a wink and suddenly stopped in front of a midnight store. It hadn't been on the way. “It's okay, you don't have to pay extra, just get a present.”

Hyungwon wanted to give the middle-aged man everything for looking out for him as he nodded and jumped out, hurrying into the shop to find something decent. There were some flowers and he took one of the bouquets that didn't look like a Valentine's day confession. The flowers were various shades of blue and seemed apologetic. The cake choice was a bigger problem and most of them were rather squished. Remembering Hoseok's love for coffee and the way he stuffed the chocolate éclair into his mouth, he chose a cream cake with Choux dough and coffee. It looked like it had a difficult life, but it also fit the occasion somehow.

Paying for the two items in addition to a cheap bottle of champagne, he hurried back to the taxi, thanking the older man profusely.

“It's fine, in moments like these one needs somebody who helps us to do the right thing.” Clutching onto the items he bought and freezing a little without a jacket, Hyungwon watched houses pass by, heart beating in his chest. What if Hoseok wouldn’t open the door? What would he do then?

The car stopped right in front of the pretty building and the engine turned off, leaving Hyungwon with the sound of his heart and the thoughts in his head. He had never given any driver that much of a tip as he handed the older man a hundred euro bill and jumped out of the car. Shocked was an understatement for the facial expression he got response.

“Get her!” he yelled after him, but Hyungwon didn't bother to correct him anymore. He smiled and waved at the car before pressing the doorbell and chewing on his lips. The items were flush against his chest, a fruitless attempt to hide his face.

One might have thought that the older man wasn’t home with how long it took until he finally heard steps and fumbling noises that went on for longer than a person should take to open the door. The lock turned, but the door was kept closed for a few more seconds, before one eye looked through the tiny crack.

“H-Hyungwon?”

“Y-yeah,” Hyungwon stuttered back and clutched onto the flowers and the cake while lifting the bottle of champagne with his left hand. “Will you let me in?”

“I think I've had too much wine,” Hoseok murmured and shook his head at him, simply disappearing behind the door, but thankfully leaving it open.

_He drank._

Hyungwon breathed in deeply and could identify the typical scent that red wine left behind. Closing the door carefully behind him, he slipped out of his shoes and couldn't calm the sound of his heart, beating like a drum in his ears.

The flowers were shaking in his hands and he tightened his grip to make them stop before he followed Hoseok deeper into the apartment. The light wasn't turned on and most of the hallway was dark.

Hoseok was sitting in the dark living room, only the lights from the Paris skyline and the buildings across lit up the space and gave the broad silhouette on the couch a shadow and a mysterious feeling. A pale hand swung a glass of red wine that looked almost black in his hand.

Hyungwon swallowed and held his breath right after, shocked by how loud the sound was in the empty room.

He came closer, observing the figure on the couch intently. The bottle of champagne was still in his left hand, so he placed it on the glass table next to the older man, eyes remaining focused and air stuck in his lungs.

“Happy birthday,” he whispered and stretched out the blue flower bouquet towards Hoseok. It felt surreal in the darkness, like it wasn't really happening.

Hoseok looked shocked, staring at him, eyes wide and reflecting the minimal lights.

“Why? Is this the reason you are here? Who told you?”

“Amelie,” Hyungwon replied truthfully and smiled a little, grateful that the little girl shared it with him. “Everything was closed, so the champagne is cheap and the cake is a little squished, but I hope you still like it.” He placed the flowers on the table next to the champagne because the older man hadn't accepted them and lifted the cake with both hands, apologetic about the damaged packaging. “It has Choux dough and coffee cream.”

_You're here because you wanted to be, but had no reason to until she gave you one._

“Why do you care? I don't really celebrate, as you can see,” the low voice whispered, but he could see Hoseok's gaze that registered the things he brought.

“Wine isn't too far from celebrating,” he replied and gestured towards the wine glass and the liquid that tilted to the side while Hoseok observed the table and finally Hyungwon. He chewed on his cheek and sat down on the armrest of the couch, close to the older man but not right next to him. “I care because it sucks to be alone.”

_It hurts._

It wasn't Hyungwon that hurt the black-haired man, it was the loneliness, potentiated by the demons of the past. He wasn't really somebody to work against that, but he hadn't been too bad at it back then, holding onto the black-haired man until he fell asleep.

“It's okay,” Hoseok lied, before glancing at him. “Don't you have to be with your sister? You don't need to be here, I'm fine.”

_But you want to be._

“She can get drunk on wine without me, I'd rather be here,” he replied and spread his legs a little to balance his weight better on the armrest. “Want to eat some cake? I can't promise anything as I said, but I tried.” He smiled and shook the packaging from left to right.

“I would offer you some wine but I drank everything apart from this.” The glass balanced in the pale hand, a little shaky in the other man's grip. “But you kissed me, so you might consider.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly before glancing around to find out how much wine Hoseok had drunk. He couldn't tell because there were no empty bottles, only the single glass, held unsteadily. Reaching out, he wrapped his fingers around the older man's, warm under his own cold ones. Licking over his lips quickly, he pulled the glass towards them without taking it away from Hoseok. The scent was sweet and familiar and Hyungwon waited a few more seconds before taking a big sip, enjoying the taste on his tongue.

_You would prefer it if it was him._

Hoseok observed him intently, moving his arm along with his. The black eyes looked mysterious and different from how they usually looked when the older man watched him, but maybe it was because of the lack of light.

“I like the image of you drinking wine in the darkness. It makes your core shine.”

“Maybe because it's just as dark,” Hyungwon whispered and licked the wine from his lips, keeping the glass close to him. Hoseok's hands were so warm under his, defeating the freezing cold that had fought its way past his thin clothing on the way to the older man.

“You don't know shit, but it's fine. I'm your mirror, I'll show you.” There's was a smile on the handsome features, before Hoseok pulled on his hand and took a sip of the wine. Hyungwon's eyes followed every little motion, the muscles that contracted in Hoseok's arm, the lips that parted to envelop the glass, the eye contact, each gulp the older man took.

“I like how your Adam's apple moves up and the way the wine colors your lips,” he admitted truthfully and resisted the urge to lean in and lick the bordeaux off the older man's lips.

“I like your eyes. How you look if you are genuinely interested or intrigued, or hurt. I like all of it. But I don't know if I should be liking anything today. My plan was to drink in the darkness, but now there is so much commotion only because you came.” Hoseok chewed on his lips, dark gaze not moving an inch from his face. The warm fingers jerked briefly under his touch.

Hyungwon pulled the wineglass away from the beautiful man and carefully placed it on the table next to the champagne bottle and the flowers. His body moved forward all on its own, slipping down from the armrest as he placed one thigh next to Hoseok's hips on the soft leather and held onto the backrest. The fingers of his right hand danced along the pale skin of Hoseok's neck that glimmered in the moonlight. Hyungwon left the touches hesitant, careful as he stroked upwards and finally cupped the soft face, thumb caressing the older man's cheekbone.

“Maybe...this birthday can overshadow the others,” he whispered and resisted the overwhelming desire to connect their lips. It burned in his chest and in his fingertips, drawing him in as his eyes followed the curved line of Hoseok's upper lip until they finally met wide black orbs.

“I'm pretty sure you were less dangerous when you scratched me open,” Hoseok whispered, looking up at him. The pale hands stayed on the couch, but it was obvious that Hoseok enjoyed being close to him, hips rearranging and upper body leaning closer.

_Maybe you can touch him now, trace his skin the way you wanted to._

“That's because you enjoy the danger you see now,” Hyungwon replied quietly and leaned in, following the outline of Hoseok's protruding ear with his tongue. His fingers slipped down to the other man's throat, scratching lightly until he was tender again, fingertips dancing along Hoseok's collarbones.

“I'm drunk and you shouldn't be here,” Hoseok murmured, hands curling around his waist and head thrown back, obviously enjoying his touch

_He was trying to forget himself._

“I don't want to take advantage of you,” Hyungwon replied softly and let his lips graze the older man's jaw and neck. “I'll only caress you and I will stop if you want me to, but don't lie to me saying you don't want me here.” His breaths were already quicker, simply because he enjoyed being close to Hoseok so much. He was not acting like himself, bringing presents and desiring the touch of a single person more than an ulterior goal.

Suddenly he heard a loud chuckle as Hoseok's lips spread in a smile that looked scary.

_It's self-depreciation, you know that face._

“Taking advantage would mean that you would gain something from me, but there is nothing. I'll take your thought as a compliment.”

Hyungwon moved back to be able to see Hoseok's expression, not comprehending why the black-haired man was so convinced that he had nothing to offer. That was the problem, namely that Hyungwon didn't want to have anything beyond the touch itself, he kept desiring the means instead of the goals.

“You already give more than enough, so how could there be nothing?” he murmured and kissed the soft cheek, inhaling the mixture of Hoseok's own scent and wine.

“What do you mean?” Hoseok looked surprised, lack of understanding showing on his face, before something changed in the dark gaze. “Ah, the touches?”

“No,” Hyungwon replied and licked over his lips, still yearning to meet the older man's curved ones. “Not only. I told you before that you look at… me, just me. It might be meaningless to you, but to me… that's everything, Hoseok. You're the only person I feel like I can be at ease with because I know you wouldn't- rip my shell from me and use it like a toy. Even if you could hurt me, you'd never- ah, fuck.”

He hated talking genuinely; it made him emotional and pulled thoughts he didn't want to have back to the surface. He had tried so hard to gulp them down with red wine, but they always came back. He swallowed and stared at the shirt covering Hoseok's chest, breathing in to focus on the sound of air entering his lungs. His hand wasn't stable, trembling a little against the older man's cheek, so he let it fall to Hoseok's broad shoulder, holding onto the firm muscles instead.

“I like you.” The low voice sounded so firm, ripping through the silence and so unfitting to the sudden vulnerability that appeared on the soft features.

Hyungwon looked up, eyes widening at the sudden confession. His heart was beating furiously, as if it had forgotten to beat while Hoseok pronounced the words only to resume with more vigor. His hands trembled but he didn't know why. Was it the fact that he had to reply and didn't know how? It was simple, just a ‘like’, something that could be said to anybody, an acquaintance, a work colleague, a friend. But why did it sound so meaningful when it left the other man's lips?

“What does that mean?” Hyungwon asked quietly and brushed over Hoseok's shoulders with both of his hands, stroking over the bits of naked skin he could reach. Why did it feel so heavy?

“It means that you matter to me. A lot. But my movie is a sad one and you shouldn't become part of it. I told you, but here you are.” The older man watched him intently, before leaning in and catching his lips in a soft kiss. Hyungwon’s body melted into it without his awareness, kissing back and arms wrapping around the firm neck. His right thigh joined the left on the other side of Hoseok's hips and he sat down on the older man's lap even though he had hesitated before.

“Isn't it too late already?” he whispered and licked over the full mouth, enjoying the way it gave in to his own. “I like you too.”

The hot lips were everywhere as Hoseok's strong arms pulled him flush against his chest. The low voice muttered something that sounded like ‘oh no’ into his neck. Hyungwon understood the resistance, he did, but it was only words and words were never strong enough to keep him away. He slipped further to make their chests meet and covered the other man's face with kisses, licking over his lips and jaw, nibbling on his neck and returning to kiss his mouth. Both of them couldn't help it, constantly reaching for each other.

_Have you lost your mind?_

He didn't know, it didn't feel like it.

It felt right.

***

He could have lied and said that he wanted to be alone. To drink himself into this particular state of blissful non-existence that he knew so well from the past two years. His birthday had always been the height of his alcohol consumption, just that he had to buy wine because he didn’t have any at home because of Choux.

_However, she is not here._

After emptying a bottle by himself, he poured the rest into the voluminous glass and sat on the couch in his living room, keeping the lights out and staring at the illuminated buildings outside. He felt like nothing. Was it depression? Was that how people felt when they were depressed? As if there was only the shell left, inhuman, unmoving and lifeless.

_Is that why you like him so much?_

_Because he is like a deep sea, gorgeous, cold, but alive, burning but soothing at the same time._

Maybe he did. There was the possibility that he was attracted to the extensive core that Hyungwon hid behind his pretty shell because he himself was empty, unable to give anything, ripped apart by the things he wished for and the impact of the reality he lived in.

_You care about him. How did you let it happen?_

Was it the fact that Hyungwon slipped into his life gradually, not stepping back even if he tried to push him away? The black-haired man befriended his daughter and liked the one thing that people considered weird about him. His intense gaze that he couldn’t help when he saw something interesting, something worth capturing or worth looking at. Hyungwon liked it.

_You are really like this bullied kid at school, happy if someone doesn’t hate you for it._

He was usually fine, he really was, busy with his work and his family and not forced to think about anything else, but there were those days. Those days and…

_Him._

Why couldn’t he let him go?

_Because he doesn’t want to go no matter how hard you push. He only shows you the hurt._

When the handsome man appeared in front of his door, barefaced and beyond beautiful, Hoseok was genuinely believed it to be the beginning of a drunk-dream based on his heavy desperation to not be alone and see the one person he wanted to see so badly. However, the cake, the flowers and the champagne didn’t make sense because there was no way he would’ve made those up.

_He is real._

The truth was even more devastating. Hyungwon came because Amelie told him that it was his birthday, probably pitying him and wanting to cheer him up with the usual cake, alcohol combination. He hated it because he didn’t need pity and he didn’t need cake. It was worse. Hoseok needed him.

_And then? You let him comfort you and tell him that there is nothing you can give him? You can’t do that and you told him already, but he keeps lying to you that he doesn’t want anything._

Of course, the stunning young man didn’t care about his words, breaking his resolve in a matter of minutes with his sudden authenticity, visible in the way his lips trembled, his hands held onto Hoseok’s shirt and how the big coffee-brown eyes let him see what was behind them.

_He keeps showing you how beautiful he is._

Hoseok didn’t plan on telling Hyungwon that he liked him. It was pointless and unnecessary, but it simply happened after the other man told him how much he liked his gaze, how much he loved being looked at, that Hoseok wouldn’t hurt him.

_But you might._

“I like you too,” the low whisper entered his ears while the thick lips enveloped his, making him gasp, regret and be excited all at the same time.

“Oh no,” he replied, but he was egoistic enough to keep kissing the beautiful man, to pull him closer against his body, lick over his neck and wish for nothing more than not to be alone.

_You had your chance to be with someone. There is no sequel for that._

“I wish you weren’t the way you are,” he repeated the words he had said to the other man before, but it was the truth. He felt as if it would’ve been easier if Hyungwon wasn’t as beautiful inside. Sometimes he remembered seeing it for the first time, but every time he did, he understood that there had been no way for him to ignore it.

“Lies,” Hyungwon muttered in reply and brushed his lips over his, parting them carefully as the corners of his mouth lifted up in a gorgeous smile. “It is the only thing you like about me.”

“How do you know? You underestimate yourself,” he replied. Watching the black-haired man carefully, he couldn't help but feel guilty. Like he shouldn't have been doing it, gain comfort and all the nice things that Hyungwon was willing to give him. Reaching past the slim body, Hoseok grabbed the bottle of champagne and started fumbling with the cork, determined to knock himself out before he was able to do anything stupid.

Hoseok had never experienced anybody climbing off his lap at that speed. The black-haired man scrambled off clumsily and sat on the armrest again, a little jittery.

“I'm simply being realistic,” Hyungwon remarked and lifted both hands to his ears, like he was anticipating the sound. One might have even said that he looked a little scared. “If you hit my eye I am going to kill you.”

“I'm drunk, but my arms still work and I could lift you like a dumbbell, so don't worry.” Smiling, he let the cork pop against his hand and drank the sparkly liquid directly from the bottle.

“You're shit at self-preservation, aren't you?” Hyungwon laughed loudly, smoothly covering the fact that he had suffered a minor heart attack at the loud noise.

“Hmm, I'm actually pretty good because I have a lot of responsibility, so I make sure I'm fine as soon as I'm with Choux.” He got used to it, so it wasn't a problem for him.

“You bought the wine today, didn't you? I remember you saying that you don't drink when you're around her.” Hyungwon nodded and reached for the bottle, taking a sip himself, immediately grimacing at the taste. “Cheap champagne is the worst.”

“I did buy it today. I threw the bottle away after pouring the last glass, so I don't forget it. I'm a pro. To be honest, at this point I don't care what I'm drinking, but it must be bad for you. Don't you have to go back home? You can drink your own expensive wine then.” He smiled, hurting from his own questions. He didn't want Hyungwon to leave but he didn't want the younger man to comfort him either. It was complicated.

The beautiful eyes examined him carefully, passing over his expressions. Something told him that Hyungwon didn't believe him, teeth settling down on his thick lips.

“Stop making excuses for me,” the low voice muttered as Hyungwon reached for his forearm, carefully stroking along it. “I don't want to leave.”

“I don't want you to leave,” he whispered, reaching out, but taking the bottle instead. He wanted to be close to the person next to him, but he was at home, it was his birthday, the day he had destroyed a relationship and hurt the human he cared about and loved the most.

_Who are you to be comforted?_

The sparkly liquid disappeared between his lips before he put the bottle on the table and turned towards Hyungwon. He reached for the small face and took the round chin between his thumb and index finger, turning it a little and observing the shadows that played around the soft features with the difference in lighting.

“If I was someone else I could lie to myself and act as if you're a present for me, but I know that I don't deserve any and that you're more than that.”

“Stop pitying yourself,” Hyungwon answered quietly and brushed along Hoseok's arm, face emotional and not as harsh as his words were. “And stop making me want to give you everything.”

Suddenly the black-haired man swallowed and stood up, grabbing the bottle of champagne to pour it down the drain in the kitchen. Hoseok heard the liquid spill, loud enough to mask any noises Hyungwon might have made. The younger man was hiding his expressions again.

Once he returned, Hyungwon wasn't as composed as Hoseok had expected, teeth nibbling on his bottom lip and hands shaking a little.

“Let's eat cake. It's a cheerful occasion, isn't it?” the black-haired man whispered and used his long fingers to pull at the packaging while sitting down next to Hoseok. Their thighs were touching and he would have thought that he was imagining it, but the intensity that their occasional touches harbored made it real. More than real.

“It's not a cheerful occasion and it's the only time when I can just let go of everything and be sad and devastated without hurting Amelie. I didn't mean for you to watch it, but it makes it harder if I have to act in front of you. Leave if you can't take it.” Hoseok leaned back, head resting on the soft leather. He watched the shadows from passing by cars play on the ceiling and listened to the silence. Only the warm body next to him reminded him that he wasn't alone.

“I can take it,” Hyungwon replied and Hoseok felt the warm palm on his thigh. It wasn't sexual, fingers applying a little bit of pressure, even trembling against his skin. “Thank you for allowing me to be here. I wanted to come, but I didn't think you would want me here. She... changed my mind.”

“You make it hard to not feel anything,” Hoseok whispered, hand traveling down his thigh until it found the cool palm and cupped it with his fingers, lightly stroking over it. It felt so intimate, as if there was nothing between them, no layers, just the clothes that they were wearing.

“Then maybe it's okay to feel.” Long fingers intertwined with his, slim thumb repeatedly stroking over the back of his hand. The change was slow, first it was only the soft touches on the back of his hand, then another hand joined, caressing his arm and traveling upwards until it carefully wrapped around his neck. The younger man curled his other arm around him, holding on and caressing his back. Hyungwon embraced him tightly, reaching for his black hair to stroke over his head.

It was impossible for him to resist the careful touches that sent warmth to his middle. He knew that it would have been meaningless with anybody else, but it wasn't with Hyungwon and they both knew it.

“Maybe,” he whispered and pulled the slim, almost weightless body on top of himself. He didn't do anything, even though he wanted to touch him so badly. Instead, he only watched. His eyes accommodated to the darkness and he was able to trace the model's soft features with his gaze without leaving anything out.

“Why do you always deny yourself, Hoseok? Is it necessary?” Hyungwon asked, hand continuously passing over his hair and neck, touch light as it resumed at the top of his head. “You always ask me what I want, but you never answer the question yourself. What is it that you want, Hoseok?”

“A different reality.” He chuckled and let his fingers trace the beautiful form of Hyungwon's lips.

“Why? Isn't your reality great? You have a beautiful daughter, are amazing at what you do, have addicting eyes and someone who is as fucking gorgeous as I am, interested in you. Why would you want a different reality?” Hyungwon smiled, placing a kiss on the tip of his index finger.

Hyungwon's perspective seemed nice, it sounded perfect, just that life wasn't like this. His life wasn't. He saw his daughter being so hurt that she didn't want to come out of her room or talk to anybody. There was no way he would get anybody else involved. His family was Amelie and no one else. Only like this, he was able to ensure that his child wouldn't get hurt.

“Because I would like a reality that has more opportunities to act on what I want. But you're right, you're gorgeous.” Hoseok kissed the finger Hyungwon had kissed before and smiled.

“Why wouldn't you be able to act on it? Are you… afraid that the same thing will happen again?” The black-haired man's facial expression changed a little as he tilted his head and rested it on Hoseok's upper arm, lips pressed together.

“I'm not afraid. There is simply no way. But-” Hoseok turned away, looking out of the window instead of examining the other man's handsome face. “Let's not talk about this. It makes me want to knock myself out, but you took away the Champagne.”

Hyungwon hummed, discomfort visible on his face. The model definitely wanted to say something, but decided not to. Shifting on top of him, Hyungwon reached for the cake again and finally fished it out of its packaging. Dipping his index finger into the sticky mess, the black-haired man lifted it to Hoseok's lips.

“Try it, after all I got it for you and one needs to have something in one's stomach to drown it in alcohol.”

“Did I just receive eating advice from someone who doesn't eat?” He laughed, before leaning in and closing his lips around Hyungwon's bony finger. The cake tasted okay, so he used his tongue to suck the rest of the crème from the long digit.

“You received it from somebody who is smart enough to eat a little before drowning his misery in wine,” was the reply as Hyungwon shuddered but tried to hide it, pupils widening a little more in the dark.

“But if you don't eat, you'll need less wine to drown. I'm smart, you know?” Hoseok licked over the tip of Hyungwon's finger again and winked.

“Let's leave that up for debate.” Chuckling, the model dipped his finger in cake again and held it out for Hoseok. His expression easily betrayed how much he liked it, tongue repeatedly wetting his plump lips. “More?”

“Mhm,” he hummed, and leaned in, closing his lips around the cool finger and sucking the cream off. His tongue circled around it repeatedly while he looked at Hyungwon's eyes until he finally let go, licking over his lips and watching the handsome face in front of him for a little longer.

“Delicious,” he whispered.

“Something tells me it's not the cake you're talking about.” The model smiled, watching him intently. There was a brief moment of hesitation and shifting as the black-haired man dipped his finger again.

“Something tells me that it's not the cake you're trying to feed me.” Smiling back, Hoseok curled his fingers around the other man's slim wrist and pulled it towards his face. This time he decided to lick the cream off the pretty finger without sucking on it. Their gazes met while he licked a stripe, savouring the taste and passing over his lips right after.

Hyungwon hissed, but didn't move, digit remaining close to his lips. The black-haired man stroked along the outline of his mouth, eyes attentive and focused.

“You're driving me crazy, Hoseok,” the low voice whispered as the younger man sucked his lips into his mouth, body trembling.

“Every time you let your shell slip down your shoulder, I catch fire and burn.” He watched Hyungwon for a few more seconds, before leaning in and licking over the gorgeous neck, blowing air against the wet trail.

The black-haired man moaned softly, catching the sound by holding his breath. The beautiful hands reached out for his shoulders, holding onto them tightly.

“Fire is supposed to hurt, but why doesn't this?”

Hoseok exhaled sharply, wrapping one arm around the other man's waist and pulling him closer. He wanted to hear more, see more of the gorgeous core, to distract himself from the fact that he couldn't have any of it. Thinking about it, they really weren't in Hyungwon's aquarium, they were on the dead, dry soil above it.

_It does hurt. Only later._

***

Darkness was an even layer of black, not meant to harbor any other color. It was empty and should have been familiar, the sight that Hyungwon knew the best. After all, darkness and loneliness were what he had always surrounded himself with. One might have said they were his only good friends, the two things that were always there once he returned home on his own.

_But your darkness isn't comparable to his._

The blackness could have been familiar, but it wasn't. There were different colors, there were curved lips, redder than the pale cheeks. Hyungwon could tell them apart from the black, identify those dark eyes that looked at him, watched him with the intensity that he loved so much.

_He keeps fighting your demons, but can you fight his?_

He was surrounded by familiar darkness but it wasn't his old friend. The nothingness had changed, filled with another person, a man that had all of his attention, his thoughts and stole his breath with a simple glance.

Hyungwon couldn't control what was happening between the two of them, couldn't quench the fire that burned bright red once their lips met and couldn't fight the tears that threatened to spill when he saw the hurt on Hoseok's face, denying himself for the wellbeing of his daughter.

_But she would never want such a sacrifice for herself._

The older man sounded self-deprecating, but so convinced by it. Hoseok seemed to have decided for himself to never act on his own wishes, on his interest towards another person. Hyungwon was a gun, shooting against a concrete wall while picking up the bits that loosened with each shot. It wasn't enough to be satisfied, but good enough to keep going.

Hyungwon wasn't expecting much, he didn't even know himself where their interactions were going. He had no idea how to control the way his body melted at the other man's touch or how his core spilled through the spaces between his fingers and into Hoseok's palms.

_He treasures it the most about you._

There was no control, but Hyungwon wasn't denying himself. Instead he moved towards whatever happened between them, acted on what it was that he desired from the black-haired man. The gaze wasn't what he wanted anymore and neither was it revenge or to feel wanted. Hyungwon was fascinated by their interactions and the tension, desiring to fuel it independent of the outcome.

_But he doesn't even allow himself to try. He acts because he can't help it, not consciously._

Hyungwon didn't feel in control of the tremble that passed through his body as Hoseok's muscular arm wrapped around his waist, but he allowed it to happen. Each touch was like a blessing and a curse at the same time, but he wanted it all. Hyungwon wanted to be touched while Hoseok was the one to hesitate.

_But he falls apart when you remove your shell._

The fascination was visible on the black-haired man's face, the switch in his expressions as soon as Hyungwon became vulnerable and couldn't help his gasps and bodily responses. In one second he was devastated because of Hoseok's loneliness and desired to erase it with his presence, but in the next he wanted to wrap his arms around the older man's neck and feel his hands everywhere.

Hoseok was right about the fire that burned between them, the heat that developed and set them ablaze. But why was there no pain? Why didn't they burn down?

_You can't be melting from the flame without pain, can you?_

Hesitation that had kept the warm hands away from him disappeared with each passing second that their eyes met. A hot tongue licked along his neck, subsequent cold air causing goosebumps to spread along his skin. Hyungwon wanted it too much, the touches that he couldn't have because Hoseok held back.

_He hesitates, but your core draws him in._

He trembled, desperate for more and couldn't contain the moan that left his lips when Hoseok's arms finally pulled him close. He wanted to taste those curved lips, feel them against his own and forget about his concerns, to help Hoseok forget about his own.

_You want to overwrite the memories._

“Will you let me stay?” he asked and carefully wrapped his arms around the black-haired man's neck, lightly brushing over Hoseok's parted mouth. A kiss was so tempting, a way to break the hesitation, to melt into the touch again and forget about the doubts that hung above their heads. It was what broke the worries and the concerns, focused their thoughts on each other only.

“Can I?” the low voice asked him somewhere next to his ear, before he felt the warm lips travelling along his neck, placing kisses and sucking on the sensitive skin. Hyungwon moaned softly, attempting to hide it by burying his face in Hoseok's neck.

“You can if you want me here,” he replied and fought the tremble in his body, the telltale sign that he cared about the reply. Hoseok had denied him before, told him to leave, even hurt him with words to achieve it.

_He could do it again._

Hyungwon knew that the black-haired man was able to hurt him, but still he didn't fear it. A few weeks ago he might have, convinced that Hoseok had no other intentions, that the older man did it to get rid of him.

_But he doesn't want it either. He wants to be with you and you know it._

Hyungwon knew, but there was only one thing about him that Hoseok responded to, that the older man was weak for. His authenticity.

_Show him._

Swallowing, he lifted up his head and met the older man's gaze. He didn't hide his worry, the desire to stay and embrace Hoseok, to be his company and turn the day he dreaded into a day to remember.

“Fact is, I can't,” Hoseok whispered and reached for his face, cupping it with both hands. Hyungwon's body froze at the words, dread building up as he attempted to swallow it down. “But it's my birthday, so maybe I can make an exception?”

He stared, struggling to calm his beating heart over something as simple as staying with another person. In any other situation it would have been meaningless, but with Hoseok each step towards the black-haired man resembled a cliff that he had finally crossed. His fingers danced over soft skin, unwilling to let go.

_He doesn't want the responsibility, so you need to take it._

“You can,” he replied and leaned in to meet those curved lips, briefly, a soft touch only without urgency. It felt right again, freeing to kiss and allow himself to be close.

“Do you want to stay? With me?” The older man breathed against his lips, arm tightening around his waist and pulling him flush against the muscular chest. “But I hurt you last time; I don't want it to happen again.”

“You would have hurt me by sending me away.” It was the truth and Hyungwon felt strange allowing it to pass his lips. But their situation wasn't typical, sitting in the dark, embracing and kissing each other. It felt wrong to lie.

“Let me stay,” he whispered again, this time against the older man's lips, enjoying their softness and warmth. It sounded urgent because it was, he wanted to stay.

“Today,” Hoseok started, licking over his lips and looking right into his eyes, gaze gaining intensity with every passing second. “Today I will let you wreck me.”

Hyungwon smiled at that, reaching out to stroke over Hoseok's cheek and enjoy the texture. Usually it felt demeaning for him to sit on another person's lap, in their arms like they could handle him the way they wanted. That wasn't true with Hoseok, not at all. There was so much control that was his, only that he didn't need it.

“You are able to do that all by yourself,” he muttered and wrapped himself tightly around the older man's neck, lips meeting warm, curved ones that tasted like cake and licking into the delicious mouth. He felt like he was allowed to, now it was okay, unlimited. There was no time he had to separate and leave, he could kiss Hoseok for as long as he wanted to.

Something in the other man's behavior changed and he let his eyes flutter shut, so different from the intense gazes that he was blessed with usually. The careful fingers stroked over his back, his arms, his shoulders, sinking into his hair while Hoseok gasped quietly at every touch.

“I'll make you mine,” Hyungwon murmured, fascinated by the expressions he was blessed with, the control Hoseok gifted him. His lips kissed every inch of skin he could reach, the broad neck, pale collarbones, the bits that his hands were able to uncover. Hyungwon wanted to kiss it all, taste it and remember it. It felt precious, a gift that was only for him.

_Only for today._

He was blessed with a low moan as the handsome man threw his head back; baring his muscular, pale neck. Hyungwon yearned to run his teeth over it, leave bite marks to see the contrast. Hoseok's hands stroked over his thighs, travelling towards his groin, but stopping right before it got interesting, scratching all the way down to his knees.

Hyungwon moaned, body slipping forward to have more points of contact. The scratches were familiar, reminding him of himself as he watched the expression of anger on Hoseok's face, back then. The action didn't enrage him, instead it pulled gasps from his throat, unrestrained and loud. He was never prepared to be with the black-haired man, but his body didn't care, yearning for it as soon as their eyes met.

Leaning in, he bit into the delicious skin, nibbling on it as he slipped lower, fueling his desire with every sound that left the older man’s lips.

“I love your sharp teeth,” Hoseok hissed, followed by another breathy moan as the dark eyes opened and focused on him. Lifting his hands, Hoseok curled them around the seam of his simple shirt and started lifting it torturously slowly. Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip, unable to contain the shaking of his thighs. It was only his shirt, soft touches against his hipbones, but he felt like a candle was held to his skin.

“I want to mark you,” he gasped and buried his fingers in Hoseok's shoulders, applying pressure while curving his spine to show off his body. He wanted Hoseok to be overwhelmed and unable to resist him, to stroke over his chest with desire.

The black eyes kept watching him, fascination and arousal evident and sharp exhales escaping the curved, red mouth. The next few seconds passed slowly until the shirt left his body and Hoseok leaned forward, attaching his lips to his skin, sucking on his nipples. The other man’s strong hands that pulled him closer towards the hot lips accompanied the actions.

Hyungwon moaned loudly and would have fallen backwards, had Hoseok not been holding onto his waist. His grip on the older man's shoulders loosened and he reached for the muscular arms, scratching along them as arousal centered in his groin. Hoseok was quick to switch their roles, pulling the ground from under his feet with a single touch of his lips.

“I’ve wanted to bite your neck ever since I saw you in the bar in Madrid,” Hoseok whispered, penetrative gaze stroking along his jugular, his jaw and his collarbones.

_He can't, you'll have to cover it._

“Do it,” Hyungwon whispered and glanced at the red lines that his blunt nails left on Hoseok's pale skin. His breath hitched in anticipation and he focused on those black eyes, basking in their intensity. The two of them were like predators, fighting but submitting through baring their necks.

“I'll be gentle,” Hoseok whispered and leaned forward, licking a strip along his neck, blowing air against it and placing open-mouthed kisses on the spot behind his ear. Suddenly there was a brief, sharp painful sensation, but it immediately made room for the hot tongue soothing the spot and blowing cool air against it. Hoseok moaned, low, breathy and dangerous.

_That's how much he likes it._

The sensation was addicting, the switch between pleasure and pain. Hyungwon could feel the arousal building between his legs, boiling his blood and increasing the speed of his inhales. He wanted to make Hoseok moan like that again.

“Do it again,” he whispered and pulled at the older man's shirt, eager to remove the unnecessary layers between them. They had already laid everything bare; there was no point in hiding behind thin fabric.

Hoseok got rid of it in a matter of seconds, before attaching his warm lips to his neck. Hyungwon could hear every hiss and every sharp exhale, before the older man bit into his skin again, licking over it and pulling him closer against his naked chest. ‘Hoseok sounded gone, as if he was showing every reaction without thinking about it, attractive moans spilling from the curved lips.

“You're wrecking me.”

“And I love it.” Hyungwon leaned in and licked along the shell of Hoseok's ear, finally using the fact that he was able to touch the older man's skin the way he wanted to. He licked over the sensitive neck, nibbling on it, teasing it before he finally sank his teeth into the soft skin.

_You can finally worship him the way you wanted to._

“Argh, fuck, just like that,” Hoseok groaned, tilting his head to give him more access. The older man's broad hips shifted under him and he could feel how aroused he was. The defined muscles flexed against his fingers as Hoseok spread his legs further.

Smiling at the gorgeous moans, Hyungwon rolled his hips, moaning himself at the wrecking ball of pleasure. His teeth left beautiful marks on the sensitive neck, creating a pattern that he licked over with his tongue.

“I want to touch you.” Hoseok let his pale hands dance over his chest, brushing over his small nipples and licking over his lips, gaze following the movements of his fingers hungrily. “I want to hear more of the sounds you can make.”

“Then let me hear yours first,” he gasped and rubbed his behind over the older man's thighs on his way back. Climbing off, he didn't hesitate to slip into the space between Hoseok's legs and cover his chest with kisses, hands scratching over the firm thighs in the meantime. Hyungwon loved the way it felt, shivering in anticipation and biting down on the gorgeous buds, sucking them into his mouth.

There was no restraint in Hoseok's reaction, only pure arousal that fueled the tension between them. The warm fingers that settled in his hair pulled him closer. He basked in the low moans and the sight of the muscular body that moved under his touches.

_You want to please him, don't you?_

Hyungwon smiled at his own thoughts, the change in his desires and the sudden urge to touch the black-haired man, to make him moan his name and forget about his concerns. It wasn't purely sexual, it was affectionate, but Hyungwon wasn't going to admit to it.

His fingers danced down the muscular chest, scratching lightly until they reached the waistband of Hoseok's jeans. He easily loosened the button and pulled down the zipper, relying on years of experience he wasn't proud of. The expression on the older man's face was fascinating, raw and genuine, the same way Hyungwon tried to present himself to the older man. He leaned in and licked over the soft skin right above the fabric of Hoseok's briefs, playing with his own desire to taste him.

“I want you,” he whispered and lifted the waistband away from the older man's skin, tongue briefly touching the tip of Hoseok's thick erection. It was gorgeous and he couldn't resist repeating it, rubbing his tongue over the slit.

“You can have me… tonight,” the older man whispered, watching him with his mouth parted, dark eyes sliding over his features and observing his every movement. The frequent exhales showed him that Hoseok was anticipating his touch. Contrary to what he knew, the other man's hands didn't settle in his hair and try to push him against the warm groin. Instead, the pale fingers were stroking over his face, his neck and shoulders.

_Shit._

Again, the black-haired man didn't take by force, drowning him in affection and reminding him that their intimacy had a limit. Hyungwon didn't want to think about the limit, it was a stupid limit, unnecessary. He didn't want to think at all. Instead, he wanted to taste the black-haired man and act on his desire to be close.

“You like danger, don't you?” he murmured and moved forward, slipping the thick length between his lips and sucking briefly before letting his teeth slide over the velvety skin on his way up.

_You are afraid of getting hurt, aren't you?_

“I don't, but I'm an artist and I'm curious. I am pulled into the aquarium and I can only hold my breath for a short time. But you make me want to be able to hold out for longer.” The words seemed more than genuine, accompanied by a breathtakingly beautiful smile and affectionate touches. Only the sharp exhales and desperate inhales gave out how much Hoseok must have liked what he was doing to him.

It hurt, the unconditional affection hurt. The knowledge that it was only his for a brief moment hurt. Hyungwon wanted to be ruthless, to scratch over Hoseok's thighs, to run his teeth over the other man's length, to hurt him in order to finally break the soft touches, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't do it when Hoseok gave him that look.

_The fire is already burning you, but you didn't realize._

Burying the nails of his right hand in his own palm, he leaned in again and carefully licked over the thick tip, rubbing over the transition with his tongue and listening to the soft gasps. They sounded beautiful and he played for a little longer before taking the whole length into his mouth and sucking intently, allowing it to hit the back of his throat. Hyungwon was careful, mirroring the affection and scared that he wouldn't be able to let go.

_He will take your core and will not give it back._

A loud unrestrained moan shook the muscular body while the handsome man tried to keep his gaze on his face, eyes rolling back when Hyungwon tried to take him completely. The sight was familiar, but their roles were reversed. Hyungwon remembered how much he wanted to be looked at, have Hoseok's black eyes on him while the older man pleased him. It was the same now, he hummed and applied pressure, tongue licking over the sensitive spots, but he wanted to be looked at. He wanted Hoseok to drown in pleasure and desire while knowing that it was him

_You want him to know that it's not meaningless to you._

The moans got more frequent and the dark eyes closed more often. Hoseok was losing himself, and while he thought that the older man would release himself into his mouth, Hoseok curled his hand into his hair and pulled him off.

“I don't want it. I don't want it to end,” the low voice whispered.

“Me neither,” Hyungwon murmured back, barely audibly and placed kisses around Hoseok's groin, feeling how the soft hair tickled his cheek. He pulled the jeans and underwear a little lower to continue along the muscular thigh, covering each visible centimeter with a kiss, tasting it like a small blessing. Hoseok lifted his hips and pulled his pants and underwear back, closing the button with difficulty and pulled up the zipper.

“Would you take off your clothes and let me kiss you?” the older man asked, curling his fingers around his wrist and pulling a little. “But let's brush our teeth first and see whether I can handle having someone in my bedroom.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly, remembering the last time the black-haired man had lost it after carrying him there, hurting him to make him leave. He followed the pull on his wrist and stood up, making his way towards the bathroom first. He felt strange because he needed a few moments to find it, unfamiliar with the apartment apart from the kitchen and the living room.

_And the bedroom for a few seconds._

“Do you have a spare toothbrush?” he asked after washing his face and attempting to get his mind back. What was he even doing?

“Mhm, a children's one. I never have people over. I hope you're fine with Elsa.” Chewing on his lips, Hoseok took a packed blue toothbrush from one of the cupboards. “Sorry.”

Hyungwon chuckled, unwrapping the small toothbrush with the ice princess drawn on it and with a sticky bit at the bottom to attach it to the sink. It was a little amusing, so he stuck it on to try it out.

“Useful,” he commented before adding toothpaste and taking care of his mouth hygiene. There was a red toothbrush sticking to the sink already with another princess drawn on it. “You can tell Amelie that one is mine. She has Anna, so they’ll look good next to each other.”

Hoseok looked serious, but didn't comment on his suggestion. Instead, the older man brushed his teeth quickly and left the bathroom.

Hyungwon attempted to hurry up, brushing his teeth furiously and watching his face in the meantime. He hated it a little, blush-covered cheeks from the imminent arousal, swollen lips from taking the black-haired man into his mouth and gigantic eyes with large pupils, black taking over the coffee-brown color.

_At this point one might really think you are a fish._

He washed his face once again, remembering that he had none of his skin care products and rubbed it dry with a towel. What was he even doing?

_Why aren’t you running after him?_

Hoseok had switched in a matter of seconds, closing up like the gate of a castle before an attack. Licking over his lips he made his way towards the older man's bedroom, feeling terribly out of place. He wasn't sure why, because a bedroom was meaningless to him, only the memory of how Hoseok had reacted made him nervous and defensive at the same time.

Pushing the wooden door open, he glanced inside, looking at the big bed. The lights were off and only the thin yellow line of LEDs behind the headboard illuminated the room. Hoseok lay under the blanket and stared at the ceiling, instead of looking at him.

“Do you need pajamas?” the older man asked while keeping his gaze focused on the white ceiling that was decorated with stucco.

Hyungwon chewed on his lips, unsure whether to say the truth or go with what he did whenever he had company. It wasn't sexual anymore, only distant. He hated the distance.

“No,” he lied; hoping that it would get them closer, remove at least the superficial layers. He wanted to return the emotions, the affection he had seen moments ago. Walking towards the bed, he sat down next to Hoseok, unsure what to do with himself as he stroked over the older man's chest carefully.

Nothing happened for a few moments, before Hoseok caught his wrist and pulled his palm against his cheek, eyes fluttering shut and rough exhale escaping the curved mouth.

“Do you really sleep naked?” the low voice asked after the older man kissed his hand.

“No,” Hyungwon replied, trembling a little because he ended up showing himself again, revealing his core instead of closing up like the older man had. “I only sleep naked when I'm with another person and have to impress.” He chuckled and brushed through his hair, revealing his nervous gestures. “With you it seems like I do everything _but_ impress.”

“I will give you a pair of pajamas.” A few more gentle kisses were placed against his palm, before the black eyes opened and looked right into his. “But later.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened a little, but his hands were faster, reaching for the pants that he was still wearing and unbuttoning them carefully. He didn't know if it was really an invitation, but he wanted it to be. The fabric slipped down his long legs and pooled at his feet, followed by his underwear. It felt unusual to be undressed without pretending, without paying attention to the position of his limbs, to his facial expressions and whether his stomach was flat enough.

_You want to get to his core again, make it yours, even if it is only for tonight._

Hyungwon didn't need it to be sexual, he only wanted it to be genuine.

“Can I join you?” he whispered, standing naked in the dimmed light, hands shaking a little.

Hoseok nodded and lifted the blanket, revealing his gorgeous body, completely naked and pale, muscles contracting a little under his gaze.

_He undressed._

“Do… you sleep naked?” Hyungwon asked as he carefully slipped his long legs under the blanket next to the older man's, intertwining them before his chest brushed over Hoseok's shoulder and he turned, eyes meeting the familiar dark gaze.

“No.” Hoseok smiled and let his fingers run over his naked back. “I have to pay attention and be decent. I’m not alone, you know?”

Hyungwon chuckled softly against the other man's neck, realizing that it had been a stupid question.

“Of course,” he whispered and placed a kiss against the black-haired man's collarbone, still smiling. “I like it though.”

“I would sleep naked if I could. I can today, so I'm doing it.” Turning to the side, Hoseok watched him intently, black eyes searching for something in his expression. Hyungwon wasn't sure whether the older man found what he was searching for, but he smiled.

“Would you like your pajamas?” Hoseok asked with a brief chuckle.

“No,” he replied, skipping the information that he felt safe. Hoseok didn't need to know that.

_Because you feel like one entity._

Shifting a little closer, he slipped his thigh in between Hoseok's muscular ones, surrounding himself with warmth and the gorgeous scent of the older man's skin.

_You still don't know if he opened up._

There was no need for words, he could see Hoseok's gaze that stroked over his face before the handsome man leaned forward and covered his lips with his curved mouth, kissing him affectionately. Hoseok caressed his back with careful touches, and their bodies gained more points of contact, naked skin burning hot against each other.

Hyungwon couldn't help it as all the hesitation from before dissipated into thin air and he simply wrapped himself around the black-haired man and turned, lying on top of the gorgeous body. Their lips remained connected as he stroked over Hoseok's face and entangled his fingers with soft strands of black hair. He whimpered into the kiss and licked into the hot mouth, attempting to taste more than he was given.

The fire spread so quickly, Hoseok moaned into his mouth, exploring it with his warm tongue and not letting a second pass without stroking over his naked skin with his soft fingertips.

“I want to kiss every spot on your body, I want to kiss the shell until it’s gone and I can kiss your core,” the low voice whispered.

Hyungwon wanted to scream yes, to pull him even closer and give in to every touch, show how much he needed and desired it. He could have said it aloud, but he chose not to, communicating with his facial expressions and his body instead. He turned them again, letting his head fall on the soft pillow and arms pulling Hoseok on top of him, gasping from the weight that pushed him into the mattress.

_You want to cover him in kisses too, have him wrapped around your core._

The older man took his time to look at him. Of course he did. The dark eyes were all over him before the red, warm lips finally touched his shoulders, kissing a line from his chest to his stomach, traveling over his sides and his groin.

“I can't get enough of your scent.”

Hyungwon gasped, hair spread all over the pillow as he glanced down, following Hoseok's motions with his eyes. He stayed silent, afraid to say too much, more than his eyes already showed.

He reached out and stroked over the black hair, pulling at it a little in the hope that Hoseok was set ablaze by the action as much as he was. He felt desperate to make it last, to be ruthless again and leave a mark, scratch over the soft skin to have a reason to return, to sooth the red marks.

A loud moan was his reward as Hoseok took his thigh and lifted it, nibbling along the inner part, tasting him and licking over the sensitive skin next to his groin. He could see that the older man's arousal intensified, evident between his thick thighs and so incredibly attractive.

He moaned softly, watching the effect touching him had on Hoseok. The black-haired man constantly focused on him, keeping his wits by gripping the control between them and melting away Hyungwon's defenses. Hoseok did it so easily, in a matter of seconds and with a few touches only.

“I don't want to be the only one falling,” he gasped and pulled at the black hair again, wanting to fuel Hoseok more, to listen to those beautiful moans and gasps. It drove him mad independent of the touches and kisses to his sensitive spots. He could control it usually, taking over to do as little as possible, but here he was wanting as much as he could get.

_How can you switch off the arousal, but the affection stays?_

It scared him, but he didn't say it, only pulling more and pushing his heel into Hoseok's back.

“I am falling, but you can't see it. Look closer.” Hoseok continued the hot caresses, kissing his calf, his knees, travelling closer to his groin. The hot tongue teased his tip before Hoseok decided to give more attention to his nipples, rubbing his lips against the sensitive buds.

He moaned loudly, eyes remaining open through power of will as he subconsciously pulled at the gorgeous hair and he couldn't fight the additional warmth in his chest at the sight of Hoseok's face. It was the same affection again, taking over everything else and disabling his usual defenses.

“I can see it,” he whispered and swallowed right after, body trembling, “but it hits too deep.”

_Still you want it._

“Then close your eyes and enjoy the sensations.” Hoseok's smile was there, but it didn't look like those breathtaking ones he had seen before. It reminded him of mirrored sadness. The handsome face disappeared in his neck, travelling up as harsh breaths hit the shell of his ear.

_No, it will be the same game all over again._

Hyungwon curled his left leg around Hoseok's middle to throw him to the side, crawling on top of the older man and circling his fingers around Hoseok's wrists to keep them in place. He was breathing heavily, overwhelmed that he had acted out on his own, lips trembling.

“I want to see it, more than anything else,” he murmured, leaning in and kissing Hoseok's lips tenderly, opposed to his harsh grip. “I was only afraid to fall more.”

“But it's okay. You don't need to fall… for me.” The other man's voice was nothing more than a whisper, only evident due to the air that hit his face. Hoseok looked so vulnerable, bottom lip caught between his teeth and lying motionless under him.

Hyungwon's eyes widened as he let go of the older man's wrists and watched his facial expression, the hurt that threatened to slip through.

Exhaling slowly, he leaned in and kissed the curved upper lip, overwhelmed by the sight.

“I shouldn't have jumped then, Hoseok.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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There was one thought he hated the most.

_You should have…_

It was pointless to think like this, but it was like reading a book and only in the end realizing how deep the issue was, how strong the feelings were, how hurt the protagonists would become.

_You should have…_

He should have told Hyungwon that it wasn't his birthday, or hidden the fact that he was drunk, drunk and desperate. He should have lied about his feelings, about his motives, about liking him.

_You should have…_

Hoseok should have pushed him away, told a lie about not wanting to be close instead of unloading raw emotions and worries over Hyungwon's gorgeous head.

_You should have…_

He should have told Hyungwon that there was no way to have his toothbrush next to his daughter’s because there was no space for anybody else. He promised that he wouldn't hurt his child and it meant that adding to their family wasn't up for discussion. It was only him and her. He promised. He should have made it clear instead of undressing and laying on his bed, silently hoping for the beautiful man to come to him, to not run away, to embrace him and to understand how much he meant to him. He should have stayed by himself, all alone.

_You should have…_

But here he was, laying under the breathtakingly beautiful naked body, raw and exposed while desperately trying to see more of the core, afraid he wouldn't be allowed to see it after this day passed, after the exception expired, after he woke up and had to be Amelie's father again, a person who was responsible and only there for his daughter, protecting her. He should've thought about her before diving into this aquarium, knowing he would drown.

_You should have. But you didn't. You didn't do any of it._

He wanted to cry from the helplessness, from Hyungwon's genuine beauty, from the other man's lies mixed with breathtaking authenticity, his sharp teeth that the tall man kept right next to his neck, ready to bite, but big coffee eyes giving out that he didn't want to. Showing that he wanted to be looked at instead, touched and showered in affection, just like Hoseok did.

_Just that you like him more than you show._

He knew when he saw the tears while the pictures spread over his hallway floor. He knew that there was no way he could prevent himself from caring. He cared so much that it hurt and ripped his chest apart, so much that he threw a photographer colleague against the wall after seeing him treat the model badly, so much that he celebrated his birthday instead of being alone for once, so much that he wanted to cry when Hyungwon told him that he should not have jumped.

_He should not have._

“I hate this thought. The thought that one should not have done something. There is no point because it's too late anyway. You will get hurt and I will get hurt and we are here making it worse.” Licking over his lips, he watched Hyungwon intently, chest constricting and skin immediately reacting with goosebumps to his thoughts. “But still I'm here, hoping that you won't leave. That you will stay with me. At least for tonight.”

“Hurting another person is always a choice, isn't it?” the black-haired man murmured, leaning over him and nose tips touching. “You choose to hurt me because there is something that you value more. It's fine, it's not a first. I prefer it if you tell me like this. Then I can at least pretend that I'm prepared.”

Hyungwon chuckled bitterly and shifted on his lap, abandoning his superior position and slowly lying down on top of him, right leg slipping in between his.

“Of course I'll stay, my choice is made.”

_He shouldn't have._

“I was curious as to how it would feel if you stabbed me with your metaphorical knife and left.” Suddenly, he remembered the time when the model scratched him, how angry he had been. So many things changed since then. “Will you let me kiss you again?”

There was a soft nod as Hyungwon shifted and lay down at his side, turned towards him and lips brushing along his neck.

“I feel like my metaphorical knife became blunt a long time ago,” the younger man whispered and cupped his cheek to turn him towards the big brown eyes. “Kiss me.”

“Oh, I can see it. It's there,” Hoseok murmured in reply and lifted on one elbow. Hyungwon was stunning and it wasn't even his body, that was aesthetic. It was how the handsome man managed to pull out his authentic beauty for him to see.

_He only does it for you. You have seen him with others, he didn't show it._

If Hyungwon was showing him his stunning core, becoming vulnerable and scared of getting hurt, then being raw and honest was the least he could do.

_Show him how much you like it. How meaningful it is to you._

His mouth was not resting, kissing every inch of skin he could find, licking and biting on sensitive spots, basking in the goosebumps as he settled on top of the other man's lap, supporting his kisses with his fingers that dances along Hyungwon's slim waist and sides, worshiping him like he deserved it.

A hint of surprise painted the beautiful face as Hyungwon's eyebrow lifted and his lips parted in a soft moan, easily responding to his touches.

“Your affection makes me weak,” the younger man replied softly and breathed in deeply, eyes fluttering shut for few moments.

“It makes me weak too,” he whispered with a smile. The dark thoughts were too much, so he crawled lower, caressing the firm thighs, before closing his lips around Hyungwon's pretty erection and sucking intently, eyes focused on the attractive face.

A loud moan entered his ears, followed by fingers in his hair and thighs that pulled together against his head.

“I think- I've never pushed an orgasm back this often,” Hyungwon commented with a chuckle, gasping right after. “I want you... but I'm not prepared at all, I'm sorry.”

_You would have never done that to him._

“You know exactly that it's not what this is about.” His tongue swirled around the tip, before he sunk down, lips touching the other man's hairless groin.

“But-” Hyungwon moaned roughly and threw his head back, fingers tugging at his hair in a desperate manner. “I thought that you like to play pretend.”

_Play pretend?_

He had no idea what the stunning human was talking about, but it also didn't matter. He cupped the small, firm butt and pushed the other man's lower body against his mouth, making the straight length disappear between his lips completely.

Coherency disappeared as Hyungwon gave up on words, spreading his legs wider and mixing rough pulls on his hair and tender touches. The black-haired man's left hand reached for his shoulder and scratched along it, attempting to pull him up but not mustering enough strength.

“Come for me,” Hoseok muttered before taking him back and sucking harshly, one hand playing with the other man's balls. It didn't take long for Hyungwon's whole body to tense up and the tugs at his hair to become slightly painful, accompanying the twitches of the younger man's erection as he released himself between his lips, trembling from the aftermath and turned limp. Hyungwon threw one arm over his eyes, breathing heavily as he attempted to calm himself down.

Watching the model's state, he couldn't believe that a person this stunning existed in the same space and time with him. He wanted to take pictures.

_You can't._

He couldn't. The time when he could have recklessly taken pictures was over.

_It's not about art anymore._

Instead, he licked the remnants from the other man's groin before placing a hundred more kisses on his firm thighs, stomach and chest. After he felt more or less fine, Hoseok lay down next to the handsome man.

Hyungwon sat up once he caught himself, face still beautifully flushed from orgasming. The model didn't wait before he crawled on top of him, pretty thighs arranged on each side of his hips and his firm erection fitting right between the younger man's butt cheeks.

Licking over his lips, Hyungwon rolled his hips once while his hands roamed his chest, rubbing over his nipples and mixing tender caresses with blunt nails scratching over his chest.

Hoseok moaned loudly and met the hip roll, sitting up quickly and curling one arm around the slim waist, lips attaching to the beautiful golden neck. Hyungwon's body tensed briefly once he registered Hoseok's arm around his waist, holding back a gasp and how much he must have liked it. His sounds fueled the slim man on his lap as he repeated the smooth motion of his hip, sliding right over his erection and adding tugs on his hair to the sensations. Hot, plump lips were the finale as they covered his own and pulled him into intimate, open-mouthed kisses.

He knew that sex wouldn't solve the problem anymore, it would only make it worse because of emotional attachment, but still he couldn't help wanting it so badly.

Moaning loudly, he kissed back and met all the motions, orgasm getting closer and the fact that it was Hyungwon fueled it more than it should have.

“I'm close,” he whispered and sunk his teeth into the other man's soft neck, golden color looking stunning under the minimal light. Hyungwon moaned softly and rolled his hips with more intensity, increasing the slide and lightly scratching over his back. It felt like those fingers were everywhere, on his chest, stomach, back, shoulders.

“Just let go,” Hyungwon breathed into his ear as his tongue followed the outline.

Hoseok held his breath and curled his hands around Hyungwon's hips, rolling him over his erection and orgasming with a loud groan. His breaths were still rough when he realized that he had covered Hyungwon's ass with his release.

“I'm sorry, let me clean you up,” he murmured, getting the wet tissues out of the drawer and wiping away the remnants of his orgasm. “I can't believe I came from you sitting on top of me.”

“Me neither,” the beautiful man replied with a chuckle and lifted his slim hips to help him, hands still stroking over his hair and shoulders. “But I don't mind, you're gorgeous when you orgasm.”

“I once spent a few hours taking pictures of an opening flower bud before I settled on humans. I think that's the closest it gets to your expression when you come. I'll show them to you someday.” Hoseok laughed and threw the tissues to the side, curling his fingers around the firm, golden thighs. “Ignore my weirdness.”

“I like it to be honest.” Giggling softly, Hyungwon brushed his long fingers through his hair, arranging it differently and smiling at the outcome. “I’d love to see them.”

The black-haired man slipped to the side and lay down next to him, still smiling and stroking over his face. Hyungwon was beautiful, genuine and affectionate.

“What motivated you to photograph humans? They are assholes.”

“The few that are not did. You know the picture that made me famous. It's Amelie in front of the Eiffel tower. You can't see her face as she was looking up, because I told her that I would like to be a bird. She turned back around and told me that it's nice to be a human because like this we could be together.” Hoseok smiled at his memory and sighed. “She is right. I do like humans, but not all of them. I like it if I can look behind the shell, if there is something to look at, that is. Sometimes it's loneliness, sometimes it's pain, and sometimes it's… something as breathtaking as you.”

_Why would you say that?_

Hyungwon met his gaze, lips trembling as the black-haired man observed him. He looked emotional, inhaling softly and holding the air in his lungs. It was the same expression he had recurring in his mind, the same vulnerability and emotion. There was so much disbelief in those big eyes, as if it was impossible to value the core that Hyungwon allowed him to see.

“Kiss me,” those plump lips whispered as the younger man leaned in, breath hitched from emotions. “Please.”

There was nothing that he wanted more. Their lips finally connected, sending pleasant electric impulses through his body, making his chest open up and constrict right after, fingers holding onto the warm skin. Hoseok knew how precious it was, how meaningful. He knew that this moment harbored way more than any words could've described, that it painted everything around them in gorgeous colors, making them breath it, feel it, embrace it. He didn't need the handsome man next to him to explain anything. Hoseok knew and he understood all of it.

_He makes you want to be a bird so badly._

_

His head hurt a little and it might have been because he had said all those unnecessary things to the black-haired model that came over because his daughter was too nice and empathetic for her own good.

_If someone knew what kind of thoughts you had when you wake up. You were also drunk yesterday, weren’t you?_

He opened one eye and glanced around, trying hard to not move his limbs, to be sure that he wouldn’t wake up his guest that stayed overnight.

_You had him stay overnight. You are fucking crazy, Hoseok. No drinking justifies letting a random person stay in your home, in your bed. He even dry-rode you. Fuck._

The amount of adrenaline in his blood increased and he blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the bright light. He needed to return everything to the way it was before. Cold, empty bed, silence and loneliness.

_Just like it’s supposed to be._

Sucking in a breath, he immediately recognized Hyungwon’s intoxicating scent. After looking down on himself, he saw nothing. Somehow, this time the adrenaline rush was harder than before.

_Are you this desperate?_

A glance to the side was enough to spot the black-haired man. He was sleeping, wrapped around the blanket with his long, skinny limbs, golden skin contrasting with the white of his cotton sheets. Hyungwon’s thick lips were slightly parted and his expression looked so incredibly peaceful that he shifted forward to look closer.

_Didn’t you want to return everything to the way it had been before? You have two hours until Kihyun will bring her home._

There was a brief but intense feeling of guilt, but he comforted himself with the thought that he would only look for a little bit. Only briefly.

Crawling closer, Hoseok lay on his side and watched the air escape the round nose, skin glistening a little bit after the long night. The mole in the middle of Hyungwon’s bottom lip was beautiful and he wanted to touch it, to kiss it, feel how the plump muscle gave in under his touch. Not being able to resist, he leaned forward and kissed the pretty spot.

Hyungwon was stunning in more than one way, he still could remember how the other man looked while coming, how gorgeously his body moved, how he exhaled and shook in his hold. Shit. How was he supposed to return everything to the way it was before if he changed?

_It’s not him. It’s you._

Hoseok swallowed the dread that spread inside him at the conclusion, fingers reaching out to stroke over the black hair carefully. It wasn’t Hyungwon’s fault. Hyungwon was only there because his gaze fascinated him, his penetrative way of seeing something people didn’t want to show. While being obsessed with the core, the raw emotions, the strong and impressive vulnerability that the other man was able to show him, Hoseok had moved closer and closer, leaving no space between them and still was greedy to see more. He was wrong, getting sexual didn’t make it stop. At this point he didn’t know what would.

_He should not be around you._

Biting down on his lip, Hoseok leaned forward again, connecting their lips and exhaling sharply against the golden skin.

Hyungwon jerked in surprise, but relaxed right after, arms lazily wrapping around his neck and pulling him closer. Turning his head to the side, the black-haired man chuckled.

“Good morning, but I'll spare you my morning breath.”

Hoseok didn’t want to be spared, he wanted to get everything he could during those minutes they still had.

“I don’t care,” he whispered and reached for the handsome face, stroking Hyungwon’s puffy cheek, his nose and finally lips, smiling at how pretty the sight was. There was no makeup, no pretense, just the black-haired beauty, completely naked in his bed, in front of his gaze.

“But-” Hyungwon began only to silence himself as soon as his eyes met Hoseok's. The younger man smiled back, lips spreading wide and lifting up his cheeks. It was genuine and lit up the soft features like a spotlight.

“Can I have it for myself?” he asked and pointed at the other man’s mouth. “This smile?”

“How?” Hyungwon asked with a chuckle. “You'll have to be around to see it.” Something changed in the beautiful man's eyes but the smile stayed.

“I’m a photographer, I steal the things I like and keep them for myself while not surrounding myself with anybody.” Sighing, he fought the reflex to stand up and walk away, busy himself with something to not think about his own words. He remembered Sarah telling him that he only stole things and never gave anything back. She was probably right about that. “Did you sleep well?” Hoseok asked instead, fingers sliding over Hyungwon’s neck like a feather.

“Tell me one thing, Hoseok. Is that enough for you? Having it locked away on a shelf?” Hyungwon's expression was serious, eyes watching him while his body shifted closer towards him, enough to have their chests meet. The younger man's motions were careful but he obviously yearned to be close.

_He is trying to dig deeper because you keep getting weak._

“Why is it relevant? I obviously don’t need more to stay alive, I’m fine. It’s not important whether I want more. People want a lot of things.” Shifting briefly, Hoseok leaned forward, covering Hyungwon’s lips with his in a deep kiss, before leaning back and focusing his gaze on the small, gorgeous face. “Seeing your smile every day would only remind me of the things I can’t have. Seeing it in a picture doesn’t make me as weak as seeing you does.”

“I still think you're making the choice to be unhappy. it's not necessary,” Hyungwon replied, lips staying parted after the kiss. “But who am I to tell you how to live happily.”

A bitter chuckle left the plump mouth as the coffee-colored eyes fixated on the wall, as if looking at Hoseok would have revealed too much. Hyungwon didn't escape his embrace, rather the opposite as Hoseok felt long legs entangling with his.

_He doesn’t like it. Of course, he doesn’t._

“Would you like to shower with me?” he asked, furiously calculating the time and determining that it would be enough for a shower and breakfast until he had to go back to single-dad Hoseok.

Hyungwon turned back to him, examining him carefully, and gaze travelling from his lips to his eyes.

“And what happens after the shower? After you possibly convince me to eat more than I should because you make me weak?” the black-haired man whispered quietly, fingers stroking over Hoseok's chest and collarbones.

He tried to simulate what would happen after Hyungwon left, after he stayed alone in his apartment, threw away the children’s toothbrush, cleaned up and made food for his daughter. Hoseok imagined what would happen after the night was so far away that he started doubting that it had happened at all. His thoughts were messy and the younger man might have realized it while watching him intently.

“After? I will miss you,” he said, biting down on his lip and unsure what to do with all the emotions that threatened to spill from his lips. Shit.

Shifting, Hoseok jumped up and stared at the wall that was covered in different pictures, trying to calm down his breathing, the constricting feeling inside his chest, the reality that didn’t fit to what he yearned for.

“I'll miss you too,” the low voice replied behind him as he heard the mattress shift and slim arms wrapped around his waist and a warm body pressed to his. “But must we miss each other?”

“You can try not to, but I guess I will have to miss you.” His voice was quiet in the silent room while he placed both palms on top of Hyungwon’s hands that covered his stomach. “I’ll be happy if I can see you around, having the opportunity to look at you is already more than I can wish for,” he whispered and sucked in a long desperate breath. He hated the lie and he hated the truth that was hidden behind it.

“Let's go shower,” Hyungwon murmured and circled his wrist with his fingers, pulling him along to the bathroom. There was a hint of a smile on the black-haired man's face as he grabbed the blue toothbrush and added toothpaste. “You won't keep it, will you?”

He shook his head, watching how Hyungwon brushed his teeth. Why did he have to be so painfully aware of every single action, every single movement? He wanted to be blissfully gone, lost in space and time, instead of watching the person that mattered to him dance along to the seconds that ticked towards their goodbye. Hoseok watched the beautiful black-haired man through the mirror, stroking over his face and neck with his gaze, tongue wetting his lips.

Hyungwon spat into the sink and chuckled, wiping his mouth with the pink hand towel.

“What is this tragedy?” the younger man muttered and stepped aside once both of them were done, opening the shower door.

“I don't know,” he whispered and followed, opening the tap and waiting until the water was hot enough. He hadn't showered with anyone ever, so he had no idea what he was supposed to do. His shower was gigantic though, so he left enough space between them, before squeezing some shampoo on his palm.

Hyungwon laughed softly before entering his personal space and taking the shampoo from his palm. Smiling, the black-haired man created foam between his hands and applied it to Hoseok's hair, massaging his scalp and neck in the process.

“You said ‘with you’, not ‘next to you’, right?” the younger man asked with a grin and kissed his lips briefly.

“I have no idea, it's my first time. You can be my teacher,” Hoseok commented and smiled, watching Hyungwon's face as he shampooed his hair. It was so affectionate.

“Your first? You've been missing out.” Hyungwon grinned and played with his hair, splitting it in the middle and creating two spikes at the sides. It must have looked ridiculous because the black-haired man laughed loudly, one arm wrapping around his slim waist.

“Are you making fun of me? How old are you even?” Hoseok suddenly realised that he knew absolutely nothing about the other man apart from his last name and his love for wine.

_And you let him near Amelie, you've lost your fucking mind._

“Twenty-five, golden model age before one gets too old and wrinkly.” The younger man winked and pulled at his hair to tilt his head back, carefully washing out the shampoo. Next, Hyungwon grabbed the shower gel and foamed it between his palms before applying it to Hoseok's shoulders and chest, rubbing over it with delicate motions. “Shouldn't you be an expert in romantic showering? It's domestic and all.”

“Sarah wasn't a romantic person. Remember when you talked about accidental pregnancies? That.” He stared at the tiles, skin tingling from the touches, but memories creating emotions that didn't fit to his current situation.

“Oh,” Hyungwon gasped but didn't continue. The model bridged the awkwardness by sinking to the cold tiles and running his hands over Hoseok's muscular thighs, thoroughly applying the fruity smelling foam. “I also lied about being an expert. I've done it before, but mostly with my sister when we were little. Showering makes you kind of vulnerable because it's easy to look like shit, so I preferred not to show anybody.”

“Thank you for showing me. You are beautiful.” Hoseok returned his gaze and observed the other man's facial expressions for a few seconds before pulling him up and kissing him.

“I keep thinking you're the only one who thinks that once I remove the shell,” Hyungwon replied quietly, barely beating the sound of running water and wrapped his arms around his neck, kissing back intently. “But I also like what's behind yours, even if it's difficult to see.”

He didn't know why he wanted to make it clear, but after not sleeping with the black-haired man, Hoseok thought that he needed to explain his attraction.

“I don't really care about your shell. It's pretty, but it doesn't mean much to me. I can have it on one of my business trips. What I am most attracted to is what you show me if you're authentic, genuine. Funnily enough, it is also, what gets me going sexually. It's not your pretty smooth skin; it's what’s behind it.”

“I could feel it whenever I gave you a preview purposefully or got emotional,” Hyungwon murmured and rubbed his round nose over his neck, embracing him while warm water covered them. “I told you before; you're the only one who doesn't expect me to carelessly accept him inside my body. It- well,” the black-haired man chuckled, “makes me want it more.”

_He wants it more._

“Why would you want it?” he asked, taking some shower gel and sliding his careful fingers down Hyungwon's slim arms, his sides, his hip bones.

The other man trembled in surprise, but caught himself, chewing on his bottom lip.

“I feel like a reversed dog on a haystack. Instead of wanting what somebody else has I end up wanting something from the one person that isn't willing to give it.”

“We've survived well until now, haven't we? Apart from a few glitches in the matrix. Like when I pulled you into the prep room or the time I threw that filthy dude against the wall after he touched you, your visit yesterday… or now.” It wasn't a few glitches, it was development. He brushed over the small nipples in an unnecessary gesture, mostly to distract from his words.

Curling his arms around the slim waist, he foamed Hyungwon's back, tracing the curve of his spine and his perky little butt.

Hyungwon gasped right into his face, not expecting the sudden caress, showing a mixture of surprise and hurt at his words, wide eyes meeting his.

“Glitches you say,” the black-haired man whispered but didn't elaborate, using Hoseok's hands to apply foam to his long arms and slim torso.

“Mhm,” he hummed while sinking down and stroking over the other man's firm thighs and slim calves. “You have your wine and I have my occasional business trips. There shouldn't be a lot of triggers.”

Anger suddenly occupied Hyungwon's gorgeous face, eyebrow narrowing and lips trembling.

“Stop lying to yourself, Hoseok. I'm friends with your daughter, I treasure her and I ended up treasuring you too, more than you're willing to bear.” The black-haired man swallowed quickly, but stood still to make it easier for him to continue. There was frustration, but Hyungwon still responded to the touch of his hands, glancing at the ceiling to calm himself.

_He is angry, but it won't change the truth that there's nothing else you can do besides continuing with how you lived before._

“I don't see the problem with lying to myself. I will do that if it helps me survive.”

_Just like you tell yourself that it isn't your fault that Amelie doesn't see her mom._

Licking over his lips briefly, he rose to his feet and took the shampoo, reaching up and shampooing Hyungwon's black hair. It felt nice, but he needed to hurry up.

“Let's finish up, I still wanted to make you coffee.”

“Of course, before the time runs out,” the black-haired man replied with an empty smile, but helped him, washing off the shampoo himself and turning off the water. Hyungwon didn't speak as he grabbed a random towel, one with a hood that surprised the younger man at first, but he dried himself off quickly, including his hair.

_It's Choux’s. You will have to wash that._

He didn't comment on it and slipped into a black bathrobe, leaving the room to give the other man space to get dressed in peace.

_He might hate you, but it's probably better like this._

Arriving in the kitchen, he turned on the machine and waited until it was ready, placing a black cup under it and pressing the button. A glance at the clock on the wall gave him another boundary.

_Forty minutes._

Hyungwon only entered the kitchen halfway, leaning against the door frame with crossed arms, observing him carefully. The younger man had already blow-dried his hair and picked a shirt from Hoseok's wardrobe instead of wearing the one he had come in. A tight blue one, that looked loose on Hyungwon’s thin frame.

“How much time do I have, Officer?”

Hoseok would have said something sharp or sarcastic, but he felt too devastated for that, so he replied truthfully, before placing the cup on the dinner table and making a coffee for himself in the meantime.

“Nice shirt.”

“Too bad that we already know what I think about forty minutes,” Hyungwon replied with a smile and pulled at the blue fabric at his collar, revealing his golden collarbone. “I like the shirt too.”

Hoseok took his time, sipping on his coffee, before putting the black cup on the counter and stepping forward. He paid attention to how he placed one foot in front of another, before he reached his destination.

“What will you think about? Leaving?”

“My next photoshoot,” Hyungwon replied, lying right in his face, features unreadable. A few seconds passed until the younger man sighed and brushed through his hair. “But you know that's a lie. You want the truth? I will think about how I will at least have this shirt if you decide to pretend that you don't have a phone. I'll also think that there will always be something of mine in your house, attached to your daughter’s wrist.”

_The bracelet she has. It was a present from him._

“I see. I almost suggested making you forget about everything for half an hour.” Hoseok chuckled bitterly and turned back around, walking towards his cup and grabbing it with both palms, feeling the warmth transfer into his skin.

“And why don't you?” Hyungwon asked, voice suddenly changing, less restrained, as if the model knew exactly what he did by opening up like that in a matter of seconds instead of hiding his emotions.

“Because I don't want to do anything you don't like. We can drink coffee. I'm fine.” His lying game was shit when Hyungwon made him weak like this, it was almost manipulative, but it was still him. The beautiful model was like this and Hoseok loved it.

Swallowing, he took another sip before putting the cup back and curling his hands around the surface of the kitchen counter.

“Come here or leave,” he whispered, chest constricting.

“This is exactly what gets me,” the low voice replied as Hyungwon crossed the distance and stepped into his personal space, one arm wrapping around his waist while the other cupped his jaw and lifted his head up.

“Kiss me,” Hoseok breathed out, not moving a single inch.

There was no hesitation as Hyungwon clashed their lips together roughly, pulling him in and nibbling on his bottom lip, breaths rough and desperate. All composure that the model had possessed a moment ago, disappeared into nothing, making way for urgency and fingers that struggled to touch more of him.

His insides were burning, just like his skin, his lungs, his lips; everything was set on fire by the hot mouth against his. Hoseok wrapped his arms around the slim hips and increased the points of contact, licking into the other man's delicious mouth and moaning softly at how much he wanted it, how nice it felt, how much intensity every single touch possessed. His fingers slipped under the blue shirt and he stroked over every spot of Hyungwon's skin that he could find, rubbing over his nipples and letting his fingertips dance over his smooth sides.

There was so much urgency in every motion of Hyungwon's body, the hands that pulled at his clothes, scratched over his arms and back in an attempt to have more of him. The hot tongue met his, luring him inside and moaning right into the kiss. Hyungwon didn't bother to hide the sounds. He was losing his mind just like the belt on his bathrobe loosened and revealed his naked body.

He unbuttoned the blue shirt quickly, lips immediately attaching to the small nipples, sucking on them roughly while his hands made sure to stay gentle while caressing Hyungwon's smooth skin.

The stunning man moaned loudly, throwing his head back and buried his nails in Hoseok's shoulders as he turned them around and pulled his slim body up on the counter. Hot lips immediately met in a kiss again as Hyungwon's long legs wrapped around his body, keeping him close.

“You drive me mad,” the low voice hissed as Hyungwon threw his head back.

“I am definitely insane,” he muttered in reply, skilled fingers opening the button of Hyungwon's jeans. “Will you let me take you into my mouth, or let me kiss you while I touch you?” Hoseok asked, lips placing tender kisses on the other man's golden neck, easily accessible due to Hyungwon's position.

“I want your lips on mine.” The younger man's eyes fluttered shut as his fingers firmly attached to Hoseok's shoulders, leaving marks. “Touch me, Hoseok.”

_You want the same things._

It didn't matter for his reality, but his emotions and his body didn't share his opinion, getting closer and closer with every step, unable to turn back.

A loud gasp left his mouth as his lips attached to the plump ones like a magnet, unwilling to ever taste anything else, hands unwilling to touch anything but the smooth, golden skin and eyes unwilling to look at anybody else but him.

***

Hyungwon had never experienced such a variety of emotions in such a short time. He felt vulnerable showing himself the way he was, thankful to be accepted, hurt that the feeling was limited in time, not something he could treasure and keep for himself. Hyungwon was angry that Hoseok's choices were the reason for the limit, the wall that the older man had built between his private life and him.

Only as a wrecking ball, he had the ability to have a brief glimpse of Hoseok's vulnerability before the wall returned to its full height, impenetrable and impossible to rip to shreds.

He knew that it was fruitless, but he still tried, with reasoning, with sarcasm, with anger. There was no point because Hoseok had decided for himself, even if he hated his own decision. The pain was not only Hyungwon's, numbing both of them with each additional meter that they allowed between them. Both of them knew it, hated it, suffered from it, but Hoseok was the one who accepted it without a second of doubt.

Hyungwon didn't want much, no vows and no heartfelt confessions. He only wanted the older man's company, those black eyes that saw his core and treasured it like diamonds. He wanted to be part of Hoseok's life, a presence that remained instead of fleeing from the scene like his business trip encounters. It wasn't the same and both of them knew it.

When he leaned against the kitchen door, arms crossed and frustration visible, he hadn't known what else to do, how to act knowing it was meant to end, that there were forty minutes before Hoseok would force him out of his life just like that.

Desperation was what made him open up, the knowledge that his core was what had given him the black-haired man in the first place. It worked, revealing Hoseok's desperation to be close and fear of separation. Hyungwon had instantly closed the distance, clashed their lips together as they removed the superficial layers of clothing between them and connected through the heated kisses they shared, unwilling to part.

Hyungwon had never been as aware and at the same time dizzy from raw emotions as he had at that moment, moaning from the pleasure that Hoseok's hand created between his legs and dying to have his lips attached to the older man's. They shared kisses, touches, and closeness. They showed each other what Hyungwon hadn't dared to show anybody else.

One might have thought that it was a dream, the heavy breaths that echoed through the kitchen once both of them had released themselves, gasping from pleasure. But in dreams people woke up in the end, returning to neutral emotions and the knowledge that nothing had really happened apart from an adventure of the mind.

However, there was no such thing, because the aftermath remained. The remnants of arousal, the heaviness in his lips as he pulled his clothes over his naked body, the stabbing in his chest that he attempted to ignore. In a dream, he would have woken up, but in reality he had returned to his senses and was forced to leave.

It was typical of them to forget about their worries by connecting their lips, pretending that their twosomeness was forever, only to rip it apart through the passing of seconds. Hyungwon didn't say a single word as he glanced towards the partially eaten cake on the living room table and the blue flowers they had left there. Hoseok was silent too, watching him put on his shoes and prepare to leave. He hated goodbyes that were forced on him and he hated it when he couldn't understand the reason, so he simply opened the apartment door and went outside, closing it behind him. The sound echoed through the stairway as he hurried down and his nose inhaled the scent of Hoseok's fabric softener, stemming from the blue shirt on his chest.

Hyungwon wasn't a person who allowed anybody to step on him because of a decision. He couldn't stop meeting Hoseok, even if the older man wanted him to.

_Make sure to compose yourself before meeting her. She can see it._

Just when he was about to run down the last flight of stairs, his eyes fell on big blue ones that widened in surprise upon seeing him. Amelie was standing at the bottom of the stairs, holding onto Kihyun's hand and preparing to jump up two stairs at once.

“Hyungwon!! You didn't lie! You really stayed with dad!” The girl jumped up under Kihyun's unreadable gaze and curled her arms around him. “He even gave you his shirt! Thank you so much for coming, I was worried because you didn't answer my messages.”

“I-” Hyungwon didn't know what to say, arms carefully wrapping around the little girl and lifting her up. “I didn't look at my beeper, I'm sorry. I should have, after all that's the best part of my morning. How was your night?”

He managed to pull his wits from the depths of his despair and plastered a smile on his face, unsure how to act with the little girl in his arms. He couldn't say the truth, not after Hoseok had told him a hundred times that their encounters were limited.

_You like to be in control, but not by using the one person, that matters to him the most._

“Kihyun wore the unicorn pajamas and we played fairytale, it was amazing.” Amelie laughed and stroked over his arm.

“Should we go up? Your dad is probably waiting for you,” Kihyun muttered and patted the girls head.

“Yeah, he is. He missed you a lot.” Hyungwon lowered Amelie back to the stairs and met Kihyun's gaze briefly, unsure how attentive the photographer was.

“I'll be on my way then, it was nice to see you too, Kihyun. I'll text you, Amelie.” Placing a kiss on the soft cheek, he glanced at the bracelet one last time and left the building. He doubted that he could keep his composure for much longer. His chest burned, but he doubted that it was the effort, for that the pain wasn't superficial enough. Hyungwon really wished it was.

_Running away won't make it better._

Chewing on his lips, he remembered the lack of makeup on his face and the casual attire, so unlike himself. His fingers automatically dialed the number of his driver as he leaned against a streetlamp and fought to return his usual composure. His core was only for Hoseok to see. The black-haired man was the only one who appreciated it.

_But he doesn't want to see it, you should just bury it somewhere._

It was a lie, but thinking that Hoseok didn't want to was easier than knowing that he did, but decided not to. That hurt more.

Once the familiar black car turned around the corner, Hyungwon had conjured a static expression on his face, prepared to lie if necessary.

But there was no need as his driver glanced at him through his mirror briefly and returned his attention to the road, not saying a single word.

For the first time, Hyungwon wished that he had.

_

“How’s this?” his sister's playful voice sounded next to his bedroom door, accompanied by the sound of a heel sliding over the wooden boards.

Hyungwon turned away from his half-filled suitcase, mostly occupied by skin care products and a few outfits of his own. He was going to wear sponsored stuff the majority of the time, so there was no point in taking a lot. Sighing, he gifted his sister his attention for the third time in thirty minutes. What exactly the outfit was for was a mystery, as she hadn't told him yet, only that it was fancy and it was important that he liked it. Currently the slim woman was wearing a mostly transparent dress, stuck to her skin and covered in pearls at the bits that needed coverage. It was too revealing for his taste, not leaving enough room for imagination, but his sister enjoyed impressing with her body.

_Because she can, it's gorgeous._

“No,” he commented simply as his eyes fell on the additional cut at the side, showing off her golden, long legs. It was definitely too much, no matter where she was going.

“They only sent me four dresses, you can't just say ‘no’ to three of them. If you don't like the last one I don't have anything to wear.” Frowning, long fingers reached for the dress and lifted it up a little in distaste. “But it also doesn't feel nice against my skin, don't want to have irritations.”

“Who are ‘they’?” He lifted an eyebrow as his suspicions rose the longer he stared at the dress and guessed the approximate price.

“Your management. After all, I'm accompanying you to London for the fashion show.” A kiss was blown his way before the gorgeous woman turned around and strutted out of the room, not keeping the form, as she should have.

_That's why she doesn't model, it's about effect not form for her._

“You're what?” Hyungwon yelled after her, but wasn't really surprised. The fashion show had been a last minute plan and for the red carpet, company was preferred. Of course, his sister had jumped at the offer without discussing it with him.

_You would have preferred to go with him._

Chewing on his lips, he entered the living room, observing his sister peel the transparent fabric off her skin, leaving her in underwear only, perfectly white and decorated with lace.

“You're always prepared, aren't you?” he commented and sat down on the edge of the couch. After almost two months with his older sister around he had gotten used to her constant presence and big eyes, watching him and commenting on things he didn't want to talk about.

“You're hoping to meet your photographer ‘friend’ there, aren't you? The one with the family that you'll never be a part of.” The red mouth mocked him with a grin until concern took over. “I hope not, because it'll only make you miserable. You're great on your own, rich and beautiful.”

“Rich and beautiful,” he repeated and suddenly wanted to drink a glass of wine, but he had to pay attention to his sugar intake again and wine was only for desperate days.

_You have been desperate recently._

She was right, Hyungwon had seen Hoseok on the list of photographers and couldn't give up, not that easily. He hadn't tried to call and neither had Hoseok, but that wasn't surprising. Their goodbye hadn't been the happiest one, they never separated on good terms. Amelie was the only one he talked to, writing every day and exchanging how their days went, how they felt and how much they wanted to meet again. Hyungwon hadn't dared to invite the little girl again, worried about his reaction to her dad, especially after what had happened on Hoseok's birthday.

“Since when do you show so much on your face? It doesn't suit you.” Lips pursed, his sister turned around and gestured for him to close the zipper of the last dress. It was more befitting of Hyungwon's taste, beginning with a long and wide white silk skirt that fell in smooth waves and seamlessly transitioned into a black upper part, low on the shoulders and decorated with a few white pearls and silver at the décolleté. It looked refined and elegant, perfect for the occasion. It also didn't look like her.

“I like the dress,” he answered, ignoring the question and focusing on the task, pulling up the zipper and hoping that apart from the fashion show his sister was going to look for her own contacts instead of observing him.

_She is good at finding her own contacts._

“Why do you want to come?” Adjusting the right sleeve to make sure it wasn't too low on her shoulder, he turned her around and met her big eyes. It was the features, along with the form of her face, that showed the most that they were siblings. The older woman was also relatively tall with long legs and particularly slim. That was what made the size of her breasts suspicious.

_No one would believe you if you had a prominent ass either._

“I want to see more of your life and I can wear a gorgeous dress that's not mine. Of course, I want to come along. I can be all proud of you and how gorgeous you'll look on the runway. Maybe I'll also find somebody who will finance my expensive lifestyle.” His sister laughed loudly and fixed her hair, eyes focused on the mirror. “Maybe I can also stop you from ditching all the usual effort you put into your appearance. That dad is a bad influence on your looks, trust me.”

_Because he likes you barefaced._

“Whatever you say,” he murmured and considered leaving the beautiful woman at the airport without her realizing. He couldn't though, not back then when he struggled with her and his own stubbornness and not now. The two of them were like two clashing titans, causing sparks to fly but not giving in.

_Just hope they won't meet._

Hyungwon really didn't have the strength and emotional stability to keep his sister away from Hoseok and the curiosity that was immediately going to develop as soon as she figured out their relationship.

_She'll tell him everything she thinks about him and you really don't need that._

_

There were only four times in his life that Hyungwon had to admit to breaking his diet and not following goals he had set for himself. The first time had been when Amelie bought him a Choux and asked him to eat it. The second time had been dinner at Hoseok's place, followed by eating a mass of Choux with the older man and finishing with the glass of red wine in his hand that he had promised not to drink until the end of the show.

_That worked well._

Travelling with his sister was tiring, the constant comments about his appearance, and concerns about her makeup and whether something was off. The questions repeated endlessly and were only interrupted by questions Hyungwon didn't want to answer.

_Because they are about him._

Had the older woman visited him a few months ago, nothing would have happened apart from his preference to hide away and not leave the house unless he was in full makeup and felt stunning. Hyungwon knew he was stunning, but he had also not wanted to show anybody unless he was paid for it in front of a camera. His sister has never been able to understand that.

“You should be pleased, we're doing all of them a favor by giving them something to look at while we sit here.” Grinning, the black-haired woman brushed through her long strands and fixed the strap of her bra that had slipped down her shoulder. She was wearing a tight black dress, showing off her body and perfect shape. Hyungwon knew that he looked amazing, but sometimes he felt a little envious of the way his sister didn't have to be too concerned about what she ate as long as she kept working out.

“But I don't see a point in being stared at unless I have a goal. Their stares don't give me anything,” he replied and took another guilty sip of his wine. The hotel was a good one and had a great collection of French wine, so he was elated to know he could break his diet with good wine.

“You're a noob; you need to keep people around in case you need something. I thought I told you before, that's how you got into this business. When you're pretty, people want simple things while you can ask for the complicated ones.” His sister winked and took a sip of her sex on the beach cocktail. Hyungwon was sure that she had only ordered it to see the bright blush on the waiter’s face when she pronounced the name.

_She is sneaky, you learned it from her._

“I'm too lazy to invest all that effort unless I want something,” he muttered as he remembered the day he met Hoseok in Madrid, wanting the suite without having to sleep with the black-haired man.

_That didn't work too well._

He smiled at the memory and all of his revenge attacks that led to fascination with the older man because he had given up so easily instead of begging Hyungwon to let him touch him. It felt like centuries had passed.

“You just don't know how to make sex quick and effective.” Lifting an eyebrow, his sister chuckled. “But you're a guy, it's all a little more complicated I guess.”

“I hate being touched.”

Hyungwon didn't know why he decided to tell her now out of all other possible moments, but it was too late already. His sister wouldn't be able to understand why he differentiated his shell and the core, those two things weren't even coexisting for her.

“You what? Nobody hates being touched, Hyungwon. Unless it feels like shit, I guess, but otherwise I don't know what you mean. Against your will?”

He nodded, sighing right after and attempting to swallow his thoughts down with his wine. Talks about the things he didn't like reminded him of Hoseok, because the older man was the only exception. Hoseok only wanted to touch him if it was his core, he didn't care about touching the shell.

“But that's not you then. If somebody touches you then that's just your body. You don't have to give them anything else, so it seems pretty meaningless to me.” Shrugging, she brushed through her hair and looked around.

_She understands._

Hyungwon coughed briefly in surprise, not expecting his sister to separate herself from her body to that degree. He understood the separation, but he was disgusted by it. He was disgusted by the thought of his shell being touched without any inherent meaning, like an object, a body without a soul.

“But I hate the thought of giving the body without giving the soul,” he muttered and glanced at the way his fingers curled around his glass, stroking over the cold surface.

“Never thought of you as a romantic,” his sister replied and chuckled before looking around the pretty bar. “Let me show you what creating beneficial contacts really means. How do you think I survived in this world?”

Blowing him a kiss, his gorgeous sister stood up and made her way to the bar counter, occupied by a lone man who just had his drink served. It looked suspiciously like strawberry gin. From his spot he could only see the broad, silk-covered back, nice ass in tight jeans and black hair.

“Shit,” Hyungwon whispered to himself even though there was nobody listening. He needed someone to tell him that watching his sister seduce a man he kind of had the hots for wasn't as bad as he thought.

It was obviously Hoseok, the posture, thick thighs probably spread for comfort, the broadness and choice of clothes, the drink. All of it screamed Hoseok and Hyungwon really wanted to scream it too, if only to stop his sister from talking to the older man.

Hyungwon felt giddy watching the way she sat down across from the photographer and smiled, looking almost exactly like him because of the shape of her lips. It was stupid, but the similarity caused a sudden spark of anger in his chest, as if his body was convinced that he should have been the one walking over there and sitting down next to the older man.

_Because that is what you came for._

Everything was perfect, her gestures, the nonchalance and authenticity that she displayed but that wasn't really there. Hyungwon had learned to lie that way, taught first hand making sure to answer correctly instead of truthfully. It was necessary in the business because nobody cared about real feelings, only about fulfilling a certain purpose.

_What if he falls for it?_

The sensation of dread was immediate, dripping down to his stomach as if it had never disappeared since the day he left Hoseok's apartment. His breaths sped up and his knuckles turned white as they held onto his glass, grip painful, even to himself.

His sister smiled once more and leaned in, doing something that he couldn't see and his hands acted on their own as a loud crack sounded in his ears and the wine glass shattered into tiny little pieces that covered the table and his lap, sharp pain burning the skin of his palm.

Hyungwon stared at his hand and the remains of his glass, breathing heavily and disbelieving that he had broken a glass because of seeing his sister with someone he liked.

_It is not about her._

It wasn't, because the burning in his chest and the liquid that dripped down his palm didn't disappear when his gorgeous sister leaned back and met his eyes, shock apparent.

_It doesn't matter who it is, you'd have reacted the same way._


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Hoseok had spent the past few weeks trying to put all memories into one space in his head, unavailable and closed up, in addition to making up reasons to push off Choux visiting her ‘friend’ Hyungwon. It went well apart from the fact that he had pictures.

_There wasn’t a day that you didn’t look at them._

He didn’t disappear. The strong image accompanied him, sometimes sharp as if alive and reaching out to curl it’s long fingers around his arm, at other times blurry because he got emotional, trying to imagine the other man in front of himself when he sat alone on his couch after Choux was fast asleep. The whole thing hurt more than he could ever imagine. The impact didn’t compare with anything he had ever experienced before, but ‘time heals all wounds’, doesn’t it?

_It doesn’t and you know it all too well._

The business trip to London was his only way to let go, to finally be able to deal with his feelings without being watched by his young daughter who was attentive beyond belief and understood more than one might have thought. Hoseok constantly tried to spare her the suffering, the apparent changes in his facial expressions when she talked about Hyungwon, the pictures that she once saw him take out, disappearing quickly, as if she had witnessed something prohibited.

Sighing at the unpleasant memory, he nodded at the bartender who placed the strawberry gin in front of him and lifted the glass, inhaling the fresh scent. He wanted to be alone, but apparently, business trips entailed being bothered by people, so a woman joined him. There wasn’t anything particularly appealing about her, besides the big eyes and the shape of her small face that was enough to trigger some kind of weird emotional response Hoseok was feeling especially confused about.

_Are you going crazy now?_

He couldn’t answer the question without thinking too much, so he stared instead, gaze intense and tried to remember or make an association to something he had seen before, something that mattered enough to make him sad.

A sudden sharp sound entered his ears and he watched the woman’s gaze that settled on the tall figure a few meters away. The outline of the broad shoulders and how the big eyes caught him in their merciless grip forced goosebumps onto his skin, intense feeling mixing with the adrenaline, the sadness, the longing and the dread. Only after observing the breathtakingly beautiful face, he saw red liquid dripping down the long fingers, coating the glass shards that lay on the table.

_He is bleeding._

Pushing the chair aside, he turned to the bartender, before spotting the white cloth hanging over his shoulder. Hoseok wasn’t someone to climb over bar counters, but here he was, placing one knee next to his gin and grabbing the fabric. As soon as he held it in his hand, he nodded to ask for understanding.

Nothing really mattered around him, as he jumped down and ran over, kneeling and wrapping the white cloth around Hyungwon’s big hand, trying to determine whether there were more cuts.

“Press down,” he murmured and reached for the other man’s thighs, removing the glass shards and placing them on one spot on the table, gesturing for the bartender to take care of it.

Hyungwon didn't say a single word and merely stared at him and his features, focusing on his lips while he spoke and then on his eyes. The younger man didn't follow through with his request and merely held his hand in the air, staining the white cloth red.

“Shit, Hyungwon, why would you break the glass? I just-” It was the woman that had joined him before, voice low and worried. She sat down next to Hyungwon and removed the cloth from his hand to look at it, long fingers attempting to remove a few shards from the big palm. “You're so reckless.”

The model didn't reply and merely continued staring at him, as if he waited for something to happen.

_He is drunk, isn’t he?_

Hoseok glanced at the woman and took Hyungwon’s palm back, pressing the white fabric against the cuts. There was no use in watching, the bleeding needed to stop.

“Does it hurt a lot?” he asked, but still pressed hard because it was necessary while completely ignoring the female company next to him.

“You’ve done worse before,” Hyungwon replied and smiled a little, but it looked sad. “I hoped to see you here, looks like it worked.”

“Wait, don't press down before the shards are removed! What if you bury them in his skin? It will scar and he can't afford that.” Long fingers wrapped around his arm and pulled at it, attempting to make him loosen his grip on Hyungwon's hand. The woman next to Hyungwon narrowed her eyes as she stared at him. “I don't care if you know each other, don't you dare scar his hand.”

Turning around he felt the anger fill his blood and threaten to spill over. Loosening his grip, he glanced at the black-haired woman who was obviously accompanying Hyungwon.

“Then you take care of it,” he murmured and let go. Swallowing after getting back on his feet, he looked at Hyungwon one last time, before turning around and preparing to leave. Hyungwon didn't let him, recklessly reaching for his wrist with his hurt hand and pulling him back.

“Please leave us,” the younger man whispered but it wasn't directed towards him.

“You're crazy and you know it. I told you how this will end. This is him, isn't it?” The sweet tone with which the black-haired woman had talked to him disappeared in a matter of seconds and turned hostile. “If you have a family and no space in it, you should stop stepping on people's feelings without giving them anything.” Every word that left the woman's lips was soaked in venom as she stared at him, judging him without even knowing him.

“Please leave us,” Hyungwon repeated quietly, not reacting to his companion’s words.

“You're a romantic idiot,” was the angry reply before the slim woman stood up, grabbed her handbag and turned around, hurrying towards the exit of the bar with clenched fists.

“What is going on?” he asked, taking Hyungwon’s hurt hand and making sure to apply pressure. “Why would you send away your company?”

_It’s his sister._

Suddenly everything made sense, the familiar feeling he had while looking at her, and how she told him to stop stepping on Hyungwon’s feelings. Did he step on them? For that, he would have to be around, shouldn’t he?

“Well, apparently, I'm a romantic idiot. Otherwise I can't tell you what's going on.” Hyungwon chuckled and used his healthy hand to brush his bangs away from his forehead, sighing loudly. “I sent her away because she's stubborn and won't let me enjoy your company.”

“But she is right, I shouldn’t step on your feelings, so maybe I should leave,” he replied, glancing at his abandoned strawberry gin that made its way in his direction, as the bartender placed it on the table and removed the glass shards. “I had a blackout after seeing you bleed.”

“You're not stepping on my feelings. You are stepping on your own. That's something different,” Hyungwon remarked and rubbed his index finger over a drop of dark, transparent red on the table before licking over it. “Goodbye wine, we weren't meant to be apparently. I'm actually not allowed to drink any; do you think this is a sign?” A brief laugh left the black-haired man's throat.

_He is insane._

Hoseok held onto the bleeding hand and leaned down until their faces were only a few centimeters apart. Sucking in a long breath to determine how much Hyungwon drank; he widened his eyes and lifted an eyebrow.

“Are you drunk, Hyungwon?”

“No, I’ve only had this glass, but I don't need to be drunk to lose my composure apparently.” Sighing, the younger man looked at the ceiling for a few seconds before meeting his gaze again. “Do you have any plans for company while being in London? Just making sure so I can prepare in case I need to break another glass of wine. I'm not sure my hand will be able to stand anymore.”

“You broke the glass because of me? Why?” The other man’s words were so devastating, opening his freshly covered wound and making his heart drop to his stomach, fingers shaking around the big hand. “I should’ve made sure that you weren’t here. I was selfish, I’m sorry.”

“You wouldn't have found me on the list anyway. It was a last minute addition.” Hyungwon smiled and reached out to brush over his hair once, touch tender until the delicate fingers returned to his lap right after. “I came because you're here.”

“To hurt yourself?” he asked quietly, glancing at the other man’s bleeding hand. Lifting his gaze, Hoseok gave up and sat on the couch next to the gorgeous model. Hyungwon wore too much makeup for his taste and his gaze had something inherently different this time. He wondered whether it was pain. “I was planning on getting drunk and fucking as much as possible to fill my mind with something else for once,” he commented nonchalantly, but threw his head back to not look at the painfully beautiful face.

“Sounds lovely,” the low voice replied, drenched in sarcasm. “I was planning on seeing you again. I hadn't really anticipated that my sister would find you before me. Guess I got a little angry.”

_He broke the glass because his sister found you?_

“I don’t understand. But tell me more about your plans.” Hoseok lifted the hurt hand and carefully removed the fabric to see whether it was still bleeding. Thankfully the cuts weren’t deep, so it only looked bad because of the blood staining the white cloth.

“My plans didn't go very far. I guess I've reached them already.” Hyungwon laughed and let himself fall deeper into the leather seat, healthy hand covering his eyes. “Are your plans still the same after seeing me? Filling all that head space with meaningless sex and alcohol?”

“The way you say it with your low voice sounds even better to me.” Hoseok chuckled and poured the gin right into his stomach, hitting the glass against the table. “Right now my mind is confused, so there is enough space for alcohol, meaningless sex, making sure you don’t bleed and the imminent desire to lick the makeup off your face even though it shouldn’t be my fucking business.”

_Why would you say that? Is it because you aren’t home?_

“You're a different Hoseok now, aren't you? Isn't this a parallel universe for you?”

The black-haired man carefully removed his hands from his eyes, meeting his gaze and slipping a little closer, thighs touching. “You're far away from your boundaries, so I am just as good as anyone to fill that head space of yours, aren't I?”

“No. You’re a different category. Off limits,” he whispered back, gaze walking over the other man’s gorgeous features as if exploring a familiar space, tender and gentle, making sure to not hurt the soft expression.

_Still you want to lick the make-up from his face._

“I’m the same person, but with fewer inhibitions and boundaries because my daughter isn’t here to see.”

“And what would happen if she saw? What are you so scared of?” Hyungwon asked and sat up, face immediately betraying how Hoseok's gaze was able to make him feel. The full lips were parted and the younger man's pupils had taken over the brown color.

“I’m not scared. I’m a parent and I will make sure that she can grow up in peace and will enjoy a nice, botherless childhood after all the things that I...“ His breath got stuck in his lungs and he took some time to finally exhale, muscles tensing and gaze returning to the empty glass on the table. “Can we- not talk about this? It makes me want to find someone who doesn’t talk, but moans my name instead.”

“I only want to understand why you push me away.” Hyungwon reduced the distance between their bodies by placing a palm on his thigh, focused gaze meeting his own. “Are you trying to be perfect, Hoseok?”

“No, I'm trying not to hurt you, you fool,” he replied quietly, lips burning with the longing to kiss every spot on the handsome face.

“But it's not only me and you know that. Why are you hurting yourself?” Hyungwon moved even closer, warm hands stroking over his cheek and revealing the mixture of emotions that painted his features. It was hurt, some vulnerability, lack of understanding and affection, quickly transitioning from one to the other.

“Don't do this to me, dear god,” Hoseok whispered, overwhelmed and unable to do anything about the emotions Hyungwon was overwhelming him with. His hand reached for the golden cheek that was covered by makeup as his fingers tried to get enough just from the brief touch. It wasn't. It was never enough.

“I could say the same,” the gorgeous man whispered in reply. The soft exhale tickled his lips and only reminded him of the kisses they had shared, the urgency with which Hyungwon had kissed him before leaving back then.

“I have the feeling that I'm the only one trying and you're only appearing before my eyes to make me weak. You know, don't you? You know that I can't say no when you're like this.” Hoseok tried, he really did, but the gin seemed a thousand times stronger and Hyungwon's scent a thousand times more delicious and intoxicating. Leaning forward, he connected their lips for a split second, licking over Hyungwon's bottom lip and leaning back.

Fuck.

The younger man gasped and moved along with him once their lips parted again. Hyungwon looked like he couldn't resist, yearning to continue the touch. Brown eyes observed him intently, showed every single thought, the strength with which the beautiful man wanted to be kissed.

“I'm only showing you what you want to see,” Hyungwon murmured, licking over his own lips before brushing them over Hoseok's lightly. The touch was brief, but the rough exhale that followed revealed how much the younger man had desired it.

“You liar, fucking liar.” His fingers dug into the fabric of the chair while he leaned forward, catching the thick lips with his teeth, licking over them and letting out a desperate hiss as soon as he let go.

Hyungwon immediately reached out and grabbed his collar with a tight fist, pulling him into a rough kiss. The other man's hurt hand remained at the side while he attempted to keep Hoseok close throughout, licking into his mouth and moaning softly. The touches were rough and desperate, but the sounds that left the plump lips sounded vulnerable.

How could it be that they both didn't care that they were in the middle of a bar? That Hyungwon was hurt, that there were people around, that they shouldn't have done it. They shouldn't have but he didn't care and Hyungwon didn't either.

“I'm going crazy, Hyungwon, please,” he whispered, trying to put some distance between them to glance at the other man's hurt hand.

“I don't want you to meet anybody else,” the black-haired man gasped and pulled at his collar again, covering his lips with his own, plump ones. “Be with me.”

_With him._

It sounded like sweet, sweet torture. Like salvation, like a bad idea, like something he shouldn't agree on.

He leaned back, pushing Hyungwon away with as much strength as he could muster and got up, looking down at the gorgeous human that looked… hurt.

“My room number is 1015. Don't come,” he whispered and turned around, walking towards the elevator that would bring him to the tenth floor, to his room, to loneliness that he hoped wouldn't last as long as it usually did.

_Will he come?_

Hoseok knew that he shouldn't have, but he silently begged that Hyungwon wouldn't listen.

***

_Your mind must have had enough._

Hyungwon’s patience burned down like the wick of a candle, steady at first until it suddenly ended, reaching the limit and suffocating the flame. The only problem was that the flame wasn’t the one suffocating and neither was the desire that ended with the length of the wick. No, the desire only increased while he was the one suffocating.

The black-haired man with those penetrating eyes wasn’t the only one who caused him pain, Hyungwon also did it himself, breaking the wine glass out of jealousy and attempting to hide how desperate he was with the power of sarcastic remarks. All of his attempts were pathetic compared to the effect Hoseok’s gaze had on him, how the black-haired man was able to pull him in even though he denied him. The wick wasn’t necessary for that flame to burn. It blazed all on its own, through the tension between them and the oxygen they desperately pulled into their lungs.

Hyungwon was sure he had defeated the desperation and the urge by attaching himself to Hoseok and ignoring the stabbing pain in his palm. The older man had become his for as long as his arms were wrapped around the firm neck, embracing him tightly. Had Hyungwon been able to remain stuck in that moment forever he would have, in the intensity of the breaths they shared, the possessiveness that had suddenly taken over him and dared him to request Hoseok to be with him.

_You are asking for too much and you know it._

The same hands that had caressed him seconds ago, each touch like an electric impulse that coursed through his whole body, defeated his enthusiastic imagination. Those same hands used all the available strength to push him away and increase the distance between them, transforming the fulfilment of his desire to have the black-haired man for himself into tiny specs of dust. Hyungwon hadn’t expected it, not after finally feeling Hoseok’s lips on his after not talking and being denied for weeks. His hands trembled as he looked up to show the older man everything he felt at the moment, the hurt, the shock and the inability to simply turn away and leave the way he had before.

There was no need to leave as Hoseok did it for him, whispering the number of his room and a request not to come right before disappearing.

The hurt that had been present only seconds ago, wrecking his whole being, transformed into potent anger and the wish to break something again, to slam his fist on the wooden table in front of him. Hyungwon didn’t, instead he took a few deep breaths, suddenly too aware of the eyes of the bartender that observed him carefully, prepared to act if necessary.

_You aren’t a person that shows his emotions publicly, keep it to yourself._

Still shaking, he lifted up from the couch and threw a note on the table, paying for the drinks and forcing himself to walk straight as he made his way to his hotel room that was located on the fourth floor. Hyungwon was furious, but he didn’t show it. Only his hands were the telltale sign, shaking when he pressed the elevator button and barely fitting the hotel keycard into the slot once he arrived at his hotel room.

As soon as he was inside, he slammed the door in its lock, groaning in anger and clenching his fists. He couldn’t believe that Hoseok would be that cowardly, leaving all the decisions to him. It felt like he was the one to break the rules, the one who took all the responsibility for what happened between them while Hoseok washed his hands by telling him not to come.

_He tells you not to come, but he wants you to._

The pretense was what fueled his anger, the older man’s inability to admit that he wanted him there, that he wanted to see his core and have him close. Hyungwon knew that it was true and he could see it in every twitch of Hoseok’s eyebrow, in every smile, every widening of his almost black eyes. Hyungwon could read the expression like pitch-black ink on a white sheet of paper, but the older man continuously pretended that it wasn’t meant to happen, that it had a limit.

Hyungwon hated limits. He hated everything that constricted him and the things he was capable of. What was the point of setting a limit before it was reached? What did Hoseok gain from telling him not to come after revealing his room number? Did the older man try to tempt him in order to see whether he would come? That was a torturous game, the opposite of what Hyungwon would have expected of the one man that treasured his core. Hyungwon couldn’t believe that Hoseok would play him like that.

_Because he isn’t, he’s abandoning the responsibility in the hope that you will come and do something he cannot control._

Hoseok attempted to fight against what was happening between them, telling him that there was no future in their closeness and that the boundaries were set, but Hoseok was also the one who wanted Hyungwon to break them, giving him all the tools but not daring to do it himself.

_Coward._

Taking a few deep breaths, Hyungwon clenched and unclenched his fists, attempting to calm down and make a decision. He almost laughed aloud at the fact that he was considering. There was no decision to make; his course of action was decided as soon as the black-haired man had spoken the numbers.

_You can’t help but go to him, you are desperate._

Taking off the white shirt that he had covered in a few red drops of blood from his palm, Hyungwon continued with the black suit pants on his hips. It all had to go because he was going to take a shower and for the first time since he met Hoseok prepare for more.

_You are a little pathetic, aren’t you? Hoping for things._

He was, but that remained his secret. He didn’t have to share his desperation even if it was blatantly obvious through him coming to Hoseok’s room alone. Hyungwon wasn’t going to care about showing his desperation, because he knew that the black-haired man was just as desperate, only too afraid to show it by crossing his boundaries himself. Hoseok needed Hyungwon to grab his wrist, pull him over, clash their lips together, and blur the lines of what was allowed and what wasn’t.

_Even if nothing happens between you and him, what you were expecting remains yours._

The thought calmed him, dissipated some of the anger that had developed through the mere knowledge that Hoseok knew he would come to him. The black-haired man might have known that Hyungwon would come, but he knew nothing else.

Stepping into the bathroom, he stared at his reflection, face covered in a thick layer of makeup, the amount he needed to feel at ease around his sister and to be able to compare to other models. The black line above his eyelid and the brown eyeshadow reminded him of why he wanted to go. It told him why he wanted to be with the black-haired man so badly instead of remaining in his room and continuing life the way he knew it and had gotten used to it.

_Because he can see behind all of this._

Soaking his right hand in water, Hyungwon observed the way the dried blood on his wound colored the water a light pink, flowing down the drain. Using his wet palm, he reached for his face, sliding it over his right cheek, applying pressure to remove a few of the layers he had applied. The sight was disturbing, as if he was two people, fake and real, hiding one while only showing the other.

Biting down on his bottom lip, he smiled, fascinated that all this time it had been so easy to get him, to wrap him around a single index finger and pull him in any direction one desired.

_One only had to take it all off, but you never let anybody._

Hoseok must have done it by denying him, giving him the look and being able to see past it all, but not having any desire to step closer. The reluctance had changed now, but the one who had to fuel it was Hyungwon, acting on the desires that both of them had, but only one showed.

_Like your two faces, one acts while the other bares itself._

_

His breaths were already irregular and the bottle of wine in his right hand shook more than he would have liked it too. Hyungwon hadn’t replied to his sister’s calls, but that wasn’t necessary. They were going to see each other the next day at the show, side by side with fake smiles and all those things his sister enjoyed the most. Hyungwon didn’t want to be fake right now, so it wasn’t the right moment to meet her.

Instead, he was standing in front of a wooden door on the tenth floor, face bare and body covered in a thin transparent blouse and tight, black pants. He hadn’t tried too hard, aware that it wouldn’t change much about Hoseok’s response to him. Hyungwon didn’t need to change anything about the shell to be able to provide what Hoseok wanted to see.

_What you want him to see._

Curling his left hand into a fist, he knocked, ignoring the pain in his right hand that held the bottle.

A few moments passed and the door opened, revealing the older man. He made out the black jeans, a simple white shirt and a fluffy towel that the older man rubbed over his wet hair.

As soon as the dark eyes met his, they glanced at his hurt hand, widening a little.

“Come in,” the low voice whispered, opening the door further and reaching for the bottle to take it. Hyungwon did, stepping into the hotel room that looked exactly like his own with the exception of a better view of the London skyline.

“I envy your view,” he remarked and made his way to the window, pulling the curtain to the side to see it better. It was indeed beautiful and distracted him from the fact that Hoseok hadn’t reacted the way Hyungwon had expected him to. The older man was calm and the composure angered him.

“It's okay. I don't really care.” The towel landed on the chair, leaving a mess on the other man's head. Hoseok took a glass from the mini bar and filled it with wine. “Are you planning to share, or is it for you?”

“I am aiding your plans, alcohol was part of the bigger picture, wasn’t it?” he remarked and gestured for Hoseok to have some. Hyungwon had only brought the one thing he knew was going to make him feel better if all else failed. He remained next to the curtain, pretending to enjoy the view while he observed Hoseok from the corner of his eye.

“None of this was part of my plans. Not in the slightest,” the low voice whispered right next to his ear as Hoseok handed him the glass, making sure to hold it near his left hand.

“I wasn’t, but I am sure that everything else was,” he replied and inhaled sharply, immediately affected by the older man’s proximity. It was unfair how calm Hoseok seemed in comparison, neither hissing, nor holding his breath the way Hyungwon did.

_Did all the affection die as soon as you followed his wishes by coming?_

“Everything else was supposed to prevent me from thinking about you. Do you think it would have helped?” Grabbing another glass, the older man poured some wine and took a sip, leaning against the desk. His wet, black hair was still hanging in his eyes. It made him look vulnerable.

“It didn’t help me,” Hyungwon replied and sucked his lips into his mouth, glancing at the glass of wine in his hand. It helped against sleeplessness, but it didn’t help to forget. “Did it ever help you?”

“Distraction. It's those hours when I don't have to think anything and just feel superficial pleasure or simply nothing and it gives me a break. It doesn't help, but it stops the time for a bit.” A genuine smile appeared on the handsome, pale face as the dark gaze settled on him, lips attaching to the glass, red from the wine.

“Am I a distraction too?” he asked and lifted an eyebrow, carefully burying the fact that the answer could hurt him.

“No, you're someone I have to distract myself from.” Hoseok observed him intently but didn't move an inch from his spot leaning against the desk. “Do you hate me?”

Hyungwon would have laughed at the absurdity of the question, had it not been much more complicated than liking or hating. His emotions were a chaotic mess and he was still attempting to swim despite water filling his lungs.

“Would I be here if I hated you?” he answered instead and sighed, long fingers brushing through his freshly washed hair until he winced in pain, forgetting the long cuts on his palm.

“Yes, you would.” Hoseok pushed himself off the desk after leaving the wine there and came closer, curling his fingers around his wrist and pulling his hurt hand towards his face. A few seconds passed without anything happening, before the older man pulled his palm against his lips and placed a soft kiss on top of it. “But it's okay, hate me, swing your knife, whatever you like.”

“Why would I swing the knife if I'm the one getting cut in the end?” he whispered, but felt the sudden desire to do exactly as the older man said, to show his pain physically somehow instead of revealing his vulnerability all the time. He was still angry and a little ashamed for being desperate enough to come even though Hoseok was the cowardly one that feared taking responsibility.

Biting down on his bottom lip, Hyungwon let his palm slide lower over Hoseok's lips until he reached the round jaw and delicate neck. Inhaling sharply he curled his fingers and let his blunt nails travel over the pale skin, creating thin red lines that faded almost immediately, not creating anything lasting.

“Because of helplessness,” Hoseok hissed but didn't step back, black eyes observing him and red lips parted in a sharp exhale. “I understand that.”

“Then why-” Hyungwon began and felt his anger return in a bright spark, hands almost shaking against the older man's skin as they travelled lower, applying a little more pressure, “would you make me feel helpless?”

“Because I'm weak too when it comes to you.” Leaning forward, Hoseok pressed his hot lips against his mouth for a second before leaning back and letting out the air that he must have kept inside his lungs during the action. “You can let out your anger, you have a point, just don't hope that it will get better. It won't.”

“I know that it won't,” Hyungwon hissed and his desperation returned because each kiss made him feel so much. “I'm not stupid enough to believe that revenge gives peace. It doesn't, it only leaves hollowness, but I can't help it. You're such a fucking coward.”

Groaning, he wrapped his arms around the older man's neck and scratched over his back, pulling at the fabric of his shirt until he heard it rip.

Hoseok didn't say anything, only the sounds of gasps and hisses entered his ears as the strong arms circled his waist and curved lips placed a kiss against his mouth once again, careful, gentle, affectionate. The difference only fueled his anger and his helplessness, the knowledge that there was nothing he could do because Hoseok only needed to stroke over his back with that warm hand of his and Hyungwon would melt.

“I hate how you affect me,” he whispered and buried his nails into the naked, muscular back this time, feeling how the skin gave in to his force and pulled a hiss from Hoseok's lips. He wanted to cry because there was nothing he could do and he knew it, but he didn't. Instead he licked over the shell of Hoseok's ear and closed his lips around the gorgeous neck. His teeth grazed over the outline once until he bit down, tasting sweetness. “I hate how you can make me feel with a single touch of yours and I can't do anything else but come to you. You knew that I would come. You fucking knew.”

The older man moaned, low and so fucking attractive as his eyes rolled back and focused on his face again before he replied.

“I didn't know for sure, but I was hoping that you wouldn't listen to me. I did because it's fucking torture to keep myself in check when you're this gorgeous, shit, just look at yourself. I struggle to breathe when you are like this. Fuck.” Hoseok threw his head back, revealing the bite mark, red and a little swollen.

Hyungwon gasped at the sight, more affected than he would have anticipated. It felt like something lasting, as if he was able to grasp Hoseok with both of his hands and keep him close in that manner.

“You're a coward, Hoseok,” he hissed and bit into the firm bicep next as he pulled the shirt off completely and threw it to the side. “You are too cowardly to hold onto me, expecting me to come and cross your boundaries for you.”

His teeth travelled downwards to the older man's forearm and Hyungwon leaned in, sucking on a gorgeous nipple. His hands were still roaming, digging into the skin of Hoseok's sides roughly to keep him close, to forbid him from leaving.

“I can't cross them and if I do it once I might not be able to go back. You can think that I'm a coward as much as you like and you can swing your knife as much as you want, I can't suddenly make it work. But then I can't stay away from you either, I would've found out your room number if you hadn't come and I would've come to you.” Hoseok hissed, leaning in and catching his lips in a rough kiss.

Hyungwon moaned into it, only slowly registering the older man's words. He would have come if Hyungwon hadn't? Wasn't that too easy?

“I will never know, because you got me first, weak and unable to resist you and your fucking call,” he groaned and hit Hoseok's chest once with his fist, not strong enough to hurt but with sufficient force to feel how firm it was, how helpless he was as soon as Hoseok decided to fight back. “You're playing with me, aren't you? Perfectly aware that I stand no chance against you.”

“Who is playing with whom? You said you only show me the things I want to see, you keep slipping your fucking shell off your shoulder with a raised eyebrow and watch me crawl towards you.” The older man caught his lips with his teeth, licking over his bottom lip and pulling him flush against his chest. Hyungwon tried to free himself halfheartedly, liking it too much and hating that he liked it. His breaths were heavy and his hands trembled in their attempt to push away and hold on at the same time, sliding along Hoseok's pecs or wrapping around his shoulders. He hated that he showed everything at once, as if it was already a habit to throw off his pretense and reveal his everything to the older man instead of keeping it safe behind his shell.

“It is only fair because your gaze alone has me on my knees, laying everything bare for you,” he gasped and sank his hand into Hoseok's hair, pulling it roughly to tilt the older man's head and nibble on the bite mark he had created. The texture under his tongue fueled him beyond belief, making his legs tremble and his breath hitch.

“Your life is dieting, isn't it? You should understand that you're like a dessert I can't eat, but you keep placing yourself on my plate and I want it so much that I'm losing my fucking mind, Hyungwon.” Hoseok groaned and pulled him closer by the grip on his waist.

“Then fucking take the dessert, Hoseok,” he hissed and bit into the older man's neck, licking over the spot right after and combining it with his right thumb that drew circles over Hoseok's nipple. He wanted the other man so much. He wanted Hoseok to break his composure and finally have him, to make him his and have those arms around him without repercussions. Hyungwon was so tired of being pushed away halfheartedly and tired of the older man asking for distance when both of them hated it, couldn't even bear it for as long as it existed between them.

“Take me,” Hyungwon ordered and ran his nails over the older man's clothed thighs.

“Fuck,” Hoseok hissed and disappeared from his sight, only to lift him in the air and press his back against the wall, hot lips attaching to his mouth, his neck, his shoulders. “I want you, I want you so much, I feel like dying.”

Hyungwon felt the same way, set on fire by the man in front of him and left to burn. His body screamed for the black-haired man, to feel him everywhere, to let him do what he didn't let anybody else do. Only Hoseok was about to make him want something he couldn't have, the one thing the older man didn't allow himself to give.

His head hit the wall and he whimpered before scratching over Hoseok's back from being manhandled and wrapping his long legs around the broad hips. Hyungwon wanted him to show that strength of his, to fight back and throw him against the wall the way he did.

Biting down on his bottom lip, he rolled his hips on purpose and exhaled right into Hoseok's face.

“Then fucking take me, Hoseok.”

He was revealing his weaknesses again, showing how much he wanted the breathtaking man in front of him, how much he had thought about being close and desiring him, allowing Hoseok to touch him and make him scream. It wasn't about what the closeness was going to give him, but it was the touch that he desired, the affection that fueled his anger and pulled out his vulnerability. Hyungwon was laying himself on a serving plate right in front of Hoseok, but he couldn't even bring himself to care.

_You have lost your mind._

Hoseok pressed him against the wall with his hips, strength apparent and so natural. The older man leaned forward and licked along his neck before sinking his sharp teeth into it, hands stroking over his thighs and loud moan escaping from the curved lips.

“I think I've lost my fucking mind,” the low voice hissed into his ear before strong hands reached for his shirt and simply ripped it open. Hyungwon could feel teeth again, this time on his chest, lips closing around his nipples and broad hips rolling into his body.

He moaned at the roughness, the way Hoseok finally showed his strength instead of fueling Hyungwon's anger with his overwhelming tenderness. His hands ran all over the muscular back, scratching along it in an attempt to have Hoseok closer, to feel more teeth and finally forget the helplessness he tried to fight instead of the older man.

_You are fighting yourself, but it's not working._

“More,” he gasped and threw his head back, right hand curling into a first and hitting against Hoseok's chest helplessly, not moving him a single centimeter.

Hoseok moved away from the wall, catching his lips and holding him with his strong arms. He felt weightless as sudden tenderness replaced the roughness and the older man worshiped him like a god, kissed his face and his neck, black eyes stroking over his features.

“But I'm only supposed to look at it, not take it,” the older man hissed, rolling him over his groin and moaning loudly.

Hoseok knew exactly that his gaze made him weak, blasted his defenses into tiny little chunks. Hyungwon wanted to use his weak fist against him, to scream at him and scratch him to make him act, to abandon the rules the black-haired man has created for himself.

_He should be yours, but he's resisting._

“You're the one who decided that, who the fuck are you to decide that? I never told you that you can only look; it changed a long time ago, you coward. You're the only fucking one I want to be touched by,” he hissed and grabbed Hoseok's hair to pull him into a fierce kiss, nibbling on his lips and licking into his mouth desperately. “Why the fuck aren't you touching me? Touch me!”

“I don't want to break it,” the older man whispered into the kiss, moaning right after. He could feel Hoseok's strong fingers digging into his thighs, longing to act. He saw it in the black eyes, the desire to throw him on top of the bed, ravish him, leave bite marks on his skin, take him.

_He wants it, more than anything, but he's still holding back._

“So you are breaking me instead?” Hyungwon whispered back, bottom lip trembling in a mixture of anger and hurt. It could have been so easy, but the older man pushed him away because of fear he wasn't willing to admit, a fear of breaking what they had.

“Don't do this to me, Hyungwon.” The older man looked in pain, lips pulled into his mouth. A few seconds ticked by before there was movement and his back hit the soft sheets, air escaping his lungs just to burn inside them in a deep inhale. Hyungwon reached out immediately, grabbing as much of Hoseok as he was able to, terrified that the black-haired man was going to disappear and leave him behind, be a coward again.

“You want this, Hoseok,” he gasped and pulled at the muscular shoulder, scratching lightly and fingertips tracing the mark on the firm chest he had left the first time. It felt like years had passed. The fingers of his right hand sunk into the black strands and pulled roughly to have their lips meet. The touch immediately returned the desperation that had fueled his anger, the helplessness in his attempts to have Hoseok for himself. “I want this.”

“I want you. God knows how much I want you, it's hell,” the low voice hissed and hot lips attached to his mouth, his jaw. Hoseok licked over his neck, nibbled on it, sucked on his collarbones, his nipples, lifted his body like a feather to pull it closer to his mouth, moaning loudly. Hoseok undressed him in a matter of seconds, only to ravish his legs, leaving bite marks and sucking on the sensitive spots on his inner thighs.

He moaned loudly, not expecting the sudden change and the burning arousal that mixed with anger and desperation, setting him ablaze from the outside and removing all the layers, giving Hoseok exactly what he knew the older man wanted to see.

“I'm like your fucking slave, ready to give you everything only to have you,” he gasped and felt like crying out of sheer frustration, pulling at Hoseok's hair again and spreading his legs to give the older man more access. He was a hypocrite because he wanted it, all of it.

_Both of you are._

Hoseok looked up, black eyes showing so much tenderness, opposed to the arousing touches and rough hands that manhandled him.

“Don't. Don't give me anything.” The black-haired man removed his gaze and leaned forward, taking him into his mouth and sucking harshly, grip tightening on his hips to keep him in place.

Hyungwon screamed, unable to help it and pulled at the black hair again, attempting to make Hoseok stop. He didn't want the older man to end everything like that, to drown him in arousal and let go again. Hyungwon hated the hypocrisy so much, the pretense that there was a way out and with enough ignorance and distance it would settle. Nothing was going to settle and Hoseok was only lying to himself in an attempt to keep his composure.

_You can't be the only one going crazy._

“I won't let you let go of me,” he gasped and pulled more, other hand curling around Hoseok's shoulder and burying his nails in it. “Even if you'll let go carelessly, I fucking won't.”

Hoseok let him slip out of his mouth and hissed from the pain in his shoulder, throwing himself on the mattress next to him and hiding his face behind his pale palms.

“I'm insane, I'm fucking insane.”

“You're fucking human,” Hyungwon replied and unbuttoned Hoseok's jeans with quick fingers, pulling the fabric down the older man's legs while nibbling on his stomach and leaving bite marks all over the pale skin. He wanted it to be lasting, at least for a little bit, enough to feel like he wasn't someone to fill the empty days of a work trip.

Hoseok's muscles flexed under his kisses and bites, so attractive and making him irresistible. Removing one palm from his face, the older man watched him, breaths rough and gaze jumping from his face to his body.

“How would you like me to touch you?” Hoseok asked, before curling his strong arms around his waist and pulling him on top of himself, noses rubbing against each other and the other man's thick erection twitching against his lower stomach.

Hyungwon shook his head and sat up, thighs on each side of the Hoseok's hips. He grabbed the delicate hands, surprising for a man of Hoseok's stature and let them slide over his chest and waist, enjoying the way it felt. He wanted more pressure, to feel more, to stop worrying about what would happen once it was over and Hoseok decided to push him out of his life again.

“Do something lasting,” he hissed and applied pressure to the older man's hands, enough to feel them push into the spaces between his ribs. His heart was beating furiously and shaking his body with each thump, air leaving his lips in rough gasps.

“I'm not sure that I can,” Hoseok whispered, grabbing his face and pulling him down into a desperate kiss. It felt insane to have the hot skin surround him without any fabric in between. “But I want to make you feel good. Really good. So good that you’ll shake from pleasure and won't think about anything else.” Hoseok nibbled on his bottom lip before letting go and focusing his dark gaze on his face. “Turn around and let me taste you.”

Hyungwon pulled his lips into his mouth, watching Hoseok intently as his body burned at the thought but his mind worried about his sanity, about the lasting effects.

_But you’re the one who tells him to throw his concerns overboard._

Inhaling sharply, he nodded and grabbed the black hair one last time to clash their mouths together, teeth nibbling on the curved bottom lip and tasting it before he chewed on his cheek and slowly turned, big hands scratching over Hoseok’s thighs in an attempt to calm himself.

The delicate hands stroked over his ass tenderly before a sudden sensation of sharp teeth interrupted the bliss, making him hiss. Hoseok kissed the spot before pulling his behind closer to his face, he felt hot, and cool air hit his crack in succession before finally there was a hint of Hoseok's warm tongue circling his entrance.

Hyungwon gasped, barely remembering the last time he had allowed anybody that close to his body. His hands were gripping the muscular thighs tightly, creating dents in the pale skin from the sheer force he used. The sensations felt good and distracted him from the fact that he still wanted to wrap himself around the older man and not let go. Having Hoseok this close felt like there was no need to fight, like those hands and lips were his already, pulling him closer. Holding his breath to bear the building tension, he scratched along the pale skin, observing the red lines.

“Gorgeous,” Hoseok whispered and teased him further, rough grip and tender tongue creating an arousing mixture, astounding him. The goosebumps that spread on his skin must have been the sign for Hoseok to finally push his hot tongue inside his body, tasting him.

Hyungwon whimpered, unable to remain composed as he fell forward a little and placed his elbows next to the older man’s legs, breathing heavily. It felt good, really good and he wouldn’t have expected himself to be somebody who enjoyed such an intimate touch, somebody who even allowed it in the first place. He wanted to ask for more, but he didn’t, keeping the words locked behind his lips while his body revealed his arousal all on its own.

Hoseok probably realized through the way his hips pushed against the older man's tongue, but the movements got bolder, more intense, quick and impatient. The grip on his hips tightened and he could see the older man's gorgeous, thick erection twitch in front of his face. Hyungwon moaned loudly, enough to hear the low sound echo through the hotel room. He hadn’t expected himself to be this responsive and leaned forward to hide it by licking over the tip of the older man’s penis. Hoseok must have enjoyed tasting his body, almost as much as Hyungwon desired to have him even closer. He would have never begged, he had promised himself not too, but he felt damn close to screaming at Hoseok to give him more and finally cover him in the pleasure Hyungwon knew he could provide.

“Do you want me?” he whispered, gasping right after as his thighs contracted to contain the trembles that passed through his body.

“I do. So much.” Placing a kiss on his entrance, Hoseok slapped his right butt cheek, licking over it right after. A loud moan escaped the older man's mouth at the teasing, but he kept himself from acting.

“Then why aren’t you showing it?” he hissed and sucked on the tip of Hoseok’s erection with vigor, teeth sliding over the length carefully as he moved down, focusing to not hurt the black-haired man accidentally. He was too occupied by his own pleasure and didn’t want to cross the boundary, not the boundary of pain.

_But all other boundaries._

“Because,” Hoseok grabbed his hair and pulled him off, turning him like a doll until he faced him. “Because I like you.”

His breaths were ragged as he looked at those black eyes, at the effect they had on him even though he had tried to fight it. Hyungwon wished he could have screamed that he hated the older man, hated the way he made him feel and how helpless he had suddenly become.

_But you can’t._

“I wish I could say that I hate you,” he murmured and moved in, brushing his lips over Hoseok’s soft ones in a desperate attempt to hide how affected he was. “But I don’t, I’m dying whenever you reject me, Hoseok.”

“I know it doesn't matter, but I'm dying too.” The hot mouth covered his and the warmth from the broad arms enveloped him, stroking over his skin, taking him in, tasting him, and making him melt into the muscular body.

“Then hold me tighter, you fucking coward,” he whispered and felt his bottom lip tremble, the tell-tale sign that he was close to tears, vulnerable and scared because he had no fucking idea what was going to happen, what reason Hoseok would find this time to push him away. He wrapped his slim arms around the broad neck and breathed in the familiar scent of sweetness and fresh sweat. It wasn’t enough, he wanted to be even closer, to be so close that Hoseok wasn’t able to deny him anymore.

“How can there be even more every time? How can you show me yourself like this and be so beautiful, fuck.” Hoseok sat up and started kissing him senseless, out of breath and looking dizzy, black eyes losing focus.

“How can you deny me even though I do all this?” he murmured and moaned at the kisses, the affection that Hoseok blessed him with. It didn't make him angry this time, instead he only felt intense yearning to be closer, to keep the older man for himself. “Let me have you, Hoseok.”

“I would if my life belonged to me,” the low voice whispered along with the strong pull that connected their chests, groins rubbing against each other. “I would throw myself at you.”

_Does he believe in heteronomy?_

“Do it,” Hyungwon muttered, desperate to make Hoseok act, to finally break the vicious cycle of rejection and self-control. There was no need for self-control, not when both of them wanted it more than anything else. “Do it,” he repeated louder, hitting Hoseok's chest with his fist.

Hoseok extended his arm towards the bedside table, covered his fingers in lube before reaching behind him and teasing him with careful touches.

“I'm the weakest when I'm next to you. I hate it.”

“Liar, you love being next to me,” he whispered and gasped at the cool touch, anticipating what was to come while forcing his tensed muscles to relax.

_It’s what you wanted, Hyungwon._

“It's the sweetest torture of them all.” Hoseok leaned forward and sunk his sharp teeth into his neck as he felt two fingers slip inside him without much hesitation. He hadn’t been prepared for the sudden intrusion and tensed until he finally remembered to relax and allow the black-haired man in. Hoseok didn't let go of the tender skin of his neck until he curled his digits, exploring and finally hitting the spot.

Hyungwon groaned loudly and almost fell forward against Hoseok's chest, spreading his legs to make it easier for Hoseok to move inside of him. It felt good, like the black-haired man had finally crossed a boundary to be with him, the first one.

_You want more._

“Does it feel good? Do you like it?” Hoseok asked, mercilessly rubbing against the sensitive spot and scratching over his back with his free hand. The combination was driving him mad, transforming soft moans into desperate whimpers.

_You’ve never wanted something as much as you do now._

“Y-yeah,” he forced out while his body attempted to move closer towards the fingers, to feel more of them and preferably make the slide faster. His reply was an understatement of the whirlwind inside of him, the voice that screamed to finally take him and make him the older man’s, take what was given instead of attempting to stay away. Hyungwon rarely wanted to be with anybody, but Hoseok made the yearning unbearable. The pleasure was making him dizzy, heightening his arousal and making him want to scratch over Hoseok's chest and scream at him to give him more, as much as he could. “Shit, fucking hell.”

“Are you sure that we fit together? It's only two but you feel so fucking tight, fuck.” Hoseok moaned and continued the motions of his hand, fingers sliding in and out of his body, hitting the sensitive spot. Hyungwon could tell that it was tight by the friction against his rim, the way two fingers already felt like a lot. It had been a while for him, a long while, but he wasn’t the type to admit something like that. His face already revealed enough of his weaknesses in front of the older man; he didn’t need his lips to betray him the same way.

_You want it._

“I don't care,” he whispered and tried to hold onto the older man's neck, to keep him close and nibble on those delicious lips. “I want you, no matter what.” He tried to lift his hips a little higher, moaning loudly at the small change in angle. It was tight, but he liked it, enjoyed the way his body drove the black-haired man mad through a small taste alone. Hyungwon wanted to see him lose it, scream because of how good it felt to finally have him, to be able to make him his.

_You want to be his._

“I can take anything, Hoseok,” he replied and scratched over the pale skin with his nails, licking over it with his tongue right after to sooth the red lines. They looked gorgeous, like a pattern that spoke of the emotions Hyungwon harbored for the other man. “Everything apart from your distance.”

_He makes you weak, unable to bear rejection._

“I can't give you distance right now, how about another finger instead?” Again, the sharp teeth grazed over his neck and he felt another digit being pushed inside his body, increasing the stretch. Hoseok was careful, watching him after biting his neck, black eyes sliding along his features like soft feathers.

The tenderness drove him mad, emphasizing how different it was to be close to the black-haired man, how overwhelming each shared breath was. Hyungwon was used to roughness, to careless touches, to have influential men attempt to force themselves on him because he was pretty and desperate for a gig. The expression on Hoseok’s face told a different story, a story of affection, of care about the core that the older man exposed with every layer that he shed from Hyungwon’s shell. His core was the treasure that Hoseok accessed and wrapped his hands around, protecting it with hesitant caresses and kisses that spoke of eternity.

Hyungwon wanted that eternity, the unconditional affection that Hoseok gifted him, but collected as soon as they parted. His body didn’t care about his concerns, about his helplessness and his affection towards the older man, responding to each touch and pulling loud moans from his lips. All of those feelings were his to keep. Hoseok felt the same way about him, but still the emotions weren’t accessible, locked away somewhere behind the older man’s black eyes.

“You refuse to be mine, but...why do I feel like I am already yours?”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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Hyungwon came, stepped out of his aquarium and entered Hoseok's dry soil, wearing nothing but a sharp knife that he prepared, trying to hurt him, fueled by pure helplessness and anger. Hoseok knew, of course he did, but he didn't know that he wouldn't be able to handle it, to keep calm, to ignore the burning inside his chest, the longing, the wish to create a different reality only to be next to him.

_You lied._

Of course he did, the intensity of what had been happening, his feelings that were all over the place, continuous thoughts and lack of concentration on his daily tasks. All of it was so much more than ‘I like you’.

His hands and lips couldn't let go of the gorgeous person, not now and not ever, at least that's how it seemed to him at that moment in his hotel room in London. The whimpers and breathy moans that followed the pleasure were like music to his ears, even though he hadn't been especially fond of moans before, only seeing them as confirmation that his partners liked what he was doing to them. It was different with Hyungwon.

_Everything is different with Hyungwon._

Even the desperate words could have been strange, out of place, but Hyungwon let his shell slip down his shoulders and breathed it right into his face, the facts, the truth, telling him that he was already his.

_You are insane. Insane and obsessed with him._

“I'm obsessed,” he whispered, moving his fingers against the sensitive spot before removing his hand and wiping it off on the sheets. “But I want you. I want you so much.”

“Then why aren’t you showing me?” Hyungwon whispered against his lips, eliminating the distance between them in a matter of seconds with skillful hands that cupped his face and pulled him closer. The touches weren’t rough anymore, no nails that dug into his skin and sent a mixture of pain and arousal to the center of his body. This time it was affectionate, careful as Hyungwon’s thumb brushed over his cheek and the plump mouth kissed his, accompanied by a smooth motion of the younger man’s hips on top of him.

Hoseok barely managed to blink as Hyungwon had already sat down on his lap, lower body beautifully settled on top of his groin and luscious mouth still kissing him senseless, unwilling to break the contact.

_You are hopeless._

He wanted to say something, reply with anything that sounded rational, but his whole body was burning to have the handsome man for himself, to feel him, to see more of the core.

_He will show you more, won't he?_

“Sit on me,” he whispered instead, grabbing the lube and trying to reach the condom that lay further away. “Please sit on me. Please.”

A genuine smile spread Hyungwon’s luscious lips as he kissed him, long and intimately while stroking over his cheek with his big hand. Every emotion was written on the beautiful features, pulling him in and refusing to let him go. Hoseok was weak when Hyungwon showed him everything. Too weak to resist.

“I hope you know,” Hyungwon began with a whisper as he rolled his hips again and took the lube from his hands. The black-haired man poured some of the liquid on the fingers of his right hand while Hoseok quickly ripped the condom packet open and rolled it over his throbbing erection. Hyungwon observed him carefully before applying the lube thoroughly, slow and torturous as if he wanted Hoseok to be aware of every sensation, every second that passed between the here and now and the moment when their bodies were finally going to connect. “I hope you know that you are the only one who can have me. Take responsibility.”

“How do you want me to take responsibility?” Hoseok asked after a soft moan as his fingers stroked over the other man's golden skin, fascinated and anxious at the same time.

“Stop pretending that I don't exist as soon as our eyes don't meet,” the black-haired man whispered in reply, tightening his grip around Hoseok's erection as he lined it up with his body. Hyungwon looked stunning, rough breaths shaking his slim chest and big eyes focused on him. “I feel like I need to hold on to you with my whole body to keep you from escaping.”

If Hyungwon knew how persistent his existence was to Hoseok. How intense the images were when he closed his eyes, all alone on his couch, remembering his birthday. He hated his birthday, but the black-haired man turned it into something worth thinking about.

“I don't know what I'm supposed to do now, but you can be sure that I can't pretend that you don't exist. You are all over my thoughts. I lied.” He exhaled sharply at the feeling of Hyungwon's body pressing down on him. The younger man looked beautiful, stunning, vulnerable, strong, all at once. There was no salvation for him.

_You're lost._

Hyungwon licked over his lips and shifted a little, aligning his erection with his entrance and sliding the lubed up tip along his crack. Preparing to ease the slide once he decided to move. The coffee-colored eyes were still focused on him, wide and attentive as the gorgeous man took a few more deep breaths to relax.

“Isn't it wonderful?” Hyungwon asked with a smile, lips trembling. “Again I'm the one moving towards you, pushing against the barriers you set for yourself. Isn't it beautiful how I prepared everything?”

There was a smile on the younger man's face, but he looked so vulnerable, like a mirror to the core that Hoseok adored so much. The big eyes blinked more often than usual and Hyungwon's big hands propped against his chest.

“Not this one, Hoseok.” Hyungwon kept his body in line, positioned so perfectly that he only needed to move down to connect their bodies, to end the torture. Reaching out, the younger man took his hands and placed them on his narrow hips, stroking along his waist carefully. “Not this time. You'll have to cross this one yourself and deal with the consequences.”

“Do you want me, Hyungwon? Or are you doing it for ‘the consequences’?” he asked, curling both hands around Hyungwon's narrow hips and lifted him away from himself, making sure that the younger man lay on the mattress before climbing on top of him. “I won't play this game with you because you know how much I want you and you know that I'm careful because you don't like to be touched, but I won't touch you if there is a single concern that you have about this. I will only look at you.”

Hyungwon looked hurt and the way the younger man's nail dug into the skin of his arms only confirmed his suspicion. The black-haired man's whole body was shaking as he stared at him, eyes wide.

“And here you are playing the same fucking game,” the younger man whispered, voice breaking in the middle and forcing him to turn away. Hyungwon let go of his arm and lifted his hand to his face, covering his nose and mouth while his eyes jumped from one spot to the next until they finally returned his gaze. “Why do I have to do this for you? Why do I have to step over your boundary even though you know exactly that you are the only fucking person I want, Hoseok? I fucking want you, more than anybody else, but here you are, needing me to say it because you don't dare to do it yourself.”

_Because you might destroy something. Again._

He didn't say anything. There was nothing he could have said to that, but the outcome was the same. Always. He hurt someone he cared about and he could do nothing to change it. It would happen all over again.

He reached for Hyungwon’s face and stroked over it tenderly, coming closer with each passing second, his thighs arranged on each side of the narrow hips. Maybe it was the other man’s body shape, his slim waist and flat chest, or his small face with big eyes and huge lips, but Hyungwon looked so vulnerable, so hurt, but so breathtakingly beautiful at the same time.

“I want to be close to you, I want to be with you right now, there is nothing that I want more,” Hoseok whispered and kissed the full lips tenderly, pulling the long legs over his shoulders.

“Then be with me,” Hyungwon whispered and carefully reached out for his face, right hand cupping his cheek while the left stroked over his chest and shoulder.

He nodded and pulled Hyungwon closer to his groin. Curling his right hand around his lubed up erection, he spread the liquid a little, before leaning in to kiss the other man while increasing the pressure against his warm entrance.

Hyungwon visibly relaxed in his arms, but deepened the kiss, nibbling on his bottom lip and licking into his mouth as if he attempted to distract himself, to focus on Hoseok's mouth against his. The long legs crossed at the ankle behind his head and pulled him closer.

“I want you,” the black-haired man whispered, “I want you so fucking much.”

“I want you too, no matter what my mind tells me, I still do.” Their mouths connected again and he exhaled roughly, pushing himself inside Hyungwon's body. It was tight, so fucking tight that he got dizzy from the feeling, letting out a desperate moan. The black-haired man was trembling under him, inhaling sharply and keeping the air in his lungs as he let his eyes flutter shut. Hyungwon didn't reply and merely attempted to relax, Hoseok could feel the beautiful body contract around him repeatedly.

He knew that he was a lot to take and that the gorgeous young man would not lose his mind moaning, while he filled him up. It was the necessary step before pleasure that Hoseok knew he was able to provide. Catching the moment when Hyungwon relaxed, he moved forward, burying himself deeper, hissing at the pressure. He couldn’t remember the last time that it felt so tight.

“Shit,” Hyungwon gasped and threw his head back, chest rising and falling rapidly and small dip between his collarbones moving with each heartbeat. The younger man was so gorgeous, blush covering his cheeks and chest while his hands held onto Hoseok's neck, evidently unsure whether he wanted him deeper. “I don't remember it being- like this.”

_Like this? Does it hurt?_

The possibility was there, he was fucking huge and without enough preparation, it might have hurt, especially if Hyungwon tensed up.

“Do you want me to stop?” Hoseok asked and moved back a tiny bit.

The black-haired man shook his head rapidly, nails digging into Hoseok's muscles to keep him in place.

“That's- no,” Hyungwon murmured and took another deep breath. “Usually all of this is more… functional.” The blush only increased, as if the younger man felt uncomfortable talking about it while being that close, connected even. Exhaling slowly, Hyungwon lifted his legs a little higher, gasping at the sensation.

_He likes it._

“Functional? What do you mean?” He waited again until Hyungwon relaxed, thinking about his question as he rolled his hips one last time, burying himself completely inside the attractive body, moan leaving his lips immediately and dick twitching at how fucking amazing it felt, tight and hot.

Hyungwon groaned, sound low and arousing as the brown eyes widened in surprise and the younger man's nails started leaving thick red lines along his biceps.

“Fuck, you- talk a lot.” Turning away, Hyungwon chewed on his bottom lip and took a few deep breaths, obviously getting used to his size and the way he felt inside of him. Hoseok loved how the slim thighs shook on his shoulders. “Usually it's just dirty talk or nothing.”

_Doesn't sound appealing._

“But - how would your partner know that you're okay, that he needs to stop or to wait for you to adjust? You need to talk to make sure. I mean, you don't look in pain right now, but it's only my impression, so I have to ask.” Hoseok used the calmness before the burning arousal to brush over Hyungwon's chest, tease his pretty small nipples and place an affectionate kiss on the other man's parted lips. He looked beautiful but Hoseok wished that the way their bodies connected wouldn't feel as meaningful as it did.

_You can feel how much it means to him. And to you._

“They don't,” Hyungwon replied quietly, not meeting his gaze and merely shaking under every touch of his, melting like the wax under the flame of a candle. It was unlike the other man to be calm, but the vulnerability must have been the source, the reason for Hyungwon's big eyes and attempts to hold on to him. “They… just fuck me because I'm pretty and want something.”

“That's not a valid reason. When pursuing pleasure or whatever it is, you have to make sure your partner feels comfortable and actually wants to continue and likes what you are doing. Otherwise it's… “

_Rape. It's rape._

Shaking his head, Hoseok leaned in, deciding to not talk about it and kissed Hyungwon instead, his pretty cheeks, his nose, eyes and forehead before finally settling on his parted mouth.

“Tell me when you want me to move,” he whispered and twitched once, hissing at the feeling and attaching his lips to Hyungwon's neck, bending him in half. The younger man contracted around him in response, only adding more pleasure to strain his composure while releasing a gorgeous low moan.

“I like what you're doing to me so much that I can barely focus,” Hyungwon whispered, meeting his gaze and gasping into their kiss. Again, the black-haired man looked so lost, features soft and hands roaming over his back. “How am I supposed to think about how to make you feel good this way? I can't think about anything at all.”

“You are making me feel good, especially if you like what I'm doing. It's the biggest turn on for me, seeing you lose yourself in pleasure.” A smile spread his cheeks and he tried to keep as much contact as possible while moving back and rolling his hips, arousal exploding with a forgotten intensity behind his eyelids.

Hyungwon gasped and moved along with him, but didn't make any other noise even though his body language suggested he wanted Hoseok to continue. The lack of sounds was enough of a hint that he needed to change the angle, but the black-haired man showed no intentions of saying it aloud, merely contracting again to increase the tightness that made him dizzy.

“I'll lift your lower body a bit and you scream when it feels especially nice, okay?” Smiling, Hoseok moved back and curled both hands around Hyungwon's hips, lifting them and rolling his hips while testing out the angle.

The black-haired man was just about to complain and shake his head rapidly when a gasp left his lips instead. It wasn't the scream Hoseok had been hoping for, but it meant he was close.

“Oh okay, a little higher?” This time, he adjusted his own position, spreading his legs to be lower and to hit from below. Hoseok grabbed a pillow and put it under Hyungwon's lower back before licking over his lips with a smile and trying it again, making sure that he hit this time. He was big enough, but the outcome depended on many things and people had various levels of sensitivity, so he had to adjust.

The difference in sound was gorgeous as Hyungwon screamed, whole body turning limp for a second as the black-haired man threw his head back and reached out to hold onto Hoseok's shoulders in an attempt to remain in place, body shaking at the sudden burst of pleasure he hadn't expected.

“Fuck, holy fucking shit, wait-” Hyungwon gasped, eyes wide and legs narrowing to have him even closer, pushing against that sweet spot almost automatically. “You can't just talk all the time and then make me scream, fuck.”

“I can, but now that we found what you like, I will make sure to mercilessly use it to see your beautiful face while you feel pleasure.” Chuckling, Hoseok twitched again. Hyungwon didn't need to know that he was losing his fucking mind in the tight hotness and wanted to move, to groan and slam his hips into the attractive body under him.

Hyungwon moaned loudly, head thrown back again and nails scratching over his arms. It was only a twitch, but the black-haired man must have been sensitive with the right angle. Even though the pleasure was obviously drawn on his gorgeous face, Hyungwon shook his head rapidly, gasping for air.

“But- I have zero self-control if I'm not the one to decide when I feel good.” Attempting to shift, a tremble passed through the slim legs and flat stomach, causing Hyungwon to whimper at the sensation and subconsciously pull him closer. “Why do you always get me on a platter? I'm going crazy.”

“Do you need the control? Do you feel uncomfortable without it?” He moved back and rolled his hips, moaning at the slide and tightness, struggling to not roll his eyes at the intensity.

Hyungwon screamed, loud and clear and trembled in his hold again, pushing back against his hips automatically and whimpering at the fullness. The black-haired man's responses were such a turn on after the fruitless attempts at restraint.

“Shit, I've never been without control, Hoseok. How the fuck would I know?” Hyungwon hissed and rolled his hips on his own, moaning loudly until he decided to muffle it by clashing their lips together.

Hoseok felt overwhelmed by how much he liked it, by how attractive he found Hyungwon, how the low moans made him lose his mind faster than he was able to suck in another gulp of air.

_Is this how one feels about sex when feelings are involved?_

He licked into the hot mouth, moving his hips slow, then faster, rougher before it turned sensual again.

“Tell me if you want the control, but I enjoy this side of your core so much,” he whispered. “Tell me if you want to lose it completely. I think I can make you.”

Hyungwon whimpered against his lips, breathless from the moans that were spilling from his mouth. The black-haired man was already losing his composure, pulling him deeper into his body. There was no attempt to stop his motions, only red lines that covered his chest and arms and screams that echoed in his ears.

The reaction was more than he had anticipated and it made him dizzy, but he longed for more, eyes focused on the handsome face while he made good use of his thigh- and butt muscles, rolling his hips into the tight body without a break. The moans flowed from his lips easily, fueled by Hyungwon losing himself below him.

“Shit, make me lose it,” the gorgeous man hissed suddenly, grabbing a fistful of his hair and pulling roughly to make their lips meet. “Fucking do it, Hoseok.”

_Turn him._

Hoseok pulled out, breathing heavily and missing the tight heat after what felt like seconds.

“Lay on your stomach,” he hissed.

Hyungwon was fast as a grin spread his lips, not quite masking the urgency in his eyes and the wide pupils. The black-haired man was quick to turn, lying flat on his stomach and teasing Hoseok by perking up his gorgeous ass.

“You make me want to slap it,” he murmured, before lubing up again and lining up, thighs arranged on each side of the narrow hips.

“Why don't you?” Hyungwon asked and looked over his shoulder, bottom lip caught between his teeth.

_Why don't you?_

Smiling, he stroked over the smooth cheek, before slapping it with a loud noise. Fuck, Hyungwon was too attractive, he was too emotionally involved and all of it added to his arousal. Licking over his lips, he pushed himself inside the gorgeous ass.

Hyungwon whimpered loudly, hiding his face in the sheets as his body trembled but his tight ass relaxed in the end, accepting Hoseok more easily than the first time.

“I like the mixture of pain and arousal,” the black-haired man whispered and glanced over his shoulder again. “Makes it feel like it's really happening.“

“I know I probably don't look like it, but you make me lose my fucking mind.” Hoseok tested out the angle and bent one leg to be able to hit lower before rolling his hips again. The spot he had slapped turned red and he stroked over it while his erection kept twitching, begging him to move.

“Don't you dare- make me beg,” Hyungwon gasped and barely held his own weight in place, reacting immediately to the stretch and the angle, body shaking from the twitch alone. “Take me.”

The words were the last straw that kept him from acting and he let his hands roam over Hyungwon's long back, fingers curling into his black hair and pulling his head back. Hoseok leaned in and licked over the other man's exposed neck before sinking his teeth into the sensitive skin while slamming his hips into the tight heat.

The black-haired man screamed, raw and unrestrained and didn't even bother to change the angle of his head, following the pull on his hair and losing himself with every thrust into his body. The sight was gorgeous, the shut eyes, the parted lips, the teeth marks on the golden neck and every moan that sounded like his name.

_You can make him feel even more._

Pushing his orgasm to the back, Hoseok buried himself as deep as he could, curling his arms around Hyungwon's body and turned them. Hyungwon lay on top of him. It was perfect how the black hair sprawled over the pillow next to his face, so he grabbed the lean thighs and lifted them in the air, kissing the younger man's golden skin and moving in and out of his body.

Hyungwon was delirious, moaning incoherently and screaming whenever Hoseok paired one of his thrusts with a graze of teeth against the golden neck or a soft kiss to the broad shoulders. The slim body kept tightening around him, contracting with each motion and hinting at how close Hyungwon was.

“Do you want me to touch you, or do you want to touch yourself?” Hoseok asked in between thrusts, moving slowly to give Hyungwon the opportunity to answer. The younger man didn't reply, shaking his head furiously and buried his nails in the pillow above his head, curving his spine to be able to press down and meet Hoseok's thrusts. Not a single word replaced the breathy screams as Hyungwon's body continuously contracted around him, as if the beautiful man was too close to reply, shaking uncontrollably.

Hoseok got the message and sped up his movements, making sure to hold Hyungwon close, as close as possible.

A few more deep thrusts were sufficient to pull a breathtaking, low scream from Hyungwon's lips, echoing through the empty room and accompanying the beautiful man over the edge. Rough breaths shook Hyungwon's slim chest as he tried to recover, greedily sucking in oxygen.

The contractions almost knocked him out with how intense they felt, but he took care of the man in his arms instead. Stroking over his thigh and sides, Hoseok turned to the side and kissed the sweat-covered cheek, almost melting into the touch, even though he was close too. The feelings were too much, making every movement meaningful.

It was his turn to feel helpless.

_You are in love with him._

***

_It’s always the same, isn’t it?_

Hyungwon had been furious when he finally came to Hoseok’s hotel room and even though time passed and their dynamics switched readily with their feelings, the anger remained somewhere deep inside, waiting to strike back as soon as the older man hesitated again.

Hyungwon always had to be the one to cross the boundaries, to break the walls that Hoseok single-handedly built for himself. Even though their bodies were close, almost connected, Hyungwon still had to be the one to make the decision, the one who abandoned the safe way out. He didn’t care about the safe way out or what could happen if they really decided to consummate their relationship further, Hyungwon only knew that he needed it and consequences were only secondary in that equation. It hurt to know that he was the only one willing to walk that additional step, to make a decision for himself.

_He’s such a coward, you can’t be the one to decide._

Hyungwon had been prepared, right on top of Hoseok’s muscular thighs and willing to accept the black-haired man inside of his body as soon as the hands around his hips applied pressure and pulled down. It was only a single step, one single motion to cross the boundary. Hyungwon had prepared everything, loaded the gun and positioned it appropriately. Hoseok only needed to pull the trigger.

However, the older man didn’t. Instead Hoseok turned them around, drowning him in affection and soft touches as he asked again, asking him to confirm that it was really what he wanted, that there were no doubts left.

_The only one who still doubts is he._

Admitting to his desires was frustrating because it was true; it was the truth and made him vulnerable, exposed in front of Hoseok and his hurtful hesitation. But this time there was no rejection, only warm hands that stroked along his skin and hands that pulled his legs up to throw them over muscular shoulders. Hyungwon was going crazy when Hoseok finally decided to act on what Hyungwon had ordered him to do all this time, to finally take him. The feeling wasn't the way he knew it at all, arousing but calculated. There was no indifference, no planning; only an overwhelming wrecking ball of feelings that he had no control over.

The pressure started slow, burning like hot coals in his groin and moving up his chest, filling out his ribcage like warm air even though it was supposed to be about sex. It felt like his body wrapped around the older man and refused to let him go, much like Hyungwon had attempted to do with his hands all this time. He had struggled to leave a mark, to scratch over the pale skin and memorialize himself, to write all over the black-haired man and become a part of him. Hyungwon was scared of letting go and his body tried to do the same, contracting and keeping Hoseok from moving back. He didn't want him to move back, he wanted to make him his.

_Since when are you so desperate?_

It felt like too much at once, in one way pleasurable but overwhelming in another. Hyungwon couldn't place the feeling anywhere, the desire to throw himself at the black-haired man and be taken care of, to wrap himself around Hoseok's muscular body and allow him to have him, to have what he didn't allow anybody else to have.

_You are not giving him your body, are you?_

It was so much more and the mere thought scared him.

Hyungwon was scared by the intimacy that every step of their contact entailed. It wasn't supposed to feel like this. There were supposed to be thin lines of control, of manipulation that he pulled as he deemed fit. Hyungwon was supposed to grab the thread he liked the most and tug at it to his heart's content until he reached what he desired. He used sex to reach his goals, used other people's desire for him to achieve something, but here he was, melting at a touch alone, without any additional thoughts.

Sex was purely functional, but the black-haired man focused on his pleasure only, asking him questions, changing angles, returning shame Hyungwon hadn't even been aware of possessing. His face was burning and his body trembled with each twitch of Hoseok's erection inside of him. He felt vulnerable, but safe. The combination didn’t make sense at all, but every action of his supported it. The way he allowed Hoseok to see and touch him, how he wrapped himself tightly around the firm neck and met every thrust.

Hyungwon wasn't the one who led the pleasure, the one to pull loud moans from the other man's lips with each motion of his hips. There was no slight discomfort he had to deal with while deciding when to feel good to keep his composure. He only felt good, burning from the inside and wanting more without having to ask for it.

Hoseok had no interest in his composure at all, finding the one spot that pulled screams from his lips and brushing over it mercilessly. It felt too good to be true, too intense to return to being the one in control. Hyungwon wasn't even able to contract on purpose or push his thighs together to make it even tighter for Hoseok. He wasn't able to do anything as the older man lifted his hips and turned his whole vision white, evoking screams he had never allowed anybody to hear.

The black-haired man was so attentive, talking to him throughout to ask about his wellbeing, gifting all of his affection to him while holding his hand to give him a way out. Hyungwon didn't know what to do with himself, how to act when Hoseok was able to lay him bare like that, peel all the protections off and place a tender kiss on the core that remained. He had never felt so naked and protected at the same time, as if it was okay to let go and forget himself, to melt with each touch of his body and each spark of pleasure in his groin

He couldn't breathe, not when the pleasure only increased, hot lips met his desperately and set his whole body ablaze. Hyungwon was scared, so scared to show it all and let go of the thin threads that he had been trying to hold onto all this time. But who else would he give those to if not the black-haired man below him? The only person that treasured his core, the only one who wanted the person he was independent of his pretty shell.

His vision blurred with each motion that their bodies shared, with each kiss that their lips fought to extend, to keep forever. Hyungwon felt vulnerable but protected, muscular arms wrapping around him as they fell to the depths of the ocean, only breathing because of the connection between their mouths, because of the oxygen they shared, trusting each other.

_Your core belongs to him. You have given it away, Hyungwon._

His orgasm washed over him like a wave that he knew was coming, but that was stronger than he had anticipated, forcing him to lose the ground under his feet. But there had been no need for that ground, not with the firm grip around his thighs and the tender touches that Hoseok blessed him with. The affection didn’t contrast with the previous pleasure, it was an addition to it, something natural that Hyungwon should have been surprised by. But with Hoseok it felt right.

The older man stroked over his cheek, placing kisses all over his neck and shoulder. His breaths were still ragged and his vision blurred. Hyungwon couldn’t believe that he had lost himself like that, enough to orgasm before his partner. He couldn’t even tell whether Hoseok was close, only that the black-haired man was aroused and fully buried inside of him.

“Move,” he ordered in an attempt to regain control, to make sure he wasn’t selfishly basking in the pleasure while Hoseok denied himself.

_He always denies himself._

Humming softly in between the rough exhales, Hoseok took his legs again and started moving. First, it was sensual, but got rougher and faster, moans spilling from the curved lips right into his ear before he heard an incredibly attractive groan of his name, accompanied by several twitches inside him as Hoseok came.

Hyungwon gasped at the way the twitches rubbed inside of him, fueling him as he was particularly sensitive after orgasming. Holding his breath right after, he hid the way it affected him and listened to the beautiful moans and Hoseok's attempts to catch his breath. He regretted that he hadn't been able to see the older man's face blissed out, unguarded and raw the way he liked it.

His body was trembling a little, but he had no chance to hide it. Still holding his breath, he waited for what was going to happen now, now that arousal wasn't in the equation anymore.

_Will he stay true to his boundaries?_

A few seconds passed before Hoseok curled his arms around his hips and turned them, pressing him against the mattress with his weight.

He was prepared for anything, besides a sensual roll of Hoseok's hips that was accompanied by a loud hiss and tender lips that sucked on a patch of skin on his shoulder. Hyungwon immediately moaned at the motion, easily aroused after orgasming.

“I don't want to pull out,” the low voice murmured. “Let's stay like this, mhm?”

He shifted and moaned again; enjoying the fact that Hoseok hadn't softened yet and filled him out completely. Hyungwon hadn't expected the reluctance to pull out, but he understood it.

_Because it's over as soon as he does, as soon as you leave this room._

“Stay,” he whispered and spread his legs wider while breathing heavily.

“I'm a little sad you couldn't see my face. It's a mirror of what I see when I look at you,” Hoseok whispered and repeated the movement, sensual and arousing, just like the kisses that the curved lips kept littering his skin with. The muscular body enveloped him like a sea of warmth, pressing the air out of his lungs, before letting him breathe again.

“Will you show me?” Hyungwon asked, disbelieving that he requested a repetition, which he didn't try to escape as quickly as possible. The arousal was still burning in his groin, begging to be set ablaze again.

_But it's about him._

“I will. I will show you,” the older man whispered and pulled out carefully, leaving him lying on his stomach. “Next time.”

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip, painfully as the hurt returned full force. He almost felt like he was drowning in it when he realized the implication, the last words.

“Next time?” he whispered but didn't turn around, face buried in the white hotel sheets. There was only shuffling before he felt the mattress sink under the weight of another body and he felt cool wet wipes against his skin, removing the remains of their lovemaking.

“Mhm. Next time. If you like,” Hoseok muttered next to his ear, before placing a kiss on the shell. Hyungwon swallowed, feeling lost with the opportunity to meet again and the sudden affection. He wanted it, but he was never prepared to receive it, body shaking and face remaining buried.

_You're so vulnerable next to him._

He didn't reply and hummed, forcing himself to lift his head from the sheets and blink a few times. Hyungwon felt spent, but his body was still burning, adrenaline coursed through his veins in anticipation of what Hoseok would do, what was meant to happen next.

_Whether he will keep his word._

“You're very affectionate,” he whispered, sitting naked on the bed, thighs pressed together. He felt a little angry that Hoseok had said he didn't want to stop, only to stop.

_He has you in his palm again._

“You don't want me to be? I told you I am a mirror, if you don't like seeing it, you have to go. I can't change the reflection.” Hoseok threw away the tissues and walked around the bed, laying on the soft sheets without covering himself. The older man's pale body looked gorgeous, like that of a Greek god, muscular thighs spread and half-hard dick complimenting the sight.

Hyungwon stared shamelessly, wondering what looking at people felt like for Hoseok. Was it really like touching? Was it enough? He doubted it, especially if he thought about how much Hoseok wanted to be close to him, but contained himself.

“I like the affection,” he whispered and dared to show some of his own, stroking over Hoseok's muscular thigh with his fingertips, observing how the skin tightened. “It makes me weak.”

The older man looked at him, thought evident on the handsome face. A few moments passed before the low voice spoke, pale fingers reaching for his wrist to pull him closer, as if the things Hoseok planned to say would make him run away.

“It doesn't. It makes you show your core. That's who you are. You might think that you are weak.” Looking down on himself, the handsome man stroked over the countless deep scratches on his chest and shoulders, up to the bite marks on his neck, red and one even blueish. “But your knife is no joke.”

“I was angry,” Hyungwon attempted to justify himself, but it was pointless. He had been furious and wanted to leave a mark. He had, clearly visible on the pale skin. A glance at his own thighs revealed a few bite marks, located on the inside in a zigzag pattern. “You’re not too bad either. I'm lucky I'm not doing any underwear pictorials.”

“Your neck looks worse though,” Hoseok chewed on his lips but as soon as Hyungwon attempted to stand up and look for a mirror, the older man pulled him with so much strength that he landed on top of the muscular body, thick arms curling around him quickly.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon cursed, and gave up his attempts to look. Staring at it wasn't going to make it disappear and to be honest he had loved the way it felt. Warmth returned to his face at the thought, but he ignored it. Lying on top of Hoseok was so hot and soft that he found himself thinking about staying right there, in his embrace. “You're a fucking beef patty.”

“You don’t like it? I don’t believe you, not after the way you stared just now.” Hoseok sucked in a long breath, burying his face in his neck for a moment.

“You don't believe me in general,” Hyungwon remarked and chuckled before leaning in and closing his teeth around a patch of Hoseok's shoulder, licking over it right after. “But fine, you're gorgeous.”

_He is, enough to make your heart hammer in your chest._

It felt weird, the fact that he was naked, after orgasm, but excited to be close to the older man. There should have been habituation or boredom, but no, Hyungwon only felt his body tremble and his hands reach out to stroke over Hoseok's sides and black hair.

“I don’t trust you. In addition, I’m mildly terrified at the fact that I don’t want to throw you out. On the contrary.” The strong arms wrapped tighter around him as Hoseok shifted under him, muscles flexing and warm erection rubbing against his stomach.

“And why exactly would you be terrified because of that? I’m a fucking treasure; of course you don't want to throw me out.” Hyungwon lifted an eyebrow to tease and mask the relief that filled him. He didn't want to show it, but the fact that Hoseok had no intentions of forcing him to leave meant a lot. It was the first time they were together after Hoseok's birthday and he wanted to stay for as long as possible.

_For as long as you need to change his mind._

“Because it’s making everything more complicated and painful. Not right now, but in general.” Lifting his hand, Hoseok pulled it towards his face and observed the cuts. “I mean, my body looks worse than this, but still. Don’t do it, I can’t stay composed if you hurt yourself.”

_He plans on ignoring you again, that's what he means by painful._

Hyungwon froze in place and felt how his jaw tightened with emotion, ready to protect himself and run if he had to. The feeling was more familiar after sex, the need to be on his own and not have hands all over him.

_You know that he'll push you away, but you're still staying in his arms, unable to resist._

“You do a better job than a wine glass ever could,” he murmured and pulled his hand back, suddenly regretting the lack of blanket and the cold that crept under his skin.

“You told me to take responsibility, to not act as if we don’t know each other. I won’t, I can’t act as if I don’t know you, I felt like dying over the past few weeks, but this is a mess, a freaking mess that I can’t control anymore. I know you- and I… ” The low voice broke before he heard a sharp intake of air and a shaky exhale. “Never mind.”

Hyungwon reacted quickly, climbing on top of the muscular body and placing his palms right next to Hoseok's face, leaning in to establish eye contact.

“And?” he asked and observed the older man's features, the emotions and the insecurity. Where did it suddenly come from? The sight was unexpected, wrapping around his heart and squeezing tightly as he leaned back, eyes widening.

_He didn't say anything, but there is so much devastation._

“Why is it painful if we can be next to each other?” he asked quietly and brushed his nose over Hoseok's, unsure what else to do to show affection.

The black eyes observed him for a long time, until the curved lips parted in a quiet reply.

“Because you’re a liar. And so am I.”

***

The whole situation reminded him of a movie, one that he would have watched if it hadn’t been about him. The fighting and anger they both felt, the black-haired man felt angry towards him and he felt angry at the situation he was in, his feelings and the helplessness that resulted from them. The scenes continued as his body was covered in scratches and small bite marks from Hyungwon’s sharp teeth, the intense sex, closeness, suffocating pleasure that he would’ve taken to a second round had he not been too emotionally involved to continue anything and the final breakdown, the raw emotions on the other man’s face that hit so deep that he almost confessed his feelings like an idiot. He couldn’t. He shouldn’t. Ever.

_You’re responsible._

Hyungwon told him to take responsibility. Not telling the other man about how he felt was the maximum responsibility he could give. Even after they fell asleep and Hyungwon got up with his alarm, Hoseok pretended that he was asleep when the soft lips touched his, when the beautiful man collected his clothes and brushed his teeth, when he stood in the hallway, leaned against the wall, watching him and reluctant to leave. He saw and knew it all, but still he preferred not to show it.

_You’re a liar too._

He was.

The first half of the day was tiring because he had meetings with magazines and was updated on the line-up and clothing concept, even though everybody knew that he would only take pictures if he liked anything. At this point he acted more like a reviewer and not a photographer. The only interesting information was that the only person he wanted to see was in all of them.

_He must’ve gotten even more popular recently._

Adjusting the settings on his camera, he talked to one of the other photographers while the seat next to him remained empty over the first few presentations. The similarity to his life was remarkable. The seat had to remain empty, that’s how it was.

_You know it so well. Why do you allow yourself to feel so much, if you know?_

Glancing up, he looked at the models that walked by, but nothing caught his gaze, so he had time to think some more. What did the night mean for him? They didn’t talk about anything besides that he recklessly promised to repeat it and Hyungwon got hurt because he was honest about all of it being a mess. What would happen on the next trip? Would the younger man always come along and try to prevent him from drowning in alcohol and meaningless sex? He couldn’t do that, or could he?

_What if he does?_

Shaking his head, Hoseok glanced at the shadow that appeared in the corner of his eye and occupied the empty seat.

“Enjoying the show?” a female voice asked, bright smile audible in the way she talked. A glance to the side revealed big, coffee-brown eyes, red lips and soft facial features. Now that he knew, the similarities were difficult to ignore, the form of the eyes and even the roundness of the nose. Hyungwon's sister also shared the curve of her lips with her brother, but the top lip appeared less prominent.

“Not really,” he replied truthfully and tried to remember the things Hyungwon had shared with him regarding his sister. There wasn’t much, just that he had one and she currently lived with him in his apartment. Again, Hoseok realized that he knew nothing about the person he wanted so much that it hurt. Absolutely nothing.

_But you know what’s underneath. It had always been enough for you._

“Waiting for the beautiful mess to appear, aren't we?” The black-haired woman winked and crossed her legs, barely visible under the black and white dress she was wearing. The dress appeared innocent, but her expressions weren’t, they were playful like he had seen them in Hyungwon before.

“No, I’m waiting for your brother’s turn.” Hoseok didn’t think of Hyungwon as a mess, on the contrary. Sure, he expressed his emotions in a strong way, but that was one of the things he liked the most. “You too?” he asked out of politeness.

“Yeah, I'm waiting for the beautiful mess you turned him into.” Smiling widely, the slim woman leaned back and pulled at her skirt, showing off her long legs. Her body seemed like it was sculpted right from a magazine pictorial, but Hoseok was sure that she wasn't a model. “I know guys like you pretty well, Mr. Lee.”

“You do? Seems like empty words to me.” He glanced to the side, locking gazes for a few seconds, before turning away. There wasn’t much to see for him. “He is not a mess.”

“He wasn't before you came along and decided to play that whole ‘you're beautiful from the inside’ game with him.” There was a low sigh, followed by the woman's gaze on his face. “You're simple, probably fuck models to get the edge off but pretend to be innocent and best daddy ever at home.”

Hoseok was used to insults and the woman reminded him of Sarah. The words could've come from her.

“I'm not playing any game.” Turning his head, Hoseok looked at Hyungwon's sister, eyes focused on her features and walking over the parts that looked most like Hyungwon to prevent himself from being an asshole.

“Then why is he ruining his face for you and giving up on basic decency? I'm not stupid, Hoseok Lee, I know my brother well and he doesn't give a single shit about other people unless he needs something. Now, what exactly is it that you can give if he keeps running to you in the night? You have a family.” The black-haired woman stared right back, easily holding his gaze with a small smile.

_Is she concerned about him or about herself?_

Hoseok wasn't sure, but it also didn't matter.

“Nothing. I have nothing to give,” he replied truthfully, but got distracted, gaze wandering to the runway.

_It's him._

Hyungwon came out wearing a vest on his naked body, combined with broad red suit pants. The clothes didn't matter, they were completely insignificant and he lifted his camera, zooming in on the stunning face and pressing the shutter release infinitely until the model turned and walked back, disappearing behind the curtain.

“You're obsessed, that makes more sense,” the female voice remarked next to him, no emotion present this time. “Stop telling him to remove his makeup or whatever it is you're obsessed with. Media doesn't give a shit about natural and you should know.”

_Fuck this._

Turning his head again, Hoseok kept the camera on his lap and successfully prevented himself from looking at the pictures as he sucked in a breath and smiled.

“I will share some important information with you. First, I literally don't give a single shit about what you are telling me right now because I don't care about you or your opinion. Secondly, the only reason why I haven’t told you to fuck off yet is the fact that you have some kind of relation to him. Third, right now, I don't have much patience left because you're fucking noisy and the amount of bullshit that leaves your mouth is giving me a headache, so I will continue doing what I consider right. I will tell your brother that he is gorgeous without makeup because it's the truth and I think after our talk I'm motivated enough to ask him whether he wants to do a bare face pictorial with me. Let's see how popular he’ll become this time.” Smiling brightly, he turned back and looked at the pictures, using the time to sort out those he wouldn't use. Thankfully, he didn't forget to take good shots of the clothes presented.

“You're mental, aren't you?” Hyungwon's sister muttered, eyes wide. “You're just using him to get out of your boring family life.” Suddenly, somebody on the runway caught her attention. Hyungwon was presenting the next outfit, revealing shock at seeing them together until he masked it perfectly with a smile that wasn't directed at anybody in particular.

_Nothing really happened between you two, so the attention he gives you must be already too much for her._

“My family life is perfectly fine. What are you using him for?” Hoseok asked without looking, there was no point in giving the woman his attention. Instead he lifted his camera again, capturing the clothes first this time, before zooming in on the soft features and listening to the sound of the shutter.

“I'm the one who took care of him until he started to earn money, so don't talk to me like I'm a leech. I just know what one needs to survive and you're taking it away from him by making him vulnerable. If my brother comes home looking like he cried, then the person he came from must be a fucking asshole.” There was the shuffling of fabric as Hyungwon's sister fixed her dress, abandoning all attempts to be charming. It was like a mask that she peeled off her face.

_He cried?_

“You act like a child, immediately judging based on your limited information and lack of knowledge. You want him to wear makeup. Why the fuck are you telling me this? He is twenty-five, I'm sure you can have a conversation. Furthermore, you are sensitive for someone who talks in insults most of the time. Shouldn't you expect the same treatment? I might have hurt him but I'm not an asshole and I also won't let you call me one only because you have a mouth to do so. I won't solve your problems, Miss. You have to take care of them yourself.” Hoseok leaned back and spread his legs. The comment with the headache wasn't a lie, his head felt like a painful bruise on his shoulders.

He heard the woman next to him take a deep breath, prepare to answer, only that she didn't get to it before Hyungwon hurried over to them, dressed in the previous runway outfit.

“Stop being overprotective, Hyungjoo,” the gorgeous man hissed and reached for his sister’s wrist, squeezing it. “I'm not a child anymore.”

A few moments passed during which the two of them only stared at each other until Hyungwon returned his attention to Hoseok. He looked embarrassed.

Smiling, Hoseok shook his head and nodded at the woman next to him.

“No problem, she only shared her opinion on the clothes and we agree that this collection sucks. I'll leave you two because I wanted to talk to a colleague during the break.” He finished his lies with a genuine smile directed at the black-haired man because he was glad to see him and stood up, taking the heavy cam in his right hand.

A single glance at the expression on Hyungwon's face was sufficient to know that the younger man didn't believe a single word that had left his lips.

“I apologize, I changed recently and she's convinced that it's your fault,” the model remarked despite his excuse and reached out, only to stop right before his arm, deciding against it. “Can't you stay? I really like the later collection and-” Inhaling briefly, Hyungwon summoned his composure and the vulnerability disappeared, “I’m pretty sure you'll like it.”

A single look at his sister was sufficient for Hyungwon to grab her by the hand and pull her off the chair. “I'll show Hyungjoo the backstage area in the meantime.”

“I'll be on my way,” he replied and stepped back, before turning around and smiling. “I'll come back in twenty two minutes. In time for your turn.”

Hoseok had turned just in time to see it, to experience the break in Hyungwon's features at first, the immediate hurt that appeared at the realization that he planned to leave anyway. Big eyes widened even further and Hyungwon's bottom lip trembled, caught between his teeth to stop. The whole sight lasted for a split second until the younger man's features relaxed and he nodded slowly, understanding that Hoseok was going to return.

He couldn't help the smile that painted his expression with authenticity that was only there for Hyungwon to see. It was a good idea to leave for a bit. The emotions were too much.

_It’s getting harder, isn't it?_

It was. The development of the movie seemed clear, Hyungwon continued to shed more layers and he fell deeper into the aquarium, unable to breathe and return to sanity.

He would've loved to drown, to let the stunning black-haired man pull him underwater and keep him there until he couldn't come up anymore, but he couldn't.

_Is this a drama?_

It probably was.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's a 15k chapter :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 9th of August at 2 PM CET.  
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“I don’t understand you.”

The black-haired woman was standing right next to the full size mirror in his backstage room, staring at him with her wide eyes instead of at her own reflection and chewing on her pink lips.

_She really cares, doesn’t she?_

In the beginning, his sister’s motivation had been clear, back when the two of them were living together, fighting their way through school and Hyungjoo had been the one to earn all the money and make sure they had enough food. The money they got monthly wasn’t enough for both of them, so it had been her responsibility, Hyungwon had been too young back then. Sometimes he wondered if time had even passed for his sister.

_It’s not the same anymore because you’re not a child._

“I don’t understand you either,” he replied and applied a coral red to his lips, not bothering to annoy his stylist with the little time they had left. His outfit was prepared and only his sudden need to empty three glasses of water had resulted in less lipstick and a bunch of panicked organizers. Hyungwon had no strength left for the stress surrounding his appearance. He knew what he had to do and he was going to do it, hopefully while meeting those black eyes he expected to see in the crowd.

_You keep thinking about him without a break, no matter where you are._

Hyungwon had no idea what was happening between him and Hoseok, what conclusion they had drawn from what happened between them. Hoseok had confirmed that he wasn’t going to pretend not to know him, but what did it entail? Could they meet? Was Hyungwon able to become a part of Hoseok’s life? Could he visit the black-haired man and Amelie?

_You miss her._

His beeper was still filled with messages every day, Amelie thanking him for meeting Hoseok on his trip, on making sure that he wasn’t lonely. The little sunshine also told him about being with her grandparents and missing her dad.

_She is always worried about him, but he prefers to hurt himself by keeping his distance._

“I don't understand why you would stay out and want to be with him, Hyungwon. There is nothing that he can give you that you don't already have.” Hyungjoo was standing next to him now, leaning against the wall in her gorgeous dress and examining him.

“There isn't,” he replied, because it was true. According to his sister's values there really wasn't anything Hoseok could have given him. Hyungwon didn't need more fame, he liked it the way it was, she knew him as somebody who wasn't too interested in sex itself, so that also didn't work out. There was nothing that she could have understood. “Nothing that you would consider of value.”

“He told you that you're beautiful, didn't he? I know you Hyungwon and that's the only thing that could get to you. He squeezed the one bit you're self-conscious about and now you give him everything and become weak.” Hyungjoo sighed loudly and pulled her bottom lip over the top one. It was her finest ‘you poor dumb thing don't know what's happening to you’ face.

_But she doesn't know him, not at all._

“He didn't tell me, he can see it.” Hyungwon couldn't help the smile that spread his cheeks, the memory of Hoseok's black eyes on him and how that gaze was able to remove the layers, peel them off one by one. There was nothing like fame or fortune that the older man was able to give him.

_It's emotions. He's making you feel so much, with his gaze alone._

“You sound like a romantic idiot, Hyungwon. He sees what? That you are beautiful? Everybody does, but I know that doesn't get to your head. I'm sure it was the makeup because you started wearing less. It's as if you're laying yourself bare, why?” His sister stepped into his personal space and fixed his hair, carefully brushing back the strands. Suddenly her expression softened eyebrows relaxing and lips parting.

“Listen, Hyungwon, I'm just worried. You are a loner, you might not want to hear it but it's true. You never wanted to hang out with anybody and as long as you were all by yourself at the end of the day in your apartment, you felt great. What happened?” Hyungjoo swallowed and wrapped her arms around his waist, cheek resting on his shoulder. “Suddenly you're running somewhere in the middle of the night, coming back with dried tears. You are staying in different hotel rooms, but not for the quality of the room. What's going on, what is he giving you that makes you run to him?”

He listened, thinking back to his life right before he had met Hoseok. She wasn't wrong. He had spent his nights alone with a bottle of wine, didn't talk to anybody and mostly listened to a little bit of jazz music before going to bed.

_You were lonely, Amelie could tell immediately._

That was what Hoseok and he had in common, only that the older man had a little sunshine to fight away the feeling and Hyungwon was on his own.

“We share loneliness,” he replied truthfully and brushed his fingers over the bruise on his neck that they had covered with a turtleneck this time. His fingertips tingled as he brushed over it even though it was purely in his mind.

“But- he has a family, Hyungwon. There is no space for you and men like him never make the space. I'm worried about you, he makes you miserable.”

“Sometimes,” Hyungwon murmured, brushing through Hyungjoo’s hair and understanding why she wouldn't be able to understand. “And sometimes he makes me fucking happy.”

_She doesn't value emotions._

“It won't be enough for you. Maybe it is now, but it won't be later. I see it on your face.” The slim woman stepped back and observed him intently; worry remaining like a layer of makeup.

“Then I shall think about it later.”

Plastering a smile on his face, Hyungwon winked and left the room, preparing himself to step out on the runway and show everybody only a hint of what they wanted to see, a teaser that resulted in phone calls and future bookings.

_Everybody but him, you want to show him more._

His heart was threatening to burst through his ribcage as he placed one foot in front of the next, blinded by the bright light and the many faces. A few moments were sufficient to find the area where Hoseok had been sitting, the place where he expected the older man. Hyungwon wanted to see him, to know that he had kept his promise and decided to watch him on the runway.

_You want to show him what he wants to see. What you want him to see._

There was no point in preparing or planning, as soon as his eyes met those black orbs, the gaze that was attached to them, his features transformed automatically. Hyungwon revealed everything that he was feeling, the relief, the yearning that was finally satisfied. All the emotions that the black-haired man was able to pull from the depths of his being.

Hoseok was not on his spot and he almost thought that the older man didn't keep his promise, as one of the cameras sunk down and he could see the handsome, pale face among the people in the press area.

Hyungwon didn't know what possessed him, maybe it was the desire to see an expression on the pretty face, a sign of acknowledgement. As soon as he stepped to the front to pose, he pulled at the collar of his turtleneck. The motion was just enough to reveal a little bit of his neck, a hint of the bruise that the black-haired man had left him.

_You are crazy._

As expected, the dark eyes widened, accompanied by an unreadable expression on the older man's face when he had to turn around to walk back, unable to observe further. His steps were reluctant, especially when he entered the backstage area to change quickly. He felt impatient and ready to see Hoseok again, but something told him that there might not be the opportunity to do so. Not in the way he wanted and not on the runway.

Staring at his own reflection, Hyungwon reached for his turtleneck and lifted it away from his skin again, observing how much of himself he had shown. Swallowing, he let go and observed his features, the thick makeup on his face.

_You have to find him after this._

_

Hyungwon was desperate.

Not even once in his life had he left the backstage area exactly thirty minutes after finishing the show. His makeup was still in place, his clothes only partially belonged to him and he barely managed to escape conversation and congratulations for a successful show.

The tight, white, linen pants were comfortable, but didn't leave much for imagination. The same applied to the semi-transparent white button-down, making him look like some kind of angel while he was occupied with trying to find the devil.

_Aren't you the devil?_

At this point, Hyungwon wasn't too sure anymore. The only person he had talked to for more than two minutes was his sister who wanted to know when he planned on coming to the airport and an organizer that congratulated him for being the one that caught Hoseok's Lee’s camera lens the most. The compliment had given him enough confidence to ask whether the middle-aged man had seen the photographer after the show.

“I saw him leave the venue and take the elevator upstairs. I'm sure I can find somebody with his contact details for you.”

“Oh, please don't bother. I was merely curious,” Hyungwon replied smoothly and excused himself, hurrying past the crowd in his attention seeking clothes. He would have worn his own, but he would have been overdressed without his sister's company.

The elevator arrived quickly and Hyungwon decided for the rooftop first. The sun would set soon and Hoseok seemed like somebody who watched the sunset on his own, enjoying the sight while thinking deep thoughts.

He felt nervous as the floor numbers increased, fingers playing with the railing and teeth nibbling on his bottom lip. Once the elevator door opened, Hyungwon pretended to be nonchalant, without a purpose and definitely without any intentions of finding anybody.

_It would be by chance if you find him anyway. The hotel is gigantic._

He smiled at a few bar patrons, drinking cocktails inside while he made his way to the outside area, furnished with big grey couches that spanned the whole terrace. Hyungwon loved the various colorful pillows that decorated the edges of each couch. His eyes scanned the area, each spot that showed a perfect view of the skyline and the sun that was just about to touch the horizon.

_This is almost romantic._

He felt a little lost, standing in the middle of the area and staring at the fifteen colors of the sky.

“Angel concept?” he heard a low voice behind him, familiar and attractive. A pleasant shudder travelled down his back and Hyungwon tried his best to hide it and not be blatantly obvious. Smiling, he turned around and gestured along his body line, pausing briefly at his waist because of the transparent fabric.

“I dare say an angel would reveal less,” he commented and used the time to examine the black-haired man.

“Misconception,” Hoseok chuckled and took a sip of his drink that looked like the same strawberry gin the older man had last time they saw each other at the bar. “You look the most angel-like when you're naked.” The black hair was sprawled over the comfortable pillow and Hoseok's jeans-covered legs were spread for comfort. Contrary to his previous fashion choice, the older man was wearing a white shirt with rolled up sleeves, just like the first few times they had met.

_He's different again, the way you knew him outside of Paris._

“I fear you might be biased, Mr. Lee,” he remarked and winked once while making his way to the grey couch. He didn't keep much distance between them as he sunk down next to the older man, allowing their thighs to brush lightly. “Maybe I even have to call you Mr. Strawberry when you look like this.”

“You think so? That's sad, usually I brag about my objective gaze, but I guess it's not the case.” Smiling, Hoseok took another sip. It looked as if it wasn't his first drink. “How was the show? Did it go well?”

_You were crazy enough to show off a bruise to the media._

“Yeah, I got complimented a lot, partially through you.” He smiled and kept silent about his glitch. There was no point in addressing it, Hoseok had seen it as well as anybody else. “I was told that you couldn't take your eyes off me, I'm honored.”

Hoseok hummed lowly and brushed his bangs back, head rubbing against the leather cushion the black eyes returned his gaze.

“Are you surprised? Or does it make you uncomfortable?”

Hyungwon shook his head and played with a few decorative elements on his white pants. He wasn't surprised, after all he knew that Hoseok was fascinated by the authenticity he showed, maybe even a little obsessed.

_Both of you are._

“You know that I enjoy your attention,” he whispered eventually and let his fingers travel from his own thigh to Hoseok's. He wanted to feel the familiar firmness for as long as the black-haired man didn't hold back. “When are you flying back?”

“Tomorrow morning,” was the brief reply accompanied by more strawberry gin passing the older man's curved lips. “4 a.m.”

_Therefore, it is not today._

Hyungwon hummed and leaned back, aware that it positioned him on top of the older man's arm that had been stretched along the couch. It felt right, so he remained in place, wondering how he could delay his flight.

_You can't, you can only ditch it._

“Same,” he replied and licked over his lips. “But it's disgustingly early.”

“If someone saw us like this one might think we're living thousands of kilometers apart when in fact it's only five. It makes so much sense because distance is a felt value when it comes to humans. Something seems far off when we can't reach it.” Hoseok chewed on his pretty lips, thigh muscles flexing under his touch.

“It is, which makes me wonder why you turn those five kilometers into thousands. It could be so easy,” he murmured and spread his fingers, covering more of the gorgeous leg with his hand. “You don't plan on sleeping, do you?”

“I don't think that I will fall asleep and I have to get up shortly after midnight, so it doesn't pay off.” Hoseok ignored his first question and drank more instead. The avoidance must have kicked in. “How about you?”

“There is no point in sleeping when I can fill my time differently, especially if there won't be enough sleep for me,” he replied and observed Hoseok's features, wondering why the black-haired man was already pretending that nothing happened, even before they returned to Paris.

_He said he wouldn’t ignore you. Liar._

“What's your plan?” The older man kept his eyes closed before opening exactly one and watching him for a few seconds. “It's a little unfortunate that I can't drink enough to not think, it's the flight …” Hoseok sighed.

_So he needs the alcohol to forget you._

Hyungwon frowned, feeling the anger return even though he hasn't felt it since the night before. At least the black-haired man couldn't get drunk with his daughter around, so there was the hope that Hyungwon would get to see him without being ignored and avoided at all costs.

“So you need to drink for this? Fascinating,” he remarked, each word drenched in sarcasm. “I planned on showing you more of what you've done to me, but apparently you won't be gone enough to bear it.” Pulling lightly at his shirt even though it was barely necessary, Hyungwon bit down on his cheek, enough to hurt.

“Does it hurt?” the low voice vibrated next to him, accompanied by the intense gaze that appeared out of nowhere and focused on his face.

“What exactly? What you have done to me? No, but what you're doing is.” Hyungwon hated that he said it even though he could have been silent, sarcastic without revealing anything. His face felt hot even though nothing was happening and he felt the sudden need to wrap his fingers around the arm behind him and squeeze it until he heard the truth, Hoseok's real thoughts.

“Why are you still here next to me if it hurts? Why are you, Hyungwon?” The sun set slowly, covering the older man's face in a warm orange light as the pale fingers reached for his face and stroked over his cheek, light like a feather.

Hyungwon's feelings were mixed, on the border between slapping Hoseok's palm away and covering it with his own. He couldn't decide, almost shaking from anger and indecisiveness, so he did neither. Observing the black-haired man's facial expressions, he breathed in slowly and kept the air in his lungs while he thought about what to say, how to justify it.

_It's the emotions and the shared loneliness, you know it._

“I'm a masochist,” he replied and chuckled right after, aware of how untrue the words were.

“You're a beautiful liar. Fine. I won't ask. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to make you cry, but this is happening and it will continue to keep happening. I hate it, but I feel helpless about it because every time I tell you the truth, touch you in the way I want to, look at you, I feel that the wound gets deeper and I don't want that.” Sighing, the older man removed his palm and curled his fingers around his glass instead, taking another sip. “Hate me. Just hate me instead.”

_Even now he knows that he's going to hurt you again._

Hyungwon laughed, sound loud and painful in his ears as he sunk further into the couch and spread his legs a little.

“You fucking coward,” he hissed and covered his face with his forearm, reluctant to show the black-haired man his feelings. “Again you're trying to take the easy way out, hoping that I'll hate you.”

“That's bullshit. It's not the easy way out, it's the only way for me. You're going to come with me to all my business trips to prevent me from drinking and having sex? You can't, because you're fucking popular and I am crazy and only do stuff I like. Sure, call me a coward, because there are decisions I made and I can't go back on them no matter how much I… “ Hoseok hissed the last word and turned to the side, hiding his face from him.

“If only you knew how many job offers I ditched to be in the same city as you,” Hyungwon whispered and swallowed down the rest of the words he wanted to say, the anger that returned full force. He knew that Hoseok was vulnerable too, hurt by what happened between them, but it wasn't up to Hyungwon to change that.

Turning around, he grabbed the older man's shoulders tightly, pushing them back as he slipped on top of the muscular thighs and stared, breaths heavy and emotions threatening to overflow from the container he had prepared for them.

“Since when are you the only crazy one?” he hissed.

“Since I took you to my favorite bakery to eat Choux on my birthday because you were the only person I wanted to see.” Hoseok looked up at him, eyes jumping from his eyes to his lips before the older man simply closed them, bottom lip caught between his teeth. “Sorry. Not that it changes anything. It's useless information.”

Hyungwon stared, feeling how the anger drained through his fingertips and his grip on the black-haired man's shoulders loosened. He didn't know what to say. There was nothing rough he could have said, nothing sarcastic to a truthful comment like that. It felt wrong to be hurtful, especially while watching Hoseok's unguarded facial expression, lost and vulnerable.

“I wanted to see you that day, so much that I forgot about everything else as soon as Amelie gave me a reason to come to you,” he admitted, glancing down at Hoseok's adam’s apple to stop feeling like his chest was ripping apart. “I- I was really happy when you took me there, to the bakery.”

“Thank you for coming to me. I mean it. It's the first time that I can think back without… anyway, that's the moment when I went completely crazy.” Hoseok still looked vulnerable, eyes open but much less intense in their expression. “Would you like to spend time together before the flight?”

“Yes,” Hyungwon whispered and dared to lean closer, exhaling against the older man's curved lips. It felt like they couldn't lie when they were this close, lips almost touching and exchanging warmth despite the fabric between them. He shifted a little and smiled, thinking back to when he had gone crazy. “I called a taxi in the middle of the night to come to you. The driver took me to a supermarket, reminding me that one shouldn't come empty handed after upsetting somebody. I've never done anything like that before. Just today my sister called me a loner.” He laughed and buried his face in Hoseok's neck, inhaling the delicious scent. He wanted to stay right there.

“I'm a loner too. Want to be lonely together?” Hoseok asked, sad smile falling over the beautiful features while he could feel the gentle strokes on his hair.

_Shared loneliness, it's exactly what you thought._

“I’d love to,” he whispered and brushed his lips carefully over Hoseok's, not quite touching yet. The brief contact alone was so overwhelming, making him gasp and yearn to be closer. Inhaling softly, he smiled, remembering the little girl's words. She must have seen what they had in common. “After all I still need that goodnight kiss.”

“I can do that. I can kiss you goodnight,” Hoseok whispered and leaned in, connecting their lips for a split second. “Let's go.”

It wasn't enough. It wasn't fucking enough and they both knew it.

***

“I think it's not fair that you see Hyungwon more often than me. He's _my_ friend. I want him to visit me. Today. After school.” The bright blue eyes focused on him as his daughter slapped her fork on the table, before he narrowed his gaze and she apologized reluctantly.

_You see him often, but it is always painful and never enough._

“I see him often because of work.” Averting his gaze, Hoseok cleaned up the dishes and busied himself with the coffee machine.

_It's not because of work._

“But you don't take pictures of him. How are you seeing each other all the time if you weren’t seeing each other before? It's a new case for… the master detective Choux,” the girl exclaimed with a nasty grin. “I will find out what you are hiding from me and how you can see each other so often while I'm not even allowed to have my friend over. This injustice will end!”

_Oh god._

“Fine. He can come over today, but let's eat dinner beforehand, he doesn't eat anyway,” Hoseok muttered, hoping that Amelie would drop the detective idea. The whole thing was terrible enough; he didn't need his daughter to get involved.

“Yass! I need three euros forty for Choux a la crème that we will share. My friend and I.” Smiling brightly, Amelie jumped up and stretched out her palm, waiting for him to act.

Sighing, Hoseok took his wallet and took out a five euro bill.

“Don't forget to bring the change,” he muttered, unsure how he felt about having Hyungwon in his apartment again.

_You have no idea what kind of impact he will have on your life, infiltrating everything and leaving traces you aren't able to erase._

“Thank you, papa,” the high voice exclaimed before the girl grabbed her backpack and rushed out, jumping in excitement.

_She likes him._

It was a real drama.

_

Looking at the pile of clothes on his bed, he suppressed the urge to hit his head against the cupboard door. Since when did he care about clothes and what to wear? Why couldn't he just put on a shirt and jeans and stop asking himself whether it was okay, whether Hyungwon would think something only because he chose to wear a silk shirt, or a simple white shirt, or a similar shirt to the one the model took from him. Damn.

_You're being ridiculous. You didn't care before, you can't start now, it's enough that you lose your shit when you see him._

Groaning, he pulled the black turtleneck off over his head and threw it.

_Why is there no sound?_

Turning around, he saw the piece of clothing hanging from the light on his ceiling. God, he was an idiot. Grabbing the chair from the desk, he put it in the middle of the room and tried to get the turtleneck sweater off the fixture. Shit, the ceilings in these residential buildings were too damn high.

Suddenly, the door to his room opened after a careful knock and revealed his daughter and the gorgeous black-haired model. Hyungwon looked stunning, skinny jeans and silk shirt that emphasized his waist and broad shoulders. The younger man was beautiful and elegant while he stood half naked on top of a chair in his bedroom and tried to get a piece of clothing that he threw at the ceiling because he was frustrated about his feelings for the said stunning man. Moreover, frustrated about being too short. He was too short.

“Hi,” he murmured and massaged his temples quickly, attempting to get rid of all the pressure. At least he had worked out in the afternoon and his body looked more than nice.

“Hi,” the black-haired man echoed with a chuckle, right hand resting on Amelie’s shoulder. The smile on his plump lips was genuine, revealing a bit of happiness that meeting gazes evoked in him. “Need some help?”

“Yeah.” God knew how much he hated asking for help, but the situation already happened and it would have been more embarrassing to decline.

“Oh my god, who scratched you like that?” His daughter looked at him with her mouth open, pointing at his chest and shoulders. The back was the worst part, so he turned. Hyungwon’s eyes widened comically at the comment, but luckily, his daughter was too busy looking at him to realize.

_She hadn't seen it yet._

“Uhm, I had lots of mosquito bites,” he lied and Choux narrowed her gaze because she didn't believe a single word.

“Did you fight with someone? Didn't you tell me that physical violence is only for cowards? You need to attend some ethics lessons!”

Hoseok sighed and jumped from the chair, grabbing a blue t-shirt from the pile on his bed and pulled it over his head to cover the scratches. The younger man had been observing him the whole time, lips pursed as he furiously thought about what to say.

“You know,” Hyungwon began suddenly, crouching down to meet Amelie’s gaze. “It looks a little different when people get into fights. Usually it’s on the face, so you can be sure that your dad didn’t get into a fight.” The black-haired man stroked over the little girl’s hair and smiled softly, affectionate without any hesitation even though he rarely showed that side of him. “There are… some people who like light scratches, but it’s embarrassing, so it’s better not to ask.”

_Oh god, why doesn't he shut up?_

“But dad doesn't like scratches. It's a new case for detective Choux.” Amelie crossed her arms and glanced at him, eyes narrowed to make her seem more intimidating. She looked cute.

“Dad doesn't like questions and being the subject of an investigation. Let's go to the kitchen, I want to see how your friend uses his huge mouth.” Hoseok grinned and saw Hyungwon lift an eyebrow suggestively as he walked past them to get the pastries out of the fridge.

“I would have loved to see your dad jump to get that sweatshirt off the light,” the black-haired man exclaimed loud enough for him to hear before the chair was moved and the bed creaked briefly. It didn’t take long for Hyungwon to lean against the doorframe of the kitchen and observe him intently. “You have to work on your excuses, Mr. Lee,” he remarked quietly.

“Usually, I'm careful enough to not be forced to make up excuses,” he whispered back, gaze sliding over Hyungwon's attractive appearance. “In addition, you're only here because I got blackmailed.”

“I’m thankful then, I was pretty close to coming myself just to be ‘violent’.” Hyungwon licked over his lips before pulling them into his mouth, expression obviously showing that he was dissatisfied with Hoseok’s avoidance behavior.

Hoseok wanted to say something, but Amelie's blue eyes appeared in the corner of his eye, slim arms wrapping around Hyungwon's long leg.

“You should feed your friend after all the energy you put into getting him to come here.” Hoseok smiled and pointed at the plate. “He doesn't look happy, but I'm sure the Choux you bought can change that.” He made himself a coffee and stopped in the doorframe, turning around briefly. “I'll be in the living room.”

As soon as he put some distance between them, the feelings hit him full force, body and mind longing to go back, to at least be able to look at the soft features, to feel the coffee-brown eyes on him, even if it was dissatisfaction and hurt that they showed him. It was enough.

_It isn't._

He had dreamt about it, about dating the black-haired model, going out, hugging and kissing each other freely, visiting the pretty old carousel at the Eiffel tower and watching Choux laugh loudly while she held onto one of the horses, ridiculously happy and waving at them while they stood next to each other, holding hands.

_This is fucking ridiculous and you know it._

It was, but it showed him that it couldn't work. The only thing they could do was to be lonely together, no matter how much his heart longed for more.

_He doesn't even know how you feel about him._

Hyungwon didn't and it was better that way. There was no point in sharing how he felt about the beautiful man if it wasn’t going to change anything.

Hoseok had his chance and it didn't work out, he destroyed a relationship and a family, traumatizing his own child with the consequences. There was nothing to think about; he promised himself that he wouldn't.

_He thinks you are a coward._

Hoseok had made decisions for himself that he wasn't willing to revise.

The minutes passed slowly as he sat on the couch and read L'Étranger to distract himself from the fact that the reason for his torturous thoughts was only a few meters away.

_You wanted to take more pictures of him._

He suddenly remembered the bare-face pictorial he wanted to do and the other twenty ideas he had when he thought about the black-haired man. He could have filled a whole exhibition if he wanted.

_You can talk to him if it's about work._

Putting the book aside, Hoseok walked back to the kitchen, smiling at the chuckles and his daughter’s excited words.

“Are you finished? Do you want to watch a movie with Hyungwon? But brush your teeth first.” He gestured towards the bathroom and Amelie yelled in excitement, jumping up.

“But you have to watch with us!” she ordered, before disappearing in the direction of the bathroom. Hoseok glanced at the empty plate and smiled.

“I can’t even feel guilty because she looked so happy,” Hyungwon commented and smiled at him, long fingers brushing through his black hair. The younger man was watching him intently, gaze travelling over his body to his face. One might have thought that Hyungwon had learned from him, almost stroking over his cheek by looking at him alone.

“When do you have to leave? You have time for a movie right?” he asked, even though the younger man didn't voice any concerns before. “I'm sad that I missed you eating Choux, but oh well, next time.”

“I have as much time as I want to have.” Hyungwon stepped closer, pausing right before their chests would have touched. There was no hesitation even though the younger man must have known that it was difficult for him. Hyungwon’s long fingers were almost brushing his own. “You were the one to run away just now, don’t do things that you regret in the end.”

“I don't regret it,” he murmured, overwhelmed by their proximity. “But I do feel sad about it. It characterizes my actions well.” Hoseok curled his fingers around the door handle, ready to push it and end the intimacy of the situation.

“Do you enjoy being sad?” Hyungwon asked next, not hesitating to reduce the distance between them and wrapping his long fingers around his wrist, ready to stop him from running away if necessary.

“No, but it's an important part of life. Wanting things but not being able to have them. Maybe you don't understand because you act as if you always get what you want, but my life is not like that.” Hoseok struggled with the touch, with his longing to be close, to lose himself in the touch. He wanted to drown in the warm lips, the beautiful breaths entering his ears and the core that he knew Hyungwon would show him as soon as he got close enough. The younger man must have seen it in his gaze.

“Then what do you want, Hoseok? Do you want to show me what it’s like not to get what I want? I doubt that it’ll give you anything of value.” The fingers holding his hands shook a little, showing that Hyungwon wasn’t as composed as he pretended to be, lips disappearing into the pretty mouth.

“I want to stop wanting you. I want to stop wanting more of you, attempting to look closer, sink deeper. It makes me miserable,” he whispered and pushed the handle without opening the door. “And it makes you miserable.”

“Only when you leave,” Hyungwon whispered back, but let go of him. The big hand fell motionless to the side as the black-haired man didn’t look at him, staring at the kitchen tiles instead. Hyungwon’s voice trembled as he continued speaking, hands shaking at his sides. “I think you wanting to stop wanting me is what makes you the most miserable.”

_You are weak. So fucking weak._

Hoseok slammed his back against the door and reached for Hyungwon's big hand, pulling him into his embrace and curling his arms tight around the skinny body. ‘You make me weak,’ he mouthed into the curled ear.

The younger man responded immediately, circling his slim arms around his neck and burying his long fingers in his black hair. A gasp left plump lips, followed by eyes that finally focused on his face again, showing so much more than he had expected. Hyungwon looked emotional, bottom lip shaking and eyes wet enough to show his reflection. There was a spark of anger too, but not strong enough to push through the hurt.

“Who the fuck told you that you need to be strong?” Hyungwon whispered, pulling at his plain blue shirt and burying his face in his neck, breaths tickling his skin.

“I can't be weak because I'm not alone. I have someone who is weaker than me, even worse, someone who is weak because of me. I need to be strong to protect her, but you make me melt into a fucking puddle with a glance and your beautifully trembling lips, fuck.” His hands roamed over the slim back before reaching for the black hair and stroking over it tenderly. He was a fucking mess.

“I’m not an expert, by any means,” Hyungwon began, voice breathy and grip around his neck only tightening. “But shouldn’t you know that burdens can be shared? You can have another person next to you, so that you can be weak while the other person remains strong, holding you. Can’t you let me- ah, fuck, this is hard.”

The younger man buried his face in his neck, leaving most of his weight in Hoseok’s arms. He held the almost weightless body while his lips attached to the soft neck and cheek, kissing the shell of the small ear. It was a shame how good the contact made him feel.

“You're beautiful,” he whispered before hearing sounds in the hallway. “Let's go, Choux is outside.”

Hyungwon nodded, but held on for a little bit longer, as if he tried to savor the contact for as long as it lasted.

“I wish you could be weak around me,” the black-haired man muttered and finally stepped back, opening the door with one hand while a pretty smile spread his cheeks, masking all the emotions that had been present only seconds ago.

His daughter was crouching on the floor, face buried in her knees and shaking.

_Oh no._

Hyungwon’s eyes immediately widened at the sight, shock evident. There was no hesitation as the younger man crouched down and wrapped his arms around the little girl, brushing over her hair repeatedly and murmuring quickly.

“What’s the matter? Did something happen?” Hoseok heard him whisper, gaze switching to him for an explanation.

He stepped forward and crouched down too, searching for the small hand and lifting it to his face.

“We didn't fight, Choux. See?” He stroked over his cheek for his daughter to feel that he wasn't crying. “I'm not sad and Hyungwon isn't sad either. We only talked a little bit, but closed the door because it's a secret. You must know as a master detective.” Placing a kiss on the small palm, he leaned in and made the girl look at him by lifting her round chin. “You have to look, remember? Otherwise your head will tell you scary stories; you have to look closely to make sure.”

Hyungwon nodded along with his words, still hugging Choux tightly and placing small kisses on the top of her head. The black-haired man looked shocked by the outburst, eyes remaining wide and concerned until he inhaled the little girl’s scent and stroked over her back.

“Let me tell you a secret, Amelie,” Hyungwon whispered suddenly and smiled against Choux’s black hair. “I wanted your dad to hug me, but he never does it when people are watching. You should scold him.”

_Oh god._

His eyes widened, but he chose to remain silent.

“Did you hug him?” Choux asked and glanced at him, shocked expression evident on the small face.

“Yes. And now let's go watch the movie, it's super late already,” Hoseok murmured and pulled the child to her feet, tugging her along to the living room before curling his arms around the girl and throwing them both on top of the couch.

A beautiful laugh sounded to his relief and he lifted a hand, patting the spot next to them while glancing at Hyungwon. There were several emotions passing over the beautiful face, insecurity and yearning that finally transitioned into determination. Smiling widely, the black-haired man sat down next to them and wrapped his arms around his daughter’s legs.

“These belong to me from now on,” Hyungwon pointed out and laughed, tickling Choux’s feet until she started kicking his lap, dangerously close to his groin.

“I don't think Hyungwon will come back if you kick him right there.” Hoseok grinned and pointed between the other man's legs, while choosing the movie and stroking over the girl's black hair.

“But I kicked you so many times and you didn't leave me.” Big blue eyes settled on his face, hint of anxiety evident.

“How can I leave you? I am your dad and I love you the most in the whole wide world. I promised, right? There will always be me and you.” Leaning in, he placed a kiss on the wet cheek. “Still, you shouldn't kick, it hurts, a lot.”

“You won't leave me, right?” His daughter turned to Hyungwon and grabbed his big hands. Big brown eyes widened only shortly, revealing shock at the question until determination returned full force.

“Of course not, you’re my sunshine and I cannot bear the darkness.” Smiling widely, the black-haired man leaned in and placed a kiss on top of his daughter’s head, hugging her tighter than he had only moments before. A glance at Hyungwon’s hands revealed that they were shaking a little while brushing over Choux’s knee. “Did… your dad throw away my toothbrush? The Elsa one was mine.”

_You should have thrown it away._

“Ah! It's in the white cupboard, behind the towels! I was wondering who it belonged to,” his daughter exclaimed excitedly. “Do you want to stay over?”

_No way._

“If your dad lets me,” the low voice replied as Hyungwon looked up, meeting his gaze. He had no idea what his expression showed, but his daughter’s excited voice squeezed his heart like a fucking orange and made him bite his lips.

“If he doesn't mind sleeping on the couch,” Hoseok replied, watching the anticipation on Amelie's face.

_You are weak in general, aren't you?_

A smile spread Hyungwon’s lips, close to amusement as the black-haired man brushed through his bangs and removed them from his forehead, taking a deep breath. It was obvious that his reply wasn’t quite what Hyungwon had expected.

“I don’t mind, anything for my sunshine.” Placing another kiss on top of Amelie’s head, the younger man shifted closer and sighed. “Even though I think your daughter would be more willing to share her bed than you are. So much for being a role model.”

“Oh, but dad said he has to keep the one side of the bed empty, so I can come in the night when I have nightmares. It's not because he doesn't like you!” Choux tried her best to explain his complicated life before a big smile appeared on her full cheeks. “But it means I can kiss you good night!”

A brief twitch in the corner of Hyungwon’s lips revealed how much the words meant to him, how easily they got to him and broke his composure. Glancing at the ceiling, the black-haired man nodded, smiling a little.

“Yeah,” Hyungwon whispered, “yeah, you can.”

The younger man straightened his back and pulled Choux on top of his lap, hugging her tightly. “Look at you; you don’t even need a bed. I can wrap you up with my arms like a present. I think even if there ever is somebody on the other side of the bed, there will be enough space for you. A total of four arms to hug you and make you feel better.”

“Four arms is a lot!” Choux giggled and kissed Hyungwon's cheeks. “I'll give you the kisses now, because I usually fall asleep before the movie ends,” His daughter took away the remote and pressed play.

His gaze stayed focused on his own hands as he tried to put his feelings somewhere. Thankful for the darkness and the break his daughter and Hyungwon gave him. Leaning back into the soft pillows he stared at the screen without realizing what was happening and tried to repeat all the things Hyungwon said, turning every word to understand what it was that the other man wanted.

_How sad would it be if you want the same things?_

***

Hyungwon had thought that he was prepared; absolutely ready to focus on the little sunshine that had invited him instead of the grown-up man that didn't know what was good for him and kept rubbing the tip of his shoe over his emotions.

_It's not only yours, he's doing it to himself too._

After several hours of kissing and embracing in London, coming home had felt like stepping into a cave that was covered in his remains. It hurt to be alone, even though his sister's voice kept telling him that he had left her and ditched the flight, wasted money for nothing at all. It hadn't been for nothing.

_You did it to keep the fantasy for a little longer._

He didn't even cry when there was no call and Hoseok didn't pick up when he decided to be the one to make the first step again. He had known that it was going to happen, that Hoseok would return to his life without him as if there was nothing between them. It hurt but his expectations helped to keep his composure, to focus on the lovely messages Amelie sent him.

The little girl had told him everything in her life, about school, about her dad cooking for her, about pictorials she liked and Choux that she ate. It almost felt like Hyungwon was part of her life without being present.

_You weren't prepared for him to invite you to see her._

Hoseok was easy to see through. There was only one person that could get to the older man, the little girl sleeping on top of their lap, head arranged on Hoseok's muscular thighs and legs stretched out over Hyungwon's. Amelie jerked occasionally in her sleep, dreaming something. There was a small smile on her cute lips, so it couldn't have been anything bad. It was so peaceful to be present and observe her, to know that it was the older man who asked him to come.

Hyungwon wasn't able to forget the shock at seeing Amelie kneel in front of the door, terrified that Hoseok and him had been arguing.

_You were, because he doesn't know what's good for him._

His relationship with Hoseok felt like holding a knife between them, for safety, but instead of holding his hand and directing the knife towards the outside, the photographer rammed it into his own chest, wincing in pain.

_He's hurting himself even though he doesn't have to. You could take some of the burden from him, but he won’t let you._

Amelie was a treasure, easily affected by their arguments, their misunderstandings. Observing her sleeping calmly on top of their laps made him wish that there was nothing upsetting her. The fear on the round face was devastating to see, just like having the small hands hold onto his palm and ask him whether he was going to stay.

Hyungwon would have never promised his presence to anybody, but the little girl was an exception.

_Of course, you are going to stay, how could you leave?_

Hyungwon knew, he understood where the fear came from, why Amelie was so terrified of losing the people she cared about. It had happened before, after all that was how she lost her mother.

_Hoseok thinks that it's his fault, doesn't he?_

The conclusions made sense. It was comprehensible why Hoseok was so protective and why Amelie was so afraid. Hyungwon saw it and wished it wasn't the case, but still none of it justified being unhappy. Amelie didn't wish loneliness upon anybody, especially not her dad. There was so much fear of being left alone in those blue eyes. How could Hyungwon dare to hurt the little angel?

“She’s so peaceful like this,” he whispered as the rolling credits of Frozen began, accompanied by the soundtrack that Amelie had sung for them until she fell asleep. It felt domestic, sitting on the couch with their thighs touching and a child sleeping on top of them.

_Is this what he was afraid of? That you would become a part of his life?_

Hyungwon hadn't planned for it to happen, not at all. He was somebody who preferred to be on his own, without expectations and the need to impress. The difference was that there was no need to impress when he was next to Hoseok, there was only him, the pathetic core without the shell that felt like crying when a child kissed him goodnight.

“She is,” the older man whispered. It was the first time that he had said something since the movie started. “Let me carry her to bed.” Hoseok slipped from under the child's head and leaned over, lifting Amelie from his lap and carrying her towards her room. The broad back looked so safe and muscular shoulders so easy to lean on.

Hyungwon stood up too, unable to help it as he followed Hoseok to the little girl's bedroom and leaned against the doorframe as Hoseok carefully lowered her to the bed. The affection was lovely to watch, the expression on the older man's face, the effort to be careful.

_This must cost him so much strength; of course, he's terrified of breaking it._

“You're an amazing dad,” he whispered quietly and walked towards Hoseok, arms wrapping around the black-haired man's waist as soon as he kissed Amelie’s cheek carefully and covered her with the blanket.

There was a jerk in the attractive body, muscles flexing against his fingers, before Hoseok curled his hand around his wrist and pulled him out of the room, closing the door behind them.

“Why would you want to stay over? I bet that your bed is way more comfortable.”

Hyungwon swallowed, not sure how to describe it without revealing too much, without admitting how scared he had become of the loneliness.

Hoseok was right, his bed was big and comfortable and as soon as he hid away in his bedroom, there was nobody to judge him or scrutinize him for not perfecting his shell. At Hoseok's home, there were no such thoughts, no worries about his appearance, his lack of makeup and the bit of cream on his shirt that Amelie had accidentally smeared on it. None of it mattered and it felt like no pretense was necessary. It was like-

_Like a home._

“I'm just too lazy to go home and it makes the sunshine happy,” he lied and buried his face in Hoseok's neck.

“You liar,” Hoseok whispered, pulling him towards his bedroom and shutting the door behind them. “What am I supposed to do with you?” Hoseok looked as if he knew well what he wanted to do with him, eyes focused on his face and fingers brushing over his hand carefully.

“Keep me,” Hyungwon replied and glanced at the shut door one last time before walking towards the older man and curling his arms around his neck, exhaling against the curved lips. “Keep me and do whatever you like… kiss me.”

“I'm so weak. So, so weak for you,” Hoseok whispered, leaning in but not kissing him, not yet. He could see the longing in the black eyes, the want, the breathtaking struggle and strength it cost the gorgeous man to keep himself from touching him. The sharp exhales were his only touch, tickling his lips and showing him how much Hoseok wanted to lean closer, torturing himself and Hyungwon.

_Not weak enough._

He dared to lean in, to be the one to act first and give in again. His heartbeat was getting stronger, breaths increasing in frequency the longer he stared at the beautiful man. There was so much hesitation even though he knew exactly that Hoseok wanted to act, to kiss him senseless and throw him against the wall.

“Kiss me, Hoseok,” he tried again, bottom lip brushing over Hoseok's curved ones and fueling his desire to kiss, to become a part of the older man. The closer he was, the more he felt like he belonged, that he wasn’t a guest.

“You're so beautiful when you shed all those layers, you keep showing me more and it pulls me closer. However… if you have me closer you will see more of me and I'm not sure whether it's a good thing. Don't you want to keep the image of the crazy guy with a camera, who just does what he wants?” The curved lips brushed against his ear instead while he could see the white knuckles, the force behind the calm actions.

_That image had faded a long time ago._

“I don't care about the image, Hoseok,” Hyungwon replied and placed a soft kiss against the older man's jaw, following the line towards the broad neck. “I want to see the core just as much as you do.”

Hoseok had so much self-control, using all of it to hold back while Hyungwon felt like melting under the brief touches. He wanted the older man to take over, to throw him against the wall again and kiss him senseless. He could see what those eyes wanted to do to him, the way they travelled over his skin instead of hands. Both of them wanted to same thing, but the hesitation was Hoseok's to keep.

“Kiss me,” he whispered again, low voice becoming desperate and hands pulling at Hoseok's hair to have him closer, to tempt him. Hyungwon had never begged before, but his lips trembled with the desperate need to try everything.

“I can’t be reckless here,” the low voice hissed against his ear, but the strong fingers already curled around his waist, squeezing it, fitting to the sharp exhales that tickled his ear and neck. “But being next to you makes me fucking reckless and irresponsible.” The sharp teeth caught his bottom lip, before Hoseok licked into his mouth, pressing his body against the closed door with strength that forced the air out of his lungs.

Hyungwon whimpered, overwhelmed by finally getting what he wanted. His whole body burned up with desire and the urge to be close, to connect. His temples throbbed but it seemed like their proximity was able to make it stop, to satisfy the need that drove him mad. He needed it, all of it, the touches, the kisses, those hands on his body.

Holding on tightly, he lifted his right leg and wrapped it around Hoseok's hips. His mouth was firmly pressed against the older man's, catching each exhale and intensifying each touch. He let their tongues meet and moaned into the kiss, unable to contain the sounds. As soon as he felt stable in Hoseok's arms, he added the second leg, jumping up and giving up on his own stability.

_You want him to see that he can have it all._

“It's been a week and I feel like dying,” the older man murmured between the kisses, breathless and desperate, curling the strong hands around his thighs and lifting him while his curved mouth searched for his own as if it harbored the last gulp of air.

“Then let me bring you back to life,” Hyungwon replied softly, hand roaming over Hoseok's back and tugging at the soft strands of black hair. He wanted to feel more, to have the older man everywhere, and feel him with every cell of his body. He couldn't bear separating for longer than a second, constantly pressing their lips together and rolling his hips to get a breathy gasp in return. It was addicting and he refused to let go. “Be with me, I'll give you everything you need.”

“Who am I to get everything I need?” The voice was barely a whisper as the older man turned the key and they moved away from the wall. Hoseok let his back touch the soft sheets, climbing on top of him, thick thighs on each side of his hips. Delicate touches started at his face and flowed down his neck while Hoseok unbuttoned his shirt slowly, black eyes touching him with such tenderness that he felt his lungs constrict.

“You are…” the older man began, loosening one button after another and revealing more and more skin, “... the most breathtaking entity I’ve ever encountered. You shine from the inside, it is insane, Hyungwon.”

Pressure returned to his chest and he gasped for air in an attempt to keep it in his lungs, to contain the rush of emotions that each touch created in him. Hoseok was so affectionate again, leaving no room for doubts. Hyungwon wanted him, he wanted him so much. It didn't matter what was in the way, whether he had hesitated before or not. He only wanted to have the black-haired man for himself, whatever that entailed.

“Be with me,” he whispered again, voice only a hiss as his lips trembled with each word. His hands reached for the gorgeous face, stroking along the blushed cheeks. “You're the only one who can see it, Hoseok. How could I deny you?”

“You could. How is being able to see something any good? I keep watching you and hurting you, I hate it.” Shaking his head softly, Hoseok leaned forward, attaching his warm lips to his exposed skin, worshipping every centimeter and making it tingle more with every kiss.

“I feel like I can be myself with you, especially when-” He gasped and tugged at the fabric on Hoseok's chest, removing it by pulling it over the older man's head, “when you're this close.”

_You want him; it doesn't matter where you are._

His body was burning, screaming at him to do something and hold on while he still had the opportunity, to leave a mark that Hoseok couldn't erase anymore. Hyungwon had to get so close that there was no chance to separate anymore, no way to split their paths.

“I want you,” he whispered and pulled Hoseok down to kiss him, fingers grabbing a fistful of hair. “I want you so much. I'll- I'll be quiet, I promise. You can gag me if you want to keep me silent, just-”

He was so close to begging, right at the edge of screaming the word please at the black-haired man to keep him from denying him, to show how much it mattered. He didn't need to show it, it was written all over his face.

“But… I don’t want you to be silent. I want to hear every single inhale and every breathy sound, I want them all,” Hoseok hissed, slowly pulling down his pants. It didn’t seem like a simple act of undressing anymore, it resembled gentle hands that stroked off layer after layer, laying him bare for the black eyes to see and worship.

Hyungwon's chest rose and fell quickly as he stared right back at those black eyes that had caught him the first time, captured him with their intensity. Hoseok was only mirroring his gaze, removing each layer with his hands in the same way his eyes penetrated right to the core of his being, to the vulnerable part he struggled to protect. Hoseok was the only person to keep it safe, even though he kept hurting him with distance.

“Then take them all,” he replied and pulled at the black hair to clash their mouths together, to taste the older man on his tongue and show how much he wanted this, how much every touch set him ablaze. “Take me, Hoseok.”

“As a photographer, I was able to observe some really interesting phenomenons,” the low voice whispered as Hoseok’s hot lips started traveling over his calf, kissing and licking over his skin, sucking and nibbling on it at spots that were especially sensitive. “People tend to take everything for granted as soon as they’ve encountered it a few times. No matter how special the certain something might be.” His inner thighs were littered in kisses, hot air hitting the wet spots and soothing the bite marks Hoseok left as he moved up. “After taking pictures for a long time, I realized that every moment is about to fade. Every picture is the split second before the moment will be gone forever.” Hot tongue licked over his hipbones, circling them while the other man’s black eyes jumped from his skin to his eyes. “You are like a continuum of a million moments, every second that I look at you, I lose something, I gain something, just to lose it again. It doesn’t stop, you don’t stop creating those moments for me and I feel like dying when I don’t see you because I feel that it will fade, that I won’t be able to see anymore, that I won’t see you again.”

Hyungwon’s body trembled at the meaning that Hoseok's words conveyed, the importance that his existence received through the words alone. He hadn't thought of himself as somebody special beyond the shell, beyond his appearance which was the main feature that people appreciated in him. Not even once had he met someone that yearned to look beyond, to know the person behind the pretty shell, the man without the makeup and pretty clothes. Hoseok had seen it back then, at Starbucks and captured it with his camera, only to see it over and over again, giving Hyungwon the confidence to show it, to slip out of his shell and dare to be himself apart from being beautiful.

“You make me see and appreciate the person I am behind my shell, Hoseok,” he whispered and felt the sudden need to cry, to let the tears run down his cheeks and show how vulnerable he actually was. How fucking lonely he had been ever since London, hoping for a call or for an answer to his message. Hyungwon needed the black-haired man; he needed his presence to feel at ease, to see past all these features and ideals that were forced on him. A desperate whimper passed his lips and he captured it by biting his lip, wincing at the pain. “I- I need you to be myself. Myself instead of the person in the mirror.”

“I want to be your mirror,” the beautiful man whispered, before kissing his stomach and chest, slowly progressing towards his neck. “But I suck at making you feel the way you should feel.”

Hyungwon shook his head slowly, smiling at the expression on the older man's face and the words that accompanied it.

“You make me feel safe,” he replied and pulled the gorgeous face up until he could finally kiss it, the rosy cheeks, the round face, the small eyes, and the delicate nose with its heart-shaped nostrils. Hyungwon wanted to cover everything in kisses, show as much affection as he was capable of. “How could I want more?”

_But you do, you want his everything._

“How could you not, if you deserve so much more?” Hoseok’s hands roamed over his body accompanied by the rapid breaths and gazes that were so intense that they felt like touches all on their own. The older man was still partially dressed and only his bare chest provided the pleasant warmth Hyungwon could drown in.

“I want to feel all of you,” he whispered and lifted up a little to be able to open the button of Hoseok's jeans and tug them down the muscular legs. Hyungwon wanted to have him, he didn't care about whether he deserved it or not, he only knew that he wanted it more than anything else. “Let me carry some of your burden, I can bear it, I promise.”

Hoseok let himself fall on the sheets, muscular arms spread and head thrown back. He looked so insanely attractive with his lean, pale and hairless body, moonlight throwing shadows and playing on the milky skin.

Hyungwon couldn't resist and immediately reached out, hand travelling over the firm chest, fingers spread to feel more, to follow every dip and hollow that he could find. His breaths were irregular, a side effect of being kissed and stimulated, of the emotional words that they exchanged. It was so easy to be truthful when they were like this, bare and vulnerable next to each other.

“When I first met you, it was your gaze that captivated me, the desire to feel it on me again that pulled me in and made me do crazy things, push appointments only to be next to you,” he admitted, whispering the words in between kisses that he covered Hoseok's body with, beginning at his hip bone and moving up, tongue licking along his ribs until he reached a nipple and covered it with his mouth, sucking intently. “It's not the same anymore. It's not what you see when you look at me that makes me want to be with you, to give you everything and more even though you reject me. It's what I see when I look at you, the loneliness we share. Can't you let me be lonely with you, Hoseok?”

“You make me hate the loneliness,” the low voice muttered in reply as the other man’s strong arms curled around his waist and pulled him on top of the muscular body, skin so hot that it set him on fire. “I coped so well, but then you came and you don’t let yourself be pushed away, you… fuck.”

Hyungwon gasped at the body contact and shifted until he was perfectly seated on the older man's lap, stroking over his chest in the meantime. Hoseok was wrong, because Hyungwon's presence had only showed him the truth, pointed out the holes in his ideal and his decision.

“Maybe… I simply showed you that you didn't cope that well after all. Let me help you, Hoseok. Stop fighting,” he whispered and rolled his hips, holding the intense gaze and the cocktail of emotions that it harbored. Hoseok was so lost, overwhelmed by their interactions and the potency that each of their touches possessed. It was impossible to stay away, for both of them. How could something that felt so right, be wrong?

“Let me take care of you.” His hands brushed over hardened nipples, stimulating them along with the smooth circles he drew with his hips. His body burned, but Hyungwon was patient, not willing to beg yet. He wanted Hoseok to see that there was calm too, safety, affection that they shared with every touch. Their interactions were so much more than sex already and Hyungwon couldn't believe that he hadn't realized earlier.

“Kiss me,” Hoseok whispered, biting down on his swollen bottom lip. “Please.”

Hyungwon inhaled sharply at the request, leaning in and placing his hands on each side of Hoseok's gorgeous face as he finally let their lips touch, softly at first to not burn with the sensations it started immediately. The kiss was careful at first until it deepened and he licked into the hot mouth, tongue meeting and urgency becoming more apparent with every subsequent breath.

“I want you,” he breathed out, sucking Hoseok's bottom lip into his mouth and desperate to feel more, to connect again. His hips rolled over the black-haired man's groin and he caught the resulting moan with his lips. Hyungwon couldn't take it anymore, he didn't care where they were and would keep his mouth shut if necessary. He couldn't bear the thought of more weeks without a memory of Hoseok attached to his body. “Can I? Just-”

“Just?” The question was followed by a moan, a reaction to another roll of his hips right over the thick erection, hot against his lower body.

Hyungwon took another deep breath to be able to think, trembling from the desire that only increased with every moan that left Hoseok's lips.

“Can I just sit down on you?” he asked and rolled his hips forward, sliding the older man's penis between his butt cheeks. Hoseok hissed and mouthed a ‘please’ right into his face, reaching for the bedside table and handing him the small bottle of lube.

Hyungwon nodded quickly and accepted it with shaky hands, pouring some on his fingers and warming it up. Time passed and he doubted that he was stretched enough, so a little bit of preparation would have to do. At this point, he also doubted that a little bit of pain could hold him back.

Reaching behind himself, he bit down on his bottom lip and hissed as he slipped two digits inside of himself, scissoring them to be quick. It didn't feel particularly nice, but Hyungwon only let himself feel nice when he was alone and had nobody to watch him fall apart. Only Hoseok had been able to make him lose his composure until now.

“I'll try to be quick,” he gasped and lifted his hips, on his hands and knees on top of Hoseok while his right hand slipped inside of his body in quick motions. He could see how his thighs trembled visibly even though he wasn't dizzy from pleasure. It must have been anticipation.

“Why… why don’t you let me do it? You didn’t like it last time?” Hoseok watched him with wide eyes, shock apparent at the way he handled the preparation.

“No, I just-” Hyungwon glanced to the side, embarrassed that he hadn't thought of allowing Hoseok to do it for him. “I thought it's bothersome for you and wanted to be quick about it.”

“Are you insane?” The older man tilted his head and lifted his index finger, beckoning him over. “Come here and sit on my face.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened as his body remembered what that meant how dizzy he had been from the black-haired man's tongue inside of his body.

“I'll be incoherent,” he whispered and winced as he pulled his fingers out of his body, wiping the remaining lube on the sheets. Despite his concerns, he crawled up along Hoseok's body and turned, burying his nails in his thighs to stop them from shaking. “I wanted to be the one to drive you mad this time. Show you how good I can make you feel.”

“But you are making me feel good, you fool. How can you just stab two fingers inside your body…,” Hoseok whispered, curling his hands around his hips and pulling him up against his lips, “if you need to be kissed first.” A hot tongue followed the words, licking around his entrance, accompanied by a few soft kisses.

Hyungwon whimpered at the sensation, immediately pressing a palm to his lips to stay quiet. His whole body was shaking, relieved that the discomfort was gone and arousal spread through him instead. Hoseok was so tender with him, handling him like a treasure.

“I-” he moaned against his palm, unable to contain the sound, “I hoped to be ready for you before you changed your mind.”

“If you pay attention you can see me twitch because you are fucking delicious,” Hoseok hissed and pushed his tongue inside his body, twitching right in his face. Hyungwon whimpered again, too loud for their current situation and leaned forward to cover the tip of Hoseok's erection with his lips, sucking whenever he felt particularly good. His nails dug into the older man's hips in the meantime, accompanying each new wave of arousal.

Again, the older man was eating him as if he was the most delicious ice cream, licking into his body and pulling his hips further against his tongue.

“More,” he dared to gasp before he shut himself up quickly. He was greedy, wanting more even though he wanted to be the one to drive Hoseok mad this time, to watch him lose his mind while Hyungwon rode him the way he had always wanted to. “God- forget it, I'm good, you can-”

Hoseok moved back for a split second that was accompanied by a wet sound as he felt a finger inside him, rubbing the sensitive spot, in addition to the tongue that joined, creating a combined sensation and driving him crazy as it could reach deeper.

Hyungwon moaned loudly, falling forward and resting his head on Hoseok's thigh, breathing heavily as he attempted to hold his breath to be quiet, to contain the sounds that threatened to escape him.

“Fuck, I can't- I can't think like this,” he murmured and shook his head, rubbing his nose over Hoseok's soft skin. “You'll make me- delirious.”

“Do you like it? Do you want me to continue?” Hoseok licked over another finger judging by the sounds and inserted it into his body, placing kisses all over his entrance while stabbing the spot.

Hyungwon groaned, nodding furiously as he struggled to shut up, teeth nibbling on Hoseok's thigh and right hand scratching over the older man's hip. He was close to delirium, overwhelmed by how good it felt even though it was only preparation, something to rush through and be done with.

_Everything he does drives you mad._

Hoseok was crazy, stretching him with two fingers and his tongue, knowing it would make the slide easier and less rough.

“You are delicious, so so delicious,” the low voice vibrated against his entrance before the hot tongue entered his body again.

“I want you,” Hyungwon breathed out, shaking in the older man's hold and moaning quietly. “I want you so much- please.”

_He made you beg._

His eyes widened and he froze, shocked that he hadn't even been able to monitor before the word left his lips, arousal burning through his veins and screaming at him to have more, to wrap himself around the older man and forget everything but the kisses and touches he blessed him with.

“Let me- let me ride you,” he tried again, erection twitching from another stab against his prostate as he attempted to contain his moans by biting down on his index finger and knuckle.

“Was it enough? You can try it out and if it’s still uncomfortable we can play some more, okay?” Hoseok pulled out his fingers carefully, before licking over his entrance and placing a kiss on top of it.

“Okay,” he murmured, overwhelmed by how much Hoseok cared. Again, there was so much talking, questions and concerns instead of hungry eyes that ripped the clothes and protection from his chest. Hyungwon's thighs trembled as he turned around and sat down on Hoseok's lap again, breathing heavily and struggling to return his composure. He was a moaning mess, but he didn't feel judged for it. Rather the opposite as black eyes travelled over his face and his body, showing how much the older man had been holding back all this time.

_He's just as affected as you are._

“I keep underestimating the way I make you feel,” he murmured and grabbed the bottle of lube, squeezing more on his palm and covering the older man's thick erection with it. Only when his thumb rubbed over the exposed tip, did he realize that they hadn't grabbed a condom.

“Is it- is it okay like this?” he asked, embarrassed about asking because he couldn't imagine anybody wanting to go for it without a condom. But Hoseok was also somebody who enjoyed tasting him, so Hyungwon had no idea what to expect apart from his extensive negative experiences.

Wide eyes looked back at him; surprise combined with something Hyungwon wasn’t able to read.

“Do you want me without?” Hoseok murmured, one hand reaching for his arm and stroking along it as if to make sure that he was aware.

“We don't have to, I mean- I could lube you up again. As you like,” he babbled, feeling even more embarrassed with all that attention. He sounded like an idiot, that must have been why he never talked during sex and just got it over with.

_He probably forgot like you did, why would he suddenly fuck you bareback?_

“I usually don't have sex without a condom,” Hoseok replied, voice low and fingers squeezing his upper arm. “So I’m clean.”

“Right, sure- sorry,” Hyungwon mumbled quickly, aware what a stupid question that was. Of course, Hoseok never fucked anybody without a condom; he only had one-night stands with random models. Hyungwon also didn't let anyone have him without a condom, there was no point in his sudden hesitation and desire to feel the black-haired man like that.

_Get a grip._

Chewing on his cheek, he stared at the wrinkled sheets next to Hoseok’s head and waited for the right moment to reach for the bedside table in the hope that it had condoms and Hoseok wouldn't judge him for asking.

“Changed your mind? It’s okay, you don’t need to trust me.” There was a smile on the familiar face, soft fingers cupping his chin and lifting it a bit. “It’s your body, I don’t want you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

_He gave you his permission._

Hyungwon stared, unable to believe that the black-haired man was fine with it, willing to sleep with him like lovers did, trusting each other. Hoseok had even confirmed that he was safe, no risk for Hyungwon to be with.

“You're- you're okay with it? I'm sorry, I thought you- told me that you never do it,” he explained, feeling less ashamed when their gazes met. It felt okay when he could see Hoseok's reaction, the genuine affection in the black eyes.

Inhaling slowly, he returned his hand to the older man's erection and stroked over it again, rubbing over the lube and precum covered tip.

“It was the reasoning for why I’m clean, but I can also show you a test, it’s three weeks old.” Hoseok pointed at his desk in question. “Do you want to see it?”

Hyungwon shook his head, surprised that he didn't. There was no need to see it, none at all.

_Because you trust him._

Swallowing, he lifted his hips and sat up, aligning the older man's erection with his lower body and sliding the tip over his entrance to add a little bit of lube.

“I trust you,” he whispered as he tightened the muscles in his thighs to sink down while attempting to relax at the same time. Hoseok was a lot to take, but seeing the way the gorgeous lips parted and the older man's eyes widened made it worth it, every second. It was easier than the first time, a courtesy of the black-haired man's preparation and the arousal that burned in his groin.

Hoseok wanted to say something but let out a breathy moan instead, obviously holding back due to their location and situation. The warm fingers stroked over his thighs and there wasn’t a single second without the black eyes observing him.

It felt different without a condom, warmer and smoother, like there was less resistance as he moved and he could feel every vein against his rim. Hyungwon wanted to keep his composure, so he didn't lean back yet, carefully rolling his hips and avoiding the spot that could make him scream in pleasure. He had control like this, the ability to watch Hoseok and make him feel good.

Relaxing further, he sank all the way down until their thighs touched, breathless from the fullness and how easy it was to stimulate himself with Hoseok's size.

“Fuck,” he gasped and let it show, everything that Hoseok might have wanted to see. His desire to impress, the vulnerability at riding him bare, the worry about what would happen after, his hesitation to let go and drown in pleasure like last time. Hyungwon revealed it all while contracting around the black-haired man and pulling his thighs together, making it even tighter.

“You might not know my favorite color, but you know oh so well what you have to show for me to become weak, you’re glowing,” Hoseok whispered, rapid breaths giving out the other man’s state. He noticed that the muscular body didn’t move an inch, waiting for him to start, set up the pace, be in control. Only the broad chest rose and fell while the blackness of his eyes took Hyungwon in and didn’t let go.

“Blue,” Hyungwon murmured as he carefully lifted his hips, thighs remaining pressed together and making it a little more difficult to move. But he knew that it felt mind-blowing, like he was keeping the black-haired man captured and didn't allow him to leave. Hyungwon wished he could have done that apart from the connection between their bodies. “Your favorite color is blue, like the shirt that I stole.”

The curved mouth parted in a low moan, eyes rolling back and fingers tightening in his thighs.

“Then I guess I’m the only clueless one.”

“You never asked,” Hyungwon replied quietly, still hesitant about talking and sharing his thoughts. His body was screaming at him to change the angle because it remembered perfectly how good it had felt, but he wanted to drive Hoseok mad first, see him lose his composure and moan.

_But he said that he's fueled the most by your pleasure._

He ignored the thought and sped up, sliding down the black-haired man's length in smooth motions and breathing heavily at the stretch and the tease of how pleasurable it could be. Hyungwon loved the way the veins felt whenever he moved, sending shivers down his spine and making his thighs contract. The best part was the expression on Hoseok's face though, the black eyes that observed him and every exhale that left his lungs.

_He could steal your breath away so easily, with a single roll of his hips, hands holding onto your hipbones to keep you in place._

Hyungwon's dick twitched at the thought and he pushed his thighs even closer, attempting to conceal it belatedly.

“You look as if your thoughts are more of a turn on than what’s happening,” Hoseok whispered, stopping his motions with the strong grip on his thighs.

“But it might not be for you,” he replied quietly, attempting to move up again but unable to because of the other man's strength. He really didn't mean to show it, but even that resulted in a twitch, revealing how much he liked it.

_You can't expect him to believe you when your body speaks the truth._

“Can I move?” Again, Hoseok asked even though he could have simply done it in his position.

His thighs were trembling in anticipation as he nodded, attention focused on Hoseok's and his expression. Hyungwon needed to make sure the black-haired man loved it, that he was the one losing it this time. A sharp inhale followed and Hoseok curled his fingers around his hipbones, rolling his hips and his body at the same time, low, desperate moan muffled by the older man’s attempts to be quiet.

_He likes it, the way he moves you._

The pleasure was like an electric shock that passed through his whole body, beginning in his groin and pulling a low scream from his lips. Hyungwon wasn't able to resist and immediately pushed back with his hips, gasping at how good it felt to have Hoseok stimulating the sensitive spot inside of him. He couldn't be loud, not at the older man's apartment, so he covered his mouth with his palm and whimpered, muffling the sound by slipping two fingers between his lips.

“I’m losing my sanity when you’re like this,” Hoseok moaned and repeated the motion, thrusting inside him and moving his hips to meet the thrust.

Again, he screamed, but this time around the digits inside his mouth. His whole body trembled from the pleasure and his dick twitched from the simulation, showing how much his body loved every motion. Hyungwon couldn't bear the break and attempted to push back, to roll his hips over the spot while keeping Hoseok completely buried inside of him. The expression on the older man's face only made him want it more.

“Go faster,” he mumbled before shutting himself up again, aroused by the hands that held him in place and the way Hoseok's muscles flexed with each hip thrust. It was perfect, fucking perfect because he could see it and feel it all at the same time. “Make me feel more of you.”

He could feel Hoseok’s response inside of him shortly before it was visible on the handsome face. Sweat collected on the pale forehead and the older man looked so incredibly attractive under him, moving his hips and moaning his name.

“Turn around and lay on your back, I will go faster then.” Hoseok lifted him carefully, making sure he wasn’t hurt or unwilling to leave the warm lap.

_He's always so considerate._

Hyungwon hated how susceptible he was to the affection, willing to do everything and anything as long as those warm hands stroked over his back and Hoseok asked him with that soft voice of his.

There was no reason to hate it though, not when he wanted everything the older man was offering. He resisted simply dropping down on Hoseok's lap again, to return the pleasure he was becoming addicted to. Biting down on his bottom lip, he lay down and lifted his legs, hugging his thighs. He felt exposed, so he focused on the older man's groin to distract from his thoughts that told him he shouldn't have eaten Choux.

“Fuck.” A hiss sounded in the silence while Hoseok sat on the bed instead of leaning over him and taking his legs. Shifting closer, the older man patted his thick thighs that he arranged on each side of his body. “You can let your legs rest on mine, the position might seem weird, but the angle is… let's say worth it.” Smiling a little, Hoseok took more lube and stroked over his prominent erection, rock hard and such a turn on. Hyungwon loved the way it looked without a condom, every twitch visible just like the pearl of precum at the tip.

“I'll never get used to how much you talk,” he replied and smiled back, encouraged by how easily Hoseok reacted to him. Hyungwon slipped a little lower on the bed and threw his legs over the older man's thighs, curious where this was going. The muscular chest and the gorgeous way in which the black-haired man’s abs contracted distracted his eyes. “Shit, fuck me.”

“If you knew how much I want this,” Hoseok breathed out in reply, lifting his lower body a little higher and pushing himself inside him with a muffled moan. The older man's hips were on the same level as his and the angle was heaven, fullness making him dizzy and the way Hoseok twitched against the right spot astounded him. Now he only needed to move.

“Does it feel alright?” the low voice asked instead, sliding in and out a tiny bit while watching his reaction.

“If-” Hyungwon began and saw how the muscles in his thighs tensed, body shaking to contain the loud screams he wanted to produce, “if you don't move, I'll have to kick you in the face. Fuck.”

“Your violence gets me going.” Hoseok grinned and leaned back on his arms, gaze focused on his face and moving sensually, slowly before it got faster and the black haired man slammed his hips into his body, trying to contain his low moans and how his eyes rolled back, unable to focus.

Hyungwon screamed, followed by profanities and curses until he covered his mouth with both of his palms, whimpering loudly and rubbing his hair over the pillow. It felt amazing, so good that his vision kept turning white and he forgot about his surroundings, feeling nothing but the burning pleasure in his groin. He didn't want it to stop, the smooth but firm motions, the bliss, the expression on the older man's face.

“Fuck-” he hissed, gasping for air while Hoseok fucked his brains out, “fucking hell, please.” His hands reached for the muscular thighs to get a grip, scratching along them and creating new red lines that added to the sounds that Hoseok attempted to quieten.

“Yes, fuck, just like that, you look fucking breathtaking when you lose yourself,” the black-haired man managed to press out in between the rough breaths. The sweat ran down his temples, glistening on his neck and chest and strong arms pulled him further down making him feel even fuller with each thrust. Hoseok used one hand to massage his balls. “Do you…” he started, licking over his lips and inhaling once again, “...want me to touch you?”

_No, you want him to move as he likes._

Hyungwon wanted to kick him, just so he would finally go ahead and stop asking him questions he didn't have the strength to answer. Shaking his head quickly, he tried to push back more and make sure the older man felt just as incoherent as he did, dizzy with pleasure and the desire to be handled like a ragdoll. He hated it, but when it was Hoseok, he wanted the black-haired man to go ahead and move without asking him, driving him mad.

“Shut up and fuck me,” he gasped, nails scratching over Hoseok's thighs again. Hyungwon was losing it, breathless and barely able to hold back. “Shit, I love it when you go deep so much, can't you just- god, I'm going crazy.”

“Deep? You could go on all fours.” Hoseok slowed down as if on purpose and rolled his hips in a sensual way, definitely not meant to mercilessly stab where it felt good. “Or lie on your stomach and lift your ass in the air.”

“I want to see your face,” Hyungwon exclaimed and whimpered at the disappearing pleasure. He wanted to kick again, to make Hoseok move and return the sensation, the dizziness that he already missed. His body was burning but it wasn't enough, not at all.

Using his grip on Hoseok's thighs, he pushed his hips forward, enough to feel most of Hoseok's length buried inside of him, lips releasing a low moan again.

“Don't do this to me,” he mumbled and slapped Hoseok's right thigh, impatient to feel more. “Do it like I know you want to.”

“I'm going to bend you in half,” the black-haired man replied eventually and took his thighs, lifting them up and placing them on top of his muscular shoulders. A pillow was stuffed under his lower back and Hoseok leaned forward, bending him until their lips met. “Tell me if you want me to stop,” he whispered, starting off slowly, before the movements got rough, stabbing right where it felt good and accompanied by the handsome pleasure-stricken face.

Hyungwon felt delirious, unaware of the screams that left his lips, caught by kisses and his own palm that he barely managed to bite into. He felt light like a feather, floating in between mind-blowing pleasure and desperate kisses. He didn't want it to end, never, but the burning in his groin strengthened with each thrust, with each moan that was caught between their lips and each tug on the black-haired man's hair.

“Please,” he begged even though he didn't know what he was begging for as his whole body tensed, contracting around Hoseok's length inside of him and he released himself between them, muffling his scream by biting down in his index and middle finger.

The movements slowed down while Hoseok fucked him through his orgasm, breathless but so attentive still.

“You look stunning, like an opening bud.”

_He's always so aware, even when he's losing himself in pleasure._

“I only open for you,” Hyungwon murmured, too blissed out to filter his thoughts before they left his lips. “I want you to come inside me.”

_You want to see him lose control._

Hoseok cursed quietly, firm erection twitching inside his body as a silent hint that the older man liked the prospect. Leaning in, Hoseok connected their lips while the broad hips moved faster, filling him out and stabbing against the sensitive spot, stimulating him. He was always easily fueled after an orgasm, gasping softly with each motion. Hoseok's dark eyes stayed on his face when the blush spread further on the pale, sweat-covered cheeks and Hoseok moaned his name, right into his face, sharp exhale hitting his lips and black eyes rolling back, accompanied by muscle tension and sudden relaxation. The older man's hips stuttered while his erection twitched repeatedly inside him, lips trying to find his.

Hyungwon immediately initiated the kiss, wrapping his arms around Hoseok's neck and pulling him close, contracting around the older man from the sensation of heat spreading in his lower body. It felt unusual and intense to register the black-haired man's orgasm inside of him.

“Hoseok, I-” he whispered, not sure how else to express the sudden well of emotions that spilled over inside his chest. His legs crossed behind Hoseok's back and he held the older man as tightly as he could, unwilling to let go. “I need you.”

His heart was beating furiously as he remembered the expression on the older man's face, the affection and vulnerability that he showed him. It immediately returned Hyungwon's desire to wrap himself around the older man, to stroke over his hair and give him everything he needed to be happy. Hyungwon didn't care what it was, he was going to do it as long as it meant he could return a smile to those curved lips.

His body was shaking as he observed the beautiful face, the delicate features, the black eyes that he was captivated by, the lips that he wanted to kiss. Staring at everything he had ever wanted, he finally understood the lie that had left his lips, not even realizing it.

_You don't only need him, Hyungwon._

He was in love.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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“Papa?” the quiet voice whispered and his eyes immediately widened, abandoning sleep and tiredness, everything at once.

_What is going on?_

Hoseok was inside his bedroom, bright light illuminating the space and sunrays reflecting against the golden skin of the person next to him.

_You fucked him with your child inside the apartment, you fucking bastard._

He had no time to look at how beautiful Hyungwon was; instead, he covered the black-haired man with a blanket and slipped into his bathrobe. Hurrying to the door, he turned the key and opened it, immediately spotting his daughter on the floor in front of the door.

“Why is it closed? I thought you left, I thought you closed the door and left,” Choux sobbed quietly.

_Fuck._

Crouching down, he thanked his brain for putting on underwear before falling asleep and pulled his daughter into a tight hug, stroking over her black, silky hair and humming into her ear to calm her down.

“I didn't leave, I was here, I forgot to unlock it, Choux. It's fine, I would never leave you. Never ever. I promised, you're my one and only.” The sobbing continued for a few more moments, until the tiny body relaxed in his arms and he felt the girl's round chin on his shoulder. It was quiet for a few moments before the girl started speaking.

“Who is that?” the rough voice murmured in his ear, as his daughter pointed at something inside his room.

_Hyungwon._

“Ah, that's-” he began, attempting to come up with an explanation, to lie that Hyungwon had some bad dreams and came over to sleep in his bed. This whole situation was a mess and Amelie was having many more breakdowns than usual. Her shoulders shook and he felt tears hit his skin.

“M-Mom?”

His lungs clenched and he tried to inhale more air, but it didn't work. It was as if his body rejected anything that kept him composed, able to answer, to reply with something that would stop his child from being ripped apart by what happened, from the memories that haunted her, from the longing for a person who decided to leave their lives. From the things, he had forced onto a small child, destroying her childhood.

“It's not. It's not mom,” he whispered, swallowing the tears that collected in his eyes. Lifting the girl, he walked towards the living room, letting himself fall on top of the couch and curling his arms tighter around the slim body. “It's Hyungwon, your friend, remember? He wanted to sleep in my bed because he felt lonely. Is it okay that I let him?” he asked, stroking over the wet cheeks and placing kisses against them.

“I thought it was mom. Do you think she remembers me?” Amelie rarely talked about Sarah, mostly because she knew that the topic hurt him, but it must have been hard on her lately. “The kids told me a dad can't replace a mom and that I must've done something bad for her to leave. Did I? Was it my fault?” The sobbing continued and he couldn't hold back, tears rolling down his cheeks no matter how hard he had tried to suppress them.

“It was never your fault. It was my fault. Mom didn't like the way… I am. That's why she left. She wanted to take you along, but I was allowed to keep you with me instead. I don't know what I would do if you weren't here with me. I'm so happy.”

“Are you? Why do you look so sad then? You look as if you're unhappy and Hyungwon can see it too. Is it my fault?” There were more tears that the girl rubbed off on the fabric of his bathrobe, snuggling into his chest to hide her face.

“It's because I'm sad that you're sad. Only then. Otherwise I'm the happiest person alive, I promise.” Lifting his pinky finger, he waited for the tiny hand to lift too, validating his promise. “Tell me what those moms can do, I'll do it all, but better.” Hoseok smiled and stroked over his daughter’s hair and fixing her pajamas.

“Is Hyungwon asleep?” the high voice asked all of a sudden.

“He is. Do you want to take a picture when he wakes up? It's a really nice moment, I bet you can do an amazing job, but we have to be really quiet, okay?” Hoseok acted secretive, grabbing one of the cameras that was not too heavy and gave it to his daughter, selecting the right setting and focus before tiptoeing towards the bedroom and stopping in front of the incredibly handsome face that was definitely that of a sleeping person.

_How can be be so fucking beautiful?_

“I'll tickle his foot and you take a few pictures as soon as his eyes start moving or open, okay?” Hoseok sincerely hoped that Hyungwon wouldn't kick him out, start cursing, or something similarly child unfriendly.

Lifting the blanket from the slim foot, he watched as his daughter’s small face disappeared behind the camera, before stroking from the heel towards the toes. Hyungwon jerked at the touch, pulling his long leg away and pouting his lips in an attempt to disappear in the depths of the pillow. The gorgeous man wasn't fully awake yet, still relaxed and not attempting to straighten his back or hide his cheeks. He was so incredibly attractive, especially when he didn't pay attention to his form.

“He is so cute,” Choux whispered before taking a picture while he tried his luck with the other foot.

Another jerk followed as Hyungwon's eyes opened suddenly, wide and beautiful as the black-haired man attempted to make sense of his surroundings. Hoseok treasured the time it took for Hyungwon to understand where he was and that Amelie was right in front of him with a camera. The gorgeous lips spread in a wide smile as the younger man blinked a few more times.

“Good morning, Amelie,” he whispered and straightened his back. “Morning pictures are a family treasure I see.”

“We needed some distraction, so I thought your morning face was a good idea.” Hoseok rubbed his eyes in a desperate attempt to mask that he had been crying. “Choux takes amazing pictures.”

“I'm sure she takes after you,” Hyungwon whispered, observing him intently until he smiled again and spread his arms. “Do I at least get a group hug after showing my sponge face? And no morning breath in my nose, thank you in advance.”

“I brushed my teeth, duh,” Choux exclaimed and put the camera on the desk before jumping on top of the bed and most likely hurting Hyungwon's private parts.

“Welcome to my life,” Hoseok commented, before the weight of his words suddenly hit him out of nowhere and he silenced himself, eyes focused on the blanket that covered the beautiful black-haired man.

Hyungwon laughed loudly and wrapped his arms around Choux, expertly hiding the fact that he probably wanted to wince in pain. Shifting a little, the black-haired man stretched out his right arm and smiled.

“Want to join?”

“Intriguing, but I'd rather prepare breakfast,” he whispered and turned around, escaping into the kitchen, hallway, living room, somewhere he didn't need to show his feelings about the mess that his life had become.

_What are you even doing, Hoseok?_

He wished he knew how having ‘Choux’s friend’ over turned into him fucking Hyungwon's brains out along with his own, his daughter’s tearful breakdown and the sudden calmness of cuddling in bed. All of it would end as soon as Hyungwon stepped out of the door.

_It's an illusion, a moment uncaptured, fading away, slipping through your fingers._

Suddenly the memory from last night visited him, big eyes full of emotion and lips whispering a desperate ‘I need you’.

He could hear Amelie laugh from the bathroom, followed by a low male voice that began to sing the Frozen soundtrack. It didn't take long for his daughter to join in, giggling in between. The situation resembled a movie again, happiness that took place out of his sight, echoing in his head while he stood alone in the kitchen.

The sound of naked feet on wooden floors, smooth and elegant, announced Hyungwon's presence before he appeared in the doorframe, dressed in one of Hoseok's t-shirts and underwear.

“Overwhelmed?” the low voice asked.

“Devastated,” he murmured truthfully and arranged the plates on the table, putting the third one next to Amelie's. “I thought you only run around without clothes when you want to impress.”

“I'm wearing clothes,” Hyungwon pointed out and gestured at his chest. “It's what I managed to pull over my body before I was forced to grab my Elsa toothbrush and allow the Frozen sisters to reunite. It was an emotional scene as you can imagine.”

The black-haired man was still smiling when he stepped closer and placed his palm on Hoseok's shoulder, squeezing a little.

“What happened?”

“Nothing,” he lied, brushing his hair back and hoping that it also brushed the expression from his face. “Are you hungry? Or let me paraphrase; does your body need food to function?”

It was quiet for a few moments as he felt eyes on him, attempting to see through the layers he had piled up again the more time passed.

“Liar,” Hyungwon whispered, ignoring his question and letting go of his shoulder. The coffee-colored eyes observed him for a little longer until a sigh left the plump lips. “Don't worry; I'm going to leave soon. I prefer that over being implicitly thrown out.”

Not meeting his gaze anymore, Hyungwon left through the kitchen door, closing it behind him even though it wasn't necessary.

“W-wait,” he muttered, rushing after the younger man. Instead of him he met his daughter, who looked completely lost and stared up at him with her big blue eyes. Damn it.

_You can't fight, she'll cry._

“Hyungwon really wanted to eat Choux, but we don’t have any. Do you mind running down and buying some for you and for him?” He fumbled with his wallet and put a twenty-euro bill into the small hand.

“Are you fighting?” his daughter asked, biting on her lips just like he always did. Their nervous gestures were the same.

“It’s… complicated. But it’s complicated because I like him so much,” he muttered truthfully, hoping that it was enough for the little girl to understand.

“You like him? Then tell him. I think he likes you too. You shouldn’t fight if you like each other.” Shaking her head, Amelie slipped into her shoes and took the key before leaving with a loud ‘au revoir’.

Swallowing, Hoseok moved in the direction of the bedroom, where he heard shuffling.

“Hyungwon?” he asked and knocked once. It felt strange to knock on his own bedroom door; it reminded him of the time when he fought with Sarah and she went there, only because she knew that it was his favorite place and he couldn’t use it anymore when she was angry at him and locked the door.

“Come in, it's your bedroom,” Hyungwon replied and Hoseok saw the younger man close the button of his jeans once he entered. “I'm only a guest, right?” A small smile spread Hyungwon's lips but it looked devastating. “If only you knew how fucked I am at this point, Hoseok.”

“Don’t… don’t leave. Don’t leave, please,” he whispered, stepping closer, but not too close, in case the black-haired man didn’t want him to. “I-” he began, staring at the ceiling that he knew by heart with how often he had looked at it during the past few years. It was almost like a repetition of the things that had happened before. Hurt, avoidance, trying to save something, failing. “I can’t handle this.”

Hyungwon's bottom lip trembled, but he was still smiling. The younger man stepped close enough to wrap his fingers around his upper arm, holding on.

“Can't you decide? Why do you act like you want to throw me out of your life with force if you want me to stay? It's hard, Hoseok. I keep hoping, but then you-” Hyungwon sucked his lips into his mouth and glanced to the side, fingers shaking a little.

“Tell me what you want and I will tell you if I am able to give it to you. Do you want to see me? Not act as if we don’t know each other? I can do that, but that’s not it, is it?” His hands were trembling too because he was scared of the answer, scared that it was something that he wanted but didn’t allow himself. “I don’t want to throw you out of my life. Do I look as if I could? I can’t, Hyungwon. I can’t fucking do it.”

The black-haired man hummed, stroking over the skin of his arm as he still avoided his gaze.

“I thought I knew what I wanted, but-” A deep breath followed, pulling the seconds for as long as Hyungwon held the air in his lungs. “But it changed after yesterday. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I wish I could- I want- ah, fuck.”

Hyungwon covered his eyes with his left hand, head still turned towards the ceiling and bit down on his bottom lip, body trembling. He looked vulnerable, unguarded and so beautiful.

“You know… this… my family… it’s the dearest thing to me, there is nothing more important than Amelie and I can’t deal with the fact that you’re infiltrating my thoughts, my actions, everything. I hate that you make me want you and think about you all the time. I should have sent you away, but I sent her to get pastries instead, so I could talk to you. I shouldn’t be doing this. I fucking shouldn’t, especially after ruining her family, making her mom leave and traumatizing her. I hate myself so much, if you knew.” Turning around, he walked out of the bedroom, tears welling in his eyes immediately. Hoseok hated himself. He really did.

Hyungwon didn't allow him the solitude, running after him and wrapping his long arms around his waist, holding him close. The black-haired man didn't turn them, letting him hide his tears by staring straight ahead, drops landing on the wooden floors next to his feet.

“If- if her mother had wanted to stay, she would have. Nothing you did could have been the sole reason for what happened,” the younger man murmured, lips brushing over his nape. “Can't you let me take some of your burden? Can't we… can't we share the loneliness?”

“She thought you were Sarah today. She saw you in my bed and thought you were her,” he whispered instead of a reply, tears falling like rain while he remained silent. He had learned how during the divorce. To cry without making a single sound.

“Shit, Hoseok,” Hyungwon muttered and turned him around, pressing his face into the crook of the younger man's neck. Long fingers brushed through his hair, stroking over his back and holding him close. Soft kisses covered the top of his head, affectionate and calm compared to the whirlwind in his chest. “I'm so sorry. I don't mean to be a replacement and I'm not trying to be her. I just- I want to be with you. Can't you let me?”

“I'm so fucking selfish about this. I…” He swallowed another wave of tears, trying to tell a lie that sounded most like the truth. “I like you so fucking much and I want you next to me but I don't know how this is supposed to work. I feel like everything is falling apart and I don't mean to hurt you, but you turn me into a mess, Hyungwon.”

The other man's arms tightened around him, pressing him flush against the slim body. Hyungwon didn't reply at first, inhaling the scent of his hair and stroking over his back.

“If you want me next to you, don't we want the same thing?” the low voice murmured carefully as Hyungwon's fingers stroked over his jaw and tilted it upwards to allow their eyes to meet. “If I'm the one turning you into a mess, I can be the one to pick you off the ground. You only need to let me, Hoseok.” Leaning in, the younger man's plump lips brushed over his, carefully deepening the kiss.

He kissed back instead of replying. It was easier.

_You are a coward._

***

_You can't say it._

Hyungwon had never struggled to lie whenever he wasn't ready to speak the truth, when he didn't want to reveal his real thoughts.

_However, you can't lie to him, not like this._

The whole night had been overwhelming, the affection Hoseok showed him, the intensity of the sex, the moments after, filled with gentle caresses and whispers. Hyungwon felt like he belonged throughout, like he was a part of the spacious apartment, welcome in the warm bed and accepted by the beautiful little girl that took pictures of his swollen face. There was no space to think, to worry about what was happening between him and Hoseok, none at all until he saw the wet trail of tears on the gorgeous face.

Hoseok had been crying, pushing him away and unwilling to share.

_Because Amelie thought, you were someone else, the one person that left her._

That was the moment when the dream broke, the impression that he could belong, fit right in with a bright smile on his face. He couldn't, because Hoseok didn't want him to, forcing him out by turning away and pretending there was nothing between them.

_You can't take it anymore._

He had reacted quickly, attempting to escape, to get dressed and run away to be able to cry in peace, without curious eyes seeing him break down. He wasn't able to, not with Hoseok falling apart right in front of him, tears running down his pale face and body shaking in his arms.

_You can't tell him how you feel, but how is he supposed to know what you want?_

Hyungwon didn't dare say it, to lay his feelings completely bare, but he felt like both of them wanted the same thing. He couldn't and didn't want to replace whatever had been Hoseok's family before, but he could catch the older man in his free fall, take some of the burden from him. It was possible, he knew that it was, the whole last night and early morning gave him the feeling that it was possible.

_You want him, no matter what._

He brushed over Hoseok's face, stroking over his cheek and tilting his head upward to be able to look at those black eyes, filled with tears and so painfully vulnerable. Hyungwon wanted to be tender, to show how much he cared and how much it meant, but his face wasn't enough, the vulnerability he showed couldn't say it all. So he bridged the distance and kissed the curved lips, soft and careful, tongue licking along the older man's bottom lip until he let it slip into the hot mouth.

Hoseok kissed back, holding onto his waist and letting out stuttered exhales after crying. There wasn’t a single sound but so so many tears.

“It's okay,” Hyungwon whispered and kept kissing those lips while his hands stroked over Hoseok's muscular back and silky black hair. “We will figure this out. It will be fine, I promise.”

There was nothing else he could have said. It wasn't a lie, not at all. He felt confident in his ability to support the black-haired man and help him up at his worst, the way he had back when Hoseok had met his ex-wife.

Hyungwon couldn't imagine the hurt that the older man and the little girl carried around with them, but he felt like he could help, could fill it with something else, replace it with better experiences.

_The way you spent his birthday with him._

“You only need to let me in,” he murmured against the parted lips, pressing their foreheads together in an attempt to be as close as possible.

“I did, don’t you realize?” the low voice whispered, before Hoseok put distance between them and rubbed over his face. “I’ll be in the bathroom for a bit.” Turning around the older man managed to disappear at the moment when the lock turned and the bright blue eyes peeked through the door crack carefully. Hyungwon inhaled sharply to return his composure instead of running after Hoseok and holding him close.

_She'll be scared, he must have sent her away._

Hyungwon was thankful that he hadn't given in to the urge to cry. A glance in the mirror only revealed slightly red eyes and a puffy face, the way he had expected it. He practiced his smile once before making his way towards Amelie, ready to return the gorgeous smile to her face.

_She was devastated in the morning because you took the place next to Hoseok._

“Welcome back, sunshine,” he said and crouched down to see what she carried in her hands. “I sent your dad to brush his teeth because bad breath is the worst. What did you buy?”

“Choux,” she whispered and he realized that she was hiding something behind her back. “I also bought a present for you and for dad. He said that he likes you a lot and that’s why it’s complicated and you fight, so I used up the change and bought you friendship bracelets.” Amelie stretched out her hand, holding two blue, woven bracelets in the small palm. “Here. I hope papa isn’t angry that I spent it.”

_She is doing a better job at keeping you together than both of you._

Hyungwon wanted to squeeze the little body with all his strength at the sudden explosion of emotions on his chest, but he was too afraid of hurting Amelie.

“Shit,” he cursed quietly and brushed through his messy hair, staring at the two bracelets. “He won't be angry, not at all. How could he be angry? This is- this is so thoughtful of you that I feel like crying happy tears, but I don't cry so- god, thank you, Amelie. Can I hug you?”

He was being embarrassing and irresponsible, unable to control his behavior, but he couldn't help it, not after seeing Hoseok cry and knowing how much the little girl suffered after losing her mom.

_You are changing everything, ripping their dyad apart._

Instead of replying, the small hand curled around the bracelets and the girl jumped, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“Please don’t fight. You shouldn’t if you like each other. You do like dad, right? I know he is a little strange sometimes and his eyes look scary, but he is the nicest person I know and way nicer than my friends. He always protects people he likes, so you can be sure that he will protect you too. He is so strong that he can probably lift both of us and the couch!”

Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip, so strongly that he tasted blood as his arms curled around Amelie and embraced her tightly. He was scared, scared of what was going to happen next, whether it was okay to feel the way he did. He knew that he was allowed to have feelings for whoever he liked, but Hoseok wasn't on his own. There was a small being that the black-haired man wanted to protect, the little girl that was the most important.

“I like him,” he whispered, not daring to say it any louder. “I like him so much that it hurts when I have to leave.”

_It's not only about you and him. That's what he meant._

“Oh, I like him so much that I cry every time he goes on a trip for work. Nevertheless, you are lucky because you see each other at work. I want to become a photographer too, so I can always come with him.” Amelie laughed and placed a kiss on his cheek. “Dad must be happy to have you too, because he doesn’t have any friends, only me.”

_But you’re not a friend, not at all._

Hyungwon wanted to cry, unsure how to share what he thought with a child, how to make her understand.

“Is it… is it okay for you? Is it okay that I like your dad? Is it okay to be hugged and to visit?” he forced out, still embracing Amelie and unwilling to let go. He didn't know how to say it, express it without turning it into the terrifying thought that it was in his head.

_You don't want her to think you are a replacement for her mom._

“Sure, you’re actually my friend, so of course you can visit. You are the first friend we share because Kihyun doesn’t count. He is family. We should go out together, to a super fancy restaurant I went with dad on my birthday. You have pretty clothes, so you will fit in there. Better than us.” The girl giggled after the flow of words. “I’m happy that you like my dad because he doesn’t have friends. Do you think it’s because he doesn’t want to? Or is it because people don’t like him, even though he is the best? They don’t understand because they don’t see him the way I see him. He is the best, you can trust me!” Amelie was promoting Hoseok better than the other man ever could.

_People don't look behind his shell._

“They don't see him the way I see him either,” Hyungwon replied with a soft smile and stroked over the girl's long, black hair, stopping at a pretty hair tie that collected the strands into a ponytail. “Amelie,” he began, struggling to put his complicated relationship to the girl's dad into words, to show how much he cared without intruding.

_Just tell her._

“What… what if I like your dad more than a friend does?”

There was lack of understanding on the child’s face, right before the bathroom door opened and Hoseok appeared, looking all smiley and not like he cried his eyes out. It was magical.

“Did you buy Choux? Hyungwon wanted to eat it so badly.” The older man came closer and crouched down next to them, taking the bakery bag from the floor where Amelie dropped it.

“Y-yeah,” Hyungwon stuttered, considering pinching Hoseok's thigh with as much strength as he could muster once they were alone. “I'm not allowed to eat it, but when you buy it, it tastes the best.” He felt awkward about his confession and the fact that Amelie hadn't understood him, not with the cryptic way that he attempted to explain it.

“Look, I got you both friendship bracelets, now you can wear them and remind yourself that you shouldn’t fight because you actually like each other.” The beautiful girl took her father’s hand and carefully tied the bracelet around his broad wrist. She couldn't see it, but Hoseok’s face said it all, emotions overflowing and nervous gestures taking over to mask it.

“Thank you. That’s really thoughtful of you and it’s my favorite color too.” Turning towards him, Hoseok licked over his lips briefly and inhaled once, probably to calm himself down. “What’s your favorite color?”

“Black,” he replied, brushing through his hair to mask his own feelings, the realization that even the eight-year-old girl next to him was telling them to treasure what they had. She didn't know, but it meant so much. Licking over his lips, he finally lifted his gaze and met Hoseok's while stretching out his bony wrist. “Would you tie it for me?”

“Yes! I would love to,” Amelie exclaimed and took the second bracelet, tying it around his wrist. “Wow, your wrist looks as if dad could break it. I mean, he could probably break any wrist; I can remember how he broke a chair because he lifted it and slammed it against the floor. I wasn’t there, but I got told it looked scary. But-” Suddenly the big eyes widened, as if the girl realized that it hadn’t been the smartest thing to say. “But he would never do that to a person, he isn’t violent at all, only nice and funny. He only does sports to be healthy, not to hurt anybody. Right, papa?”

Hoseok stared before lifting both hands to his temples and rubbing furiously.

“Depends,” he hissed, but opened his eyes again, watching how his daughter tied the friendship bracelet around his wrist. “It suits you, even if it isn’t black.”

“I like blue too, like the shirt that I still have.” Hyungwon didn't know why he mentioned it, pointing out that there was still something of Hoseok's that he had kept without any intentions of returning it. He had been desperate back then, convinced that it might end up being the only thing that remained once they were forced to part ways. “Hoseok is only violent when he needs to protect someone. He's saved me before.”

_That time he pulled the photographer off you. She said he only does it with people he likes._

“Oh, will you do a sleepover at Hyungwon’s place when I’m on my class trip next week? I don’t want to go, I want to be with you both. You have to promise that we do a sleepover at Hyungwon’s house when I’m back.” The girl patted his wrist with the bracelet and placed her hands on her hips, striking a pose.

“I-” Hoseok didn’t know what to say, glancing at him and at his daughter in succession.

“Yeah, that was our plan,” Hyungwon lied quickly, chewing on his cheek. “We don't want your dad to be alone, right? Last time I came to visit to keep him company.” Last time had been Hoseok's birthday, but he decided not to mention that. He wanted the black-haired man to come to him, to share the loneliness for as long as they were able to.

_It might be your only opportunity to talk to him properly, to have enough time to figure this out._

Swallowing, Hoseok nodded, before glancing at his bracelet.

“We will go together if Hyungwon invites us,” the older man murmured before getting back on his feet and pointing at the kitchen. “Let’s eat?”

Hyungwon observed the expression on the older man's face, the insecurity in addition to the attempts to normalize the situation, to remain composed. It was admirable how easily Hoseok was able to transition from the emotional wreck that had cried in his arms to the calm man in front of him. Hyungwon wished he could have helped the transition somehow, shown that he cared.

_He won't be able to avoid you anymore, not with that bracelet and those attentive blue eyes watching him._

Hyungwon stood up, playing with the bracelet around his wrist as his eyes settled on the one that Amelie was wearing, his first present for the little girl.

“You're still wearing the bracelet I gave you,” he whispered, overwhelmed that she had treasured it.

“Of course I do, that’s a given. You have to wear yours too.” Jumping up, the little girl kissed the piece of jewelry that he gave her and ran after her father, humming some French song.

Hyungwon looked after them, wondering whether he could make Hoseok his, become a part of the other man life, even though he was only stranger who cared too much.

_Aren't you too greedy?_

_

“Have you thought about getting your own apartment?” Hyungwon asked quietly, twirling the red wine in his glass and observing his sister who was fixing her bangs in the mirror, dressed in a nightgown. The longer he observed the black-haired woman the more he wondered whether he was the same from the outside, constantly looking for confirmation in the mirror instead of looking around.

“Why would I if I have a brother with a big apartment in Paris?” Hyungjoo replied and pouted at the mirror, obviously dissatisfied with her reflection. “Are you growing tired of me? I had to take care of you for much longer than the two months I've been here.”

_She is right._

Hyungwon sighed and threw his head back, unsure how to argue against her guilt trips.

“But I wasn't able to take care of myself. I'm pretty sure that you are, even if you constantly break the rules and get fired. It was the same again, wasn't it? No private offers for clients.” He rarely addressed it, but curiosity got the better of him. Usually his sister mentioned the argument or the basic reason for being forced to charge jobs, but she hasn't said a single word since her arrival.

Hyungjoo’s face fell and she froze in front of the mirror, hiding her expression by turning so that her black hair covered her face.

“It wasn't,” she replied suddenly and grabbed one of the many creams she had assembled on the makeup table in his bedroom, applying it furiously. “I haven't broken any goddamn rules. I just lived like a fucking human for once and they didn't like it.”

Hyungwon straightened his back at the outburst, sitting up and observing the slim frame as it moved with quick steps, attempting to mask that the topic was much more emotional than his sister wanted to show him.

_You have never seen her like this._

“Hyungjoo,” he began, but she continued to fumble with makeup, dropping the small bottle because control was slipping through her fingertips. Jumping up from the bed, he placed his wine on the table and grabbed the woman’s shoulders. “Hyungjoo, just tell me what happened.”

“God, you make it sound major, but it's not. It's just a guy, okay? I liked a guy and it didn't go very well,” she muttered quickly and attempted to remove his hands and occupy herself with skincare products and whatever else she wanted to use as an excuse. “I met him outside of work once and they fired me.”

Hyungwon stared, surprised that his sister had for once broken the rules concerning entering into a relationship instead of offering her services. There had not once been a time he had seen her like somebody enough to meet apart from work, of her own accord.

“Why didn't it go so well?” he asked quietly, keeping his hands in place and pulling his sister a little closer, shocked by how emotional she seemed. It scared him a little. Hyungjoo had never been somebody to be overly emotional, mostly calculated and manipulative, skilled at getting what she wanted. Hyungwon had learned from the best.

“The same fucking reason I'm telling you to stay away from that guy and now let go.” His sister slapped his hands away and threw down a few more bottles, hurrying out of the room with shaky steps. She had drunk too much wine to be stable. Hyungwon followed quickly, worried that she was going to hurt herself, too emotional to pay attention.

_What does she mean? The man was married._

“Tell me about it,” he murmured and held onto her wrist, keeping her from bruising her hip on one of the table corners.

“There is nothing to tell, Hyungwon. It's the same fucking thing. He was nice, said I'm pretty on the inside, said he loves me and convinced me to meet in private. I got fired and thought he'd take me in, but he has a whole fucking family to take care of and there's no space for me. That's why you should stay with your own family, Hyungwon. They are the only ones who care, the only ones.” Hyungjoo was shaking with sobs as she slipped to the ground, scratching over his forearm in the process to make him let go. Hyungwon winced but didn't, watching her in shock and at a loss of words. He had never seen her like this, devastated despite her attempts to pretend that everything was fine.

_She wasn't, she drank every night, even after you went to bed, but you didn't pay attention._

Hyungwon didn't dare tell her that his situation wasn't the same, that Hoseok didn't use him for his pleasure. The black-haired man was too scared for that, terrified of coming closer, hurting Amelie with their relationship. It wasn't comparable, not at all, but he couldn’t do that to Hyungjoo. Instead he only nodded and kneeled down next to her, embracing her slim shoulders and patting her back, feeling absolutely useless.

_You're useless when people cry, unsure what to do to make it better._

“It's because he couldn't really see it,” he murmured, stroking over Hyungjoo’s back. “They can say whatever they want, but once somebody can see the core you will be able to tell. I promise.”

Big eyes looked up at him, filled with tears and hurt as Hyungwon realized how lucky he was, how fucking lucky he was that he had met somebody who saw past everything that was supposed to make his life easy but ended up being absolutely meaningless.

_How could you give up now?_

He couldn't.

_

“Amazing, just like that!”

Hyungwon didn't smile despite the praise and kept his expression, head tilted back and casually leaning against the brightly painted wall. It was a pictorial for a good cause and he was grateful that the team was as motivated as the donors had been so far. Through the pictures, he had hoped to motivate even more people.

_You are only doing this because it's to help kids._

He might not have considered doing it before, but the thirteen messages in his beeper had convinced him as soon as he had mentioned the offer to Amelie. Hyungwon didn’t consider himself to be weak, but as soon as the little girl asked him for something he wasn't able to resist. Only a few days had passed since he'd left Hoseok's apartment and returned to his own, suddenly aware of how different the loneliness felt when it was just him. It had only been a single night, but leaving felt like abandoning everything he knew.

“I love the yearning,” the photographer commented again, pulling Hyungwon from his thoughts and calling a finish to the shoot with a bright smile. Hyungwon froze for the first two seconds until he snapped out of it and thanked the whole team one by one, smiling at everybody on his way to the dressing room. He was exhausted but mostly because he was starving and hadn't slept much, spending most of the night calming down his sister and reestablishing her self-esteem.

_That's what you have in common, the outside can't compensate for what's missing on the inside._

It was early afternoon and Hyungwon still had a lot of the day left, but he felt like collapsing on the floor and not moving for the next five hours. The stylist gave him an apologetic smile and helped him to slip out of the complex attire, cut interestingly, but a pain in the ass to take off.

_You miss him but it's only been a few days. You can't be this greedy, Hyungwon._

After he was done and looked as if someone had wrung the life out of him, he walked out.

“Hey,” a painfully familiar low voice commented behind him. Hyungwon’s breath hitched at the sheer possibility that it could be the man he wanted to see the most. He didn't allow himself the hope though, plastering a neutral expression on his face as he turned and hoped it wasn't anybody who would judge him for wearing less makeup than usual. He had grown tired of it.

Instead of somebody, his gaze met familiar black eyes, taking him in like good wine. Hoseok was wearing a blue t-shirt, tucked in black suit pants and hair styled up. Attractive was an understatement.

_Why is he here?_

“Hey,” he murmured, unable to look away and just as unable to come closer and wrap his arms around the older man's neck the way he wanted to.

“Do you have some free time? Like… right now?”

Hyungwon swallowed as he furiously attempted to figure out his schedule. It was pointless because there was no way he could deny the offer; even if there had been a place, he needed to be.

“Yeah,” he replied quietly, barely resisting the urge to step closer, “I do.”

“Would you… be up for spending some of that time with me? I wanted to invite you for coffee.” Hoseok smiled shyly, hands in the pockets of his pants and tongue sliding over the curved lips.

_He came to spend time with you, all that way to take you out for coffee._

Hyungwon's heartbeat sped up and for a brief moment he worried that Hoseok would be able to see the change in his posture, the sudden happiness that occupied his chest and made him want to kiss every inch of the black-haired man's face.

_He could break it so easily._

“That's- that's amazing. I'd love to, definitely,” he answered and finally dared to leave only a meter between them, feeling heat spread in his cheeks even though it was ridiculous.

“I'm glad it worked out, I was prepared for you to be ridiculously busy, but seeing you, coming was worth it.” Again, there was a smile, shyness showing in the older man's face, before he glanced at him, gaze taking in his features just like he knew it from before. “I parked right in front of the building. It’s a bit of a drive.”

_The two of you are so awkward like this, why don't you know how to act?_

Hyungwon nodded, skipping the comment that he looked like a freshly squeezed orange.

_That's not what he's seeing._

He smiled and treasured the excitement in his chest, unable to remember the last time he had been so on edge just because of a cup of coffee.

_But it's with him, that's what matters._

“Not even when you invited me for Choux was I completely without makeup. You have a sixth sense for this, don't you?” he joked and smoothly reached out to wrap his right arm around Hoseok's elbow, holding on.

“I was just hoping that I'd be on time and that you would have some free time, that's basically it. Amelie told me about the shoot, so at least I didn't need to go that far with stalking.” Hoseok walked out, letting him hold onto his arm and unlocked the car that was definitely not ‘parked’. It was more of a ‘standing on the pedestrian walk’ kind of parking.

_He was in a hurry to see you._

“You still have a long way until you reach my stalking skills, cadet,” Hyungwon joked and reluctantly let go of Hoseok's arm to slip onto the passenger seat. “Smooth parking.”

Hyungwon felt a little superior and mostly excited because of all the signs that Hoseok showed, revealing how much he cared. That was until his stomach began grumbling and he remembered that he had been close to starving and collapsing from exhaustion.

“I see we need to change plans.” The older man looked thoughtful, turning on the engine and pulling the car out with smooth movements. “Then we will do my favorite cafe next time, let's go for shrimp. You said you like shrimp, right?”

Hyungwon stared, unable to help the blush of embarrassment while he tried to cover his face with his hand without being too obvious. Looking like a squeezed orange and producing embarrassing noise was the worst combination, even if his core was nice.

“God, it's fine, we can go to the cafe. My stomach is just being annoying because it's been a while since I ate, but I can do it later too,” he pointed out and reached for Hoseok's thigh, squeezing it briefly. He was reluctant to remove his hand afterwards, so he kept it on the firm muscles.

“We need to take care of your stomach and I didn't eat either, so it's good timing. Shrimp or beef, Mr. Chae?” A breathtakingly beautiful smile painted Hoseok's soft features as the black-haired man glanced at him while waiting for the traffic light to turn green. “We can go to the cafe afterwards, if you don't want to miss out.”

Hyungwon observed the stunning features, the authenticity with which Hoseok looked at him. He couldn't resist it, not for a single second and leaned in, pressing a kiss to those curved lips before he sank back into his car seat and pretended that nothing had happened and he hadn't just kissed Hoseok in the middle of a perfectly innocent conversation.

“Shrimp,” he said calmly and glanced outside the window, brushing through his bangs.

“I never thought I would say it, but you're cute. Really cute, but mostly beautiful and shining from the inside. Let's give your stomach some high class shrimp so you can shine more.”

_He knows exactly that admiring your core gets to you the most._

Licking over his lips, Hoseok turned to the right and drove a few streets further, before stopping in front of a tiny restaurant. It looked rather old and didn't have any attention seeking signs.

“We're here.” The handsome man walked around the car and opened the door for him. “Amelie rode in the front, so it's locked.”

Hyungwon had been just about to raise his eyebrow in question, but skipped all the sarcastic remarks. The honesty in Hoseok's eyes and the way the older man fumbled with his fingers occasionally told him to relax, that he wasn't the only lost one.

_He's just as nervous as you are, only more prepared because he knew he would come._

“Doesn't she know that she shouldn't open the door during the ride?” he asked and climbed out, regretting that he didn't ask for Hoseok's hand to help him out of the car as a joke.

Hoseok laughed loudly, low voice unbelievably attractive.

“She does, but one can never be sure.”

Walking towards the entrance, the older man opened the door and gestured for him to go inside. It was indeed a tiny restaurant, only six tables covered by French traditional tablecloths, simple plates, glasses and peonies decorating them. The walls were covered with framed pictures of an older man and a woman.

Suddenly, the man from the pictures came out of the kitchen, welcoming them warmly.

“Oh! What a surprise,” the owner exclaimed, hugging Hoseok out of nowhere.

“Yes, it's been a while, I came to see you and for the fresh shrimp,” the black-haired man commented and giggled before catching his gaze and gesturing at the pictures on the walls, pointing at himself right after.

Hyungwon nodded with a small smile and examined the expressions in the photos. There was something of Hoseok's style in all of them, an emotion or a particular detail that caught the eye. Grinning, he turned to Hoseok.

‘Gorgeous,’ he mouthed, before adding ‘like you’ and winking. The longer they were together, the less he felt concerned about what they were doing and how he was supposed to act. It was Hoseok after all and Hyungwon had met the older man in enough unexpected situations to be ready for anything.

_You are only worried because you like him._

Liking was an understatement.

***

It was like a movie, a nice one. The protagonist waiting for his love interest to pick him up from work, to drive to a nice restaurant where they would eat something delicious and exchange longing glances. All of it was there, just that it seemed like play pretend to him, as if all of it would crumble in front of his eyes as soon as he closed them for long enough.

_You think it'll turn to shit._

The more time passed, the easier it was for Hyungwon to feel at ease around him. Hoseok would have never admitted to it, but he was shy, a little embarrassed by the weird ideas and actions that were so unlike him. After talking to one of his favorite art directors, he decided to ask Hyungwon about the barefaced pictorial for a natural beauty campaign. The idea with the coffee came later. Not because he couldn’t have asked the younger man over the phone, but because he missed seeing him. Missed his presence, the scent that started to fade from his sheets, the genuine expression and guilty smile when he ate something delicious. It seemed childish, but he missed all of it.

_You don’t want to be lonely._

Swallowing the dread at the uncomfortable thought, Hoseok took a sip of his strawberry smoothie and observed how Hyungwon ravished the shrimps, licking over his thick lips after biting off a piece. He was gorgeous no matter what he did.

_You are in love._

The blue friendship bracelet that Choux gave him was tied safely around his wrist as he reached for the bottle of red wine and poured Hyungwon some.

_You are in love, but it doesn’t matter. Enjoy the seconds and moment you are able to look at him before it all fades._

“How did you become a model?” he asked, succumbing to his wish to know everything about the attractive human across from him. He had been stupid, there was no way he could have thrown Hyungwon out of his life, not with how close he was to his daughter.

_You would break her heart. Again._

“Huh?” Hyungwon looked up from his plate, genuine surprise painting his features until he grinned, fingers curling around the stem of his glass. “Curious? It's not as exciting as it is for some. I was in high school and on the way home, some guy with a business card asked me to take some pictures for money. Money sounded good, so I agreed. My sister was super fond of it and inundated me with ways to be prettier until I signed my first contract with an absolute asshole. That's about it.”

“No regrets?” Cutting a piece of his steak, he put it into his mouth and chewed, gaze staying on Hyungwon’s features. He looked so much better without makeup.

“It's complicated. I think my love life would have been more exciting and I wouldn't hate people as much if I hadn't done it.” The black-haired man chuckled and took a sip of his wine. “But it's not just the circumstances of course. Many people consider me a bitch and manipulative. It was the same for you too, wasn't it? I wouldn't go as far as saying that I regret it. I only wish I found a better way into it, a less destructive one.”

He remembered the first time he met Sarah. Feeling protective over her because of the trash humans that thought people belonged to them.

“To be honest… it’s my passion to capture moments that are not staged, so I like taking pictures like these.” Hoseok pointed at one of the photographs on the wall, showing the elderly woman smelling basil. “But I have a child and I have to pay half of my income to Sarah, so I can only make good money if I do pictorials. I don’t like the modeling business, I usually don’t like models either. It doesn’t mean that I think it’s their fault. Often enough, a combination of the environment and personality results in manipulative emptiness. I wondered about you because you aren’t empty at all. You are so deep and filled with rawness and natural beauty that it’s spilling out as soon as you forget to keep the shell closed. You’re very strong too; someone else would’ve already cursed me out and refused to talk to me again.”

Hyungwon smiled a little, corners of his lips lifting up without quite resembling the full-blown brightness that Hoseok had seen before.

“Thank you for saying that. Usually I wouldn't admit it, but your words mean a lot to me.” Taking another sip of his wine, the black-haired man turned around to examine the pictures on the wall. “I prefer it when you take pictures like these, capturing an emotion or a detail. The emotions are always spilling past the borders of the photograph, as if they are contagious. I don't know how you do that.”

Hyungwon sighed and looked back, meeting his gaze.

“May I ask why you have to give half of your income to her?” the younger man eventually asked. Hoseok could tell that he had hesitated before.

“Because I made a lot at the time we separated and the judge thought it would be fair, even though I have the parenting rights and have to care for Amelie. But it’s okay; I wanted the parenting rights, not the money.” He remembered the insomnia and all the tears that wouldn’t have been necessary if Sarah had agreed to the money without fighting.

“That's- terrible,” Hyungwon muttered and chewed on his cheek, visibly uncomfortable. “Why didn't she want the divorce? When I saw her she seemed to be more interested in hurting you than in your relationship.” Hoseok could feel the brown eyes observing him intently until Hyungwon looked at his glass. “I'm sorry if I'm intruding.”

“She didn’t want the divorce. I did,” he whispered; dread dropping from his chest to his stomach. Trying to distract himself, he looked at the wall instead, trying to remember the exact context in which he had taken the pictures.

Suddenly he felt a warm hand on top of his, stroking along it as Hyungwon carefully intertwined their fingers, slim digits slipping in between his own.

“You wanted it and you've done the right thing,” the low voice whispered, affection attached to every word. “You're doing amazing, Hoseok. I can't even imagine what it's like.”

“Terrible,” he whispered, before sucking in a big gulp of air and exhaling sharply to leave the heavy thoughts behind. “But I’m fine,” he added, before shaking his head. “To be honest I wanted to talk to you about something work related that is also not work related. It’s a little complicated.” Hoseok squeezed the big hand and used his thumb to rub over the smooth skin.

“Hoseok,” Hyungwon began, pronouncing his name with much more care than usual. “Do you trust me?” There was hesitation on the black-haired man's features, worry about his reply that easily penetrated through the first layer of affection. The younger man had become more skillful at presenting his feelings, keeping them genuine but not showing the ones that lay deep.

_Do you?_

Hoseok struggled with trusting anyone but himself after what happened with Sarah and he didn’t want to lie.

“I have difficulties in trusting people. It’s hard for me because I’ve seen how much hostility there can be, how much a person is willing to use everything you love, your trust and your affection to hurt you, so I don’t think that I trust you.” He wanted to pull away his hand from the younger man’s grip, but kept it there, using as much strength as possible and distracting himself by trying to fish a strawberry from the glass.

“Me too,” the younger man whispered in reply, warm palm remaining on top of his. Hoseok could hear a smile from the tone of Hyungwon's voice, but he didn't need to look for the knowledge that it was a sad one. “I struggle too, that's why you managed to get to me, by simply looking right past the layers I protect myself with. How do you do that, Hoseok? How can you see right through to me? I wish I knew.”

“I don’t know. I only know that no matter how hard I try to look away, I end up staring at you, drowning in your aquarium and suffocating in the depth that you show me, more every day. When you’re next to me, every moment is worth capturing, but I keep staring until it fades and it makes me feel as if I lost something dear to me after it’s passed, replaced by something new I will miss.” He sighed after the unnecessary confession, lifting his gaze to lock it with the deep brown eyes. “I thought that I didn’t need much, but it seems that I do.”

“I only know that I need you.”

Hyungwon swallowed as soon as the words were out and looked to the side, staring outside the window while the big hands tightened around his. There was so much emotion in the younger man's face, the motion of his bottom lip, the shaky breaths, all of it.

“I need you too even though there is not enough air for me down there,” Hoseok whispered back and lifted the big hand towards his face, kissing it tenderly, gaze focused on the handsome face that displayed so much in such a short time.

_Snap out of it._

“Do you feel ready for coffee, or do you have other plans?” Putting Hyungwon’s hand on the table, he waved, smiling at the older man who brought the bill. Holding Hyungwon’s hand in place, he paid for them both and gave the owner another hug, waiting for Hyungwon to follow.

“Yeah,” Hyungwon murmured once they were outside, visibly wanting to reach out but deciding not to. “Let's go for coffee.”

“Get in.” He smiled, breathing steadily to calm the dread that waited inside his chest, ready to poison his thoughts and make him remember every single time he got hurt during the past few years. The engine turned on with a loud noise and he drove in the direction of the garden cafe he previously wanted to take Hyungwon to. “Are you sure that I'm not wasting your time? You didn't cancel anything for me, right?”

The black-haired man shook his head without turning towards him, big eyes focused ahead. Hyungwon was holding onto the door with one hand while the other stroked along the seat, close to Hoseok's thigh.

“Is this a one-time thing?”

“What exactly?” he asked, stopping at the traffic light and turning to see the expression on the handsome face.

Hyungwon was chewing on his cheek as his eyes jumped from the glove compartment to the traffic light and down to his own thighs. Suddenly he smiled and turned towards Hoseok.

“This. You coming all the way to see me, eating with me and even inviting me for coffee. I'm just trying to figure out what I should prepare myself for.”

_Is he scared because he likes it?_

_Just like you like him and get scared?_

“I won’t be able to get you from work often because our schedules don’t match and I have to be home when Amelie comes home. I was rather spontaneous today and had time because she went on her class trip. I also wanted to talk to you about a pictorial I wanted to do with you. But…” he looked at the beautifully raw expression on Hyungwon’s bare face. “As long as it doesn’t interfere with my responsibilities, work and the time I spend with Choux, I would like to see you. Of course, as long as you want to see me too.”

“I’d love to,” the gorgeous man replied quietly and finally allowed his hand to settle on Hoseok’s thigh, long fingers following the lines of his muscles. “I hope Amelie will also make some time for me in her busy schedule.”

A soft chuckle left Hyungwon’s plump lips and he pointed to the front. “I know I’m pretty, but it’s green.”

“Amelie started going to Taekwondo training, so she’s busy,” he murmured and stepped on the gas, paying attention to the narrow streets until they arrived at the cafe. “I guess your sister is still at your place? How is she?” Leaving the car, he walked around and opened the door for Hyungwon.

“She’s… “ The smile that had been on Hyungwon's face upon climbing out of the car faded a little and he brushed through his black hair again, messing it up a little. “Let us say she's better than she was when she came to my apartment a few months ago. But- she was hurt a lot, so I'm trying to get her back on her feet. Sorry if it's too much personal info for you, you have issues of your own.”

“Hyungwon…” he began, grabbing the younger man’s wrist and pulling him closer. “What do you think this is?”

The younger man stared at him for a few moments, eyes wide and vulnerable, insecure instead of the nonchalant confidence he usually displayed.

“I don't know what it is, only what I want it to be,” Hyungwon replied and sucked his lips into his mouth while his arms carefully wrapped around Hoseok's neck. He enjoyed the touch way more than he should have, standing in the middle of Paris next to his car in the ‘no parking’ zone and hugging a beautiful, male model.

“What do you want this to be?”

“Exciting?” Hyungwon asked with a smile until he realized that replying with censored truth didn't achieve its purpose anymore. Hoseok could tell that there was much more behind it, hidden under a layer of insecurity and yearning.

“A relationship,” the black-haired man whispered eventually and hid his face in the crook of Hoseok's neck. “But that needs trust, doesn't it?”

_A relationship? That only causes pain. Pain inflicted and felt._

“You want to be in a relationship with me?” His eyes widened briefly, before he caught himself again. The fact that the younger man said it made it sound unreal.

“Back then, when I visited you, you told me that no one else could have made it that far,” Hyungwon murmured before lifting his head again. The black-haired man wasn't hiding anything, showing how much the words meant to him through his eyes and parted lips. Hyungwon was giving his crystal core to Hoseok while hoping that he wasn't going to hurt it. “Can't I make it further, Hoseok? Can't you let me in?”

Soft fingertips stroked along his back and over his chest until they paused on the left side, right below his collarbone.

“Let me in,” Hyungwon breathed out and placed a kiss against his lips, right there in the middle of the street. He wasn't prepared for the sudden development, chest constricting and dark thoughts escaping the carefully locked room inside his mind.

_You don't believe a relationship to be something nice. You don't trust and you don't know anything about him. He wants a relationship, but he doesn't trust you either, does he?_

“How can you wish for a relationship with me, if you act as if I’m only interested in superficial details about your life? How can you apologize for saying something genuine? Should I do that too? I have so many things to apologize for already, I think I should use the time I planned for the coffee to ask you for forgiveness for burdening you with my fucked up family life.” The amount of distrust they shared was scary; it seemed as if they connected on a level that was deeper and different from the usual approach in relationships, the getting to know each other. They didn’t have that.

Hyungwon leaned back and met his gaze, eyes narrowing a little.

“I have no idea what you think, Hoseok, not a single clue. In one moment, you want to be next to me and resist letting me go, but as soon as our eyes don't meet you are able to pretend that I don't exist, that you don't need to see me. How am I supposed to know what part of me enables you to forget about me? Is it the emotions? The personal things about my life that I share? In your case those things only draw me in, make me want to wrap my arms around you and make you feel better. I don't know what I'm allowed to do and what not, the boundaries that you set for yourself keep blurring and I just want to rip them to fucking shreds, Hoseok.” The black-haired man had curled his hands into fists, emotions spilling over the anger he displayed. There was so much more than anger.

_How can he want a relationship after saying all that?_

“You think I am able to forget about you? Only because I don’t call you, or write, or come and throw out other photographers to have a pictorial with you? I spend every free second thinking about you, imagining you, looking at the pictures I have. I know every single mole you have; I could draw the shape of your ear if someone woke me up in the middle of the night and asked me to. However, I see your point. Actions are the clue, right? It doesn’t matter what I say or think, it’s what I do that matters. Unfortunately, actions seem to be the one thing I have the least flexibility in. I can’t do it. This relationship thing. I don't believe in relationships, they only hurt until there's nothing left to stomp on. I have a child to take care of too and I don’t know how much time or effort I can put into making another person happy. I don’t even know if I’m able to make you happy, Hyungwon. Our _relationship_ right now consists of me hurting you and hating myself even more because I don’t want to. I want to know more about you and I care. I swear, I care about you, but… ” Stepping back, he leaned against his car and rubbed both palms over his face, inhaling sharply.

_It will break you._

Suddenly he felt Hyungwon's fingers tighten in his collar and pull him forward, all the way, until he was standing in front of the black-haired man again. Brown eyes were staring at him in a mixture of anger and affection, feelings that were so different from each other but still mixing into a potent whole.

“How about making yourself happy, Hoseok?” the younger man whispered, leaning in until their lips were almost touching. “How about letting go of this fucking pity party you throw for yourself and doing something about it? You have a child you need to take care of? I understand and I am offering my help because I love that little sunshine more than anything, but you feel the need to carry everything by yourself, as if you're being punished for all of your sins and have no escape. You have an escape, Hoseok. It's a choice, a choice to talk to me, to find ways to meet, to be together if that's what both of us want. I have never been this obsessed with another person, Hoseok. I've arranged my whole fucking schedule around yours but you keep telling me that you have no flexibility. You don't? Fine, then I do, but don't push me away when I'm throwing myself at your fucking feet. I can see that you want this just as much, just as fucking much as I do.” Hyungwon pulled at his collar as the emotions piled up, eyes becoming wet and jaw tightening in an attempt to remain calm.

“I do not pity myself, Hyungwon. You misunderstood,” he whispered and licked over his lips, observing the most stunning flower he had ever seen bloom right in front of his eyes, emotions overflowing while his chest constricted and he felt on the verge of tears. The person in front of him was baring his core, overwhelming him with its intoxicating scent, pulling him in and making him dizzy, too dizzy to think about his words.

“I’m lost because I’ve never been so in love with a person before.”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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_Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it._

The quote returned to him suddenly, a courtesy of his mixed emotions, the switch from affection and concern to anger and frustration. Martin Luther King had been right back then, describing the two emotions that had the most influence in people’s lives.

_In one second, you want to kiss him and in the next you wish you could break his jaw._

His body felt like it was burning, first with affection and the desire to be the one to pick Hoseok up from the floor, to fill the empty space that Hyungwon could see so well. The black-haired man spoke of lack of flexibility, of his struggles to fit him into his life, but it wasn’t true. There was a gaping hole where warmth and affection should have been, somebody to catch Hoseok and take care of him.

_Instead, he talks of flexibility._

The whole situation had been surreal, Hoseok picking him up after work, taking him for dinner and holding his hand, sharing his concerns with him and even inviting him for coffee afterwards. There was so much to the single gesture that Hyungwon couldn’t believe it, couldn’t allow himself to relax and accept the affection without the fear that it was going to disappear in the next second, as soon as the black-haired man stepped into his apartment with his little daughter and nobody else in his life.

_You want to have him, to rip the shell._

Hyungwon knew that it was a lot to ask, he fucking knew. He was aware that it mattered a lot, he could see how much damage the divorce had done to Hoseok, how fucking difficult it was for the older man to even begin to trust another person, to want to meet and be together. Hyungwon knew and accepted it. It felt similar for him, difficult and dangerous, especially revealing his emotions and his struggles. He never dared to let anybody look inside, to trust enough, but Hoseok had never taken his core and hurt it purposefully, not even once. There were doubts, but he wanted him, he fucking wanted him.

His fingers hurt from the force with which he held onto Hoseok’s collar, tugging at it each time he said something that came right from the heart, laid his thoughts and emotions bare. Hoseok wanted to know more about him. Here it was, right there for him to see and step on it as soon as he was ready to run away from him again.

_He’s been hurt, but he needs to let go of it, to allow himself to be happy._

The air was stuck in his throat and liquid collected in his eyes, threatening to drip past his eyelids and show how much it meant to him, how much the mere thought of rejection hurt him. Hyungwon had told him what he wanted, saying it aloud, in the middle of the street, but the black-haired man dared to doubt that it was what he really wanted.

_What else do you need to do? What fucking else?_

His jaw tightened as he observed the expression on Hoseok’s face, the shock at his outburst that transformed into awe and fascination, black eyes that traveled over his features and stretched the seconds.

“I do not pity myself, Hyungwon. You misunderstood,” Hoseok spoke, licking over his curved lips that were right in front of him, close enough to kiss him and hurt him at the same time. A few seconds passed as the black-haired man appeared to struggle to reply while the usual defenses dropped away, revealing everything at once and overwhelming Hyungwon. Each feature was drenched in emotions, affection, helplessness, all of it at once and Hyungwon didn’t have the skill to catch everything, to comprehend it before it transitioned into something else.

“I’m lost because I’ve never been so in love with a person before,” Hoseok whispered finally, observing him with a gaze that he couldn’t bear.

Hyungwon swallowed as his defenses collapsed and the liquid spilled from his eyes, running down his cheeks before he was able to hide it, to pretend that he was in control and prepared for rejection, for anything.

He only hadn’t been prepared for a confession.

“You-” he began and sniffed, rubbing over his eyes with his right hand furiously while the other still held onto Hoseok’s collar, keeping him close. “Why do you keep pushing me away then, you fucking asshole?”

His vision blurred and he punched Hoseok’s chest, hating how it didn’t budge despite his efforts, muscular body remaining like a wall in front of him. He hated the mixture of feelings, the affection he felt and the happiness at finally hearing the confession, but also the anger that the older man didn’t act on it, didn’t let him in.

“Why the fuck are you lost if you found me?” he gasped, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to calm down, to not succumb to the desire to wrap his arms around Hoseok’s neck and forget about everything else.

“You can pull the knife; I can take it as long as it's you. How can you be so fucking beautiful, turning me into a fucking puddle of jelly, useless and weak?” the low voice whispered and he felt Hoseok's hands cup his face and pull him against the soft mouth, lips tasting him in a deep, desperate kiss that tasted like the sea. Salty and sad.

Hyungwon whimpered, doubting that Hoseok was the weak one with how his body gave up on tension and he dropped his grip on the older man’s collar and the fist that had been repeatedly punching his chest. His face was wet and he hated it, he hated being affected, being a fool for the man in front of him. But Hoseok ripped the ground from under his feet while keeping his palms around his core, protecting it despite everything.

“I hate you,” he whispered but didn’t mean it, arms wrapping tightly around Hoseok’s neck and pulling him closer. “You’re supposed to be mine, Hoseok. What are you doing to me?”

“Hate and love are so close to each other that it's scary. This… this relationship thing, I can't do it. It only hurts… I… I want to be close to you, I want to know you, I want to go for coffee with you and see more of your core, I don't want to ruin it. Relationships ruin it, I've seen it. It will burn until there's nothing left of us. I don't want that, I don't… “ He didn't manage to finish and gasped for air, fingers tightening in Hyungwon's waist.

_He doesn't want it because it hurts._

“It's just a title, Hoseok, a title for feelings. Why can you have the feelings but not give them a title?” he asked, tightening his grip on Hoseok's neck and the soft hair, terrified that the black-haired man was going to let go of him.

_He wants to do everything, but not give you the trust and security of becoming his._

It hurt, it hurt so fucking much after hearing a confession that Hyungwon wanted to rip everything between them to shreds and never look back. He was so tired of having Hoseok step on his emotions because of fear.

“I don't want to give it a title; I don't want to put a stamp on it either. Why isn't it enough that I'm in love with you?” the older man whispered, hands falling to his sides in resignation.

“Because you don't trust me and neither do I trust you. You expect me to give you everything without a guarantee, with nothing to hold on to. I want you, Hoseok, I want you so much that I'm going fucking crazy, but whenever I feel like my fingers are closing around your wrist you take a step back. Why?” His breaths were ragged as anger mixed with devastation and he buried his face in the older man's neck, unwilling to let go no matter what Hoseok was going to say.

_You can't give up, you promised yourself that you won't. He's just too scared to take a step forward, you need to make him want it._

“It's just a title, Hyungwon. It means nothing. Absolutely nothing. I told you… I want to spend more time with you, but as soon as you call it ‘dating’ or ‘relationship’, it becomes a commitment, an obligation, and a responsibility. ‘Why don't you call, aren't we dating?’ then it's ‘why don't you spend more time with me, aren't we dating?’ and all the other things that have nothing, fucking nothing to do with love. If love is not what you need, then I'm sorry, because I can't give you anything else, independent of how scared I am that you'll leave me.” The low voice was barely audible and Hoseok didn't try to hold onto his waist anymore.

_He doesn't want you to become another responsibility._

Hyungwon held on to the broad neck as dread settled in the pit of his stomach, the realization that love didn't have to mean anything. It didn't mean that the person was willing to give something up, to work on the feelings, to invest strength and time. It only meant that there were feelings, feelings and the pain if they weren't fulfilled.

“You say you love me,” he whispered and blinked away the tears that collected, furious that Hoseok made him cry in public. “What do your feelings mean, if it's not the desire to be with me, Hoseok?”

“We are not dating, but I'm here with you. This is not what you want, is it? I thought we wanted the same things and beat myself up about it, but it seems as if we don't.” Hoseok stepped back unlocking his car as his black eyes got teary, reflecting their surroundings.

The sight felt like a slap right across his face, throbbing long after the contact ceased. Hyungwon couldn't bear the thought, the knowledge that Hoseok was hurt because he couldn't give him what he wanted.

_He can, but a title is stopping him._

“Shit, Hoseok, don't do this to me,” Hyungwon hissed and pulled the older man right back, scratching over his back in an attempt to hold on. “I'm just scared you will abandon this again. Having you with me is exactly what I want, the one single thing that I really want. Fuck. Please.”

Hyungwon didn't care that he was the one giving in again, holding on tightly while Hoseok preferred to give up when it was too complicated. If the black-haired man could only give his presence without a promise then he was going to take that.

_That's how desperate you have become._

Hoseok lifted his hand and stroked over his face with gentle caresses, fingers like feathers.

“I guess you're not in the mood for coffee anymore, right?”

He didn't reply, sniffing loudly and lifting his palm to cover his eyes, to hide how badly he was crying at this point. He hated it so much.

“I don't care, don't leave,” he forced out and wrapped himself around Hoseok's body, hiding his face as well as he could while his fingers entangled with the strands of Hoseok's hair, brushing over it to calm himself. He felt like sinking to the ground while breaking something, expressing all that hurt on the outside instead of the inside. “Don't fucking leave.”

“I'm sorry,” Hoseok whispered, stroking over his hair and placing a kiss on his neck. “I'm sorry that I can't give you what you want. It would have been so nice, right? Things like this don't happen in real life.”

_They do if one works towards them._

Hyungwon didn't reply and forced himself to calm down, to stop crying like a child in Hoseok's arms and soaking the older man's shirt with his stupid tears. He wanted to punch Hoseok for making him cry in public.

“You owe me a fucking coffee after this,” he murmured, voice not as rough as he had wanted it to be. “You're the reason- my face is going to look terrible.“

He sounded vulnerable and insecure.

_You sound genuine._

Instead of a reply, the warm hands cupped his face, brushing his tears away as Hoseok kissed his cheeks, his nose and finally his lips. The touch was so soft, so gentle, as if he was someone special.

“Your face looks stunning. I want to take pictures of you, thousands of pictures. One every day until there are no days left,” the low voice whispered, dark gaze travelling over his features as if touching him carefully.

_He’s still weak for you, fascinated by your core, but he doesn't dare to make the next step._

“That'd be amazing,” he whispered, overwhelmed by the affection that always undermined his anger and frustration. “I wish it was always you behind the lens, then I could be sure that my core is in good hands.”

“But first I will buy you coffee.” He felt Hoseok's fingers intertwine with his as they entered the cute café, hand in hand.

_

Hyungwon's feelings were a mess when he finally stepped through the automatic doors to his apartment complex, sun remaining an image in the back of his mind as the sky had already lost most of its color.

His tears felt like a memory at this point even though the pain that caused them remained. Hoseok and he had sat in the pretty cafe with only three tiny tables and drunk Italian coffee. The atmosphere had been perfect for quiet conversation, just enough to bask in the older man's gaze and the delicate hand that calmly brushed over his. Even now the tingling in his stomach that he had felt while sitting across from Hoseok and exchanging brief smiles stayed.

The guard standing at the elevator nodded at him and pressed the button to open the doors, gesturing for him to enter. Hyungwon smiled back and nodded, surprised that his lack of makeup only returned to his mind once the door had already closed.

_Usually you would have tried to hide your face. You stopped doing that._

It felt strange to him, like his core wasn't that much of a treasure anymore, something that he willingly showed to others, even though it was only for Hoseok to see.

_Maybe because he turns it beautiful._

Smiling to himself, he took out his beeper and checked the message Amelie had written to him. It seemed like she enjoyed the class trip even though she mostly complained about the other children being either stupid or mean.

‘You have to be understanding, not everybody can have such a wonderful robot brain like you,’ he wrote smiling, adding ‘I drank coffee with your dad and it was really nice. He showed me a pretty Italian cafe.’

_You talk to her as if she is your best friend._

He chuckled at the thought as the elevator doors opened and he exited on his floor, walking the last few steps to his door. It was nice to busy himself with his keys and all the things he had to prepare for the next day, notably his body with a workout and no more food until lunch the next day.

_It distracts you from the fact that your only friend is a child._

Once he opened the door to his apartment, his eyes fell on a big suitcase instead of a pair of red high heels that should have been next to his leather shoes.

_What is happening?_

Hyungwon quickly slipped out of his shoes and hurried inside, not bothering to take off his light jacket. Hyungjoo was sitting on the couch in a loose blouse and a waist skirt, full makeup and red heels on her feet. She looked ready to leave apart from the glass of wine in her hand.

“My goodbye,” his sister remarked with a smile and lifted the glass in the air in a toasting gesture.

“You're-” Hyungwon began but didn't finish his sentence, noticing that the items that had occupied the various corners and cupboards of his apartment were suddenly gone.

_She is leaving._

“Why- why so suddenly?” he forced out, unprepared to have the one person he called his family disappear again. He should have been used to it, after all it happened every time. Hyungjoo appeared suddenly, not telling him what happened at her job and staying for a while until she disappeared just as quickly.

“I found a new job, got to move on as usual. Nobody is worth my time and tears.” Again, his sister smiled, but without her eyes this time. Her expression softened the longer he stared at her. “Except for you maybe, you're the exception. Keep doing your thing and now you'll be able to return to your human free life, only you and wine, the most stable relationship.”

Hyungwon only stared **,** not sure what to say. She was right, he had been wondering why she stayed with him, why for so long, when she planned to return to work, but he hadn't expected it to happen so suddenly.

“But- how did you manage to find a job so quickly, will you be fine?” he asked as his hands already slipped off his jacket. He knew what would happen once Hyungjoo left through that door. He would have no single idea where she was until she decided to return or give him a call every few months.

_She will be gone, walking right out of your life again._

“Don't look so sad! That's more than you give me usually. Your face got expressive.” Chuckling, his sister stood up and patted his cheek, examining his face intently. Hyungwon knew immediately that she must have realized he wasn't wearing any makeup, nothing at all on his face apart from his confusion and the mess of emotions Hoseok had left behind in him.

“I admire your confidence,” Hyungjoo whispered suddenly and stepped back, emptying the glass with a few gulps, rubbing over her mouth with the back of her hand right after. “I'm done being sad and will return to my life. But I'm thankful for having you, Hyungwon. No matter what happens, it's amazing to know that there is a safe place to return to. You're the best family, little one.”

There was no real time to say anything, to come up with a way to make his older sister feel better, to make sure she was doing okay. The slim woman didn't waste any time as she'd already slipped into her light brown coat, threw one last glance into the mirror and opened the front door.

_She is really leaving._

Hesitating briefly, Hyungjoo looked over her shoulder, contemplation apparent on her face.

“Keep him,” she muttered suddenly, smile playing around the corners of her mouth. “He makes you shine.”

With these words, his sister closed the door, leaving his apartment without a single word about where she was going, for how long and whether she was going to return.

His hands trembled briefly, until he curled them into fists, inhaling through his nose in rapid intervals.

Maybe that was the reason he was so tired of people attempting to walk out of his life.

***

The coffee machine turned off with a loud noise that sounded very final, leaving him in complete silence again. He couldn't answer the question why he drank coffee if it was dark and almost time to go to bed.

_But she's not home. You don't need to go to bed now._

Nothing changed from the usual way he had spent the days when Amelie was with his parents. He worked, he drank coffee, made some phone calls, went for groceries and took care of the things he usually didn't manage to do while Amelie was at home. He did the laundry and sorted out the documents that turned into a huge pile over the past weeks when he was busy with other things.

_Like Hyungwon._

Nothing changed, apart from the gaping emptiness that replaced the carefully guarded screen of indifference that he had created for himself. He was at home and the rooms were the same, the furniture was in the same spot, the fridge made the same weird noise when he opened it and he knew that his daughter would return in a few days. Everything was the same and nothing was.

_Why can't you bear it?_

The wrecking ball of authentic affection that the black-haired man threw at him had changed his response, his feelings, destroyed his defenses, making him vulnerable to loneliness. He couldn't even remember how it felt to accept the silence, the knowledge that this was the status quo, that he would continue living like this apart from those moments they shared. Moments that gave him what he longed for and failed to give Hyungwon any of the things the stunning man wished for.

_Now you sit here all alone and can't bear a second without thinking about him and how he can make you forget the loneliness._

It wasn't sharing loneliness. It was that the feeling didn't exist when he was next to Hyungwon.

_What are you supposed to do now?_

Nothing. He couldn't do anything but he also couldn't leave them in the middle of nothing. He was in love with the gorgeous model and Hyungwon felt more for him than for a photographer with an intense gaze.

_He said he needed you._

The thought sounded so nice when he jumped into the car and drove the five kilometers that felt like a thousand. It still gave him wings when he stepped out of the elevator and found the door he remembered from the last time he had gotten Amelie from the younger man's apartment, it made him feel secure when he pressed the bell, but then…

_He isn't home._

The seconds ticked by, one after the other, collecting in the empty space of the hallway, collecting in his thoughts, collecting in his eyes.

_It's not him. You need him, Hoseok. You're the one who needs him._

He sunk down on the floor next to the door and closed his eyes, replaying all the situations they have experienced together. How much Hyungwon had done to keep him, how much effort the black-haired man put into staying close to him, into helping him. The younger man did every-fucking-thing to not be pushed out of his life, even though Hoseok had tried his best to.

_You only hurt him even though you're the one who needs this, the closeness, the affection, the core that he keeps showing you. It makes you feel alive and it hurts so much if you have to bear the loneliness._

The minutes passed, but he didn't want to get up and leave. He couldn't leave until he saw the big eyes at least once. If Hyungwon could reject projects then he could wait for a little bit.

_You are so selfish._

Hoseok knew, but it didn't keep him from wanting it. Only a glance and maybe a tiny moment, a small part of a second that he could capture for himself, only for today. He didn't need more, only… Him.

The time passed while the elevator doors opened and unfamiliar people walked through, sparing him a judgmental glance before they entered their own apartments, leaving him where he was. A pair of brown leather shoes transformed into black ones, then sneakers, then another pair of leather shoes.

Suddenly a pair of black Budapests stopped right in front of him. The shoes were perfectly clean, shiny even and didn't disappear from his vision, motivating him to glance up at slim but endless legs.

“Hoseok?” a familiar voice asked until the man in front of him crouched down and big brown eyes met his, widened in surprise. “Why are you sitting on the floor? Why didn't you- god, how long have you been sitting here?”

“Not long, but your neighbors probably think that I am a beggar.” Smiling, he lifted to his feet and brushed off his pants. He wasn't even aware of what he had been wearing when he left the house. “Are you busy?”

_You are doing great in hiding your desperation._

“Hoseok, it's literally 2 a.m. and I just got home from work,” the black-haired man replied in disbelief and examined him for a little longer, probably worried that he was drunk. A few moments were sufficient for Hyungwon to calm himself down and open the door, bottom lip caught between his teeth and smile teasing at the corners of his mouth. “Also, fuck the neighbors. You're... one of the only two people that are allowed up here.”

_You waited three hours. Fuck._

“You could still be busy, or tell me that you're busy even though you're not so I would go back home. Don't you know how that works?” Entering the clean apartment, he took off his shoes and waited for Hyungwon's reply.

“I don't, not with you,” was the quiet reply as the gorgeous man slipped out of his leather shoes and placed his bag on a chair that stood at the side. Hyungwon was attentive, eyes constantly returning to him, his face, his body, as if the younger man couldn't believe he was really there. “Do you want something to drink? I have a wine collection I failed to hide from your daughter.” A brief laugh shook the slim chest as Hyungwon brushed through his hair. “I'm going mad because you're here.”

“I'm sorry, I should've called beforehand, but Amelie changed a few of my contacts to funny animals so I have no idea what kind of animal you are at this point. I thought you may be the dolphin, but it was a guy I didn't want to talk to, so I didn't try anymore because of the trauma.” He was nervous and it showed in the increase in words and especially unnecessary information leaving his mouth. Following the tall man to the spacious living room, he glanced at the amount of empty wine bottles. Wow. “If you drink, I'll drink with you. I came by car, but I can take a cab back.”

“You could also stay,” Hyungwon replied and walked over to a tall glass vitrine, removing two glasses for red wine that he placed on the living room table before picking out a bottle with careful fingers, index finger rubbing along the labels. The black-haired man had been successful in keeping his back facing Hoseok and making it impossible to see his facial expressions. “I wonder what she saved me as, I thought I was already a piranha.”

Hyungwon turned around and smiled at him as he opened the bottle and poured some of the red liquid in both glasses, sliding one of them towards him.

“I don't know. It would've been easier if I had an idea, but it shouldn't be easy, right? Thank you.” Hoseok took the glass and smelled the wine before taking a sip. It tasted really good, he could drink a bottle, especially after waiting for three hours.

“Do you feel like the really good things in life should only be reached after overcoming a challenge?” Hyungwon asked him and sat down on the couch, long legs crossed and big eyes focused on him. The younger man's face was partially covered in makeup, obviously right after a shoot. “Is that why you don't accept things that come easily? ‘Maybe they aren't worth it‘?”

“No. Not at all. I'm not a competitive or ambitious person. I usually just-“ Looking to the side, he smiled at some of the pictures on the walls. “I usually try not to want anything.”

“I doubt that works. You probably tell yourself that you don't want anything.” Hyungwon smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes, remaining sad and attached to his plump lips. The black-haired man took a sip of his wine and visibly relaxed at the taste, gaze travelling from Hoseok's fingers holding the glass to his eyes. “How do you think I feel about you coming here?”

_He usually doesn't hesitate to hit you, so he at least cherishes your company. A bit._

“You're probably tired, but you still let me in. I guess you're okay with me coming here,” he murmured, brushing his bangs back and tried crossing his legs. It wasn't comfortable.

“You're such an idiot,” Hyungwon hissed and placed his own glass on the table between them with a quick motion before simply climbing on top of his lap, one hand stabilizing his glass to keep it from tipping over. “I'm fucking ecstatic that you came, but you keep apologizing for it. This might be the aquarium, but I thought you knew that you're safe.”

The younger man's grip on his shirt was light this time, without much pulling as Hyungwon relaxed and leaned in, placing a kiss against his lips. It was only the shadow of a touch, nothing more.

“I don't know what's going on anymore, because nothing makes sense,” he whispered, placing the glass on the table and reaching for Hyungwon's handsome face. His fingers stroked over the warm cheek, over the beautiful lips, the round chin. It felt so good, how could a mere touch feel like this?

“I hate you,” Hyungwon lied right into his face, arms wrapping around his neck instead of holding onto his shirt and fingers tenderly playing with his hair. The gorgeous man was affectionate, the exact opposite of what he claimed to feel. Vulnerability shone through the longer their eyes met, peeling off the layers one by one until Hyungwon gasped. “I'm so fucking happy that you came that I want to punch you just in case you plan on leaving again. Fuck.”

“I came because I need you,” he whispered right into Hyungwon's handsome face, cupping his cheeks and leaning forward to place a kiss on his mouth. “Something broke and now I can't continue doing the same things I did before.”

“Then maybe it's time to change those things,” Hyungwon murmured, kissing back and inhaling sharply to hold the air in his lungs and extend the touch. “You won't stop needing me anytime soon, will you? Then you can stay.”

The tender strokes over his hair and back turned more insistent as the black-haired man scratched along his shoulder blades.

Hoseok hissed, but focused on the younger man's words. “I want to stay. I just want to be super tired with you and fall asleep. I want to see how you brush your teeth, what kind of toothpaste you use, whether you do it right, or whether I have to send Amelie to teach you. I want to kiss you good night too.”

Hyungwon didn't reply, holding on to him tightly and inhaling roughly without exhaling. The coffee-brown eyes looked emotional, like his words had switched something in the younger man's attitude. The roughness dissipated and turned into affectionate touches over his arms and back, into soft fingertips that danced along his spine.

“How can you always break my defenses within seconds, no matter what I try,” the low voice whispered before he felt lips against his neck, covering it in kisses and light bites. “I want you to sleep next to me, that's enough, I promise.”

Again, it was a lie.

“It's not, but I can't do everything I want at once. Today, I just want to be tired with you without having to think about tomorrow and whether it's a good idea and without contemplating whether I should succumb to my other wishes that I have as soon as you bare yourself like this. I promise I won't leave until tomorrow and I will kiss you good night.” It felt difficult to promise something, but it seemed like an achievable goal, so he did. “Let me be your wine. I want to try to calm you down and make you satisfied and relaxed.”

A smile passed Hyungwon's lips as he lifted up from his lap and grabbed his wine glass, taking a sip.

“You might be better at this than wine, with a few side effects,” the black-haired man remarked with a chuckle and stretched out his hand. “You've never really been here, have you? Let me show my life to you, in a nutshell.”

“I paid most attention to Choux, so I don't really remember. Please do.” Hoseok observed the younger man intently, waiting for the promised presentation.

Hyungwon grabbed his hand and pulled him up from the couch, struggling briefly but masking it expertly with a cough and an eye roll. It was a little amusing until the layers slipped off, just like a tease, revealing a genuine smile, a hint of excitement and worry about showing something personal. The apartment was spacious and so was the bathroom, containing both a glass wall shower and a bathtub. The sink was small in comparison, almost completely covered in skin care products.

“I'll give you a toothbrush,” the younger man remarked and spent about three minutes looking for one in a cupboard filled with replacement items for shampoos, skin care and apparently also toothbrushes. “A blue one,” Hyungwon added, once he found it and placed it into Hoseok's hand. The smile that spread the plump lips and lifted the other man's cheeks up was gorgeous.

_He's so incredibly beautiful._

“Thank you. I've never seen a single household own as many products as a drug store, I'm shaken. Do they help with anything? I mean, you look the best when you wake up next to me anyway.” Smiling, Hoseok squeezed some of the toothpaste on the brush and quickly took care of his mouth hygiene.

“They help me look like twenty while being twenty-five,” Hyungwon replied with a wink before grabbing his own from a black cup on the sink. Once Hoseok finished, the younger man reached out and took his new, blue toothbrush from him. Hyungwon observed him intently as he placed the toothbrush carefully into the black cup, adding it to his own. “It… belongs here.”

“It's a toothbrush. You can exchange it or throw it away if it annoys you, but you can't throw away the feelings I have for you and how I feel being next to you,” Hoseok whispered, leaning closer and lifting on his toes to kiss the younger man's pretty forehead.

Hyungwon swallowed, eyes meeting his and reflecting so much of Hoseok's expression, the way Hoseok felt while pronouncing the words. Slim arms carefully wrapped around his waist and pulled him a little closer, enough to feel the younger man's exhales on his face.

“I love you,” Hyungwon breathed out.

_He loves you._

Hoseok forgot to breathe, eyes widening and emotions spilling over, painting his facial expression and leading his hands to Hyungwon's beautiful face that he brushed over, caressing every patch of skin he could find.

“I love you too. I love you so much,” he whispered, lips searching for Hyungwon's plump mouth to drown his confessions in a deep kiss. It meant so much that it physically hurt, words accompanied by a burning inside his chest. “How can I feel like this, only because you're next to me? How can I not want this?”

_Don't cry._

Hyungwon entangled his fingers with the strands of his hair, pulling and deepening their kiss. Warm lips caught each of his words, returning low exhales and repetitions of the same confession, quiet promises and desperate requests. The black-haired man leaned back against the bathroom wall and pulled him along, embracing him tightly and connecting their lips for as long as he was able to without oxygen.

Hoseok kissed back, stroking over Hyungwon's pretty head and caressing his neck and cheeks. “You said that you need me, but that's not it, Hyungwon. It's me. It's me, I need you, I need you so much, if you only knew.”

“How can you be so sure?” Hyungwon asked and tugged at his hair to tilt his head and bury his stunning face in Hoseok's neck, exhaling roughly. “Why are you coming to me only now if you need me so much? I was going crazy without you.”

_You were going crazy too, missing him so much that you tried to make him up._

“I don't know how to do the things I want without hurting anybody. I couldn't bear being alone without you, knowing that you gave me so much while I only tried to push you away without giving you anything. I'm so sorry, Hyungwon. I'm sorry for hurting you.” Grabbing the small face with both palms, Hoseok kissed Hyungwon's round nose, both cheeks and his thick lips, going from one corner to the other until he was sure that he had covered every spot in kisses.

“Can't you make it better now? Kiss me until I feel nothing but your lips?” the black-haired man muttered, shaking his head and pulling him closer, flush against his slim body. “Why can't you let yourself feel? I can't understand it, not if you want this as much as I do.”

“But I feel,” he whispered in reply, littering Hyungwon's neck with careful kisses. “I only don't do anything about my feelings, but I feel a lot. So much that it hurts. Even being next to you hurts because you're so breathtaking that I'm sad about the moments that are fading into nothingness even as I look at you.”

“But why do you force yourself to suffer?” Hyungwon asked softly as the big hands travelled up to his face and stroked over his cheeks tenderly, holding his gaze. “Haven't you suffered enough? Let me have you, Hoseok. I promise I will treasure you.”

Leaning back, Hoseok looked at the handsome face, serious gaze stroking over the soft features. “I can't promise you something like that, but I can promise that I will stop pushing you away, I will also do my best to… to make you happy. To spend time with you, to know more about you, I will do my best. I can't be without you right now, Hyungwon. I can't be.”

“Then be with me,” the younger man replied and curled his fingers around his wrist, pulling him along the hallway to the only room he hadn't been to yet.

It was dark and Hyungwon didn't bother to turn on the light, leaving the illuminated buildings outside of the window to cast a warm glow as he lay down on the bed and pulled Hoseok on top of him. The black-haired man embraced him tightly, breathing his scent and caressing his skin tenderly, showing affection with every single motion. “Promise me one thing, just this one.”

“Which one?” he asked, observing how the shadows played on the familiar face, lights reflecting in the big, coffee brown eyes.

“That you'll be mine.”

***

The seconds ticked by, accompanied by soft exhales that brushed along his neck, tickling him a little. The air was pleasant, a constant reminder that there was somebody next to him, breathing the same air and sharing the same warmth.

Hyungwon stared at the ceiling while his thoughts moved in circles, thinking about what had finally motivated Hoseok to come to him, to abandon his hesitation and stay with him for a night. It didn't fit to the rejection he had heard the day before, the older man's unwillingness to be in a relationship with him, to commit.

Now Hoseok was lying in his bed, arms wrapped around him and fighting away the loneliness he had felt. It had only gotten worse after Hyungjoo’s departure and having the peaceful black-haired man in his arms felt surreal.

Hyungwon had tried to fall asleep, to enjoy Hoseok's presence and the calm sleep it would give him. Unfortunately insomnia didn't care about his feelings and how badly he wanted to fall asleep.

_You should drink another glass of wine._

It was 4 a.m., late and early at the same time. He should have been exhausted after a long day of work and emotional revelations, but here he was, wide awake and wondering how long Hoseok was going to remain weak. The photographer had already begun to struggle with the distance, with his attempts to keep him away.

_Now he cannot bear it either._

Hyungwon smiled and placed a careful kiss to Hoseok's curved lips, smiling at how beautiful the older man looked. He was slow and attentive in his attempt to crawl out of the tight embrace, observing the peaceful face for a few moments until he made his way to the living room and filled his glass from before, taking a sip and attempting to relax.

There was tension in his neck and chest, but he couldn't quite pinpoint it yet. Maybe it was anxiety, the knowledge that he had opened up like a flower and couldn't control the way his petals broke anymore. Hoseok was holding him in his palms, but kept spreading his fingers, threatening to drop him any second.

_Don't let him, you have arms to hold on._

The two of them were so different. Hyungwon had always thought that feelings were different as soon as they occurred within commitment, but Hoseok was so afraid of it. For Hyungwon it had always been men he didn't know that took advantage of his profession and his dependency, never people he cared about. Why would Hoseok be so afraid trusting a person that had feelings for him?

_You're already trusting him more than anybody, showing your core without hesitation._

Hyungwon emptied the glass of wine steadily and decided that it was enough. Enough thoughts and enough loneliness despite having somebody close to him. Why did he have to struggle to fall asleep when the person he was in love with came to him? He hated it.

“Is it too late or too early for wine? I'm not sure,” the low voice sounded from the doorframe. Hoseok stood there and watched him in the darkness.

Hyungwon lifted his gaze, surprised to see the older man.

“I'm sorry, did I wake you?” he asked and glanced at his empty glass, wondering how he must have looked to Hoseok, sitting on the couch in underwear with a half empty bottle of wine.

_Your desperate self isn't what he came to you to see, is it?_

Instead of taking care of the older man as he had promised, Hyungwon was busy showing his weaknesses.

Hoseok shook his head and stepped closer, sinking into the soft fabric next to him, one arm wrapping around his shoulders naturally.

“It was cold without you, so I woke up. Is it weird to have me sleep next to you in your bed?”

“No, not at all.” Hyungwon chuckled, wondering if that was it, but he doubted it. “It happens to me a lot that I can't sleep. Having a lot of thoughts doesn't help I guess.”

Chewing on his cheek, he leaned in and let his head rest on Hoseok's shoulder, enjoying the way his body relaxed in the warm embrace.

“I'm sorry that you woke up, I should have covered you in the blanket. I'll have to work on my skills.” He smiled a little to himself, realizing the he had never been the one to take care of anybody. Not even once.

_And suddenly you think that you can do it?_

“I'm glad that you didn't. Like this I can look at you some more. Who needs sleep anyway?” the older man chuckled, observing him intently with a beautiful smile on his face. “We're a little weird, don't you think?”

“What? You're the weird one!” Hyungwon exclaimed jokingly and laughed, wrapping his arms around Hoseok's waist while his head remained on the muscular shoulder. It felt perfect.

_He doesn't mind at all, he just accepts it the way it is._

“I'm happy you're here,” he whispered and closed his eyes, inhaling the older man's scent.

“I'm also happy that I'm here. I guess it's important to accept that worries are normal and don't disturb the fact that I'm actually happy. So happy that I worry and am scared.” He felt a kiss on top of his head as the warm arm tightened around his shoulders.

Hoseok was right, Hyungwon felt happy next to the older man, even though he kept worrying about what was going to happen next, whether feelings were going to stay.

_Why can't you enjoy them for as long as they are yours?_

“Not even my insomnia is terrible when you are next to me,” he murmured and buried his face even deeper in the warm skin.

He would have added that he hated it, but what was the point in lying if nobody believed it?

_

Time perception was terrifying, uncontrollable. On moment Hyungwon felt like the seconds were endless and each brush of pale fingers over his cheek had the ability to stay with him forever, and in the next moment he realized how little control he had. It was impossible to decide whether he had to leave the next morning or not, how many photoshoots he had to do, how important they were or of he could reschedule them, only for Hoseok.

_You've done so much that it's catching up with you._

Freedom had boundaries, even when one was popular. Hyungwon had several bigger projects he had accepted. One of them was the reason for coming home in the middle of the night and only seeing his bed for several hours before he had to leave again, preferably without breakfast so his stomach was flat enough.

_You miss him, but seeing him isn't all up to you._

Amelie had returned too, writing him happy messages about school and her self-defense training. She loved it and the cheerful texts plastered a smile on his lips in the morning when he saw them and at night when he finally went to bed.

There was no chance to interact more, but he hoped that would change after the couple pictorial that was planned for two days. Hyungwon rarely worked with other models, simply because he wasn't that easy to match with others, his face was too unique to blend in. Apparently the journal had found somebody that worked well with him and Hyungwon put particular care into looking perfect, skin glowing and body gorgeous.

_You miss him in your bed._

Hyungwon realized it no matter how brief the time he spent in his bed was. The one night he lay on Hoseok's chest and fell asleep in his living room had been one of the nights he felt the most at ease, calm and protected. Hoseok had carried him to the bed later, embracing him until he had to leave for work in the morning, kissing those curved lips goodbye. It almost felt the way he had imagined it, with the exception that the image popped like a balloon and he was alone again.

‘I miss you and your dad,’ Hyungwon wrote to Amelie, chewing on his cheek because he couldn't just write the same words to Hoseok's phone number. It was because the words were true and vulnerable, a small confession that he didn't dare to speak unless Hoseok was right in front of him, breathing the same air.

_You're always so heartless from the outside._

A reply appeared right when his driver stopped at the shooting location, a gorgeous forest on the outskirts of Paris. It was rare that the magazine decided to shoot outside of a studio, but Hyungwon was thankful for the fresh air, checking the message as he climbed out of the car.

‘We both miss you too,’ the girl replied with a heart emoji. Hyungwon smiled, wondering if Amelie spoke the truth or only assumed the older man's feelings. After all, Hoseok wasn't somebody to share them openly, at least not much.

Upon entering the set, he introduced himself to the photographer, asking about the concept and got familiar with the planned shots and the stylist. His partner for the day was already in makeup, so he went to prepare too. The makeup wasn't thick but bright, supposed to emphasize the beginning of spring. Hyungwon enjoyed the several layers of clothes and the casual but at the same time elegant feel the attire had. He enjoyed it because it fit him well.

The improvised set was similarly bright, in the middle of the forest with a few patterned blankets and items covering the ground. The colors were matched to the soft green tones with a hint of blue and yellow.

A blonde woman was standing close to the edge, examining the items and the photographer who was trying out the light. Hyungwon didn't need to stare for long to know that she was his partner, tall, lean legs and her posture made it obvious.

Smiling, he crossed the distance and stepped in front of her, introducing himself.

“Hi, I'm Sarah Lee,” the pleasant voice replied as the woman turned to him and stretched out her delicate hand, smiling brightly. “I've seen quite a few of your pictorials. I'm impressed.”

Hyungwon was thankful for his acting skills as his eyes widened briefly and he quickly chuckled to associate his surprise with the woman’s fame instead of her person.

“It's a pleasure to meet you in person. I have only seen you from afar at the Paris fashion week and haven't been able to introduce myself. What a pleasant surprise to collaborate! Hyungwon Chae,” he replied and grabbed the elegant hand, squeezing it properly while keeping his shell in place. It worked perfectly, just the way he had done it for years.

_It's her, the woman that made Hoseok into the emotional wreck he is._

Suddenly Hyungwon remembered Amelie’s breakdown, sitting on the floor in front of the kitchen door because she thought they were fighting.

_Because they were fighting all the time._

Masking his thoughts, he looked at the woman's attire, eyes passing over the similar clothes, equally bright but in complementary colors.

“I'm glad I can work with someone this handsome.” The woman winked at him and turned to the photographer to discuss some issues. She was flirty, but he wouldn't have expected anything else from someone in his profession. Mrs. Lee was smooth and professional, quickly charming the photographer and revealing exactly what he wanted to see as her arms wrapped around Hyungwon's neck and he held her in an uncomfortable position for a picture.

They switched from one outfit to the next, barely talking apart from compliments and suggestions. It was the way Hyungwon was familiar with and the distance he preferred. There was nothing different about Sarah compared to the other models he had worked with, at least nothing that Hyungwon could identify.

_Hoseok said he made a mistake by being with her, that he has never been in love the way he is now._

Hoseok must have never really loved the blonde woman whose eyes were obviously a copy of Amelie’s, bright and beautiful. The association made it difficult to dislike her, just like her constant smiles and playful responses.

_She does it like you, making sure that she gets what she wants._

The two of them had nothing to give each other, that's why the shoot went smoothly, without any interferences all the way until they shot the last outfit at sunset, the gorgeous golden light complimenting the clothes. It was only half an hour, but the photographer used it to the fullest.

No matter how distracted he was, Hyungwon still had to think of Hoseok.

“I liked the bed pictorial the most. The one Hoseok shot. One can say whatever about him as a person, but his eye for unusual aesthetics is exceptional.” Smiling, the woman nodded at the photographer who packed up and gestured towards the fitting rooms.

“I find him rather enjoyable to be around as a person too,” Hyungwon pointed out and loosened the tie around his neck. Sarah shared the dislike that Hoseok had for her, but didn't avoid him as much.

_You heard how she talked to him before, blaming him for being gay._

“The bed pictorial is one of my favorites, but there are quite a few unreleased pictures I like more.” He was baiting her, suggesting closeness to see how the blonde woman would react, whether she was going to take it the way he expected her to.

_You're good at this for a reason._

“Aaaaaah,” the woman stretched the sound, gaze changing and smile brightening, but it looked a little scary. “I see you enjoyed his company and it left an impression. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but he isn't someone who undresses twice.” Brushing back her hair, the skinny woman laughed and disappeared into her fitting room, murmuring something like ‘poor boy’ before the door closed.

A spark of anger bubbled in his chest and Hyungwon was grateful that the blonde woman had already left, missing it just like the point of their conversation.

_She thinks you're one of his one-night boys._

A smile passed over his lips and Hyungwon couldn't believe he felt genuinely thankful for being a fish.

Entering his fitting room, his fingers tingled to go and make sure that Sarah knew how wrong she was, but it shouldn't have mattered. He knew the truth, who cared whether Hoseok's ex-wife did?

He quickly changed back into his usual clothes, still elegant and impressive and applied less makeup than he had for the shoot. It complimented his look well, emphasizing his round face and plump lips.

Seeing the black-haired man's ex-wife made Hyungwon want to drive all to way to Hoseok's apartment and see him, drink coffee and witness the gorgeous genuine smile, knowing that he was the cause of it while everything that woman had done was it the past.

It wasn't quite, but Hyungwon enjoyed lying to himself.

Inhaling once, he left the fitting room, as warm fingers curled around his wrist and he was pulled against a warm chest. His reflexes were quick as he prepared to drive his bony knee right between the guy’s legs. That was until he heard the voice.

“Hey,” Hoseok's low voice murmured into his ear as his body flew against the muscular body. “It's me.”

Hyungwon gasped, blinking a few times and wondering how Hoseok could have materialized at his set out of nowhere, without the knowledge where he was and what he was shooting.

_Did he come out to the forest to see you?_

“Holy shit,” he muttered, eyes widening and passing over Hoseok's gorgeous face and broad neck. “You came all the way here?”

_Here where you have a shooting with his ex-wife._

Hyungwon panicked and pulled at the firm arms, attempting to make the older man follow but failing.

“Let's go to the fitting room,” he muttered, pulling again.

“Wow, you're demanding, that wasn't the reason for my visit.” The older man chuckled and leaned forward, placing a tender his on his lips. “Choux told you that we missed you, right? I wanted to use the hour that I have before picking her up from Taekwondo to invite you for coffee.” Leaning back, Hoseok observed him with a face that resembled the emoji with heart eyes.

Hyungwon loved it, he loved it so much but he was terrified that the gorgeous smile was going to disappear as soon as the blonde woman left her fitting room.

“I missed you too, a lot,” he murmured glancing to the side. The mere thought that he had wanted to show Sarah how much Hoseok loved being with him seemed scary to him now. The black-haired man could be hurt by her mere presence and that was the last thing Hyungwon wanted. “But you won't like this forest. Please take me away from here.”

_You sound so desperate._

“Really?” the pleasant female voice returned out of nowhere, accompanied by Hoseok's wide eyes that were staring past him. The older man didn't say anything, but Hyungwon could see his jaw clench along with his fingers around his wrist that let go as soon as he spotted the woman.

_Is he scared of her judgement?_

“I thought he was one of your one night stands, but seeing you talk and behave like this, I'm absolutely shaken. Are you looking for a mom replacement for Choux, Cherie? I don't think he fulfils the criteria. Not that anybody would stand a chance because you chased away the only person who mattered to the poor child and now you've gone crazy because of the pretty doll. God, are you sure those parenting rights are with their rightful owner?” Sarah crossed her arms before coming closer and leaning into Hoseok's personal space. The woman whispered something into the older man's ear, but everything happened in a matter of seconds and they both were too shaken to react as the model walked off with a laugh.

_You're not the rotten one from the inside, she is._

“She's trying to hurt you, don't listen,” Hyungwon whispered as soon as he caught himself, tightening his hold on the older man's body, afraid that he wasn't going to return the warm touch and the beautiful smile.

“People who you trusted at some point can hurt you the most because they know the things that make you weak and can stomp on them,” Hoseok whispered, face pale and eyes empty as if someone had pulled the plug. “She's wrong about you.” Hyungwon could see how apathetic the older man became. His lips moved again, but his expression stayed empty. “But she is right about me.” Stumbling backwards, Hoseok turned around and left, not looking back even once.

Hyungwon didn’t follow, staring as the broad figure retreated and disappeared amongst several trees, standing tall like gates that didn’t allow him to pass. There was no way for him to understand Hoseok and comprehend the pain in those black eyes, the emptiness that remained after Sarah’s gaze that eliminated everything else.

Hyungwon had never felt that helpless before.

_Nobody can hate as much as a person that used to love._


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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The first couple of days after Choux’s return were hectic, filled with a few jobs he had agreed on earlier, one replacement for Kihyun, daily tasks like cooking and laundry and a lot of unfamiliar thoughts. After three years, he finally decided to hire a cleaner, ignoring the guilty thoughts that he was making it too easy for himself, so that he at least didn’t have to keep the apartment in an acceptable state.

_You are constantly troubled by the thought that you are a worse parent than everybody else._

Wasn’t love supposed to be a beautiful feeling? Make you feel elevated and excited? Instead of the previously mentioned positivity, he felt as if someone had shown him that he was actually missing a limb, an arm, or a leg. He began to feel painfully aware of being unable to live carefree and do the most basic things without thinking about the one thing that was missing, the limb, the one person that made him feel as if everything was complete.

Hyungwon.

The piranha that didn’t bother showing its teeth anymore and threw off its skin, turning into a beautiful, glowing fish that lit up the whole fucking aquarium with its breathtaking colors and ability to shine from the inside. The black-haired man was a model, someone he met by accident and someone he didn’t like before, but eventually the same human, the person Hyungwon Chae, became everything he had ever needed and everything he had ever wanted. Just like that. His muse, his first thought when he woke up and the last thought before his consciousness slipped into the depth of sleep, the million moments of time condensed in one person.

_Aren’t you too dramatic about this?_

He would have said yes and he probably was because every single second that he couldn’t see the beautiful small face, the big coffee-brown eyes, the round nose and the plump, red lips felt like losing eternity, losing hope, losing the ability to breathe and the awareness of time.

“Why aren’t you sleeping, papa?” Big blue eyes peeked around the corner. Amelie was still careful even though she knew that it was only them. The divorce didn’t pass without a trace and time didn’t heal the wounds it left on the kid's soul.

It was 4 a.m. on a Thursday, so he didn’t have a reason to pull an all-nighter considering his schedules for tomorrow. Hoseok wanted to make up an excuse, something that made his daughter feel at ease and return to her warm bed, but he couldn’t.

“The moon shines too brightly and I miss someone.” Smiling, he opened his arms and wrapped them tightly around Amelie’s slim body as soon as the girl climbed on the couch.

“You miss someone? You can’t miss me because I’m here. Is it Hyungwon?” His daughter made it sound so normal, as if it was natural to miss Hyungwon. Of course it was him, who else would it be if not him?

“Yes. Something strange is happening to me lately. Would you like me to tell you about it?” Of course, the little girl nodded, snuggling in his embrace and big, blue eyes looking up at him.

“We usually don’t talk about things like this, but I think I won’t be able to do this alone, so I need you, because you’re the most important person to me. You’re everything to me, Choux, and I need your help because I started feeling something I haven’t felt before.” He looked into the blue eyes, checking if his daughter could follow him. “They're weird words, right? I like Hyungwon. But I don’t like him the same way I like Kihyun, I like him very differently. It’s- very strong and it makes me feel a lot of things. It makes me want to meet him and hug him and also-” It felt like falling, stomach clenching and lungs rejecting the air he tried to inhale. “And also kiss him and have him next to me. That kind of liking. The kind of liking that makes people be together for a long time, share everything, the happy things and the very sad things.”

Amelie stared at him, mouth open and bottom lip trembling.

“You mean like- like you liked mom? You like Hyungwon like you liked mom? Is that why he slept in your bed and wanted to share it with you so badly? But- but he’s my friend and not my… my parent.” Small fingers tightened in his pajama top, fisting it. Hoseok knew that it was crazy, that burdening a child with those things was irresponsible, but there was no way, he couldn’t just bring Hyungwon and say that he was his boyfriend. He needed his daughter to understand and share how she felt about it, so he could decide. The younger man wasn’t a mom replacement. It should’ve been a dyad, not a triade. He and Amelie. He and Hyungwon.

“It’s more complicated than that because mom and me didn’t fit together well, that’s why we had to part ways. Hyungwon is someone that makes me feel happy, but I don’t want him to be a parent to you. I am your parent and I will stay your parent. He is… simply someone who really likes me and who I like back. I know this whole feelings thing is very confusing, but I will tell you what that means and you will tell me how it makes you feel, okay?”

His daughter nodded hesitantly, but listened, holding onto his body as if the talk made her feel anxious.

_It probably does._

“First of all, you are number one. You are the most important to me, so you and me are best friends forever. Hyungwon is someone that I like a lot, so I want to meet him and hug him and kiss him. I want to go drink coffee with him when I have free time and I want to buy him a present and take pictures of him when he sleeps. I want to ask him why he cries and what he likes, I want to be there with him if he is having a hard time, I want to make his worries a little less by being someone he can rely on. I also… really want to go with him to the old carousel at the Eiffel tower, but not alone. I want to take you with us and spend time together as the three of us, but not like a replacement. Like a person that we both like. I want to hold your hand and his hand at the same time,” he whispered, trying to hold back his emotional response. He hadn’t been so honest with his child for a long time. The last time had been when he had to tell her that Sarah wouldn’t come back after leaving for London.

“But… won’t you like me less if you like him so much?” Choux blinked away a tear and he hugged the little girl tighter, shaking his head furiously.

“I could never, Amelie. You know… as I live every day, every minute and second with you, I only have one wish and that wish is for you to be happy, and I will do anything that I can to make you happy. I promise. I've liked Hyungwon for a long time, but I didn’t want to make you unhappy by telling you about it, so I kept it a secret. Hyungwon got very hurt because of me, because I told him that I can’t be with him because you are number one for me. I changed my mind about it because he doesn’t want to be number one, Amelie. He just wants to be next to me. And to you.”

_He’s not Sarah, getting angry and jealous because you love your daughter more than her._

“I’m scared,” the quiet voice whispered, fingers tightening in the fabric around his waist. He expected it and it was okay, so he nodded, smiling at the beautiful girl.

“It’s okay. We will be friends then. It’s fine with me too,” he replied and stroked over the small head many times until the beautiful blue eyes closed and the little nose let out regular exhales.

It was okay.

He was okay.

_

The morning was hectic as always and he pretended that he hadn’t buried his feelings under his child’s anxiety, making breakfast and coffee for himself, sorting out the dishwasher and checking what groceries to buy before he went to Kihyun to talk about the shoot he had to replace him at.

“Do you want to buy some Choux on your way from Taekwondo? We can go together if you like. We haven’t been to that one bakery for ages.” Hoseok smiled and poured his daughter some more milk into her cereal, watching her chew with her mouth open.

There was no reply. Since the girl woke up there were just big blue eyes that kept staring at him, ignoring his questions about whether he had dirt on his face because she kept looking at him like that.

_What is she thinking?_

His daughter chewed some more before swallowing with a loud noise and taking the water bottle to drink from the neck. Little piglet.

“But- it would mean that Hyungwon is your boyfriend, right?” she asked suddenly, chewing on her lips. Hoseok wasn’t prepared and simply stared, unable to reply and facial expression glitching into something unreadable.

“I told you we can be just friends, Hyungwon and me. It’s okay that you feel scared, we will continue like we were before and nothing will change.” Nodding to support his words, Hoseok turned around to make another coffee, but mostly to catch himself.

“Papa?” Amelie asked quietly and he turned around, looking into the beautiful small face that reminded him of the reason for doing everything he did. “You said that you want me to be happy. I thought about it and I want you to be happy the most. You are so sad and if being Hyungwon’s boyfriend will make you a little happier, you should become his boyfriend and go on dates and ride the big carousel together while holding hands and laughing loudly with your mouth open.”

Hoseok observed his daughter and blinked once, releasing the tears that collected in his eyes.

“I love you so much, Amelie. I could never stop loving you,” he whispered, closing the distance and wrapping his arms around the slim body, kissing the puffy cheeks and stroking over the silky black hair. “It doesn’t matter whether you’re scared or not, I will never stop and you will always, always be the most important to me.”

“I love you too. I often think that you are unhappy because of me, so maybe you can be less unhappy, so we can all be a little more happy?” Sniffing, the girl buried her face in the crook of his neck.

“Yes. Let’s be happy,” he whispered, feeling the heavy weight he hadn’t been aware of lift from his chest and let his tears run.

_

Now all the movies made sense. The protagonist waiting for his love interest to pick him up from work, going to a forest, only to see the beautiful face, feeling elevated and excited. Hoseok always thought it was made up to satisfy the preferences of the young female audience, but he was wrong. His emotions when the black-haired man finally appeared in the doorframe of the shelter they used for the fitting rooms proved the opposite. His heart dropped to his stomach, dissolving into a thousand moths that created a whirlwind in his insides, making his hands reach for the familiar wrist, just to feel that it was real. That Hyungwon was real, that the happiness was real, that there was only air for them both to breathe, get drunk on the tension and the tingling against his skin. He wanted to feel love and sadness at the same time, watching every moment fade while he looked at the soft looking features. Time seemed irrelevant when he smiled at the gorgeous human next to him, impatient to do something to show how happy he was to be here, to see each other again, to love while being allowed to.

_Life is not like this, right?_

It wasn’t. The bright blue eyes struck him like lightning out of nowhere while he was completely unprepared, with his emotions on his face and his heart in his stomach. While he stood there, showing the affection that belonged to Hyungwon alone, the woman, the mother of his child, the partner he spent five years trying to love and three years trying not to hate told him that he didn’t deserve to be a parent and to stop trying to find a replacement for her.

He couldn’t breathe, not really, not even when he stepped back and tried to do what he did in those situations, turn off his eyes and ears and only inhale air and exhale carbon dioxide. Even then, the poisonous voice whispered into his ear to wait for the letter from her attorney because she would definitely take away the child if he thought about messing around instead of taking care of Amelie.

There was nothing, simply nothing apart from pain and the dread that the person who mattered the most to him would have to attend court again, forced to answer questions about her parents and who was a better choice. His feet moved, but he didn’t know where he was going, only that there wasn’t a road, just trees, soil and sky.

_The soil is your place to be, isn’t it?_

Sinking down to the ground, he watched the dark spots that his tears created in the dry earth, turning it coffee-brown, like the eyes he loved so much, like the longing that tore him apart and the rope that his ex-wife tightened around his neck, knowing that she could, that he would stop, do whatever was necessary to have peace, to protect Amelie.

_She wants you to suffer until she isn’t interested in you anymore._

His body was shaking and his lungs felt like they were falling apart, as if those moths that had felt so nice suddenly turned into venomous snakes, poisoning him from the inside, slowly killing every living cell that harbored any kind of response, turning him limp and non-existent.

_She told you to be happy. She asked you to._

The memory made him cry even more and he had no idea how much time passed, just that his alarm rang and he had to hurry to get his daughter from Taekwondo. Lifting to his feet, he rubbed over his face, unsure if it had any effect after the amount of tears he shed and turned on his GPS to find the way out.

_There is no way out for you._

_

‘I’m so sorry that you had to hear all that,’ he wrote in the text message. It was the first one ever to the ‘fabulous turtle’ that his daughter had named Hyungwon in his contacts. They were walking back from Taekwondo and he gave his best to appear cheerful, while realizing what kind of asshole he had been towards the black-haired man that got insulted just to be left alone by him.

_He must feel like shit right now._

“Should we visit Hyungwon? What do you think?” he asked, smiling cheerfully after getting a loud ‘yass’ from his daughter who jumped up and down in excitement.

“But it could happen that he’s not home or drinking wine, so we have to be a little more tolerant, okay? I think he had a bad day today, so maybe we can try to cheer him up a little.” Hoseok unlocked the car and turned on the engine, checking whether Choux buckled up in the back seat.

“Why would he do that, does he want to die? He should drink milk instead,” the girl muttered and crossed her arms, huffing demonstratively.

“Because he might be in a bad mood because of me,” he murmured and turned into the street Hyungwon lived in, stopping in a no parking area.

“This is a no parking area,” his daughter remarked.

_Duh._

He ignored the comment and walked to the elevator, silently hoping that Hyungwon was home. Hoseok couldn’t have a mental breakdown in front of his door again with his daughter around. Exhaling loudly, he walked through and pressed the bell twice, waiting for any noise that indicated that Hyungwon was home.

He was blessed with loud shuffling and the sudden noise of a glass breaking behind the door, echoing loud enough for Amelie to widen her eyes and jerk in surprise. A few moments passed until the door opened and revealed Hyungwon, dressed in a loose red shirt and suit pants, the same clothes he had been wearing when he planned on leaving the set. The younger man wasn't wearing any makeup, but there was a little bit of natural color on his cheeks.

“Hoseok,” he murmured in surprise until his eyes widened and he crouched down with a big smile, wrapping his long arms around Amelie. “And the little sunshine. You came to visit me! How was Taekwondo? I heard you're invincible now.”

“Yes, Amelie missed her robot, so we came,” Hoseok murmured, but his daughter immediately followed with a different explanation.

“That's not true. Dad said that he upset you and that you're probably sad, so we should visit and cheer you up.”

“I-” Hyungwon glanced up to look at him, expression unreadable for a few moments until vulnerability shone through and the beautiful man bit down on his lip. He looked a little hurt, but covered it by inhaling deeply as he stood up and led Amelie into his apartment. “I'm okay,” Hyungwon remarked and quickly removed a bottle of wine from his table, placing it into his wine fridge. Glass shards covered part of the living room table in addition to red stains, only vaguely reminding him of a wine glass. “I'm okay, but really happy that you came.”

“You broke another glass?” Hoseok immediately hurried over and collected the shards, more worried that Hyungwon would hurt himself than his daughter. Choux knew about danger.

“I will program something cheerful for you, okay? But it's top secret.” Amelie took the robot from the shelf and disappeared into the kitchen. It seemed as if she knew the apartment better than him.

“I'm sorry for leaving like that and I'm sorry that you had to hear all that,” Hoseok whispered as he collected the shards, observing Hyungwon's facial expression. He wanted to kiss him so badly.

“It's not about me,” the black-haired man murmured and looked after Amelie, worry obvious on his face and masking the hurt Hoseok had seen. “Will she be alright? She left us alone on purpose, didn't she?”

“Yes, she did, but I talked to her about… this,” Hoseok murmured, gesturing between them. “Still we shouldn't fight, or she'll change her mind.”

“You did?” Hyungwon's eyes widened comically and he sat down on the couch, watching while Hoseok threw away the shards. “You didn't have to clean it up, it was my own stupidity that broke it. I was too busy thinking about how lonely and helpless I was that I was startled when my doorbell rang.”

The younger man laughed and brushed through his hair. He looked a little nervous, eyes jumping around a lot and hands playing with the red fabric of his shirt.

“What… did you tell her?”

“The truth, I guess. First I had to bury it because she told me that she was scared, but then in the morning she changed her mind, told me that we should ride a carousel while holding hands, you and me, and I cried like a baby. That's the short summary.” He chuckled and glanced towards the closed kitchen door before coming closer. One arm propped against the armrest of the couch, Hoseok leaned down and kissed the beautifully red lips, tasting wine.

“Shit,” Hyungwon gasped and pulled at his shoulders, kissing back intently and licking into his mouth. “I was so composed and ready to be an adult, but then you have to crush everything with a single chuckle. Fuck.”

“I love you,” he whispered, leaning back and brushing a messy strand of black hair behind the other man's cute ear. Hoseok couldn't resist and placed a kiss against the shell, smiling at how fucking amazing it made him feel. It was unreal to be this happy.

_Because Sarah plans on ruining your life._

“I'm glad because now I can invite you for coffee even when Amelie is around and not on a school trip,” he masked his worries with a grin.

The younger man leaned back and observed the expression on his face, fingers tugging at his hair a little until he let go.

“Are you lying to me, Hoseok? Why do you look like you want to stab yourself with a glass shard?” Hyungwon stood up and glanced in the direction of the kitchen where Amelie had disappeared to. His hand was about to reach for the wine fridge until he changed his mind, returning it to his waist. He looked breathtaking. “Is it- because of what Sarah said? I'm sorry, I tried to pull you into the fitting room, but I didn't have enough strength.”

“She knows me and she knows what hurts me the most. I'm not lying to you, I just don't know what to do about it at this point, so I float around like a cloud and hope that it was a dream. I usually try to avoid her, so she isn't reminded of the fact that I exist, but it seems as if I became reckless next to you.” He sighed and touched the other man's hand, stroking over his fingers gently.

“She is using you to fight her own insecurities. It's familiar to me and I can't believe she is calling _you_ , the most dedicated father I've ever seen, a terrible parent because of your sexuality. It is the influence a beautiful body can have, but it doesn't work on you and she cannot bear it. I can't fucking stand her, Hoseok.” The black-haired man clenched his teeth and ruffled up his hair, concern obvious. “I want to erase the way she makes you feel.”

“I spent a lot of years trying to fix something that wasn’t subject to any fixing. She is fine the way she is, she likes herself like that and there was nothing I could have done besides acting as if she is the only thing I’ve ever wanted. I couldn’t do that, so she was angry and my presence reminds her of the fact that I couldn’t and didn’t manage to make her feel the way she wanted to feel. The way I looked at you… it must have hurt her a lot.” Sarah was a person who couldn’t stand him being anything else but miserable, it was the reason he avoided meeting her, it didn’t end well.

“She was convinced that I was one of your one-night stands when I mentioned that we are close,” Hyungwon replied, looking uncomfortable. “It hurt to hear, so I wanted to scream at her that I'm not, that I'm as close as it gets. I'm… glad that I didn't. I'm a possessive asshole.”

“Oh my god, you cursed!” Amelie gasped and stared at them, holding her robot in her arms like a baby. “Why is Hyungwon allowed to curse and I’m not? Is it because he is your boyfriend? But it’s not fair, papa, the rules are the same for everyone!” Choux came closer and put the toy on the floor, looking up at them.

“B-boyfriend?” Hyungwon stuttered as his eyes turned into literal sauce pans and he stared at him in shock. The black-haired man didn't comment on his cursing or his daughter's tantrum and merely met his gaze, emotionality slowly seeping through. It felt like a heavy gate that finally opened, trembling lips and a few more blinks than necessary accompanying the sight. “Shit.”

“Yes, that’s what papa said, that you are his boyfriend. But it doesn’t allow you to break the rules, he said that I won’t be discriminated against.” Choux huffed and took the robot from the floor, turning around and walking towards the kitchen. “Now that you cursed again I will make Wonny say something else,” she muttered and closed the door, whispering to herself.

“Is everything okay?” Hoseok immediately stepped closer, curling his arms around the slim waist and searched for Hyungwon’s gaze.

“I- shit.” The black-haired man laughed and ruffled up his hair again, brushing his bangs from his forehead. “Why does your daughter know that I'm your boyfriend before I do? I feel so unprepared and ready to bruise your lips in my attempt to devour you, but it's inappropriate and I can't even curse. Fuck.”

“You can curse when she can’t hear you, that’s what I do. In the shower.” Hoseok laughed because he felt so fucking happy that Hyungwon liked the idea. “I wanted to ask you whether you want to be in a relationship with me when I came before, but then the thing with Sarah happened and… yeah. But maybe I can ask you now?”

“You mean now, after you returned from running into the forest?” It was a reminder of him abandoning the younger man, but Hyungwon was smiling, cheeks spread so wide that his face became puffy. “Of course you can ask me now. What do you think I'll say, ‘no’? If you really think I'm letting you slip through my fingers after all of this, then maybe I should break a bottle against your head the next time, exchange some brain cells.”

Grinning, Hyungwon wrapped his arms around his neck and squeezed him with as much strength as he could muster, warm mouth littering his face with kisses.

“I love you,” the low voice whispered into his ear until he felt lips against his.

“You’re violent, I like it,” Hoseok whispered with a smile and leaned back, examining Hyungwon’s absolutely breathtaking face. There was no make-up to cover any of the shimmering golden skin and one could see the mole in the middle of his bottom lip, not covered by any cosmetic product. The big, coffee-brown eyes looked so familiar but at the same time so exciting and new that he wanted to stare. Forever.

“To be honest it was very important that I went into the forest and cried my eyes out, thinking that the world would end, because even when the world was ending right at that moment, I couldn’t let go of you. My mind was full of you, you were wrapping around my thoughts, flowing through my veins and I know now that I can’t be without you. If the person that matters the most to me is brave enough to make decisions for me to be happy, ripping through her anxiety, then I should be able to do it too, so…” Leaning back, he looked right into the beautiful big eyes and licked over his lips, feeling less like an idiot than he anticipated. “I wanted to ask you whether you want to be my million moments, my whole aquarium, my flower that blooms in a thousand colors that no camera could ever capture and I… I will be your mirror.”

_You don't sound like a lot in comparison._

The man in front of him swallowed as the gate that had opened a moment ago spread even wider, revealing wet eyes, dry lips and a cloud of uncertainty, vulnerability and hope that poured from the beautiful dark gaze, making his breaths hitch. Hyungwon revealed himself like an open book that he was allowed to read page by page. He loved the moment, knowing that it was going to fade and make room for another and another.

“I hate your cheesiness,” Hyungwon whispered, lying right in his face as his jaw clenched in an attempt to contain the tears. Suddenly the other man's slim arms wrapped tighter around him. “Fuck yes, god, of course I do.”

There was no break as the younger man pulled him into an intimate kiss, jumping up to wrap his legs around his waist and lick into his mouth desperately.

“That’s why I usually only talk during sex,” Hoseok murmured and chuckled, stroking over Hyungwon’s black hair. “I love you. It won’t be easy with me, but you make me feel happy and I want to make you feel it too.”

“I'm so fucking happy that I fear I'll break your bones even though it's ridiculous. Shit, I love you so much, fuck.” The younger man rubbed his nose over his forehead and exhaled roughly, holding on and kissing him passionately, unfortunately right when Amelie walked back in.

Hoseok had never dropped a body that fast before.

“Hyungwon was a little too happy,” he murmured and looked at his daughter’s terrified expression. “That’s why adults usually close doors, but show me what Wonnie can do.” Walking over to the girl, he hugged her so she wouldn’t feel left out and let her sit on his thigh.

“It’s so strange,” Choux whispered and glanced at him and then at Hyungwon. “I feel as if you don’t want me to be here with you.”

_There it is._

“Noooo, that’s not true. I will tell you what happened, okay? Hyungwon didn’t know that he was my boyfriend, so you told him and he was so happy about it that he wanted to hug and kiss me, but he is a little violent and also has no inhibitions, so he just jumped. He also curses and does all the other things that are not allowed. You need to teach him manners, okay?” He tried his best while his daughter seemed to take in his explanation, nodding with a smile. “It’s as if I told you that you are allowed to stay up as long as you like every day, you would be happy too and jump me and kick me and kiss me. That’s similar with Hyungwon, but I’ll be careful next time.”

Hyungwon stood up, expertly not commenting on the fact that Hoseok had simply dropped him. Grinning a little with a raised eyebrow, enough to be dangerous, the younger man joined the two of them, lowering himself to the ground.

“You can tell how much your dad cares about you simply from how he dropped me to the floor as soon as you appeared. You should feel super special if somebody drops everything as soon as they see you. Also, I'd like to point out that I have inhibition, but I don't understand why it's so terrible to kiss or hug in front of other people. It shouldn't be a secret, should it?” Smiling, Hyungwon stroked over Choux’s shoulder. “I'm sure it's better to see how much people like each other, why hide it?”

“Because if dad is alone I know that I can hug him whenever I want, but if you hug him then he is already… busy. It makes me feel a little bit lonely,” Amelie whispered, hiding her gaze from Hyungwon. The black-haired man looked surprised, chewing on his cheek and Hoseok could see how he contemplated removing his hand from Choux’s shoulder, but decided to keep it there in the end.

“But why don't you just join? You're the most important, like sunshine. Did you know that the earth would die without sunshine? It's just like that, there is always space for you and if you need your dad I can gladly step aside. Or drop to the floor apparently.” Hyungwon glared at him briefly, but kept his smile. The younger man looked nervous, unsure how to explain himself to his daughter. Hoseok mouthed a quick ‘sorry’. He was amazing, confessing just to drop his love to the floor.

“But before you were mine, and now it seems as if you are papa’s. It makes me sad too because you are my only friend,” Amelie commented quietly and sighed, rubbing over the robot’s head in a nervous gesture.

“I still am, of course I still am.” Hyungwon glanced at him for permission before wrapping his arms around Choux and placing a kiss on top of her head. “Remember when I told you that you are my youngest friend? I was a little ashamed back then, but to be honest you are my only friend too. There was nobody else and now there is you. We can still meet up together independent of your dad. I could pick you up from school and we can go somewhere, try out Wonny in the park or watch Frozen in my living room. Not much is going to change apart from the fact that we will hopefully see each other more often. I love you a lot, Amelie, please don't be sad. It makes me sad too.”

“You were so happy together and now you both look sad because of me.” Lifting her palms to cover her face, Amelie started crying bitterly.

“But that’s because I can’t be happy without you.” Hoseok curled his arms around his daughter. “I can only be happy if you are happy and if Hyungwon is happy. Before it was only you and now I also want him to be happy. Should we try and be happy together?”

The sobbing continued for a few more seconds before Choux finally looked at him, blue eyes teary.

“Don’t be sad,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around his neck.

“I’m not sad,” he replied. “I’m happy.”

***

Hyungwon's emotions resembled a badly mixed cocktail, bottom completely filled with bitter alcohol while a sweet strawberry foam covered the top. The hurt he had felt after being left right in front of his fitting room door remained at the bottom, reminding him how shocked and apathetic Hoseok had been, how meaningless his words and attempts to make the older man feel better had been.

Hoseok had resembled a shell, hollow and breakable because the walls had become too thin. It hurt to see, to observe the change in facial expression and know that his words were meaningless. It didn't matter what Hyungwon thought about Sarah or how wrong she was, Hoseok's experiences spoke louder than any words he could have pronounced.

But the thick layer of bitterness and hurt was quickly covered as soon as his eyes fell on Hoseok's beautiful face and Amelie’s blue eyes, excited to see him and ready to cheer him up. Suddenly the bitterness didn't matter and there was only the knowledge that Hoseok's opinion had changed. The black-haired man finally wanted to be with him, to start a relationship despite his previous hurt and having a daughter. Even Amelie was willing to support them and accepted him as Hoseok's boyfriend.

_His boyfriend, fuck._

Hyungwon had only had meaningless relationships before, experienced how easy it was for others to use a person they considered pretty but didn't know. Trust and commitment was so different, a whole new level of affection that he hadn't known he was capable of. His chest was about to burst with happiness as he jumped up and wrapped his arms around Hoseok's neck, kissing him and breathless from lack of oxygen because he didn't need any. He only needed Hoseok, Hoseok and the love they shared.

_Until he suddenly dropped you._

Hyungwon would have been furious and insecure, shocked by the sudden change in affection had he not seen the expression on Amelie's face. The little girl looked terrified, scared that he was about to take Hoseok away from her. Hyungwon couldn't understand where the thoughts and the fear came from, how she was even able to imagine that Hyungwon had that ability.

_Nothing can take him away from his daughter._

When Hoseok had told him that Amelie wanted him to be happy and accepted the idea of the two of them being together, Hyungwon had naively believed that everything was settled, that he could wrap his arms around the broad neck and forget himself.

_Since when are you this naive?_

For the first time he glanced at Hoseok for permission before wrapping his arms tightly around Amelie, promising that he was going to be her best friend, stay her friend even though he was in love with Hoseok. There was so much fear he hadn't seen before, insecurities that poured right out of the little mouth as if they had never been gone.

_She's been hurt so much._

The worst was that Hoseok put so much effort into taking care of the little sunshine, sacrificing his own time and love life for her while being convinced that he was the reason for her misery.

_It wasn't his fault at all. It could have been simple but it wasn't because Sarah didn't let them go, unable to deal with her own insufficiencies._

“I'm not sad, I'm happy,” Hoseok whispered into the little girl’s ear after convincing her that he needed her to be happy, that he wanted all three of them to be happy. Hyungwon's eyes burned, accompanying the heat in his chest at the knowledge that the black-haired man wanted to include him, to make him part of the dyad he had been so terrified of destroying.

_He's fighting your loneliness all on his own._

Hyungwon could never be a replacement for Amelie’s mother, never. He didn't know how to treat the little girl, cursed carelessly and wasn't able to hold back his happiness either. He wasn't as important and he didn't share anything but a friendship with her. He had no idea if Amelie would be willing to accept him as anything but a friend, if she could see him as a part of their family.

_Don't get ahead of yourself, you don't even know how to take care of another person yet. Now you want to take care of two?_

“I'm so sorry,” he murmured and stroked over Amelie's pretty hair, suddenly feeling so helpless next to the girl's tears. “I don't know how to act at all, I don't even know how not to curse. I only know how to conjure a smile on your dad's face and pull those black eyes from the depths of their deep, dark lake. Is that enough?”

“I don't know what that means,” Amelie murmured, before suddenly freeing herself and pushing a button on the robot's head.

‘Cursing is bad and the police will get you,’ the blue thing said in Amelie's voice and the girl started laughing loudly, pointing at him.

“Right,” Hyungwon murmured, caught off guard. “How could I forget?” He never had to deal with children before, to explain complex thoughts or be prepared for random remarks while he was trying to express his emotions. His eyes wandered to Hoseok, meeting the older man's dark ones.

“It means that I think I can make your dad happy, but I don't know if it's enough to be with you guys,” he explained and swallowed, still holding the eye contact. Hoseok's emotions were difficult to read, less obvious than when they were alone and breathed the same air.

“We should play now.” It was evident that the little girl made no attempts to understand what he was talking about, but then again, she was eight years old.

“Let's do it,” Hoseok replied smiling. Suddenly he could feel the older man's warm fingers that intertwined with his, squeezing lightly.

_Because he understands._

“We should,” Hyungwon echoed and stood up, getting the instructions for the robot while wondering how he felt about all the changes in his life, the amount of people in his apartment, his dependency and the fact that the man he loved had a little daughter. Somehow he had never considered all the implications, all the things that commitment entailed.

_Because you only wanted him._

Now he had the title he wanted, but somehow it didn't feel as relieving and simple as he had imagined it to be.

_

_You have to work on this._

The thought kept circulating inside his head while he changed his clothes and followed the instructions of his photographer, this time for a small scale advertisement. His hands immediately reached for his beeper when he had a short break to freshen up his makeup or drink a sip of coffee. He shared what he was doing with Amelie and read about her school day in short sentences with funny punctuation. He knew he had to work on their relationship, but Hyungwon had no idea how to do that yet, especially if he wasn't able to express his feelings simply.

_Hoseok is investing effort and you have to do the same._

When he grabbed his beeper around one o'clock, to the amusement of his makeup artist because it was the fourth time that day, he couldn't help his smile at five new messages from Amelie. That was until he read the content. It began with ‘We talked about family in ethics today and the kids in my class make fun of me because my mom doesn't live with us and because my dad has a boyfriend.’

_Shit._

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he made sure his makeup artist couldn't see the writing on the tiny black and white screen while drawing a fucking wing next to his right eye. Who cared about makeup wings when children were being harassed for having patchwork LGBT families?

‘That's because they don't know any better because they only have friends with moms and dads, but you got something special,’ he wrote while wishing he could have argued that Amelie had three people instead of two. But she didn't because Sarah was irresponsible.

_You're fucking helpless in this argument._

‘They said I'm an alien because I'm different, my mom left me and two men can't get kids and I cried. The break is over I have to hide my beeper.’

For the first time in his life, Hyungwon wanted to punch other eight-year-olds for being absolute shitheads while teachers weren't able to teach them that families could be different. This wasn't the 19th century when families had to stay together for honor even though the parents hated each other or couldn't bear to be together. Feelings could change and people make mistakes, why couldn't they teach kids that a relationship needs work and that there are different outcomes.

_You can't let her be miserable like this._

Time passed quickly as he smoothly transitioned from one shoot to the next and the hands of the clock continuously moved to the right. His brief internet search and time analysis of Amelie’s messages gave him enough information to act.

Hyungwon's clothes were a little too fabulous for what he was planning, but timing was critical. He barely managed to leave the set before three thirty and jumped into his driver’s car, yelling a Parisian address at him. Time was tight and so were his pants and shirt, so one might have said that he was doing great considering the circumstances.

His driver didn't ask questions as usual as he stopped in front of a primary school and unlocked the doors. Thanking the elderly man briefly, Hyungwon jumped out and walked to the entrance, aware that he didn't want to look like he was running, so he calmly crossed the distance and entered through the school gate. He was still on time and the lessons weren't quite over yet. A brief question and gorgeous smile of his were sufficient to find the right class room and wait until he heard the teacher end the lesson and the first kids opened the door, staring at his face in shock until they ran on.

Hyungwon had never been thankful for being all over Parisian billboards before, but at that moment he suddenly was. Peeking into the classroom, he smiled and stepped through.

“Amelie, are you up for some surprise ice cream?” he asked as soon as he found the little girl who was alone at one of the desks at the window, collecting her materials and stuffing them into her backpack. She looked up, expression shocked.

“Hyungwon?” she muttered.

“Yeah, I'm right from a shooting, that's why my clothes are fancy, but I hope I still look like myself.” He smiled and was glad that he removed most of the makeup as he made his way through the class room and leaned against one of the small tables while Amelie packed her pencil case into her backpack. “I thought we could eat some ice cream on the way to your house and spend time together.”

It felt strange to be in a primary school and pick up a child, but somehow Hyungwon felt happy that he had managed to surprise the little girl.

_Maybe you can also cheer her up._

“Is this someone that you know, Amelie?” A female teacher came closer and observed him intently.

“Yes, it's my dad's boyfriend, Hyungwon. We will go home together.” The little girl nodded to support her words and took her jacket from the backrest of her chair.

“Does your dad know that he is picking you up?” The woman seemed concerned and not really convinced to let Amelie go with him. The girl looked at him in question.

Hyungwon had written Hoseok a message that he planned on going to the cinema with him and Amelie, so it shouldn't have been a problem. He felt a little annoyed by the concern, but he understood that it was necessary. Hoseok had been terrified the one time that Amelie came to him without saying anything.

“He is aware, feel free to call if you are concerned or I can do it myself,” he replied and helped the little girl to stuff her jacket into her backpack since it had gotten warm enough to be outside without it.

“It is fine. Please remind him to leave me a permission slip, so we know that you can pick her up too.” Smiling at Amelie, the woman went back to her desk and started packing her things.

“Ah. I forgot. You need a permission to pick me up. It's strange, right? I can go home alone, but if someone picks me up they need a permission.”

“I think I understand,” Hyungwon replied and smiled, removing a messy strand of hair from Amelie’s face. “What if somebody you don't know comes and lies that your dad told him to get you? That would be scary, wouldn't it? That's why it's important that strangers can't pick you up.”

_Feels different not being a stranger anymore, doesn't it?_

“How do you feel?” he asked eventually and couldn't help but remember the fact that Amelie had cried because of what the children said to her.

“Like an alien. But I'm happy that you came. What's your favorite ice cream?” The girl took his hand and pulled him out of the classroom. “You are so tall!”

“Yeah, as a model it's important to be tall,” he replied and smiled, realizing that Amelie didn't want to talk about being an alien. “I don't have a favorite ice cream, because I never eat it, but what is yours?”

_But you also always felt like an alien in school._

“But why can’t you eat it? Will it make you sick? Are you allergic?” Amelie smiled and stuck out her tongue at a boy that stared at them while they walked through the school yard. “Are your parents living in Paris?”

“Oh, ehm-” Hyungwon's eyes widened as he glanced around and couldn't believe he managed to keep meeting Amelie and Hoseok without having to talk about his parents even once. Usually he would have lied, but somehow he couldn't do it to Amelie. It felt wrong. “My… parents aren't with me anymore. I grew up with my mom and my sister at first and then only with my sister.”

“Did something happen? Dad told me that you have a sister, but that she’s a little impulsive, whatever that means.” The little girl giggled and wrapped herself around his arm, as if comforting him.

Hyungwon didn't know what to say. He wasn't even able to talk about it to adults, how the hell was he supposed to tell a child?

_It's too heavy, isn't it? You haven't even told Hoseok._

Hyungwon hadn't told anybody at all.

“My mom… she was living with my sister and me, but then she got very ill because of her job and- then my older sister was the one to take care of me. She might be a little impulsive, but that's because she is used to being the strong one. I'm not sure that you understand.” His hands curled into fists even though he was supposed to have nice conversations, not talk about his fucked up family life with Hoseok's daughter.

“I’m so sorry that your mom isn’t with you. I’m sad that my mom isn’t with me too.” There was silence for a few seconds, before the grip on his arm tightened, and Amelie looked up at him, bright blue eyes catching his gaze immediately. “But it’s so nice to have a sibling, right? Then, even if your parents can’t be with you, you have someone and aren’t alone. I also wanted a sibling, but… but I have Kihyun, so it’s okay, I guess. I want to meet your sister too. What’s her name?” It was amazing how different it was to talk about sensitive topics with children. They didn’t pretend that they were interested, or empathetic. They showed everything, no matter whether it was appropriate or not.

“She's- she's called Hyungjoo,” Hyungwon murmured, overwhelmed by Amelie’s response. It made him want to share even more, to show that the little girl wasn't alone. “You know, I'm a little similar to you. You are growing up with your dad and I grew up with my mom, because my dad wasn't there. But I had my mom, so it was okay. And later- later I had my sister and now… I have you and your dad. It’s nice to have someone, even when it is a new family.”

Hyungwon hated how emotional the topic made him, he couldn't even see the street properly to identify the ice cream shop he wanted to go to before seeing Hoseok.

“Hyungjoo, that’s a nice name! Is she also pretty like you?” The girl stopped in the middle of walking and pointed at a cafe. “Look there is ice cream! I like cookies and cream the most, but also mango. Would you like to be part of my family?”

_Shit._

Hyungwon blinked a few times, chuckling nervously at how Amelie was able to switch from one topic to the next almost mid-sentence.

_You can't just decide that you're part of the family. You're not her mom, you're just a random guy that fell in love with her dad._

“I can't decide that all by myself, can I? I can't just pop up and be a part of your family only because I want to,” he muttered and quickly made his way to the ice cream shop, ordering the little girl all the flavors she liked the most.

“Papa can bake the best Choux, did you know that? But family isn’t about who gave birth to you, family is when you meet other people who are so nice that you like them and spend time with them and they like you and comfort you when you’re sad and kiss you good night!” Smiling, the girl pulled him down, smooching his cheek and leaving a bit of mango ice-cream on his skin.

“Did your dad tell you that?” he asked and wiped over his chin, unable to help the loud laugh that left his lips. He had never had a serious conversation about his future that was concluded with goodnight kisses and ice cream on his face. “He's right. You make me really happy, did you know that?”

It felt so easy, even though he knew exactly that the pretty smile could switch and transform into anxiety and worry again. But it seemed so nice like this, taking a walk and sharing thoughts.

_One might think that it's the way it's supposed to be._

Hyungwon grabbed Amelie’s hand and crossed the street, walking towards Hoseok's apartment while his thoughts jumped from one worry to the next.

“I want to make you even happier, but I can’t do it without ice cream. I think you are sad because you don’t eat all the things that taste the best,” the girl elaborated, gesturing wildly and jumping around. He could already imagine the cone dropping to the ground. “You can eat Choux and mango ice-cream instead of drinking wine, because like that you will die early and dad will be sad.”

_She's not wrong._

Hyungwon smiled apologetically and smoothly stabilized Amelie's hand with the cone, wondering how to answer without sarcasm or mentioning his insomnia.

“I'll do my best.” He walked up the few steps to Hoseok's door and pulled the little girl along, but carefully. Their height difference was enormous. “I'm not eating tasty things because I have to stay slim and can't work out like your dad does.”

Instead of asking Amelie for a key, he simply pressed the bell, hoping that the emotional mess in his chest wasn't obvious on his face.

_Why are you lying to yourself?_

“You are slim already. I told my mom the same thing.” Amelie turned away and pushed the door as Hoseok buzzed them through. “Do you see your sister often? Do you play together?”

“I-” Hyungwon wondered if children had a radar for unpleasant questions, those questions that adults either didn't have the answer to or felt physical pain while answering. “I don't really know where she lives. She… moves a lot and I see her when she decides to visit me.”

The answer felt close enough to the truth and he made his way up the stairs while thinking if he had even once tried to find Hyungjoo after the many times she has left.

_You didn't, not even once because you think she doesn't want you to._

“Wait, but you can ask her when she visits you again. Why didn’t you ask? She probably forgot to tell you, or thinks that you like being alone. I also thought that dad likes being alone, but he said it’s not true.” Running up the stairs, Amelie took two steps at once, grinning at her achievement. “Do you like your sister?”

“I do,” Hyungwon replied immediately, teeth settling in his bottom lip as he realized what an idiot he was. Even an eight-year-old could tell that he kept showing people that he wanted to be alone, by himself and at peace where he didn't have to worry about his looks. “I like her a lot, but… she always disappears without telling me anything. I think she is worried that I won't like the way she lives.”

_Why are you sharing all this with a child, Hyungwon?_

He didn't know, the words just left his mouth while his chest constricted and he felt like hiding away again, pretending that he wasn't hurt by everything that kept happening around him.

When he finally glanced up to where he was going, he saw Hoseok standing at the door and froze. It was impossible to hide his emotions in time, to contain the badly mixed cocktail.

“Everyone is worried all the time, but one needs to talk. Papa said I need to say if I feel bad, because people can’t always know what is inside my head. I made you sad because I told you, but now it’s fine again, so it can’t be bad to share, right? Hyungjoo probably likes you a lot too, that’s why she is hiding, but you should tell her that you would be happier if she didn’t hide.” Amelie didn’t care about Hoseok’s presence at all, until they arrived at the last step and she jumped the older man, letting herself be hugged by his muscular arms.

“Hyungwon picked me up from school and bought me ice-cream and asked whether he could be part of my family and I said it’s okay, because I like him.”

_Twisted but not too far from the truth. Fuck._

Hoseok stared with his mouth open, before catching himself and letting the girl’s feet touch the floor.

“Mhm, I see. I made dinner.” The curved lips spread in a brief smile, until he saw his face. “Go wash your hands, okay?” Hoseok waited until the girl disappeared in the hallway and stepped closer curling his arm around his waist. “What happened?”

_You're so obvious._

“Nothing much actually, it was really nice and she's a sunshine. I guess I have to beg you for written permission to pick her up in the future,” he replied with a chuckle and brushed through his hair in an attempt to calm down and stop thinking about the fact that Amelie accepted him with open arms, just like that. “She's good at asking questions.”

“She is.” He was blessed with another smile and a brief but soft kiss that lingered on his lips for a few seconds even after Hoseok leaned back. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too,” he whispered and came closer, wrapping his arms around Hoseok's neck and inhaling the familiar scent. “Shit, I don't even know what to do with myself, Hoseok. I never had to explain my thoughts to a child, but she doesn't even judge, taking it like it's obvious. Fuck, I feel like an emotional wreck.”

Suddenly there was super loud singing sounding from the bathroom and coming closer, accompanied by steps that sounded as if an elephant was taking a walk in Hoseok’s hallway.

“I’m dooooooneeeee,” Amelie yelled before peeking around the corner.

_She's warning you, oh god._

Hoseok managed to step back a little and laughed.

“I need to ask Hyungwon something that’s a secret. Would you mind setting the table? We will come in a few minutes.” The girl nodded and hurried to the kitchen, closing the door behind herself with a loud noise.

“I feel super weird too because I can’t believe that it’s fine for me to be happy like this. It also gives me context in which everything that was before seems like endless torture and I keep asking myself how I survived it.” Hoseok grabbed his face with both palms and kissed him again, soft lips moving over his and delicious coffee scent spreading in his nose.

Hyungwon felt like somebody had lit a candle in his chest, warming him up as he grabbed a fistful of Hoseok's hair and kissed back, realizing how much he had missed the older man, how much he wanted him.

“Fuck, I want this so much but I might suck,” he commented and licked into Hoseok's mouth, enjoying the taste of coffee and the familiarity of their kiss. “You survived it because you thought you had to, but you don't. I told Amelie today that if one family member leaves one can find a new family, somebody who's close. I just didn't think it applied to me too, like an idiot. Also, I want to choke the children in her class, because they deserve it.”

“Was there a problem?” The older man leaned back, but stroked over his hair affectionately. “I thought this whole ‘family’ thing is burdening for you because you’re used to being by yourself. Anyway, we are here if you need us.”

“This whole family thing is burdening because I don't know shit about it. I’ve never had one.” He chuckled, disbelieving that he shared it just like that, as if Amelie had taken away his inhibitions. “Hearing that kids made fun of Amelie for not having a mom just reminds me that it was similar for me. Makes me want to polish their uneducated faces.”

“I can’t believe I know nothing about you, oh my god,” Hoseok murmured, kissing him again, as if it was some kind of reflex.

“Papaaaaaaaa?” The kitchen door opened a tiny bit and Amelie's curved lips appeared. “It’s boring.”

He jerked at the question, definitely not used to being interrupted that often.

“I told your dad that you remind me of myself,” Hyungwon replied and turned to the little girl, trying his best to smile. “Did you see what your dad cooked already? Will you be my tester, so I know if it's good enough to eat?”

“Yes, but you better come now because it’s super boring alone in the kitchen and I wanted to tell dad about the kid I kicked today, but nobody saw, so I wasn’t scolded.” Opening the door, the girl simply walked over, grabbed Hoseok’s hand and pulled him towards the kitchen, completely disregarding the fact that he had been hugging him a second ago.

_You might have to get used to this._

Suddenly, Hyungwon really wanted to go on a work trip again, preferably one of those that he knew Hoseok was going on too, so they could spend some time together, just the two of them.

_You needed long to want to be alone with him. Not._

“Why did you kick the kid?” he asked instead and sat down at his designated spot at the kitchen table. It was the one he sat at the last few times, between Hoseok and Amelie.

“Because he said two guys being together is gross. Actually he is gross because he picks his nose all the time and eats the boogers.” Amelie took her fork and picked out a piece of meat, placing it into her mouth. Hoseok sighed but it wasn’t clear whether it was directed towards his daughter or the kid who said homophobic stuff.

“I think it's good that you stand up for yourself, you just need to find a way to do it with words. Be ahead of them with your head.” Hyungwon pointed at the little girl's forehead and smiled, remembering how he tried to be ahead of others by outsmarting them in arguments. Amelie was much stronger than she looked. “A lot of people think something that's different from them is bad because they are afraid. It's important to show them that they don't need to be afraid.”

Hyungwon cut his meat and looked at Hoseok, examining the older man's face. He really wanted to be alone with the black-haired man, to wrap his arms around him and feel that intense gaze on him and hot hands roaming his skin.

“I really feel like eating Choux,” he commented out loud, disbelieving that he really uttered that sentence.

_You're desperate._

Hoseok stared at him, pausing in the middle of a movement before he got the message.

“Choux? Would you mind buying Hyungwon some of the pastries that they make at the bakery we go to Saturdays? He hasn't tried it yet, and he definitely needs to become happier. You can also keep the change.” Hoseok smiled and got up, disappearing into the hallway.

“You want to try it? It's the best! But it's a ten-minute walk, so I'll need twenty minutes. Can you wait that long?” The girl asked grabbing the bill from Hoseok's hands.

Hyungwon furiously tried to calculate what he could do in twenty minutes while pretending to think.

“I think I'll be fine! If it's as good as you say it is the wait is definitely worth it,” he commented and stuffed his face with meat to not be any more obvious.

“Okay, I'll eat the rest later,” Amelie yelled at Hoseok on her way to the hallway, shuffling and putting on her shoes. The older man was staring after her, breathing regularly until he heard the door fall in the lock.

“You better eat it when she comes back,” the low voice whispered as Hoseok turned around, black eyes intense and gaze walking all over his body while he chewed on his meat. Goosebumps spread over his skin, obvious for him but not quite visible under the delicate fabric of his button down.

Hyungwon didn't hesitate much longer. As soon as he swallowed, he stood up and made his way around the table, arms grabbing the older man's collar and pulling him up from the chair until he clashed their lips together. His heart was hammering in his chest as he kept walking backwards until his lower back hit the counter.

“Fuck, I missed this,” he cursed and jumped up while pulling Hoseok between his legs. “I couldn't bear it anymore and I'm not sorry.”

“You look so fucking delicious, I'd rather eat you,” Hoseok hissed, lips attaching to his neck and sharp teeth nibbling along his jaw.

“Then do it, fuck, right here, I don't care.” Hyungwon gasped and pulled at Hoseok's shirt until he managed to pull it over the older man's head. There was no time to waste, none at all, so he continued with Hoseok's jeans, tugging at the fabric to slip it down his muscular thighs. “I touched myself thinking of you, so give me the real thing.”

“I know that I need more than forty minutes before a shoot for you,” Hoseok commented with a grin while undressing him, jeans, socks and underwear falling to the floor and shirt holding on by one button. “But I'll give you a taste because I dreamt of you.”

“Do it,” Hyungwon hissed and really hoped there was still enough time to return any favour he was about to receive. His thighs were already shaking in anticipation and he spread his legs. “I fucking want you, Hoseok. How did you live like this before? I keep thinking about the day I stayed over.”

“I touch myself while thinking about you. Who would've thought that I couldn't be satisfied.“ Hoseok curled his fingers around his thighs and threw them over his muscular shoulders, as his mouth attached to his groin, stomach and inner thighs. Impatient and hungry.

It felt amazing and just like everything he ever wanted, pulling desperate sounds from his lips.

“Since you know what you're missing,” Hyungwon forced out and moaned loudly, hands holding onto the edge of the counter and legs spreading wider to give Hoseok more access. “You fucking got to me with your gaze and here I am, silently hoping that you'll do more than you're hinting at. You could, I played with myself while imagining it was you, driving me mad. Shit, I wish we had enough time for you to fuck me.”

_Shut up, since when do you talk this much._

“I have no time, so I'll replace the lube, rim you, push two fingers in and blow you, how does that sound?” Hoseok hissed, lifting his lower body in the air and licking over his entrance, circling it with instant pressure, low moans vibrating against his sensitive skin.

“Yes,” Hyungwon replied, voice firm the way he wanted it until Hoseok dipped his tongue into his body, without any warning and he gave up on being stern. “Please.”

Hoseok licked into his body, one hand playing with his balls, before a finger joined the tongue, curling inside him and rubbing against the sensitive spot.

Hyungwon attempted to keep quiet, just in case, but gave up after two muffled moans, head thrown back and body attempting to meet the motions of Hoseok's finger and tongue. It felt amazing, so good that he wanted the older man to have more time, enough to have sex with him right here in the kitchen.

“Shit, I want you,” he hissed and reached out to lightly scratch over Hoseok's arms.

“I want you too,” Hoseok whispered before pushing another finger into his body, lips closing around his length. The black-haired man didn't look as if he was trying to take it slow, on the contrary. Sinking down his length, the older man tightened his lips and kept stabbing where it felt the best.

Hyungwon wasn't prepared to last and he didn't want to, melting in the pleasure and his own attempts to make it explode quicker, to feel Hoseok and be able to make the older man feel him in return. His orgasm washed over him like a firework, making him scream the older man's name and tremble from oversensitivity. He could barely focus, vision blurry and body unstable on top of the counter.

“I want you in my mouth,” he muttered and slipped down as quickly as he was able to, gesturing for Hoseok to change positions. The older man took a few tissues and wiped over his fingers and his stomach, placing a brief kiss on his mouth when the bell rang.

“Fuck,” Hoseok cursed and closed the button of his jeans, before he hurriedly collected his fancy clothes in addition to his naked body, lifting him bridal style and dropping him off in the bathroom. Cursing loudly, the older man ran to open the entrance door, still half naked and holding his shirt in his hand.

Hyungwon glanced around, breathing heavily and only slowly able to comprehend that he was supposed to clean up properly and dress, be composed and eat Choux because that was the only reason he got a little bit of time with Hoseok.

It wasn't even about the sex. He wanted to talk in private too, to share some of his thoughts, concerns. He wanted to enable Hoseok to rely on him, even if he had no idea what he was doing.

Hyungwon was used to being alone, but company was addicting, like a drug that he kept wanting to have more and more of.

He couldn't imagine being without the older man anymore, even if he wasn't used to taking care of an eight-year-old child.

Hyungwon was willing to accept anything as long as it meant he could be with Hoseok.

_You wanted him and you got him, now it's time to accept the whole package._


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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The feeling was the same all over again, he approached his postbox and his heart sank into his stomach, anxiety spreading like a wildfire after seeing that there were letters.

“Are you okay, papa?” Choux asked, looking at him with worry in the blue eyes that resembled her mother’s so much that it hurt.

_You are so scared, you can’t keep being scared like this._

“Yes, everything is okay. I’m just distracted because I need to visit someone, but it’s not a nice occasion. Don’t worry, I’ll be better afterwards, but my thoughts are circling around it.” Smiling, Hoseok stroked over his daughter’s black hair gently.

“I don’t want to be an adult. There are so many things that can make you unhappy when you grow up. I want to stay a child forever. I want to stay your Choux and you will be my papa.” The little girl smiled brightly and jumped up while he looked at the envelopes briefly. There wasn’t one from a lawyer’s office.

_Not yet. You need to talk to her before she can start ruining your life all over again._

“You’re a baby, that’s why you think that you won’t be my Choux when you’re a grown up woman. I’ll be old and take you on bakery dates when you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend and nag that you don’t call.” He grinned to mask his worries and the adrenaline drop.

“But you hate calling, papa.” Amelie ran up the stairs, taking two steps at once and grinning brightly when she managed to take three.

“I do,” he whispered with a smile.

“I thought about it, I think Hyungwon and me are really similar. He also lost his mom when he was a child, but he didn’t have a dad, so his sister was his mom. Just that his mom died and my mom left,” his daughter shot out.

_He doesn’t have a father and his mother died early?_

“His sister is a very strong woman, but they don’t see each other very often. I think he was sad after she left last time.” Thinking about it, Hyungwon hasn’t mentioned it, but the change in mood had been obvious.

“He misses her a lot. She is to him like you are to me, but she is worried because Hyungwon is picky about life? Or something? So she never tells him where she lives and he can’t contact her, but they are probably both sad, don’t you think, papa?” Choux was so attentive towards spoken language, remembering even tiny details of what other people tell her.

“Do you think I should find her for him? Her name is Hyungjoo, I think. Hyungjoo Chae. Shouldn’t be too difficult if we ask uncle Hyunwoo from the police department, he would do us a favor right? Especially if you come with me.” Hoseok grinned at his daughter, remembering how his cousin adored Choux. Everybody adored Choux because they haven’t been hit with the giant dinosaur pillow.

“Yes, yes, yes! You should find Hyungwon’s sister and surprise him! He would be so happy, she's his only family. Besides us.” Hoseok felt so emotional about his daughter’s investment, as if he wasn’t the only one who wanted to give Hyungwon a little bit of comfort.

_It’s because he makes you happy._

“Let’s make Hyungwon happy,” he exclaimed while throwing the door open with so much force that it hit the wall accidentally.

“The Hulk is back,” Amelie yelled and laughed so loudly that he had to prevent himself from closing his ears.

It has been so long since she laughed like this.

_

The set looked pretty, just like his ex-wife liked it, lots of makeup and tons of props. His heart was hammering in his chest anyway so he might as well act like a crazy bastard. Walking up to the photographer, he asked whether Sarah Lee was in her fitting room and made his way there. The timing mattered and she would feel more secure if there were people around so he had to get her alone.

_You know her weaknesses too. All of them._

Knocking once, he stepped in, spotting the stylist and gesturing for her to leave with the most intimidating expression he could muster. It worked and was quick enough for the blonde woman to be surprised and overwhelmed.

“What the fuck are you doing here, Hoseok? What do you think you’re doing, throwing my stylist out?” she hissed at him, staying in the chair and staring at him through the mirror.

“You fell in love with me because of this, isn’t it funny how the same action can have so many different reactions, even from the same person in a different string of time? I threw her out because I want to talk to you alone and I told the mediocre dude who will take pictures to wait for you because I need to talk.” Hoseok closed the door and turned the key, grabbing a chair and sitting down in front of it.

“You crazy bastard,” Sarah whispered, vulnerability showing for a split second before the thick shell reappeared again. “I don’t know what you would want to talk to me about. You want me to come to your wedding? Forget it, you asshole, don’t act as if you’re a family man now after ruining my life.”

_Hello, accusations. You are prepared, Hoseok. You can do this._

“Don’t blame your own decisions on me, Sarah. You could’ve agreed on the divorce and we would’ve been good and could’ve taken care of Choux together without having this whole traumatic mess. I’m not getting married, but I’m in a relationship with someone that I love and I need to make a few things clear, once and for all. I’m sick and tired of this, it’s been three years.” Brushing his hair back, Hoseok exhaled once, before focusing his gaze on the big blue eyes that were so familiar and therefore so hard to look into with hostility.

_But it’s not Amelie. It’s Sarah._

“Sure, whatever makes you sleep at night, Hoseok. You know exactly that you are the reason why we are not together anymore. You never fucking loved me, you asshole, how can you even open your mouth and say anything to me after taking away my family.”

_Bullshit._

“Stop, that's ridiculous. You were the one who chose the money over parenting rights, but you know what? I don’t even care at this point, because the pain is all Choux’s and it won’t change no matter what you say right now. I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m here to talk about the future and I need you to listen well to what I’m about to tell you.” Shifting a little closer, Hoseok made sure that the blonde woman looked at him. “I want you to stay away from us. I want you to stop talking to me when we see each other professionally and I want you to stop your stupid threats because you're trying to hurt me. You hurt me enough, believe me, there is nothing more you can do besides hurting my child. It’s enough, Sarah. She cried enough because of this and I thought a lot about coming to you because I felt bad that she doesn’t see you, but you know what? It’s better that she doesn’t see you because the only thing you gave her was pain. I won’t allow it anymore and I have enough evidence to sue you back if you try anything in the legal way. I’d also get the money this time, you can be sure of that, I had a few talks with my lawyer. I was too nice, thinking that we could solve it as humans. You’re still hurt? It’s not because of me, Sarah. It’s because of you.” Sighing, he looked into the blue eyes that looked teary, but she didn’t allow herself to cry. She never did, waiting for him to give up first, show weakness, so she could step on it.

“Is that all? You want to play happy family without being bothered?” the pleasant voice whispered, masking the insecurity that showed in the twitch of her eyebrows.

“No, I want you to stay away from Amelie until there is genuine interest from your side to invest time and effort in being a parent for her. I’m not someone who can tell you to forget about the child, but I will do anything possible to prevent her from suffering more because of this. You didn’t see all those tears and breakdowns, Sarah.”

_Even if she did._

“A few years ago there was a space in my mind was filled with beautiful pictures of you, your smile, the times when you could feel at ease, those few times made the space bright and lively, giving me a feeling of levity. The room was full of affection and respect, but now… now there is just a dirty puddle, tears mixed with the ashes of the things you’ve burned during those years. You say I didn’t love you? I had so much affection towards you, don’t call it love, but I really liked you, you know? Now there’s a painful, dirty nothing I plan to get rid of. I don’t love you. I don’t anything you. Leave us alone, Sarah. It’s over.” Hoseok got up, feeling the bitterness of the words that he never managed to speak out loud and walked towards the door unlocking it again. The words didn’t make the pain go away, they never did, but they made him feel as if he ended a chapter that he dragged on for too long.

“I hate you,” she whispered.

“Don’t bother,” Hoseok replied and left for good.

_

The cab drove through the less fortunate quarters of Paris on the way to his final destination. The white house was freshly painted even though the rest of the buildings looked pretty much rundown and he thanked the driver, giving him enough tip to come back. There were no names next to the bells, so he tried out the second one, waiting until there was a sound, but not from the inside. A window on the second floor opened and a black-haired woman appeared, looking down.

He hid his eyes from the sun and looked up, waving at the woman that looked suspiciously similar to Hyungwon’s sister and hoped that she would recognize him.

_She’s careful._

The window closed immediately with a loud noise, followed by a loud screeching coming from a staircase within the house. A few more moments passed until the door was ripped open and a relatively small hand grabbed his shirt, roughly pulling him inside and closing the door.

“What the hell are you doing here, Lee?” Hyungwon's sister asked, looking very different compared to how Hoseok remembered her from the fashion week in London. Her clothes were bright but relatively sparse, a top and shorts that left most of her long legs uncovered. Her hair was tied in two ponytails and her makeup looked quickly drawn, as if in a hurry.

“Hey, Hyungjoo, right?” Hoseok made sure just in case and glanced towards the tight grip on his shirt. “Well, I didn't have your number so I thought I'd visit. Also, I hate calling.”

“How the hell did you find me?” Hyungjoo asked, glancing outside as if she expected Hoseok to come with a bunch of friends, long fingers immediately locking the door from the inside. Hoseok would have been worried hadn't it been obvious that she wasn't keeping him from leaving but rather keeping the outside from coming in.

“A relative who is weak for my daughter’s requests. Are you going somewhere? Like this?” The whole situation was weird, but he still reached for the slim fingers and loosened them from around his collar. “I wanted to talk, would you give me fifteen minutes of your time? You can also curse at me, but after I'm done, okay?”

Some of the defiance left Hyungjoo’s face and she sighed, glancing at the door one last time.

“I'm free until nine, but then I have to go to work. I started just recently, so I can't afford being late,” the only slightly shorter woman remarked and fixed her ponytails, fingers immediately touching something to keep busy. Some of her habits reminded Hoseok of Hyungwon.

“Sure, that's over an hour from now, I'll manage. Should we go up or do you prefer talking about private matters on the staircase?” Smiling a little, Hoseok crossed his arms and glanced at the attractive woman who looked kind of cute with the pony tails, probably because of his associations with Choux.

_She'll bite off your head, don't kid yourself._

“Come on,” the black-haired woman huffed and grabbed his shirt again, pulling him along. Two flights of stairs and they stopped in front of an old wooden door. It looked like a key had not been the only tool that people used to open it.

Hyungjoo used an old key though and pushed the heavy wood to let them enter then stepped inside and pulled Hoseok along, quickly closing the door.

“You better not show your face anywhere or you'll get me into trouble,” she hissed and entered a small one room apartment. The kitchen was improvised and consisted of a small fridge, two hot plates and a microwave. There was no oven and Hyungjoo didn't seem to require one as most of her groceries consisted of alcohol, some fruit and bread rolls. Her bed was completely covered in clothes, various types of luxurious underwear, short skirts, tops and masses of high heels.

Hyungwon's sister ripped a small package of instant coffee open and sprinkled it into a small cup before adding hot water.

“There,” she commented and handed it to him while leaning against wall and crossing her arms.

“Wow, I feel super welcomed,” he commented and twirled the liquid in the cup to make sure the coffee mingled with the water sufficiently. Leaning against the sink in the kitchen, Hoseok took a sip. It was okay.

“I wanted to ask whether there's a reason you don't stay in contact, Hyungwon and you.”

Hyungjoo looked surprised by the question and her shoulders relaxed a little, as if she had expected something different.

“You're here because of Hyungwon?” she asked and looked towards her collection of not yet empty bottles. “Is this a conversation that requires being drunk?”

“Depends on how emotionally involved you are in this and how uncomfortable I make you. To be honest, I don't want to press any information out of you or anything, it's just that I know that you're his only family and he loves you a lot, so I would like to make him a little happier by making sure he knows where you are and that he can reach you. Of course it's your decision, that's why I asked whether there's a reason for the break in contact.” Taking another sip of his coffee, Hoseok relaxed a little more, there was no reason to expect anything from Hyungjoo. Not if he came here for Hyungwon's sake.

“He was right about you, wasn't he?” A smile passed over the woman's face and she sighed again, gesturing around her small apartment. “I don't want him to deal with all this and think he owes me help because of our childhood. I prefer to keep him in the naive belief that a lot of things changed. In addition, he prefers to live in his head space, quiet and peaceful without people that scratch at the shell. You're the only exception I guess.”

“Well, considering he told my daughter that he misses you, I guess he allows more exceptions. You don't want him to help you because you're okay or you don't want him to help you because you're not okay?” Looking around, Hoseok understood what she meant, but it wasn't anything major. Sure, it was messy, but he knew enough people who felt comfortable in the middle of mess.

“That question cuts a little deep, doesn't it?” Hyungjoo chuckled and brushed her fingers through one of her ponytails, not meeting Hoseok's gaze. “He disapproves of a few of my life choices because he's convinced they will kill me someday, so I prefer to keep it away from his eyes. I'm not doing amazingly, but I'm not at the brink of death, so I prefer to keep his picture more positive than what you see. I like to believe that the things I taught him were helpful and I guess they were, at least he could use them better than I could.”

“He's sad about it. He was really sad when you left. I can't imagine what it means to be so close to a sibling. I don't have any, only my cousins and that’s different, more like a friendship, but I think Hyungwon would be happier having you around, even if he might still disapprove of your life choices. You were also quick to disapprove of his, you're more similar than you think,” Hoseok commented and winked, remembering how hostile Hyungjoo was at fashion week.

“We're ridiculously similar, adults mixed us up when we were kids,” Hyungwon's sister commented and smiled a little, shoulders relaxing. “I know that he's sad, I can see it even if he pretends to be invincible. I don't know how much you know, Lee, but Hyungwon and me have been alone for a pretty long time and he didn't take our mother's death very well. There are a few things I would like to spare him from and my profession is one of those things. Our childhood was pretty fucked up and I'm happy to have him in his spacious apartment in the model world. Him falling out of his current job is my biggest nightmare. I don't want it to come true.”

_But there's no reason to think that something will happen._

Hyungjoo got another cup and made herself instant coffee as well before she returned to her previous spot, slim hips leaning against the wall with her legs crossed at the ankles.

“I'm Hoseok. You're his family, you can ask my daughter, she can tell you that it's better to have any kind of family than to have none for whatever reason. Sure, it's your decision, but I don't think the thing you're both trying to do is any good. You're both hurt, you have no support whatsoever in case you need it and he has nobody he can trust besides maybe me, but I'm still not so sure about that. Fact is, I can't replace you and you should know that. I just want him to be happy and it would be absolutely marvelous if you let him decide whether he wants to deal with your lifestyle and profession or not.” Hoseok gulped down the coffee, placing the cup into the sink and observed it for a few seconds before deciding to clean it.

“Oh boy, what a family man,” Hyungjoo remarked and laughed loudly, emptying the rest of her own cup in the sink instead of drinking it. “I understand you and I see where you are coming from, I'm just not sure if you understand my reasoning. To me Hyungwon is a little treasure, Hoseok, the person I’ve taken care of the most since forever. I don't want him to take care of me, not unless I visit him. God, you're making this really hard. I can't believe he told your daughter he misses me. Since when does he say stuff like that?” Groaning, the black-haired woman walked to the bed and moved a few of the outfits onto a different stack. “You really care a lot, huh? I'm impressed but I swear, if you hurt him I will rip your intestines out with my bare hands.”

Lifting an eyebrow, Hoseok stepped closer and crossed his arms, feeling at ease because of the familiar way she talked.

“Fine, now that we're talking like this, you told me this heart wrenching story about how he's your treasure. Is he? Then how about letting him know where he can find you if he feels like shit and wants to talk? Or just feels like drinking wine with you, or wants to tell you that you annoy him, whatever, it doesn't matter. Instead you leave him like this and expect him to be happy by himself. This is a stupid fucking strategy. He doesn't want to feel protected, he wants you to be around. My daughter and him were bonding over how she didn't have a mom cause she fucked off and he has a sister who is never there. Come on, you're not even far away, it would make him so happy to at least know where you are.” Hoseok took a pink bra and threw it at the black-haired woman.

Hyungjoo laughed, catching it in the air and looking at him as if he had lost his mind.

“I understand your point and your strange attempt to emphasize it,” she pointed out and lifted the bra briefly, “but somehow I thought that if he really wants to find me, he will. You didn't struggle much, did you? It isn't impossible even if I was surprised to see you. The main thing that convinces me is that Hyungwon cares enough about you to share all these thoughts. He never did before, not even when we were children.”

_Why are they playing games?_

“He wants to protect you, you fool. Gosh, why are you all like this? Anyway, I will help him find you, if he wants. Don't you dare move out and I want your number.” Hoseok took out his phone and wanted to throw it, but simply stretched out his hand towards Hyungjoo.

The slim woman stared at him for a few moments until she smiled, accepting the phone and typing her number into a new contact.

“You're stubborn, I like it,” she commented and grinned as she returned the device to him. “I can't move out, I told you, I just got the job. I have to prove myself and preferably not develop feelings for some married man. I hope it's not in the family.” Hyungjoo winked and threw the pink bra back onto the heap.

“Your brother is the stubborn one,” Hoseok murmured and called the number to make sure that the smartphone on the bedside table vibrated. “I'm not married. I'm divorced.”

“She must have been a real bitch,” Hyungwon's sister said and pursed her lips in distaste. “I thought that Hyungwon suffered because you gave him empty promises, but he explained to me that it was something else before I left. I'm grateful that you see beyond his looks, I don't think many people are able to, not even me.”

“He shines from the inside. I really want to see him happy, so please cooperate. You're an amazing sister and I'm sure that you can do so much better if you keep in touch with him. I'll be on my way, last number called is mine. Call if something is up.” Hoseok smiled and waved with his phone.

“Great, thank you for the emotional speech. I'll do my best and now get the fuck out of my apartment and let me work.” Hyungjoo sounded tough but there was a smile on her face, even when she opened the door and gestured for Hoseok to leave.

“You should pin the pink bra to the door, so people are scared to come in,” he replied and ran down the stairs, nodding at the taxi driver who waited for him.

_You have to tell him the news._

_

Browsing through the pictures he just took, Hoseok couldn't wait for the evening, wanting to tell Hyungwon the amazing news that he had found his sister.

_He will be so happy._

Glancing at his phone, he texted the younger man, telling him about his photoshoot. ‘I miss you, why do I have to work?’ he wrote and pressed send, followed by a sad emoji. Hoseok hated online communication.

It didn't take long for a single sentence to appear as a reply, without a single emoji or anything that could have suggested how urgent it was.

‘Fuck, I need you to come here. Right now,’ the message read.

_Did something happen?_

He glanced around, watching as the model prepared for the second part of the shoot and typed ‘Did something happen?’, sending it off and feeling nervous all of a sudden.

‘It's an emergency, Hoseok. I need you. Come here.’

_Fuck._

“I have an emergency, leave me a voicemail, I'll do an additional shooting,” he yelled at the art director and bowed, murmuring sorry towards the model who looked absolutely lost. It wasn't nice, but Hyungwon was most important. He didn't even pack his equipment worth thousands of euros. Crazy fucker.

_Thank god you parked like an asshole._

Jumping into the car, he turned on the engine and stepped on the gas, rushing through the streets of Paris towards the other end of the city. When the traffic lights were on red, he glanced at his phone that kept the black screen. Hoseok was prepared to destroy anything that could hurt his boyfriend.

He’d never run up the stairs this fast, not even waiting for the elevator, before simply hammering his fist against the door, not bothering with the bell either. His adrenaline was spiking up, heart hammering in his chest and breaths hitched.

The door opened almost immediately, showing him Hyungwon's wide eyes, the round nose and plump lips that smoothly spread in a grin. There was not enough time to bask in how beautiful the younger man was, as long fingers curled around his collar and roughly pulled him into the apartment, door closing behind them. His back hit a wall, followed by a delicious mouth on his, a hot tongue licking between his lips and sucking on his own tongue. Hyungwon's long fingers tugged at his hair to tilt his head, lightly scratching over his uncovered neck and partially his collarbones.

“What the actual fuck? Is everything okay?” Hoseok managed to ask before the thick lips attached to his own again, mixing his adrenaline with something else and turning it into a potent mixture that he wasn’t prepared for.

“Now it is,” Hyungwon replied and pulled Hoseok's shirt out of his pants, sinking to his knees to cover his abdomen in kisses and bites that remained on his skin even after the younger man had moved further. Skillful fingers quickly unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them down, not allowing him a single thought before heat wrapped around his dick and Hyungwon sucked intently, fingers playing with his nipples at the same time.

 _Fuck,_ was his first thought, accompanied by a moan and a rush of blood downwards, filling the space between the other man’s thick lips quickly.

_Wait. He said it was an emergency._

“Did you tell me it was an emergency to blow me?” Hoseok asked, curling his fingers into the black hair and pulling roughly, adrenaline returning as if it was never gone in the first place.

Hyungwon tried to continue, but his strong grip kept the younger man from it, causing a soft moan instead.

“It was an emergency, I told you that I need you,” the black-haired man replied and licked over his lips, eyes pitch black and hands immediately roaming Hoseok's naked body under his shirt. Once he grew tired of it, Hyungwon unbuttoned it quickly and removed it from his shoulders.

_He made you drive 80km per hour through the inner city because he ‘needed you’._

“You are fucking crazy, aren’t you?” Hoseok pulled at the black hair, baring the delicious neck. “I was speeding, told the people at the photoshoot I’d do it next time and left all of my expensive equipment there.” Licking over his lips, he crouched down and sunk his teeth into the soft skin, humming into the bite.

“But instead you can hold me in your arms and taste me which is more than worth it,” Hyungwon replied and moaned softly, automatically baring more of his neck and leaning back on his arms. The younger man easily rearranged enabling Hoseok to lean over him as he spread his legs and wrapped them around Hoseok's back, crossing them at his ankles.

Hyungwon’s right hand slipped between them and his index finger drew circles on the tip of his dick, rubbing along the slit while he moaned at the bite marks Hoseok left on his skin.

“Fuck, I want to throw you against a fucking wall,” he hissed, fingers unbuttoning Hyungwon’s silk shirt before he got impatient and ripped the rest with a quick pull. The sound of the buttons hitting the wooden floor was the only sound besides their irregular breaths.

“What the hell are you waiting for then? I want to mark you all over and I'm not hesitating.” Moaning again, Hyungwon scratched over his thigh, leaving red lines that disappeared again as he pulled his jeans even lower, getting rid of them while attempting to do the same with his own. It was difficult while lying down, so the black-haired man lay down properly and lifted his arms out of the way, hinting at Hoseok to undress him.

He didn’t take off his own jeans because he didn’t want to. Out of pure stubbornness. Instead, Hoseok pulled down the younger man’s jeans and underwear, leaving him in the silk shirt and lifted him from the floor, his own shirt dropping to his feet as the slim back hit the nearest wall. His teeth nibbled on the delicious skin and he wanted to get drunk on the intoxicating scent. Hyungwon smelled like everything that he liked.

“Fuck, bite me,” the black-haired man moaned and wrapped his arms around his neck, tugging at his hair and holding on tightly with his long legs. “Come on, you've been holding back long enough.”

He groaned, pulling the light silk fabric from Hyungwon’s shoulders and pressing the younger man into the wall with his hips to free his hands.

“Give me your wrists,” he hissed.

Hyungwon smiled, teeth settling on his bottom lip in anticipation as he removed his arms from around Hoseok's neck and stretched his slim wrists towards him. The younger man was more than stunning, like an open book that revealed everything for him to see.

Hoseok leaned in and placed a kiss on both wrists, before tying them with the silky fabric, making sure it wasn’t too tight, but tight enough. Curling his hands around Hyungwon’s firm thighs, he lifted him and carried him to the bedroom, entering by kicking the door open. ‘I want you’ he mouthed against Hyungwon’s lips.

‘Then take me,’ the younger man mouthed back, revealing how much he wanted him with each gaze and every single tremble that passed through his gorgeous body.

Hoseok didn’t have any thoughts and his body moved all on its own, placing Hyungwon’s gorgeous form like a wrapped present on the white sheets as he took the lube out of the drawer and held a condom in front of his face in question, waiting for the younger man’s decision.

Hyungwon shook his head quickly and chewed on his bottom lip while observing him, revealing how important the simple decision was for him.

“I want to feel all of you,” the black-haired man whispered, tied wrists arranged above his head.

“I want to feel all of you too, but I also want you to scream like you’ve never screamed before. I will kiss and bite you, hit and rub all the nice spots mercilessly until you beg me to stop,” Hoseok whispered back, crawling onto the bed and lifting Hyungwon’s leg, teeth immediately sinking into his inner thigh, travelling higher until he was right where he wanted to be, lifting the other man’s lower body with a bright grin. “Shit, you’re so fucking beautiful.”

“I told you I'm worth it,” Hyungwon mumbled but it didn't sound as confident because of the low moan that left the other man’s lips right after. The younger man held onto his pillow with his tied hands while attempting to lift his legs a little and give Hoseok easier access to his body. “I was going mad. Fuck, I'm still going fucking mad.”

“No, babe, I was going fucking mad because you pulled the emergency card and I rushed here like a crazy bastard disregarding everything around me, fuck, and I actually wanted to wait till the evening to tell you some awesome news.” Smiling, Hoseok licked over Hyungwon’s entrance and blew air, hot then cold, fingers digging into his firm butt.

“When-” Hyungwon gasped and hit the pillow with his hands, a hit that was probably meant for him, “when will you finally shut the fuck up and fuck me? You always talk so much, God. At this point an emergency is the only way I get a taste of you.” A gorgeous whimper betrayed the younger man as his body tensed and he attempted to pull Hoseok closer with the help of his long legs.

“Shhhh,” Hoseok shushed him before pushing his tongue inside Hyungwon while preparing his fingers. The response was nice, so he tasted the tight body for a little longer, before leaning back with a grin, licking his lips and circling the entrance that contracted in anticipation of his lube-covered digits. “I will never shut up because I want to talk to you, even when I’m one, two fingers deep inside you. I love how you lose it, I love how you tremble and try to move to feel more.” Hoseok inserted two digits at once, curling them and rubbing against the swollen spot, lips immediately attaching to one of Hyungwon’s dark, small nipples that felt so nice against his tongue.

A loud moan was his reward, low and as breathy as he loved it. Blush covered Hyungwon's cheeks and the way the black-haired man glanced to the side suggested the color on his face was a reaction to his words instead of his fingers. Sucking his lips into his mouth, Hyungwon attempted to move down and meet the motions of his fingers, shaking from each perfect hit.

“Shit, just like that,” the younger man whispered and spread his legs wider, lifting them higher and moaning out loud. Since his hands were tied there was no way to cover up those gorgeous sounds that echoed through the room. “I want you so much, so fucking much, Hoseok. I don't give a shit about sex, but you- fuck.”

“I touched myself while thinking about you. In the shower. Every fucking time. The way you just drop the shell is better than any arousing picture, better than my imagination, better than anything. It makes me want to take you, worship you, paint the pretty blush on your cheeks like an artist, fuck, you’re such a turn on for me.” He let a third finger join and left bite marks on Hyungwon’s chest, his neck, his flat stomach. Hoseok couldn’t get enough, no matter how much time passed.

“I-” Hyungwon moaned loudly, contracting around his digits and messing up his black hair with every rough motion of his head. “I fucked myself with a toy while waiting for you to write to me, to make sure you read it immediately and would come. It's manipulative but I don't give a single shit. Fuck me, Hoseok.” The brief hesitation in the beginning was a perfect sign that the black-haired man didn't mean to share such facts, blushing a little more and whimpering from the stimulation.

“You snake,” Hoseok hissed, removing his fingers and spreading lube over his painfully hard dick. “You gorgeous fucking snake.” He leaned in to catch Hyungwon’s thick lips in a rough kiss, licking into the hot mouth, a moan caught between their lips. Aligning their hips, Hoseok decided for the wonder angle and let the younger man’s long legs rest over his thighs as he waited for Hyungwon to relax and pushed himself in halfway, holding the air in his lungs.

“Please,” Hyungwon begged suddenly, tied hands holding onto the sheets so tightly that his knuckles turned white. The younger man seemed so desperate, mouth open and thighs flexed even though he should have relaxed to ease the slide. “Fucking please.”

“It will feel so much nicer if you let me move, but you need to relax first,” Hoseok said, one hand stroking over Hyungwon’s right thigh while his other hand played with the other man’s nipple.

There was a brief nod, no more as Hyungwon covered his face with his tied palms, and inhaled slowly, keeping the air in his lungs until he exhaled. Hoseok felt the resulting contractions and observed the way the slim chest fell slowly. Suddenly, the black-haired man removed his hands and reached for the headrest of the bed, using it to push his body down and burry Hoseok deeper inside of him. A low moan was the result of that.

“Move,” Hyungwon whispered, meeting his gaze and chewing on his lips. “Please.”

Hoseok nodded and curled one hand around the round hips while his other stayed at the tiny dark nipple because it was self love and he couldn't let go, brushing his fingertip over the erect bud repeatedly. Moving back, he rolled his hips into the tight heat, moaning loudly but paying attention to the angle and to Hyungwon’s reaction. It needed to be fucking perfect.

A desperate scream was the confirmation of his efforts as Hyungwon threw his head back and attempted to meet his thrusts, erection twitching between his legs whenever it was a particularly nice one. It didn't take long for the beautiful man to become delirious, tugging at the sheets helplessly and moaning his name. The sight was breathtaking, a treasure that only he was allowed to see. He was greedy, so fucking greedy, but he wanted to see more, hear more, get delirious too. Picking up the pace, he increased the force with which his hips slammed into the younger man’s body, loud moans spilling from his lips and orgasm approaching faster than it would have if he paid attention.

“Do you want this? Do you want me like this?” he asked, sucking in a desperate breath while his movements turned more sensual for a few seconds.

Hyungwon's eyes focused on his as the black-haired man lifted his back from the mattress for a few seconds to push Hoseok's head through the space between his thin arms, holding on tightly without untying his wrists as he sat up to kiss him deeply, rough breaths mixing.

“You're mine,” Hyungwon murmured and nibbled on his bottom lip with his teeth, rolling his hips carefully.

“I am,” he whispered back, wrapping his arms around the slim waist and helping Hyungwon’s movements, improving the angle and moaning desperately at the hundredth time he had pushed back his orgasm. “I’m yours, you can have me.”

The black-haired man looked vulnerable, overwhelmed by his words as he removed his arms from around his neck and pushed him back until Hoseok was lying on the mattress. Hyungwon looked gorgeous with his hands tied, bottom lip caught between his teeth and eyes rolling back in pleasure as he slammed his hips down, riding him with rough motions that pulled moans from his throat and mixed with his own. This time the black-haired man didn't try to hold back his pleasure or to avoid the spot that made him scream.

They were both on the verge, he could feel it, the contractions and the leaking tip of Hyungwon’s pretty, long erection, the way he couldn’t hold back his moans, how his hands roamed all over the model’s gorgeous body, playing with his nipples and undoing the knot around his wrists.

“I’m so close, fuck,” he whispered, throwing the shirt to the side.

“Then come for me,” Hyungwon managed to reply, gasping loudly as he sped up his motions and wrapped his right hand around his own erection, stroking it along with his movements. The black-haired man only needed a few thrusts of his hips until his body spasmed around Hoseok and he slowed down, low scream leaving his lips as he covered his hand and Hoseok's stomach in his release. It was just in time, so he took the round hips and rolled them over his twitching erection, releasing himself inside the tight heat, desperate inhales and moans turning into some strange mixture, but it was authentic.

“I love you so much, fuck,” Hoseok whispered, barely able to breathe, removing the sweat from his forehead before reaching for Hyungwon’s beautiful face, stroking along his cheek that only started to get shiny with the tiny little drops of sweat that made him look like he was made out of gold.

“I love you too,” Hyungwon whispered back with a smile and leaned down to kiss his lips, shifting a little on top of him. “I can't believe I could finally be close to you. I felt like I was going mad on my own. Even now I just want to keep riding you until you faint.”

“Violent, I love it,” Hoseok commented and laughed briefly, pulling the younger man down for another kiss. “It sounds kind of intriguing. But didn’t you tell me you were fine without sex?”

“Emphasis on ‘was’.” Hyungwon laughed and kissed back with vigor until he leaned back again and rolled his hips, chuckling when Hoseok moaned. “I think it's because I feel at ease with you. There is no pressure to remain in control and feel uncomfortable with your size just to make sure you feel good enough to do whatever it is I want you to do. I don't even know why I'm telling you this, but you're the person I feel the safest with, already, even when we didn’t trust each other. I just knew that you'd never touch me without my consent. God, now I'm talking way too much.” The younger man sucked his lips into his mouth and rolled his hips again, contracting on purpose.

“It’s never too much, no matter how much you talk. I love listening to your low voice and I feel safe with you too. Except when you shit me that you have an emergency and make me drive through the whole city,” Hoseok hissed and rolled his hips roughly, but it must’ve felt nice, nice enough to keep Hyungwon from answering as he threw his head back and moaned.

“Fucker,” the black-haired man muttered and slid up, ignoring the fact that there was cum as he slipped back down, repeating the whole thing a few times as teeth remained on his bottom lip to contain the sounds. “I had no fucking choice because we could never be alone, so I had to change my strategy. I'm glad to know that I'm important enough to disregard traffic rules though. Sweet.”

“Shut up,” he whispered, sitting up and clashing their lips together in a deep kiss that lost some of its prior roughness on the way. “Of course you are important, but you ruined my surprise because I wanted to tell you some cool news. Bad boy.”

“Is this the point at which you punish me and I like it?” Hyungwon asked, voice breathy and lips closing around his earlobe to suck on it. “It’s also sweet that you needed less than a minute to tell me to shut up after preaching that I can never talk too much. If you want me to shut up, you might have to make me.”

“I can easily make you shut up,” he whispered and grinned, pulling at the black hair until their gazes locked. “I found your sister.”

***

There were a few things that Hyungwon considered himself particularly good at. Among those were getting what he wanted, convincing others of his opinion and lying. Most people wouldn't consider those very good talents, but they had brought Hyungwon where he was now, successful, good-looking and sitting on top of the man he was in love with.

The man that had just told him that he found his sister.

“You what?” he muttered, freezing in the middle of another hip roll and eyes widening comically as he stared at Hoseok's gorgeous face.

_No fucking way, she'd immediately move away if he did._

“Yes. We talked, drank coffee, I threw a bra at her, all the things people do when they get along well. Would you like to visit her? But I think we should call first, she's very particular about her messiness.” Hoseok let his fingers dance over his waist, glancing at him from under the black bangs.

“You- you’re fucked in the head,” Hyungwon replied, simply because he didn't know what else to say. He couldn't imagine Hyungjoo voluntarily drinking coffee with Hoseok, even if she had approved of him before leaving. It wasn't like his sister to allow anybody to see the way she lived and how she worked. But the descriptions sounded too real, too much like her. In addition, he couldn't imagine Hoseok lying to him, not about that. “How the hell did you find her? She doesn't allow anybody in.”

“Amelie bribed my cousin, he works with the police and she needs to register, so… but the rest was super exciting because she pulled me into the building as if I was the police and she was a drug dealer, but then she got my point, made me coffee and was nice. She had to tell me to fuck off to compensate, but it was after I said that I was going. She's so stubborn, wow.” The older man brushed his hair back and sighed while Hyungwon couldn't believe Hyungjoo let Hoseok in despite having to minimize private interactions outside of work. At least that was what got her into trouble before. “But she's your family and if you’d like to know where she is and be able to contact her, I have the details.”

“Shit,” Hyungwon whispered, feeling as the emotions welled up and he was in a way too compromising position to start crying out of nowhere. “She could be dealing drugs for all I know. I only have hypotheses, no clear info on what she's doing because she doesn't want me to know. But I'm pretty sure she's doing the same as she was years ago to take care of me. I can't believe you found her. How many fucking cousins do you have? Or is Kihyun with the police? Fuck.” He punched Hoseok's chest to keep himself from crying, thighs shaking from emotions this time instead of pleasure.

“I have a few, my dad has four siblings and they all have kids, so. A lot. She was super reluctant to let you know where she is because she thinks you need to be protected, but in my opinion it's better to know than to act as if a person doesn't exist. She even gave me her number and I checked,” Hoseok commented and giggled, proud of himself.

_She must trust him, just like that._

“I can't believe this,” he murmured and punched Hoseok's chest again before biting down on his cheek. It was enough to hurt but it still didn't keep his eyes from watering. “Fuck, you can't tell me all this while I'm literally sitting on your dick, you asshole. Are you trying to find my ripped apart family, so you don't have to replace it?”

_Your bitterness is coming through._

Hyungwon felt sorry about the words as soon as they left his lips, but he couldn't help them when a tear had already run down his cheek.

Hoseok observed him for a few seconds, before lifting his hips and removing the remnants of their love making with the bed sheets. The strong arms curled around him and pulled him in a hot hug.

“I never tried to replace anything and I can't replace your family, that's why I told her to stop acting like a kid because I can't replace her. The space you have with Amelie and me is a different one. You can be with us, but you probably also get tired and want to rest. It's fine and we are there if you need us. Does it make you feel as if I'm pushing you away?” the low voice asked, warm palm stroking over his messy hair.

“No,” he replied and brushed his left hand over his face, unwilling to cover it with cum in addition to tears. “I'm just scared that it's bullshit and won't get me anywhere. I'm so happy that it feels fake.”

Hyungwon had tried to find out before, asked her for it to get a chuckle and a kiss in return, no more. There was always something secretive about Hyungjoo, as if the years she had taken care of him were enough for her, enough to keep their interactions to a minimum.

“I thought she was tired of me to be honest, only coming back when she really had to because she broke work rules again and had to change clubs.”

“I think she loves you too much and can't show it because it makes her vulnerable. But what do I know? I can only say that she listened to me and I think she got my point. Whatever it is, you will need to work on it.” Hoseok grabbed his face with both palms and kissed him tenderly.

There were so many changes at once, the lack of loneliness in his life, the lack of family that was replaced by so many people in a matter of months. Hyungwon didn't feel prepared, but at the same time he didn't want it to stop. He wanted to keep changing, to feel as happy and close to tears as he did at that exact moment.

_But you're the only one changing._

“She might move away if I go to her,” he muttered, remembering how quickly Hyungjoo had disappeared out of his life as soon as he asked too many questions. “I don't think she'd even let me into her apartment, not to mention give me coffee.”

“Wait a second.” Hoseok got up and walked away before coming back with wet tissues and his phone pressed against his ear. Holding it with his shoulder while giving zero fucks about being naked, Hoseok wiped over his stomach and thighs with a smile on his face. Suddenly there was cursing on the other end of the line.

_It's really her._

“Oh, hey, I'm happy to hear your voice too. Are you busy? Don't lie, it's 6 p.m. , you can't be busy,” the older man commented and grinned, cleaning his butt in the process. “So as you're super stubborn, how about you come for dinner tomorrow? To my place. No, it's not a family reunion and you better not curse because my daughter will report you to the police if she hears it. You'll be done before nine and I'll come to pick you up.” Hoseok got rid of the tissues and sat down next to him. “Either that or I'll bring your brother to visit you... I thought so, see you tomorrow, don't wear the pink bra, I'm traumatized.”

Hyungwon stared, mouthing ‘you crazy bastard’ while Hoseok kept blackmailing his sister into a meet up. He would have been scared had he not considered himself capable of doing worse things.

There were more curses accompanied by Hoseok's laugh before the older man hung up. “Tomorrow at six.”

“Amazing,” he hissed, unable to imagine how his sister, Hoseok, Amelie and him fit into one single equation. Math was really not the right area for solving family issues. “She might hate you in the long run, I wouldn't recommend that. Fuck, I might also have to cancel a pictorial, one that I even lost weight for.”

“I don't think she hates me; she's not used to someone like me, but I think we do understand each other. You're sorry about your pictorial? I'm also sorry about mine and all my equipment is still there, fuck my life. Do you even know how I parked? Shit,” Hoseok hissed and jumped up, running towards the hallway before coming back, placing a kiss on his butt cheeks, slapping them lightly and disappearing again to get dressed.

“I know how you parked, like shit as always,” Hyungwon yelled after him before laughing loudly, standing up to take a thorough shower. “Admit it, you're happy that you came!”

_Just like you are happy that he found Hyungjoo._

Hyungwon felt excited, heart still beating furiously independent of his recent orgasm. He was euphoric, looking forward to seeing his sister under different circumstances, close to the people he had grown to love.

_Maybe she will want to stay after seeing how much you’ve changed._

Hyungwon really hoped that she had changed too, enough to value the way he had opened up and dared to be himself.

_

Family was supposed to be calming, the people that could be infuriating but in the end they were the ones that were there when you needed them the most and could be relied on. Hyungwon attempted to keep that definition in mind as he sat on Hoseok's couch and winced as Amelie threw her tiny body with full force on top of him.

It was a game he hadn't figured out yet. Apparently it consisted of the little sunshine climbing up on the armrest of the couch and jumping on top of him while singing part of the Frozen soundtrack. Something about ‘for the first time in forever’.

“I can't believe that your dad found my sister,” he commented when Amelie barely missed his balls and he felt the necessity to wrap her in his arms and not let her repeat the whole thing. He was also exhausted from the thoughts inside his head and needed to focus on something else but his sister's ability to disappear as soon as she felt uncomfortable. He also had no idea whether Hyungjoo and children were a good combination.

“Yes, I told my uncle to please find her for me. It was me! But it was dad’s idea. Does she look a lot like you?” The girl asked and glanced towards the door, probably waiting for Hoseok to return.

_He's doing so much for you, you'll have to try hard to keep up at this point._

“Yeah, only with a slightly smaller upper lip and a way bigger chest,” Hyungwon remarked until he realized that it might not have been the smartest thing to say. More than once Amelie had repeated something that he had said to the person in question. There was that one time when he had a photo shoot with Kihyun and the guy smeared mud on his face for the picture before saying ‘the only one who looks nasty is you, Chae’. He remembered that he had told the kid that her uncle looked nasty. Smiling, he quickly thought about how to finish off with something nice. “She's really pretty.”

“I can’t wait to meet her!” Amelie yelled and jumped down again, burying her bony knee in between his legs as he heard the lock and shuffling in the hallway. Hyungwon winced and lifted the little girl as quickly as he could, wondering how Hoseok even managed to be fertile at this point. His adrenaline returned full force and he wrapped his arms around Amelie before throwing her over his shoulder for revenge.

“That's your punishment for kicking me between my legs,” he muttered and made his way towards the hallway to distract himself from the mess inside his head. Hyungjoo was dressed in tight jeans, red heels and a white blouse that showed off her collarbones. She looked a little less revealing than Hyungwon was used to and rolled her eyes at Hoseok who was busy hanging up her jacket.

“Hello little one,” she commented once she saw him and winked while slipping out of her heels. Then her attention switched to Amelie who wiggled so much that he had to let her down. “So unusual now that there's another little one. What's your name, pretty?”

“My name is Amelie! You are pretty, but your lip is really smaller than Hyungwon’s.” Grinning brightly the girl went over and hugged his sister out of the blue.

Hyungjoo was so surprised that she missed judging him for pointing out their lips, hugging the little girl back awkwardly instead while brushing over Amelie's black hair.

“You have gorgeous eyes,” she remarked and glanced at Hoseok, as if to make sure they weren't his. “They are so bright that you can probably shine all on your own in the darkness. And now I need a coffee, god. Hoseok talks like his life depends on it.”

“He does,” Hyungwon agreed with a chuckle and looked at the older man, feeling his chest constrict and warm up at the same time. Hoseok could probably see it, but he didn't mind, he wanted the black-haired man to see it.

_Because you're thankful even if you'd never say it out loud._

“Shht. You have to be attentive, Choux. Hyungjoo might curse and then you will have to report her to the police, okay?” Hoseok placed both palms on his sister’s back and pushed her into the kitchen, laughing loudly.

“Your sister looks like a princess,” Amelie whispered and took his hand, holding on tightly. “It’s so strange to have so many people at home.”

“Families grow,” Hyungwon replied quietly and pulled the little girl along to the kitchen, realizing that they barely fit around the table as four people. His heart was still thumping in his chest and he pulled Amelie on top of his lap as they sat down. He needed it somehow.

Hyungjoo didn't even bother joining them at the table and began opening all of the cupboards, glancing inside.

“You have pretty plates. I'm disappointed, I was expecting Disney princesses, but it's just fancy ceramics.” Pouting on purpose, his sister looked at him, as if she knew that he was losing it.

“Disney princesses are bad female role models,” Hoseok commented and closed the cupboard door Hyungjoo was holding, pushing the woman into one of the chairs. “I'll make you a coffee, you're here to see your brother and not my porcelain, gosh.” Hoseok shook his head and winked at Amelie, blowing her a kiss.

“Well, Disney tells you that as long as you are pretty there will be a dumb, strong man to take care of you. Hopefully with some extra cash up his sleeves. Maybe not the best outlook, but being pretty helps.” Shrugging, Hyungjoo smoothly kicked Hoseok under the table, face not changing a single bit. “But you already have everybody wrapped around your fingers, Amelie. You even helped your dad to find me.”

Hyungwon decided not to comment and stroked over the little girl's black hair, thankful that she kept him from feeling awkward.

“Hyungjoo is a few years older than me, she's your dad's age. Can you tell, Amelie?”

“Stop revealing my secrets, you d- dumbass,” his sister hissed, not improving her insult by much.

Hoseok’s daughter opened her mouth in shock, before pointing at him with a judgmental expression on her small face.

“You shouldn’t call him that, he was so sad that he couldn’t see you. Why would you insult someone who almost cried because he missed you so much?” Amelie glared at his sister, crossing her arms and ready to fight.

“She doesn’t mean it, Choux, she just talks like that,” Hoseok commented, placing the plates in front of them.

“I- well, I'm just telling him not to spill my secrets. I don't actually think that he's a dumbass.” Hyungjoo looked shocked, lost because she’d never had to take back an insult in her life. Hyungwon could clearly see how his sister glanced at him, uncomfortable because now she knew that he had been close to tears because of their separation. “I'm... sorry for leaving just like that. I thought you were happy on your own.”

_Well, fuck._

Hyungwon swallowed and stared at his hands around Amelie, avoiding the equally big eyes to not have to deal with the emotions in his chest. He didn't know what he expected from meeting Hyungjoo at Hoseok's apartment but an apology hadn't been it.

“I think they need to eat Choux,” Amelie commented, jumping from his lap and grabbing Hoseok’s hand. “We can leave them and go buy some!” Hoseok smiled brightly, nodding and waved at them on his way out of the kitchen.

“We’ll be back in twenty minutes, you both really look as if you need some sweets.”

_What a smart little girl._

“Precious with wits, huh?” his sister commented and chuckled, sharing the same opinion as she crossed her legs and leaned over the table to stare at him properly. “Now you can't hide behind a little girl anymore. Were you really that upset about me leaving? You always look so fucking annoyed as soon as I step foot into your apartment.”

“Because you are,” Hyungwon muttered, unable to just speak the truth. It was so easy with Hoseok, but apparently not with the only family he had left. “You're fucking annoying because you disappear right after, as if you've never been there in the first place. One might think you're pretty high on the list of people that like to use me.”

“Ouch, that cut deep.” Hyungjoo chuckled and scratched her nails over the table as she leaned back and crossed her arms. “I felt like you didn't want to have anything to do with someone like me after learning all you need to learn and being your fabulous self. You know, become independent then bite the hand that feeds you.”

“That's bullshit.” Hyungwon couldn't believe Hyungjoo genuinely thought he was somebody to abandon his family because he had gotten famous and didn’t want to have anything to do with her. “How does me being a model make you any less relevant to me? Have you watched too many movies? I don’t understand where that conclusion comes from. I’m not showing what I think because you fucking told me not to, so people don’t step on my feelings.”

“You’ve perfected it.” His sister laughed and covered her face with her hands, big with long fingers just like his own. “This is so fucked up, I can’t believe it. I never really thought you’d want me around. I mean- I still don’t want you to know what my life is like, but if you want me to pop by I guess I can. I just don’t get what it gives you.”

_What does it give you?_

Hyungwon would have laughed had the whole thing not made him terribly sad. It felt like he had locked himself up in a prison and threw the key into the sea because it ‘seemed right’. Why couldn’t the two of them just be like other siblings, without thinking up their own problems? Somehow he had been convinced that they had enough issues already.

“I don’t know what it could give me. Mmh, let me think, family maybe? The only fucking person that knows me and happens to still be alive? What do you think it gives me? We’re much more similar than you constantly try to tell yourself and I enjoy your company, even if I might not support your life choices.”

Hyungjoo swallowed, long fingers reaching out to cover her mouth, to hide the response she must have had to his words.

“Fuck,” she whispered, not saying anything else as she blinked a few more times than necessary and glanced at the ceiling.

_She’s emotional, just like you._

“Why do we need a fucking eight-year-old to solve our problems?” he muttered and played with his cuticles, pulling at them as a clock displayed each passing second on the kitchen wall.

“Maybe it’s easier to see the world from the ground, all that arrogance doesn’t get to your head.” His sister shifted her gaze to his face, smiling a little. “I still don’t want you to see my apartment, not unless I cleaned it.”

_She actually wants you to come?_

Hyungwon knew the older woman in front of him and that was as close to an invitation as he could get.

“I’d love that,” he replied quietly and rubbed over his cheeks, hating how his face ended up being swollen when he felt emotional.

“And I love how much you look like a balloon.” Laughing loudly, the black-haired woman pulled a hair tie from her jeans pocket and collected the long, silky strands in a ponytail. It was very much like her to fumble with her hair whenever she didn’t want to focus on her current feelings. “You got lucky with your boyfriend, I’ll give you that. But trust me, a few more months and I’ll get myself a hottie too, preferably one that doesn’t ditch me once I’m convinced to stop working.”

The conversation was unusual, the openness with which Hyungjoo addressed something that she had needed several months to talk about before. Of course it had also been Hyungwon’s fault. He hadn’t even bothered to ask until he began to worry because he had gotten used to the older woman’s presence in his apartment.

_Maybe she only didn’t open up because you never dared to ask._

Hyungwon was prepared to change that.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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The door closed with a loud sound and it was fine because nobody was there to get scared or scold him, or laugh, calling him Hulk. Amelie had been at his parents over the past few days and would only come back Saturday. It was Wednesday and it was remarkable how empty his apartment felt without his daughter, as if everything that made him feel alive disappeared and only left guilt and the wish to drown in alcohol until she was back.

_But you need the break. You can’t take care of her while feeling like this._

He did. The time with Amelie was wonderful, she was wonderful, but his energy drained with each passing day and his relationship to Hyungwon didn’t make it any easier. If he compared his previous situation to balancing on a thin thread, then having another person next to him resembled a weight that someone tied around his neck while he tried to move forward.

_You are scared to fall._

He felt like it, nauseous just from looking down at what awaited him at the bottom. Over the past few days he’d replied to the younger man’s messages only sporadically, unsure what to say without giving away his state. Hoseok didn’t want to talk about himself, especially now that the beautiful black-haired man looked so happy, spending time with his sister and building a stable connection with his only family. It wasn’t his place to interfere.

_Because what you two have can’t be described as being as deep a relationship that a family has._

The thought hurt, but it wasn’t something Hoseok didn’t know. Hoseok had told Sarah about it, the remnants of their relationship, dirty and painful.

_She still cries. So much._

Thankfully, Hyungwon wasn’t there often enough to see his daughter’s breakdowns that happened after she was teased at school or had a bad dream, sobbing into his pajamas and begging him to make her feel better.

_You can’t do it because you’re the reason that she is like this._

Chuckling to himself with such bitterness that he could almost taste it on his tongue, he slipped out of his shoes and walked towards the big shelf in the living room, getting a champagne glass. Observing it for a few seconds, Hoseok changed his mind and put it back, taking a big wine glass instead, glancing at the bottle of champagne in his hand. It didn’t fucking matter, the wine glass was bigger.

_You didn’t buy wine only because you don’t know where you put the wine bottle opener on your birthday._

Again, Hoseok chuckled, walking towards the curtains and pulling them to the side to at least enjoy the night view while drinking himself into oblivion. The night was long and he had two bottles, so there was a possibility that he would knock himself out and sleep without any disturbances. Just to feel like shit the next morning.

_But at least the bodily response prevents you from suffering differently. It distracts so well._

Sinking into the soft cushions of his couch, he placed the wine glass on the table and started fumbling with the bottle. The action triggered a memory of Hyungwon’s long fingers curling around a bottle of cheap champagne, lifting it to his lips as the beautiful man drank right from the neck. It seemed like a different reality. His reality was being alone in his apartment on a Wednesday evening, drinking and thinking about all those things he didn’t manage to do and all the mistakes he had made that led to him hurting the people he loved. One might have thought nothing had changed.

_Apart from the fact that he was here, last time when you felt like this._

But Hyungwon wasn’t his personal comfort boy, he had his own life, it had been clear from the start. The talks about family and whatnot were nice to hear, a compliment, but in the end, the black-haired man enjoyed his freedom, his big apartment, the lack of child limbs hitting him right where it hurt. Hoseok understood, he really did, but it didn’t prevent him from being devastated about it.

_Because it hurts._

His fingers were quick, opening the bottle with a loud pop and pouring the sparkling liquid into the wine glass, filling about half of it to remain decent. At least in front of himself. At least during the first hour. At least…

_Don’t shit yourself._

Playing pretend had been nice for the first couple of weeks, making dinner for more than two people, watching movies and cuddling together once in a while. It had been nice, but the frequency decreased and the way he had felt returned, slowly, steadily, until it all led to this moment, sitting alone on his couch and drinking until there was nothing. Just the way he did it before because he felt lonely and nothing was able to make it stop apart from loss of consciousness.

_You can’t even go on a trip now._

His low chuckle sounded hollow in the empty room while the passing cars threw shadows on his ceiling. Being happy wasn’t his forte apparently. Sarah didn’t bother them, he had his daughter who did surprisingly well for a child that had her mother taken away and he even had a boyfriend, who was beautiful, exciting and caring.

_You saw his core but he still hasn’t seen yours._

There was nothing to see, just the dirty puddle, filled with tears, guilt and the inability to be happy. Thinking about Hyungwon’s core, he emptied his second glass, attempting to make the longing fade away under the influence of alcohol. He missed Hyungwon, but he also knew that seeing the other man wouldn’t have made it better. It was something that rotted inside of him and wasn’t there for others to see. Not for Amelie and not for Hyungwon.

_Now you have two people you have to protect from your internal darkness._

He hadn’t taken pictures he liked for ages, it was just work, only shooting what people wanted to see, applying techniques while feeling nothing. Simply nothing. Remembering how he took Hyungwon to the restaurant with the pictures he had shot hanging on the walls, it felt like a lie. It wasn’t him. He wasn’t able to capture it anymore. The core. He wasn’t even sure that he could see it.

_You haven’t looked at him for so long. There is always something on your mind, or there is always someone there. Do you even remember what it looked like?_

The dread spread in his stomach, burning like a fire, and his attempt to quench it with champagne only resulted in more burning, more pain.

_You don’t even remember it._

He felt so guilty, fuck. He hated himself for not being able to recollect the way Hyungwon slipped his shell off his slim shoulders, remaining bare for him, vulnerable. For what? For him to forget and feel guilty like in a never ending spiral that always led to the one point he wasn’t able to erase.

_It’s your fault. You’re not supposed to be happy after all the pain you have caused._

He wasn’t happy and it was okay, so why did it keep hurting so much?

_Because you don’t let him come closer, and he doesn’t try._

Suddenly there was the light sound of jingling keys that transitioned into the familiar metallic click that the door produced whenever Amelie unlocked it upon her return from school. But it couldn't have been Amelie. It was in the middle of the night and it was too silent. The following steps were slow, suddenly quieting down as if the person had taken off their shoes to make less noise.

“Who's there?” he asked into the darkness, pouring some of the champagne into the wine glass. Maybe he went completely insane, imagining sounds and steps because the loneliness was not bearable anymore.

“Why are you awake?” Hyungwon’s low voice asked back as the beautiful man appeared in the door frame of his living room, small face illuminated by the lights coming from the window and dressed in the blue shirt he had taken from Hoseok back then and never returned. It seemed like the man in front of him had walked right out of his imagination, a hallucination that satisfied his need for company.

_It would be nice if it was that easy._

“Don't know,” he lied, taking a sip of the sparkling liquid. His head felt heavy after emptying several glasses and talking felt heavy. “Why are you here?”

The black-haired man chuckled lowly, sound dark and resembling the way he felt.

“Don't know,” Hyungwon replied, lying right back as he slowly walked towards him, feet not making a single sound. “I see you have started without me.”

Reaching for the opened bottle, the younger man didn't bother with a glass and swallowed a few gulps before returning it to the table and wiping over his mouth.

“Some things never change, do they?” Hyungwon whispered and sank into the couch, head thrown back.

“I thought they did, but it seems as if they don't.” Emptying his glass, he placed it on the table and glanced towards the second bottle, wishing to finally pass out and stop suffering like this. Maybe he should've listened to his feeling when they sat together on his birthday. He had wanted to do the same back then.

“Some do, some don't. I thought I needed to be alone, but here I am, detesting it with every cell in my fucking body.” Again Hyungwon chuckled, this time silently. Only the way his chest and shoulders moved gave it away.

“Hyungjoo is working?” Hoseok grabbed the second bottle, removing the metal and carefully pulling out the stopper.

“I don't know, she has a life apart from seeing me. She also has an apartment, a place to be on her own and at peace. The way I thought I felt before.” Sighing, Hyungwon slipped closer on the couch and rested his head on Hoseok's shoulder, black hair tickling his neck. “Why are you asking? Hoping to hide away by finding somebody else for me?”

_Are you hiding? No, you're rotting._

“I'm trying to understand why you decided to come in the middle of the night and how you got the keys.”

“Magicians don't reveal their secrets.” The weight remained on his shoulder as Hyungwon breathed in slowly and kept the air in his lungs. The black-haired man's fingers travelled over the leather to his thigh, stroking along it carefully. It wasn't sexual, rather like an attempt to focus on the way it felt, motion slow and hesitant. “Back then, on your birthday, you said that you enjoy the way my core looks in the darkness and I replied that it's because it's just as dark. Do you remember?”

Hyungwon lifted his head and turned to him, eyes bright and easily reflecting the city lights. “I feel like you're the dark one tonight, showing yourself like you haven't for a long time.”

“But contrary to you, there is nothing beautiful about this. A dirty puddle stays and looks the same independent of the lighting.” The cork popped and the liquid spilled a little before he could catch it in his glass, hands shaky from being tipsy.

Hyungwon took the bottle from him, but instead of restraining his alcohol intake, the younger man finished pouring his glass.

“Funny that you say that considering I thought the same about myself until you began to convince me of the opposite.” Long fingers reached for his glass and lifted it to Hyungwon's plump lips as the black-haired man drank most of the champagne. “You have obviously never seen a dirty puddle before, comes from never switching on the light.”

“The switch is broken,” he whispered, turning to the side and observing the lights outside. Thinking about it, now Hoseok finally understood what being alone together really meant. It was the feeling of someone leaning against your shoulder combined with the lack of comfort it gave you.

“Then maybe you should fix it, or let the light from outside enter through the cracks.” Hyungwon returned the glass to the table and carefully wrapped his arms around his neck, fingers brushing stray strands away from his eyes. Hoseok couldn't see it, not until those fingertips turned his head and he met coffee-brown eyes, parted lips and the openness he enjoyed so much, the authenticity that he had fallen in love with in the first place. It was beautiful, but the feeling was hollow, a badly drawn copy of what he remembered. “I expected you to be asleep when I made my way here. I thought I was going to sit on the couch the way I did when you stayed over for the first time, and think about nothing and everything at and hate myself for being unable to turn off my brain. I came because I remembered that you made the feeling bearable, Hoseok. Who knows, maybe I can make whatever it is you're feeling bearable too.”

“I don't remember what your core looks and feels like,” he replied. “I have the impression that I'm trying to keep my head afloat but it doesn't work and I keep sinking.”

“Then maybe,” Hyungwon swallowed as a shimmer of hurt appeared in his eyes, fingers stroking over his face and pulling him a little closer, “you should look.”

Hoseok sighed and reached for the glass, curling his fingers around it and letting the sparking liquid flow down his throat.

“I'm blind. Everything is just black to me. You shouldn't look, it's scary.” He chuckled, taking another sip in the hope of increasing the effect of the alcohol. “I'll just be like this for a while and then go back to responsible Hoseok.”

“Bullshit,” Hyungwon hissed and grabbed his collar as he easily moved on top of his lap, angling his head to make him look at the beautiful face, plump lips pressed into a thin line in anger and eyes narrowed. “How can you pull authenticity out of me, but tell me not to look? You want to be left alone? Then you're with the wrong fucking person. Why can you see me at my worst, but hide from my gaze? Do you have double standards, Hoseok?”

_Do you?_

“I don't know. I thought we were alone together. Me, here on my couch drinking and you a thousand felt kilometers far away in your apartment. I guess the matrix glitched, that's why you're suddenly on my lap wanting to see the darkness. You wouldn't have bothered if you didn't come, so why now?” Glancing at the ceiling instead of the beautifully familiar face, Hoseok exhaled sharply.

Hyungwon tugged at his hair to meet his gaze, but less rough than it had been a moment ago.

“Because I was sitting in my apartment with a bottle of wine, just like you now and felt like shit. The difference is that I decided that I'm tired of it and that I need you. I ended up being the one to act. But I was thinking about you, you know? I thought that you're probably sleeping and wouldn't want to be disturbed, but here I am because I'm fucking desperate. What the fuck makes you think that I don't come to you because I don't want to?” The younger man's grip on his collar got tighter again and slim thighs squeezed his from an influx of emotions.

“I was thinking about you too. I know that you have your own life and I'm not blaming you for it. I just want to spare you from this, like Amelie,” Hoseok whispered and glanced into his wine glass this time, observing how the liquid tilted with the movements of his hand. “But I do miss looking at you.”

“Then why don't you?” Hyungwon whispered back, leaning in to place a kiss against the shell of his ear. “You've never asked me if I want to be spared, not even once. Have you ever seen me avoiding this? Leaving you to drown in your darkness? You aren't blind, you simply decide not to look because it's easier to do what you've always been doing.”

“You're mistaken. I miss looking at you knowing that I can't hurt you because you don't want me. But now I feel greedy and I hate myself and I don't want you to see all this, all this sea of guilt I'm drowning in. It's me being empathetic towards you.” Hoseok lifted his gaze, staring right into the coffee-brown eyes. “The situation right now only makes me feel lonelier.”

“Why can't I see it? Why should you feel guilty for wanting me? I thought we talked about this before, there is no reason for you to force loneliness on yourself. I also thought there was no choice, but there is. You only need to accept it, Hoseok. Why don't you? Why can't you accept me next to you as an equal, somebody you can share with instead of somebody you need to take care of and keep safe?” Hyungwon bit down on his bottom lip, so hard that a sign of pain appeared in his eyes. “I'm not a fucking child, Hoseok. I hoped that I would be somebody to rely on but apparently you have simply adopted me inside your stubborn head. Fuck, come here.”

The younger man leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his neck, holding on tightly and tickling his skin with each exhale. Hyungwon's hands stroked over his hair in slow motions, breathing irregularly as he embraced him.

“I don’t feel guilty wanting you, I feel guilty about my life choices. You can’t see it because you don’t dare to come close enough and I don’t let you. I don’t want you to see it and I don’t want you to be hurt, but I can’t help but feel so fucking unhappy.” His voice broke in the middle and he inhaled instead, trying to chase away the self-pity that he hated so much. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don't be. What you don't understand is that I see it, your vulnerability is what brought me to you in the same way that mine brought you to me. It's precious.” Hyungwon kissed his ear and continued along his jaw, littering his face with little caresses while keeping the tight embrace. “It's okay to be unhappy sometimes, but you don't need to be alone. Just let me hold you, take care of you, okay? You don't always have to be the strong one, you can also let go.”

“I can’t. I think I am the main problem here. I thought that I would feel less lonely if I had you next to me, being all greedy about wanting a relationship, but now I feel as if I’ve become lonelier instead. How am I supposed to make you both happy like this? If she is still crying in the night and you are still sitting at your place with a bottle of wine?” Lifting his hands to his face, Hoseok hid behind his palms, breathing steadily to hold back his emotional response.

Hyungwon froze, still hugging him but applying less pressure than he had a moment ago. The younger man moved back to look at his face, warm palms cupping his cheeks in an attempt to make their gazes meet.

“Is that it? You believe that you have to change everything for us to be happy? Are you a magician, Hoseok? Nobody can do that, you can't simply erase something that happened, but that doesn't mean the person isn't happy. Nobody can be happy all the fucking time. Why are you trying to reach the impossible?” White teeth settled on a plump bottom lip as the black-haired man sighed, forehead resting against his. “I'm happier than I've been in years and here you are blaming yourself for not reaching some unrealistic goal. What about you? Why aren't you working on your own damn happiness? You deserve every-fucking-thing in this world, but you distance yourself as if you're Prometheus who is damned to have his liver eaten for eternity. You make me want to slap you, pull you out of this vicious cycle of thoughts you repeat inside your head.”

“I’m scared,” he whispered, meeting Hyungwon’s gaze hands trembling. “I’m scared that I’ll break you like I broke my child and that I’ll change something about your beautiful core, Hyungwon. I won’t be able to live with that.”

Brown eyes observed him carefully, stroking along his nose bridge and lips, similar to the way he did it whenever he looked at the beautiful man. Hyungwon met his gaze, holding it while his thumb stroked over his cheek and turned the touch into reality, drawing small circles.

“I'm scared too,” the low voice whispered, exhaling slowly. “I'm scared that I'll do a terrible job at this family thing and won't be good enough for Amelie, that I'll remain the guy that just walked into her dad's life and didn't even manage to make him feel better in the end. I'm scared that I'll be another person that you need to take care of instead of somebody you can trust and lean on when things go to shit.”

“I’m so sorry,” Hoseok muttered as one tear made its way down his cheek, dropping from his chin as he couldn’t muster the strength to turn away, so Hyungwon wouldn’t see it. Instead he kept his gaze on the small face, the big eyes, the round nose and the plump lips, parted and so vulnerable.

Hyungwon shook his head, remaining quiet as he leaned in and kissed another tear from his eyes, thumbs brushing over the wet lines. The younger man’s expression remained emotional, eyes wet and lips trembling a little as he kept caressing Hoseok's cheeks, placing kisses on his forehead and the tip of his nose. Each action was drenched in affection, but Hyungwon didn't speak, embracing him tightly and sucking in his scent with each deep inhale.

“I want you to see my core, but what if you hate it? What if it will make you feel bad?” He let go of the glass, placing it on top of the table and reached for Hyungwon’s waist, wrapping his fingers around it carefully. His gaze stroked over the gorgeous face, taking in every single twitch. Hyungwon was so beautiful that he felt like sobbing.

“I have loved every single glance you allowed me until now, shouldn’t it be worth the risk?” the black-haired man replied and slipped closer on his lap, chests touching as warm exhales brushed over his face. “I was scared to allow you to see mine because I was so sure that it was rotten, that only the shell was worth seeing. But here we are.”

“I want to see you all the time, I miss looking at you and touching you and I miss taking pictures of you, but I have the feeling that I can’t allow myself to do all those things because I feel guilty for ruining Amelie’s family and because you have your own life and… god, I sound terrible, I’m so fucking sorry about being a mess.” He leaned closer and buried his face in the crook of Hyungwon’s neck. The deep inhales, filled with the other man’s scent made him feel a little better, as if it was okay to be this vulnerable.

Hyungwon’s fingers entangled with the strands of his hair as he stroked through it, stopping at his neck only to resume at the top of his head.

“It’s fine to be a mess. My nickname was beautiful mess for a pretty long time.” The younger man chuckled and kissed the top of his head. “Let’s start with me. I have my own life, a life that I want to intertwine with yours, so shouldn’t it be natural to do all those things you want to do? Simply because I want to do them too?” Shifting on top of him, Hyungwon lifted his chin with his index finger and smiled. “I don’t think you ruined Amelie’s family, I think you kept her away from someone that might have hurt her even more. Sure, maybe it could have been solved differently, with fewer arguments and less time spent on stretching your relationship out, but I still think that you did the right thing in the end. Nobody deserves to be unhappy, not you with a partner you don’t love and not your daughter with parents that fake their affection. Even if she has been hurt I think she is happier now. Amelie has shared a lot of thoughts with me and I am sure I am speaking the truth when I say that she is happy with you, even if she misses her mom sometimes.”

“What about you? Why would you want a guy with a kid? Because you like the way I look at you? That can’t be the case, can it?” he asked straight out, staring into Hyungwon’s brown eyes. It had made sense that the younger man wanted him, the affection and the looks, but it wasn’t only him, it was his family and his guilt that he carried around like a burden that never got lighter, no matter how much time passed.

“Haven’t I told you that I love you? Is that so difficult for you to grasp that I love you especially for all those weaknesses that you show?” Hyungwon stared back, hint of a smile remaining on his beautiful, red lips. “Had I not seen behind that thick shell of yours I might not have fallen in love with you, independent of the way you look at me. Your gaze made me curious, but your core made me stay.”

“How can you love me, if I hate myself so much?” he whispered, fingers tightening in the blue shirt Hyungwon was wearing. “It hurts so fucking much, I just want it to stop.” Reaching for his own black shirt, Hoseok started unbuttoning it, one by one, feeling how the devastation took over with every additional movement. He wanted to show the beautiful man what kind of darkness lived inside him, how the guilt ripped him apart and how he had given up the hope of becoming happy ever again. “Does it help? Does it help you if you show me how vulnerable you are? Does it make you feel better?” he asked, trying to give himself an additional reason to remove his shell. “What if I’m only the shell?”

“You're not,” Hyungwon whispered, shaking his head slowly. The younger man's hands stroked over his shoulders and caressed his uncovered chest, careful and affectionate. “You're not only the shell because I've seen what's inside, a hint, just like what I have been giving you. Showing you myself and hoping that there was something to see, that my core was worth it. Let me… let me see it too.”

Hoseok shivered, but not because of the cool air against his skin. It was the sensations, intertwining with the thoughts inside his head that created a potent mixture, giving every word, every touch a meaning that went beyond anything that he had experienced before.

“I want to show you.”

***

Meeting Hoseok had given Hyungwon several things. Company had been one of those, the knowledge that while he was sitting on his own couch with a glass of wine he could have been somewhere else. That he could have felt warm arms wrapped around him and regular breaths brushing over his naked shoulder as he might be convinced to do the same, finally fall asleep the way he wanted to.

_Insomnia is a bitch, even more so when you are alone._

No matter how much changed, his inability to fall asleep stayed like an old friend, striking him right when he felt at ease. The day had actually been positive, mostly filled with work and thoughts of Hoseok or Amelie who he had eaten ice cream with until the beautiful child was picked up by her uncle and said goodbye with a wet kiss to his cheek. The metallic keys that the little girl had given him remained on his living room table, mocking him by doing nothing at all.

Amelie’s words were simple, ‘you need them more than me now’ and Hyungwon felt the truth of that simple sentence burn at his temples. One might have thought the eight-year-old girl knew better what was going on inside his head than he did.

Hyungwon’s eyes constantly returned to the two keys, as if they were able to give him salvation, to free him from his unusually clear thoughts and disgust that developed the longer he remained on his own. The thoughts resembled a vicious cycle, turning endlessly around the same subject, his current situation, how lonely he felt whenever he returned home even though he should have been relieved after a long day. Insomnia played into the equation as a catalyst, showing him that everything remained the same with the exception that he knew what was missing, that there was something to miss.

Maybe that was the reason he had given in to temptation and grabbed the keys from his living room table, calling a taxi and riding all the way to Hoseok’s apartment. He knew exactly that it was selfish, that the black-haired man was most likely asleep and he only came to stop feeling alone, to be next to the person he loved and listen to calm breaths in the hope that his own were going to follow.

He disapproved of his motivation, but he couldn’t really help it. It was what he wanted, be close to Hoseok while shamelessly using the fact that the older man was without his daughter, without his usual responsibilities that might have kept him from accepting Hyungwon at his apartment in the middle of the night.

His carefulness upon entering the familiar living space hadn’t been necessary, not with the shell of a person that remained as Hoseok sat on his couch and fought to forget himself with the help of alcohol.

_The two of you are so similar, only that you are the one who fights for change in the end._

Hoseok might have resembled the shell of a person, but Hyungwon knew that he was more. He knew that there was guilt, responsibility and affection hiding behind all the bitter words and hurtful rejections. The black-haired man was trying to create distance because he was scared of opening up, naively believing that the gaze was the reason for Hyungwon’s infatuation.

_It’s not, it was his vulnerability that you got to know through his daughter and eventually the moments when he finally revealed it to you._

Hoseok’s evaluation of his core was a mirror image of the way Hyungwon had felt about himself before, the conviction that he was rotten from the inside, a terrible person that did not deserve any affection that moved beyond sexual attraction. He had been convinced, until Hoseok came along and began to remove the layers, showing fascination at what was hidden beyond.

_The same way you feel about him, but he doesn’t know it._

Hoseok was beautiful on the inside, vulnerable, loving and genuine. Hyungwon couldn’t get enough of it, of the gaze that appeared as soon as the black-haired man began to open the buttons of his shirt, removing superficial layers to make it easier to reveal the ones that lay deeper. He didn’t feel prepared, but he doubted that he ever could be. His breaths were ragged and his hands trembled, excited and worried at the same time. He wanted nothing more than to see Hoseok’s core, to treasure it and show how valuable it was.

_But what if he cannot see it? What if your eyes don’t show it the way his do?_

“It’s what I love the most about you,” he whispered and reached out to brush over the older man’s uncovered chest, hesitant to show how precious it was, how much the touch meant even if they had shared similar contact before. “Your core is.”

The older man wrapped his fingers around his waist and lifted him from his lap, glancing past him. After a few seconds passed, Hoseok stood up, walking towards the bedroom with shaky steps. There was shuffling, before the broad figure reappeared, shirt loosely hanging on the muscular shoulders and delicate fingers wrapped around a camera. It wasn't one of the big ones the photographer used for most of his photoshoots, instead he had brought the small ancient looking device he had seen when they'd met for the first time.

“Will you capture it for me? The core?”

Hyungwon observed the expression on the round face, the emotions that shone past the usually controlled facial features that Hoseok showed. His hands were trembling as he accepted the camera, scared to drop it with the adrenaline that rushed through his veins. He didn’t know if he could, but he wanted to. He wanted to be able to capture the older man’s core the way Hoseok had captured his, revealing its value to him.

Instead of replying he nodded and turned on the camera, aware of how precious an analogue model was nowadays. The device had obviously been used a lot and Hyungwon clearly remembered the way Hoseok’s eyes had reappeared after the black-haired man lowered the device after taking a shot. He even remembered his emotions in response to the shutter.

“Show me,” he whispered and returned his gaze to Hoseok’s face, the dark eyes and honesty that painted every inch of his facial expression.

There was a bit of hesitation that stretched during the next few seconds until Hoseok let his shirt slip down his shoulders and it fell to the floor. The delicate fingers reached for the button of his jeans, undressing quickly until there was only the pale body in the middle of the spacious room, shadows that the passing cars created sliding over the curves and dips, hiding one half of the older man's face, before illuminating it again. Already, Hyungwon wanted to press the shutter, but hesitated. He was scared to waste film and miss something important.

Hoseok walked a few steps towards him, only the black fabric of his underwear covering the gorgeous body, as he sank to the grey carpet, muscular arms wrapping around his knees and black, teary eyes staring at him from under the black bangs, rest of his face hidden by the pale forearms.

Hyungwon held his breath at the sight, resisting the urge to cry as his eyes burned and he lifted the camera to his eyes, meeting the older man’s vulnerable gaze and pressing the shutter. There was so much meaning to it, as if Hoseok made his state understandable to the outside, showing his thoughts and feelings with his position and his gaze instead of words. He was doing the one thing that Hyungwon had turned into his profession without revealing anything.

_But he is showing you everything._

He sank to his knees, crawling a little closer to show the right view, the gaze in those black eyes and the way they made him feel. He wanted to capture what he could see, not only what the older man expected him to see.

As soon as he was close enough, Hoseok's posture changed. Folding his arms on top of his knees, the black-haired man placed his chin on top of them, lips trembling and revealing the sadness in the curl of his mouth corners. A tear rolled down as Hoseok blinked, before staring right into his eyes.

Hyungwon pressed the shutter as the similarity of the situation caught up with him, Hoseok right in front of him with a tear running down his cheek as he took a picture. Swallowing, he reached out, brushing over the wet cheek with his thumb as he pressed the shutter again, catching the brief change in expression, the emotions that passed over Hoseok’s beautiful face. It was just like back then, only that Hoseok didn’t look away, allowing him to see every second as it passed and a new one began.

“It’s beautiful,” he whispered, meaning the core that was bared in front of him, delicate and precious. “You’ve been my mirror, so let me be yours.”

Hoseok let his upper body hit the carpet, arms spread and staring at the ceiling while the wet trails continued appearing on the pale cheeks. Hyungwon continuously pressed the shutter, capturing the motions as they happened, the light that reflected off the wet lines on Hoseok's cheeks, the shadows that created patterns on the muscular chest. He captured it all, adding a little bit of himself to every picture, every emotion he felt while observing Hoseok.

“It's so tiring, but I can't stop. I didn't do anything to free myself from this, I'll carry it until there's nothing.”

Turning to the side, the older man rested his head on his arms and observed him, teeth chewing on his swollen bottom lip.

“If I stretch out my hand towards you,” Hyungwon began and lowered the camera from his eyes, giving Hoseok the chance to see his face instead of the lens. He wanted the older man to see how he was able to make him feel. “Will you let me pull you out?”

He carefully removed his palm from his lap and lifted it in the air, stretching it out towards Hoseok, body visibly shaking.

“What if I pull you in instead?” Black eyes were looking right into his soul, deep like the sea Hoseok kept talking about. “What are we going to do then?”

_There is only one thing you can do._

Hyungwon smiled as he stood up, observing Hoseok's gorgeous face and the vulnerability that remained as the older man waited for his reply. Hyungwon's hand remained in the air and their eyes met as warm fingers wrapped around his, squeezing lightly. He smiled as relief he hadn't known he needed washed over him, fueling the warmth in his chest and the affection he felt towards the man in front of him.

There was no need to think about pain before it hit, the two of them didn’t need such worries.

“We’ll figure that out.”

_

Warm breaths tickled his shoulder, exactly the way he had imagined it. The difference was that they were more frequent than he had expected as Hoseok was still awake, arms curled tightly around his waist and face buried in the crook of his neck. Hyungwon enjoyed the scent of Hoseok's hair even though he could still tell that the older man had been drinking. A lot.

“Hoseok?” he asked, making sure that the gorgeous man was awake and listening before daring to ask a question he had put off until that exact moment.

His reply was a soft hum and a shift as black eyes met his, observing him intently.

“What is the cause of that sea surrounding you, the sea of guilt?” he asked softly and stroked over the black hair, resembling silk between his fingers.

Hyungwon had never dared to ask before, feeling like he shouldn’t know and could figure it out on his own. It must have been the divorce, the blame for Amelie’s tears that Hoseok claimed as his, even though the only person that was rotten and the source of their misery was Sarah.

_There is no reason for him to feel guilty if he was miserable before._

“The reason? It’s me. I am the reason.” The older man shifted closer, snuggling deeper into the crook of his neck. “She left because she said that I lied to her about my affection and that she couldn’t be next to me knowing that I’m gay and never really loved her. So, I am the reason that Amelie has no mother. You know, all those things that happened, the fights and the tears, all of it was because of me.”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened at how easily Hoseok attributed all the problems to himself, as if humans weren’t allowed to make mistakes or be unsure about themselves.

“That’s not true,” he whispered, specifically omitting a curse. “She is blaming you for being responsible and taking care of a child that is not only yours. You have never lied about your affection, because lying would mean that you knew exactly what it was. I know people like her, Hoseok. I was similar a few years ago. She wanted you to be the proof that her pretty shell was sufficient, but you couldn’t give her that, so she went berserk. You’ve done the right thing whereas she is the one hurting a child with her absence.”

“I can’t understand how she could abandon her. How could somebody do that? It doesn’t matter how much she hates me, but what does Amelie have to do with that? She misses her.” The older man was speaking quietly, fingers trembling against his sides. “But I can’t do anything, I feel so fucking helpless because I can do a lot, but I can’t be her mom and I can’t undo it.”

“I mean- I’m definitely not a replacement, but… does Sarah not want to see Amelie because of her hatred for you?” It was a hurtful thing to ask, but Hyungwon needed to make sure, to understand why the little girl wasn’t able to see her mom. He doubted that it was Hoseok’s fault because Sarah’s dislike for her ex-husband shouldn’t compromise a little child, but he needed to know if that was the main problem.

“I guess. But I also think that it's because she knows how much Choux means to me and she doesn’t want her to be happy, so I’ll suffer.”

Hyungwon hummed in understanding, embarrassed that he had thought he could make a difference. He couldn’t believe that anybody had it in them to hurt a child, but maybe it was easier when it was hypothetical than when Sarah actually had those blue eyes in front of her.

“This is really crazy and I am sorry in advance if I’m talking bullshit, but...could it be possible that I meditate in trying to let Amelie meet Sarah? Or are you worried that she will do something terrible? I can’t really tell.” Hyungwon really hoped he wasn’t making everything worse.

“The worst is actually that I am a hazard for the child if Sarah is involved, she goes crazy because of me, so I don’t know what she would do. I had a talk with her a while ago, telling her to leave us alone and I haven’t heard anything from her since then. I also told her that she has the opportunity to be a parent to Amelie if she wanted to… but oh well.” Sighing, Hoseok looked up, gaze vulnerable. “I’m afraid that everything is so broken that there is no possibility of fixing it.”

_Sarah actually stayed away, despite having a daughter. There isn’t much you can do if she doesn’t care enough to act on her wish to see the little girl._

“I can’t bring her mom back, but… I could try to be somebody who takes care of her too, somebody who will stay,” Hyungwon murmured, feeling how the words weighed him down. He didn’t want to promise too much, to show himself as somebody he wasn’t. He had no idea about parenting and wasn’t even able to contain his curses when he was excited. The only thing that allowed him a position in Hoseok’s little family was the fact that he loved the older man like crazy and wished to protect the little girl that came along with Hoseok. Hyungwon wasn’t lying to himself, he might not have decided to go for being with the older man had he not valued him as much as he did, simply because a child was involved and he had no experience whatsoever. “Will you let me pick her up more often? Take her to my place for a bit before bringing her back, maybe come along too if you’re not too tired after work?”

The black eyes settled on his face and Hoseok’s pale hands pulled him closer, tightening their embrace.

“I want you to always be here and I hate myself for it,” the older man whispered, biting down on his bottom lip. “I’m so dumb, I even made another pair of keys, they’re lying next to the file with the bed-pictorial.”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened, remembering how Amelie told him he needed the keys more than she did that moment.

“Looks like your little girl was ahead of you,” he whispered and smiled, kissing Hoseok’s curved lips briefly. “If wanting me here makes you hate yourself, then I should be hating myself too. Want to buy a house?” He laughed loudly, disbelieving that he suddenly felt at ease only because of a pair of fucking keys.

“I think my mind and my feelings are way further than reality is, so I think it’s a stupid idea, but it would be amazing if you would come more often. I should visit you too, but I always feel like an invader. I simply don’t know how to behave in a relationship. Sarah and I didn’t even date properly and got married almost immediately after she got pregnant, moved in together and it was all kinds of messy and weird, so I have no idea and nothing I can compare my wishes to, to determine whether they are even reasonable. It all sounds unreasonable to me. And greedy.”

“It’s quite reasonable,” Hyungwon replied and chuckled softly, amused that he was suddenly the relationship expert after dating in high school which mostly consisted of having somebody who found him pretty and gave him nice things for attention. “You’re not an invader, Hyungjoo is, but you’re like an occasional visitor in comparison. Please feel free to come more often. I can give you the code, it’s even faster than making keys.” It seemed so cheerful now, having Hoseok in his arms who was concerned about being too intrusive while Hyungwon was the one who snuck into his apartment in the middle of the night because he couldn’t sleep. It was ridiculous.

“Let’s visit my parents tomorrow,” the older man commented all of a sudden while placing a kiss against his lips.

_What?_

Hyungwon turned, staring at Hoseok to confirm that it was drunk babbling instead of a decent suggestion. ‘Anything was possible at this point.

“You mean pick up Amelie tomorrow? She’s with your parents, right?”

“No, I mean go there and I’ll show you to my mom and dad and they’ll make you coffee and mom is the best Choux baker you’ll ever meet. I love Choux because of her and Amelie’s nickname was also her idea.” Hoseok smiled and it looked so genuine, as if the photographer was honestly happy to be able to take Hyungwon to his parents. “I will show you some old pictures too.”

“You mean little Hoseok eating Choux and looking like a bread roll with too much yeast? Can’t wait.” Hyungwon chuckled, disbelieving that the older man really intended to introduce him to his parents at this point. He didn’t mind much and was also not somebody to panic over it. He had to meet a lot of people that mattered for his future in his life and at this point he was merely concerned what to wear and how much makeup to apply to look decent. “Sounds exciting. I’m sure they are nice if you trust them with Amelie.”

“To be honest…” Hoseok began and his gaze changed, turning vulnerable and a little sad. “To be honest I really love visiting them and I love my parents in general because they are amazing people, but they can immediately see when I’m sad, so they become sad too and I don’t want them to be, so I don’t visit. With you next to me I feel more confident that I can show them my happy side.”

_Dear god, does this man ever think about himself instead of others?_

Hyungwon couldn’t believe that Hoseok even decided not to visit somebody only because they could see that he wasn’t feeling well. What the hell did that mean for their relationship, that Hoseok would hide somewhere to make sure Hyungwon didn’t know he was unwell? No fucking way.

“I hope you know that if you ever try to hide away from me because you’re worried that I’ll be upset, I am going to find you and haunt you until the day you die,” he muttered and turned to his side, tightening his hold on Hoseok’s waist and keeping the older man close to his body. “From now on we’re going to visit your parents a lot and I will find you whenever you’re sad and make sure to make it better. No objections allowed.”

“I was trying not to make you sad, but you just came here in the middle of the night, turning my dry soil into an aquarium,” Hoseok whispered with a smile. “I can’t handle people being sad because of me, people I love. It’s so hard that it feels as if my heart is ripping apart and instead of it getting better or some kind of habituation, I start having more people around me who I love and who mean so much that I have to protect them from my misery.” Grabbing his face with both palms, Hoseok connected their lips in an intimate kiss. “Do you think I’ll ever get better?”

“Well, I’m a selfish bastard because I was sad and alone, so I came here to make sure you see it and can make me feel better. I guess you’ll have to catch up to my skill.” Hyungwon chuckled, whispering his answer against those gorgeous lips as he refused to part, licking along Hoseok’s bottom lip when he couldn’t resist anymore. “I’ll teach you how to think of yourself more, if that doesn’t work I guess I’ll have to do it for you.”

“Maybe that’s one of the reasons I was and am so fascinated by you. You have all those things I don’t and you shine like a fucking sun right through my dirty puddle, to the core that’s hidden somewhere deep underneath.”

“Good that my mother stayed with me for long enough to teach me how to share,” he replied and swallowed from the sudden warmth that Hoseok’s words evoked in his chest. “I’ll shine so brightly that you’ll finally see it’s not a dirty puddle after all.” Smiling brightly, he pulled the muscular man on top of himself, feeling the weight and chuckling at how different their bodies were.

_You only have to turn on the light._


	22. FINAL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MIRROR came to an end.
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> WE LOVE YOU.

Alcohol, discussions, Hyungwon’s unconditional support, baring his core and letting the younger man take pictures: all of the above didn’t change the most serious problem, the one that made him feel helpless. The problem that he tried his best to ignore and drown in the sea of guilt.

_It’s been three days, but you're absolutely helpless here._

He could already make out the quiet sobs that came closer steadily as he stood up from the bed, not wanting to wake up Hyungwon who stayed over again. His naked feet made no sound on the wooden floors as he walked towards the door and entered the hallway, catching Amelie on her way to his bedroom. The child was crying while trying to be quiet, probably caring about Hyungwon’s sleep too.

_You two are similar when it comes to taking care of him._

“What’s the matter, love?” he asked quietly, curling his arms around his daughter’s slim body and lifting her up. She wrapped her arms and legs around him, sobbing into his neck and wetting his pajama top with her warm tears.

“I miss mom, I miss her so much, why can’t I see her?” Amelie stuttered, crying bitterly and unwilling to lift her head from the crook of his neck. It hurt so much to hear those words because no matter how nice his situation was, how much he loved Hyungwon and his daughter, he couldn’t replace a person she missed, someone she liked and wanted to see.

“You… want to see mom so badly? Is that why you are crying?” he asked, walking towards the living room slowly, to let the younger man sleep in peace while he took care of his sobbing child. His heart hurt so much, so so much, but there was no use.

_You can't help it._

“Yes. She is not dead, papa, I thought about it. Hyungwon’s mom is dead, so he can’t see her ever again, even if he wants to. But my mom is not dead, she is somewhere, so why can’t I see her? I just want to hug her and ask her how she is and I want her to sing me that one song I can’t remember anymore. It’s okay if she doesn’t want to live here anymore, but I still want to see her! Hyungjoo also doesn’t live with Hyungwon, but they can see each other, and it’s okay too! I want to see her so badly, papa, it hurts so much, I don’t want to be hurt. This is unfair.” Amelie cried and cried, soaking his collar and holding onto his neck for dear life. Hoseok didn’t notice when his own tears began running down his cheeks, but it wasn’t relevant. The most important thing was his daughter’s genuine words.

_You have to take them seriously._

“Would it make you happy to see her? Even if mom and I don’t want to be together anymore? And even if you can’t see her very often? Would it still make you happy to see her?” Leaning back, he brushed the tears from the small face, using his other hand to stroke over the girl’s black hair.

“Yes. I would be so happy to just see her for a bit. Please, papa. I know that you two always fight, but now that she doesn’t live here anymore you don’t have to fight and you have Hyungwon too, so why can’t I see her? I keep dreaming that I met her but then I wake up and cry because it’s not true. She isn’t dead, papa.”

He was unable to handle it, crying together with his daughter, quietly, without making any sounds but feeling desperate and hurt nevertheless. It was the one moment, the important moment in time that required him to act. He remembered how he had discussed it with Hyungwon, how he pointed out that he couldn’t act because he didn’t want to hurt his daughter.

_But she is hurt because you don’t act._

Inhaling deeply, Hoseok couldn't believe what he was about to say. “Should we go visit her then? I could ask around to find out where she works tomorrow and who knows, maybe she is in Paris and we can go visit her on set, what do you think?”

The way his daughter’s big blue eyes widened even further and she nodded furiously were like a stab right into his heart. The reaction didn't make sense to him, not after all the hurt and fights.

_You thought you were saving her, but you were trying to save yourself, weren’t you?_

“Yes, yes please, papa, I will do whatever you like, I just want to see her once, only once, I miss her so much,” Amelie mumbled, holding onto his hand and shaking it repeatedly. “And you don’t have to talk, I promise, I just want to talk to mom.”

_She even thinks about you while suffering all by herself._

“I will do my best so you can see her,” he whispered, feeling scared and overwhelmed, but having no other choice but to follow through. “I’m a little scared to be honest, but I’ll do my best because you also did your absolute best when you were scared about having Hyungwon around. Promise me that you will immediately tell me if something goes wrong, okay?” The beautiful girl nodded, smile gorgeous and eyes looking like bright moons shining in the barely lit room.

Swallowing down the remains of his tears, Hoseok pulled his daughter into a tight hug.

“I love you, Amelie. Let’s try our best to make you happy, okay?” he asked.

“Okay,” the girl whispered. “I love you too, papa.”

_

His head felt like an open wound on his shoulders after not being able to fall asleep until the sun started rising and Hyungwon turned away from it, thereby turning towards him and pouting cutely. Hoseok would’ve enjoyed it more, but he was busy stalking his ex-wife for his daughter’s happiness. To be honest, he wasn’t convinced that it was a good idea, not at all, but it was something Amelie had struggled with for such a long time that he felt obliged to at least give her this opportunity.

_She even talked about Hyungwon’s mom._

The good thing was that Sarah was in Paris, the bad thing was that he had no possibility of contacting her prior to simply taking his child and driving to her photoshoot. He also wanted to explain it to the beautiful black-haired man who slept so calmly next to him. There was the thought of simply leaving a note, or of just going, but his gut feeling told him it was a shit idea.

_He will hate you._

_And you want to share it with him._

Putting his smartphone aside, Hoseok shifted closer and slipped under the younger man’s blanket, breathing steadily and reaching for the beautiful face.

“I decided to do something scary,” he whispered, tracing Hyungwon’s swollen, pouty lips with his index finger.

The younger man grumbled and wrapped his arms around him, capturing him in an embrace as his eyes opened briefly before closing immediately.

“Namely?” Hyungwon asked and buried his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck. “Wake me up? I can be viscous.”

“No, you’re just adorable when you wake up. I didn’t want to disturb your sleep, but I wanted to share it with you, if you don’t mind.” Thinking about it, Hoseok pinched Hyungwon’s side lightly and chuckled. “But also if you do mind, you have to listen to me. Choux came in the night when you were sleeping and cried so badly. She… said she wanted to see her mom and told me that she understands you because your mom passed away but her mom is alive, but still she can’t see her, so I… I promised her that I would take her to see Sarah.”

“Holy shit.” Hyungwon's eyes widened and he sat up, grabbing Hoseok's face with his palms. “Shit, I'm proud of you. She’s wanted this for so long, but will you be okay? Do you want me to come along, just to be there for you?”

Hoseok thought about it. Sure, the prospect of Hyungwon being next to him while he waited for his daughter was intriguing, but at the same time, he had the feeling that he had to do this alone, by himself.

_Sarah might feel threatened if you come with him._

“Thank you so much for suggesting it, but I think I should do it alone, also because she doesn’t know that we are coming. I have no possibility of warning her, I just know that she is shooting an advertisement in Versailles. Also, why is it so quiet? I couldn’t fall asleep after Choux came.”

Suddenly the door opened and he heard loud, quick steps before he could see his daughter jump on top of Hyungwon and hit him with her huge dinosaur pillow right in his beautiful face.

“I’m going to see mom today!” she exclaimed and laughed so cheerfully that his heart hurt because it was so rare.

“That's amazing!” Hyungwon retorted as he rubbed over his cheek and wrapped his arms around the little girl, pulling her on top of himself and squeezing to support her enthusiasm. It looked genuine, as if the black-haired man understood perfectly how much Choux wanted to see her mother. Glancing up at him, Hyungwon smiled while mouthing ‘now I know the wrath of the dinosaur, I'm almost real family‘.

‘You are family’ he mouthed and smiled back, brushing a loose strand from the pretty forehead.

“I found out that she is in Versailles today, so we can eat breakfast and drive there, okay? I don’t think we can stay for a long time, depending on how busy your mom is, but a promise is a promise. You haven’t seen each other for such a long time. She will be shaken how beautiful you have become.” After stroking over his daughter’s black hair, he pointed at the bathroom, gesturing for Amelie to go brush her teeth.

“Are you scared?” Hyungwon asked as soon as Choux disappeared into the hallway. His eyes were attentive and he reached for Hoseok's hands, intertwining their fingers.

“Terrified,” he corrected the younger man and shifted closer, kissing the red, pouty lips. “So many things can happen, but I have to do it. I just hope that Sarah is able to give her what she’s hoping for.”

“It's different when you see somebody in person, especially a child. I doubt that she will be able to hurt her like that. I'm more worried about you. I don't want her to hurt you, Hoseok.” Hyungwon embraced him and placed a kiss on the top of his head, smiling softly. “Can you promise me that you won't let her get to you, no matter what she says?”

“I’ll try my best. Thank you so much for supporting me, I cried so badly last night. The way Choux talked was just- It gave me the feeling that the only reason she couldn’t see Sarah was me, that it was my fault because I tried to protect her, or rather myself, I don’t even know at this point.” Exhaling sharply, Hoseok buried his face in the crook of the other man’s delicious neck, listening to the sounds in the bathroom.

“I think both, but things change. There is no need for you to like her, just go there, see how she treats Amelie and how Amelie feels about it and decide. I'm so fucking proud of you for going there yourself, daring to meet her for Amelie. You're amazing, Hoseok.”

“I just want her to be happy,” he whispered and it must have been the most truthful thing he had ever said. “I also want you to be happy, but funnily enough I have the feeling that I have more influence on your happiness than on hers.”

The black-haired man laughed loudly and scratched over his shoulder, pursing his lips in fake outrage.

“No need to point out how much of a lost cause I am when it comes to you. Of course it's easy to make me happy, you're literally the only person I need.”

“I love you,” Hoseok whispered against the younger man’s lips before deciding that he had to get ready. Turning around so Hyungwon could see his face, he smiled, feeling shy. “Can I write you while I’m there?”

“Of course,” the black-haired man replied and lifted an eyebrow. “Don't you dare pussy out. It's set now, you're strong and will go there as an independent person. The way you did back then when Amelie visited me and you didn't want to have anything to do with me.” Hyungwon must have remembered how well that had worked as he chuckled. “It will be successful I guess. And now go.”

Brushing through his messy hair, the younger man removed the blanket and placed a kiss on Amelie’s head as she left the bathroom, coaching her on the important questions she had to ask before he blew him one last kiss with the words ‘you'll do amazing‘ and closed the bathroom door behind himself.

_You'll do amazing._

_

He was extremely nervous, unsure how Sarah would react to suddenly seeing her daughter after almost a year. Thankfully they arrived at the set rather early and had the opportunity to look around first. He was furiously planning how to make the meeting the best for everybody, as his daughter suddenly yelped, pulling on his pants and jumping up in excitement.

“It's mom, oh my god,” she whispered, pointing at Sarah, who’d just arrived, greeting everybody with her breathtakingly beautiful smile. Hoseok didn't know what to do, apart from staying and waiting until she recognized them. It didn't take long for the bright blue eyes to focus on his face, pain evident in the usually soft features. A few seconds passed, but he didn't bother to say anything with his gaze, he wasn't there because of Sarah, so he stroked over Amelie's head instead, nodding.

His ex-wife followed his movement and froze, dropping her carefully adjusted shell. Her expression changed so much that it was hard to recognize, so vulnerable and lost.

“Amelie?” she asked, stepping closer without looking at him.

_She missed her. She will never admit to it, but she did._

“I missed you so much, mom,” Choux sobbed and ran to the tall woman, wrapping her arms around the slim waist. Sarah froze again for a few moments before crouching down and hugging back. It looked devastating, the way she stroked over Amelie's hair, how she tried to hug and kiss the little girl. Seeing them together was strange, but Amelie looked so happy that it didn't matter at all. It was irrelevant whether he liked the person hugging his daughter, the most important thing was that she was happy.

“What are you doing here, Choux? I'm so surprised to see you,” Sarah murmured. “... and so so happy. You grew up so much, and you became so beautiful too! Oh my god. What am I supposed to do?”

“I was crying so much because I missed you and asked dad to see you and he agreed, so we came. Did you miss me too, mom? I dreamt so much about you.” Amelie was still sobbing but replied nevertheless.

“Of course I missed you, how could I not miss you, beautiful? You're the most important person in my life, sunshine. I dreamt about you too and I thought about visiting you so many times!” Hoseok frowned at that, but the expression on Sarah's face didn't look as if she was lying, there was no pretense, none at all.

_Does she mean it? Why?_

“Why didn't you come then?” Amelie leaned back and grabbed Sarah's face with her little palms.

“I didn't want to make you unhappy, you know? Dad and I… We don't get along well, so it's hard and I don't want you to watch us fight, so I thought you would be happy if I stayed away, but if you want to see me, we can meet! You can visit me too, if your papa is okay with that.” His ex-wife only glanced in his direction briefly, before focusing on Amelie again. Cupping her hands with her own.

_She wants to see her?_

Hoseok couldn't understand how the woman who had tried everything to hurt them suddenly wanted to spend time with their daughter.

_She tried to hurt you, not Choux, Hoseok. She only hates you._

Suddenly it made sense, the way her expression changed when she saw Amelie, how tender she suddenly became and how little interest she showed in hurting or even communicating with him. Whatever it was, his daughter looked so incredibly happy, nodding furiously and jumping up in excitement.

“That's amazing, I have to work for a bit but you can watch as Lucia does my makeup and how the photographer takes pictures. And if your papa doesn't mind waiting for you, I would love to get some Choux afterwards!” Sarah glanced in his direction again and he nodded automatically without thinking.

_Because it makes her happy, you can handle being uncomfortable._

Nodding back briefly, Sarah mouthed ‘give me two hours’, took the little hand and walked to one of the fitting rooms.

Hoseok stayed back, overwhelmed, somehow uncomfortable but also satisfied that he managed to do something that made his daughter feel cheerful and happy.

‘She really missed her, I didn't know… Sarah missed her too,’ he typed, after taking his phone from the pocket of his jeans. ‘Amelie looks so happy.’

Tired from all the adrenaline, Hoseok sat down on one of the props, it wasn't especially comfortable or anything, but it was okay.

_You can handle that._

He felt the necessity to separate his own feelings towards the person he had been married to from the feelings his daughter had towards her mother. They had the right to meet, to feel happy and to establish a relationship to each other independent of what he felt.

_Shouldn’t you feel happy too?_

He had no idea if he was allowed to. It was always the same feeling and it returned to him now, as he sat and watched his ex-wife and his daughter laugh together, hug and talk as if no time had passed. Usually it started with the feeling of levity, the positivity that spread in his mind and made his chest feel broader, letting more oxygen inside his lungs and making him gasp for air. There was a pleasant tingling on his skin and inhaling felt like a flower blooming in the first rays of sunshine, making his lips lift up in a smile until…

_Until you ask yourself whether you’re allowed to be happy. Whether there is something you should be worried or sad about._

It was this specific moment in time that ruined it, that immediately turned the sweet tingling into liquid dread that dripped down his stomach and created a bitter taste on his tongue while he forgot how to breathe, trying to think and ruminate about the things that went wrong.

It was a decision, wasn’t it? The split second that he asked himself whether it was okay to feel good, to feel happy, to breathe without having to worry about anything.

_You need to let go of this, Hoseok. It’s ruining your happiness. You are ruining your happiness._

The sight of his daughter jumping around in excitement even though she had been crying so bitterly the night before showed him that it was possible. Having issues and feeling lonely didn’t have to accompany him with every step he took. It was a mood, a decision he could make for himself. He felt lonely and scared, but he decided that he wouldn’t let it get to him.

The two hours passed quickly and he returned home, accompanied by his daughter who looked at ease and satisfied, talking nonstop about what Sarah told her, how they planned their next meeting and that now she wouldn’t have to tell people that her mom wasn’t with her, because she was. Hoseok too was excited, looking forward to seeing someone in particular.

_Hyungwon._

Opening the door quickly, he slipped out of his shoes and ran through the apartment until he finally found Hyungwon. The younger man was sitting on the couch and looking at his phone. It felt ridiculous, but the way Hyungwon's gaze lifted from the device and how the expression in the big, coffee-brown eyes changed as soon as he saw him made his heart skip a beat, creating goosebumps on his skin. The other man's beautiful, shiny core turned on the light and illuminated the puddle he was hiding in.

A smile spread his mouth, lifting up his cheeks and turning his eyes into crescents as he stepped closer, leaning down and pressing a gentle kiss against Hyungwon's red, soft lips, letting the feeling occupy his chest and warm him from the inside.

“I'm so happy to see you, Hyungwon,” he whispered and felt the words with every cell of his body.

The end...


End file.
